Human Resource Association of Central Connecticut

Human Resource AssociationHuman Resource Associationofof

Central ConnecticutCentral Connecticut

Managing ConflictManaging Conflict

Tom Neal July 24, 2012Tom Neal July 24, 2012


Discussion PointsDiscussion Points

The Five Styles of Conflict ResolutionThe Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

How to Avoid MisunderstandingsHow to Avoid Misunderstandings

Dealing with Difficult PeopleDealing with Difficult People

The Cost of Unresolved ConflictThe Cost of Unresolved Conflict


DefinitionDefinition

Conflict: A disagreement between Conflict: A disagreement between two or more individuals or groups.two or more individuals or groups.


Conflict Conflict

is is

InevitableInevitable

Managing Conflict Managing Conflict

The Five Styles of Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution



1.) Withdraw: No Way:1.) Withdraw: No Way:

Avoid the conflict by pretending that it doesn't exist, Avoid the conflict by pretending that it doesn't exist, or refrain from engaging in what seems to be an or refrain from engaging in what seems to be an inevitable argument. inevitable argument.

If the conflict is not addressed and resolved, it will If the conflict is not addressed and resolved, it will inevitably grow. inevitably grow.

Although not considered to be a positive approach to Although not considered to be a positive approach to resolving conflict, conflict avoidance is recommended resolving conflict, conflict avoidance is recommended when the potential for harm exists to any of the when the potential for harm exists to any of the parties involved. parties involved.



2.) Give In:2.) Give In: Your Way:Your Way:

Accommodate your partner by accepting her/his point Accommodate your partner by accepting her/his point of view or suggestion. of view or suggestion.

You allow the other to have his/her own way. You allow the other to have his/her own way.

Giving in does not address or resolve conflict. Giving in does not address or resolve conflict. Continually giving in can erode your negotiating Continually giving in can erode your negotiating position in future conflicts. position in future conflicts.



3.) Stand Your Ground:3.) Stand Your Ground: My Way:My Way:

Compete with the other party and ensure that you win Compete with the other party and ensure that you win the argument. the argument.

You stand your ground and decide not to give-in on You stand your ground and decide not to give-in on any points. any points.

This is a competitive style of conflict management This is a competitive style of conflict management which offers short-term gains but lacks the which offers short-term gains but lacks the opportunity to create working relationships which opportunity to create working relationships which could offer long-term advantages. could offer long-term advantages.



4.) Compromise:4.) Compromise: Half Way:Half Way:

Find a middle ground in which you both give up some Find a middle ground in which you both give up some ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied. ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied.

The risks to compromising include obtaining The risks to compromising include obtaining something you don’t need while leaving something on something you don’t need while leaving something on the negotiating table that you do. the negotiating table that you do.



5.) Collaborate:5.) Collaborate: Our Way:Our Way:

Talk and listen to the other party. Talk and listen to the other party.

Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of agreement. agreement.

Ensure that other parties understand and Ensure that other parties understand and acknowledge each other's positions. acknowledge each other's positions.

Consider ways to resolve the problem without any Consider ways to resolve the problem without any concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration can result in long-term gains such as committed can result in long-term gains such as committed relationships.relationships.


How to Avoid How to Avoid MisunderstandingMisunderstanding


How to Avoid MisunderstandingHow to Avoid Misunderstanding

In conflict situations, avoiding misunderstanding In conflict situations, avoiding misunderstanding takes a lot of effort. Roger Fisher and William Ury, takes a lot of effort. Roger Fisher and William Ury, the authors of “Getting to Yes” list four skills that can the authors of “Getting to Yes” list four skills that can improve communication in conflict situations.improve communication in conflict situations.



1.) The first is 1.) The first is active listeningactive listening. The goal of active listening, they . The goal of active listening, they say, is to understand your opponent as well as you understand say, is to understand your opponent as well as you understand yourself. yourself.

Pay close attention to what the other side is saying. Ask the Pay close attention to what the other side is saying. Ask the opponent to clarify or repeat anything that is unclear or seems opponent to clarify or repeat anything that is unclear or seems unreasonable (maybe it isn't, but you are interpreting it wrong). unreasonable (maybe it isn't, but you are interpreting it wrong).



2.) Fisher and Ury's second rule is to 2.) Fisher and Ury's second rule is to speak directly to your speak directly to your opponentopponent. This is not considered appropriate in some cultures, . This is not considered appropriate in some cultures, but when permitted, it helps to increase understanding. but when permitted, it helps to increase understanding.

Avoid being distracted by others, or by other things going on in Avoid being distracted by others, or by other things going on in the same room. Focus on what you have to say, and on saying the same room. Focus on what you have to say, and on saying it in a way that your opponent can understand. it in a way that your opponent can understand.



3.) Their third rule is to 3.) Their third rule is to speak about yourself, not about your speak about yourself, not about your opponentopponent. Describe your own feelings and perceptions, rather . Describe your own feelings and perceptions, rather than focusing on your opponent's motives, misdeeds, or failings. than focusing on your opponent's motives, misdeeds, or failings.

By saying, "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your By saying, "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your promise," you will convey the same information, in a way that promise," you will convey the same information, in a way that does not provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your does not provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your opponent. opponent.



4.) Fisher and Ury's fourth rule is "4.) Fisher and Ury's fourth rule is "speak for a purposespeak for a purpose." Too ." Too much communication can be counter productive, they warn. much communication can be counter productive, they warn.

Before you make a significant statement, pause and consider Before you make a significant statement, pause and consider what you want to communicate, why you want to communicate what you want to communicate, why you want to communicate that, and how you can do it in the clearest possible way. that, and how you can do it in the clearest possible way.


Dealing with that Dealing with that

Difficult PersonDifficult Person


Dealing with that Difficult PersonDealing with that Difficult Person

Difficult people are insecure. They want you to think and live like Difficult people are insecure. They want you to think and live like they think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel they think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if you are tense and unhappy.better if you are tense and unhappy.

Here are 7 facts you can use when difficult people are on the Here are 7 facts you can use when difficult people are on the prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:



1. I am not an actor who must obey your script.1. I am not an actor who must obey your script.

The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that you get stressful and frustrated. you get stressful and frustrated.

Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim! Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim!



2. I just cannot afford you any more.2. I just cannot afford you any more.

This fact reminds you that some relationships carry much too This fact reminds you that some relationships carry much too high a price. You have to let go. high a price. You have to let go.

There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot afford the relationship any more. afford the relationship any more.



3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful.3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful.

Here is how you can heal your perceptions. Here is how you can heal your perceptions.

This fact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength. This fact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength.

Work with this fact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom Work with this fact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom and self-command. and self-command.

You'll never again cringe before an angry person.You'll never again cringe before an angry person.



4. You don't know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from 4. You don't know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from you.you.

You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed in it, you're above it now. in it, you're above it now.

You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an immature adult. immature adult.

With this fact, your life is in your power!With this fact, your life is in your power!



5. I will not injure you by doing your work.5. I will not injure you by doing your work.

Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. They are difficult precisely because they have refused self-They are difficult precisely because they have refused self-responsibility. responsibility.

We harm adults when we do things for them that they must do We harm adults when we do things for them that they must do for themselves. for themselves.



6. I sense a lot of anger in your gloom.6. I sense a lot of anger in your gloom.

This fact is in the same category as number 3 above, "I see This fact is in the same category as number 3 above, "I see your rage as childish, not forceful." your rage as childish, not forceful."

It is called "reframing." Reframing teaches us to see things It is called "reframing." Reframing teaches us to see things through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective method for self-renewal.method for self-renewal.

It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. But we have to be wise! But we have to be wise!



7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone.7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone.

A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It's what they A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It's what they want, not what you want. With this fact you can stay in your own want, not what you want. With this fact you can stay in your own clear skies.clear skies.

If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what can they do about it? can they do about it?

The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative ropes they toss. ropes they toss.

Tom RussellTom Russell


The Cost The Cost

of of

Unresolved ConflictUnresolved Conflict



Conflict Can Be Physically PainfulConflict Can Be Physically Painful Research on social exclusion shows that the pain of loneliness and Research on social exclusion shows that the pain of loneliness and

social rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that social rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that processes physical pain. processes physical pain.

This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one can actually be This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one can actually be physicallyphysically painful. painful.

If you're involved in a relationship that includes significant conflict and If you're involved in a relationship that includes significant conflict and repeated feelings of rejection, you probably already know that you're repeated feelings of rejection, you probably already know that you're also experiencing physical pain on a regular basis. also experiencing physical pain on a regular basis.



Unacknowledged Conflict Can Still Hurt YouUnacknowledged Conflict Can Still Hurt You

Relationships in which people ‘never fight’ aren’t always as blissful as Relationships in which people ‘never fight’ aren’t always as blissful as they seem. they seem.

In real life, conflict is inevitable, and resolving it effectively can often be In real life, conflict is inevitable, and resolving it effectively can often be a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them closer. closer.

Relationships in which anger is suppressed and unacknowledged by Relationships in which anger is suppressed and unacknowledged by one or both partners can actually be unhealthy -- literally. one or both partners can actually be unhealthy -- literally.

Managing Conflict Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved ConflictThe Cost of Unresolved Conflict

Forgive and Forget: Forgive and Forget:

If resolving the conflict seems impossible or too costly to attempt, you need If resolving the conflict seems impossible or too costly to attempt, you need to protect yourself from the long-term effects of unresolved conflict. to protect yourself from the long-term effects of unresolved conflict.

It’s probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go. It’s probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go.

Forgiving doesn’t mean opening yourself up to being wronged again or that Forgiving doesn’t mean opening yourself up to being wronged again or that you have condoned the behavior that created the conflict.you have condoned the behavior that created the conflict.

It means that you have decided that carrying the weight of anger and It means that you have decided that carrying the weight of anger and frustration associated with unresolved conflict is too heavy a weight to frustration associated with unresolved conflict is too heavy a weight to continue to bear. continue to bear.

You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you’ll be the one to benefit the most. actively harboring resentment, and you’ll be the one to benefit the most.

Managing Conflict Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved ConflictThe Cost of Unresolved Conflict Cut The Person Out of Your Life: Cut The Person Out of Your Life:

If what the other person did was abusive and there’s absolutely no If what the other person did was abusive and there’s absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person, or cut off contact can severely limit your dealings with this person, or cut off contact altogether. altogether.

This is normally a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it’s This is normally a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it’s sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.

In any event, in relationships that may cause harm to you or others, In any event, in relationships that may cause harm to you or others, limiting the number victims may mean removing yourself from the limiting the number victims may mean removing yourself from the equation.equation.


Truth springs from Truth springs from

arguments amongst friends.arguments amongst friends.

David HumeDavid Hume


Tom Neal – [email protected] Neal – [email protected]

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Human Resource Association of Central Connecticut