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My sister has turrets (not medically) for her birthday I made her a self help book!
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pronunciation similes
best used: in bars at parties
best overt prefixes: you* you are a total* you are such a*
best subtle prefixes: oh* are you the* where is the* (quickly suffixed by) oh there you are.
best accompanying phrase: I simply meant that you do not have a mother
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acronyms
best used: when parting company when leaving meetings by text message
best overt prefixes: you* you are a total* you are such a*
best subtle prefixes: yeah, definitely* * or maybe i’ll C-U-Next Thursday
best accompanying phrase: I think i’ll C-U-Next Time
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mix-ups
best used: when looking a peoples t-shirts when pretending to by dyslexic when being enthused by british football
best overt suffixes: * off * up * me * you * ing hell * wit * off (again)
best subtle use: point and laugh, while repeating*
best accompanying phrase: nah, thanks though
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everyday words
best used: in a bank when an a associate is being cheap
best overt prefixes: you total*
best subtle prefixes: have you always been a*
best accompanying phrase: I always thought bankers went blind by your age
suitable alternatives: tanker puck muck duck
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rude normals
best used: when you’ve stubbed your toe in the veg isle
best overt uses: go away you* you’re really very * how * is that when the * hits the fan now you’re in deep*
best subtle uses: this restaurant we ate in was* have you ever used * to cook with, it suits your style
best accompanying phrase: nope i’m not into * like you are
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ornithology
best used: on a farm or on a walk especially good in cars and trains
best overt prefixes: stop your warbling* did you see that*
best subtle prefixes: are you blue* did you see that pair of*
best accompanying phrase: did you hear that? sounds like a tit, oh no it was just you
suitable alternatives: cock thrush red breast boobie cracks
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rhyming slang
best used: when trying to be a ‘londoner’ when you are discussing great bodies of water when you wish to disguise the fact you are talking rubbish when you wish to discourage others from conversing with you
best overt uses: * up ohh* that’s total*
best subtle use: be care full with*
best accompanying phrase: I always have had a special relationship with my*
suitable alternatives: brighton rock fillet of cod horse and cart thrupenny bits turkish delight
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numbers up
best used: in emails and texts when gratifying stuff in letters to ex’s and bankers
best overt prefixes: it’s* I feel like* you smell like*
best subtle use: best avoided for subtlety
best accompanying phrase: sssssshhhhh, one tea
suitable alternatives: t3at whor3 g1t
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foreigners
best used: with a fake foreign accent at those people with surveys outside M&S when police ask you to move your car
best overt suffixes: actually swear *
best subtle use: a load of foreign garble*
suitable alternatives: merde = sh1t pokeye = fcuk nichons = t1ts zorra = b1tch
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spoonerisms
best used: when telling stories about made up people when pretending you have forgotten some ones name when filling in pointless forms
best overt prefixes: you have* you are a pair of*
best subtle prefix: have you ever known*
best accompanying phrase: you must know, you are always hanging around with*
suitable alternatives: cary hunt mary hinge joe blob
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if you can’t say anything nice... don’t say anything at all!
best used: all the time when you are really angry but still like the person you are arguing with when you know that, really, you are just in a grump