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It’s not you, it’s me (1st ed. - 06.23.10) - itsnotyouitsme7jpCopyright © 2010 Don Zolidis
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4
Cast of Characters
Those who are about to be dumped:
JaCKJIMTODDMaRKJaMeS
CaTHeRINeMaZIeaNGela
Those who are doing the dumping:
JaCOBJOHNTHOMaSSaMlUKe
ellIeSaRaHaSHleyGaBRIellaTORIJeNNySeRVeR
Character Notes
There are numerous ways to cast this show. One way would betohaveall themalecharactersbeingdumpedbe thecharacterofJaCKandallthefemalecharactersbeingdumpedbethecharacterofCaTHeRINe,whichwouldleadtoanidealcastof6M,7Fandoneeither.
Itwouldevenbepossibletohavethepeopledoingthedumpingbeplayedbythesameactordoingextremelyquickcostumechanges.Thatwouldleadtoacastof2Males2Femalesandoneeither.
anynumberbetween5and20actorswouldwork.
5
Setting
Onesetoflocationsisinarestaurant.Itshouldbeverysimple.Onetableandtwochairswillsuffice.asecondlocationisalivingroomarea—again, simplicity is best here.a couch andmaybe a comfychairwillwork.Thethirdlocationisanoutdoorcafé.again,atableandchairsisallthatisnecessary.
Thestageisdividedintothreeareas.One,arestaurant,two,alivingroom,andthree,anoutdoorcafé.Thescenescyclebetweenthethree.
Acknowledgments
It’s not you, it’s mewasfirstproducedatNorthOaksMiddleSchoolonapril17,2010.Theoriginalcastwasasfollows:
JaCK. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DerekBranchJIM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BryceConklinTODD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DerekBranchMaRK. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MatthewRodriguezJaMeS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DerekBranch
CaTHeRINe. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ChristieBlayMaZIe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .MeghanwhiteaNGela . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ChristieBlayTeRRI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ChristieBlay
JaCOB. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . williamSwansonJOHN. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .aaronSifuentesTHOMaS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .aaronSifuentesSaM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MatthewRodriguezlUKe. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . JohnShipka
ellIe. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . allyRaineySaRaH. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CheyenneeddinsaSHley. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . JamieBrissonGaBRIella. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . RebekkahSandovalTORI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . KiannaKellyJeNNy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ahlaizhaBrown
SeRVeR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Valeriewilson
7
It’s not you, It’s meby Don Zolidis
Scene 1
(Lights up on the restaurant. Cheesy music plays [something like “My heart will go on” by Celine Dion]. JaCK is grooving out to it. He mouths the words. Then sings quietly at first. Then he sings a little louder. He begins slow hand movements like he’s conducting it. ellIe stares at him.)
ELLIE.CanItalktoyouforasecond?JACK.Holdon. (Driven by the music, JaCK stands up, still conducting and singing louder now.)ELLIE.Thisisreallyagreatsong.
(JaCK launches into his big finish. Exhausted and spent, he sits.)JACK.wow.wow.ELLIE.Iknow.JACK.wow.That’saspecialsong.Oursong.ELLIE.yeah,it’ssomethingallright.JACK.youknowthishasreallybeenthebestrelationshipI’veeverhad.ELLIE.Really?JACK.yeah.ELLIE.youdon’tdatemuch,doyou?JACK.Iactuallydatequiteabit.ELLIE.That’ssurprising.JACK.Iknow,right!ButIguessIhaveakindofmagnetismaboutme.That’swhattheysay,anyway.ELLIE.whosays?JACK.Myex-girlfriend.Girlfriends.Ireallyshouldn’tbemention-ingthem.That’sbadform.ELLIE.yeah.Idon’ttalkaboutmyex-boyfriends.I’mverycarefulnottomentionmyex-boyfriendsbecausethatwouldberude.JACK.Right.ELLIE.eventheonethatplaysintheNFl.Idon’tevermentionhim.Idon’twantyoutofeelbad.
8 DonZolidis
JACK.yeah.Knowingthatyoudatedaprofootballplayerwouldprobablymakemefeelprettybad.ELLIE.(Taking out a picture:)youwanttoseeapictureofhim?JACK.No.I’mcoolwithnotknowingwhathelookslike.ELLIE.Good.
(ellIe looks at the picture, sighs dreamily, and puts it away.)JACK.Butyouknowwhat’s funny?everysingle relationship I’veeverbeeninI’vegottendumped.ImeanjustonceI’dliketobethepersondoingthedumping,youknow?I’mactuallykindofanex-pertingettingdumped.ELLIE.Really?Howdoesithappen?JACK.Okay,sofirstthingistheytakeyououtsomeplaceinpublic.likearestaurant.
(The SeRVeR enters with a pitcher of water.)SERVER.Morewater?ELLIE.Nothanks.JACK.youcan’tdumpsomeonebeforedinnerand theneat it, sotheywaituntilafterthedinner.SERVER.anyonehaveroomfordessert?ELLIE.I’mstuffed.
(The SeRVeR leaves.)JACK.Thenthere’susuallyamomentwheretheysneakilytrytogetbackeverythingyouborrowedfromthem.ELLIE.Thatremindsme.CanIhavemyiPodback?JACK.Ohsure.
(JaCK hands over an iPod.)andsometimes,ifthey’rereallybeingtricky,theymighttrytobor-rowsomething—ELLIE. actually, you knowwhat?Did youwant your leather jacketback?JACK.Noyoulookgreatinit.ELLIE.Iknow.allmyguyfriendssayso.JACK.andthenyouhave“thetalk.”ELLIE.whathappensinthetalk?
It’s not you, it’s me 9
JACK.Basicallytheycomeupwithsomeexcusewheretheytrytosparemyfeelings.ELLIE.Huh.JACK.alwayshappens.ELLIE.youknow…ThereissomethingIwantedtotalktoyouabout.JACK.Righthereintherestaurant?ELLIE.Thisseemslikeaniceplace.JACK.whatisitum…youwant…totalk…about?ELLIE.whoareyougoingtovoteforinthenextelection?JACK.Noidea.That’swhatyouwerethinkingabout?ELLIE.yeah.and…JACK.…yeah?ELLIE.Ithinkweneedtostopseeingeachother.JACK.what?ELLIE.It’snotyou.It’sme.
(Short pause.)Butthanksforbeingsounderstanding.
(Lights shift.)
Scene 2
(Lights up on the living room area.)(CaTHeRINe and JaCOB are sitting on the couch, next to each other.)
CATHERINE.IfeelsosafewhenI’mwithyou.Don’tyou?JACOB.Iguessyeahsure.CATHERINE.There’ssomethingaboutyouthat’sjustsocalming.I’musuallyaprettynervousperson,butyou’relike…you’rejustsosolid,youknow?JACOB.Uhhuh.CATHERINE.Maybe I’m insecure. I’m always thinking that anyguy isgoing tobreakupwithmeat any time. Imean, that’s justcrazytalkright?Right?JACOB.Huh?
10 DonZolidis
CATHERINE.That’smebeingcrazy.JACOB.aboutwhat?CATHERINE.worrying aboutgettingdumped. It’s crazy formetoworryaboutgettingdumped.especiallysinceI’mwithyounowandyou’resocalmandconsiderate…andjust—you’relikeagiantteddybear.Inamanlyway.you’reamanlyteddybear.JACOB.Huh.CATHERINE. and I can talk to you. That’s another great thingaboutyou.you’resuchagreatlistener.JACOB.youwannawatchSportscenter?CATHERINE.Sure.IlovewatchingyouwatchSportscenter.
(JaCOB has the remote control. Sportscenter plays quietly in the background. CaTHeRINe snuggles in.)
whatdoyoulikethemostaboutme?JACOB.Huh?CATHERINE.IsaidwhatIlikedaboutyou.whatdoyoulikeaboutme?
(JaCOB stares at the television.)you’resothoughtful.That’sanotherthingIlikeaboutyou.youreallytakeyourtimeandthinkaboutitbeforeyouansweraquestion.Mostother guys would saymy eyes. I think that’s the pretty standardresponse,don’tyou?Butyouwouldn’tsaythatbecauseyou’rereallygivingthissomethought.
(JaCOB stares at the television.)So…whatdoyoulikeaboutme?JACOB.youreyesIguess.CATHERINE.Ilikeyoureyestoo.JACOB.what?CATHERINE.IsaidIlikeyoureyes.Um…CanIaskyousomethingreallyreallyimportant?JACOB.Uhhuhsure.CATHERINE.Ineedyourundividedattention.JACOB.I’mwaitingforthehighlights.CATHERINE.CanyouturnofftheT.V.forasecond?JACOB.Holdon.CATHERINE.Thisisimportant,Jacob.
It’s not you, it’s me 11
JACOB.Iknow.Ihavetofindoutifmyteamwon.CATHERINE.NoImeanit’saboutus.JACOB.Icanlistenandwatchatthesametime.CATHERINE.Noyoucan’t.Justlistenforasecond.JACOB.Iamlistening.CATHERINE.Noyou’rewatchingSportscenter.JACOB.I’mwatchingSportscenterandlisteningtoyouatthesametime.
(CaTHeRINe swipes the remote control and turns off the T.V.)Hey!CATHERINE.Justlistentomeandyoucanhavetheremotecontrolback.SomethingsaremoreimportantthanSportscenter,okay?andoneofthosethings—JACOB.we’rebreakingup.CATHERINE.wHaT?!JACOB.look,Ican’tbethatguy.CATHERINE.whatguy?JACOB.TheguywhoturnsoffSportscentertolistentosomechicktalk.Ican’tdoit.CATHERINE.Iamyourgirlfriend!JACOB.Notanymoreyou’renot.CATHERINE.Thisisridiculous!JACOB.Thishasnothingtodowithyou,allright?It’sallaboutme.andIrealized,justsittinghere,thatyou’regoingtobedemandingall this stuff frommemywhole life, it startsoutwithnotwatch-ingSportscenterandthenitmovesontocleaningstuffaroundthehouseandtakingyououttodinner,andthenbeforeyouknowit,theplayoffsaregonnabeon,andyou’regonnatakethatmomentto“talk”tome.andthenwhat’sgonnahappen?you’regonnalike…turnofftheplayoffs.youunderstandthat?youarethekindofper-sonwhowouldturnofftheplayoffsandI’mthekindofpersonwhodoesn’teverwantthattohappen.So…Seeya.CATHERINE.Fine!
(She storms off.)JACOB.where’smyremote?
(Lights shift to the restaurant.)
12 DonZolidis
Scene 3
JIM.whatareyoutalkingabout?SARAH.I’msorry.JIM.Butweweresogoodtogether.SARAH.wewere prettygoodtogether.JIM.wellthatstillhasthewordgoodinit.SARAH.yeahbutit’smodifiedbythewordpretty.JIM.Prettyisgood.SARAH.Prettyisnotgood.Prettyismediumgood.JIM.wecanworkonthat.Sowe’vegotaBrelationship,we’vehadsomelaughs—SARAH.we’vehadafewlaughs.you’reonlymoderatelyfunny.JIM.Icanbefunnier!SARAH.No.IthinkI’veseenyourbestmaterial.look,second-bestisnotgoodenoughforme,okay?It’sallornothing.Carpediem.Thewholenineyards.JIM.wecanbebetter.SARAH.letmeshowyousomething.
(She hands him a newspaper.)Seethis?JIM.whatisit?SARAH.It’stheschoolnewspaper.wakeupforonce.JIM.Idon’treadthis.SARAH.Iknow.Ido.lookatpagesix.Cutestcoupleintheclass.Seethat?whoarethosepeople?JIM.KayleeandPreston?SARAH.KayleeandPreston.JIM.So?SARAH.KayleeandPrestonarethecutestcouple?JIM.Theyareprettycute.Imean,youknow,verycute.She’scute.Idon’t—Idon’tlookatguys.SARAH.Icanassureyouthatheisalsocute.JIM.So?
It’s not you, it’s me 13
SARAH.whyaren’tweonthispage?JIM.Um…SARAH.Becausewe’rethesecond-bestcouple,that’swhy.They’rebetterthanus.youunderstandthat?They’rebeatingus.JIM.They’rebeatingusatwhat?SARAH.atbeingacouple.JIM.Howdoyoubeatsomeoneatbeingacouple?SARAH.It’seasy.Notonlyaretheyverycute,rememberthattimePrestongaveherathree-foottallteddybearonValentine’sDay?JIM.yeah.
(SaRaH takes out a two-foot tall teddy bear.)SARAH.Howbigisthisone?JIM.Idon’tknow.SARAH.Howtallisthisbear?!JIM.It’s,Idon’tknow,twofeet.SARAH.22inchestall.22measlytinypatheticlittleinches.Okay?Here’swhatIthinkofthismidgetbear.
(She tosses it away violently.)JIM.Hey!Iboughtthatwithmyownmoney!SARAH.andwhat about the timePreston got that karaokema-chineandsangIwillalwaysloveyou?Howromanticwasthat?!JIM.Itwas—SARAH. Itwasa lot romantic, that’swhat! Itwasa lot romantic!whenwasthelasttimeyousangmeasong?JIM.Isangyouthatonesong.SARAH.FatBottomGirlsdoesnotcount!JIM.wellIsangit!SARAH.anddoyouknowwhatelse?!KayleereallylovesPreston,youknowthat?Forhisbirthdayshegothimalimitededition,signedjerseyfromlebronJames!andwhatdidIgetyouforyourbirthday?JIM.youdidn’tgetmeanything.SARAH.Iknowthat!See?JIM.Iwouldhavelikedajersey.
14 DonZolidis
SARAH.Iwouldhavelikedtohavebeenthebestcouple.Butclearlywe’renot.SoI’mmovingon.I’mgoingtofindaguythatlovesmeformeandstillhasthemoneytobuymeexpensivethingsandsingsongsinpublic.JIM.ButyouknowthatKayleeandPrestonbrokeupright?SARAH.Theydid?JIM.yeah.Itwasreallyugly.SARAH.wow.JIM.Sothey’renotthecutestcoupleanymore.SARAH.Huh.JIM.we’veprobablymovedupintherankings.SARAH.Doyouthinkwe’renumberone?JIM.IhearTashaandwillareprettyhighlyregarded.SARAH.Igottago.JIM.Butwait—SARAH.lookum—Preston’snotgonnabesingleforlong.
(Lights down.)(Lights up on the outdoor café.)
Scene 4
MAZIE. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(MaZIe hyperventilates, cries, sobs, throws things, has a fit.)Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!wHy?!?!!?wHy?!!!
(She stops to drink some water, then continues.)you’vemurderedmyheart!you’veassassinatedmylove,youmur-derous thug! Iwas thebest thing thateverhappenedtoyou!TheBeST!Intheentireworld!!!FortherestofyourlifeyouwillRUethisdayandyouwillCRyandsaywhydidIdothat?!wHy?!whatwaswrongwithme?!!!why?!!JOHN.Doyouknowwanttoknowwhy?MAZIE.yes!JOHN.areyousure?
It’s not you, it’s me 15
MAZIE.yes.JOHN.Idon’twanttogettooinvolvedemotionally.
(Lights down.)(Lights up on the living room.)
Scene 5
TODD.Idon’tbelieveit.ASHLEY.I’vehadahardtimewithitmyself.TODD.Ithoughtthingsweregoingwell.ASHLEY.Theywere.TODD.werethey?ASHLEY.No.TODD.Oh.ASHLEY.Don’tfeelbad.It’snotyourfault.yousee—IrealizedthatI have aproblemand I’mgoing toget the treatment I need.andmaybe,insixtotenweeks,withtherightguidanceandalittleluck,wecantrydatingagain.TODD.Really?ASHLEY.No.TODD.Oh.ASHLEY.Ilied.That’smyproblem.I’maliar.Ilieallthetime.TODD.youdon’tlieallthetime.ASHLEY.you’reright.Iliedjustthen.TODD.aboutbeingaliar?ASHLEY.That’sright.TODD.you’renotaliar?ASHLEY.Nope.TODD.wow,I—ASHLEY.Ididitagain!Ijustliedtoyou!Iamaliar!TODD.HowdoIknowthat?ASHLEY.Rememberwhen I said I couldn’t goout todinner lastnightbecausemydogstartedtotalkandIdidn’twanttomissit?
16 DonZolidis
TODD.yeah?ASHLEY.Thatwasalie.TODD.Noway!ASHLEY.Idon’thaveadog.TODD.yesyoudo.ASHLEY.See!Ijustliedagain!TODD.Doeshetalk?ASHLEY.absolutely.TODD.wasthataliejustthen?ASHLEY.See?Nowyou’recatchingon!DoyouseewhyIneedhelp?TODD.yeah.ASHLEY.Noyoudon’tyou’reacompletemoron!TODD.you’relyingagain!
(She chuckles.)ASHLEY.Nothatwasthetruth.TODD.waitaminute—whataboutall thatstuffabouthowyourMomwasbeinghuntedbythemobandthat’swhyyoucouldn’tgotothedance?ASHLEY.Thatwasthetruth.TODD.Itwas?ASHLEY.No!MyMomsellsTupperwareforaliving!whywouldthemobtrytobumpheroff?TODD.you’reright.ASHLEY.I’mlyingagain!Ofcoursethemobistryingtokillher.Sheworksasahitmanpart-time.TODD.IalwaysthoughtyourMomwasalittlestrange.ASHLEY.That’sbecauseshe’sacold-bloodedassassin.TODD.Isthattrue?ASHLEY.No.TODD.Thisisreallyconfusing.andwaitaminute—Isyourbroth-erreallyanastronaut?ASHLEY.Idon’tevenhaveabrother!TODD.wow.
It’s not you, it’s me 17
ASHLEY.Iknow.TODD.Ican’tbelieveIbelievedthat.ASHLEY.NeithercanI!TODD.wellI’mgladthisisfinallyoutintheopen.ASHLEY.Metoo.TODD.Heylook—Icanacceptyouasagreatbigliar.ASHLEY.Really?TODD.Sure.Imean—nowthatIknow,IthinkI’mcoolwithit.ASHLEY.wow.TODD.Sodoyouthinkwecanstillgoout?ASHLEY.yes.TODD.Really?ASHLEY.NoI’mlying.
(Lights down.)(Lights up on the restaurant.)
Scene 6
ANGELA.whatdoyoumeanit’snotme?THOMAS.That’sright.ANGELA.It’snothingIdid?THOMAS.Nope.ANGELA.It’sallaboutyou.THOMAS.yep.ANGELA.what’swrongwithyou?THOMAS.Ican’ttellyouthat.ANGELA.you’rebreakingupwithmeforareasonyoucan’ttellmeabout?THOMAS.I’mgladyouunderstand.ANGELA.Idon’tunderstand.THOMAS.That’sokaytoo.ANGELA.Noit’snot!
18 DonZolidis
THOMAS.Ihavetobegoing.ANGELA.wait!THOMAS.listentome,andlistencarefully:youneedtoforgetyouever knewme, youunderstand? I never existed.we, as a couple,neverexisted.Tearupyourphotos,deletemynumberfromyourcellphone,eatthoselittlecandyheartsIgaveyou—ANGELA.Ialreadydid.THOMAS.Good.Throwawaythewrappers.ANGELA.Iwassavingthem.THOMAS.Destroythem.assoonasIleavethisrestaurant.Noonemustknowwedated.ANGELA.why?THOMAS.Icouldtellyou.ButthenI’dhavetokillyou.Goodbye.
(He gets up to leave.)Bytheway,you’regoingtoneedtopayforthedinner.Makesureyoutipthewaiterwell.Hedidagoodjobandfilledupmywatertwicewithoutmehavingtoask.Ilikethat.ANGELA.whereareyougoing?THOMAS.Ican’ttellyou.ANGELA.Isitdangerousthere?THOMAS.Very.ANGELA.areyousomekindofspy??THOMAS.Shhhhhhh!Saynothing.
(He pulls her close.)If youmust know, I’m an agent of the Canadian government. ablackmounty.ANGELA.ablackmounty?THOMAS.Shhhhh!you’regoingtogetusallkilled.Idon’texist.Thisprogramdoesnotexist.Nowforgetme.
(He jumps out the window.)*(*If you don’t have a window, he can leap off-stage.)
ANGELA.wow.(Pause.)(She turns away. THOMaS pops up again in the window.)
It’s not you, it’s me 19
THOMAS.Psst!ANGELA.you’reback!Ithoughtwewerenevergoingto—THOMAS.Shhhh!listentomeverycarefully.Don’tspeak.Nodifyouunderstandme.
(aNGela nods.)Iseemtohaveleftmywalletonmychair.Doyouseeit?
(aNGela shakes her head.)Getup slowly andwalk to the other side of the table.Don’t looksuspicious.
(aNGela looks suspicious.)Isaiddon’tlooksuspicious!
(aNGela looks very fakily unsuspicious.)Doyouseethewallet?ANGELA.whatdoesitlooklike?THOMAS.Itlookslikeawallet!Don’tspeak!
(Short pause.)IthasHelloKittyonit.ANGELA.Ohhereitis.
(She picks up a wallet.)THOMAS.Shhh!Now,withoutopeningit,Iwantyoutotossitoutthewindow.
(aNGela looks at it.)Stop.Don’t—ANGELA.whydoyouhaveaNebraskadriver’slicense?THOMAS.Mycover.Nowifyou—ANGELA.yournameisBarry?THOMAS.wellit’sum—I’vebeenshot!
(He falls over.)They’vegotme—agentsfromlichtensteinareclosingin—they’re…They’reverysmallyoucan’tseethemandum…CanIhavemywal-letbackplease?
(Lights change.)(Lights up on the outdoor café.)
20 DonZolidis
Scene 7
MARK.CanIjusttellyousomething?GABRIELLA.Goahead.MARK.youareabsolutelyperfect.GABRIELLA.I’mreallynot.MARK.NoImeanit—youare…like…you’reamazing,you’refun-ny,you’resmart,you’reincrediblygorgeous.Iamtheluckiestguyintheworld.GABRIELLA.Huh.MARK.what’sonyourmind?GABRIELLA.well…let’stalk.MARK.Okay.GABRIELLA.Thisishardformetosay.MARK.Goahead.Iloveourabilitytocommunicate.GABRIELLA.Metoo.MARK. That’smy favorite part of our amazing relationship: thecommunication.andyoursheerawesomeness.GABRIELLA.Huh.MARK.Checkitout:Ijustgotyournametattooedonmyback.
(He turns around and lifts up his shirt.)GABRIELLA.wow.That’smywholename.MARK.GabriellaMariaConchitaConsuelaRodriguez.Ittookthemsevenhourstodothat.GABRIELLA.Overyourentireback.MARK.Don’ttouchit.It’sstillprettyraw.Ungodlypainful.Icriedfor three days. But itwasworth it. Because I know—our love—isundying.Itwilllastaslongasthesun,longereven,because—GABRIELLA.That’sareallylongtime.MARK.Iknow.andyouknowwhatelse?GABRIELLA.youknowIreallydoneedtotalktoyou.MARK.youknowhowyou’reallergic todogs? Igot ridofmine.Soldhim.Fortenbucks.GABRIELLA.yousoldBuddy?
It’s not you, it’s me 21
MARK.Mybestfriendsincetheageoften?Theanimalthatmeansmoretomethananythingelseinthewholeentireworld?exceptforyou,ofcourse.SoIfoundastrangerwholookedlikeheneededadogandjustunloaded’em.youknow,theysaydogscan’tcry,butthereweredefinitelytearsinhiseyes.That’sokaythough.Because—GABRIELLA.I’vebeendoingsomethinking.MARK.Iloveit.GABRIELLA.I’vebeenthinkingaboutus.MARK.Doubleloveit.GABRIELLA.andIthink—canIbehonestwithyou?MARK.Please.Iadoreyourhonesty.GABRIELLA.youknowhowwe’veonlybeendatingfortwoweeks?MARK.Themostamazingtwoweeksofmyentirelife.exceptforthe threedays of crying after thatmassive tattoo, but other thanthat,themostperfecttwoweeksever.GABRIELLA.Ithinkweshouldbreakup.
(MaRK just stares.)It’snot…Um…It’snotyou.
(MaRK just stares.)It’sum…It’sme?Ican’tacceptlove.I’mweirdthatway.
(MaRK just stares.)I’msureyou’llfindanothergirlnamedGabriellaConchitaConsuelaMariaRodriguez.
(Lights down.)(Lights up on the restaurant.)
Scene 8
(SaM and CaTHeRINe have salad. They eat calmly.)(Long pause.)
SAM.I’mthinkingofbecomingawoman.*(*If this line would create an uproar, it may be replaced with “I’m thinking of becoming a mermaid.” Although that’s not as funny.)(Lights down.)(Lights up on the living room.)
22 DonZolidis
Scene 9
JAMES.Isee.TORI.you’rebothered.JAMES.alittlebit.Ithoughtweweredoingwell.TORI.Iknowthatyouthoughtthat.I’mpsychic.JAMES.Ididn’tknowyouwerepsychic.TORI.Myastrologertoldme.Shewasveryclearaboutit.Ihavetheabilitytoseethefuture.JAMES.andthat’swhyyou’redumpingme?TORI.yes.Imean,look,you’reokayrightnow—JAMES.Okay?TORI. you’re an average guy. you’re a little smart—you’re kindagood-looking,you’resortafunny.JAMES.IthoughtIwasaboveaverage.TORI.Noyou’reprettyaverage.Butthat’sokay.I’mprettyaveragetoo.JAMES.Nonoyou’reverymuchaboveaverage.TORI.let’snotlie,okay?we’reagoodmatchrightnow.JAMES.Rightnow?TORI.Thefuture—notsomuch.JAMES.what’sgoingtohappen?TORI.I’mgoingtobecomealotmoreattractive.JAMES.Really?TORI.Ohyes.It’sgoingtobeanamazingtransformation.Infact,I’mgoingtobecomeamodel.Noonewillseeitcoming.JAMES.whataboutme?TORI.well,afewunpleasantgenesaregoingtokickin.Firstthere’sthemalepatternbaldness.you’llholdonforafewyears,you’llfoolyourselfabit,butreally,yourhairlineisdoomed.you’lldevelopabaldspot,andthenallthatwillbeleftofyourhairisasmalllinejustabovetheears.andthenthere’sthemiddle-ageweightgain.you’llgetflabbyatfirst,andthenyou’llreallygotoseed,you’regoingtobeshoppingattheBigandTallstore—nottomentiontheearhair—JAMES.earhair?!TORI.Ohyeah.Totallydisgusting.andBackacne.
It’s not you, it’s me 23
JAMES.ewwww.TORI.Iknow.Butthat’sreallyonlythebeginning.afterdroppingoutof college theonly jobyou’llbeable toget isworking for thelocalgasstation,whichwillbeallrightforafewyearsuntilyou’rediscoveredtobestealingSnickersbarswhichwillgetyoufired,andthenyou’ll have tomoveback inwith yourMom.and trustme,that’snotgoing toworkoutwell.let’s just say thatyourattempttoholdupabankdresseduplikeKermittheFrogwillgohorriblywrongandsoonyou’llbesharingasmallcellwithahugehairyguynamedMadDog.Sothat’swhyweneedtobreakup.JAMES.Oh.TORI.Nohardfeelingsthough,okay?JAMES.yeah.TORI. If itmakesyoufeelanybetter,you’ll really turn itaroundafteryourthirdyearinprison.
(Lights shift.)
Scene 10
(Lights up on lUKe and CaTHeRINe in the outdoor café. lUKe has a guitar and plays one chord. He’s groovy.)
CATHERINE.Thatwasgreat.LUKE.yeah?CATHERINE.NoImeanIreallyfeltsomethingthere.LUKE.Fantastic.CATHERINE.Didyouwritethatsongforme?LUKE.No.listen:haveIevertoldyouthatyouareonegroovychick?CATHERINE.NoIhaven’theardthatinawhile.LUKE.youare.you’vereallygotalotofspirit.It’ssilver.CATHERINE.Myspiritissilver?LUKE.yeah.whichisaproblem.CATHERINE.Itis?LUKE.Myspiritisgold.youunderstand?CATHERINE.whatareyousaying?LUKE.It’snotyou—CATHERINE.Ohcomeon.
24 DonZolidis
LUKE.It’sme.CATHERINE.youknowwhat,Ihaveheardthatbeforeand—LUKE.I’mrenouncingallhumanemotionandmovingtoTibettobecomeamonk.CATHERINE.youdon’thavetolietome.LUKE.Iwouldn’texpectasilverspirittounderstandthesethings,butI’mseekingadeepermysticalconnectiontomymusic—onethatIcan’tfindhereinthewest.Orwithagirlfriendlikeyou.CATHERINE.youknowwhatI’mrenouncingallhumanemotiontoo.LUKE.you’rejustsayingthat.CATHERINE.I’llshavemyheadrightnow.watchme.LUKE.Thisisreallyjuvenile.CATHERINE.I’mtotallymovingtoTibet.I’llbeinthemonasteryrightnextdoorandI’mgonnabereincarnatedlikethreetimesbe-foreyouevendoitonce.LUKE.Please.youaretetheredtothematerialworld.Iamnolongerinthethrallofmymaterialpossessions.CATHERINE.youaren’t?LUKE.No.CATHERINE.Fine.
(She takes his guitar.)LUKE.Haha.Comeon.CATHERINE.I’mgonnabreakthis.LUKE.Noyou’renot.CATHERINE.Iamsosickofbeingdumped,youunderstand?I’mgonnaputaholeinyourstupidguitar.
(She realizes there’s already a hole in the guitar.)anotherone.LUKE.Givemetheguitar.CATHERINE.Tellmewhyyou’rereallydumpingme.Tellmewhat’swrongwithme.LUKE.Itoldyou—CATHERINE.whatiswrongwithme?!
It’s not you, it’s me 25
LUKE.youstealstuffforone.CATHERINE.No—LUKE.Fine!youwannaknow!?youdon’tletmewatchSportscenter.
(Lights change to the restaurant.)
Scene 10
(JeNNy and JaCK are at the table. They have water glasses.)JENNY.It’snotyou.It’sme.JACK.I’veheardthatsomanytimes.Ithinkyou’rejustsayingthattosparemyfeelings.JENNY.NoI’mnot.Itreallyisonlyaboutme.JACK.actually,youknowwhat?Ithinkit’sme.JENNY.NoI’mprettysureit’sme.JACK.I’mnotaverygoodboyfriend.JENNY.you’reagreatboyfriend.JACK.I’mterrible.JENNY.Noyou’reawonderfulboyfriend.I’msimplyunabletoac-ceptyourwonderfulnessgivenmycurrentstate.JACK.Ihavebeenslime.Iambeneathslime.JENNY.Honestly,you’reterrific.I’mtheproblem.JACK.Ishouldhavebeenmoreconsiderateofyou—JENNY.I’mreallytheonewho’sbeeninconsideratehere—JACK.Ishouldhavelistenedmore.whydidn’tIlistentoyou?JENNY.RememberthattimeIforgotyourbirthday?Thatwasawful.JACK.Ican’tevenrememberwhatyousayhalfthattime.JENNY. Ineversayanything importantanyway. I justgoonandon—you’dbecrazytolistentome.JACK.SometimesIdon’tevenrememberyourname.JENNY.youshoulddatesomebodywithamorememorablename.Imean,whatismyname,anyway?Jenny?who’sgoingtorememberthat?JACK.Idon’tevenshower.
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