How To Communicate With How To Communicate With And Attach To Your ChildAnd Attach To Your Child

Stephanie Fidler, PsyDLicensed Psychologist

God did not give you a spirit of God did not give you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of POWER, fear, but a spirit of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DICIPLINE!!!LOVE, and SELF-DICIPLINE!!!2 Tim. 1:72 Tim. 1:7

Discussion QuestionsDiscussion Questions

1.What is your most embarrassing parent/child moment? OR What is your favorite family tradition?

2. What do you hope to learn from this presentation?

TopicsTopics

What is healthy attachment and how do I know if there are problems?

What techniques help with healthy attachment? Guidelines for overall parenting and self-care What special considerations should be given for

transracial adoption? How do I talk with my child about adoption

during different developmental stages?

Healthy AttachmentHealthy Attachment

“Attachment is defined as the affectional tie between two people This bond becomes internally representative of how the child will form relationship with the world.” (Thomas, 2005)

“The initial relationship between self and others serves as blueprints for all future relationships.” (Bowlby, 1973)

Signs of Healthy Signs of Healthy AttachmentAttachmentWilling to look parents in the eye when

talkingWilling to take responsibilityAbility to control impulsesUnderstands cause and affect relationshipsAbility to carry on meaningful

conversationDevelopmentally appropriate truth tellingShows appropriate fear of strangers

Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way.

Consistently sleeps well and peacefully. Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his

parent happy. Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him

when in pain or sick; easily consoled. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full. Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends

(discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.) Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver. Shows appropriate stranger anxiety. Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary

caregiver but is able to be reassured. Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and

physical contact. -A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD [ Back ]  

Signs of Healthy Attachment Even children who are experiencing attachment strain may have some of these signs of healthy attachment. Knowledge of positive attachment will help parents build on the areas that are strengths, but should not be used to ignore indications—even mild ones--that a baby/child is experiencing difficulty.

Joyful the majority of the time. Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs. Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver. Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--

both close & distant proximity. When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing

signs of being happy with the interaction. Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror. Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver

(interactions initiated by both parent and child.) Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily

consoled by primary caregiver. Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.

Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture.

Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away.

Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return.

Can co-sleep without major difficulty. Prefers primary caregiver to all others. Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.) Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary

caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time. Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver. Enjoys skin on skin contact.

and physical contact. Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and

interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.

Is gentle to self and others. Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time. Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of

time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns.

Speech/language skills are developing appropriately. Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent

can soothe child. “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective. Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.) Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.) Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)

Attachment ScreenerAttachment Screener

When to seek helpWhen to seek help

As a parent, you will likely feel that something is ‘off”, or your child is ‘different’.

Consider professional help if multiple symptoms are present from the list.

Treatment prior to age 12 has much higher success rates.

Finding a TherapistFinding a Therapist

A willingness to work with the mother and child

• Strong and able to be in charge• History of working with attachment and

specific training

For Help Finding a TherapistFor Help Finding a Therapist

Attach.org

Healthy Attachment TechniquesHealthy Attachment Techniques

InfantsSeriousGeneral

InfantsInfants Breastfeed if possible ALWAYS hold the bottle (never prop) Carry baby in sling ATLEAST 6 hours per day Massage baby 20 minutes per day smiling and using soft voice Use positive verbal and auditory cues during feeding Respond to attempts for attention with joy Delay painful medical procedure if possible Play soothing music Baby should sleep near parents (some say with) Only mom and dad feed baby Use front facing stroller Skin to skin contact Hold and rock daily using verbal, auditory, and tactile

Nancy Thomas (2005)

Serious TechniquesSerious Techniques

Strong SittingThe parent is in charge of physical

affectionTherapeutic ridingSnuggle time (love, laughter, and

kindness)

Strong SittingStrong Sitting

Describe as “Amazingly Powerful”Supposed to help the brain “shift gears”Sit on floor, back straight, hands folded,

and neck straightQuiet and no distractions

How long?How long?

One minute for every year of life

What does it do?What does it do?

Helps to develop love, attachment, logic, and reasoning

Strong Sitting causes the brain to shift to and develop these underdeveloped parts

Each minute spent doing this correctly exercises the love and logic parts of the brain!!!! (Thomas, 2005)

Snuggle TimeSnuggle Time

TouchMovementEye ContactSugarSmile!!

Snuggle Time DemonstrationSnuggle Time Demonstration

General TechniquesGeneral Techniques

Learn to speak the Five Love LanguagesI Love You Rituals

The Five Love Languages of The Five Love Languages of ChildrenChildren

Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

5 Love Languages5 Love Languages

1. Physical Touch2. Words of Affirmation3. Gifts4. Quality Time5. Acts of Service

How many hugs should you give How many hugs should you give your child per day????your child per day????2812

Love Language Interview #1Love Language Interview #1

Love Language Interview #2Love Language Interview #2

Love Language Interview #3Love Language Interview #3

I Love You RitualsI Love You RitualsBecky A. Bailey, PH.D.

I Love You RitualsI Love You Rituals

Children ages 0-8Boost brain potentialEncourage cooperation and caringPromote learning and literacyIncrease attention and decrease power

strugglesBuild bonds of unconditional love

Good Ritual TimesGood Ritual Times

Wake upBed timeSpecial time (b-days, losing a tooth,

graduation)“Hello” and “Goodbye”Before and after school

Fun RitualsFun Rituals

Tell Me When I Am At The End“Mr. Sun”Blanket Volleyball

How many hugs per day????How many hugs per day????12

Parenting and self-careParenting and self-careThis is a must!!!!

Self-Care BasicsSelf-Care Basics

Sleep Physical Food Exercise Spiritual food Breaks Support System Nurture a strong marital

relationship Hobby/Identity outside

of being a parent

SleepSleepMinimum of 7 Ideal of 8 or 9

Physical FoodPhysical Food

4-6 small meals a dayLimit caffeineEat as much whole food as possibleLimit carbs and sugar

HobbiesHobbies

What do you enjoy doing?

Spiritual FoodSpiritual Food

Make a commitment to spend time daily with God.

How much??Approximately 76 times, Jesus states, “I

tell you the truth.”

BreaksBreaks

Parents need at least one outing per week either together or separate

5 minute breaks are priceless!!Couples need at least 2 dates per monthHow many times did Jesus “Rest”?

How many hugs per day???How many hugs per day???

12

SupportSupport

GroupFriendsFamilySpouse

ExerciseExercise

Minimum 30 minutes 5 X per weekIncrease production of neurotransmittersNumerous studies prove exercise has same

efficacy as anti-depressant if consistent over 1 month

Setting a good example

Strong marital relationshipStrong marital relationship

God first, spouse second, kids third

Healthy Marriage ListHealthy Marriage List

Transracial Adoption: Special Transracial Adoption: Special considerationsconsiderationsEducate and openly discuss ethnic heritage

teaching the child to feel good with how God made them.

Teach 0 tolerance regarding racism!!Prepare children for stupid questions and

comments.Respect the child’s right to privacy

Focus of open communicationFocus of open communication

Adoption StoryHow to react to others Educate about racism in our society

Specific Suggestions for ParentsSpecific Suggestions for ParentsGail Steinberg & Beth Hall

Do everything in your power to Do everything in your power to make friends with at least one make friends with at least one family who shares your child’s family who shares your child’s racial heritageracial heritage

Join in recreational, religious, or Join in recreational, religious, or educational groups or activities educational groups or activities with members of your child’s racial with members of your child’s racial or ethnic group.or ethnic group.

Shop; go to restaurants, movies, Shop; go to restaurants, movies, and beauty/barber shops with and beauty/barber shops with people of your child’s heritage.people of your child’s heritage.

Seek out special events such as Seek out special events such as museum exhibits, street fairs, museum exhibits, street fairs, musical productions that are likely musical productions that are likely to be attended by people of your to be attended by people of your child’s heritage.child’s heritage.

Choose professionals of the same Choose professionals of the same ethnicity. (doctors dentist, teacher, ethnicity. (doctors dentist, teacher, etc.)etc.)

Choose schools with diversity in Choose schools with diversity in mindmind

Join adoptive parent groups with Join adoptive parent groups with other transracially adoptive other transracially adoptive families, especially families with families, especially families with similar background to your child.similar background to your child.

““Nearly a dozen studies Nearly a dozen studies consistently indicate that consistently indicate that approximately 75% of transracially approximately 75% of transracially adopted pre-adolescent and adopted pre-adolescent and younger children adjust well in younger children adjust well in their adoptive homes. (Silverman, their adoptive homes. (Silverman, 1993)1993)

The ChallengeThe Challenge

Find the balance between talking to much about differences and not talking enough.

How many hugs?How many hugs?

Communicating About AdoptionCommunicating About Adoption

Most important: LISTEN carefully and provide specific/short answers

Kids will typically be satisfied with direct answers specific to what they ask

Create an environment that encourages open discussion

You MUST attempt to have an understanding of your child’s perspective.

Pre-School YearsPre-School Years

BooksAdoption bookUse appropriate termsWhen the communication starts early,

children do not remember being toldBring up adoption occasionally even if

your child does not

Ways to work into conversationWays to work into conversation

“The day we adopted you, we took a million pictures!”

“When we adopted you, we lived in Dallas.”

“It was a beautiful spring day when we brought you home.”

““Talking to Your Child About Talking to Your Child About Adoption” Schaefer Publishing, PO Adoption” Schaefer Publishing, PO Box 7487, Santa Cruz, CA 95061 Box 7487, Santa Cruz, CA 95061 $7.75$7.75

Most ImportantMost Important

TimingToneContent

Remember, open, honest, direct, and keep it question specific. Otherwise, you may give too much information

Communication VideoCommunication Video

Casual commentary gives your Casual commentary gives your child permission to discuss child permission to discuss adoption when he feels like it adoption when he feels like it (Dorner)(Dorner)

Where to Get More InformationWhere to Get More Information

Attach.orgDaniel Hughes (author) Nancy Thomas

(author)Adoption.org