Imago Relationship Therapy

Nathan C. Gehlert, Ph.D.John Carroll University

A few thoughts on marriage:• Happiness in one’s marriage is a significant

contributor to one’s psychological well-being• Unhappiness in one’s marriage is a significant

contributor to overall unhappiness in life• Most people in the world continue to choose to

marry• However, the rate of divorce in the United States is

40-50%• There are a lot of couples that need help in their

relationships

What is Imago Relationship Therapy?• A style of couples counseling that was developed in

the 1990s by Harville Hendrix• “Imago” is a word that comes from Greek language

meaning “image”• Over 3,000 Imago Therapists in over 30 countries• Theoretical foundation in psychodynamic and

cognitive behavioral therapy

Basic Ideas of Imago Relationship Therapy

• We were born whole and complete.• We became wounded during our early childhood by

our primary caretakers (usually unintentionally).• We have an image in our unconscious mind of all the

positive and negative traits of our parents. This image is called the IMAGO.

Basic Ideas of Imago Relationship Therapy: Parental Similarity

• As an adult, the Imago serves as a blueprint for who we seek as a romantic partner

• In other words, we look for a romantic partner who is similar to our parents

• Again, our romantic partner has similar positive and negative traits as our parents

• Thus, our romantic partner has the potential to wound us in the same way that our parents wounded us

Basic Ideas of Imago Relationship Therapy: Opposites Attract

• During our childhood, not all parts of us fully develop

• Some people become athletic, come people become good at school, some people are good at math, some people are good at art, etc.

• This happens because only some of our personality traits are reinforced by our parents and society and we get shamed for other aspects of our personality

Basic Ideas of Imago Relationship Therapy: Opposites Attract

• As an adult, when we seek a romantic partner, we are attracted to people who have many of the opposite traits we have ourselves

Romantic Love and the Power Struggle

• When we fall in love, we feel whole and complete again.

• But over time, we start feeling hurt by our partners in the same way that our parents hurt us

• Over time, we also start feeling annoyed by the ways that our partner is different than us

• This leads to the Power Struggle

The Power Struggle• Our love partner is incompatible with us because

they are so different than us• Our love partner is also most able to wound us, just

like our parents wounded us• Both Romantic Love and the Power Struggle happen

at an unconscious level

Imago Relationship Therapy• The goal of Imago Relationship Therapy is to align

our conscious mind (which wants happiness and good feelings) with the agenda of the unconscious mind (which wants healing and growth).

• Thus, the goal of therapy is to assist clients in developing conscious, intimate, committed relationships.

Goals of Therapy• To understand that my partner is different from me,

that we come from different worlds and that he/she is not intentionally wounding me• “You can be right, or you can be in relationship”

• For each person to grow to be more like their partner

Clinical Tool: The Imago Dialogue• Purpose of the Imago Dialogue is to help couples

move from disconnection to connection by making conversation safe.

• During the Power Struggle, couples become skilled at shaming and blaming. The Imago Dialogue helps them speak in a way so they can hear and understand each other

• The dialogue is highly structured in positions, roles (sender/receiver), and rhythm

The Imago Dialogue: Two Roles• Responsibility of Sender (doing the talking):• Speak about oneself• Talk in small amounts• Stay on topic• No shaming, blaming, criticism, contempt, belittling, etc.

• Responsibility of Receiver (doing the listening):• Mirror (repeat) the other as accurately as possible• Contain one’s own reactivity (facial expressions, tone,

nuance)• Visit the other’s world with openness and curiosity• Validate the other’s reality• Connect to the other’s emotional experience

Part 1 of the Dialogue: Mirroring• The purpose of mirroring is to help the individual

figure out who s/he is. Gradually, the different parts of the self merge into an integrated “self”. The receiver is giving what attuned parents give: sense of worth, importance, value and the time and space to explore and grow.• The process involves the receiver reflecting back to

the sender, as accurately as possible, the message the other sends. Goal is to be a “flat” mirror.

Part 2 of the Dialogue: Validation• Validation is the skill of communicating to another

that you understand the world from their point of view, that you can see the sense that their perspective makes, that you can understand their logic and accept its validity.• Validation is NOT agreement.• Sounds like:• “You make sense to me that… because…”• “I can understand that you feel/think… given that…”

Part 3 of the Dialogue: Empathy• Empathy is the capacity to imagine how another

person might experience whatever it is they are talking about on a feeling level, the capacity to attune to their feelings based on what they have said.• Sounds like:• “Based on what you have said, I imagine that you might

feel…”

• Deep connection often accompanies a moment of empathic attunement.

Questions?