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Helping Children Cope With Loss
Gerald P. Koocher, Ph.D., ABPP
Understanding Basic Tasks Accepting the reality of the
loss Grieving: experiencing the
pain and emotion associated with the loss
Adjusting to the new reality Commemoration: relocating
representation of the deceased in one’s own life
Basic StrategiesFind out what the child
already knows.Anticipate the child’s fears.Correct misconceptions.Give clear information.Invite questions and
participation.
Commonly Unasked Questions
Did I make that happen?– Is it my fault?
Is that going to happen to me? Is it going to happen to
someone else I care about? Who will take care of me?
Pre-Operational Children
External locus of causality
– Little sense of personal agency
Proximal causality
– Temporal or physical contiguity = cause
Magical thinking
– Wishes and fears can make things happen
Pre-Operational Children
Imminent justice
Bad things happen as the result of bad behavior or bad thoughts
Limited perspective-taking skills
Inability to take on another’s viewpoint
Concrete-Logical Children (ages 7-11)
Increased causal sophistication Awareness of internal or distal causation
Concrete reasoning Germs and personification of illness
Early grasp of physical laws Focus on physical states, not processes Difficulty with future perspective
Inability to use prevention concepts effectively
Intervention Strategiesfor Younger Children
Give clear information. Point out differences between
the deceased and the child. Avoid figures of speech. Don’t make analogies to sleep. Draw on the child’s own
language and experiences. Ask the child to re-explain.
Intervention Strategies• Give concrete
explanations consistent with family values and practices
• Debunk magical thinking
• Assess and address attributions
• Provide reassurance about significant others, if relevant
• Incorporate in family rituals and mourning
• Offer control opportunities
What Mediates the Mourning Process?
The loss event Pre-existing relationships Rituals Functioning of survivors Family and community
influences (social support systems)
Individual characteristics
What Can I Say or Do?
Avoid clichés and adult metaphors
Use your own empathy Offer social support Let mourners dictate what will
help
Adolescents’ Interest in Bereavement
“What’s Normal?”How do other people cope?How should I react?Will I make a fool of
myself?
Projects for Older Children
Historical observations
Examples from literature
Interviewing across age levels
Role playing
Self-exploration; my obituary, memorial
Hypothetical thinking; what complicates grief mourning; why?
Explore cultural variations or sex differences