Hiawatha’s Valence Bonding · Needed for predicting light waves, Was the most transcendent genius, As was Albert Einstein’s insight That the speed of light being constant Must

8|Annals of Improbable Research|May-June 2004 www.improbable.com May-June 2004 | Annals of Improbable Research|9 www.improbable.com

Hiawatha’s Valence Bondingby R.B. LaughlinDepartment of Physics, Stanford University, Stanford, California

With apologies to Lewis Carroll (and H. W. Longfellow)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The author's Nobel Prize is not in the field of literature]

Introduction

Since all men have imperfectionsHanging bones inside their closetsThat they trust no one will noticeAbsent tips on where to find them,It will shock no one to learn thatEven mighty HiawathaFamous Chief of myth and legendDid some things he was not proud ofWhile a brother in a frat houseWith a surly reputationAt an unknown little collegeThat his father helped to financeSo that he would get admittedBy the shores of Gitche-Gumee.

* * *Far from loving fields and flowersAnd the odor of the forestAs one reads in all the textbooksHiawatha hated woodlandsAnd the animals one finds there,Whom he felt were always pooping,And the plants the critters fed onDown in dank and swampy bottoms,Nearly perfect grounds for breedingMighty hordes of great mosquitoesWho were always lean and hungryAnd equipped with maps and radarCould detect where you were hidingTo inflict their bites and torments,With their sneaky friends the black flies,And their angry friends the green flies,And the rocks ensnared by tree rootsThat existed just to trip youAnd would look improved as concreteIn foundation for a condo.

* * *Thus the kindly, thoughtful image

Of a noble man of NatureWas a total fabricationOf a team of gifted spin docsHired later for this purpose.He was really just a tech nerdWho cared only for equationsAnd explaining all behaviorFrom the basic laws of physicsArmed with only mathematics.

* * *Hiawatha hated woodlands.

Thus, instead of lakes and forests,Hiawatha worshipped Newton,Whose account of Kepler’s orbitsBuilt on rules that GalileoHad inferred from observationPlus the innocent assumptionOf a law of gravitationWas a cosmic inspiration;And the brilliant Sadie Carnot,Whose insightful laws of heat flow Were deduced from working enginesAbsent microscopic theories;

And the tragic Ludwig BoltzmannWho ascribed these laws to countingBut fell victim to depressionWhen he found no one believed himAnd so killed himself by jumping From an Adriatic tower.Hiawatha saw that Maxwell’sGuessing missing laws of motionNeeded for predicting light waves,

Was the most transcendent genius,As was Albert Einstein’s insightThat the speed of light being constantMust mean time was not consistentAnd that mass could be convertedInto heat and vice versa.Just as clear was that the Planck law Must imply DeBroglie’s wavelengthWas in force in any matterSo that sharp atomic spectraAnd distinct atomic sizesAnd the laws of bond formationCame from quantum interference.

* * *

Hiawatha’s Mistake

Thus it was that HiawathaCame to be infatuatedWith the laws of quantum matter,Which means liquid noble gases,Neutrons in a burnt-out star core,Or just rocks so cryogenicThey cannot get any colder,Even with improved equipment,Like the state of too much slidingOn the ice of Gitche-GumeeAfter dark in dead of winterIn an inexpensive loincloth.


Pain and danger notwithstandingQuantum matter’s simple structureMakes the eager physics tyroQuite unable to resist it.Hiawatha learned how atomsSelf-assemble into crystals,How electrons move right through them,Waving past the rigid ionsThereby making them metallicIn the absence of a bandgapWhich arises from diffractionAnd prevents the charge from movingThereby causing insulation,But by means of wires and dopingWith atomic imperfectionsWhen the bandgap is a small oneCan be used to make transistors.In addition to the basicsHe learned how electric forcesLike those seen in clinging woolensCause some things to be magneticUp until the lowly phonon,Quantum particle of sound wave,Storing heat the way that light doesMediates a strong attractionThat can pair up two electronsCausing them to move togetherOvercoming all resistanceAnd producing other magicSuch as quantum oscillations.

* * *At this quite untimely momentOf his fragile student historyWhen his mind was most suggestiveOur poor hapless HiawathaHad the terrible misfortuneTo fall in with wicked peopleWho were little more than con menAnd advanced in their professionMaking theories of such matterThat were not at all deductiveBut instead used mathematicsAs a way to sow confusionSo that no one would discoverThat their stuff was pure opinionSpiced with politics and chutzpahSo it looked somewhat like scienceEven though it really wasn’t.

* * *

They were little more than con men.

How they did this was ingeniousFor it’s not a simple matterTo produce concrete equationsThat are absolutely hokumAnd escape without detectionWhen they represent relationsOf some quantities one measuresWritten down as abstract symbolsThat could easily be tested.What they did was deftly prey onPrejudicial ways of thinkingThat their colleagues thought were reasonedBut were simply misconceptions,Generated during trainingThey had all received as students,That the properties one wantedWere completely universalSo details did not matter.But the data did not say thisAnd, moreover, had they done soThere would have been no good reasonTo think any more about it.So, while everyone was watching,They swapped in some new equationsThat they said would solve the problemOn account of being much simplerBut in fact

described a systemVery different from the first oneAnd, moreover, was unstable,Balanced at competing phases,So that nobody could solve itThus betraying the deception.

* * *Adding to the dazzling brillianceOf this coldly thought-out swindleThey declared it {\it fundamental}So that all the strange creationsMade by people trying to solve itAnd quite clearly not succeedingProved it was a fount of deepnessOne should struggle to unravelEven if it took a lifetime.As a nifty added bonusAny hint you dropped in publicThat it might have no solutionSimply meant you weren’t a genius,Told the world that you were stupid,That you were a hopeless failureWho should not command a pencil.No one wanted to admit thisSo they’d cover up their failureAnd pretend that they had solved itEven though they clearly hadn’t.This succeeded, for the most part,But in one respect it didn’t,For their desperate need to publishAnd thereby maintain their fundingCaused a massive flood of papers,Each quite different from the others,To descend upon the journalsAnd to overwhelm and clog them.This would have been very funnyHad it not been so pathetic.

* * *

It just meant you weren’t a genius.


Hiawatha bought the storyTook the bait, hook, line, and sinkerAnd, like many other studentsWho’d been victimized before him,Got convinced that his strong math skills,Far exceeding those of others,Would reveal nature’s mysteriesWhen he solved the Hubbard modelAnd its child the t-J modelAnd the lattice Kondo modelAnd the quantum spin glass model,All of which possessed the featureThat no human being could solve them.

* * *

Hiawatha Meets the Cuprates

Nature has a sense of humor,As one learns by working with it,But it is an opportunist,So that life’s most bitter lessonsOften wind up learned the hard wayWhen it moves to take advantageOf a single bad decisionAnd compound it with some mischiefCustom made for the occasion.

* * *Just when he’d resolved to strike outOn his suicidal missionThere occurred a bold announcementIn a well-known German journalThat a tiny lab near ZurichHad discovered a materialWith the structure of perovskiteMade of oxygen and copperAnd some other stuff like strontiumThat when cooled to thirty kelvinLost all traces of resistance.This event was simply shockingFor existing quantum theorySaid it had to get much colderFor this special thing to happen,As did all the careful surveysOf the properties of metals,Which were very comprehensiveAnd agreed well with the theory.Since the chemists were ambitiousTo somehow transcend this limit,Which they thought too academic,And someday kill all resistance

Using no refrigeration,There ensued a feeding frenzyWorthy of a horror movie,Like what happens when a trawlerDumps its hold of tuna entrailsOff a reef in north Australia.

* * *One example of this madnessWas the Physics Woodstock conferenceThat took place in mid-ManhattanShortly after the announcementWhere attendees got together,Commandeered a giant ballroom,And gave talks not on the programIn a special all-night sessionDedicated to the cupratesWhich was packed to overflowing.There was talk of maglev transport,New kinds of computer circuit,Mighty, compact little motorsAnd efficient power cables,All of which would soon be comingThanks to this momentous breakthrough.But it turns out we don’t have themFor they weren’t a big improvementOver things we had alreadyAnd were hopelessly expensive.* * *Then there were the frantic searchesTo find compounds that were better,Which one knew could be accomplishedIf one spent enough time looking,Since this stuff had lots of phasesSubtly different from each other,And there had to be a best one.There was very rapid progressCulminating in a patentFor a more complex materialIn the same broad class of structureWhich performed at ninety kelvin,

So much higher than the theoryWould allow to ever happenEven with extreme assumptionsThat one knew it was in trouble.

* * *Almost overnight one found thatEvery spectrum known to scienceHad been taken on a cuprate.Their alleged profound importanceWas, of course, a major factor,But what mattered most was tactics.Without need to tell one’s funders,Since it could be done so quickly,One could telephone a chemist,Cut a deal to get some samples,Put them in one’s apparatus---Presto! Out would come a paperThat would instantly get publishedEven if it was a stinker.This produced a pile of data,Growing without bound, like cancer,That completely overwhelmed youBy being mostly unimportant,Like the growing list of optionsComing from your cable service.

* * *

Presto! Out would come a stinker.


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Often spectra weren’t consistent,But, instead of getting angryAs one would have in the old days,One would handle it maturelyAnd just chalk it up to errorsThat occur when one is hastyOr has had bad luck with samples.But this tolerance, it turns out,Was a bargain with the devilFor it later was discoveredThat enormous variationWas endemic to the cuprates,And that things not reproducingDue to complex phase inclusions,Foreign atoms in the sample,Careless oxygen annealing,Surface preparation methods,And a thousand other factorsWas essential to their nature.

* * *Sadly, by the time this surfacedShameful habits of denyingThat the differences existedHad become enshrined in writing,And so wedded to the culture,That they could not be corrected.

It was now accepted practiceIn a public presentation

Of experimental findingsNot to mention other dataEven if your own group took them.Grounds for this were rarely stated,Other than the innuendoThat one’s sorry competitionWere a hopeless bunch of bozosWho did not know how to measureAnd therefore could not be trusted.It was likewise viewed as kosherTo make up a little theoryOr adopt somebody else’sThat gave all your findings meaning---Although not those of your colleagues,Which were, sadly, so imperfectThey were simply inconsistent.But one never heard recanting,Since it would have meant admissionThat one’s judgement had been faulty.* * *Thus the cuprates’ weird capricesLong escaping understandingTransformed into pseudotheoriesThat, like gods on Mount Olympus,Were political creationsThat could not be killed with reasonAnd, empowered as immortals,Took control of their creators,

And, of course, succumbing quicklyDove right in and bashed his brains out.

* * *

Hiawatha Escapes Reality

Hiawatha’s misconceptionsOf the nature of the problemHe was setting out to conquerWere not shared by everybody.Just as buzzards, with keen noses,Circling high above their breakfastWait until it cannot hurt them,To swoop down and get to business,And ichneuman wasps impregnateLarval caterpillar victimsWith some eggs that grow to eat them,Thus not let them reach adulthoodWhen they might be hard to handle,Hiawatha’s crafty mentorsSensed that science had stopped workingIn the sub-field of the cuprates,As it had before in othersWhere their scams had been successful.


Smelling death was close upon it,They resolved the time was ready.

* * *

Hiawatha’s misconceptions were not shared by everybody.

What ensued was simply awesome,Destined to go down in legend.They proposed a cuprate theorySo magnificent in concept,So much bolder than the othersThat it blasted them to piecesLike some big atomic warhead,So outshined them in its gloryLike a nova in the heavensThat it blinded any personWho would dare to gaze upon it.Cuprates did these things, it stated,Just because a quirk of natureMade them like the Hubbard model,Which, as had been long established,Did some things quite fundamental,Not yet known to modern science,Which explained the crazy data,So to understand the cupratesOne would have to solve this model.How colossal! How stupendous!It was absolutely foolproof!No one could disprove this theoryWith existing mathematicsOr experimental dataFor exactly the same reasonsNor could they admit they couldn’t,So they’d spend their whole lives trying,Blame themselves for being so stupid,And pay homage in each paperWith the requisite citation!

* * *They left clues in great abundanceThat they’d made a vast deceptionFar surpassing P. T. Barnum’sMost creative whims and musingsTrusting that no one would catch them

On account of being so guileless,Which they knew was part of science,Rather like the clever killer,Sure he can outsmart Columbo,Leaving marks upon the crime sceneThen in later verbal sparringHints at them in brazen taunting.One was that its short description,Resonating bonds of valence,Was the name that Linus PaulingUsed for common bonds of benzene,Something so profoundly differentFrom the physics of the cupratesThat its use on this occasionSeemed to show a lousy word sense.But, in fact, it was inspired,For the permanent confusionLeft by its uncertain meaningLike the data it reflected,Was defense against attackers,Made it very hard to target,Left its enemies bewildered.And the thoughtful usurpationOf a well-established brand nameHad the lovely added featureOf dispatching pesky Pauling,Who had always been a nuisance,Down to Davy Jones’s lockerIn the minds of younger people.

* * *Getting rid of pesky Pauling.

There was also the assertionRunning rampant through the theoryThat the essence of the cupratesWas coulombic insulation,

Which, on close inspection, turned outNo one could define precisely,With a few concrete equations,But was nonetheless a conceptPeople thought they comprehended,Like the fancy secret contentsOf competing brands of toothpasteThat, of course, are total fictionsMade up during lunch by ad guys.

* * *But the best clue by some marginWas the deus ex machinaKnown as Gutzwiller Projection,Which began life as a methodFor controlling the equationsBut was morphed on this occasionTo a monstrous distortionOf the basic mathematicsOn the grounds it was insightful.But, in fact, it came from nowhere,And was just a simple dictatThat an off-the-shelf conductorCould not be a quantum magnetWhile one forced it to become oneThus creating awful conflictWhen, in fact, there simply was none.

* * *Hiawatha, being clever,Quickly saw that he could do this,Saw that such manipulations

Were, in fact, extremely easy,That a high school kid could do them,Once he got the key ideaThat one should evade the problem


Of deducing the behaviorFrom the actual equationsBy declaring that some answerWas correct because one said soAnd proceeding to defend itWith a lot of complex symbolsSimply cooked up to confuse things.

* * *Thus emboldened to abandonHis perverse outdated fear ofUncontrolled approximationsHiawatha bit the bulletAnd jumped into cuprate theoryWith the fury of a madman,Doing reckless calculationsBased on nothing but some gas fumesThat produced some fine predictions,As one was inclined to call them,Matching some existing dataBut, of course, not matching others,Since they were not all consistent.He would then just pick and choose themAs one would an orange or lemonIn the local supermarketAnd declare the rest defective.Then he wrote up his conclusionsIn a little physics paperLoaded up with fearsome symbolsProving that he had credentialsTo make all these speculations,Sent it in for publicationAnd then found an awful problemHe had not anticipated.For the paper to be publishedIt must get past refereeingWhich, in theory, was for stoppingFalse results from being reportedBut, in practice, was to censorAnyone whose work you hated,Somewhat of a sticky wicketFor someone who’s main objectiveWas to publish speculation.Hiawatha soon discoveredThough the process of rejectionThat his papers could not make it

If they championed new ideasOr in any way conflictedWith the viewpoints of the expertsWhich, of course, were simply made up.

* * *Thus the mighty HiawathaFound his plans to be a scholarHad an unexpected down sideThat would later prove quite fatalIn that he was forced to panderIn his writing for the publicTo a set of flakey conceptsThat he’d found extremely usefulBut had not had time to question,In exchange for recognitionNeeded for career advancement.For a while it did not matterBut the problem slowly festeredAnd one day poor Hiawatha,Waking to a huge disaster,Found himself up to his eyeballsIn a soup of black corruption.

* * *

He would simply pick and choose them.

Hiawatha and the Experiments

Hiawatha’s revelationTook a while to find its footingFor, as happens in such cases,Many awful misconceptionsWere embedded in his thinkingWhere they had been put on purpose

And could only be uncovered,If at all, through painful hoursScrutinizing tiny details,Contemplating reams of data,Finding out who’s stuff was careful,Tracking down suspicious rumors,Reading through a mass of papers,Slowly tossing out the bad ones,Racking up the airline mileageGoing to humongous meetings,Thereby building up a fact baseCleansed of all manipulations.Over time, as things got clearer,Hiawatha grew unhappyTrying to reconcile his viewpointWith the facts that he had winnowed,Always finding that he couldn’t.

* * *Hiawatha studied transportBoth electrical and thermalThat, one argued, showed the absenceOf the Landau fermi surfaceSymptomatic of a metal

Thereby proving one was dealingWith a strange new state of matter.But he found in every instanceThat a sample made its coldest,So one knew what one was doing,Either showed disorder problemsGenerated by the chemistsOr agreed with classic theory.Thus, like all those dot-com profits

That they claimed would make you wealthy,But, in fact, were nonexistent,Arguments for novel physicsBuilt upon the facts of transportDid not hold up on inspection.

* * *Hiawatha studied opticsBy and large his favorite spectrumFor he knew that light reflectionMeasured dielectric functionsIn a way that used no theory,And it showed how loose electrons


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Moved about and caused the bonding.But, alas, the data variedFrom one sample to anotherEven after years of effortsTo ensure that they were stable!This left lack of clear consensusEven over things that mattered.Understanding why this happenedWas not really rocket science,For the Kramers-Krönig processAmplified the defect signalsThat were there in great abundance,Even though they all denied it,And depended on the processBy which one prepared the sample,Something different for each growerAnd a closely-guarded secret.Also, things would change with doping,Something very hard to measureAnd which often wasn’t constantAs one moved across the sampleDue to troubles in the furnaceWhich they claimed they’d licked but hadn’t.Thus the stories of new physicsBuilt upon results of optics,Like the troubled U. S. censusOr the streets of downtown BostonAfter weeks of too much snowing,Were polluted by disorder,

And, moreover, were deceptiveIn that aspects of the spectraThat were reasonably stableLike the strange non-Drude lineshapesHappened at such tiny wavelengthsOne could plausibly ascribe themTo a nearby phase transitionRather than the state in question.Thus the stories were fantastic,And, like those that Richard NixonTold while he was in the White House,Or that pop star Michael JacksonClaimed occurred in Los OlivosFor the pleasure of the children,In the end would not hold water.

Thus the stories were fantastic.

* * *Hiawatha studied neutronsWhich he found he liked immenselySince they flowed from a reactorWith big purple signs upon itWarning you of radiationThat would kill you if allowed to,Since the neutrons went right through youBut would sometimes choose to stop there


And decay like little time bombs,Thus inducing stomach cancer.But they went through cuprates also,And that made them very useful,Since a few of them would scatter,And detecting those that did soGave you lots of informationFrom down deep inside the sample,Such as how the atoms ordered,How they moved when something hit themAnd if they were little magnets.But the bad news was the signalWas quite small and hard to measure,So one needed a detectorBigger than a Dempsey DumpsterAnd a truly mammoth sample,Leading to big compromisesIn the sample growing processThey preferred deemphasizingBut one knew was wreaking havocOn the meaning of the data.They would also never tell youWhat the measurement itself was,Since the neutron kinematicsMade it sensitive to factorsLike the speed spread of the neutronsAnd the tip of the detectorAnd the path on which one moved thingsTo survey deflection anglesThat were messy and annoying,So they’d first massage the dataUsing big computer programsTo remove these nasty factorsAnd report the program output,Representing you should trust itJust because they were the experts.But, of course, there were those upgradesAnd the quiet little tweakingThat one always did at run timeThat one never heard reported.Once he caught these key omissionsHiawatha got suspicious,And quite quickly found the practiceOf reporting neutron spectraIn some secret custom unitsGiven names like “counts” to fool you,Like those helpful content labelsFound on packs of sandwich slicesListing salt and beef by-products,Thus preventing one from tellingThere was very poor agreement.All this made a clearer picture

But it also meant the dataLike the air-brushed prints in PlayboyWere, in fact, manipulated,And that many strange behaviorsLike the famous funny phononDogma said was nonexistentGot removed as standard practiceOn the grounds they should not be there.Thus his plan to use those spectraTo pin down the magnetismPresent sometimes in the cupratesOn account of all the errorsEnded up a dismal failure.

* * *Hiawatha studied currentsMade when cold electrons tunnelRight across an insulatorWhere they should have been forbidden,Something very close to magicRather like the twinkly transportPeople undergo on Star Trek,And it’s also quite revealingOf important quantum pairingThat goes on inside the cuprate.In the old days one would simplyOxidize a thin-film sample,Coat the oxide with another,Solder on two tiny contacts,Dunk the whole thing into vaporsMade so cold that they were liquid,Then just measure plain resistanceOf the two protruding wires,Which would vary with the voltageThus producing useful data.Hiawtha read these papersWith a mounting sense of horror,For the wild disagreementEven in the basic featuresFrom one sample to anotherWas so large it left one breathless.And, of course, the accusationsThat the other guys were moronsWho just could not make good junctions

Rose to unmatched heights of grandeurEven though the real villain,Obvious from spectral sharpness,Was the sample variation.Hiawatha’s indignationEscalated when he found thatOver time this fact got buriedSince each group soon found a methodOf preparing stable samplesDifferent from that used by othersAnd producing different spectraThat they marketed as products,Thus evading any need toAnswer penetrating questions.An important fact, however,That emerged from all these studies,Was that steady lossless currentsCould indeed be made to flow fromFilms of lead into the cupratesIf one made a pitted surface,Proving that the state of matterOperating in the cupratesWas not new and was not different.

* * *

Ever helpful content labels

Hiawatha studied spectraMade when light shined on a sampleCauses it to lose electronsWhich fly out in all directionsAnd one can detect by counting,Thus obtaining informationOf their status in the sampleJust before the light removed them.Hiawatha saw at once that


Peaks for plain undressed electronsThat were not supposed to be thereIn this great new state of matterAlways were and had a sharpnessAt the resolution limitOf the latest new detectorFor the special ones at threshold,Where one knew what one was doing.In addition they were beamingIn a lovely fourfold patternWith the symmetry of d-wave,Something that had been suggestedThey might do if they were simple,Just like those in other metals.Thus the arguments for strangenessBased on counting these electronsLost their force as things got better,And in time were proved a failure.

* * *Hiawatha studied muons,Which he thought were even neaterThan the more prosaic neutrons,Since they came from atom smashersThat could also quickly kill youIf you chose to be so careless,But they’d stop inside much betterAnd once there, decay to gammasThat were easily detectedSince they’d even go through concrete,And, moreover, they’d be beamingIn the muon’s spin directionJust before it went to heaven.Thus, implanted in a cuprateThey’d arrest at some locationKnown to no one but their MakerAnd precess like little searchlights,If there was some magnetism,Thus allowing you to see itWay deep down inside the sample.Thus with knowledge of their trappingAnd a batch of big detectorsOne could then back out the distanceOf magnetic penetration.Hiawatha found this distanceShortened with increasing dopingJust as theory said should happen,If one forced the hubbard modelNot to be a quantum magnetBy just saying that it wasn’t,Which might well have been importantHad it not been for the problemThat this depth would not continueTo decline with increased doping

But instead would turn and lengthen.This effect was quite perplexing,Since no theory of the cupratesEven twisted hubbard models,Could account for such behavior,For it violated sum rules,Hence one just did not discuss it.But the meaning was transparentIf one faced the facts with courage,For the samples were degradingIn extremes of overdopingIn some ways that weren’t predictedAnd, moreover, weren’t detectedBy techniques except for this one.This, in turn, implied these problemsMight occur at other dopingsAnd likewise escape detectionOr, what’s worse, be used to argueThat new physics was occurringWhen, in fact, it was just garbage.Thus the trail blazed by muonsLed out in the woods to nowhere.

* * *Hiawatha studied spin flipsThat the nuclei of atomsUndergo in great big magnetsNear a radio transmitterCausing them to be antennas,Which absorb with complex lineshapesOne can read if one’s a geniusBut not, sadly, if one isn’t,Since they, by and large, consist ofJust a simple blobby bell curveWith a width and displaced center,To which one must give some meaning--Not a simple undertaking.Thus the all-important Knight shiftAnd spin-lattice relaxation,Noms de plume for width and center,Vastly different for the copperAnd the oxygen of cuprates,Were the source of endless theories,Often very thought-provoking,

Stunning in sophistication,But, like all those glossy pamphletsFound in waiting rooms of dentistsUrging you to practice flossing,Soon began to make you tired,Since the data mainly showed youThat the stuff was not a metalIn the sense of gold or ironWhich, in fact, one knew alreadyAnd was not a revelation.

* * *

Dental pamphlets make you tired.

Hiawatha studied structureOf the surfaces of cupratesFreshly cleaved inside a vacuumSo that air would not get on themAnd then probed with tiny needlesOne could move with great precision,By adjusting some piezosOn which everything was standing.What he found was quite disturbing,For while atoms at the surfaceAll had unperturbed positions,Showing that the cleave succeeded,There were also complex patternsOn the scale of twenty atomsThat appeared to be diffraction.This behavior might have come fromAtoms underneath the surfaceThat were missing or defectiveOr some novel magnetismOf a kind unknown to science,But the thing that so upset himWas that quantum interferenceOf the kind that he was seeingCould not happen if the lifetimes


AIR Teachers’ GuideThree out of five teachers agree: curiosity is a dangerous thing, especially in students. If you are one of the other two teachers, AIR and mini-AIR can be powerful tools. Choose your favorite hAIR-raising article and give copies to your students. The approach is simple. The scientist thinks that he (or she, or whatever), of all people, has discovered something about how the universe behaves. So:

• Is this scientist right -- and what does “right” mean, anyway?

• Can you think of even one different explanation that works as well or better?

• Did the test really, really, truly, unquestionably, completely test what the author thought he was testing?

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Were as short as he had thought them,And which had been used to argueFor a brand new state of matter.Thus he soberly concludedThat this matter wasn’t differentAnd the whole confounded storyWas a misinterpretationOf a plain materials problem.

* * *Thus the Mighty HiawathaThrough the patient applicationOf the practices of scienceTested over generationsSlowly sloughed off misconceptionsAnd, in face of mounting failure, Sadly came to the conclusionHe’d been taken to the cleaners.

* * *

Hiawatha Befriends the Robots

Given all the clever swindlesLurking there to take our money,That, of course, are part of living,Like a virus for pneumoniaOr a hungry venus fly trap,We must all be very thankfulThat the celebrated Law of MurphyStrikes at random without warningCausing even brilliant concepts,That appear completely foolproofLike distributing tobacco

Or the business plan of Enron,To sometimes become derailedDue to something unexpectedOne was sure could never happen,Like a lawsuit from consumers,That requires interventionOf the most creative natureTo prevent strategic meltdown.

* * *As it turns out, the ideaThat the conflict in the modelsOne was using for the cupratesDue to nearby phase transitionsWould both hamper their solutionAnd engender rampant fibbing,Thus enshrining mass confusionOne would then call proof of meaningWith no need to fear exposureHad the unexpected weaknessThat someone might solve the modelUsing tons and tons of moneyAnd some capable computersTo a crude degree sufficientTo unmask the real problemThus revealing the deception.

* * *

Sure enough, that’s just what happened.

Sure enough, that’s just what happened.When the cuprates were discoveredAnd the whole endeavor startedOne had not the slightest worryThat these guys would ever solve it,Since the accuracy neededWas not clear in the beginning,So they uniformly low-balledWith the too-familiar outcomeThat results were inconsistent.So they quarrelled over methodAnd who had convergence problemsAnd whose code was most clairvoyantEven though a child could see thatThey were different apparati,


So the test that they were workingWas agreement with each other.But, unlike the other issuesThat had come and gone before it,Cuprates lingered on as timelyLong enough to cause a shake-out,For the money kept increasingEven as machines got cheaperAnd their power kept on growing---Due, of course, to needs of gaming,Rather than the ones of LanczosOr the quantum monte carloThat one used for basic physics.So the robots kept on pluggingAs their owners upped the anteVery slowly, as did WagnerWhen composing Ring and TristanAnd their stuff began converging!There, of course, was no agreementOver matters of the phasesSuch as whether it conductedWhen one cooled it down to zero,Since a crystal of electronsWas one state in competition.But at length scales one could accessThere was clearly dissipationOf a most peculiar natureIn the dielectric functionAnd the quantum magnetism,Just exactly as predictedBy an ancient bunch of papersOver quantum phase transitions,Which these guys had never studiedSince it was too esotericAnd had not been seen in natureAnd was hated by their funders.But the thing that really clinched itWas the endless disagreement,That got worse as things proceededAnd was very clearly cronic,Over type and shape of edgesThat would best produce convergence,Since one found that subtle changesIn the way one built the modelWould turn on and off the striping

And therefore the insulation,So that whether it was presentIn the limit of large sampleSimply could not be determinedWith the codes that they had written.

* * *

Soon their stuff began converging.

This, of course, was a disasterFor the plan to keep things murkyAnd required drastic actionTo somehow repair the damageAll this progress had created,And prevent these guys from seeingWhat was right beneath their noses.

* * *And one was not disappointed.Once again a flash of brillianceLike a great big city-busterBrighter than the sun at midday,Blazed across the dome of heavenToward its final destinationIn the Guinness Book of Records.They declared the problem over!The computer guys had solved it!For their codes had proved the cupratesWere indeed the Hubbard model,And that’s why the stuff conducted.Thus there was no urgent reasonTo pursue the matter further!One could zero out their budgetsWith no loss to human knowledgeAnd, in fact, perhaps improve itSince this money was incentiveTo continue calculations

That were clearly unimportantAnd report them in the journalsThus just adding to the clutter.

* * *Hiawatha, now much wiserThrough his labors as a scholarAnd, quite frankly, some maturingWatched these things unfold before

him,As he had on past occasions,But this time with eyes wide openAnd was filled with understanding.It was not a happy moment,For it meant that his own judgmentAs to what was good and worthyHad been faulty from the outset,Something for which he must answer.But instead of

indignationAnd a passion to get evenThat he might have felt when youngerHiawatha, deep in thinking,Found himself consumed with sadness.He was not the only victim,For the guys who manned those robots,And were heroes of the cuprates--For through focussed dedicationThey had stumbled on the answerThat the models were unstableAnd did {\it not} describe the cuprates,Since a modest perturbationWould profoundly change their nature--Were about to have their triumphSnatched from them by clever scoundrelsWho, pretending to befriend them,Would then redefine their outputTo mean something that it didn’t,Thus protecting their investment,But, of course, destroying others.

* * *


Hiawatha’s Lamentation

Hiawatha’s knowing sadness,Like the darkening at twilightOr a gathering storm in winter,Slowly gained in strength and deepenedAs he spent time in reflection,Working through the implicationsOf the things that he had witnessedFor the cause of noble scienceThat thus far had so beguiled him.It would simply not be manlyTo pretend he wasn’t guiltyOf ignoring frequent warningsThat the needed path to natureWas obscured or nonexistent.It was clear that he’d been foolishTo have bought this awful fictionAnd that blame must fall quite squarelyOn himself and not on others.But this candid mea culpa,Made in silence where it mattered,While it comforted his conscience,Did not quite assuage the wounding,For it begged the nagging questionOf how they could have succeededIn hoodwinking all the peopleFor so long without some doubting.It was simply not an optionTo presume these guys were stupid,Since the instruments they dealt with,Often built by hand from nothing,Needed great sophisticationTo deploy and mine for data.There was clearly something largerAnd extremely fundamentalWorking in the group dynamicThat involved access to fundingAnd the policy of journalsAnd the need to service marketsAnd the mythos of the subjectOne must use to make a livingThat these crooks had first deciphered,Then reduced with understanding,Then usurped to do their bidding.

* * *

Hiawatha, turning inward,Thought for weeks about this problemDuring which he was obnoxiousDue to his preoccupation.But at last he got an answerThat made sense and was quite simple,Thus withstanding Occam’s razor,So he thought that he believed it.When he’d set out on his missionHe had understood the challengeOf the mastery of natureBut not basic economicsAnd the fact that art and scienceBoth require sacrificesOf a clear financial natureThat one sometimes just can’t handleNor, in fairness, should one do soSince a good guy pays the mortgage And supports the kids in collegeAnd the other things a bodyHas to do to keep the lights on.But, in fact, the compromises That one makes as part of livingSuch as saying what one has toFor maintaining healthy cash flowOften toss big monkey wrenches

Then the body gets diseases.

In the fine machine of scienceAnd can stop it altogetherIn conflicted situations.Then the body, badly weakened,Barely able to keep breathing,Gets exploited by diseases,Such as villains lacking scruplesWho descend on it like termitesTo a house that’s been neglected,Wreaking terrible destructionOn the lives of those affected.

* * *The conclusion of this storyIs well known from all the textbooks.Hiawatha never waveredIn his deep respect for physics,But he came by this adventureTo the deeper understandingThat to get things done that matteredOften was a social question,Not just logical abstraction,And, as well, a part of nature,Just the thing he thought he’d hated And had thrilled at desecratingAs a tender freshman studentIn the little private collegeBy the shores of Gitchee-Gumee.


It was true that all the creaturesLiving in those swamps and woodlandsGenerated lots of pooping,But then so did real people,And the people poop was stronger,So that one could not ignore it.But one really would not want to,For the lesson of the cupratesWas that lack of understandingOf these basic group dynamics,Was a recipe for failureSince they were the central issueFor most things that were essential.

* * *Thus the mighty HiawathaTurned his mind to other problemsSuch as how to use resourcesThat were his by luck and birthrightThrough the power of his fatherWhich he’d been inclined to squander,But now realized he shouldn’t.Thus he studied like a madmanTo acquire the skills of statecraft,Such as how to plan a project,How to give effective orders,How to make sure they were followed,How to get things done with meetings,

And to leave the money grubbingUp to folks his father hiredSuch as all those gifted spin docsWho created key revisionsNecessary for his imageTo be something people honored.Thus the pain of too much slidingOn the ice in dead of winterIn an inexpensive loinclothAnd his other misadventuresGot removed, as did the cuprates,From his long official story.But the memory persistedAnd it helped to make him wiserFor, of course, as he got older

They are forced to sit through lectures.

He had many bad encountersNot so different from the cuprates.

* * *But whenever he was troubledWith a problem that would vex himHe would cheer himself by thinkingOf the special room in HadesInto which these happy peopleOn account of their transgressionsWould be ushered when they bagged itAnd be stuck in there forever,Forced to listen to each otherGiving lectures on the cuprates.It would always leave him smiling.

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