Holidazed Script 111311

8/3/2019 Holidazed Script 111311

1/28

"30 ROCK"

"HOLIDAZED"

Written by

Jimmy Finn

Bonfire Media184 Avenue A, Apt. 3B RearNew York, New York 10009917.494.3586


2/28

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIZS BEDROOM - MORNING AFTER THE TGS HOLIDAY PARTY

Liz lies sleeping on her back with a broad smile on her faceand a copy of The Secret under her arm. She opens hereyes, looks out the window, yawns, stretches, and smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenneth, lying on his back, opens his eyes and rubs them. Heis clearly in pain from a hangover. He sits up, rubs hiseyes again and a look of pure panic comes over him. He's inbed with someone. He leans to his left, pulls back thecovers and finds Mrs. Jordan.

KENNETHSweet Dolly Parton's Ghost.

CUT TO:

INT. LIZS BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Liz is in the shower singing Chumbawumbas Tubthumping.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Close-up of Jack's face lying on the floor in about an inchof water. He breathes in and inhales more water. He snortsand lifts his head. The camera zooms out revealing hisentire kitchen flooded by an inch of water.

JACKSweet, Ronald Reagan's Ghost. Why am I on the floor? And where did this

water come from?

CUT TO:INT. LIZS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Liz is dressing very methodically, putting a sock on, then ashoe, then another sock, then another shoe. She ties herlaces in big bunny knots, all the while humming Oh What aBeautiful Morning.


3/28

INT. WRITERS ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Lutz is asleep on the couch on top of Twofer. Pete issleeping in a rocking chair, completely naked except for adiaper and a babys bonnet. Cerie is covered in bows slumpedin a chair. Frank and Jenna are asleep under the conference

room table. Jenna and Lutz wake up at the same time and situp fast.

JENNA Sweet Desperation. Notagain.

LUTZSweet Deperation. Not again.

CUT TO:

EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE - CONTINUOUS

As she walks to the subway, Liz runs into a neighbor walkinghis dogs. She kneels to pet them and they dogs jump up tolick Lizs face. She giggles.

CUT TO:

EXT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - CONTINUOUS

Tracey is curled up in the fetal position with what appearsto be a furry blanket covering him. He mutters baby soundsto himself while dreaming. He starts to giggle as he isbeing tickled.

TRACYStop it, Angie. You know I'm ticklish.

The camera pans back to show a large Tiger paw around Tracy'sshoulder and a large Tiger lying next to him asleep. Tracygiggles again.

TRACY (CONTD)Angie, youre gonna get me all workedup. Stop it.

Tracy feels another poke and reaches behind him to push itaway. He puts his arm on the Tiger's paw. He opens his eyes

wide with fear.TRACY (CONTD)

Sweet Sigfried and Roy. What am Idoing next to this Lion. Or Tiger.Or whateva.

2.


4/28

Tracy stands up and runs into the bars of the cage, knockinghimself out cold.

CUT TO INTRO:

INT. WRITERS ROOM HALLWAY - LATER THAT MORNING

Liz walks down the hall and runs into Pete who is rubbing hishead in pain.

LIZHey. How was the rest of the party?

PETEThe rest of the party was great. It

was the aftermath that got ugly.

LIZWhy? It was still going strong when Ileft at 1:00 and Jenna hadnt evenstolen the microphone from the bandyet.

PETEUmmmm...yeah. Things got a little outof control after you left. All I knowis that when I woke up, the writersroom wreaked of sex and pine sol.(beat)Oh and Josh has a face tattoonow.

LIZOh my god. Like Mike Tysons?

PETEYeah, but bigger...and pink. Oh andLutz and Twofer may or may not havecome out of the closet...

LIZWow.

PETEAnd for some reason, the camels from

the Radio City Christmas Show are inyour office.

LIZWhat? My off...

Liz starts to run to her office but Pete grabs her arm.

3.


5/28

PETENot so fast; maintenance needs sometime before you can work in there.Health Department rules.

LIZ

Gross. I cant believe this. (beat)Lutz is gay?

PETEApparently. Funny how no one balks atTwofer. Oh and I forgot the bestpart...I heard the cops were called toJack Donaghys house last night. Ihope it doesnt have to do with that

missing Rockette.

LIZThe what? Whered ya hear that?

PETEThe Today Show. Ann Curry mentionedit. You know she has it in for Jackever since the bathroom incident atthe Sydney Olympics.

LIZOh right. To be fair, he really didthink she was good on the pommelhorse.

PETEWell, whatever the case, word on thestreet is that Donaghy had all sortsof action at his apartment last night.

LIZCrap. I better go see if hes ok. Iseverything smoothed over down here?

PETEOnce we get Cerie cleaned up and Joshgets back from the ER, we should begood to go.

LIZOh brother.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S OFFICE - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Liz marches into Jack's office. He's slumped in a chair,hand on forehead.

4.


6/28

He is in a suit but completely discheveled. He is nursing atonic water into which he continues to toss alka seltzer.

LIZJack? Oh my god. Jack, you lookterrible. What happened?

JACKElizabeth.

He stands. Wobbles. Sits.

JACK (CONTD)You look terrific.

LIZOh Jack, you must be hurt. Are you ok?

JACKNo, don't be insane. I'm fine.Whatever you're heard from that bitchAnn Curry, it isn't true.

Jack lays down on his couch and places a steak on hisforehead.

LIZYou know steaks are for black eyes orbruises. And they shouldnt becooked.

Jack, while still lying down, takes the steak off hisforehead and takes a big bite out of it.

LIZ (CONTD)What happened last night? Did you gettazered?

JACKNo. But the fine gentleman of theNYPD and FDNY did pay a visit to myhome last night...to make sureeverything was ok.

LIZWas it?

JACKOf course. Once we got the water shutoff and evacuated the apartments belowit was fine.

5.


7/28

LIZThe water? What did you do? Howdrunk were you?

JACKOn a scale of 1 to Liza, Judy Garland.

(beat) I honestly don't remember.It's foggy.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY AFTER HOLIDAY PARTY

Jack comes crashing through the front door, drops his keys,leans over to pick them up and hits his head on the entrytable. He stumbles backwards holding his head. Cut to Jack

walking into the kitchen and opening the freezer door. Hehits himself in the head with the door. Cut to Jack pullingthe dishwasher out of the wall, the hose ripping free and

water shooting everywhere. As it hits Jack in the face, helaughs and claps like a kid in a sprinkler in the summer. Heslips on the water and collapses, face down on the floor.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

JACKAnyway I can't stay in my place for afew weeks while they do some repairsand rip out a few floors of thebuilding so I guess I have to find aplace to crash for a few weeks.

(To Jonathan)Jonathan, get me a room at the FourSeasons.

LIZOooh, the Four Seasons. Niiiiice.The downtown one or the...uh...midtownone?

JACKLemon your blue collar is showing.

Theres only one Four Seasons inManhattan.

LIZRiiiiiiight.

JONATHANMr. Doneghy, the Four Seasons iscompletely booked. So is the Waldorf,St. Regis, and the Mandarin.

6.

(MORE)


8/28

The UN has all the rooms reserved forBonos swearing in.

LIZWell if you can't find anything, Jack,you're always welcome on my couch.

Liz punches Jack in the arm playfully and turns away.

JACKThank you Lemon, but that wont benecessary. Your midwest naivete is,as always, one part charming and onepart gratingly absurd. You know Idont sleep above Central Park South.

LIZRight. Forgot.

JACKNow get that livestock out of mystudio. And the camels too.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER THAT MORNING

Kenneth walks down the hallway, sweating profusely. He keepslooking over his shoulder. He stops, grabs his stomach, andruns to the bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenneth exits the stall and begins washing up in the sink.He looks at himself in the mirror.

KENNETHKenneth Parcel, what did you do?

Jenna comes out of one of the stalls.

KENNETH (CONTD)

Ms. Moroney, what are you doing inthere?

JENNA Checking to see what's been writtenabout me. Sadly, nothing. What's the

matter Kenneth?

7.

JONATHAN (CONT'D)


9/28

KENNETHOh Ms. Moroney, I don't know. I'vedone something real bad and I...well Ijust dont know how to make up for it.

JENNA

What did you do?KENNETH

I can't tell you, Ms. Moroney. It'sjust too horrible.

JENNA Kenneth, it cant be that bad. When I

was in the touring company of the BestLittle Whorehouse in Texas, I was in

my method actress phase, and I somehow managed to sleep with not one, but

....

KENNETHI slept with Mr. Jordan's wife.

JENNA (without thinking)

Oh my god. Thats horrendous and hesgoing to kill you.

Kenneth gasps and puts his hands to his mouth.

JENNA (CONTD)No. No. What I mean, Kenneth isthat...Oh my God, hes going to killyou.

KENNETHWhat am I going to do?

JENNA Well ok, lets think about this. Youcan either find a way to tell Tracyor...you can blame someone else.

KENNETH

Oh Ms. Moroney I could never blamesomeone else. I would rather turn myself in, like Judas did, than allow

another man to go to prison in mystead.

JENNA Ok. Your funeral. Gosh Im going to

miss you...

8.


10/28

Jenna starts to leave.

KENNETHOk who do I throw under the bus?

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Kenneth exits the bathroom and is startled by Tracy who is walking down the hallway wearing a Tiger fur coat.

TRACYKen!

KENNETH(high pitched yelp)

Oh, Mr. Jordan...How are you today,Sir?

TRACYKen, I need you help. I have to findDot Com and Grizz. Angie is cheatingon me with someone.

KENNETHMr. Jordan, how do you know that,sir?

TRACYI found these in my bed.

Tracy pulls out briefs with the characters from Disney's Carson them.

TRACY (CONTD)And I think he might be a Nascardriver.

KENNETHWell, Mr. Jordan, maybe Mrs. Jordanjust bought you a pre-Christmas gift.

TRACY

Ken, don't be stupid. Angie knows Ihaven't worn underwear since thatincident at Kennedy Airport in 2002.

CUT TO FLASHBACK:

9.


11/28

INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT

Tracy goes through the metal detector in just his boxers.His boxers are covered in pictures of grenades and otherexplosives and across the back of the boxers reads, Yourein for a bang. Security guards approach him and motion for

him to take them off. Tracy shakes his head No adamantly.They grab him and he runs off down the terminal chased byguards.

CUT TO:

INT. DELTA AIRLINES FLIGHT

Passengers inside the plane look out the port side window andsee Tracy Jordan in his boxer shorts running down the runwaychased by 10 TSA officers and a German shepherd. Before thescene cuts away, the dog catches up with Tracy.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

TRACYBesides, they're not even my size.They're an extra small. She'scheating on me WITH A MIDGET!

KENNETH(To himself)

No offense taken.(To Tracy)

Mr. Jordan, I doubt Mrs. Jordan wouldcheat on you...

TRACYKen, I'm not listening to you cuz I'm blinded by rage in order to preserve a

manslaughter defense.

KENNETHRight, Mr. Jordan, but...

TRACY

Now you have got to find Grizz and DotCom and meet me in my dressing room so we can find this filthy homewrecker.

CUT TO:

INT. LIZS APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY

The doorbell rings. Liz comes out of her bedroom in a tanktop, pajama pants, and slippers.

10.


12/28

She is groggy and confused why someone would be ringing herdoorbell at 7am on a Saturday. She peers through thepeephole.

LIZWhat the...

Liz opens the door.

LIZ (CONTD)Jack! What are you doing here? Whyare you up so early?

JACKPlease Lemon, its 7am.(Sarcastically) What were you out lastnight. Ha.

LIZRight. Jack, did we have a meetingscheduled today or something?

JACKNo Lemon, it occurred to me after wetalked yesterday that your ideaactually made sense.

LIZMy idea?

JACKYes, to stay here. Since we havesweeps week coming up it only makessense for me to stay here until myapartment is finished. It'll begreat.

Jack walks past Lemon into the living room. Liz starts toclose the door but it is pushed open by Jonathan. She triesto close it again, but two movers push it open with boxes.

LIZJack, what is all this?

JACKJonathan, that box can go in the hallcloset right down here and my wardrobecan go in the guestroom closet whereLemon keeps her wedding dress.

Jack gives Lemon a disapproving look.

11.


13/28

LIZFormal evening gown. How do you knowthe layout of my apartment?

JACKResearch Lemon. I didnt get to be the

Vice President of East CoastTelevision and Microwave OvenProgramming by going into situationsblind. I had Jonathan get thefloorplans from the co-op board.

LIZThe co-op board gave you myfloorplans?

JACKYes. The chairwoman of your co-opboard...(to himself) co-ops...howquaint...the chairwoman of your co-opboard and I were regulars back in the70s at Salon 54.

LIZYou mean Studio 54.

JACKNo, I mean Salon 54. Studio 54 wasfor deadbeats and hippies. You wouldhave loved it. The Salon was upstairsfor people with jobs, money andambition.

(to movers)That chair can go over here.

LIZYoure bringing furniture? Jack...howlong are the renovations going to takeexactly?

JACKThree weeks. Twelve tops. Look,Lemon, I dont like this any more thanyou do. Do you think I like leaving a

duplex figure-eight apartment in 15Central Park West to slum it in some5th floor walk-up in cougar country?

LIZYou have no idea. They even have afight club.

12.


14/28

JACKI dont doubt it. This is a temporarysolution to both our problems and ourproximity these next few weeks will

make it easier to plan sweeps. Solemons from lemonade, Lemon.

LIZI have no rational response to that.(beat) Nope, none.

Jack walks into the kitchen. The doorbell rings again. Lizopens the door to find another mover.

MOVERHi. I have a piano for Jack Donaghy?

JACK(from the kitchen)

Good God Lemon! Its like acholesterol factory in here.

BEGIN MONTAGE:

INT. LIZS APARTMENT - THE NEXT FEW DAYS

The montage, set to the Golden Girls theme song, begins withJack and Lemon throwing a frisbee in the park, gettingChinese takeout in their robes and slippers, Jack arrivinghome with two cocktail waitresses while Liz smiles and shakesa finger at him, Jack pushing Liz on a swing, Jack and Lizpainting each others toenails, and finally Jack and Lizplaying a duet on the piano together.

END MONTAGE:

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE

13.


15/28

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. TRACY'S DRESSING ROOM - SEVERAL DAYS LATER

Grizz, Dot Com, and Kenneth are sitting in the dressing room.Grizz is reading auto racing magazines and Dot Com is on alaptop googling NASCAR adulterers. Kenneth sits in thecorner biting his nails. Tracy enters.

TRACYOh good, you're here. We need tofigure out all the people at NBC andTGS who like NASCAR.

GRIZZWell I know that Jenna used to dateTony Stewart. Maybe she slept withAngie.

TRACYThat is hot, Grizz, but not likely.

KENNETHUmmm...I understand Frank is asupporter of NASCAR and hes always

wearing trucker caps and trucks arelike cars.

Kenneth confuses himself.

TRACYNo, Ken. Frank went home after theparty with that hooker that looks like

whats her name from TGS.

GRIZZJenna?

TRACYNo, the other one.

DOT COM

Hey, wait, isn't Matt Lauer a big fanof NASCAR? Remember when the TodayShow had all those cars on the plaza?

TRACYThat is right, and Matt Lauer has allthose pictures of NASCAR cars all overhis office.

14.

(MORE)


16/28

And don't forget what he said to myAngie at the NBC peacock-tail partylast year.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. GARDEN TERRACE AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER - SEVERAL MONTHSPRIOR

Matt Lauer is standing around at an NBC cocktail partytalking to Angie.

MATT LAUERYou know, you can do a lot better thanthat Tracy. Give me a call if you

want to get down, girl.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. TRACYS DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

GRIZZCome to think of it, Lauer did stoppedby the holiday party.

TRACYHe was at the party? That's it. It

must have been Lauer. Matt Lauer is adead man. Let's go.

CUT TO:

INT. WRITERS ROOM - MORNING

Liz arrives in the writers room to find the group in chaos.

JENNA You? Im the one who should beembarrassed for sleeping withyou...AGAIN. Why would YOU beashamed?

FRANKI think its obvious. And you cant

keep your mouth shut so soon everyone will know.

JENNA No they wont. I mean, yes, Im telling everyone. Wait...

Twofer and Lutz are arguing the same thing.

15.

TRACY (CONT'D)


17/28

LUTZAre you out of your mind? I waspassed out and besides, I never felt athing.

TWOFER

If it was me, you would have felt it.Lutz gasps and slaps Twofer. Cerie lifts her shirt to revealWilling Jailbait written on her stomach in perm. marker.

CERIEI cant believe you did this? Ivebeen scrubbing for an hour and it

wont come off?

JOSHThats what she said.

CERIEThat doesnt even make sense.

JOSHUmmm...yeah...so?

Liz, oblivious to the commotion, approaches Pete.

LIZHey, sorry I'm late. Jack was in thebathroom for 45 minutes this morningdoing his bi-weekly facial scrub andsalt-water enema.

PETEThats how he stays so young looking.

LIZI know, right? Weird. What's going on?

PETEOh ya know, complete pandemonium. Itried to get them settled but...

LIZ

SHUT IT ALL OF YOU...or Im volunteering you to write copy forDick Clarks New Years Rockin Eve!

Everyone turns towards Liz, quiets down, and takes a seat.

16.


18/28

LIZ (CONTD)Thank you. I need everyone to reviewthis weeks script and find 2 minutesto cut. We need space for Tracys newPublic Service Announcement.

CUT TO PSA:EXT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY

Tracy stands in front of a large tiger cage.

TRACYHi. Im Tracy Jordan of TGS withTracy Jordan. Tigers are animals,

wild, wild animals and should not beapproached by humans...nor molested.Because Tigers are people too.

While Tracy speaks, a trainer is in the Tiger cage and shootsa taser into the Tiger. The Tiger, unfased, leaps at thetrainer and rips his head off. Tracy turns, shrieks, andruns away.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WRITERS ROOM - MORNING

LIZ(to Pete)

I gotta tell you I don't know how much more I can take of Jack living with me. I mean it was bad enough when YOU were... I mean it's just tough.

Pete takes Liz by the arm and they start walking into thehallway, talking.

PETELiz, you know you have to tell him thetruth. Its affecting your job andthat affects my job. So this isreally about me, Liz. Think about me.

LIZI know, but Jacks my boss...and heseems to really like having aroommate. The other day, when we werehosting Larry King and his wife forfondue night, Jack said the cutestthing.

PETELiz! Listen to yourself!

17.


19/28

LIZOk, I know, I know. But...I cant.Jacks got a soft underbelly.

ENTIRE CAST (V.O.)EW!!!

LIZShut it!

(To Pete)Hes a softy and I think with Elisaleaving this could hurt him. Plus Ilike the piano player. Hes cute and60% straight.

PETEFine. But dont come crying to me

when summer rolls around and Jack ishosting his annual Rush Limbaugh Luauin your apartment.

LIZOh, crap, he has to go.

CUT TO:

INT. TRACYS DRESSING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

Tracy is on the phone. Kenneth enters the dressing room.

TRACYWhat do you mean that's the name? Iam trying to find out where in the

world is Matt Lauer? No, Im askingyou?

KENNETHMr. Jordan is everything ok?

TRACYNo, Ken, this lady is getting on mynerves with this Whos on Third game.

KENNETH

Do you mean Whos on First?TRACY

How should I know, Ken.(yelling into phone)

IM JUST TRYING TO FIND MATT LAUER!

Tracy clicks the receiver, realizes she has hung up, andhangs up the phone.

18.


20/28

KENNETHMr. Jordan...

TRACYKen, now is not a good time. I cantbelieve someone would betray me like

this and then KEEP. IT. A. SECRET!KENNETH

Right...well...that Matt Lauer is adeceiver. Mr. Jordan, listen, I needto tell you something.

TRACYOk Ken, but make it fast. I have todefend Angies honor.

KENNETHRight...well about that...Mr. Jordan,I...theres something you shouldknow...

TRACYWhy cant everyone be as good a friendas you, Ken? Honest, trustworthy,loyal. Sorry, what were you going tosay?

KENNETHLauers in his dressing room. I sawthe whore go in there 10 minutes ago.

Tracy gets up, hugs Kenneth, and runs out. Kenneth stands inthe doorway as Jenna approaches in the hall.

JENNA Did you tell him?

KENNETHNo, maam. I couldnt bring myself todo it. Sweet Dolly Partons Ghost.

JENNA You know Dolly Partons still alive,

right?KENNETH

In my heart, Ms. Moroney. In myheart.

19.


21/28

JENNA No, in Nashville, Kenneth. InNashville.

CUT TO:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - LATER THAT DAYJack is having tea with the rich cougar fight club ladiesfrom the episode titled, Jackie Jormp-Jomp. Liz walks in.

LIZJack, what are you doing? Theyattacked me.

JACKLemon, relax. The ladies just stoppedby for tea and some sparring.

LIZJack, we need to talk. You and mylife colliding is...well its freaking

me out.

JACKOh, I meant to tell you. You missed afew calls yesterday. Some guy namedAaron called and said you two weresupposed to go out.

LIZYeah?

JACKI dont think hell be calling again.

LIZWhat? Why? What did you say?

JACKHe was a music teacher, Lemon. I toldhim not to call back until he had areal job.

LIZJack!!!

JACKOh and your mother called. Lovely

woman. She thinks your not datingenough.

20.


22/28

LIZMy mother doesnt care about thatstuff Jack. What did you tell her?

JACKI told her youre not dating enough.

LIZJACK! Thats it.

The cougars stand, crouch, and start hissing.

JACKSHHHHH! Careful, Lemon. Suddensounds make them get into the fightingposture.

Jenna storms into the office.

JENNA Liz, HELP! I THINK IM PREGNANT! Ifit comes out with a trucker cap, Im jumping off the observation deck.

Jenna runs out of Jacks office.

LIZArgh! Ill be back, Jack. But weneed to talk. Oh and the oldest onefights dirty.

Liz runs out of the office after Jenna.

CUT TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER THAT DAY

Tracy storms down the hallway toward the Today Show studio ina fury, planning to confront Lauer. Kenneth comes runningbehind him and grabs his arm.

KENNETHMr. Jordan stop. You can't fight MattLauer.

TRACYThis is about honor Ken. If I have togo through Al Roker, Bryant Gumbel,and Katie Couric I will.

KENNETHOh my youve missed a lot of the lastdecade.

21.


23/28

TRACYLauer is mine.

Tracy turns to leave.

KENNETH

Mr. Jordan, I SLEPT WITH MRS. JORDAN!Tracy slowly turns.

KENNETH (CONTD)I did, Mr. Jordan, it was me. And Ihave never been so sorry. I'm even

more sorry that I don't remember itbecause, as my Momma always said, ifyou're going to sin, get your money's

worth.

TRACYYou slept with Angie, Ken?

KENNETHYes, and I am sorry. Whateverrepercussions you feel are appropriateI will accept. If I have to leave thepeacock forever...then so be it.

A broad smile slowly stretches across Tracy's face. He grabsKenneth's face, pulls him close and kisses him on the lips ala Michael and Fredo in Godfather II. Kenneth keeps his eyesopen the whole time.

TRACYKen, I knew it was you. And you broke

my heart. Not because you slept withAngie but because you didn't tell meright away.

KENNETHWhat?

TRACYI thought we were friends, Ken. Andfriends tell friends when they sleep

with each other's wives.KENNETH

Oh Mr. Jordan, I know. You're right.I should have come to you right away.

TRACYWell don't sweat it. I forgive youfor not telling me.

22.


24/28

KENNETHAnd for sleeping with your wife.

TRACYDon't be silly, Ken. You didn't sleep

with Angie. Thats crazy. After I

left the party with that Lion, Angie was too drunk to find her own wayhome. So you took her home and thenpassed out in our bed after tuckingher in.

KENNETHWhat? But how do you know that?

TRACYThe cameras Angie and I have in ourbedroom recorded the whole thing. All16 of them.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. TRACYS HOUSE - THE NIGHT OF THE HOLIDAY PARTY

Kenneth, drunk, carries Angie up the stairs in Tracys house.He carries her into the bedroom, hitting her head on the doorjam, gasping, and then proceeding inside. He lays Angie onthe bed and tucks her in. He goes to pour her some water butspills it all over his pants. He takes them off to dry andcomes back to the bed. He starts to sing to her.

KENNETH(singing)

Lullaby, and goodnight, let your eyesclose, Mr. Jordan...

ANGIE(groggily)

No baby, do it hip hop. Hiphop...hip...

KENNETH(again singing)

Looking in your eyes, While you're on

the other side, and I think thatshorty I gotta thing for you. I wanna make love in this club, In this club,

In this club...

Angie falls asleep. Kenneth sits on the edge of the bed andsighs in relief. Then he hiccups.

23.


25/28

KENNETH (CONTD)I think Ill just lay down for asecond.

He lays down. Kenneth passes out cold.

CUT BACK TO:INT. TODAY SHOW STUDIO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

TRACYNow let's go tell Angie. She thinksshe had sex with a white boy; it wason her bucket list.

As they turn to walk down the hallway, the door to the TodayShow studio opens and Matt Lauer walks out.

MATT LAUERHow's it going, Tracy. Hey, giveAngie my best.

Lauer winks at Tracy and walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. LIZ'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

Liz enters her apartment and the door hits something halfwayopen.

LIZWhat the hell?

Liz's living room is completely changed. There is now a harpin the living next to the piano, several antique gildedtables, some oriental rugs stand upright and there is a fullterra cotta soldier from the forbidden city in bubble wrap.

JACKLemon, you're home early. Sorry aboutthe mess. You can't find good helpthese days if youre handing out freegreen cards.

LIZJack, what is all this? Where'd thisstuff come from?

JACKOh, just some things I brought from storage. I figure it makes it alittle homier...a little less Ikea.

24.


26/28

LIZHomier? Who's home? Liberace? Look

we have to talk.

JACKSure, let me just tell the guys where

this is going.Liz is pushed out of the way by two movers carrying a largesofa into the apartment.

JACK (CONTD)Gentlemen, that goes over here againstthe accent wall.

LIZJack. Jack! JACK! You can't stayhere anymore!

JACKGentlemen, will you excuse me. Myfriend here is having an episode and Ihave to find her medication.

Movers put couch down and walk into hallway.

LIZJack, look, I'm sorry, but I just...Ilike the way my apartment is...was. Ilike being able to lay on the couch ona Saturday in sweat pants and I'm notready for a roommate. Hell, I'm notready for a cat.

JACKLemon, be real, you were born to havecats.

LIZLook, Jack...

JACKNo, no, Lemon, nuff said. Youve madeyourself clear.

LIZJack, its not that I...

JACKLemon, please, I'm Jack Donaghy. TheSt. Regis loves me and Trump has beenasking me to class up his propertiessince Joan Rivers sullied the brand.No hard feelings.

25.


27/28

Jack starts packing a box.

LIZJack, what was this really all about?

JACK

What do you mean, Lemon?LIZ

You're a gazillionare...

JACKBazillionaire.

LIZWhatever. You didn't need to stayhere.

JACKLemon is it so hard to believe that I

want to bring a little happiness intothe life of a 40 something singlefemale whos on the brink of earlyonset menopause and writes to Snapple

when their Real Facts are wrong?

LIZJack...[sighs]...Jack, could it bethat you're the one whose lonely?That Elisa moving out has left you

missing having someone in your apt, orbeach house, or the boat...God I'm poor...Jack, you don't like livingalone?

JACKLemon, once again you're projecting...

LIZYou know when Jenna and I livedtogether in Chicago, it was fun. And

when we got our own places, it wastough. Lonely. Its nice to havesomeone around.

JACK(breaking down in tears)

Oh God, Lemon, youre right. I do miss her. I always liked living alone

until she moved in. And then when I woke up in a puddle of water, it made me realize how much I needed her.

26.


28/28

LIZPlease tell me its not because...

JACKNo, its not because shes PuertoRican.

LIZOh God, Jack, it still doesnt soundok when you say that.

JACKLemon, thank you. Youve made merealize that I like having someone in

my life. And just because Elisa and Iare done, doesnt mean I have to goback to being independent.

(yelling toward thebedroom)

Jonathan, pack my stuff. Im leaving.

LIZWas he here the whole time?

JACKLemon, once again, your primitive wayshave taught me that no man is anisland. And that no woman under 60should have this many doilies. Illgive you your apartment back.

LIZAnd where are you going?

JACKTo find my soulmate, Lemon.

Jack, grabs his coat and leaves.

LIZWhoever that poor woman is, Im gonnaowe her a drink.

Piano starts playing and Liz winks at the piano player. Then

she notices hes sitting next to an attractive young boy.They two men touch heads together.

LIZ (CONTD)OH NARTS!

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

27.

Documents

Holidazed Script 111311