How To Appreciate Art: A Beginner's Guide

Featured Image Credit: via deviantART MZ09

The three golden rules of art appreciation

1. Never walk the entire exhibitThis is a classic beginner's mistake: walk the entire exhibit, then return to the pieces that caught your interest. Real art is immediately obvious to true connoiseurs connaysirs connosurs experts. We do not waste our time on second tier works.

2. Never appreciate art in silenceTrue experts always have an opinion on everything, and especially so if it falls within our area of expertise. As an art expert, it is your responsibility to share your thoughts with the world out-loud, and ideally confrontationally. There is no room for civil discourse in art. You know. They do not.

3. Never allow the artist's intent to distract from a work's true meaningThere is a well-kept secret in the art world: the artist matters little once a piece is completed. Whatever the artist's intent was, after she is done with her work, the true value and meaning of the piece is defined by its critics and its price. Like all things of import, purpose is given to it by those who matter. Art is an empty vessel, filled with meaning by its value to its customers and the opinions of those who cannot themselves make art but understand it deeply.

The vocabulary and method of art appreciation

1. To begin, walk quickly past the rows of paintings. Lift your nose up as you do so (roughly 15 degrees off horizontal would be just about right) and barely glance at the art you rush past. After you walk past a piece chosen at random, pause, look down, then immediately step back directly in front of it and stare at it intently. Yes, you have just seen beauty for the

very first time. Gasp audibly.2. Find the biggest painting in the exhibition and exclaim "The scale. The scale!

Breathtaking!" You should be shouting and vibrating by the time you get to "Breathtaking!"

3. Look at a painting in puzzlement. Gradually let your visage clear and the confusion evaporate from your face. Mutter "I see. I see!" Smile, and walk away. You got the inside joke. No one else did.

4. Are there any impressionist paintings in the exhibit? Find one, and say "Just think: people hated this when it was created!" Laugh softly to yourself and move on, shaking your head.

5. Carry a glass of champagne with you at all times. If you are under age, bring a champagne glass and fill it with ginger ale. (That's what Batman does.) If a guard or parent accosts you about drinking in the gallery, insist that "In order to truly appreciate art, one must live it!" Dramatically raise your glass and spill a few drops when exclaiming "...live it!"

6. If you do not understand a painting, never try to "figure it out." It cannot be done. Art defies reason. Look at it with confidence. You know exactly what this painting is about, at all possible levels. If someone else, especially the artist, tries to explain it to you, scoff and confidently tell him all the ways in which he is wrong. When in doubt, laugh dismissively and turn your back.

7. Spot a painting far away from across the room. Pause and stare at it. Step closer. Step further away. Step closer again, never letting your attention waiver. Dismiss any distractions. Elbow them out of the way if you must. Then, excitedly, step so close your

nose is almost touching the canvas. (Be careful to not to set off the alarm a well-known beginner's mistake.) Excitedly pull in the person next to you, grasping their hand or their sleeve if they are handless strike that and reverse it and tell them "Remarkable! Just remarkable. I cannot believe this is the same painting!"

8. Many at an exhibit may be more familiar with an artist's work than you are. Do not worry. In the world of art, familiarity and knowledge are liabilities, not assets. If you encounter someone expressing appreciation for a favorite work, do not hesitate to walk up to him and join the conversation. Interjections such as "Oh, I am sorry to say that you will then definitely not like the artist's later work!" or "But surely you must admit when taken in the context of the complete oeuvre, it is hardly canon!" are almost always correct and always welcome.

9. Is there a chair or bench available to sit on? Avail yourself of it. All art is extremely time consuming and tiring to appreciate. However, never accept the placement of the chair or bench. Whoever put it there knows less about art than you do. Always move it into position first, then sit on it. Which position is correct? Yes! After you have moved it, it will be in your position, which is always the correct one.

10. The moment you see a painting by Renoir, shout "Oh! Finally, a Renoir!" Clasp your hands over your heart. You are done.