How to Be an Alien - g. Mikes

7/25/2019 How to Be an Alien - g. Mikes

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How To Be An Alien

A Handbook for Beginners and More Advanced Pupils - By George Mikes [1912-198!"Publis#ed by $inga%e& 'ondon ( )* 19+,

Penguin fac%s#ee% on George Mikes

Contents

Preface

.#ap%er 1 - Ho/ 0o Be a General Alien

o A $arning 0o Beginners n%roduc%ion 0#e $ea%#er3oul and

4nders%a%e5en%0ea 3e6 A $ord on 3o5e Publis#ers 0#e 'anguage

Ho/ )o% %o be .leverHo/ %o be 7ude Ho/ %o .o5pro5ise Ho/ %obe a Hypocri%e Abou% 3i5ple oys 0#e )a%ional Passion 0#ree 35all

Poin%s

.#ap%er 2 - Ho/ 0o Be a Par%icular Alieno A Bloo5sbury n%ellec%ual Mayfair Playboy Ho/ %o be a il5 Producer

:riving .ars 0#ree Ga5es for Bus :riversHo/ %o Plan a 0o/n .ivil

3ervan% ournalis5 f )a%uralised

Preface

; #ave seen 5uc# %o #a%e #ere& 5uc# %o forgive"

Bu% in a /orld /#ere nly

during %#e firs% 2, years of 5y life /as no% a/are of %#is plain fac%" /as living in 5yo/n coun%ry& a coun%ry full of aliens& and no%iced no%#ing par%icular or irregular abou%

5yself? %#en ca5e %o f course 0#e gravi%a%ion cons%an% is %#e accelera%ion per second

%#a% a 5ass of one gra5 causes a% a dis%ance of once cen%i5e%re"; *ou /ere also %aug#%%#a% a5es $a%% one day /en% in%o %#e ki%c#en /#ere cabbage /as cooking and sa/ %#e

lid of %#e saucepan rise and fall" ;)o/ le% 5e %#ink&; #e 5ur5ured - ;le% 5e %#ink"; 0#en

#e s%ruck #is fore#ead and %#e s%ea5 engine /as discovered" % /as %#e sa5e /i%# 5e&al%#oug# circu5s%ances /ere ra%#er differen%"
http://www.penguinreaders.com/downloads/0582416868.pdfhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Prefacehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Generalhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Warninghttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Introductionhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Weatherhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Soulhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Soulhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Soulhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Teahttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Teahttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Sexhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Publishershttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Languagehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Cleverhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Rudehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Rudehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Compromisehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Hypocritehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Hypocritehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Joyshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Passionhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Pointshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Pointshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Particularhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Intellectualhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Intellectualhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Playboyhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Producerhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Carshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Carshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Bushttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Planhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Planhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Civilhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Civilhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Journalismhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Naturalisedhttp://www.penguinreaders.com/downloads/0582416868.pdfhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Prefacehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Generalhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Warninghttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Introductionhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Weatherhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Soulhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Soulhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Teahttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Sexhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Publishershttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Languagehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Cleverhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Rudehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Compromisehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Hypocritehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Hypocritehttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Joyshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Passionhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Pointshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Pointshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Particularhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Intellectualhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Playboyhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Producerhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Carshttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Bushttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Planhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Civilhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Civilhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Journalismhttp://f2.org/humour/howalien.html#Naturalised


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% /as like %#is" 3o5e years ago spen% a lo% of %i5e /i%# a young lady /#o /as very

proud and conscious of being n 3undays on %#e .on%inen% even %#e poores% person pu%s on #is bes% sui%& %ries %o look

respec%able& and a% %#e sa5e %i5e %#e life of %#e coun%ry beco5es gay and c#eerful? in


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;'ovely day& isnE% i%; a% leas% %/o #undred %i5es a day& you are considered a bi% dull" >n

%#e .on%inen% 3unday papers appear on Monday? in n a con%inen%al bus approac#ing a re=ues%-s%op %#e conduc%or rings %#e bell if #e /an%s

%#e bus %o go on /i%#ou% s%opping? in n %#e .on%inen% people #ave good food? in n %#e .on%inen% learned persons love %o

=uo%e Aris%o%le& Horace& Mon%aigne and s#o/ off %#eir kno/ledge? in


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1" f #e s%re%c#es ou% #is #and in order %o s#ake yours& you 5us% no% accep% i%" 35ile

vaguely& and as soon as #e gives up #ope of s#aking you by %#e #and& you s%re%c# ou%

yours and %ry %o ca%c# hisin vain" 0#is ga5e is repea%ed un%il %#e grea%er par% of %#eaf%ernoon or evening #as elapsed" % is e6%re5ely likely %#a% %#is /ill be %#e 5os% a5using

par% of %#e af%ernoon or evening& any/ay"

2" >nce %#e in%roduc%ion #as been 5ade you #ave %o in=uire af%er %#e #eal%# of your ne/

ac=uain%ance"

0ry %#e %#ing in your o/n language" n%roduce %#e persons& le% us say& in renc# and

5ur5ur %#eir na5es" 3#ould %#ey s#ake #ands and ask

;.o55en% alleD-vous;

;.o55en% alleD-vous; - i% /ill be a capi%al @oke& re5e5bered %ill %#eir las% days"

:o no% forge%& #o/ever& %#a% your ne/ friend /#o 5akes %#is %ouc#ingly kind en=uiryaf%er your s%a%e of #eal%# does no% care in %#e leas% /#e%#er you are /ell and kicking or

dying of deliriu5 %re5ens" A dialogue like %#is

He ;Ho/ dEyou do;

*ou ;General s%a%e of #eal%# fairly sa%isfac%ory" 3lig#% inso5nia and a ra%#er bad corn on

lef% foo%" Blood pressure lo/& diges%ion slo/ bu% nor5al";

- /ell& suc# a dialogue /ould be unforgivable"

n %#e ne6% p#ase& you 5us% no% say ;Please %o 5ee% you"; 0#is is one of %#e very fe/ liesyou 5us% never u%%er because& for so5e unkno/n reason& i% is considered vulgar" *ou

5us% no% say ;Please %o 5ee% you&; even if your are defini%ely disgus%ed /i%# %#e 5an"

A fe/ general re5arks

a :o no% click your #eels& do no% bo/& leave off gy5nas%ic and c#oreograp#ic e6ercises

al%oge%#er for %#e 5o5en%"

b :o no% call foreign la/yers& %eac#ers& den%is%s& co55ercial %ravellers and es%a%e agen%s

;:oc%or";


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The Weather

0#is is %#e 5os% i5por%an% %opic in %#e land" :o no% be 5isled by 5e5ories of your you%#/#en& on %#e .on%inen%& /an%ing %o describe so5eone as e6cep%ionally dull& you

re5arked ;He is %#e %ype /#o /ould discuss %#e /ea%#er /i%# you"; n r /as i% in 1928;

;*es& i% /as";

;>r in 19I9;

;*es& %#a%Es rig#%";

)o/ observe %#e las% fe/ sen%ences of %#is conversa%ion" A very i5por%an% rule e5ergesfro5 i%" *ou 5us% never con%radic% anybody /#en discussing %#e /ea%#er" 3#ould i% #ail

and sno/& s#ould #urricanes uproo% %#e %rees fro5 %#e sides of %#e road& and s#ould

so5eone re5ark %o you ;)ice day& isnE% i%; - ans/er /i%#ou% #esi%a%ion ;snE% i% lovely;

'earn %#e above conversa%ion by #ear%" f you are a bi% slo/ in picking %#ings up& learn a%leas% one conversa%ion& i% /ould do /onderfully for any occasion"

f you do no% say any%#ing else for %#e res% of your life& @us% repea% %#is conversa%ion& you

s%ill #ave a fair c#ance of passing as a re5arkably /i%%y 5an of s#arp in%ellec%& keen

observa%ion and e6%re5ely pleasan% 5anners"


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*ou 5us% no% forge% %#a% far5ers do grand /ork of na%ional i5por%ance and deserve be%%er

/ea%#er"

% #appened on innu5erable occasions %#a% nice& /ar5 /ea%#er #ad been forecas% and rainand sno/ fell all day long& or vice verse" 3o5e people @u5ped ras#ly %o %#e conclusion

%#a% so5e%#ing 5us% be /rong /i%# %#e /ea%#er forecas%s" 0#ey are 5is%aken and s#ould

be 5ore careful /i%# %#eir allega%ions"

#ave read an ar%icle in one of %#e 3unday papers and no/ can %ell you /#a% %#esi%ua%ion really is" All %roubles are caused by an%i-cyclones" donE% =ui%e kno/ /#a% an%i-

cyclones are& bu% %#is is no% i5por%an%? #a%e cyclones and very an%i-cyclone 5yself" 0#e

%/o naug#%ies% an%i-cyclones are %#e ADores and %#e Polar an%i-cyclones"

0#e Bri%is# 5e%eorologis%s forecas% %#e right/ea%#er - as i% reallyshouldbe - and %#en

%#ese i5per%inen% li%%le an%i-cyclones in%erfere and 5ess up every%#ing"

0#a% again proves %#a% if %#e Bri%is# kep% %o %#e5selves and did no% 5i6 /i%# foreign

%#ings like Polar and ADores an%i-cyclones %#ey /ould be 5uc# be%%er off"

#oul and $nderstateent

oreigners #ave souls? %#e r ;$#en a5 alone in %#e fores% a% nig#%-%i5e and @u5p fro5 one %ree

%o ano%#er& of%en %#ink %#a% life is so s%range";

All %#is is very deep and @us% soul& no%#ing else"

0#e f%en& %o give a li%%le 5ore e5p#asis %o %#e s%a%e5en%& #e s#oo%s #i5self on %#e spo%" 0#is


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is a nor5al& /eek-day declara%ion of love in %#e 5ore %e5pera5en%al con%inen%al

coun%ries" n vers%a%e5en%& %oo& plays a considerable par% in n %#e con%rary& you #ave %o declare /i%# your bes% five oEclock s5ile;0#ank you so 5uc#" do adore a cup of early 5orning %ea& especially early in %#e

5orning"; f %#ey leave you alone /i%# %#e li=uid& you 5ay pour i% do/n %#e /as#basin"

0#en you #ave %ea for breakfas%? %#en you #ave %ea a% 11 oEclock in %#e 5orning? %#en af%erlunc#? %#en you #ave %ea for %ea? %#en af%er supper? and again a% 11 oEclock a% nig#%"

*ou 5us% no% refuse addi%ional cups of %ea under %#e follo/ing circu5s%ances if i% is #o%?

if i% is cold? if you are %ired? if anybody %#inks you 5ig#% be %ired? if you are nervous? if

you are gay? before you go ou%? if you are ou%? if you #ave @us% re%urned #o5e? if you feel


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like i%? if you do no% feel like i%? if you #ave #ad no %ea for so5e %i5e? if you #ave @us% #ad

a cup"

*ou defini%ely 5us% no% follo/ 5y e6a5ple" sleep a% five oEclock in %#e 5orning? #avecoffee for breakfas%? drink innu5erable cups of black coffee during %#e day? #ave %#e

5os% unor%#odo6 and e6o%ic %eas even a% %ea-%i5e"

0#e o%#er day& for ins%ance - @us% 5en%ion %#is as a %errifying e6a5ple %o s#o/ you #o/

lo/ so5e people can sink - /an%ed a cup of coffee and a piece of c#eese for %ea" % /asone of %#ose e6cep%ionally #o% days and 5y /ife once a good


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ano%#er five %#ousand and ye% ano%#er fif%y %#ousand and s%ill you 5ay co5e across a

fur%#er fif%y %#ousand you #ave never #eard before& and nobody else ei%#er"

f you live #ere long enoug# you /ill find ou% %o your grea% a5aDe5en% %#a% %#e ad@ec%iveniceis no% %#e only ad@ec%ive %#a% %#e language possesses& in spi%e of %#e fac% %#a% in %#e

firs% %#ree years you do no% need %o learn any o%#er ad@ec%ives" *ou can say %#e /ea%#er isnice& a res%auran% is nice& Mr" 3oandso is nice& Mrs" 3oandsoEs clo%#es are nice& you #ad a

nice %i5e& and all %#is /ill be very nice"

0#en you #ave %o decide on your accen%" *ou /ill #ave your foreign accen%& all rig#%& bu%

5any people like %o 5i6 i% /i%# so5e%#ing else" kne/ a Polis# e/ /#o #ad a s%rong

*iddis#-ris# accen%" People found i% fascina%ing %#oug# slig#%ly e6aggera%ed" 0#e easies%/ay %o give %#e i5pression of #aving a good accen% or no foreign accen% is %o #old an

unli% pipe in your 5ou%#& %o 5u%%er be%/een your %ee%# and finis# all your sen%ences /i%#

%#e =ues%ion ;isnE% i%; People /ill no% unders%and 5uc#& bu% %#ey are accus%o5ed %o %#a%

and %#ey /ill ge% a 5os% e6cellen% i5pression"

#ave kno/n =ui%e a nu5ber of foreigners /#o %ried #ard %o ac=uire an >6ford accen%"

0#e advan%age of %#is is %#a% you give %#e i5pression of being per5anen%ly in %#e

co5pany of >6fords dons and lec%urers on 5ediaeval nu5is5a%ics? %#e disadvan%age is

%#a% %#e per5anen% singing is ra%#er a s%rain on your %#roa% and %#a% i% is a %ype ofaffec%a%ion %#a% even 5any


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Bu% even in .urDon 3%ree% socie%y& if you say& for ins%ance& %#a% you are a tough guy%#ey

/ill consider you a vulgar& irri%a%ing and ob@ec%ionable person" 3#ould you declare&

#o/ever& %#a% you are an inquisitorial and peremptory homo sapiens& %#ey /ill #ave noidea /#a% you 5ean& bu% %#ey /ill feel in %#eir bones %#a% you 5us% be so5e%#ing

/onderful"

$#en you kno/ all %#e long /ords i% is advisable %o s%ar% learning so5e of %#e s#or% ones

%oo"

*ou s#ould be careful /#en using %#ese endless /ords" An ac=uain%ance of 5ine once

/as for%una%e enoug# %o discover %#e 5os% i5pressive /ord nostalgiafor back-ac#e"

Mis%akenly& #o/ever& #e declared in a large co5pany

; #ave suc# a nos%algia";;>#& you /an% %o go #o5e %o )iD#ne-)ovgorod; asked #is 5os% sy5pa%#e%ic #os%ess"

;)o% a% all&; #e ans/ered" ; @us% canno% si% do/n";

inally& %#ere are %/o i5por%an% poin%s %o re5e5ber

1" :o no% forge% %#a% i% is 5uc# easier %o /ri%e in 6ford

:ic%ionary& for ins%ance& %#e /ord 5eans =uick and nea% in 5ove5en% """ skilful& %alen%ed&

ingenious" )u%%allEs :ic%ionary gives %#ese 5eanings de6%erous& skillful& ingenious& =uickor ready-/i%%ed& in%elligen%" All nice ad@ec%ives& e6pressing valuable and es%i5able

c#arac%eris%ics" A 5odern


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s#re/d& sly& fur%ive& surrep%i%ious& %reac#erous& sneaking& craf%y& un-cean and is ,KJ kilo5e%res long" ># rivers """ /#a% did Pascal say abou% %#e5 E'es

riviLres son% les c#e5ins =ui 5arc#en% """E ;

0#is po5pous& s#o/ing-off /ay of speaking is no% per5issible in #& %#ose li%%le islands """ Are %#ey Bri%is#; 0#ey usually are"

How to %e (ude

% is easy %o be rude on %#e .on%inen%" *ou @us% s#ou% and call people na5es of aDoological c#arac%er"

>n a slig#%ly #ig#er level you 5ay inven% a fe/ s%ories agains% your opponen%s" n

Budapes%& for ins%ance& /#en a ra%#er unpleasan%-looking ac%ress @oined a nudis% club& #eryounger and pre%%ier colleagues spread %#e s%ory %#a% s#e #ad been accep%ed only under

%#e condi%ion %#a% s#e /ear a fig-leaf on #er face" >r in %#e sa5e ci%y %#ere /as a pain%er


12/28

of li5i%ed abili%ies /#o /as a 5os% successful card-player" A colleague of #is re5arked

once ;$#a% a spend%#rif% All %#e 5oney #e 5akes on indus%rious ga5bling a% nig#%& #e

spends on #is pain%ing during %#e day";

n r ;0#a%Es ra%#er an unusual s%ory&

isnE% i%;

$#en so5e years ago& kno/ing %en /ords of


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/i%# %#e boredo5 of soli%ude" An average


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$#en #e realised %#a% no%#ing par%icular #ad #appened in %#e pub #e go up a li%%le

e5barrassed& flicked %#e dus% off #is sui%& and %urned %o 5e /i%# a superior and sarcas%ic

s5ile"

;Good Heavens $ere you so frig#%ened %#a% you couldnE% 5ove;

A%out #iple *o)s

% is i5por%an% %#a% you s#ould learn #o/ %o en@oy si5ple @oys& because %#a% is e6%re5ely


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A% /eek-ends an


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A cer%ain a5oun% of rudeness is =ui%e indispensable& because you #ave %o prove day and

nig#% %#a% %#e silly li%%le co55onplace rules and cus%o5s of socie%y are no% 5ean% foryou"

f you find i% %oo difficul% %o give up %#ese li%%le #abi%s - %o say& ;Hullo; and ;Ho/ dEyoudo; and ;0#ank you&; e%c" - because o/ing %o Aun%ie Be%%yEs or 0an%e Ber%#aEs s%ric%

upbringing %#ey #ave beco5e second na%ure& %#en @oin a Bloo5sbury sc#ool for bad

5anners& and af%er a for%nig#% you /ill fell no pang of conscience /#en s%eppingdelibera%ely on %#e cord of %#e venerable li%erary edi%or of a =uar%erly 5agaDine on %#e

bus"

'i%erary opinions 5us% be 5os% carefully selec%ed" 3%a%e5en%s like %#is are 5os%

i5pressive ;0#ere #ave been al%oge%#er %/o real poe%s in f course& you s#ould include& as %#e

%#ird really grea%& colossal and epoc#-5aking %alen% your o/n friend& 0" B" $illia5s&

/#ose neo-e6pressionis% poe%ry is so %erribly deep %#a% %#e over/#el5ing 5a@ori%y ofedi%ors do no% unders%and i% and refuse %o publis# i%" 0" B" $illia5s& you 5ay proudly

clai5& #as never used a co55a or a full s%op& and /#a% is 5ore& #e #as i5proved

ApollinaireEs and AragonEs pri5i%ive %ec#ni=ue by %#e fac% %#a% #e doesuse =ues%ion5arks" 0#e generous and e6%ravagan% praise of 0" B" $illia5s is absolu%ely essen%ial&

o%#er/ise /#o /ill praiseyou

As %o your o/n li%erary ac%ivi%ies& your poe5s& dra5as and grea% novels 5ay lie a% %#e

bo%%o5 of your dra/er in 5anuscrip% for5" Bu% i% is i5por%an% %#a% you s#ould publis# afe/ li%erary revie/s& scolding and disparaging every%#ing and everybody on ear%# fro5 a

very superior and #ig#-bro/ poin% of vie/& =uo%ing 3ir 0#o5as $ya%% and any%#ing in

renc# and le%%ing %#e reader feel /#a%you/ould be able %o do if you could only find a

publis#er"

3o5e prac%ical advice" % is no% difficul% %o #ave a fe/ li%erary revie/s publis#ed" Many/eeklies and 5on%#lies /ould publis# any%#ing in %#eir so-called li%erary colu5ns if i%

cos%s no%#ing" *ou 5us% no% call your ac%ions unfair co5pe%i%ion /i%# =ualified revie/ers?call i% devo%ion %o %#e ;cause"; Al5os% every paper #as a cause - if yours #as no%& inven%

one& i% is =ui%e easy" And i% really does no% 5a%%er /#a% you /ri%e" re5e5ber one B""

/ri%ing of a significan% p#ilosop#ical /ork and ad5i%%ing in %#e opening paragrap# %#a%

#e did no% unders%and i%? s%ill& suppose& %#e revie/ passed as buoyan% and alar5inglysincere"

Poli%ically you 5us% belong %o %#e e6%re5e lef%" *ou 5us%& #o/ever& bear a fe/ %#ings in

5ind

a *ou 5us% no% care a da5n abou% %#e /elfare of %#e people in %#is coun%ry or abroad&because %#a% /ould be ;prac%ical poli%ics; - and you s#ould only be in%eres%ed in %#e

ideological side of 5a%%ers"

b :o no% belong %o any par%y& because %#a% /ould be ;regi5en%a%ion"; $#a%ever

differen% par%ies ac#ieve& i% is 5uc# 5ore in%eres%ing %o cri%icise everyone %#an %o belong%o %#e #erd"


17/28

c :o no% #esi%a%e %o scorn 3ovie% 7ussia as reac%ionary and i5perialis%ic& %#e Bri%is#

'abour Par%y as a conglo5era%ion of elderly 0rade 4nion Bli5ps& %#e renc# 3ocialis%s as

;confused people&; %#e o%#er $es%ern 3ocialis% par%ies as 5eek& bourgeois clubs& %#eA5erican labour 5ove5en%s as being in %#e pay of big business? and call all republicans&

co55unis%s& anarc#is%s and ni#ilis%s ;back/ard reac%ionary cryp%o-fascis%s";

*ou s#ould also inven% a fe/ %ruly original& cons%ruc%ive %#eories %oo& suc# as

>nly Bra#5anis5 can save %#e /orld"

3piri%ualis5 is a fac%or& gro/ing i55ensely in i5por%ance& and a prac%ical&

/orking coali%ion be%/een g#os%s and 0ro%sky-i%es /ould be #ig#ly desirable"

0#e aboli%ion of all %a6a%ion /ould enric# %#e popula%ion so enor5ously %#a%

everybody /ould be able %o pay 5uc# 5ore %a6es %#an before"

inally& re5e5ber %#e 5ain poin%"Alwaysbe original % is no% as difficul% as i% sounds

you @us% #ave %o copy %#e #abi%s and sayings of a fe/ %#ousand o%#er B""s"

,a)fair Pla)%o)

i6 %#e li%%le /ord dein fron% of your na5e" % #as a re5arkable a%%rac%ion" kne/ a

cer%ain 'eo 7osenberg fro5 GraD /#o called #i5self 'eo de 7osenberg and /as a #uge

success in :eanery Me/s as a 0yrolean noble5an"

Believe %#a% %#e ai5 of life is %o #ave a nice %i5e& go %o nice places and 5ee% nice people")o/ %o #ave a nice %i5e 5eans %o #ave %/o 5ore drinks daily %#an you can carry? nice

places are %#e #alls of grea% #o%els& in%i5a%e li%%le clubs& nig#% clubs and priva%e #ouses/i%# large radiogra5s and no books#elves? nice people are %#ose /#o say silly %#ings ingood


18/28

How to %e a "il Producer

A li%%le foreign blood is very advan%ageous& al5os% essen%ial& %o beco5e a really grea%Bri%is# fil5 producer"

0#e firs% grea% ai5 of a Bri%is# fil5 producer s#ould be %o %eac# Holly/ood a lesson" :ono% be 5isled& #o/ever& by %#e e6a5ples ofHenry V" orygmalion& /#ic# %end %o prove

%#a% e6cellen% fil5s can be 5ade of grea% plays /i%#ou% c#anging %#e ou%-of-da%e /ords of3#akespeare and %#e un-fil5-like dialogues of 3#a/ by %en ;e6per%s; /#o really kno/

be%%er"

orge% %#ese 5isleading e6a5ples because i% is obvious %#a% 3#akespeare could no%possibly #ave #ad any fil5 %ec#ni=ue& and recen% researc# #as proved %#a% #e did no% even

#ave an eig#%-sea%er saloon car /i%# #is o/n unifor5ed c#auffeur"

*ou 5us% no %ouc# any %ypically A5erican sub@ec%" or ins%ance a young 5an of

.ar%#age Fen%ucky /#o can /#is%le beau%ifully goes %o %o/n& and af%er 5anydisappoin%5en%s for5s #is o/n s/ing-band and beco5es %#e leading conduc%or of )e/

*orkEs nig#% life - /#ic#& if you can %ake %#e i5plica%ion of Holly/ood fil5s seriously& is

one of %#e #ig#es% #onours /#ic# can be conferred on anyone in %#a% coun%ry" A% %#e sa5e

%i5e #e falls in love /i%# %#e cloak-roo5 a%%endan% of a drug-s%ore [2! round %#e corner& apla%inu5-blonde& ravis#ingly beau%iful& /#o sings a li%%le be%%er %#an Galli .urci and

:eanna :urbin rolled in%o one and& in secre%& #as %#e grea%es% #is%rionic %alen% of %#e

cen%ury" Af%er a las%-5inu%e scandal /i%# %#e /orld-fa5ous pri5a donna s#e saves %#efirs% nig#% of #er loverEs s#o/ in %#e presence of an audience of si6 5illion people by

singing GounodEs slig#%ly adap%ed sing ;f you /ould be my%oo%sie-boo%sie& /ould be

your%oo%sie-boo%sie;" 0#e young and 5ig#%y successful band-leader 5arries %#e girl and

e5ploys 0oscanini %o clean #is 5ou%#-organ"

>r - %o 5en%ion one 5ore e6a5ple of %#e serious and ;deep; %ype of A5erican fil5s -

%#ere is a guy& buoyan%& #appy and 5iserably poor young 5an in )e/ Golders Green

Alaba5a& /#o beco5es %re5endously ric# @us% by selling %#ousands of %rac%ors and @e%-propelled aeroplanes %o o%#er poor fello/s" 0#e ric#er #e beco5es& %#e un#appier #e is -

/#ic# is a sub%le poin% %o prove %#a% 5oney does no% 5ean #appiness& conse=uen%ly one

#ad be%%er be con%en% %o re5ain a poor labourer& possibly une5ployed" He buys seven#uge 5o%or cars and %#e priva%e planes and is bi%%er and pained? #e builds a 5agnificen%

and os%en%a%ious palace and ge%s gloo5ier and gloo5ier? and /#en %#e /o5an #e #as

loved /i%#ou% #ope for fif%een years a% las% falls in love /i%# #i5& #e breaks do/n

co5ple%ely and groans and 5oans despera%ely for %#ree days" 0o increase %#e ;deep;5eaning of %#e fil5 %#ey p#o%ograp# %#e #eroes fro5 %#e 5os% surprising angles %#e

ca5era5an cra/ls under peopleEs fee%& s/ings on %#e c#andelier& and #ides #i5self in a

bo/l of soup"


19/28

in%elligen% fil5 is no% necessarily foredoo5ed %o failure" % /as a %re5endous risk %o 5ake

e6peri5en%s based on %#is assu5p%ion& bu% i% #as proved /or%# /#ile"

0#ere are cer%ain rules you 5us% bear in 5ind if you /an% %o 5ake a really and %rulyBri%is# fil5"

1" 0#e ;cockney #ear%; #as defini%ely been discovered& i!e!%#e fac% %#a% even people

/#o drop %#eir ai%c#es #ave a #ear%" 0#e discovery /as originally 5ade by Mr"

)oel .o/ard& /#o is repor%ed %o #ave 5e% a 5an /#o kne/ so5eone /#o #adac%ually seen a cockney fro5 =ui%e near"


20/28

in Manc#es%er? %#e roug#ly KJ-KJ propor%ion be%/een drivingan average car andpushing

i% is %#e sa5e in 3ydney and '.< /ri%%en in large le%%ers in

fron% and rear& all in capi%als - li% up during %#e #ours of darkness"

2" %#ink


21/28

%#ey #ave nig#%5ares& and %#e /#o procedure is called ;spending a lovely af%ernoon in

%#e open";

Three Gaes for Bus ri!ers

f you beco5e a bus driver %#ere are %#ree lovely and very popular ga5es you 5us% learn

%o play"

1" $lind man%s bluff" $#en you %urn rig#% @us% signal by s#o/ing %/o 5illi5e%res ofyour finger%ips" % is grea% fun /#en 5o%oris%s do no% no%ice your signal and run

in%o your #uge bus /i%# %#eir %iny cars"

2" Hide and see&" $#enever you approac# a re=ues% s%op #ide be#ind a large lorry orano%#er bus and /#en you #ave al5os% reac#ed %#e s%op s#oo% off a% a %errific

speed" % is very a5using %o see people s#ake %#eir fis%s a% you" % is %en %o one %#ey

5iss so5e i5por%an% business appoin%5en%"I" Hospital game" f you #ave %o s%op for one reason or ano%#er& never /ai% un%il %#e

conduc%or rings %#e bell" f you s%ar% 5oving =uickly and une6pec%edly& and if you

are lucky - and in slippery /ea%#er you #ave a very good c#ance - people /ill fall

on %op of one ano%#er" 0#is looks e6%re5ely funny fro5 %#e driverEs sea%3o5e%i5es %#e people %#e5selves& /#o fall in%o a 5uddy puddle and break %#eir

legs& 5ake a fuss& bu%& alas every socie%y #as i%s bores /#o #ave no sense of

#u5our and canno% en@oy a @oke a% %#eir o/n e6pense"

How to Plan a Town

Bri%ain& far fro5 being a ;decaden% de5ocracy&; is a 3par%an coun%ry" 0#is is 5ainly due

%o %#e Bri%is# /ay of building %o/ns& /#ic# dispenses /i%# %#e reasonable co5for%

en@oyed by all %#e o%#er /eak and effe5ina%e peoples of %#e /orld"

Mediaeval /arriors /ore s%eel breas%-pla%es and leggings no% only for defence bu% also %okeep up %#eir fig#%ing spiri%? pries%s of %#e Middle Ages %or%ured %#eir bodies /i%# #air-

s#ir%s? ndian yogis %ake %#eir daily nap lying on a carpe% of nails %o re5ain fi%" 0#e


22/28

i5prove on %#is idea" All green-grocers s#ould be placed in Hornsey 'ane )",& all

bu%c#ers in Mile


23/28

)o/ %/o fur%#er possibili%ies arise

o ga%#er all sor%s of s%ree%s and s=uares of %#e sa5e na5e in one

neig#bour#ood BelsiDe Park& BelsiDe 3%ree%& BelsiDe 7oad& BelsiDeGardens& BelsiDe Green& BelsiDe .ircus& BelsiDe *ard& BelsiDe Ciaduc%&

BelsiDe Arcade& BelsiDe Hea%#& e%c"o Place a nu5ber of s%ree%s of e#actly%#e sa5e na5e in differen% dis%ric%s" f

you #ave abou% %/en%y Princes 3=uares and $ar/ick Avenues in %#e %o/n&

%#e 5uddle - you 5ay clai5 /i%#ou% i55odes%y - /ill be co5ple%e"

," 3%ree% na5es s#ould be pain%ed clearly and dis%inc%ly on large boards" 0#en #ide

%#ese boards carefully" Place %#e5 %oo #ig# or %oo lo/& in s#ado/ and darkness&upside do/n and inside ou%& or& even be%%er& lock %#e5 up in a safe place in your

bank& o%#er/ise %#ey 5ay give people so5e indica%ion abou% %#e na5es of %#e

s%ree%s"" n order %o break do/n %#e foreignersE las% ves%ige of resis%ance and s#a%%er %#eir

5orale& one fur%#er %rick is advisable in%roduce %#e sys%e5 of s=uares - real

s=uares& 5ean - /#ic# run in%o fours s%ree%s like %#is

[-- :iagra5 of %/o ad@acen% s=uares& eac# side of one labelled ;Princes 3=uare;&eac# side of %#e o%#er labelled ;'eices%er 3=uare;" 0#e s%ree% be%/een %#e5 #as a

differen% na5e on eac# side of %#e s%ree%" --!

$i%# %#is si5ple device i% is possible %o build a s%ree% of /#ic# %#e %/o sides #ave

differen% na5es"

P"3" - #ave been %old %#a% 5y above-described %#eory is all /rong and is only due %o 5y

.en%ral


24/28

Ci!il #er!ant

0#ere is a /orld of difference be%/een %#e


25/28

2" All official le%%ers are /ri%%en in suc# a language %#a% %#e oracles of :elp#i sound

as e6a5ples of clear& ou%spoken& s%raig#%for/ard s%a%e5en%s co5pared /i%# %#e5"

I" .ivil 3ervan%s never 5ake decisions& %#ey only pro5ise %o ;consider&; ;considerfavourably; - or - and %#is is %#e u%5os% - ;reconsider; cer%ain =ues%ions"

+" n principle %#e Bri%is# .ivil 3ervan% s%and al/ays a% %#e disposal of %#e public" n

prac%ice #e is ei%#er in ;conference; or ou% for lunc#& or in bu% #aving #is %ea& or@us% ou%" 3o5e develop an ad5irable %ec#ni=ue of going ou% %o %ea before co5ing

back fro5 lunc#"

0#e Bri%is# .ivil 3ervan%& unlike %#e roug# bully /e of%en find on %#e .on%inen%& is %#e

>bedien% .ivil 3ervan% of %#e public" Before %#e /ar& an alien in %#is coun%ry /as ordered%o leave" He asked for e6%ension of #is s%aying per5i%& bu% /as refused" He s%ayed on all

%#e sa5e& and af%er a /#ile #e received %#e follo/ing le%%er =uo%e fro5 5e5ory

;:ear sir&

0#e 4nder-3ecre%ary of 3%a%e presen%s #is co5pli5en%s and regre%s %#a% #e is unable %oreconsider your case& and begs %o infor5 you %#a% unless you kindly leave %#is coun%ry

/i%#in 2+ #ours you /ill be forcibly e6pelled"

*our >bedien% 3ervan%&

"""

>n %#e .on%inen% ric# and influen%ial people& or %#ose /#o #ave friends& cousins&bro%#ers-in-la/& %enan%s& business associa%es& e%c"& in an office 5ay #ave %#eir re=ues%s

fulfilled" n


26/28

""" % /ould be e6ceedingly perilous %o overes%i5a%e %#e significance of %#e raid& bu% i% can

be fairly proclai5ed %#a% i% /ould be even 5ore dangerous %o underes%i5a%e i%" 0#e

success of %#e raid clearly proves %#a% %#e na%ive defences are no% invulnerable? i% /ouldbe fallacious and decep%ive& #o/ever& %o conclude %#a% %#e defences are vulnerable" 0#e

nu5ber of revolu%ionaries cap%ured canno% be safely s%a%ed& bu% i% see5s likely %#a% %#e

nu5ber is /ell over 21, bu% /ell under 218"

--- In the House ---

*ou 5ay beco5e an M"P" )o%#ing is i5possible - %#is /ould no% be even

unpreceden%ed" *ou 5ay #ear %#en %#e follo/ s%a%e5en% by a 5e5ber of His Ma@es%yEs

Govern5en%

;.oncerning %#e %/o /recked oil-du5ps can give %#is infor5a%ion %o %#e House" n %#efirs% #alf of %#is year %#e a5oun% of na%ive oil des%royed by %#e Ar5y& )avy and %#e 7"A""

- e6cluding #o/ever& %#e lee% Air Ar5 - is one #alf as 5uc# as %#ree %i5es %#e a5oun%

des%royed during %#e corresponding 5on%#s of %#e previous year& seven and a #alf %i5esas 5uc# as %#e %/o-fif%#s des%royed %/o years ago and %#ree =uar%ers as 5uc# again as

%/elve %i5es one-si6%# des%royed %#ree years ago" 'oud c#eers fro5 %#e Govern5en%

benc#es"

*ou @u5p %o your fee% and ask %#is =ues%ion

*ou s %#e 7ig#% Hon" Gen%le5an a/are %#a% people in %#is coun%ry are puDDled and/orried by %#e fac% %#a% .#ara5ak /as raided and no% 7aga5ak

0#e 7ig#% Hon Me5ber #ave no%#ing %o add %o 5y s%a%e5en% given on %#e 2nd Augus%&

1892"

--- E!ening #tandard /Londoner's Diary0 ---

0#e 5os% in%eres%ing fea%ure of %#e .#ara5ak raid is %#e fac% %#a% 7eggie 0ilbury is %#efif%# son of %#e


27/28

*ou 5ay read %#is ans/er on %#e follo/ing day

;3ir& - a5 very gra%eful %o Mr" """ for calling a%%en%ion %o o#n la%Es poe5 E0#e .od"E

May be allo/ed %o use %#is oppor%uni%y & #o/ever& %o correc% a /idespread and in 5yvie/ very unfor%una%e error /#ic# %#e grea% 5asses of %#e Bri%is# people see5 %o s#are

/i%# your corresponden%" E0#e .od&E al%#oug# o#n la% s%ar%ed /ri%ing i% in 1,9I& /asonly finis#ed in %#e early days of 1,9+"

*ours& e%c" """;

f you are %#e 'ondon corresponden% of %#e A5erican paper

--- The 2lahoa #un ---

si5ply cable %#is

;*anks .on=uer Pacific >cean;

If 'aturalised

0#e verb to naturaliseclearly proves /#a% %#e bri%is# %#ink of you" Before you are

ad5i%%ed %o Bri%is# ci%iDens#ip you are no% even considered a na%ural #u5an being"

looked up %#e /ord na%ural naE%ural in %#e Pocke% >6ford :ic%ionary p"K21? i% says "for according to or provided by nature' physically e#isting' innate' instinctive' normal' not

miraculous or spiritual or artificial or conventional""" )o%e %#a% before you ob%ain Bri%is#

ci%iDens#ip& %#ey si5ply doub% you are provided by na%ure"

According %o %#e Pocke% >6ford :ic%ionary %#e /ord ;naE%ural; #as a second 5eaning&

%ooHalf(witted person" 0#is second 5eaning& #o/ever& is irrelevan% fro5 %#e poin% of

vie/ of our presen% argu5en%"

f you are %ired of no% being provided by na%ure& no% being p#ysically e6is%ing and being5iraculous and conven%ional a% %#e sa5e %i5e& apply for Bri%is# ci%iDens#ip" 7oug#ly

speaking& %#ere are %/o possibili%ies i% /ill be gran%ed %o you& or no%"

n %#e firs% case you 5us% reorganise and revise your a%%i%ude %o life" *ou 5us% pre%end

%#a% you are every%#ing you are no% and you 5us% look do/n upon every%#ing you are"

.opy %#e a%%i%ude of an


28/28

because s#e #as a business 5ind& #is /ife& because s#e co5es fro5 a non-professional

fa5ily& #is bro%#er& because al%#oug# #e is a professional officer #e does no% serve /i%#

%#e Guards& Hussars& or a% leas% a coun%y regi5en%" He adores and ad5ires #is seven-yearsold son& because %#e s#ape of #is nose rese5bles #is o/n"

f na%uralised& re5e5ber %#ese rules

1" *ou 5us% s%ar% ea%ing porridge for breakfas% and allege %#a% you like i%"

2" 3peak

Documents

How to Be an Alien - g. Mikes