Child Abuse and Neglect, Vol. 3, pp. 335 - 340. Pergamon Press Ltd., 1979. Printed in Great Britain.

“1 ~ IF I HIT HIM I'D CC WC PAR"

Brenda Crows NFU, National Adviser to PPA, 1967-1977

18 Rainsford Avenue, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 2PJ

An unexpected spin-off from the playgroup movement b%s been that those involved with it over a significant period of time during its seventeen years of existence have had a unique opportunity to build up a considerable body of knovledge about ordinary norm%1 parents, prticularly mothers, coping vitb the joys, sorrows, anxieties and etreeses of daily life lived in close proximity with their pre-school children.

Doctors, nurses, health visitors, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, police, the legal profession, and others are trained to copa with specific types of deviation from physical, mental and social health: in the course of their work with individuals and families tbey all acquire deep insights into family life, but the fact remains tbat they are not uaaally called in until something has gone significantly vrong.

All tbesa professionals do preventive work, but again the fact remsins that the pressure of case loads is such that in practice most of their time and skill is devoted to those individuals and families who have reached CriSi6 point.

The playgroup movement ie about ordinary normal families who come together in their ovn local communities to provide safe and satisfying play for their children, and it is from this happy, positive, responsible background that their hidden anxieties, strains and stresses have spontaneously emerged, been shared, and the burden lessened,

It is tbe outwardly happy and well-%djusted families who have added to our knowledge of child abuse and neglect that ve once associated more easily with those who came to playgroups aa referrals from social workers, doctors, health visitors and others.

Before offering some of the insights gained it is necessary to explain the ethos of the playg~up movement, and to make clear the abort-comings, young democratic voluntary association.

as well as the strengths, of our

Any individual or playgroup can join the Pre-School Playgroup Association (PPhf, including those who are 'doing it wrong', for ve believe that exposure to other ideas and methods in a caring group is one of the best viays for people to learn and grow in enderstanding and insight.

Since we bttlieve this it follows that there are many playgroups within PPA that are not (but hopefully may be in time) ascribing to our ideea and ideals. We hope that the wider community will come to understand that although ve work steadfastly towards our stated aims we have to accept the fact that the very nature of learning through pereonel experience ia such that playgroups will always be in a state of 'becoming', and therefore at no time can we forsee a point when every playgroup will simultaneously have 'arrived'. As one generation of prenta moves on to school so new prents will come in to take their place, and the learning re-comn‘ences.

335

336 B. Crowe

In the early years these self-help groups of parents called upon the 'experts' for help, and I was one of many nursery school teachers who, feeling grave concern for the children in playgroups, started to run courses 'telling them how it should be done'.

The so-called experts soon learned from this mistake: without realizing it we were trying to turn a wide cross-section of mothers into uniform imitations of nursery school teachers.

The reslt was that although the majority responded and contributed beyond all our expecta- tions the minority gave rise to concern.

Some became over-confident and applfad knowledge uithoat sensitivity, and it was clear that the issuing of any certificate (other than mere attendance) could exacerbate this problem: since then it has been explained to all those attending playgroup fieldwork or 'doorstep' courses that there is nothing at the end of them that 'qualifies' anyone to do anything - the courses are for the interest, comfort, and stimulation of? those who attend, and everyone is free to take from them what she or he wants and needs at that stage, and to interpret it in the best interests of their owu playgroup children and parents and their own families. The enduring friendships, the exchange of visits to each other's playgroups, and involvement in the local playgroup community is often where the learning comes to fruition later (much later quite often).

Some of those on courses became strained and burdened with guilt, for they took to heart everything that was said about children's development and play needs, and felt that they bad failed as parents - this defeated the aim of wanting them to feel increasingly happy, confident and aware, for if confidence and self-esteem is lost the spur to learn is blunted.

Another pitfall was the realiaation that when some perents began to learn about the needa of children they found themselves in the stressful position of wanting to change some of their attitudes and practices, which meant being disloyal to their own upbringing, parents, and in some cases to their husbands and parents-in-lav as well.

Repeated experiences of parents' reactions on courses and in playgroups led to the under- standing that although the courses were originally geared to the children, play activities and adult/child relationships in the playgroup, the first repercussion was in the homes of those on the courses.

The responsibility following this unexpected discovery led to radical rethinking.

The aim of the playgroup movement now is to create community situations in uhich the parents learn predominantly from each other, and any 'experts' responsible for the input of knowledge have to ask themselves "How much of all that I know on my particular subject is relevant to these particular parents, in this perticular neighbourhood, at this particular time in their family and playgroup experience?*

Great sensitivity is required if the needs of children are to be upheld whilst trying to bridge the gap between ideal childhood and the man

3 and varied childhood experiences (which

are usually being re-lived with their own children of those on the courses.

Cultural and family roots mustn't be severed, neither must inappropriate new growth be grafted on to long-established rootstock - each family must be allowed to grow in its own way, and all that 'experts' can do is t o enrich the ground, find new ways to let in the light, and build in such supports as are necessary to uphold the natural growth.

You may have gathered by now that the playgroup movement is significantly more than the sum total of its playgroups: it is those who enthuse groups of parents to start their own play- group, those who support and encourage the parents through their stages of preparation, those mho orga-.ise courses, those who sustain the playgroup with visits, those who organize the local Branches of PPh to bring people together for continued learning and a happy social life, those who organise bulk buying, those who produce newsletters, publications and visual aids, and the local community which contributes in so many uaye.

The courses are for playgroup leaders and parent helpers, for local groups of mothers who are interested in learning more about children; for the teenage boys and girls who help in play- groups (but who also need to regress to catch up on thefr own missed play experiences); for thoss who want to be playgroup visitors, or area organisers, or course tutors, and for any

"I Knew if I Hit Him I'd Go Too Far 337

group that has a special interest that they want to pursue (such as music, telling, leading discussion groups).

first aid, Story

Once a group of parents makes the vital decision to do something for their . _.. own ohildren, and to use all the available resources in order to do it to the best or their ability, then they experience a great surge of new growth.

Love of their children is the 8plr that drives them on, and beC8uSe the mowmm% holds parents to be as important as children their own needs and abilities are considered just a8 fully 88 those of their children,

In the accepting climate of both the courses and the playgroups parents are free to be them- selves, and as trust and friendship develop the barriers come down 8nd they dare to t8l.k about the way it is at home rather then the way they like to pretend it is for the sake of appearances, or sometimes out of 8 need to protect their own illusions.

This ia how we have come to know wh8t lies behind the smiling public faces of so many outwardly happy, confident, capble and well-adjusted prents - and what we have learned confirms our belief that the mother or mother substitute at home with her young children all day need8 companionship for herself as well 8s her child, and access to knowledge that will enhance what she already knows rather than detract from her status as the most important person her child will ever know.

Before giving axamples of the types of abuse and neglect that are present in BB~ community I must stress our belief that the positive aspects of mothering and fathering far outweigh the negative aspects in any community - even when parents are thought to be doing ‘the wrong thing’, or failing to do ‘the right thing’, the child is very often receiving the most vital communication of all which is that, come hell or high water, hie p8rents love him and BP8 doing their best according to their knowledge 8nd ability.

The collected experience of course-tutors, playgroup leaders, discussion leaders and play- group movement workers is that the fear of violence, and their ignorance of what constitutes abwe and neglect 8re expressed by parents in every type of community, and they may be loosely categorised as follows:

The S&&e Act of Via

The degree of violence varies but what is COnSt8nt when someone ie unable to forget or forgive themselves is that at the time of the act they were ‘out-of-control’ and had no power to stop themeelvee.

Other8 have been driven to unaccustomed excess but felt that thsy had had the choice of stopping or continuing at the time, but ‘allowed’ themselves to continue.

Fany parents have thrown their child violently on the bed, but they knew in that vital split second that they had chosen the bed rather than the floor.

Fkkny parents who don’t believe in siaacking have reached 8 point of desperation when they resort to it, and once they start they can’t stop until their own hands are so hot and sore that they ce8se for their own sake - but again they are au8re that they have chosen to smack a leg or a bottom in preference to the head or body (the contents and workings of which are a mystery to many of them but they f8ar they might do r8al h8rm to 8 vital organ).

The release of guilt that follows these admissions is very real, and sa is the relief of finding that there is always someone else in the group who has done the same thing.

One social worker kept quiet in a discussion but came up aftennrrds to say that at last she could forgive herself, for someone she greatly admired in the group h8d confessed to a once- only excess. She spke for others uhen she said *I didn’t know how Xw8s going to tell my husband, for 1 felt that he couldn’t go on loving me when he knew what sort of a woman I MS”.

338 1). Crowe

pence that is Deflected from the Cu

A local authority playgroup Adviser recalled a time when she felt her control slipping, and she had four hours to wait before her husband would be home to come to the rescue. "f remember shutting myself in the bathroom,

She d.a but then I remepber nothing until f was aware

that I bad gripped the towelrail so tightly that I had broken it with my bare hands - I was terrified to think what might have happened if that same grip had been applied to Nick's neck." The act calmed her but the scar of the fear remained.

Another mother of a toddler and younger twins {a Chartered Accountant and later Marriage Guidance Counsellor) said that she recenbered throwing the twins in the cot *to keep them safe*, and putting the toddler in a safe place, before her control snapped: when she came to she was bashing her head against the kitchen wall and said "It was such a relief only having a hurt head instead of screaming nerve-endings.*

A fans Historv of Viom

One mother's account is typical of many others, particularly in areas of deep deprivation and innocent ignorance,

She was unable to cope with her five children before the twins arrived, end they were the breaking point - she alternately battered them or locked them in their bedroom to keep them safe.

The health visitor suggested that she should take them to the local playgroup, but the idea was rejected out of hand with the words "No. Playgroup are only for bad mothers. I won't be a baa mother."

The health visitor asked why she thought they were for bad mothers, and the answer was "Because that's what I think when I see mothers taking them along to dump tbem - I'm not gofng to dump mine." It was explained that there were good mothers who were taking it in turns to help the local playgroup leader and her helper to provide three hours of happy play for the local children.

Assured that it was lgoodf, the mother took her twins along and tbe playgroup leader said later, "they duly behaved like incoherent little wild animals for days on end - but nobody complained, and the mother was treated as a friend and neighbour."

In her own words the mother told me how she got to the point where, on bad days, she could say to the playleader "For God's sake let me stay with you this morning or I shall murder the buggers", and how she would then have a rug put on the floor by the radiator, and how the other mothers would fetch a cushion to put at her back "just thick enough so the warmth came through but the ridges didn't stick in my back", and how they would bring her tea and biscuits.

These so-called ignorant mothers acted from their shared experience and compassion, even to knowing that sitting on the floor is more restful than sitting on a chair, and that warmth on the back is comforting.

The mother looked happy and well, and the twins were relaxed, articulate and well adjusted by the time she told me all thfs, b!lt her next words shocked me, ".,.I could never have gone into a nursery school like I used to go into the playgroup": I wanted to tell her that I used to be a nursery school teacher and that plenty of mothers and fathers came in to say just those sort of things, and to drink tea and be oomforted. But that would have been pointless for people have to be taken seriozsly when they say "4 couldn't go into a nursery sell001 like that . ..". what they mean is that their prticular memories of schools and a,lthorit.v figures is such that $&y genuinely couldn't go into a 'proper' school easily, naturally and as of right.

The playgroups, led by local mothers, have a place to play for s:zch prents that nothing else can qi:ite replace.

Another illustration of this is that parents will hand over their children saying You'll have to wallop him, he won't take a bit of notice if you don't - hit him all you like, we shall understand." They are not afraid to admit this to another local mother, in fact it is

"I Knew if I Hit Him I'd Co Too Far 339

almost an invitation to her to hit the child for then the parents can feel juatffied in their OM hitting.

The sensitive playgroup leader explains, without expressing condemnation, thet children are not hit in the playgroup for the strain of looking after other people's children is much less than in looking after one's own.

One such mother came to enjoy her days helping in the play$roup and said that she goes home and tries out playgroup ways when her child is playing her up - and that they work.

Another said in amazement "'E minds 'er, an* she don’t 'it 'im or shout!"

The Pernetiuel Bow of Vi-

Many mothers or mother substitutes, shut up alone with one or more under-fives, live perpetually on the borderline of violence: this is aggravated when the accommodation is limited or shared, vhen the health end morale of the mother is low, when there is ignorance of children's needs, and when the child is particularly demanding.

One such family speaks for itself in the ten minute film "I Knev If I Hit Kim I'd Go Too Far". The father has been out of vork for two years, the young mother is again pregnant.

they have two children under five, and

estate. They live in a first floor Slat In a depressing houeing

The back yards and the grass in front of the flats are fouled with dog muck and broken glass, and dogs shut out all day by their working owners roam the area in pcks.

The parents talk about the strain of bringing children up under these conditions and the mother describes what she does to keep the four year old safe when she knovs she could batter him.

"1 go into my room, kneel on the bed, punch the eiderdown and scream at the top of my voice . . . it’s the only thing I can do . . . it's the only outlet . . . many a time I've pulled my hair out. Then other times I shut Gerald in his room and bang the door, and open it and bang it about ten times until the door frame begins to come avay from the wall.

"Then there's another thing I do, I clothes, end then I go and stand on

have a bath and wash my hair and put on all clean the b&cony, and I'll feel better that way.*

Both parents eaid the playgroup wes it gave to the whole faadly.

the turning point for them all because of the interest

Yet experienced social workers have comes to hurting the children, only

seen this film, and heard the mother say how near she to say at the end "why did you choose to film a family _* ._

who were along all right? why dian't you show some of the desperste families who need playgroups?"

They vere only managing all right because of the playgroup: and the playgroup was only managing all right because not too many of the families were really desperate referrals from other agencies.

The essence of s valuable community playgroup is that the predominant feeling is one of optimism, happiness, difficulties overcome and responsibilities shared, with enough people going on courses to feed insights back into the playgroup for the benefit of both children and parents, and enough people going on to do fieldwork among the new playgroups and Branches that gather playgroups and fan&Lies together into a big happy family,

Only in this positive and happy atmosphere can parents begin to learn about children from other parents and other children, and only as the local level of understanding inareasas are parents prepared to rethink their own attitudes as they meet differing ones fn people that they like and trust.

Parents cornare notes about naughtiness, and ptishment, sod discipline, all issues of crucial importance to families and society - they come to see that play is learning for living, not just playing-about or a short-term policy of 'getting ready for school' - they come to see children as persons, not live dolls, or pets, or small-sized adults, or as a means of re-lfving their ovn lives - they begin to think about words like good, bad, dirty,

340 8. Crow

messy, clever, right, wrong, responsibility, involvement, contribution, freedom, control and self-control, fair and equal.

dll these words are interpreted differently in each family, and some of the misinterpreta- tions can give rise to a real abuse of children, their play, their childhood, and ultimately their lives.

Nothing happens quickly, for real learning is slov and pair&W in those areas of our lives where we most need to learn.

Perhap the key to the success of playgroup learning l&es in the fact that playgroups and their courses have obliterated the barriers of education, politics, income, culture, coloux, class and creed because the point of unity is at the greatest depth of human experience - we have all been children, most of ue can remember being mothered and fathered, most of us can remember how we played, and most of us are parents ourselves (but are very careful not to exclude those who may not be for one of many reasons).

Tbe learning is based on our shared experience of living, which is difficult, and trying to bring up our children, nhich is more difficult still.

The playgroup movement brought parents together for their children's sake and for mutual support and learning; the learning couldn't begin until people felt free to be honest! when they were honest they admitted their repressed violent feelings and areas of ignorance; then t'ey developed an insatiable appetite for learning on courses, and by putting it into practice in a master/apprentice relationship in their playgroups. A very old wheel has turned full circle.