Helping Yourself

Through the Holidays

By Dr. Lee Drake, Ph. D.

The stores and malls are already filled with many of the signs and sounds of the holidays. Each year the frenzies of buying and selling seem to begin earlier and earlier. The merchants want to get as much possible out of this time of the year, so the world is bombarded with the “sights and sounds” of the season. Most individuals look forward with a certain amount of anticipation to Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas. The one who has lost a sibling or a child this past year or even years before looks to this time of the year with great dread and even fear. They wish, in a way, that they could go to bed on November 1st and wake up on January 2nd of next year. The first holidays after the death of a loved one may be especially difficult for the survivors. If you or someone you know is facing the holiday season and dreading feelings of emptiness, there are a number of things you can do to cope. Don’t be afraid to grieve, if you need to, and set aside time to be alone if you want. You can also relive the happy memories by talking about your loved one to those who care. It has been suggested that people do what they want to do, whether that means staying home, going to religious services or visiting family or friends. If you seem to enjoy this time or a special event, don’t feel guilty. Experiencing joy is giving and receiving. This doesn’t mean that you have forgotten your child or sibling or that you loved him or her any less. The griever enters this time of the year with a number of questions about their grief. They have a number of fears and concerns. Let’s look at some of them so we can get a better understanding of what the griever sees in most cases: First, there is the anticipation of the pain of the holidays—The pain of facing “the first” holiday without that very special child or sibling. Then there is the fear and pain of other people being happy and joyous when you are not and are very alone. We live in a family society and while everyone else will be with family, you will be alone or missing a family member! Solution--try to plan ahead and be with someone and spend the day or a few days with those you love. Don’t make it a taboo to talk about your loved one, and balance your time with others with some time alone for yourself. Second, the fear of preparation for the holidays—Grief is very tiring and taxing. It drains those who are grieving. The holidays are also a very busy and tiring time, as we all know—the sending of cards, the buying, wrapping, cooking, and giving of gifts. The holiday parties and even the special holiday music and programs seem to make the griever not have any energy at all. They want to be alone and not involved. Solution--No one says that you have to do any of those things. If it makes you feel good to cook and bake and buy do so--if it doesn’t, don’t. Don’t allow others to put you into their mold. If you decide to do things—make a plan and work it.

Send out a few cards a day—buy a gift at a time, and not all at once. Pace yourself—don’t over do it! It is most important that you don’t impose things on yourself that you can’t do. You might want to use special ways to memorialize your love one. Suggestions may be: •Give a gift in memory of your child, brother, or sister. •Attend a special memorial service and pay respect to those you love and miss. •Make a special ornament and hang it on a tree in memory of your loved one. •Do for others and it will make you feel good. •Organize your shopping with a specific list and a budget. •Divide responsibilities for meals, decorating, or wrapping with your family. •Take time for others--contact your local churches or charities for information about serving food to the homeless or collecting gifts for needy children. This may be especially helpful if you’re away from loved ones during the holidays. •Take time for yourself—enjoy the holiday season as best you can. The purpose of the season is to create happiness. And if you are happy, those around you will be, too! •Be careful of “should”—it is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, try not to get involved. And don’t forget: Anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday. Keep a balance in your life and remember that you are loved. Drake, a bereaved sibling with a long background on the subject of grief and grief recovery, was a much sought after speaker and was a writer as well as a public relations director for a funeral home group in Florida, prior to his death in 2005.

~taken from “We Need Not Walk Alone”, the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends

Copyright 1997-2011

Time turns and at your doorstep waits another Christmas and another year… Time sings a gentle song for you to hear: “Let there be Christmas now, invite the coming year, what you have loved is always near.”

~Sascha Wagner “The Poems of Sascha Wagner”

Meeting Topics & Info December 1- Deadline to send in order for Luminary

December 5 - Holiday Potluck Dinner at 6:30 December 8 - Candlelight Remembrance Program January 2 - “Facing the New Year” What we can do to help ourselves in 2014.

Our 13th Annual Candle Lighting

Remembrance Program December 8 @ 6:30pm

Our program will take place at the Canyon Country Park located

at 17615 Soledad, beginning at 6:30pm. This very touching evening includes music, video presentation, the reading of poems in addition to the lighting of candles at 7:00 p.m. Candles will be provided to all who attend. The holiday season is an extremely difficult time of year for families grieving the death of a child. This candle lighting ceremony is a symbolic way of showing the love we continue to carry for our children, even though they can no longer be with us physically. Please mark your calendar and invite your friends, neighbors, and relatives to come and share with you this very moving celebration of all children who have died. If you can’t be with us, light a candle at home so that “light may always shine”.

December 5 @ 6:30

Our December meeting will be our Holiday Potluck Dinner. Please bring your favorite, or

maybe your child’s favorite dish to share with our group. Paper goods, dessert and drinks will be provided. Our

meeting will begin at 6:30 instead of 7:00 for this special dinner meeting only.

Welcome New Members

Attending your first meeting takes

courage and it is always hard to say

“welcome” because we are so very sorry for the reason

which made you eligible for our membership in TCF.

However, we are glad you found us! We cannot take

away your pain but we can offer our friendship and

support, Do try and to attend at least 3 meetings so you

have a chance to meet others who are bereaved and

discover that special acceptance that occurs with new

friends who truly understand.

New to our chapter are: Craig & Nora Kawasaki,

Parents of Cobey

Something New!

Great news, with the help of Laura Erdmann we have just created a Facebook page for our chapter. Check it out at www.facebook.com/TheCompassionateFriendsofSantaClaritaCa We will be listing our meetings, events, and some special links. You can also stay in touch with other chapter members to share in your grief. Just one more way we hope you might find some help in your journey of grief. If you have any questions about this, please let us know.

Angels Across The USA Final Tour

A Visit From

Alan Pedersen on

January 9, 2014

HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!

We just got word that due to a major change taking

place in Alan’s professional life that he will not be

able to sing/speak at our scheduled date of January 9.

He is hoping to reschedule at a later date. Hopefully

that will happen,...we will keep you informed as soon

as we know anything!

Chanukah Is Here

Chanukah is here. I see the candles glow, red, pink, and blue.

But you’re not here to see their pretty shadows. I shop for gifts,

And this year, again, once more I won’t be in a quandary of what to buy.

I give you my love, my precious son, for that is eternal. And once again, It will have to do.

Ginnette Kravel

TCF, Central Jersey

Christmas

Past

I am spending Christmas in the past this year A time of laughter and good cheer.

When the kids where all gathered round the tree with delight

And my heart took a picture, of this most perfect night.

A warm fire and some eggnog, hugs, and big smiles My heart and mind race back through time and miles.

The laughter and fun we all shared is still there The Christmas of the present is just too bare.

So I choose Christmas of past gone years

The ones that were not filled with heartache and tears. And if you care to join me all you have to do Is gently close your eyes, remember a time,

and in a second you will be there too.

Remember the love from the past is still here It does not leave us, and is always near.

So no matter where you spend Christmas this year Be filled with the love, of the past gone years.

~Sheila Simmons

In memory of her son Steve Simons 3/24- 10/19 Lovingly lifted from: www.tcfatlanta.org

How Many Stockings

Do We Hang?

I began a tradition after that first dreadful Christmas blur of hanging my daughter’s stocking up along with the rest of the family. Then each year I do something special in her memory...like take a name from an “Angel Tree” at the mall or where ever and buy a gift for a needy child in her memory. I put the angel note in her stocking. Things like that. As the years are passing, her stocking is filling up with good deeds done in her memory and things I know she would appreciate knowing were done in her name, my beloved “Carissa.” It helps refocus the heartbreak of missing her into something positive and helpful. The pain eases over the years but Christmas is always so hard to get through no mater what. God comfort you all as you face another Christmas without your precious children. Peace and Hugs,

~Debby, mom to angel Carissa

10/1994 - 10/1995 Lovingly lifted from the

TCF Atlanta Online 12/8/04 issue

Were Received From:

Shelly & Gary Carter

In Loving Memory of her daughter:

Sarah Noelle Carter 12/27 - 1/26

You’re always in my heart I’ll love you every day, I always think of you

In my heart you will always stay.

I look up to the stars and see the beauty that you touch, My angel lives up above the clouds

and I miss her so very much.

She lives in heaven with God and has walked that blessed mile, I just wish someone would tell me

how to live without her beautiful smile. ~by Shelly Carter, Mother of Sarah

Sarah was an angel to all - the elderly, handicapped, animals, and small children. What a beautiful heart,

beautiful smile and beautiful grey-blue eyes.

Happy Birthday, we love & miss you, always in our hearts Mom & Dad

Cliff & Terry Kelling

In Loving Memory of their daughter:

Alicia Overman 12/24 - 12/16

Beth Moore &

Thomas & Donna Rogers

In Loving Memory of their

daughter & granddaughter:

Whitney Rebecca Moore 7/1 - 12/12

Candlelight Remembrance Program December 8, 2013 6:30pm6:30pm6:30pm6:30pm

Photo Presentation &Luminaries

Canyon Country Park 17615 Soledad

Canyon Country, CA Sponsored by the Compassionate Friends

Of Santa Clarita

Again this year we will have a video presentation of our children’s, sibling’s, and grandchildren’s photos. You do not have to be member of the Santa Clarita Chapter to have their photo included in this presentation. Photos must be received by November 22 to be included in the video. A digital photo is preferred and should be emailed to Alice at TCF.SCV@gmail.com. If you only have a hard copy of your photo, it can be sent to Alice Renolds at 27949 Park Meadow Dr. Canyon Country, CA 91387. Please include your name, loved one’s name, address, and phone number so your photo can be returned to you. If your loved one was in the presentation last year, they will be included again this year.

Also available for purchase are luminaries in memory of your child/sibling/grandchild as a small fundraiser for $10.00. If you are unable to make our November meeting to come and decorate one, please fill out and mail in the order form below. We will take care of the rest for you and put it out on the walkway the night of the program! The deadline for ordering luminaries is December 1.

# _____of Luminaries with ba�ery operated candle ($10.00 each) Total $

Name(s) to appear on Luminary (PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY)

Please mail order form and check (made out to TCF of Santa Clarita) to:

Alice Renolds

27949 Park Meadow Dr.

Canyon Country, CA 91387

Orders must be received by December 1, 2013