Handling Anger

Handling Anger

Amy M. Moreno, PCC

Notes at:AmyMorenoCounseling.com

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Handling Anger

Roms 8:1-4

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us who do not live according to the sinful nature but according the Spirit.

Handling AngerScriptures

God gets angry:Ex 22:23,24: “Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If

you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your

wives will become widows and your children fatherless.”

Nu 32:10: “Why do you discourage the Israelites from going over into the land the Lord has given them? The Lord's anger was

aroused...”

2 Kings 22:13: “Great is the Lord's anger that burns against us because our fathers have not obeyed the words of this book; they have not acted in accordance with all that is written there

concerning us.”

Handling AngerScriptures

And yet scriptures also say that God is slow to anger, abounding in love.Ex. 34:6, And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, the Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving

wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished....

Nu 14:18 the Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished....

Ne, 9:17 They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them...But You are a forgiving God, gracious and

compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.Ps. 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime.

Ps 86:15 But you O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Ps 103:8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not accuse, nor will he harbor his anger

forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve...

Handling AngerStyles of Anger

Anger Avoidance (1-3)

Sneaky Anger (4-6)

Anger turned Inward (7-9)

Sudden Anger (10-12)

Shame-based Anger (13-15)

Deliberate Anger (16-18)

Excitatory Anger (19-21)

Habitual Hostility (22-24)

Fear-based Anger (25-27)

Moral Anger (28-30)

Resentment and Hate (31-33)

Handling AngerEffects on Children

Children who witness anger, emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical violence walk on eggshells:

The usual symptoms are:

Depression (looks like chronic boredom)

Anxiety

School problems

Aggressiveness

Hyperactivity

Low self-esteem

Over emotionality

No emotions at all

Handling AngerEffects on Children

Psychologist Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D. Of Drexel University

“Yelling is often ineffective. Children become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out. Research shows that parents whose only way of disciplining their children is by yelling, demanding or commanding have children that at age four or five are more likely to display physical or verbal aggression, social withdrawl, and a lack of positive behaviors, such as sharing and empathy.”

Handling Anger

What if I explode sometimes?

Matthew McKay, Ph.D. Spent two years studying parental anger and its effects on children. His research found, “If you are screaming nearly every day, it's a rare child that won't be hurt by that, but, on the other hand, conflict once a month, or even once a week, isn't necessarily harmful. It just can't be perceived as a personal attack or a physical threat. In other words, there's a big difference between yelling, “I'm so angry” and yelling at your child, “You've really messed up this time,” or between slamming your fist on the counter or slamming your child into his chair.”

Handling Anger

One of the greatest shields against our anger:

Heidi Feldman, MD, chief of general pediatrics at Children's Hospital of Pittsubrgh and a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. “One of the greatest shields against the effects of an occasional blow-up is a strong and loving relationship with your child. If you have a positive relationship with your child, and vice versa, so that your children are securely attached to you and enjoy your company, if you lose your temper from time to time, it's very different than if a parent doesn't have a good relationship. A child can endure a lot as long as his basic needs are being met.”

Handling AngerStrategies

Offer a Choice:

Your child's friend came over to play. You hear name-calling. “You're stupid.” “You're a geek.” “Well, you're a nerd.” Instead of getting angry and yelling, “Just stop that right now!” offer a choice. “I hear name-calling. You have a choice. Either the name-calling must stop, or your friend must go home.” If you hear name calling again, send the friend home with an apology and the hope of a better playtime together tomorrow.

Handling AngerStrategies

Express Your Feelings:

You're exhausted from a long day at work, you walk in the door to the annoying sounds of your kids screaming “She ruined my game.” “I didn't mean to; it's just a stupid old game anyway.” “It's my favorite game.” “I hate having a little sister.” Instead of blaming them by saying “You kids are making me so mad! I work hard all day and don't need to come home to this fighting.” Instead, express your feelings: “I'm crabby. I've had a terrible day. When I hear fighting, it makes me crabbier. Get a snack. I'm taking a bath.”

Handling AngerStrategies

Accept Your Child's Feelings

Your daughter is insulting her stepsister who is visiting for the weekend. Instead of saying “You're being rude and jealous” in an angry voice, accept your child's feelings by saying “I understand it's difficult to share your dad when your stepsister comes for the weekend, but I will not allow you to be rude.” If rudeness continues, send her to her bedroom for some quiet time.

Handling AngerStrategies

State a Rule

The children's disagreement have come to blows. Rather than scream an angry threat like “That hitting must stop instantly or we're not going to the movie!” state a rule by saying “Hitting is not allowed. Suzie, you empty the dishwasher and Michael, make your bed. We'll discuss the movie when your chores are done

Handling AngerErikson's Psychosocial Theory

Stage Age Range Central Issue Frustrations

Trust vs. Mistrust Birth to 1 year Can I trust others? Can't get a response from others, feeding,

Autonomy vs shame and doubt

1 to 3 years Can I act on my own? Not being able to do things for myself, adult hovering when trying to do things

Initiative vs. guilt 3 to 6 years Can I carry out my plans?

Things preventing me from my plans, sharing personal space, moving to another activity

Industry vs. inferiority 6 to 12 years Am I competent compared with others?

Feeling incompetent in academics and/or social relationships, increasing expectations

Handling AngerScriptures

Scriptural Instructions about handling anger:Pr 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word

stirs up anger Pr 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man

keeps himself under control Pr 30:33 For as churning the milk produces butter, and as

twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife

Eph 4:26 In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

James 1:20 for a man's anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.