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Hinckley U3A UpBeatCartoons & Jokes Special

Let's have a laugh.Apologies if you have seen some of them before & for the ones that are covid related.

Some are unique though as they are drawn by our very own U3A member Pat Harrison.

A woman walks into the chemist & asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks “What for?” She replies “ I want to kill my husband” He says “I can’t possibly sell it to you”

So she reaches into her handbag & pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacistswife……………….. Oh! says the Pharmacist “You didn’t tell me that you had a prescription”

I looked at all the possible side effects listed in the leaflets that come with my prescriptions. Unfortunatelynone of them said may cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles & increase energy.

Pat Harrison

The last two times parking, Ihave managed not to clout thekerb. Just wondering whetherI should apply for an advanced

driving licence.

Always fancied a pair of thoseopen back gloves.

Pat Harrison musings on old age!!

When a group of us pensioners are round the telly, watching the news, it's not economic/political/ideological comments one hears, more:

Ooh! I like her ear-rings

Those aren't her teeth.

Oh, don't he look like wotsisname?

His ears are too big for t.v.......

Yet, frighteningly we vote more than other groups.

Pat - ! Olé !

In response to the mask fiascoa Government spokespersoninsisted he was full of Zorro.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill, my goal tomorrow is to switch it on.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like & do what you’drather not. Mark Twain

My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything I forgot to do that day

I find, these days, that most of my conversations start out with ; “Did I tell you this already?” or “ What wasI going to say?”

I’ve been to a lot of places, but I’ve never been to Cahoots, apparently you cannot go alone.I’ve never been in Cognito either, apparently no one recognises you there.I have been to Insane, it doesn’t have an airport you have to be driven there. I have made several trips.

Fondly I recall how people had reverence when they spoke of my granny. It was often said”Thereare no flies on her.”

Then she died and nothing was ever the same.

Pat Harrison

£150 million wasted on masks.Perhaps we could export to Italy for their carnivals and

recoup a few quid. Mind you,bet our masks fail to comply

with EU directives.

Pat Harrison

Pat Harrison - Boyles law

Noticing the inverserelationship in mass of dogsand their owners, I am often

reminded of Boyle's law,which in turn reminds me of

Eurovision. Funny world!

(Some people will be tooyoung)

"My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner. So I took thebatteries out of the smoke alarm."

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

The presenter said, “This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists whooperated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

.......................“Sticks!” Paddy replied

Contributions from Bob Hillier

On the wall in the Ladies toilet ............ "My husband follows me everywhere"Written just below it .............. "No I don't"

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? The survivors were marooned.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid thewrong thing at the most tempting moment.

If you must choose between two evils then choose ................ the one you've never done before or the onethat looks the most fun.

Govt says there’s scantevidence that the virus is

transmitted in schools. So,couldn’t schools double as

pubs and discos in theevenings, when the kids have

gone home? Safer foreverybody, especially if there

are local lockdowns.

Pat Harrison

The phrase “self isolate”always strikes me as

something heard in a gardencentre: Fisolate, John InnesNo5, rooting compound and

slug pellets.

Meanwhile in post BrexitBritain, ex-Marbella retirees

are back in Chavland ………..

Pat Harrison

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick"Someones stolen your car!!"

Mick says "Bastards! did you see who did it?"

Paddy says "No ......but I got the registration number".............!!!!

Another two from Bob Hillier

A tall weather worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer.The regulars observed the stranger through half closed eyelids , no one spoke.They all noticed that the stranger's hat was made from brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was that hisshirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, even his boots complete with paperspurs. Out side waited his horse with a saddle, blanket & bridle all made from paper too..................................... The sheriff was called & arrested him for rustling.

The difference between a geologist and a genealogist is that one digs in dirt and sometimes findsartefacts, while the other digs in facts and sometimes finds dirt.

We hope this collection cheered you up.

Look out for The Alternative Newsletter compiled by John Whitehead later this week.

Next week's UpBeat will continue the virtual walk round Leicester looking at the High Streetconservation area, & also contain some more cartoons and jokes.

Take Care, Keep Safe, Keep Smiling

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