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Today’s Lesson
• Conflict• What Mediators Do• Learning & Mastery• Attitude & Mindset• Tools– Acknowledgment– Restating– Reframing– Summarizing
CONFLICT!!!!
• Defining Conflict• Causes of Conflict– Values related Conflict– Relationship related Conflict– Structural or Positional related Conflict– Data related Conflict
Conflict
• What have you learned about conflict?– How was conflict handled in your family?–What happened when there was conflict
at school?– How are you affected by culture, religion
and other influences?
PUSHING• People position themselves in various
patterns, like an ATTACH-DEFEND Cycle, when in conflict. Blaming language, entrenching, emotionalism and other behaviors add to being stuck in the pattern. Learning strategies for cutting through the patterns is an invaluable skill in working with youth.
PUSHING
• When you push on someone, they are inclined to push back. *we don’t always know what constitutes a push to someone else.
• Our intentions behind words and actions may be very different than their impact on another person.
• Blaming is sometimes the easiest way to avoid responsibility
• We sometimes operate in reaction, based on old patterns, instead of creating responses based
from thoughtful consideration.
PUSHING
• Our listening is distorted when we are in conflict, we hear through filters like assumptions, expectations and emotion.
• We may lack perspective and/or skills to work things through collaboratively.
What will you remember from the pushing activity?
What Mediators Do
• Create a safe environment• Listen and elicit information• Assist parties as they clarify meaning
and define issues• Problem solve through option
generation• Facilitate negotiations• Record agreements
More than Going from Dispute to Resolution
• Uninformed• Agitated/Angry• Confused• Misunderstood• Nobody• Blame • Huh?
• Informed• Calmer• Clear• Understood/
Accepted• Somebody• Responsibility• Aha!
Mediation Mindset
• Objective• Non-judgmental• Accepting• Trust in the youth• Re-define Control• Does not “assume”• Check our own baggage• BE FULLY PRESENT!
Listening Like a Mediator
• Remain detached mentally and emotionally
• Refraining from advice giving, agreeing or disagreeing
• Maintaining an awareness of your body language
• Patience• No judging or blaming• Sincerity
Mediation Toolbox
Listening• To hear
– Content– Emotions– values
Responding
• To acknowledge and clarify by– Paraphrasing– Summarizing– Questioning– Reframing– Reflecting
Bridging Differences
• To promote understanding– Summarizing– Questioning– Reframing
Acknowledgement
• Listen and hear others where they are
• Let them know you have heard them• Acknowledging is not agreeing• Acknowledging does not mean you
give up your view point• Requires recognizing where you differ
and where you might agree
Why Acknowledge?
• Can soften an attitude enough to change stubborn to willing
• People want to know you have heard them
• Prevents escalation in a conflict• Encourages conversation and avoids
blame
Acknowledging Skills
• Acknowledge both feeling and content as appropriate
• Use objective clear language• Start with a variety for statements:– So for you– If I’m hearing you– From your point of view– You sound– You seem
Restating and Paraphrasing
• Say back exactly what someone said or say back in such a way to retain the meaning with minor word substitutions
Restating and Paraphrasing
• Why?– Translate– Clarify– Facilitate Negotiation– Acknowledge– Create Movement– Elicit More Information–Model Objective Language
Reflecting
• Reflecting is acting as the objective mirror.–Why?
• Provide those involved with an opportunity to:– Agree and say more about what is going on for them– Help them feel acknowledged– Let them agree or disagree and clarify– Allow them the opportunity to explore their feelings– Validate their feelings– Create movement– Facilitate negotiation
Reflecting & Emotions
• If you hear “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you are getting something other than a feeling level response. “I feel like he is wrong” is an opinion. Try reflecting back what you may hear underneath the thought – maybe you can uncover the emotion.
• Sometimes people are not willing to resolve the issue until both their thoughts and emotional content have been acknowledged.
Reframing
• A person frames his or her point of view by describing issues, creating context, choosing language and defining meanings.
• Reframing is a skill. By putting a statement in a new frame we can make it more constructive, less offensive or negative and more approachable.
• Reframing restates negative statements without changing the intent and interest.
Reframing
FROM• Negative• An Individual
Problem• A Threat, Blame
or Attack• Past
TO• Positive• A Joint Problem• A Level of
Concern
• Future
Without Changing Its INTENT!
Summarizing
• Review• Acknowledge• Clarify• Negotiate shared understanding• Re-Focus• Buy Time• Tactfully Interrupt• Translate
Helpful Phrases
• When you need more information• When you want to reflect feelings• When you want to summarize• When you want to generate options• When you decide to do a “reality
test”
Summary
• Conflict• What Mediators Do• Learning & Mastery• Attitude & Mindset• Tools– Acknowledgment– Restating– Reframing– Summarizing