Marriage may end but parenthood goeia on

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1) Introduction‘Divorce’, ‘Separation’, these are tough decisions made by the

parents and often lead to significant changes in one’s life. Whilst the parentsare adjusting themselves to their new lives, their children will also havedifferent emotion and behavioural reaction as a response to this change.Although you may be eager to move on and cut off any connections withone another, in the best interests of the children, both parents shouldwork together and share responsibilies to contribute to the developmentof the children. They should work out the caring arrangement that is goodto the children and manage their and the children’s emotion. The effortsfrom both parents will cushion the negative impacts of this separation andalso provide the children a stable environment to grow. In the hearts of thechildren, you will always be their parent forever, and your care and lovewould be a precious gift for the children.

In order to facilitate the separated/divorced parents to adjust totheir new lives and to have a better understanding of the importance ofparental responsibilities in raising their children, a series of 3 bookletsis produced for parents’ reference. Parents’ handbook 1 focuses onthe effects of separation/divorce on the parents, how to cope with theemotional scars, and how to accept and adapt to this change. Besides,

parents should understand and care about the children’s needsand at the same time try their best to facilitate their childrento overcome the psychological changes arisingfrom the parents’ separation/divorce.

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2) Effects on the parentsWhen two people come together in marriage,

none of them will wish to see the end. So when divorcebecomes the only solution, it can have different levels ofimpact to different people. You may experience a rollercoaster type of emotional ride, loneliness and lingeringpain that don’t go away in just a blink of an eye. Thiscan bring unexpected changes in life and cause you toconsistently adjust yourself to it. Overtime, it will lead toa tiring mind and body.

You may encounter different levels of grief andtransformation, ranging from losing your relationshipswith your extended family and friends, a shift inparenting role and/or to a change in living or financialstatus. Understanding what this split can bringwill strengthen your ability to accept andmanage your own emotion. It alsohelps you realise your child might haveexperienced a painful process like theirparents.

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towardseachother.

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Confronting your emotions Separation/divorce may bring you a chain of emotions:

Exhaustion Separation/divorcearrangements can bevery stressful leading tofluctuation in emotion.

Sorrow/Anger

Failure in the marriagemay bring you down, oreven bring resentment

Worry The uncertainty forthe future, and theimpacts it will have onyour children.

Guilt Guilt towards yourchildren and ex-partner.

Majority of people are aware of their unstable andoverly sensitive emotions, and these feelings may strikeanytime. Although we can’t control how we feel, we havethe ability to choose how to react to it. Keep in mind that howyou manage your own emotions and how you treat yourex-partner will have direct impact on how your childrenadjust to this separation/divorce.

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ontothechildren.

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Inappropriate behavior

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For the one living with the children

Treatingthe children as

listeners, sharing andprojecting negativefeelings to yourchildren.

When childrenbecome the centerof everything, it canincrease the chance ofconflict in parenting. Leverage them and

use them as middle personto check up on the ex-partneror pursue claims. This will catchthe children in the middle anddestroy the trust betweenyour children and the other

parent.

Complaining about your ex-partner in front of the children

leading to their resistance towards theother parent. Push the children to describethe process of their contact with your

ex-partner and feel discontent when seeing thclose bonding between the two during the ex-partner’s contact with them because of thlack of confidence in your children. And evedisplaying the anger towards the ex-partner

these feelings and seek a bright way out.

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For the one not livingwith the children

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Due to the worrythat the relationshipwith the children will

become distant, overly spoilyour children in an effort tomake up for the lack of

bonding time.

Feel stressful anduneasy when the childrenreact negatively during yourcontact with them and blamethe other parent. Or because ofconflicts between the two adults,eventually give up on visiting

your children.Afraid that thechildren are beingbrainwashed by the ex-partner and hencedo not acceptoneself.Feel being unfairly

treated, accusing thechildren for siding withthe ex-partner anddistant from onese

Tell theother parentoff in front of thechildren.

Get informationabout the ex-partnerthrough the children.

Feel sorry for thechildren and hence relyon materials to show yourlove and care or excessivelyaccommodate the requests

of the children.

Whether you live with your children or not, how you copewith your own emotions, and how you interact with them duringthis separation/divorce can lead to different levels of stress andunsettling feelings. In order to maintain a stable relationshipand facilitate steady growth of your children, you must manage

Treat yourself well

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Managing your emotions

Regardless of the reason behind this separation/divorce, bothparents are going through a very tough period of time. In order to walkout from the shadow of the ex-partner, and minimise the effects on yourchildren, it is crucial to self-heal and manage grief in the correct way.The emotions of separated/divorced parents will directly affect how theyproceed forward with their new roles; your children are very sensitive inhow you interact with your ex-partner. Remember, the emotional impactbetween the parents and children goes both ways, therefore you shouldmanage yours well and learn to let go.

Break ups can lead to a variety of negative feelings, keepingthese feelings unchecked will cause more problems and bring harm toyour children when you display anger onto them.

Nega

tive emotions

Resentment Feeling

resentful when yousee or hear about the

ex-partner.

TIPS

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Resolving resentment Try releasing the energy throughcardio exercises. You can also

explore doing relaxing activities suchas listening to music or meditating tosooth yourself. Constantly remindyourself to let go, block off anynews about the ex-partner canalso expedite the process.

Negative emotions

Denial Reluctant to let

other people knowabout the divorce, orpurposely avoid going tothe social events that youused to go as a couple.

TIPS

Accept thetruth proactively

We often automatically turn intodenial when facing undesirablesituations. We need to acceptthe truth, cut ourselves loose fromthe past relationship and establisha new identity. For example, joinactivities that interest you andcreate opportunities to meet newfriends; set a plan for change

and stick to it.

Negative e

motions

Depression Break up can bring a chainof gloomy feelings, which can

lead to depression, taking away ourinterest in everything and stoppingus from doing things that we like. Thiscycle can go on and on, lasting for afew hours or days or worse. Withoutproper treatment, it will affect yourdaily routine, work and social

life.

TIPS Live healthy

First and foremost, wemust bring ourselves back toa regular routine life. You may

choose to join community activitiesthat you like, participate in socialevents, interact with the others andstay away from negative thoughts.Increasing the amount of exercisecan also rejuvenate our bodiesand refresh our minds.

If you struggle to cope withyour feelings arising from separation/divorce, you can talk to someonethat you trust, or seek help fromprofessional social workers andcounsellors. The last thing you want isto take it out towards your ex-partneror children.

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Acceptance and adjustment In order to start a new chapter in life and lessen the fallout onthe children, you have to accept the fact and try to establish a newpartnership with your ex-partner in this separation/divorce. Duringthe transformation, you will encounter changes in relationships andfinances. For example, you will notice changes in the dynamicsbetween you and your extended friends or family; there will also bechanges in your financial status, which may require you to develop anew system to manage your finance. After acceptance and adjustment,you can slowly try and develop a new role and working relationshipwith the ex-partner, give a new definition to your life and re-evaluateyour goals. Sometimes, your ex-partner might not be able to performthe father or mother role and share the responsibilies with you, butin the interests of your children, you need to step up and handle thesituation with positivity and grace as under this family situation yourchildren will particularly require your love and care.

Tips

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Tips to treatyourself well

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Hold on to thepositivity. If you are afraid

of the unknown, try shifting theenergy to things that are withinyour control. If you feel lonely andhelpless, try distracting yourselfwith interesting activities or joinsome support groups for single

parent.

Let go of thenegativity; calmlyand peacefully

resolve conflicts withthe ex-partner.

Grant yourselfthe luxury time todo things that you

like.

If you have difficultyconcentrating at work, speakto your supervisor or colleagues

about your situation, and try to look fora solution that both sides can benefit from.May it be applying for leaves or reshufflingworking hours for you to get more rest.Set a deadline to this arrangement.Understand your limit and also let thepersons surround you know your

situation.

Before proceedingwith any major changes,first identify the potentialobstacles and only focus onthe ones that are within yourcontrol. Let go of things that arinevitable. Set a goal and get

to it step by step

If you still findyourself deeply affectedand drenched by the

separation/divorce, pleaseseek help from professionalsocial workers andcounsellors.

3) My children

Separation/divorce can lead to dramatic changes

to both the adults’ and the children’s lives. When parents

separate/divorce, the children are also being affected by this

decision. Therefore, separated/divorced parents not only

have to manage their own conflicting feelings, they also need

to attend to the children’s needs and demands.

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During the separation/divorce, children tend to have a lot

of question marks in their heads – “Do my parents not love me

anymore?”, “Am I the cause of this because I did something

wrong?”, “Will I still be able to see my mom/dad?” etc. They will

experience different feelings. At the beginning, they might be in

denial of the separation and falsely believe that both parents are

still together. As they slowly learn to accept the truth, they may

show resentment and disappointment towards this decision, and

that they think they do not deserve this. When it is halfway through

the separation, some children will still hope for a chance that both

parents will get back together – “If I behave myself and get good

grades, then maybe my parents will stop fighting and get back

together”. They may feel a great degree of sadness when later on

that they finally realise there is no turning around.

Reaction towards parents’ separation/divorce in different ages:

0 - 3years old

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Emotions and characteristics

• They do not understand thesplit but are sensitive to theintense atmosphere. Theymay act anxiously and cry.

• They rely heavily on theparents and are afraid ofthe split. They will miss theparents after the separation.

• They can easily get angry,worry and possibly withbehavioural regression as itis a channel to let out theiranxiety.

• They are consistently testingpeople’s boundaries throughdisobedience.

What they need

• Physical intimacy from theparents (e.g. hugging orfeeding), and a stable livingenvironment to grow.

• A regular schedule to bewith each parent and spendquality time together.

• Clear and consistentparenting style from bothparents to establish a senseof security.

• Do not expose yourchildren to any argument ordisagreement between youand your ex-partner.

• Tell them you still love them.

4 - 8years old

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Emotions and characteristics

• They feel sad about theseparation and consistentlythink of the other parent.

• They may think they arethe cause of the separationand feel guilty for it. Theyfantasise seeing the parentsgetting back together.

• They have dilemma of whichside they should be on andfeel caught in between.

• Blame one of the parents forthis separation and let outtheir anger towards him/her.

• Overly sensitive about theconflict or emotional changebetween both parents.

What they need

• Explain to them the reasonbehind this separation, givethem support and comfort.

• Assure them of your loveverbally and physically.Comfort their emotion.

• Maintain a stable and regularlife routine; give them noticebefore making any changesso they are mentally preparedfor it.

• Avoid involving them inconflicts between you andyour ex-partner.

• Allow them to have affectiontowards the other parentand spend time togetherregularly.

9 - 12years old

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Emotions and characteristics

• They have a very basicunderstanding of the situationand how the parents feel.

• They make moral judgmenton parents’ behaviour andjudge that one is “good” andthe other is “bad”.

• They may experiencedifferent unsettling feelings,such as anger, despair,helplessness and loneliness.

• Their self-esteems arelowered because of theunfavourable image of theparents.

• Their grades on studies maydrop.

What they need

• They need healthyrelationships with not justone, but both parents.

• Avoid arguing in front of themor criticising the other parent.Respect your ex-partner asyour children’s mother/father.

• They need a stable andregular schedule to spendtime with each of the parent.

• Listen to how they feeland try to understand theirfrustrations.

13 - 18years old

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Emotions and characteristics

• They think the conflictbetween the two parents ischildish. They are ashamedand annoyed by it.

• They understand the reasonbehind the break up and feelfrustrated for not being ableto help their parents.

• They feel burdened becauseof having to share theresponsibility of taking careof younger siblings andcomforting the parents.

• They struggle to pick sides,and once they do, they willdistance themselves fromthe other parent.

• Instead of spending timeon their studies, they focuson creating problems as anattempt to grab attentionsfrom parents.

• They are tired of being theemotional support for theparent and feel neglected.They therefore actrebelliously and may evenrun away from home.

What they need

• Opportunities and healthychannels to express theirfeelings and thoughts.

• Do not rely on the children foremotional support or dependon the elder one to take careof the younger siblings.

• Do not give them thepressure of having to standby one’s side.

• For the parent who doesn’tlive with the children, try tounderstand your children’sviews and be flexible whenscheduling the bonding time.

How to assist children to adapt to the separated lives:

Explain the situation to them in theircomprehendible language; ensure them that this isa decision made by the two adults, and that thereis nothing for them to feel liable for.

Assure them of your love and carethrough action. They are very vulnerableduring this period of time, and they needyour love and support – it could simply beby telling them you love them verballyover and over again.

Be sensible and listen to their conflictingemotions caused by this separation/divorce;provide them a healthy channel to expressthese feelings.

Tell them the specific living arrangement afterdivorce, such as their daily routine, caring andliving arrangement, bonding schedule, schooling...etc. Listen to their views as far as possible so thatthey can be prepared psychologically and settlemore easily.

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Try to provide a stable environment for the children thebest you can – attending the same school, keeping in touchwith the existing group of friends, as well as keeping the sameliving and resting schedule. Do not rush into making any bigchange. Let them know beforehand so they can be mentallyprepared, and gradually progress step by step.

As the parent that lives with the children, tryand spend as much time as possible with themto build up a sense of security; as the parent thatdoesn’t live with the children, try and visit themregularly, so they feel loved and protected. Thatway they can cope with the separation better.

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Assist and encourage the older children tobuild good relationships between their siblings,classmates, teachers and neighbours, so theycan gain more support in dealing with the parents’separation/divorce and rebuilding their esteem andconfidence.

What will help the children most – things that parents can do

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Make sure your children understand they are not the faults to thisseparation.

Try not to express inhospitality towards your ex-partner when yourchildren are around.

Stay silent if there is nothing positive to say about your ex-partner.

Do not expose your children to the anger or conflicts with your ex-partner.

Despite the disagreements between you and your ex-partner, tryto align on the same direction in parenting, at least in front of thechildren.

Cherish the time you get to spend with your children.

Ensure them that there is nothing wrong with loving the other parentas well.

Do not blame your ex-partner for your children’s anxiety, fears andproblems. Do not complain to either your children or ex-partner.

Try your very best to help your children cope with the separation/ divorce, and ensure them that there is no need to feel ashamed bythe separation/divorce.

Do not introduce your children to too many changes at once.

Manage the chores systematically so that you can still manage thehousehold properly without your ex-partner.

Do not quiz your children on whom they love more or whom theywant to live with more.

Encourage your children to continue their daily routines andactivities.

Do not give them false hope or angrily deny them for wanting to seeyou and your ex-partner getting back together though it is their wish.Maintain your calmness.

You should seek professional help if you have the below problems:

Your children’s depression lasts for a long period of time andhasn’t shown any improvement.

You feel helpless on how to make the situation better for your children.

Q & A – how to answer your children’s questions

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s?

The children will face a tough time adjusting after the parents havebeen separated. They are unsure about the cause for this split andwill have a lot of questions in mind. Answer their questions honestlywith positivity. This will help minimise their anxiety.

Is it my fault that myparents are divorced?

The reason why mom and dad aredivorced is because they can no longerget along with each other. It was adecision made by the two of them, andthat it is absolutely not your fault.

How can I help resolvethe conflicts betweenmy parent There is no need for you to

try to resolve adult’s problems, ortake sides. If possible, try and leave the roomwhere the conflict is taking place, distract yourselfby doing something else such as chatting with a friendover the phone, listening to music or watching a movie.

Can mom anddad get backtogether? The decision to separate/divorce

is an outcome of rounds ofthinking and considerations. It ismost likely that they will not getback together.

Why do I feel sadand unsettled?

When facing such a bigchange in the family, you mightexperience anger and sorrowtowards your parents' divorce,and you will have doubts aboutyour future. It is natural to feelthis way.

What should I dowhen I feel sadand depressed?

Do not hide these feelings. Talkto someone you trust, it could beyour teacher, school social workeror elder people that you trust.

Whom should I live with? Will Istill be able to see mom/dad?

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Although mom and dadno longer live together, you canstill meet and spend time with bothof them. If you have any needs orthoughts about this arrangement,feel free to talk to mom/dad about it.

Should I inform my friendsor classmates about theparents’ divorce?

There is nothing for you to feel ashamed forand there is no need to hide it from your friendsor classmates. Perhaps some of them haveexperienced that as well. If they make fun of youor pick on you, don’t take it too personally andlet it go. If you need support or help, you canalways turn to your parents, teacher, counselloror school social worker.

-~ ftft.liiJH! ~ Social Welfare Department 2015