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Issue 51 | June 2016 | 4 Pages | For free circulation only

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From the Editor

A f t e r t h e 4 t h B i r t h d a y celebrations it is time we got back to the normal production of our newsletter. We were g r a t e f u l f o r t h e m a n y messages of congratulations and encouragement we received from FEMNET's wide readership. They help to make all our efforts a worthwhile endeavor.

In this issue we are really spoilt for choice. We start off with an article which could be readily s u b - t i t l e d ' G r e a t Expectations'. It deals with the issue of educational choices both from the perspective of the parents and the children. Some o f t he s ta t i s t i c s , part icular ly of chi ldren's suicides, are really shocking.

We have a new slant on what happens when we set about difficult needs for our parents to cope with. As the author puts it: “All parents share this with your children”. A salutary lesson! We explore new encouraging developments in the field of Human Resources and see how industry and private sector companies are coming to terms with a most neg lec ted a rea o f the i r operations.

Intriguing is the only word that comes to mind when dealing with the proposition of treating a 'Story' as a 'Prayer'. It reminds us that singing hymns is also a form of prayer. Read on and believe!

The Editorial Team

Sr. Thecla Pereira (Goa, India)

HELP WITH YOUR CHILDREN

INDEX

Help with Your Children

In His Shoes

Tata Sons Revamps Policies for Women

Love You; Love You Not

Story as Prayer

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level entrance exam for engineering. Kota, which boasts of 40 such coaching institutes, where some 150,000 students take admission every year, witnessed 30 student suicides last year

It is observed that the coaching centres these days place too much pressure on students to

perform because the schools want good results in order to attract more children. Apa r t f r om t h i s , t h e c oun t r y ' s

"examination boards too continue to burden students with an extremely loaded curriculum."

Stressing that the child's interest should be given prime importance, parents need to be counselled and convinced to allow their children to follow their heart. "Counselling should start at the school

level itself where the teachers get in discussion with the parents during regular meetings so that children can grow in a healthy and stress-free environment,” Parents try to satisfy their ego by making

their children feel the pressure of excelling in their studies.

And yet giving them no option to experience their understanding of how, even if they do not do well, they

will be loved and accepted.

So as we await the r e s u l t s o f o u r

children, may we have the courage and the conf idence to a c c e p t e v e n

failure believing that their own lives

are bigger and more important. No child should ever feel there is

We are starting a new academic year. Many of us are happy that children have done well and there are a few of us carrying the burden of knowing that our children have not come up to our expectations.

Pressure on children to excel in school is a major cause of student suicides in India. Parents want results from their children because they are spending so much on their studies and if a child fails he or she finds it difficult to face their parents and resort to extreme steps. Blind pursuit of parents to decide their children's career is a very dangerous trend.

Parents should understand more and more that children belong to life, they are only gifts to them and each one is unique, each one is born to fulfil a role and not satisfy the ego of parents which is clearly displayed when children are not allowed to follow the dreams of what they want to do and become and are forced to take up studies that becomes a prestige issue for the parents

A five-page suicide note came to light on May 10 in which a pupil said she liked writing, English and history and blamed h e r mother f o r "manipulating me as a kid to take up science. … I took science to make you happy." The girl was attending a coaching institute in Kota to help her pass the national-

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Cynthia Fernandes (Mumbai, India)

IN HIS SHOES

home with my foot paining, only to discover that neither my Dad nor the scooter were there. Instead I found him at the exchange offer place.

Looking at my Dad, grief engulfed me. I hugged him tightly and began crying loudly, saying "Dad I don't need the Bike".

That is when I realized the pain and the hardship our parents go through and the unconditional love that they give us. We should learn to seek our needs and not our unrealistic wants.

Ridiculing our parents when they are still with us and longing for them when they are not around really has no meaning.

One day, I was so angry, I left home, swearing never to return, until I became a big guy. Parents, who can't even buy me a Bike, have no right to dream to make me an engineer. In my fit of anger, I didn't even realize that I was wearing my father's shoes. I even stole his wallet, which had some torn papers which my mother had not seen.

While, I was rushing on foot towards the bus station, I felt some prickly pain in my foot. I also felt dampness inside the shoe. That is when I realized that the shoe had a hole underneath.

There were no buses around. Not knowing what to do, I started to look in my Dad's wallet and found a loan receipt of Rs. 40,000, which he had taken from his office and a laptop bill (he had bought for me). To my utter shock, I also found a letter from his manager

stipulating that he henceforth wears clean shoes to the office. I recalled my mother pestering him to buy a pair of new shoes but he continued to convince her that his shoes would last for another six months at least.

I also found an exchange offer in his wallet for a new bike for an old scooter.

I instantly remembered that when I left h o m e , m y Dad's scooter was not there.

I started feeling weak in my legs and felt l ike w e e p i n g uncontrollably! I r a n b a c k

difficult for parents to figure out what is right. More important than trying to be a perfect parent is to be a “Good Enough Parent. Hard situations are part of life – situations from which we can learn and grow. This doesn't stop at adolescence because we will be parents forever – our role just continues to change over time.

no way out, and there is always a second chance to do better. As it is said “failures are stepping stones to success”. It is important for parents, educators, and coaches to know that the growth mindset that sits in their heads may not get through to children unless they use learning-focused pract ices, l ike discussing what their children could learn from a failure and how they might improve in the future. Praise your child for the good things he/she has done. A pat on the back for the right answers can go a long way. Too often we tend to focus on poor performance and behaviour.

Ÿ Treat going to school as part of the normal course of events, something that is expected of your child and accepted by you. A calm, matter-of-fact, positive attitude is your goal.

Ÿ Help your child cope with occasional frustrations and disappointments at

school. Develop interventions that teach you about the potential upsides of failure, showing that you can respond to your children's setbacks in ways that are motivating rather than discouraging.

Ÿ REMEMBER* Children though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

Help with Your Children - continued

They belong to life. You may give them your love but not your thoughts for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, where you cannot visit. Be grateful and l ove them, handle them with love and care.

Ÿ One final word: It's

Jagriti Shankar (Goa, India)

Jagriti Shankar is a gender trainer based in Goa. She earned her postgraduate degree in Gender and Development Studies, from Asian Institute of Technology, Thailand. Her work includes research on gender issues, gender sensitization trainings and advocacy. Email:

Jagriti.shankar@gmail.com

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TATA SONS REVAMPS POLICIES FOR WOMEN

completing five years in the company, women can avail one year leave to take care of children or elderly.' I replied, 'This is so thoughtful.'

Not understanding what the discussion was all about and what was so interesting in the newspaper today, as I'm usually in a complaint mode while reading the newspaper, my little son Savi asked, 'mama what is happening? Tell me also'.

But before I could reply, his elder sister started speaking, 'see… there is this company Tatas, many women work in that company, the company has made a new rule that they will give leave to women when they need to stay home. For example, when they get new babies, or when their babies are sick, or when their parents are sick. And those women won't have to quit t h e i r j o b l i k e Sushma Aunty d i d . Y o u r e m e m b e r that Sushma A u n t y w a s working in a c o m p a n y before she got her new baby'. She f e l t p r o u d showing off that she was smarter than him. And they

both looked at me for approval of her explanation.

'Yes, you are right', I said and looked at little Savi to check if he had understood.

He looked at me and nodded.

I thought the discussion was over, but then I saw Savi scratching his plate with the fork, he often does this when he is thinking or worried about something.

'What's the matter, what are you thinking?' I asked.

'Have they made this new rule for men also?'

'I don't think so. They are giving some paternal leaves to men also, but not all these benefits', I put on my feminist lenses and continued, 'I see your point, men should also be given time off to take care of children, its not only a mom's

responsibility.'

'Yes, and to take care of parents too,' he said, 'When I will grow big and you will become old, I will always be with you whenever you will fall

sick mama. I will take leave as you do every time

when I fall sick.'

Dipped in love I hugged him and could only say, 'Thank you!’

'Wow! That is excellent!' I was overjoyed reading the newspaper at the breakfast table.

'What happened, what is so good?' Hubby inquired.

'Tata sons is revamping policies for w o m e n e m p l o y e e s . T h e y a r e introducing women-centric HR policies. Finally someone has realized that many women leave their careers after they have children, or when they have to stay home to take care of elderly. That is so true, I have friends who left their jobs at the peak of their careers to take care of children and household.' I said and waited for Hubby's reaction.

'Oh! That's good', a short reply came as usual.

'Yeah, that's really good. I'm sure many women will benefit from this new policy. At least Tata sons' women employees will be very happy today. And this will set a benchmark for the industry, more companies will follow their footsteps.' My excitement was continuing.

'By the way what are all the benefits are they introducing?' he asked.

'Women will get paid maternity leave for seven months. They can also avail flexible working hours when they have small children. Women will have secured performance rating, so the time taken off will not obstruct their performance appraisals. And most importantly, after

Dr. Nicola Coutinho (Hamburg, Germany)

LOVE YOU; LOVE YOU NOT

Strange as this may sound, I wish to describe my relationship with the Sun. Yes, "sun". Not "son.”

When in India (mostly South-West), I detested how deep beneath my skin the sun made it it's business to settle. My throat parched, face scorched and hair fried off my scalp; I cried bloody murder to that Sun of the Universe! The scoundrel that threatened to burn me crisp! We in South-West India boast of basically two seasons- Monsoons and no Monsoons. And it's summer all the while. That sadistic Sun just loves to watch us sweat out of our minds!

Last November, I gleefully fled the raging beast to wintery Hamburg, Germany. I hid from the Sun but it did not seek. For days, weeks, months. The only attempts of the Sun trying rouse it's lethargic self were pathetic peeks through grumpy grey clouds swirling in the howling wind.

I was distraught. Could it possibly be, was I missing that which I no longer had? (If you're smirking or rolling your eyes, I don't blame you. Story of our lives, right?) How I craved the warmth of gleaming rays- to darken my skin and lighten my heart!

Winter finally kicked the bucket in April. Spring decided to do what it does

Marguerite Theophil

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best- be undecided. Rain, Sun, Snow and Hale within minutes each other was no surprise. Their irregularity ticked (me off) like clockwork. Well, at least the Sun was back at play.

I waited with bated breath for the Sun to break through the sky and when it did, I cheered and danced for joy! The people of Hamburg spilled onto the streets and parks to bask in the Sun. We conveniently forgot how we bad-mouthed the weather through gritted teeth chattering between wind jackets and numb noses. The Sun was no longer the enemy. I made my peace and celebrated our kinship. I was in love once more!

Spring is saying goodbye now and

Summer is rushing in boisterously. The Sun is back to being a (part-time) bully and I feel the obscenities rising in my gut.

Am I that fickle, oscillating between love and hate for this entity I cannot

control?Then it hit me, like a slap in the face.

It was never about the Sun.It was and is always about me.Up to me to find Nirvana in any

consuming furnace.Up to me to find my inner sunshine

through the darkest winters.

Isn't that what life is really about? Letting your spark shine no matter the

obstacles?Funny how the Sun of the Universe let me blaze through love and hate over

STORY AS PRAYER

sympathy while echoing our own insecurities:

I can't be serious, you have not made me so.

You'll have to love me as I am: a clown,

swinging along and screeching like a fool,

And sometimes praying hanging upside-down.

Am I your favourite? Look, I'll make a face,

hang by my tail, yawn like a crocodile,

seek out your fleas, dear God, if you have some —

It is enough if I but make you smile.

As a preface to his book, 'The Gates Of The Forest', Holocaust survivor and human rights activist Elie Wiesel included a beautiful teaching about prayer and story... When the great Rabbi Israel Baal Shem-Tov saw misfortune threatening the Jews, it was his custom to go into a certain

part of the forest to meditate. There he would light a fire, say a special prayer, and the miracle would be accomplished and the misfortune averted.

Later, when his disciple, the celebrated Magid of Mezritch, had occasion, for the same reason, to intercede with heaven, he would go to the same place in the forest and say: “Master of the Universe, listen! I do not know how to light the fire, but I am still able to say the prayer.” And a g a i n t h e m i r a c l e w o u l d b e accomplished.

Still later, Rabbi Moshe-Leib of Sasov, in order to save his people once more, would go into the forest and say: “I do not know how to light the fire, I do not know the prayer, but I know the place and this must be sufficient.” It was suf f i c ient and the mirac le was accomplished.

Then it fell to Rabbi Israel of Rizhyn to overcome misfortune. Sitting in his armchair, his head in his hands, he spoke to God: “I am unable to light the fire and I do not know the prayer;I cannot even find the place in the forest. All I can do is to tell the story, and this must be sufficient.”

And it was sufficient.

“God made man because he loves stories,” Wiesel reminds us. We too can 'pray our stories', specially those of hurt, confusion, pain and woundedness, but also stories of gratitude and blessings. The best way is to write them down, and then find in them a healing 'voice'. The voice can at times make us cry, or laugh; at best, it will help us to move on.

***

To some it may sound faintly or hugely blasphemous to declare that a properly recounted and carefully listened to story is like a prayer for both the teller and the listener. But if we consider prayer in an expanded sense, to not just include the act of praying, but the attitude of prayerfulness that we can carry at all times, or prayer as the practice of the presence of God, or prayer as both talking to and listening to the Divine — I do believe — story qualifies.

A Hasidic story tells us that one morning, a widely respected Rabbi was recounting stories to his followers, when a disciple rushed in to remind him it was time for morning prayers. He calmly replied, “And what do you think we've been doing?”

William Cleary, a storytelling poet, manages to turn fables from Aesop into thought-provoking prayers, and one of his fascinating books of prayers, 'How The Wild Things Pray', is written in the voices of animals telling its story. These story-prayers of different animals, which pra ise, thank, complain, or beseech. We read. We laugh. And then, seeing ourselves in these stories, we connect and learn.

The firefly who tells its story of loving the night and simply being unable to understand dayl ight or those creatures that thrive in it, is still willing to concede the world is made for all!

'O God of Every Mystery,

give us clear eyes so we can see

How any world of wonder must

have room for other things than us.

Even the monkey tells his story, trying hard to please, and evokes our

two continents and then run smack into the solution.

In fact, the mother of all solutions: the face in the mirror.

Love You; Love You Not - continued