7000+ jokes

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1. # of Vulcans needed to replace a bulb? Precisely 1.0000000 2. $ egrep -n '^[a-z].*\\(' $@ - sort -t':' +2.0 3. $ fortune 4. $ rm -r $HOME 5. $$$ not found -- A)bort, R)efinance, D)eclare bankruptcy 6. $10 Whatta you want $8 for? You know how much $6 is. Ok. Here's $4. (Gives son $2 and asks for $1 change). - Jewish Father 7. $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 8. $1000 reward for finding this man: 9. $3,000,000 10. $Big book, big bore. 11. &TheMenWhoHoldHighPlacesMustBeThe1stToStart.. 12. >> BEER.CAN not found, USER.EXE not loaded << 13. >From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 14. >From the creative workshops of Soong, Inc. 15. <%>{ 1 fish, <%>{ 2 fish, <%>{ red fish, <%>{ blue fish 16. <<---- THIS SPACE FOR SALE ---->> 17. <- Cloaked Tribble 18. <----- The information went data way -----> 19. <This page is intentionally left blank.> - IBM 20. <ZAP> That was *not* manual override. - Data 21. "... all the modern inconveniences ..." - Mark Twain 22. "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." - Mark Twain 23. "2nd star on the right, then on until morning" 24. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates 25. "A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that." - Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California 26. "A tree is a tree. How many more do you have to look at?" - Governor Ronald Reagan (1966) 27. "A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire 28. "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." 29. "Admiral, there be whales here" ... " - Scotty 30. "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ..." - Gilda Radner 31. "All flesh is grass" -- Isiah Smoke a friend today. 32. "All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn." - Ernest Hemingway 33. "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane." 34. "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture" - Bumper sticker 35. "AMDAC?" asked the disgruntled FE. 36. "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." 37. "Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it." 38. "Apple I" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. 39. "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 40. "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." - USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. 41. "Assembly language is also available." - Jordan Henderson (jordan@hackercorp.com) 42. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 43. "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." - Chris Jarocha-Ernst

44. "Beautiful story. Kinda gets you right HERE" - Q 45. "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" - Time Bandits 46. "Besides, it is clearly a bunny rabbit" - Data 47. "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." - Donald Knuth 48. "Bother," said Pooh, and deleted his message base. 49. "Boy, Data, you look great in a push-up bra" - Riker 50. "Boy, that Data is slicker than cow snot" - Guinan 51. "But I don't like Spam" 52. "But this is my sister's bike" 53. "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?" 54. "C is the assembly language of Tcl." - Karl Lehenbauer (karl@hackercorp.com) 55. "Call it a hunch." - Quasimodo 56. "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." 57. "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth 58. "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont." - Clarence Darrow 59. "Captain, Permission to hook up blender attachments to Mr Data" 60. "Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1?" - Worf 61. "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 62. "Colonel North, do you understand what we mean by the U.S.S.R.?" "Yes sir, it is a code name for Russia." 63. "Computer, delete WESLEY.EXE" - Entire Enterprise crew. 64. "Computers are useless; they can only give answers." - Picasso 65. "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic" - Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 66. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. 67. "Dad, have you seen Blip? I can't find him anywhere" 68. "Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon -- that's hard." 69. "Dammit, Jim I'm a doctor, not a physician" - McCoy 70. "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a Tagline..." 71. "Danger Will Robinson Danger Danger Danger Danger" 72. "Data does it in serial..." - Tasha Yar 73. "Data enjoys a lot of confusion, Jean-Luc." - Deanna 74. "Data, I thought you were dead" "No, sir, I rebooted.." 75. "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 76. "Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses." - H. L. Mencken 77. "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." - John Barrymore's dying words 78. "DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch" 79. "Do you know any Klingon opera?" - Worf 80. "Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see." - Will Rogers 81. "Don't dispute death unless you've lived through it." 82. "Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud." 83. "DOS=HIGH" Hmm, I knew it was on something... 84. "Drop the guy with the devil ears." - NBC, June, 1965. 85. "DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga" 86. "DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying UTS is out to lunch" 87. "Energize" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared... 88. "Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT." 89. "Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here?" - Odo 90. "Extra pickles. A warrior's condiment" - Worf 91. "Facts are stupid things." - President Ronald Reagan 92. "Fascinating," said Spock, watching Kirk's lousy acting. 93. "Fascinating." Spock figures out the Energizer Bunny. 94. "Fire, Mr. Worf" <Worf picks up extinguisher> 95. "Fire, Mr. Worf" [Worf picks up extinguisher]

96. "Flowers Is there a 'John Luck Pikkerd' here?" - Q 97. "For there is no sea, with out the dolphin" - Oppian 98. "Format all 10? Only 3 fit in the slot 99. "God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen." - S. Hawking100. "Grub first, then ethics." - Bertolt Brecht101. "Hand me that solar-powered flashlight..."102. "hat in God's name am I doing wrong?" - Wile E. Coyote103. "He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words."104. "He is now rising from affluence to poverty." - Mark Twain105. "He taught us drawing, stretching, and fainting in coils."106. "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..."107. "He's a potato Jim, Let's gouge out all of his eyes"108. "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."109. "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."110. "Heisenberg may have slept here"111. "Hello, World" 17 Errors, 31 Warnings....112. "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."113. "Hex Dump" - Where Witches put used Curses?114. "Hey Who took the cork off my lunch??" - W. C. Fields115. "Hey, Worf I hooked Data up to a Modem... wanna see?"116. "Hey, Worf...I hooked Data up to a Modem...Wanna see?"117. "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" - Foghorn Leghorn118. "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."119. "Home is is the place where your computer lives and runs your life." - Chrome Cowboy, sobiloff@thor.acc.stolaf.edu120. "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"121. "How are things?"122. "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." - William Gilbert123. "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"124. "I am a jelly doughnut." - John F. Kennedy125. "I am made from the dust of the stars, the oceans flow in my veins." - Rush, "Presto"126. "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man" - Paul McCracken127. "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." - English Professor128. "I am programmed in multiple pleasuring techniques." - Data129. "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." - English Professor, Ohio University130. "I am the housekeeper"131. "I am what I am and that's all that I am"132. "I did it. I killed them all." Timothy133. "I do not fear computers.. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asimov134. "I don't bite. Well, that's wrong. I do bite." - K'Ehleyr135. "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating" - Boss Tweed136. "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant137. "I don't know what you mean by YOUR way, all the ways about here belong to ME"138. "I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan139. "I hate questionarres" - Worf140. "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." - Ralph Waldo Emerson141. "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." - Sophie Tucker142. "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." - Bill Hoest143. "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein144. "I like my species the way it is." - Worf to Locutus145. "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in

the years of maturity." - Albert Einstein146. "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." - Ashleigh Brilliant147. "I never lie when I have sand in my boots" - LaForge148. "I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.149. "I think not," said Descartes; and promptly disappeared.150. "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers." - Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)151. "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"'" - Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"152. "I would give the Devil benefit of the law for my own safety's sake." - _A_Man_for_All_Seasons_ by Robert Bolt153. "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."154. "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."155. "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."156. "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"157. "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."158. "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."159. "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."160. "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."161. "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."162. "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."163. "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."164. "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."165. "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."166. "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."167. "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."168. "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned."169. "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."170. "I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." - Tom Neff171. "I'm all ears, hooman" - DaiMon Perot172. "I'm Beverly...","I'm Geordi...","We are Hugh..."173. "I'm not Bajoran. Sisko punched me in the nose." - Kira174. "I'm not the one that misplaced the Deltivid asteroid belt"175. "I'm the Doctor... gotta love me" - Bashir176. "If a guy tells me the probability of failure is 1 in 10E5, I know he's full of crap." - Richard P. Feynmann, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"177. "If all men were brothers, would you want one to marry your sister?" - (title of a Theodore Sturgeon short story.)178. "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"###179. "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." - Yiddish saying180. "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Albert Einstein181. "If it's a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed." - Kahlil Gibran, 1923182. "If looks could kill it would've been us instead of him"183. "If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." - Pat Bahn184. "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me" - "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)185. "If we are to begin packaging ourselves as boxes of cereal, Democracy

will die... for you could not win the presidency without proving unworthy of the job." - Adlai Stevenson186. "If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can." B. Gibbons187. "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J. Paul Getty188. "If you do everything, you'll win." - Lyndon Baines Johnson189. "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" - Winston Churchill190. "If you have to hate, hate gently"191. "If you prick me, do I not... Leak?" - Data192. "If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart." - Fred Allen193. "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means." - Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"###194. "Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Einstein195. "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." - Winston Curchill, of Montgomery196. "In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."197. "Is that funny? Is that a joke?" - Data198. "Is that lemon in your tea?" "No, s'lime."199. "Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.200. "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"201. "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."202. "It's bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew W. Mathis203. "It's comin' apart, Lad" - Scotty204. "It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".205. "It's Fabulous We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour" - Macy's206. "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." - Kevin White, mayor of Boston207. "Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes" - John Wichers (wichers@husc4.HARVARD.EDU)208. "Just as they are."209. "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" - The Brigader, "Dr. Who"210. "Just when we finally got good at this, we \_i_/ run out of planets." - a Voyager scientist211. "Kernal" is not a word. The correct spelling is "kernel".212. "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."213. "Knowing when to optimize is as important as knowing how." - Tom Neff214. "LARKS' VOMIT It don't say nothing on the box about larks' vomit" - Monty Python--"Trade Descriptions Act"215. "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." - Victor Borge216. "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."217. "Life," said Marvin. "Don't talk to me about life."218. "Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem." - Alan McKay219. "Listen, have you seen the dolphins yet?" - Geordi220. "Look at all the Indians" - General Custer221. "MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that."222. "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." - Winston Churchill223. "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin224. "Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through

it"225. "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."226. "Memory serves wise commanders." - Tz'u-hsi, 638 AD227. "MEOW"...SPLAT..."RUFF"...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)228. "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."###229. "Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." - D. P. Barron230. "Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference."231. "Modem," said the gardener when he'd finished the lawn..232. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abe Lincoln233. "Mr. Worf, fire phasers at @FN@" ... Zzzzzap234. "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"235. "My favorite part of dinner" - Riker236. "My God, it's full of stores" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey237. "My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch? Next April?" - L. Mulloy238. "My name is Crusher. Where's Ensign Walnut?" - Beverly239. "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"240. "NASA Announces New Deck Chair Arrangement For Space Station Titanic." - Tom Neff241. "NASA Awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) Contract For Space Station Freedom" - Tom Neff242. "Nature loves a vacuum. Digital doesn't." - DEC sales letter243. "No problem is too big it can't be run away from" - Linus244. "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."245. "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."246. "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." - Profesoor W.247. "Now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible - yea, and get the better of them." - W. Shakespeare, JULIUS CAESAR248. "Now is the time for all good men to come to." - Walt Kelly249. "Now, more than ever, it is evident that `good taste' only refers to that which reinforces the status quo." - Andre Peret250. "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?"251. "Oh I thought that was a parrot". "No, no... They turn that color."252. "Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home"253. "One planet is all you get."254. "One planet is all you get."255. "Pascal is not a high-level language." - Steven Feiner256. "Perestroika: could it happen here?" - Tom Neff257. "Poor dear, there's nothing between his ears." - Margaret Thatcher, about Ronald Regan, 6/2/88 issue of The New York Times258. "Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure." - Karl Kraus259. "Qvid me anxivs svm?"260. "Reading legal mush can turn your brain to guacamole" - Amiga ROM Kernel Manual261. "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too"262. "Really honey....just 1 more message."263. "Rebellion is like witchcraft. That's what it is, it's like witchcraft." - Missouri State Rep. Jean Dixon, on labeling "offensive music".264. "reproduces if added to its quotation." reproduces if added to its quotation.265. "RESISTENCE IS FUTILE...." - The Borg266. "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead." - W. Shakespeare, HAMLET267. "Satanic Verses is a despicable book that could not have been written by a person who wished to behave decently and responsibly." - Orson Scott Card268. "Scotty Beam me aboard" "Aye sir Will a 2x4 do?"269. "Scotty, beam me up another Blue Wave message."270. "Scotty, beam us a board" (2x4 drops from sky)

271. "Scotty, I've fallen and I can't beam up"272. "Sex is better than reading; no overdue fines." - Jean-Luc Picard273. "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." - Gypsy Rose Lee274. "Sir Klingons on the starboard bow" "Well, scrape 'em off275. "So many obituaries...And always the wrong ones" - Marian Balsam276. "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray."277. "Soviet Union? That's a code name for Russia." - Ollie North. :-)278. "Stalinism begins at home." - Tom Neff279. "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."280. "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."281. "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government" - M. Python282. "Such grudges. Give us a kiss, Worf." - Q283. "Swab the poop deck, raise the mizzenmast" - Picard284. "Take my Worf... please." - Data285. "Take off your engineering hat and put on your management hat." - Thiokol management, 1/27/86286. "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." - J. Finnegan, USC.287. "That must be wonderful I don't understand it at all."288. "That was the stun setting." <bleep> "This is not."289. "That's no tagline It's Odo"290. "That's user, u s r, and then there's a space ..."291. "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."292. "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."293. "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."294. "The condition upon which God has given liberty to man is eternal vigilance." - John Philpot Curran295. "The country couldn't run without Prohibition. That is the industrial fact." - Henry Ford, 1929296. "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." - Benjamin Disraeli297. "The Dolphin, ne'er has anything been more divine" - Oppian298. "The filter has discreting sources." - KSC FIDO, 1/28/86299. "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." - Henry Kissinger300. "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." - Henry Kissinger301. "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them." - Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"302. "The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television?" - Philip K. Dick303. "The previous cookie was absolutely True." - God304. "The real problem with SDI is that it doesn't kill anybody." - Tom Neff305. "The security of the Enterprise is of Paramount importance"306. "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."307. "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."308. "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." - Alexander Haig309. "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."310. "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."311. "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone

loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."312. "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope." - Oscar Wilde313. "There goes Bill"314. "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." - C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia315. "There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks."316. "There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. " - Ross MacDonald317. "There's nothing you can do that can't be done." - John Lennon318. "They are not the hell your whales." - Spock319. "They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born." - K. Dunn, _Geek Love_320. "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them"321. "They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas"322. "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..."323. "This is one American Marine who will always tell the truth, Sir." - Ollie North324. "Those who worked the hardest are the last to surrender." - Gary Ward325. "To be, or not to be."--Hamlet "Do-bee-do-bee-do."--Sinatra326. "To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois." - Jules Renard327. "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." - Woody Allen328. "Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore..."329. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"330. "Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." - President Ronald Reagan331. "UNIX should be used as an adjective." - AT&T332. "Unlimited campaign spending eats at the heart of the democratic process." - Barry Goldwater333. "US out of North America, NOW" - Richard O'Rourke334. "War is like love; it always finds a way." - Bertold Brecht335. "Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be."336. "We fall into error if we attribute to strategy a power independent of tactical results." - Karl von Clausewitz, On War337. "We have luck only with women -- not spacecraft" - R. Kremnev, builder of failed Soviet FOBOS probes338. "We must laugh at man, to avoid crying for him" - Napoleon339. "We must never forget that if the war in Vietnam is lost... the right of free speech will be extinguished throughout the world." - Richard Milhouse Nixon, 10/27/65340. "We plan absentee ownership. I'll stick to building ships." - George Steinbrenner, 1973341. "We walked on the moon -- you be polite." - Joni Mitchell342. "Well I've often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat"343. "What's 'e matter w' that thing?" - Scotty344. "What's the definition of a good flame? One you agree with..." - Karl Lehenbauer345. "What's up, Doc?" - Ensign Bugs to Crusher346. "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." - Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war347. "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster." - Nietsche348. "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.349. "Why don't the Japanese live in the mountains? Certainly, they could; apparently they just don't want to." - elturner@phoenix.Princeton.EDU350. "Why stop now? Just when I'm hating it." - Marvin351. "Worf Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder?" - Q352. "You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran." - Alan Perlis353. "You can't get snot off of a suede jacket." - Lenny Bruce354. "You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed" - Bill

355. "You mean I can send mail to myself?"356. "You mean you can't take less, it's very easy to take more than nothing."357. "You open that scab, there's a hell of a lot of things... This involves these Cubans, Hunt, and a lot of hanky-panky that we have nothing to do with..." - Richard Milhouse Nixon358. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio359. 'Ah I have access.' - Data360. 'Has eighteen letters' does.361. 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.362. 'Only a vaRool would use such language in public.' - Riker363. 'Perhaps you and the jerko here could come with us.'364. 'Saddle up, father' - Alexander, to Worf365. 'Share and Enjoy' - that's my motto.366. 'The universe is a spheroid region 705 meters in diameter'367. 'Transporting really is the safest way to travel.' - Geordi368. (((((((HYPNOTIC)))))))(((((((TAGLINE)))))))369. (A)bort (F)ail (T)oss computer across room370. (A)bort (R)epent (I)gnorant?371. (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail, (G)rab_Hammer372. (A)bort (R)etry (G)et The Sledge Hammer373. (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore, (K)ick system?374. (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore, (O)verthrow System?375. (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore, (S)orry I Asked376. (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer###377. (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill innocent bystanders378. (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic###379. (A)bort (R)etry (P)retend this never happened . . .380. (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it381. (A)bort (R)etry (S)mack the @#$&*~ thing382. (A)bort (R)etry (S)mack the friggin thing383. (A)bort (R)etry (S)ue384. (A)bort (R)etry (T)ake an axe to it?385. (A)bort, (R)etry, or (I)nfluence with hammer.386. (a+b) = a * b =0387. (beep) Help, I've fallen and can't reach the beer.388. (C)ontrol (A)lt (B)ye389. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza390. (I)gnore (R)etry (A)bort (M)eltdown391. (Ice rocks hit the hull) "Captain, we are being hailed."392. (This fortune deleted due to painfully extreme insipidity.)393. * <- Tribble y <- Tribble After a Close Shave394. * <- Tribble # <- Tribble After Borg Assimilation395. * <-- Tribble h <-- Tribble Sandwich396. * <-- Tribble o <-- Jean Luc Tribble397. * <-Tribble y <-Tribble after a close shave.398. * <-Tribble y <-Tribble after a close shave399. * * * (Tribbles) i i i (Tribbles after Biology lab)400. * * * <- Tribbles <- Cloaked tribbles401. * * * <- TRIBBLES o o o <- TRIBBLES after hair cut402. * * * <- Tribbles j j j <- Tribbles wearing condoms403. * * * <- Tribbles *} *} *} <- Squared tribbles404. * * * <- Tribbles . . . <- Tribbles after a haircut405. * * * <- Tribbles .*/ <- Sergeant tribble406. * * * <- Tribbles _ _ _ <- after fight with Godzilla407. * * * <- Tribbles ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ <- Tribbles in heaven408. * * * <- Tribbles 3 3 3 <- after being stuck in elevator409. * * * <- Tribbles k k k <- Hari Krishna tribbles410. * * * <- Tribbles m m m <- Tribbles with hula hoops411. * * * <- Tribbles o o o <- Bald tribbles412. * * * <- Tribbles op op op <- Tribbles on a windy day413. * * * <- Tribbles p p p <- dissected tribbles

414. * * * <- Tribbles y y y <- Tribbles after a haircut415. * . . . . . <- Tribble Mother and Young416. * This is a tribble. # This is a tribble on drugs.417. * Unix is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.418. *> - - <- Tribble Archery419. *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey Details at eleven420. *****************Dang*Tribbles******************421. ***D¤D*** <D Heavy-Weight Tribble Lifter.422. */ <==-- Tribble with a lightsaber423. */ \* <-Tribbles having a swordfight424. *// *// *// <- Tribbles Going Skiing425. *? <-- Grandpa Tribble with his cane426. *^ *^ <- Tribbles Praying427. *}- Tribble Olympics: Archery428. *8 *8 *8 <--- Tribbles and mamas out for a stroll.429. *Y *Y <- Tribbles Snorkelling430. ---- This space for rent ----###431. ----> If you cut here, you'll ruin your monitor. <----432. --------------------- cut here --------------------------433. --T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E--434. .. So we immediately rushed out and set up our own Lost Manual Review Committee.. - HavenTree435. ... and eliminate and wipe out redundancy436. ... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man - A. E. Housman437. ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - J. B. White438. ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.439. ... Scotty, Hurry beam me u%#$& NO CARRIER440. ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"441. ...and my special thanks to the Other Forty-Nine442. ...and sometimes the bear eats you.443. ...and then I woke up444. ...but there are no old, bold pilots.445. ...but what I really want to do is direct.446. ...Make...the Taglines go awaaaaaaaaaay....447. ...no thanks, I'm already having one.448. ...would you like me to sing you a song?449. ...ywercs lla og tsuj sgniht semitemoS450. ..and the lawyer looks down at his mutilated and severed arm and says: My Rolex, my Rolex451. ..Just a RIME without a reason.....452. /usr/news/gotcha453. : is not an identifier454. :) :D :O :( :[ ;) 8) B) :> - I :P =) :S :B :] :\455. :.::: ::..: ::.::. :..:: Tagline in Braille456. [\] At 200' No One Can Hear You Scream...[\]457. [Americans will soon observe the 20th anniversary of] Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lukens' walk on the moon. - Vice President Dan Quayle458. [dignified silence]459. [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - Edwin Meese III460. [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves to see him work. - Winston Churchill461. [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill462. [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was] a stirring victory for the forces of aggression. - Vice President Dan Quayle463. [The US] condones violence in El Salvador. - Vice President Dan Quayle464. _ <- Tribble Meets Godzilla465. _ _ _ <- Tribbles, after fighting with Godzilla

466. 07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I pleH467. 07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I pleH468. 085 lhadmA na edisni deppart m'I pleH469. 1 bulls, 3 cows470. 1. None. (Moses didn't have an ark). - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:471. 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this" - Two constant Laws of Frisbee472. 1. Never be first.473. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.474. 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk ...475. 113 grams, 10 milliliters ... He's lead, Jim.476. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's 586.477. 15c of every stamp is for storage478. 186,000 miles per second -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law479. 186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law480. 1955-1975: 36 Elvis movies. 1975-1989: nothing. - Tom Neff481. 1st LAW OF TESTS: 80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed and about the one book you didn't read.482. 1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd..483. 2-0 is a cricket score in this sort of football.484. 2. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:485. 2. Never be last.486. 23. ... r-q1487. 24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Hmmmm.....488. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push489. 2nd LAW OF TESTS: When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones490. 3. I don't know. - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:491. 3. Never volunteer for anything.492. 3000000 km/sec -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law493. 320494. 33mHz ain't fast enough495. 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation496. 4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk497. 4. Who cares? - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:498. 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr.. - fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped499. 4500 more jokes, one liners and stupid phrases become available when you register - Use Control Panel "desktop" applet for details500. 5. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:501. 5th LAW OF THE OFFICE: Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them.502. 6. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:503. 7 Days without pizza makes one weak...###504. 9 out of 10 men who tried Camels prefer women.505. 9.8 m/s}: Not just a good idea; it's the LAW506. 90% of everything is crud.507. 9600bps and under are insults to HST'ers - Hacker's law #5508. 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk509. A .44 magnum beats four aces.510. A 100% right of return both ways.511. A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.512. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.

513. A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - Don Quinn###514. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain515. A BBSer's telephone bill knows no bounds...516. A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.517. A big mac, french fries and a large coke518. A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. - Everett McKinley Dirksen519. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.520. A bird in the hand can be messy.521. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.522. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.523. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.524. A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. - Henry Ford525. A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.526. A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.527. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.528. A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure.529. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.530. A cats worst enemy is a closed door.531. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.532. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.533. A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.534. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together - Herbert Prochnow535. A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.536. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain537. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain538. A clean desk is a sign of a -sick- mind539. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.540. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.541. A clean disk is the sign of a warped drive.542. A clean, neat, desk is a sign of a very sick mind.543. A closed mouth gathers no feet...544. A closed mouth gathers no foot.545. A closed mouth gathers no foot.546. A closed mouth, gathers no feet.547. A committee has 6 or more legs and no brain.548. A company is known by the men it keeps.549. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.###550. A Computer Programmer is a machine for turning Coke into code.551. A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. - Gigo552. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.553. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.554. A CONS is an object which cares. - Bernie Greenberg.555. A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.556. A consultant is someone who asks their client what time it is, writes the answer in a report and charges the client for the privilege.557. A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - Ben Franklin558. A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison.559. A cult is a religion without political power.560. A day for firm decisions Or is it?

561. A day without sunshine is like night.562. A dead man cannot bite.563. A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.564. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.565. A disc cannot be read as easily as a filing cabinet. Unless you have a computer - which has problems reading a filing cabinet.566. A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...567. A dog is man's best friend because he wags his tail, not his tongue.568. A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash569. A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.570. A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.571. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill572. A filthy Data is Gunked, hosed down and sand blasted.573. A fool and his honey are soon parted.574. A fool and his money are my two favorite people.575. A fool and his money are SYSOP material.576. A fool must now and then be right by chance.577. A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - G. B. Shaw578. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.579. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.580. A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - D. Gries581. A friend in need is a pest indeed.###582. A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.583. A gift of flour will soon be made to you.584. A gift of flower will soon be made to you.585. A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.586. A girl's best friend is her mutter.587. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).588. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet.589. A goal to either team would break the deadlock.590. A good memory does not equal pale ink.591. A good reputation is more valuable than money.592. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James593. A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. - Walter Gagehot594. A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.595. A guy walks into the chemists and asks: If I melt dry ice and swim in it, will I get wet? - Stevie Wright596. A half moon is better than no moon at all.597. A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.598. A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.599. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.600. A harp is a nude piano.601. A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.602. A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity603. A horse A horse My kingdom for a horse604. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.605. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.606. A king's castle is his home.607. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.608. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.609. A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.

610. A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. - Dennis M. Ritchie611. A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life.612. A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. - Anatol Holt613. A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.614. A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist615. A lie in time saves nine.616. A lie that can be passed off as truth becomes truth.617. A light wife doth make a heavy husband.618. A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.619. A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical.620. A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.621. A lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.622. A little nukie never hurt anyone623. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.624. A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.625. A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. - Lew Col626. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. - Vice President Dan Quayle627. A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.628. A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.629. A man was given two ears and one mouth, to be used in that ratio.630. A man who turns green has eschewed protein.631. A man with one watch knows what time it is--with two watches he is never sure.632. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.633. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.634. A man's house is his hassle.635. A man, a plan, a canal. Suez636. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.637. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.638. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.639. A misguided platypus will lay its eggs in your shorts.640. A Mogwai is simply a highly evolved Tribble.641. A moose once bit my sister.642. A mouse is an elephant built by the japanese.643. A muth once bit my sister.644. A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.645. A noble choice, but first ...646. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat647. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.648. A penny saved is ridiculous.649. A penny saved is ridiculous.650. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.651. A phaser is the universal communicator. - Worf652. A phaser on stun is like a day without orange juice.653. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - George Wald654. A piano is a piano is a piano. - Gertrude Steinway.655. A plucked goose does not lay golden eggs.656. A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.657. A procrastinator's work is never done.

658. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.659. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.660. A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.661. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.662. A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun663. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. - Slick's Law of the Universe664. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.665. A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.###666. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. - Rules for driving in New York667. A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward or it dies.668. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery669. A rolling disk gathers no mos.670. A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, but drug convictions are another story.671. A rolling stone gathers no moss.672. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago673. A shortcut is the longest path between two points.674. A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.675. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard - Prof. Steiner676. A single conversation across the table with a wise man is worth a months study of books. - Chinese Proverb677. A single fact can spoil a good argument.678. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.679. A snake lurks in the grass.680. A soft drink turneth away company.You're all over it, like a cheap suit.681. A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - Mark Twain682. A stitch in time saves nine.683. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.684. A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - O'Henry685. A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.686. A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. - S. C. Johnson687. A surprised Data is propositioned by the E's Computer.688. A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.689. A Tale of Two Zities -Dickens's cookbook690. A theory is better than its explanation.691. A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.692. A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.693. A Thousand points of Broccoli694. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"695. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.696. A tribble a day keeps the Klingons away.........697. A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.698. A truly lazy person is never bored.699. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.700. A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.701. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. - John Ciardi702. A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by

the seashore.703. A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - Tenessee Williams704. A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle.705. A victim of a prank, Geordi puts a banana over his eyes706. A violent man will die a violent death.707. A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.708. A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.709. A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.710. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.711. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.712. A well-known friend is a treasure.713. A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. - Baltasar Gracian714. A wise man once said.... I don't know...715. A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.716. A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.717. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.718. A word to the wise is enough.719. A writer must not shift your point of view.720. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in god.721. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.722. A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes.723. A)bort R)etry G)et a stick and kill it.724. A. "Yes, but it is generally better to take it for a walk."725. A: I don't know and I don't care.726. AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse727. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk You brute Knock before entering a ladies room728. Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here.729. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.730. Abort, Retry, Fail? - Microsoft731. ABORT: Drivel filter is compromised732. Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.733. About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.734. About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.735. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - Herbert Hoover736. Above all else - sky.737. Above all things, reverence yourself.738. Abrasive - A fine mesh for sifting female undergarments.739. Absence makes the dick grow longer.740. Absence makes the heart go wander.741. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.742. Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.743. Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"744. Abstain from beans.745. Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"746. Abstinence makes the heart grow fondler.747. Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"748. Academy: A modern school where football is taught.749. Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.750. Accidents cause History.

751. Accolade - An effervescent fruit cordial made from Accos.752. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo753. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.754. Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.755. Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.756. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence757. Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right758. Acid -- better living through chemistry.759. Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.760. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"761. Acquire - A group of singers commonly found in churches.762. Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.763. Actually it is an interplanetary greeting.764. Acute Angle - A very attractive early Briton.765. ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."766. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.767. Addiction - The process by which one becomes a dick.768. Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.769. Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"770. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.771. Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.772. Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery.773. Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"774. Adult, n.: One old enough to know better.775. Advancement in position.776. Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it. - Horace777. Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.778. Advisor: The guy who told you how to screw up779. Adweanne - Rocky780. After a long bath Worf sees the fleas as his true friends781. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.782. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.783. After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. - H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare784. After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P. J. O'Rourke785. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.786. After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?787. After much thought Picard assumes the bowling ball phase.788. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.789. After we pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend790. Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.791. Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.792. Age 'n Treachery Overcome Youth 'n Skill793. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.794. Agrimony - What a divorced farmer pays his ex-wife.795. Ah, come on, just this one last little feature.

796. Ah, my trombone. Let me show you how it works. - Riker797. Ahah798. Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.799. Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.800. Air Geordis - TNG footwear801. Air is water with holes in it802. Air pollution is a mist demeanor.803. Alas, how love can trifle with itself804. Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed805. Albatross, get your albatross ....806. Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.807. Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.808. Alex Haley was adopted809. Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000.###810. ALEXANDER BELL'S THEOREM: When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings.811. Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.812. Algorithm is a set of instructions. E.g. How to use the telephone: If 'phone not working' then 'phone operator.'813. Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.814. Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. - Peggy Joyce815. All art is but imitation of nature.816. All art is quite useless.817. All babies speak Klingonese818. All diagnostics are fatal.819. All government is theft, some just steal less.820. All great discoveries are made by accident.821. All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.822. All hope abandon, ye who enjoy tax forms.823. All hope abandon, ye who enter here.824. All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.###825. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.826. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.827. All I need to know I learned from my cat.828. All in all it's just another brick in the wall...829. All is well that ends well.830. All laws are basically false.831. All machines are amplifiers.832. All men know the utility of useful things, but not know the utility of futility833. All my troubles seem so far away.834. All people walk through life, some always looking back, others always looking forward. I always look upward. - Sly835. All programers are optimists.836. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.837. All programmers want arrays838. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. - Samuel Butler839. All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.840. All right, set phasers to deep fat fry841. All right, who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?842. All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - E. Rutherford843. All stressed out, and no one to choke.844. All that glitters has a high refractive index.845. All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.846. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - Sean O'Casey847. All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed.848. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.849. All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.

850. All trends towards Chaos.851. All true wisdom is found in taglines.852. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.853. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.854. All wars are ironic because all wars are worse than expected.855. All work and no play, will make you a manager.856. All's well that ends.857. Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"858. Allowing for seasonal adjustments, things are actually getting better.859. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.860. Alone, adj.: In bad company. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"861. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.862. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.863. Always cut the cards.864. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.865. Always draw your curves, then plot the data.866. Always pick on the correct idiom.867. Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.868. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.869. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.870. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.871. Always tell a woman she's beautiful, especially if she isn't.872. Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.873. Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.874. AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.875. AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.876. Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"877. Ambiguity is the preserve of the nimble minded, yet frozen lipped.878. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Charlie McCarthy879. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.880. Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.881. America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - John O'Hara882. America the land of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine883. America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"884. America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.885. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.886. Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -887. Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.888. An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.889. An artist cannot speak about art, any more than a plant can discuss horticulture. - Jean Cocteau890. An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.891. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.892. An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.893. An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.894. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.895. An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.896. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.897. An engineer is someone who does list processing in fortran.898. An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - A.

P. Herbert899. An expert is someone from out of town.900. An honest God is the noblest work of man.901. An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.902. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.903. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.904. An idle mind is worth two in the bush.905. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.906. An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills907. An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.908. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -909. Anal retentive people don't give a crap.910. Anarchy is against the law.911. Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.912. Anatomically Correct beats Policically Correct ANY DAY913. Anchovies? You've got the wrong man I spell my name DANGER (click)914. Ancient Greeks made dolphin-killing punishable by death.915. And Adam asked "What's a Headache?"916. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.917. And God said, "I'll buy a vowel."918. And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r, and there was light.919. And here's another clue for you all: The walrus was Paul.920. And I alone am returned to wag the tail.921. And I thought *I* had problems922. And if you believe that one, I have a cheap IBM mini to sell you - The sales man923. And now a word from our sponsor...924. And now for something completely different. A man with 3 buttocks.925. And now... The Larch.926. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.927. And that's inches babe, not centimetres. - Johnny Holmes928. And the Lord said 'Maxwells Equations'. And there was light.929. And the people bowed and prayed, to the neon Gods they'd made. - Paul Simon930. And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.931. And they're off932. And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.933. And you thought CHAOS ment rush-hour traffic934. Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. - Tom Leher935. Ankh if you love Isis.936. Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"937. Another day, another shaving accident.938. Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.939. Another nearly-full box of Smarties940. Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.941. Answers: $1. Correct answers: $5. Dumb looks: Free942. Antelope - Someone who is against all lopes.943. Antelope freeway--1/4 mile.944. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.945. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.946. Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.947. Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe948. Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.949. Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - Aesop950. Any excuse will serve a tyrant.951. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.952. Any I.C. protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.953. Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.954. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.955. Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be

liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London956. Any shrine is better than self-worship.957. Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.958. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.959. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - A. C. Clarke960. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.961. Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.962. Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.963. Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.964. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.965. Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.966. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.967. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - Publilius Syrus968. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.969. Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.970. Anyone want a burger? It has cheese on both sides971. Anyone who can cope with mathematics is not fully human.972. Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"973. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn974. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. - W. C. Fields975. Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"976. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.977. Anything done while honking your horn is legal. - Rules for driving in New York978. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.979. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.980. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. -981. Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.982. Anything is possible, unless it's not.983. Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.984. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy...985. Anything that can go wr ... # ^% Bus Error - Core986. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing987. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.988. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.989. Appearances often are deceiving.990. Apple Computer don't threaten us, we can buy them out of petty cash. - John Akers, IBM991. April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.992. Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets"993. Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.994. Archimedes had no principles995. Are Cheerios really donut seeds?996. Are they made from real Girl Scouts?997. Are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?998. Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?999. Are we not men?1000.Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head.1001.Are you a turtle?1002.Are you out of my mind?

1003.Are you prepared to defend yourself?1004.Aren't you glad that everything is going so smoothly?1005.ARG n. Abbreviation for "argument" (to a function), used so often as to have become a new word.1006.Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.1007.ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.1008.Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - Mickey Mouse1009.Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle1010.Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.1011.ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH1012.ARTHUR'S LAW OF LOVE: People to whom you are attracted think you remind them of someone else.1013.Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.1014.Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity1015.Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.1016.As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.1017.As easy as 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197161018.As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein1019.As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert1020.As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.###1021.As I said before, I never repeat myself.1022.As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.1023.As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?1024.As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - Oscar Wilde1025.As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.1026.As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.1027.As the axe entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us."1028.As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen1029.As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"1030.As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.1031.As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."1032.As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."1033.ASCII and ye shall receive.1034.ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSI1035.ASCII stupid question... get a stupid ANSI1036.Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate.1037.Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.1038.Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.1039.Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".1040.Assumption is the mother of all screwups...1041.Astronauts are out to launch.1042.At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head

under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.1043.At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 19851044.At the end of the day, it's balls in the back of the net that counts.1045.At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.1046.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.1047.Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - Winston Churchill1048.ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.1049.Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy.1050.Aural sex produces eargasms.1051.Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)1052.Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many.1053.AUTOEXEC.BAT = Lee Iacocca as a vampire.1054.Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.1055.Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.1056.Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.1057.Avoid colloquial stuff.1058.Avoid commas, that are not necessary.1059.Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.1060.Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." - The Official MBA Handbook on business cards1061.Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"1062.Avoid reality at all costs.1063.Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.1064.Avoid temporary variables and strange women.1065.Avoid temporary variables.1066.Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF.1067.Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.1068.Avoid unnecessary branches.1069.Awwww its just a Harmless little Bunny1070.Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1071.Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch1072.Back Up My Hard Drive? I don't have a license yet1073.Backup - originally to take a security copy of a program or file. Now used interchageably with pirate and steal.1074.Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic1075.Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell Computer1076.Bad command or file name Go stand in the corner.1077.Bad command or file name. Go sit in corner.1078.Bad Command or Filename. Or maybe you screwed up.1079.Badness comes in waves.1080.Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.1081.Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.1082.BAKER'S LAW: You never want the one you can afford.1083.Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.1084.Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.1085.BAR 1. The second metasyntactic variable after FOO (q.v.) "Suppose we have two functions, FOO and BAR. FOO calls BAR..."1086.BAR 2. Often appended to FOO to produce FOOBAR.1087.BARACH'S RULE: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.1088.Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.1089.Barney and Baby Bop MUST DIE

1090.Barnum was wrong....it's more like every 30 seconds1091.Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1092.Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.1093.Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.1094.Base 10 numbers are still not accepted by a number of older people who grew up with shillings and crowns.1095.Base 2 is a difficult base for computers to perform arithmetic in, particularly if the task involves variables, negative, fixed or floating point numbers.1096.Basic Airline Flying: Keep the pointy end forward1097.BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.1098.BASIC isn't; C stands for Confusing...1099.Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.1100.BBS: a method to triple your phone bill.1101.Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.1102.Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.1103.Be affectionate to one who adores you.1104.BE ALERT (The world needs more lerts ...)1105.Be alert, the world needs more lerts.1106.Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"1107.Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.1108.Be braver. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.1109.Be careful Is it classified?1110.Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. - Mark Twain1111.Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.1112.Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.1113.Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.1114.Be cautious in your daily affairs.1115.Be cheerful while you are alive.1116.Be different: conform.1117.Be excellent to each other..1118.Be free and open and breezy Enjoy Things won't get any better so get used to it.1119.Be happy with the real pleasures in life.1120.Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.1121.Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.1122.Be Nice to Your Enemies, It Drives Them Nuts.1123.Be patient with those who are slower than you, for they make you look better.1124.Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.1125.Be seeing you.1126.Be self-reliant and your success is assured.1127.Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.1128.Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.1129.Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"1130.Be wewy wewy quiet...I'm hunting Womulins1131.Beam me aboard Scotty. Aye, will a 2x4 do captain?1132.Beam me up Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. - Capt. James T. Kirk1133.Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room.1134.Beam me up, Scotty, but leave the others here.1135.Beam me up, Scotty, This planet sucks1136.Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. - J.T. Kirk1137.Beam me up, Scotty

1138.Beam me up, there's no intelligent life here1139.Beat me, whip me, make me read my Qmail1140.Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.1141.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....1142.Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. -1143.Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.1144.Beauty seldom recommends one to another.1145.Because the wine remembers.1146.Bedfellows make strange politicians.1147.BEDFELLOWS RULE: The one who snores will fall asleep first.1148.Been Transferred Lately?1149.Beep Invalid Input. I take only cash....1150.Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore. - Bumper sticker###1151.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.1152.Beggars should be no choosers.1153.Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.1154.Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out1155.Behaviorist psychology -- pulling habits out of rats.1156.Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.1157.Behind every succesfull man is woman with nothing to wear1158.Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.1159.Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde.1160.Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.1161.Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.1162.Being natural is simply a pose.1163.Being one man too many, Ensign Extra is booted off the E.1164.Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.1165.BENEDICT'S PRINCIPLE (formerly MURPHY'S NINTH COROLLARY): Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.1166.BERYL'S LAW: The "CONSUMER REPORT" on the item will come out a week after you buy the item.1167.Best file compression around "DEL *.*" - 100% comp.1168.Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression)1169.Better dead than mellow.1170.Better late than never.1171.Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.1172.Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is.1173.Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.1174.Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.1175.Beware low flying ducks1176.Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.1177.Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.1178.Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.1179.Beware of Bigfoot1180.Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.1181.Beware of Geeks bearing gifs.1182.Beware of geeks bearing graft.1183.Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.1184.Beware of low flying butterflies.1185.Beware of low-flying butterflies.1186.Beware of low-flying rocks.1187.Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein1188.Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.1189.Beware of quantum ducks. Quark Quark1190.Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.1191.Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.1192.Beware the legless man who teaches running.1193.Beware the man with white feathers and an orange mouth, for he is a duck in disguise.

1194.Beware the new TTY code1195.Beware the thirty-first of November.1196.BhlarneyStone: For benchmarking vapourware.1197.Big things come in .QWK packages.1198.Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.1199.Biggest security gap - an open mouth.1200.Bill Gates made $6.3 Billion selling us MS-DOS?1201.Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.1202.Biography: One of the terrors of death.1203.Biology grows on you.1204.Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York1205.Bird lives.1206.Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1207.Biz is better.1208.Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic###1209.Blackberries are red when they are green.1210.Blah.1211.Blessed are the Greeks1212.Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.1213.Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.1214.Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.1215.Blessed our young they will inherit our national debt.1216.BLISS is ignorance.1217.Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.1218.Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.1219.Blow - opposite of Buv.1220.Bluegrass is not just a weed.1221.BOCKLAGE'S LAW: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.1222.Boldly going Forward because we can't find Reverse1223.Boldly going where no modem has gone before...###1224.If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.1225.Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.1226.Bond. James Bond. - Pick up line1227.BOOB'S LAW: (from MURPHY'S LAW): You always find something the last place you look.1228.Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.1229.Bookie - pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.1230.Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1231.Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.1232.Borg Empire: Equal opportunity Assimilator1233.Borg Mail Reader v2.1a Tagline theft is futile.1234.Borg Mail Reader v2.1a Taglines are irrelevent.1235.Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.1236.Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-31237.Borg spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-31238.Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER1239.BorgBurgers - We do it our way; your way is irrelevant.1240.BorgBurgers: We do it OUR way. Yours is irrelevant1241.BorgDOS v5.0 - Assimilate Another? [Y/n]1242.Borger King - We do it our way Your way is irrelevant1243.Borger King: Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.1244.Borger King: We do it our way. Yours is irrelevant.1245.Boss spelled backwards is "double-SOB"1246.Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."

1247.Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.1248.Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.1249.Bow down to Rick Wakeman1250.Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.1251.Boycott Clockwork Peach.1252.Boycott meat - suck your thumb.1253.Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"1254.Brain Disengaged; Call Back Tomorrow.1255.Brain fried -- Core dumped1256.Brain fried -- Memory dumped.1257.Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1258.Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1259.BRAIN.COM file closed. (A)rgue (R)etry (F)orget It1260.Brain: apparatus used to think we think.1261.Break up a relationship - buy a computer1262.BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.1263.BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.1264.Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...1265.Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"1266.Breath Deep, The Gathering Gloom...1267.BREDA'S RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.1268.Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.1269.Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1270.Bring home the bacon? HECK I Brought the PIG1271.Bring me a bug and I will pummel it to pieces.1272.Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.1273.BRINTNALL'S LAW: If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.1274.Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.1275.BROKEN adj. 1. Not working properly (of programs). 2. Behaving strangely; especially (of people), exhibiting extreme depression.1276.Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later1277.Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.1278.Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".1279.Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.1280.Buenos dias. ¿Cómo estás?1281.Buffalo is not just the name of an animal.1282.Buffer - Member of Whitehall gentlemans club. Alternatively, a place to store data temporarily until a processor is ready for it.1283.BUFFERS=7 FILES=5, 2nd Down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go1284.Bug - when your computer tells you 2+2=TUESDAY you have a bug. See Feature.1285.BUG [from telephone terminology, "bugs in a telephone cable", blamed for noisy lines.] n. An unwanted and unintended (and undesirable) property of a program. See FEATURE.1286.Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.1287.Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.1288.Bugs are sons of glitches1289.Build a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

1290.Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.1291.Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.1292.Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: the big chunks rise to the top1293.Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.1294.Bus error -- Core dumped1295.Business will be either better or worse. --Calvin Coolidge1296.But Captain--the engines can't take this much longer1297.But does Bo know double diamonds?1298.But I don't like Spam1299.But I thought YOU did the backups...1300.But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"1301.But of course, it *is* only my opinion.1302.But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. - Hilaire Belloc1303.But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery -- go - Mark "The Bard" Twain1304.But soft, what bird through yonder window breaks?1305.But then I saw her face, now I'm a believer. - The Monkeys1306.But Windows bashing is my job...1307.But you shall not escape my iambics.1308.Buy Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week.1309.Buy low, sell high.1310.BUZZ v. To run in a very tight loop, perhaps without guarantee of getting out.1311.By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.1312.By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.1313.By following the good, you learn to be good.1314.By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart.1315.By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.1316.By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch.1317.Bye Kids1318.BYRNE'S LAW OF CONCRETING: When you pour, it rains.1319.C program run, C program crash, C programmer cry.1320.C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. - Ray Simard1321.C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files ^^^oo^^^1322.C:\DAMSEL.EXE crosslinked w/DISTRESS.COM--RESCUE?(y/n)1323.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN1324.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\CRASH1325.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\RUN\WINDOWS C:\DOS\RUN\SLOW1326.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\RUN\AMUCK1327.CA bumper sticker: Cover me, I'm changing lanes.1328.Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1329.Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.1330.California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen1331.Californians are not without their faults.1332.Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian proverb1333.Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?1334.Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.1335.Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? - Pick up line1336.Can you do the Picard Maneuver in a Grand Am?1337.Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?

1338.Can you whistle 300 baud?1339.Can you whistle a telephone number?1340.Can't learn to do it well? Learn to enjoy doing it badly1341.Can't open /usr/lib/fortunes.1342.Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.1343.Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post1344.Canada: a few acres of snow. - Voltaire1345.Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>1346.Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh?" [y/n]1347.CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.1348.Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. - Ogden Nash1349.Cannot fork -- try again.1350.Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.1351.CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees.1352.Captain The UARTs kenna' take these speeds1353.Captain ... one .. harmless ... little ... Tribble?1354.Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.1355.Captain please, not in front of the Klingons.1356.Captain Someone has snorted all the dilithium crystals.1357.Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.1358.Captain, I need to kill someone. ~ Worf1359.Captain, I protest. I am NOT a merry man - Worf1360.Captain, phasers and photons down, get the hand phaser out1361.Captain, please. Not in front of the Klingons.1362.Captain, the UARTs won't take this Speed1363.Captain, we have engaged dataschlurp mode1364.Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero Horace (8 BC)1365.Carpe Diem.1366.Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. - Mark Twain1367.Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.1368.Caution: This stuff is addictive...1369.Cavorting about like that isn't proper behavior. - Picard1370.CC -G -A -Z HELLO.C GOODBYE.C ABBEY.C ROAD.C - Dennis M. Ritchie1371.CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..1372.CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..1373.Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.1374.Celebrate Hannibal Day today. Take an elephant to lunch.1375.Celibacy is hereditary.1376.Celibacy is not hereditary.1377.Censorship is something [[[[[[ [[[[ I do [[[ like1378.Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?1379.Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543.1380.Cereal Killer Strikes Again Cap'n Crunch found dead...1381.Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying then without money? - Ogden Nash1382.Chance favours the prepared mind. - Louis Pasteur1383.Change your thoughts and you change your world.1384.Chaparral - A men only arral.1385.Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.1386.Charity begins at home.1387.Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.1388.Charlie don't surf - Col. Kilgore (Apocalypse Now)1389.Charm is a way of getting a "yes" without having asked any clear question.

1390.CHARNOCK'S LAW: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.1391.Chastity is its own punishment.1392.Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.1393.Check again to make sure it's not loaded.1394.CHEIT'S LAMENT: If you help a friend in need he's sure to remember you - the next time he's in need.1395.Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.1396.Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.1397.Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way1398.Chemists have solutions.1399.Chemists really know their bismuth.1400.CHEOPS' LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.1401.Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often1402.Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.1403.Chicken Little was right.1404.Chicken Little was right.1405.Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"1406.Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.1407.Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash1408.Children have more need of models than of critics.1409.Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.1410.Children: Pure love contained in soft packages.1411.Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."1412.Chipmunks roasting on an open fire...1413.Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.1414.Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.1415.Chown up. Chow down.1416.Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.1417.Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.###1418.Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.1419.Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets"1420.Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.1421.Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.1422.Claravoiant meeting canceled due to unforseen events.1423.Clark Kent is a transvestite.1424.CLARK'S LAW:1425.Classified material requires proper storage.1426.Cleanliness is next to impossible.1427.Cleanliness is next to impossible.1428.Cleanliness is next to impossible.1429.Cleats - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"1430.Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.1431.Click..Click..Click..Damn Out of taglines1432.Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.1433.Clones are people two.1434.Clones are people two.1435.Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.1436.Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.1437.Closing on ship target. Music on Fire away1438.Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain1439.Coastal access, next left.

1440.Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.1441.Cobol programmers understand why women hate periods.1442.Cobol programs are an exercise in artificial inelegance.1443.Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.1444.Coffee in England is just toasted milk.1445.COFFEE.COM not found: (A)bort, (R)eheat, (S)nooze1446.Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1447.Cogito ergo cogito1448.Cogli l'attimo Cogli l'attimo.1449.COIT-MURPHY'S STATEMENT ON THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING: It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.1450.COKE IS IT1451.Cold pizza: the generic breakfast1452.Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.1453.Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.1454.Cole's law: thinly sliced cabbage.1455.Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.1456.Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.1457.Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.1458.Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.1459.Come on down to 292 Chesterville Rd, Moorabbin, and let me, do it right for YOU1460.Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"1461.Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"1462.Coming Soon Mouse Support for Edlin1463.Coming Soon. Mouse Support for Turbo Edlin1464.Coming Soon. Mouse Support for Turbo Edlin1465.Coming Soon... Turbo Edlin1466.Coming soon: Netware for Nintendo1467.Command - used to instruct computers. Usually elicits the response "Syntax error".1468.Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.1469.COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. - Dorothy Parker1470.Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.1471.Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.1472.Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein1473.Communism: What's not illegal, is compulsory.1474.Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.1475.Complaints? Write them here legibly [] <-1476.Compress - Female of Comperor.1477.Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts1478.Computer engineers do it bit by bit.1479.Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.1480.Computer programmers do it byte by byte1481.Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.1482.Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.1483.Computer, microwave decks 5-10 until piping hot. BEEP1484.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.1485.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.1486.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are

1487.Computers are OUR business, our ONLY business1488.Computers ARE the future. Oh the future looks grim1489.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.1490.Computers can never replace human stupidity.1491.Computers can never replace human stupidity.1492.Computers unite you have nothing to lose but your operators.1493.Con 'sta pioggia e con 'sto vento chi e' che bossa a 'sto convento?1494.Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - LaRouchefoucauld1495.Concentrate on security.1496.Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.1497.Condense soup, not books1498.Conditional jumps is when you tell the computer to go to a certain place. Unconditional is if you put it in the wrong place so the computer goes to the wrong place.1499.Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - Peter de Vries1500.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.1501.Confidence is telling someone how to use his Twit Filter.1502.Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.1503.Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.1504.Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.1505.Confucius say: "I have no time for monks resisting the carnival"1506.Confuse people: start making sense.1507.Confusion is always increasing in society.1508.Confusticate and bebother these dwarves1509.Congratulations The pressure will stop soon.1510.Congratulations You are the 16,777,216th user to login to our system.1511.Congratulations You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.1512.Congratulations You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.1513.Congratulations Data, it's a girl. Troy - The Offsprin1514.CONgress (n) - Opposite of PROgress1515.CONNOR'S SECOND LAW: If something is confidential it will be left in the copier machine.1516.Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking - H. L. Mencken1517.Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.1518.Conservatism is the worship of dead revolutions.1519.Consider your reputation. Try changing your name and moving to a new town.1520.Constant change is here to stay.1521.Consult a real expert - Call your mother1522.Consultancy - The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence.1523.Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.1524.Contacts Plus... The adventure continues.1525.Contains less than 2% U.S. RDA for this echo1526.Contentsoftaglinemaysettleduringshipping.1527.Continental Life. Why do you ask?1528.Control-Alt-Delete thyself1529.Convention is the ruler of all.1530.Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.1531.Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.1532.Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.1533.COOPER'S METALAW: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.1534.Copy from another: plagiarism. Copy from many: research.1535.Copywight 1991 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved1536.CORNUELLE'S LAW: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to

do them.1537.Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1538.Corrupt Data - a copy of Mac Playmate.1539.Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.1540.Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. - P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan1541.Could be an ever-opening flower.1542.Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.1543.Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your thumbs1544.Courage is fear that has said its prayers.1545.Courage is grace under pressure.1546.Courage is your greatest present fault.1547.Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1548.CPAV Warning:(S)top (C)ontinue (B)urn infected disk1549.CPU - Random number generator1550.CRANE'S LAW: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.1551.Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - Wernher von Braun1552.Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE1553.Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.1554.Create your own opportunity. Blackmail a senior executive.1555.Creditors have much better memories than debtors.1556.Crewman Green, step on that rock <BOOM>1557.Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. - A. E. Newman1558.Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. - A. E. Newman1559.Crime does not pay... as well as politics.1560.Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it1561.Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1562.Critical error: (S)hout, (S)mash, (B)uy a mac.1563.Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.1564.Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?1565.Crusher: Worf, have you seen Wesley? Worf: No, I haven't1566.Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.1567.Cure the disease and kill the patient.1568.Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got 'im with the mower1569.Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.1570.Currency - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"1571.Cursor - small blob on the screen, usually flashing.1572.CURSOR: What you become when your system crashes.1573.Cut life support to all quarters with children - Picard1574.Cut my pizza in six slices, please; I can't eat eight.1575.Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz.1576.Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1577.Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.1578.D.O.S. - program designed to make an even flow of dust round the disk.1579.Daddy, what does "FORMATTING DRIVE C:....." mean ?1580.Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?1581.Daddy, what does RESET mean1582.Daisies of the world unite You have nothing to lose but your chains.1583.Dammit Bones, I'm a captain, not a doctor1584.Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.1585.Dammit, Jim, I'm a floor wax, not a dessert topping1586.Damn It Jim I'm a Doctor not a Tagline writer1587.Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a doctor Hey, wait a minute

1588.DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE1589.Damn Outta Antimatter. I told Geordi $50 wasn't enough1590.Damn this hobby is expensive1591.Darmok and Jhilad at Tanagra1592.Darn Out of tribble tags1593.Darn STILL out of tribble tags1594.Darth Vadar Only you would be so bold.1595.Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.1596.Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie.1597.Data becomes vilently ill with a computer virus.1598.DATA COMPRESSION: What You Get When You Squish An Android1599.Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.1600.Data enjoys a smoke after interfacing with the Computer.1601.Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat1602.Data- "It IS the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Captain"1603.DAVIS' ANSWER TO ROGER'S LAW: Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.1604.Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1605.Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.1606.De-accession euphemisms.1607.Dead cat brush - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"1608.Dead, huh? Well, that's one less thing. - Beverly1609.Deadwood. Nineteenth Century Earth. The Ancient West.1610.DEAL'S SAILING LAW: the amount of wind varies inversely with the number and experience of the crew.1611.Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.1612.Deanna tries to read my mind and sees taglines.1613.Deanna tries to read Picard's mind and sees Pontiac.1614.Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct?1615.Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.1616.Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats.1617.Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.1618.Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - R. Geis1619.Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.1620.Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.1621.Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.1622.Death is proven to be 99.9% fatal to all laboratory rats.1623.Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.1624.Death: The unfortunate side effect of attacking a cop.1625.Death: to stop sinning suddenly.1626.Debugger - de bloke dat sold us dis system.1627.Decay, inherent in all component things. Buddha-last wrds1628.Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.1629.Decisions terminate panic.1630.Decouple - De man and him missus.1631.Deep down, you don't understand me.1632.Deep Space Nine: The Third Coming of Star Trek1633.Definition of Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.1634.Deflector shields just came on, Captain.1635.DELETE A FORTUNE Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts? Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged.1636.Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1637.Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.1638.Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - Senator Soaper1639.Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the

incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - G. B. Shaw1640.Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - H. L. Mencken1641.Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.1642.Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. - E. B. White1643.Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1644.Department meeting in 3 minutes.1645.Depend not on fortune, but on conduct.1646.Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.1647.DESQview: Better windows1648.DESQview: Faster than a Cray (running Windows)1649.Dessert? I'll take a piece of cherry c.1650.Detach the saucer, Data. Don't spill the tea1651.Details 20 minutes from now on Action Central News, kids.1652.DEVICEHIGH: Your device driver on drugs.1653.DEVRIES' DILEMMA: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want will hit the paper.1654.DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.1655.Diagnostics can best be understood in the context of the source code.1656.Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.1657.Did Qmodem originate in the Q continuum?1658.Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?1659.Did you know that clones never use mirrors? - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"1660.Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?1661.Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. - Elbert Hubbard1662.Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail.1663.Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.1664.Digital circuits are made from analog parts.1665.Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.1666.DINER'S DILEMMA: A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.1667.Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a club.1668.Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.1669.Direct action produces direct reaction.1670.Direct from the Ministry of Silly Walks.1671.Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.1672.Disco is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.1673.Discoveries are made by not following instructions.1674.Discretion - putting two and two together and keeping your mouth shut.1675.Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.1676.Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home.1677.Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.1678.Disk crisis, please clean up1679.Disk Drive - machine part designed to collect dust, cigarette ash, etc.1680.Disk Head - that part of a machine designed to be worn down by dust.1681.Disks travel in packs.1682.Divers do it better under pressure.1683.Divers do it deeper.1684.Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Ask Data.1685.Do be a do-bee - Miss Sally1686.Do be do be do - Sinatra1687.Do bears bear-eth, do bees bee-eth? - David Addison1688.Do I smoke after sex? I never looked.1689.Do it now There might be a law against it tomorrow.1690.Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal.1691.Do married women make the best wives?1692.Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?1693.Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps...1694.Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.

1695.Do not be overly suspicious where it is not warranted.1696.Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.1697.Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.1698.Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.1699.Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.1700.Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.1701.Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.1702.Do not expose this tagline to direct sunlight.1703.Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today.1704.Do not learn the tricks of the trade--learn the trade.1705.Do not lend money to a fiend.1706.Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.1707.Do not put statements in the negative form.1708.Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a))1709.DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG (UNDER PENALTY OF LAW)1710.Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.1711.Do not speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.1712.Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.1713.Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective.1714.Do not underestimate the power of the Force.1715.Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.1716.Do televangelists do more than lay people?1717.Do unto others before they do unto you.1718.Do unto others JUST BEFORE they do unto you1719.Do you feel Lucky, punk???1720.Do you have a job?1721.Do you have lysdexia?1722.Do you know how many of those pills it takes to prevent a super baby? - Lois Lane1723.Do you know JESUS? If so, tell him he owes me $2.1724.Do you know Montana?1725.Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?1726.Do you like good music? That sweet Soul Music. - Atlantic Records1727.Do you need me for anything, or shall I just sit here and rust? - Marvin, the paranoid android1728.Do you want fries with that? - McDonald's slogan1729.Do you want to see something swell? - Pick up line1730.Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.1731.Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...1732.Does anybody have a ";" Reminder key?1733.Does bouncing count?1734.Does history record any case where a majority was right?1735.Does the E's Computer have enough RAM to run Windows?1736.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?1737.Does Windows 3.1 come with a Hard Drive?1738.Does your computer talk to you?1739.Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.1740.Doing gets it done.1741.Doing my part to preserve order in the universe1742.Domestic happiness and faithful friends.1743.Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.1744.Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence1745.Don't be a schmuck... BE A SCHMUCK1746.Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.1747.Don't blame me I was dancing Friday night1748.Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it.1749.Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.1750.Don't count your bridges before you burn them.1751.Don't crush that dwarf; hand me the pliers.1752.Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.1753.Don't diddle code to make it faster -- find a better algorithm.

1754.Don't drink and park, accidents cause people1755.Don't eat yellow snow.1756.Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.1757.Don't everyone thank me at once.1758.Don't feed the bats tonight.1759.Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.1760.Don't gamble with security.1761.Don't get mad, get even. - Robert F. Kennedy1762.Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.1763.Don't give up, I'm proud of who you are.1764.Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.1765.Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"1766.Don't guess - check your security regulations.1767.Don't hate yourself in the morning - Sleep till noon.1768.Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.1769.Don't I know you?1770.Don't kill the whale.1771.Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. - Bumper sticker1772.Don't let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.1773.Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.1774.Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.1775.Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder1776.Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.1777.Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.1778.Don't overuse exclamation marks1779.Don't panic.1780.Don't Panic1781.Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"1782.Don't patch bad code-- rewrite it.1783.Don't play "stupid" with me - I'm better at it.1784.Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"1785.Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.1786.Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.1787.Don't read everything you believe.1788.Don't shoot the pianist.1789.Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.1790.DON'T STEAL - The government hates competition.1791.Don't stop at one bug.1792.Don't surround yourself with yourself.1793.Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros.1794.Don't take life so seriously. It won't last.1795.Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.1796.Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.1797.Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.1798.Don't Think SCHEME1799.Don't torture yourself...that's my job.1800.Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - Famous last words1801.Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.1802.Don't use contractions in formal writing.1803.Don't use no double negatives.1804.Don't vote--it only encourages them1805.Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.1806.Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.1807.Don't worry over what other people are thinking of you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking of them.1808.Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo...1809.Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job.1810.Don't worry, it's not loaded. - Famous last words

1811.DOS + Windows + ATM < OS/2 2.01812.DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.11813.DOS is the greatest computer virus ever written - UNIX user1814.DOS is todays CP/M - Windows is tomorrows CP/M1815.DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.1816.DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse1817.DOS never says "Excellent command or filename..."1818.DOS Tip : Don't use DOS.1819.DOS: Tells a computer what to do with itself1820.DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...1821.Double your drive space Delete Windows1822.Double1823.Down with ignurance1824.DOYLE'S LAW: No matter how many share a cab, each puts the full fare on their expense account.1825.Dr. McCoy, I hate your #*@%ing human guts. Discussion?1826.Dr. Soong did not intend me to be used this way. - Data1827.Dracula died in vain.1828.Draw from your fine command of language and say nothing.1829.Draw your salary before spending it.1830.Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.1831.Drilling for oil is boring.1832.Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.1833.Drive A: not responding.. .Formating C: instead1834.Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream1835.Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence1836.Drive defensively, buy a tank.1837.Drop 'em. - Pick up line1838.Drop that pickle1839.Drop the vase and it will become a ming of the past.1840.DUCHARME'S PRECEPT: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.1841.Duck who fly upside down have quack up.1842.Ducks? What ducks?1843.Duh. . . I didn't know FORMAT C: did that?1844.Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.1845.Dumb Terminal - doesn't understand what you're trying to get it to do.1846.Dust-balls - The cheap man's tribble.1847.Duty is what one expects from others.1848.DYKSTRA'S LAW: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.1849.e <-- Baby Tribble with bottle1850.E Pluribus Unix1851.Each of us bears his own Hell.1852.Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.1853.Eagles Soar, but weasels arn't sucked into jets1854.Earth- Mostly Harmless (HHGTG 2nd ed.)1855.Earthquakes are Earth's way of saying, WAKE UP1856.Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.1857.Eat any good books lately ~ Q1858.Eat more possum. - West Virginian bumper sticker1859.Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.1860.Eat triticale: 3.56 quadrillion tribbles can't be wrong1861.Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.1862.Economy makes men independent.1863.Ecosystems, schmecosystems. - Exxon1864.Editing is a rewording activity.1865.Editing is a rewording activity.1866.Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.1867.Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.1868.Efficiency takes time Frugality: who can afford it?1869.Ehh, Whats up doc? - B. Bunny1870.Ekkey ekkey ekkey p'tang wheee1871.Ekkie ekkie phatang zooboing1872.Electric chairs are period furniture: they end a sentence

1873.Elegant Frankfurter - A haute dog1874.Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.1875.Elliptic paraboloids for sale.1876.Eloquence is logic on fire.1877.Elvis is alive and doing my laundry.1878.Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.1879.England are a goal ahead -- that's a win if it stays that way.1880.English is wonderful, when used correctly.1881.Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.1882.Enjoy yourself - spring is here1883.Enjoyment is my speciality.1884.Enough research will tend to support your theory.1885.Ensgin Expendable, step on that rock - Kirk1886.Ensign Pillsbury: He's bread Jim1887.Ensign Singer... Make it sew.1888.Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution.1889.Ensign, engage datasuck mode1890.Enter your personal identification number.1891.Entropy ain't what it used to be.1892.Entropy isn't what it used to be.1893.Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.1894.Equal bytes for women.1895.Equinox - Cross between a horse and a cow.1896.Eres encantador.1897.Eres precioso.1898.Errare umanum est.1899.Error #1511: Brain Offline1900.Error - [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ake like it's working...1901.Error : (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it1902.Error 005: Windows loading. Come back tomorrow.1903.Error 216: Tagline out of paper1904.Error 96: Dead mouse in hard drive.1905.Error finding REALITY.SYS - Universe halted.1906.Error in REALITY.SYS. Run BIGBANG.EXE (Y/N)1907.Error reading FAT table. Try SKINNY one? (Y/N)1908.ERROR: CPU not found1909.ERROR: REALITY.SYS Corrupted -- Universe unrecoverable1910.ERROR: Unable to come up with a good tagline.1911.Es hombre el que puede decir «Soy»; No es hombre el que sólo dice «Mi padre era».1912.Eschew dialect, irregardless.1913.Eschew obfuscation. - Bumper sticker1914.Eschew obfuscation.1915.Eschew obfuscation1916.Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.1917.Eureka1918.EVANS' AND BJORN'S LAW: No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.1919.EVANS' LAW: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem.1920.Even a cabbage may look at a king.1921.Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.1922.Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.1923.Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.1924.Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.1925.Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.1926.Even supervising can be fun you know.1927.Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.1928.Even the dullest candle burns brighter in the dark.1929.Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.1930.Ever have one of those millennia?1931.Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?1932.Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...1933.Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.1934.Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas?

1935.Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?1936.Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.1937.Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.1938.Every cloud engenders not a storm.1939.Every cloud has a silver lining.1940.Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. -1941.Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.1942.Every little BYTE helps1943.Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.1944.Every man has his price. Every price has its man.1945.Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.1946.Every man's work is a portrait of himself.1947.Every person is an individual; we all have a set of designer genes.1948.Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits.1949.Every purchase has its price.1950.Every silver lining has a cloud around it.1951.Every solution breeds new problems.1952.Every why hath a wherefore.1953.Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love1954.Everybody ought to have a friend.1955.Everybody remember where we parked. - Kirk1956.Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.1957.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.1958.Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.1959.Everyone has a scheme that will not work.1960.Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.1961.Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.1962.Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.1963.Everyone is entitled to my opinion.1964.Everyone is entitled to my opinion.1965.Everyone ought to have a maid.1966.Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake.1967.Everyone's so nice to me. What have I done to deserve it?1968.Everything bows to success, even grammar.1969.Everything goes wrong at once.1970.Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later.1971.Everything should be transparent to the user.1972.Everything takes longer than you think it will.1973.Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.1974.Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.1975.Everything you know is wrong1976.Everything's coming up roses.1977.Everything's going my way.1978.Evil Grin #13 <<<<<GRIN>>>>>1979.Evolution is RELIGIOUS because it can't be proven1980.Exam is a four-letter word for torture...1981.Excited, Spock opens a box full of pointy ear tips.1982.Excreto ergo sum.1983.Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here? - Odo1984.Excuse me, while I kiss the sky... - Jimi Hendrix1985.Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize? - Pick up line1986.Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.1987.Exercise caution in your daily affairs.1988.Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays.1989.Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.1990.Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high1991.Experience is directly proportional to computer time wasted.1992.Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones1993.Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.1994.Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.1995.Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

1996.Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want1997.Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.1998.Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.1999.External Security:2000.Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.2001.Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it.2002.Eyeing little girls with bad intent, heh.2003.f opinion that makes horse races.2004.f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.2005.Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.2006.FAHNESTOCK'S RULE: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.2007.Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.2008.Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.2009.Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.2010.Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.2011.False eyelashes - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"2012.Familiarity breeds attempt.2013.Fanatics have their dreams, wherewith they weave a paradise for a sect." - Keats2014.Fancy gizmos don't work.2015.Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.2016.FARMER'S CREDO: Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure.2017.FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY TO THE FIFTH COROLLARY: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.2018.FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.2019.Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?2020.Fasten your seat belt.2021.Fatal mouse error. (B)ury or (R)eplace?2022.Fax me no questions, I'll Fax you no lies2023.FEATURE n. A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. See BUG. A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.2024.Feed your faith and starve your doubts to death.2025.Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down2026.FELDMAN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions.2027.FERGUSON'S PRECEPT: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."2028.FETT'S LAW OF THE LAB: Never replicate a successful experiment.2029.Fewer things are harder to put up with that the annoyance of a good example.2030.Fiddle: Friction of a horse's tail on a cat's entrails.2031.Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.2032.File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...2033.File Not Found. Loading something that looks similar.2034.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)2035.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)2036.FILE NOT FOUND..... Should I fake it? [Y/n].........2037.File Not Found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ake It?2038.Files not found: Delete user instead? (Y/y)?2039.FINAGLE'S FIFTH RULE: Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.2040.FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.2041.FINAGLE'S FIRST RULE: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.2042.FINAGLE'S FOURTH RULE: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.2043.Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.2044.FINAGLE'S SECOND RULE: Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.2045.FINAGLE'S SIXTH RULE: Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.2046.FINAGLE'S THIRD RULE: Always draw your curves first, then plot your data.2047.Fine, Fine...Have your Klingon servent get some chairs

2048.FINMAN'S PRINCIPLE: The one you want is never the one on sale.2049.Fire at Will >ZAP< THANK you Data...I mean, 'Number One'2050.Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of schedule.2051.First draw the curves, then plot the data.2052.FIRST LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.2053.FIRST LAW OF DEBATE: Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.2054.FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL: It always takes longer to get there than to get back.2055.FIRST POSTULATE OF ISO-MURPHISM: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.2056.FIRST RULE OF SUPERIOR INFERIORITY: Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them.2057.First Shalt thou pull out the Holy Pin2058.FISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY: The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.2059.FLAME v. To speak incessantly and/or rabidly on some relatively uninteresting subject or with a patently ridiculous attitude. FLAME ON: v. To continue to flame. See RAVE.2060.Flee at once, all is discovered.2061.FLUGG'S LAW: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.2062.Fly By Nighters often hit tall buildings.2063.Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing2064.Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it.2065.FOO 1. [from the Yiddish 'feh' or Anglo-Saxon 'fooey'] interj. Term of disgust. 2. Name used for temporary programs, or as arbitrary names.2066.Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence2067.Football's a funny game.2068.Football's a game of 90 minutes.2069.For a good time, call (408) 555-1212.2070.For adult education nothing beats children.2071.For at the end of history lies the undiscovered country.2072.For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube.2073.For courage mounteth with occasion.2074.For discussion only. Not to be relied upon.2075.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.2076.For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.2077.For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.2078.For NASA, space is still a high priority. - Vice President Dan Quayle2079.For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.2080.For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers.2081.For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline.2082.For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH2083.Force has no place where there is need of skill.2084.Format all 10? Only 3 fit in the slot.2085.Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop.2086.Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. - Ray Simard2087.fortune: cannot open /lib/games/fortunes2088.Frankly, my dear Charlotte, I don't give a damn.2089.Fraud(n): A telephone number starting with "1-900"2090.Free the Indianapolis 500.2091.Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.2092.Freedom of religion is also freedom FROM religion. . .2093.Friction is a drag.2094.Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.2095.Friends don't let friends use Windoze.2096.Friends don't let friends use XMODEM2097.Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.

2098.Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.2099.Frostbite Falls Minnesota, home of Watsa Matta U.2100.FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY: The mountain looks closer than it is.2101.Fruit flies like a banana.2102.Fudd's First Law: "If you push something hard enough, it will fall over."2103.Function reject.2104.Fungus trellis - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"2105.Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once. - Pick up line2106.FUTILITY LAW: No experiment is a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example.2107.Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.2108.Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs.2109.G=Guns, PG=Plenty of Guns, PG-13=More than 12 guns...2110.Garfle, ni belquont; delberpho wifniel2111.Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.2112.Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art.2113.GATTUSO'S EXTENSION OF MURPHY'S LAW: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.2114.GATTUSO'S EXTENSION: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.2115.Gee Wiz, I didn't know DOS is that stupid2116.Gee, I wonder what this key does.2117.Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. - Pick up line2118.Geneology: chasing your own tale.2119.General Failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist.2120.Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.2121.Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. - Thomas Alva Edison2122.Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.2123.Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ...2124.Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader.2125.Get off my kitchen floor...will ya2126.Get out the Crisco.2127.Get Revenge Live long enough to be a problem for your children2128.Get your grubby hands off my tagline I stole it first2129.Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers.2130.GILLENSON'S LAW OF EXPECTATION: Never get excited over how people look from behind.2131.Gimme a hamburger, with cheese, bacon & onion. Chips and Coke. - Con2132.Gimme, gimme, gimme more donuts.... - Elvis2133.Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.2134.Give a woman an inch and she'll (try to) park a car in it.2135.Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.2136.Give him an evasive answer.2137.Give it to Riker- he'll eat anything2138.Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.2139.Give me all your lupins2140.Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.2141.Give up.2142.Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.2143.GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.2144.Given my druthers, I'd druther not.2145.Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever...2146.Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.2147.GLYME'S FORMULA: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.2148.Go ahead, back up to the RAM disk. I dare you2149.Go away, kid. You bother me.2150.Go away.2151.Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.2152.Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go2153.God does not play dice with the universe.

2154.God does not play dice. - Albert Einstein2155.God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.2156.God has always been hard on the poor.2157.God is Dead -- Nietzsche. Nietzsche is Dead -- God. Nietzsche is God -- The (Grateful) Dead2158.God is not dead He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's2159.God is real, unless declared integer.2160.God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. - Pablo Picasso2161.God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - Alfred Jarry2162.God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.2163.God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.2164.God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board - Mark Twain2165.God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - Kronecker2166.God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.2167.God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.2168.God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. - Albert Einstein2169.God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.2170.God must love the comman man, he made so many of them. - Abraham Lincoln2171.God must love the common man; He made so many of them.2172.God's in his heaven, all's right with the world.2173.GOEBEL'S LAW OF RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC: What speeds up, must slow down. But who says it's ever gonna speed up?2174.Going tagless has been a freeing experience2175.Going the speed of light is bad for your age.2176.Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.2177.Going to fly? Walk, you'll get there faster2178.GOLD'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.2179.Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"2180.Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.2181.GOLFER--Yells "Fore", Takes Five, Writes Down Three.2182.Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - La Rouchefoucauld2183.Good afternoon, Tech Pacific, Tara speaking... - Tara2184.Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.2185.Good day for flying but bad day for landings....2186.Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.2187.Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.2188.Good day to let down old friends who need help.2189.Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the universal amphitheater.2190.Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions.2191.Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.2192.Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.2193.Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.2194.Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.2195.Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a good day.2196.Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.2197.Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.2198.Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.2199.Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.2200.Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - George Saunders' dying words2201.GoodMoaning.2202.GORP [from a type of dried hikers' and bikers food, itself an acronym

for Good Old Raisins and Peanuts] Another metasyntactic variable, like FOO & BAR.2203.Got arrested for going 14400 in a 2400 zone.2204.Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^232205.Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. - Ray Simard2206.Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.2207.Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.2208.Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Personnel Management.2209.Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.2210.Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.2211.Grass is nature's way of saying "high"2212.Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.2213.Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `_n' tasks.2214.Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts2215.Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein2216.Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition, from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein2217.Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.2218.Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.2219.Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.2220.Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.2221.Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.2222.GROSSMAN'S LEMMA: Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.2223.GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.2224.Ground yourself, THEN hug your motherboard2225.Group Photo2226.Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional2227.Guess who's coming to dinner. - Chekov2228.Guest, like fish, begin to smell after three days. - Benjamin Franklin2229.Guinan's secret power: her hat is a solar panel.2230.GUMPERSON'S LAW: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.2231.Guts: putting the name "SYSOP" in your twit filter.2232.H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.2233.HA I kill me2234.Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by anyone, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.2235.Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.2236.Hackers of the world, unite2237.Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.2238.HADLEY'S LAW OF CLOTHING: If you like it, they don't have it in your size.2239.Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra Ra Ra2240.Hailing frequencies open, Captain.2241.Hair barrettes - From "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"2242.Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)2243.HAMILTON'S GLASS CLEANING LAW: The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.2244.Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"2245.HANLON'S RAZOR: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.2246.Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.2247.Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

2248.Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.2249.Happiness is a hard disk.2250.Happiness is a twit filter...2251.Happiness is a warm modem.2252.Happiness is finding special characters ^^^^^2253.Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - Ogden Nash2254.Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.2255.Happiness is your favorite program moving to Windows.2256.Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant2257.Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"2258.Happy days are here again.2259.Happy feast of the pig.2260.Hard where? soft where?2261.Hard work never killed anyone but why take a risk?2262.Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.2263.HARDWARILY adv. In a way pertaining to hardware. "The system is hardwarily unreliable." The adjective 'hardwary' is NOT used. See SOFTWARILY.2264.Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens - From "The Thirteen Clocks"2265.Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. - Tom Leher2266.Harp not on that string.2267.Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.2268.Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.2269.Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.2270.HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.2271.Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.2272.Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.2273.Haste maketh waste.2274.Hat? What hat? That's a helipad for munchkins. - Guinan2275.Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"2276.Have a nice day.2277.Have no friends not equal to yourself.2278.Have the boy sent to the bridge. - Picard2279.Have time to waste? Get Microsoft Windows 3.12280.Have you crashed your Windows today?2281.Have you ever felt that all the world's a stage and you are the only one in the audience?2282.Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?2283.Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?2284.Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? ... Was it the power switch?2285.Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?... Did it answer?2286.Have you heard the one about the rabbi, the goat and Bill Gates?2287.Have you locked your file cabinet?2288.Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?2289.Have you seen Quasimodo? I had a hunch he was back.2290.Have you thanked your SysOp today?2291.Have your girl call my girl, and let's do lunch Thursday. - Yuppy Speak2292.Having children is hereditary: If your parents didn't have any, then you probably won't either.2293.Having nothing, nothing can he lose.2294.Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

2295.HAWKINS' THEORY: Progress consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.2296.HD failure: (A)bort (R)etry (N)egotiate (C)ry2297.He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.2298.He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.2299.He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." - Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"2300.He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - Oscar Wilde2301.He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - Oscar Wilde2302.He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.2303.He hath eaten me out of house and home.2304.He is almost a statesman. He lies well.2305.He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.2306.He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.2307.He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it inspiring the cabbages.2308.He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.2309.He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.2310.He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.2311.He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - John Mason Brown, drama critic2312.He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.2313.He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.2314.He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.2315.He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.2316.He thinks he could easily win your heart.2317.He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp."2318.He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.2319.He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.2320.He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.2321.He went off in a huff. Make that a minute-and-a-huff. - Groucho Marx2322.He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.2323.He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - William S. Paley, chairman of CBS2324.He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.2325.He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.2326.He who dies with the most toys is still dead.2327.He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.2328.He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.2329.He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.2330.He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish $ast.2331.He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.2332.He who hates vices hates mankind.2333.He who hesitates is last.2334.He who hesitates is sometimes saved.2335.He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.2336.He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.2337.He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.2338.He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.2339.He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.2340.He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.2341.He who laughs last is probably your boss.2342.He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.2343.He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.2344.He who Laughs, Lasts.2345.He who laughs, lasts.2346.He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.2347.He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.2348.He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel.2349.He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.2350.He who reads many fortunes gets confused.

2351.He who sits on the pinnacle of power is still sitting on his own backside2352.He who slings mud loses ground.2353.He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.2354.He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.2355.He who throws mud loses ground.2356.He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.2357.He would always rush in where fools fear to tread.2358.He's a wild man. Get out of here.2359.He's alive, Jim. Should I shoot him again?2360.He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?2361.He's dead Jim. You get his tricorder, I'll get his watch2362.He's dead Jim. You take his phaser and I'll get his wallet2363.He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his watch2364.He's dead Jim... Grab his wallet2365.He's DEAD, Jim Go to Sick Bay and get the Maggot Master2366.He's DEAD, Jim. Get his ears. - Spock2367.He's dead, Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me.2368.He's DEAD, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served.2369.He's DEAD, Jim. You get his teeth. - "Bones" McCoy, DDS2370.He's dead, Jim.2371.He's got a magnet Everybody BACKUP2372.He's not dead, Jim, he's just metabolically challenged.2373.He's not the Messiah, he's a very Naughty Boy - Brian's Mum2374.He's still standing in that familiar upright position.2375.He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.2376.He's without doubt the greatest sweeper in the world, I'd say, at a guess.2377.HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. - Walt Kelley2378.Head Cleaner - rotary brillo pad.2379.Head Crash - what your crash helmet is for.2380.Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.2381.Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.2382.Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"2383.Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.2384.Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - Milton Friedman2385.Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.2386.Hell with Pascal and C. I am a QuickBasic Snob.2387.Hell's broken loose.2388.Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.2389.Hello I'm Bounder of Adventure2390.Hello, I am part number 3:^:3:3[3:]3:]332391.Hello, Jane speaking. - Jane2392.Hello.. Incontinence Hotline.. Can you hold?2393.HELLRUNG'S LAW: If you wait, it will go away. (SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION: . . . having done it's damage.)2394.Help I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.2395.Help I'm trapped in a PDP 11/702396.Help I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 4702397.Help I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 5802398.Help a swallow land at Capistrano.2399.Help My computer is holding me prisoner...2400.Help, I'm modeming And I can't hang up2401.Help--I'm being held captive by my modem2402.HELP.. I need a tagline. HELP.. Not just any tagline.2403.Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire2404.Her legs went from here to here... Here smile went from here to here... Her tongue went from here to where?2405.Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.

2406.Here Tag C'mon Tag Good Tag. Good boy2407.Here's looking at you, kid.2408.Hereditary - Opposite of Thereditary2409.HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE: Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't.2410.HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE: The Label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.2411.Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.2412.Hey Your Trakball is upside down2413.Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY - Pick up line2414.Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? - Pick up line2415.Hey baby, let's go make some babies. - Pick up line2416.Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? - Pick up line2417.Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?? - Pick up line2418.Hey baby...infect me - Pick up line2419.Hey Odo, got any more of that Jell-O in the 'fridge?2420.Hey Rocky, watch me pull a tribble out of my hat2421.Hey You can't park there - Mohican to first American settlers.2422.Hey, dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?2423.HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH - James Brown2424.Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's Hand Grenades I throw2425.Hi ho, Hi ho, its off to work we go.2426.Hi I'm a tagline virus Steal me & join in the fun2427.Hi there This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.2428.Hi there I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you? - Pick up line2429.Hi, kids Ed Barbera here2430.Hi. Just called to touch base with you guys. - Dave Parker, Sage Inc.2431.Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."2432.High Level Languages are placed on more experienced computers.2433.High thoughts must have high language. - Aristophanes2434.Hindsight is an exact science.2435.Hippy: a guy who looks like a jill and smells like a john.2436.Hire the morally handicapped.2437.Hire the morally handicapped2438.His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.2439.His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.2440.History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.2441.History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. -2442.History is bunk.2443.History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.2444.History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.2445.Hit the any key? Where's the any key? - DOS user2446.Hiya, Doc What's cookin'? - Data2447.Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.2448.Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.2449.HOFFER'S LAW: When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.2450.HOFFSTEDT'S EMPLOYMENT PRINCIPLE: Confusion creates jobs.2451.Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.2452.Hold on - wait, maybe the answer's looking for you.2453.Hold on- wait, maybe the answer's looking for you.2454.Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. - Rex Reed2455.Homer Marge Bart Lisa Baby Maggie - THE SIMPSONS2456.Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. - Mahatma Gandhi

2457.Honesty and service.2458.Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - F. M. Hubbard2459.Honesty's the best policy.2460.Honi soit la vache qui rit.2461.Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."2462.Honk if you love obscene gestures.2463.Honk if you love peace and quiet. - Bumper Sticker2464.Honor would be better served if I were your mate. - Worf2465.Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"2466.Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.2467.Hope is a waking dream.2468.Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.2469.Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.2470.Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W. C. Fields2471.Houdini escaping from New Jersey2472.Housework can kill you if done right.2473.How about a little fire, scarecrow?2474.How apt the poor are to be proud.2475.How can I love you if you won't lie down?2476.How can you be deaf with ears like that? - McCoy2477.How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?2478.How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?2479.How can you work when the system's so crowded?2480.How come all the buttons keep flying off my shirt?2481.How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?2482.How come we never talk anymore?2483.How come wrong numbers are never busy?2484.How could I have downloaded a virus?? It said NO CARRIER2485.How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?2486.How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide2487.How do I set my phaser to tickle?2488.How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - Elliot, "E.T."2489.How do you keep a turkey in suspense?2490.How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder.2491.How high I am / How much I see / How far I reach / Depends on me2492.How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.2493.How many "coming people" has one known Where on earth do they all go to?2494.How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software."2495.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to claim it is an ex light bulb, it is no more.2496.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One another to claim he didn't want to change it anyway, he always wanted to be a lumberjack.2497.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to ask for a licence for his pet bulb, Eric2498.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to summarise Proust.2499.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to say that in his day, they had it tough2500.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to get nailed to the light socket.2501.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb? One to ask for a new bulb with no spam in it...2502.How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a light bulb?2503.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand2504.How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual."

2505.How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out."2506.How many weeks are there in a light year?2507.How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.2508.How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?2509.How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey2510.How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?2511.How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.2512.How to defend yourself against a Banana.2513.How untasteful can you get?2514.How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.2515.How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.2516.How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.2517.How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.2518.How you look depends on where you go.2519.How'm I flyin'? Dial 1-800-BORG-YOU. - Borg2520.How's this for diplomacy? Shoot them all - Kirk2521.HOWE'S LAW: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.2522.Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.2523.However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. - Tom K. Ryan2524.Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.2525.Human Intelligence. The greatest oxymoron ever2526.Humans are unreliable, inefficient, often lazy, sometimes pregnant, liable to strike, need to be fed and paid, take up a lot of space and are slow by computer standards.2527.Humans: The species that should have never been...2528.Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.2529.Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.2530.I *almost* stole a tagline I'm so ashamed2531.I ain't got time to bleed. - Jesse Ventura2532.I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.2533.I am a man--nothing human is alien to me.2534.I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. - Terrence2535.I am afraid t> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

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