8/10/2019 Ielts Essay 2 of 3
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Employment is becoming an increasingly illusive goal for many
graduates. Some say
universities are failing in preparing students for the future,
whereas others argue there is a
fundamental fall in the calibre of graduates. What are the
reasons for this? Has the quality of
graduates dropped?
PARAGRAPH 2
Nowadays it is a well known fact that it is impossible to get a
job immediately after finishing uni,
because eerybody is looking for the same positions when they
graduate making it more difficult
and the number of graduates is increasing! "ots of graduates
doing and finishing uni makes it tricky
to get a job! #or e$ample my cousin did his final year and
finished uni but is still doing work in the
local %urger &ing in "eeds!
PARAGRAPH 2 '(N)(N*( +
)oo long, too many ideas,unnecessary repetition of ideas,
collouialisms instead of proper names,
complete lack of hedging!
Nowadays it is a well known factthat it is impossibleto get a
jobimmediately after finishinguni,
because eerybodyis looking for the same positions when they
graduatemaking it more difficult
and the number of graduates is increasing!
Nowadays it isa well known fact that it is impossible to get a
job - Nowadays it is thought that job
opportunities are slimmer than eer,
making it more difficult. /competitie0 increasing
competition
uni- uniersity
because eerybody is looking for the same positions when they
graduate making it more difficult
1*ompetition for places1 is the message, but aboe it1s e$pressed
in a ery wordy fashion!
because eerybody islooking for -because eerybody looks for!!!
/eliminate the erb to be, use a
erb that 34(' the sentence along0!
'(N)(N*( 2
"ots of graduates doingand finishinguni makes it tricky to get a
job! . "ack of specific erbs
/graduating0!
'ame idea was e$pressed in 'entence + /job competition0!
'(N)(N*( 5
#or e$ample my cousin did his final year and finished uni but is
still doing work in the local %urger
&ing in "eeds!6nappropriate e$ample, it isn1t well known,
nobody e$cept the writer1s family can relate to this
e$ample!
my cousin didhis final year and finished uni but is still
doingwork in the local %urger &ing in
"eeds! "ack of specific erbs /graduating0!
my cousin did his finalyear and finisheduni - redundancy!
3ften graduates continue in their temporary positions, for
e$ample recent studies show!!!
Employment is becoming an increasingly illusive goal for many
graduates. Some say
universities are failing in preparing students for the future,
whereas others argue there is a
8/10/2019 Ielts Essay 2 of 3
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fundamental fall in the calibre of graduates. What are the
reasons for this? Has the quality of
graduates dropped?
)he uality has neer fallen, why would it7 )echnology has improed
lots, testing can be now done
in a more effectie automatic fashion! 6n 'cotland it is a well
known fact that employers
complained, winged, and practically cried about the problems of
new workers missing days from
employment and some take things too!
)oo direct, asking a uestion in the middle of the essay is not
recommendable!
)echnology has improed lots . 4ague, no specifics!
testing can be now donein a more effectie automatic fashion- %(
'8**6N*)9 test taking can be
automated!
6n 'cotland it is a well known fact that!!!- 6s it really7
6n a recent surey of prominent 'cottish employers!!! 'ounds more
academic and aoid the massie
generalisation 1a well known fact1!
winged, and practically cried- this type of language is too
strong for an academic essay!
the problems of new workers missing days from employment and
some take things too! .it could
be made parallel9
problems of new workers missingdays and stealingitems
about the problems of new workers missing days from employment!.
here we could hae said it in
one word 1absenteeism1!
problems of absenteeismand theft!
3erall the second body paragraph is too short and fails to
answer the uestion! 6t also has too many
ideas, first discussing technology, then 'cotland, then problems
with workers, the paragraph lacks
focus!
6dea
intro
2 although9 eery single one had difference "ongly farm no
difference
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5 biggest contrast eltham smallest conrast netherton and
incidently smallest out of all illage
: Holmfirth biggest total for both new and 2ndhand
)H(N (")HA, 8PP(R)H3NG, 'laithwaite,
34(RA"" 'econd sales greater (;*(P) "ongly #arm
)he graph shows the differences between new car and second hand
car sales for seen illages in
the 8& in 2
3erall in eery illagee$cept "ongly #arm secondhand sales are
greater, also secondhand car sales
in Holmfirth and eltham are almost si$ times the si@e of
Netherton1s sales!
