When you and I try to convince someone to change, we call it persuasion. When someone tries to get you to do something that you dont want to do, you call it nagging. Our double-standard in nomenclature aside, whether we giving or receiving it, we know it doesnt work. I just checked Amazon there are no published books that showcase nagging as either a leadership skill or an effective influence strategy. So with the vast supply of nagging produced every day in the world, youd think there would be a massive body of research demonstrating its efficacy. But there isnt.

We tend to use it when a) we care a lot; and b) we are short of alternatives.

But theres hope. There is, in fact, a growing literature on a far more effective way of helping people change who dont appear to want to change.[1] The approach is called motivational interviewing.

The basic idea is this: When youre trying to influence people who need motivation, but not information, dont offer more information. Thats nagging. Most people dont need more reasons to change. So stop offering them. Instead, use questions to create a safe environment where they can explore motivations they already have.

For example, suppose you want your spouse to improve his fitness. How would he respond to a lecture? Hed get defensive, right? So instead, try asking a question. The first question is about his level of motivation. For example, On a scale of 1-10, how important is it to increase your fitness? Lets say he answers, I dont know, maybe a 4. Heres where you have to be careful. Most of us at this point would try to nag by listing reasons it should be a 10. Motivational interviewing is about supporting and developing the motives they already have.

So, you might next say, Wowa 4, huh. Why not a 1? What makes it as high as that? Dont pressure, just interview. Explore. Come to understand their motivations.

The problem with reminding people of facts they already know is that it feels patronizing (to talk to someone in a way that shows that you believe you are more intelligent or better than other) or controlling. Peoples natural response is to resist and exert their independence. Psychologists call this reactance.

Think about how we usually try to get smokers to quit. Most smokers already have a grasp of the facts. Theyve read the warning labels and theyve seen the public service announcements. More lectures arent likely to be very influential. My fellow BS Guy (thats Behavioral Science) David Maxfield and I just finished a fascinating field study to test this idea. Have a look here if you want to see motivational interviewing in action.

We hired two boys to be our confederates. They approached smokers on the street to see if they could get them to consider quitting. In the nag condition, they used the traditional lecture approach, and then asked the smoker if theyd like information on how to quit. In this condition, 90 percent of the smokers responded resentfully, and fewer than half took the paper with the information on how to quit.

In the ask condition, the confederates carried fake cigarettes, and asked the smoker for a light. The smokers reactions were dramatic. None offered a light, and none ignored the request. Instead, they stopped what they were doing, and began lecturing the kids on the dangers of smoking. The question prompted strong anti-smoking tiradesfrom the smokers themselves!

Then the kids asked a second influential question: If you care about us, what about you? Then they offered the information on how to quit. In this condition, 90 percent of the smokers committed to trying to quit.

Did the smokers really quit? We dont know. However, when the ad giant Ogilvy & Mather originated this study in Bangkok, Thailand, calls to the helpline went up 40 percent on the day of the experimentshowing that the influence extended beyond words to action.

Try this technique the next time you want to help someone take on a difficult change. Instead of repeating facts they already know, try asking questions. The goal is to allow them to explore their own motivations without feeling pushed by you. Below are a few questions you might try.

What is it that makes you even consider changing?If things worked out exactly the way you want, what would be different?What are the pluses and minuses of changing or not changing?If this change were easy, would you want to make it? What makes it hard?

Good Luck!