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Neufeld
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11/22/2014
1
Through the Childs Eyes
Growing Brains: a big persons role
Through the Childs Eyes:
A series presented for nurturing big people everywhere
Rebecca Mitchell, MA, RCC
Science and Heart
11/22/2014
2
Plan
The role of CONNECTION in growing brains What is attachment and what is the purpose
Development of the prefrontal cortex
Attentional hierarchy
The role of ADAPTATION in growing resilient brains Tears and the adaptive process
The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains Emotional rest and the developing brain
Supporting through the tough stuff while staying connected Discipline that doesnt break the connection
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
What does CONNECTEDNESS have to do with development?
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
3
Connectedness & Development
Foundational to all growth is connection
In the research world, it is called Attachment
Attachment is the relationship between a key big person and a child
Primary attachments are the big people of central importance to a childs life typically parents
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
Connectedness & Development
Attachment is
Biological
Evolutionary
Neurological
Emotional
11/22/2014
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Connectedness & Development
Attachment is the mechanism that keeps kids close to their big people physically & emotionally
Rubber band
Invisible string
Children are born wired for connection
Adults are meant to take care of that connection
We are stirred up by the sense of a child who needs us
A parents own temperament will come into play in terms of the intensity of this drive thus, some parents will naturally have more inner conflict about the goodbyes than other parents
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
Tronicks Still Face
11/22/2014
5
The Developing Brain The key role of maturity in growing up
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
Maturation
Immature attentional system can lock onto only one thing at a time
everything else ceases to exist!
This is a natural part of development
The either/or system
Maturation of this system is NOT inevitablea process that is very susceptible to external interference
However the potential for maturation is in every single individual
Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld
11/22/2014
6
Maturation
When we shift from either/or to this and that we see incredible growth!
We have background, context
We have a back of the mind where we hold onto other things as we think through an issue
Applies to sensory inputs, thoughts, feelings, values
When you can see multiple points of view, ideas, etc. then we know the attentional system is developing
Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
Two different ideas
existing at the same time = self-control
Reflective
blending together = impulsive
Images fromhttp://www.tamingthegoblin.com/2013/04/the-sunday-parenting-party-loosening.html
11/22/2014
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Maturation
Maturation is very impacted by the strength of the incoming signals If you have a child who is intense, the signals are too strong
and they are way harder to mix
Mixing bowl of emotions is the prefrontal cortex
Does not begin until at least age 5-7 years
And at that, begins and continues only if the conditions are conducive
Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld
Attention is hierarchical
Curiosity and
individuation/mixing
Adaptation
Physical hunger
Alarm
Attachment
Luxury
Luxury
I nt ens i t y
I nt ens i t y
2.
Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld
11/22/2014
8
Adaptation
And the role of tears in maturation and resiliency in the brain
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
Adaptation is Foundational
We need to be safely held at the point of realizing the things that cannot be changed
When we come to the point of knowing that there is nothing left to do but cry, the adaptive process has been primed
11/22/2014
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Fears to Tears
Finding our way to our tears when we are freaked out is essential
It is how we grow resilient brains
Tears are super OKAY IF:
the rules of connection have been followed
The tears are supported by a nurturing, caring, understanding adult who has their hulk on
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
Prime Adaptation
Give the child a message of hope in advance or open the door and make room for the upset, invite it rather than be afraid of it
e.g., We are going to swimming now. I know sometimes that is really hard for you you want to stay at home, you dont like swimming, and the water can feel cold! I just want you to know that even if it is hard for you and you need to have some tears about that, it is okay and we will get through itwe are going to be okay.
11/22/2014
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A script
1. You can be upset.
2. I can handle it.
3. We are going to be fine.
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
Beware of the upside down dynamic!!
The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
11
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
12
The Experience of the Child in Charge
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
13
Hulking it up Finding your way to be BIG and all knowing
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
Hulk it up
You just gotta be B.I.G.!
A child must always feel like their big people just know.
Big people must believe that they are the answer to their child.
Even if a big person does not know the way through for the child, there needs to be this inherent belief within the parent that they can and will find the way through.
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
14
Whos in charge?
The parent is thrown into a position of pursuit rather than provision of proximity (closeness to the child), turning themselves into a psychological pretzel to make the child happy or avoid upset
The child is then forced into the role of provider and the whole situation is turned on its head!
A child who cannot depend on their parent to be in the lead will by default, put themselves in the lead
A child who is in the lead is not a child at emotional rest
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
Getting your HULK on
For parents to find their way back to their hulk:
Guilt needs to be welcomed as a comforting motivator to make things better
Experts need to facilitate and nurture in parents the natural intuition of attachment
Parents need to believe that they are their childs answer
Parents cannot appear bewildered, afraid of, or angered by their childs behavior
Parents take responsibility for cues, step in and take care of things
Parents cannot ask questions of the child about why they are sad, etc. but instead must nod knowingly and provide answers
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
15
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
The open and closed door
The trap of reasoning and expecting rational
responses
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
16
A Summary Script
1. You can be upset.
2. I can handle it.
3. We are going to be fine.
4. I know what you need and I can take care of it
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
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No matter what
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.
Psych, Copyright
The Roots of Behavior
Developmentally Appropriate
Behavior
Developmentally Appropriate
Behavior
Traditional Response to Behavior
(separation-based)
Traditional Response to Behavior
(separation-based)
Experience of fear-based activation
Experience of fear-based activation
acting out acting out
Experiences of Separation Experiences
of Separation
11/22/2014
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Our perceptions
What are we actually responding to when we have a child who is misbehaving The behavior? or
Something else?
How does our answer to this question impact how we respond to the child in any given moment?
Our perceptions
The Myth of the Observable
Our answer is our foundation for how we are driven in our relationships with children
If we respond to the behavior, we will likely rely on traditional practices of time outs, consequences, removal of privileges
If, however, we respond to the something else we will find ourselves following a very different path
11/22/2014
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Neufeld
Gordon Neufeld Hold on to your Kids
The very most succinct description of how to respond to challenging behaviours through the simplicity of connection
7 key points in Discipline that does not divide chapter. His words, writing, and ideas are shared here and reflected more thoroughly in his book.
www.gordonneufeld.com
Nurturing Discipline
1.Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line
e.g. Time outs, naughty mats, go to your room
A childs most significant fear is that they will be abandoned by their key care providers
Connection before direction
If the connection is not there, the direction cannot happen you must build in the connection first and get over the urge to direct without power
11/22/2014
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Nurturing Discipline
2.When Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident
Ignore the urge to fall prey to the immediacy principleare we really going to let him/her get away with this?
Remember, every behavior serves a purposeI have a need!
Do not teach in the moment
Proceed by stopping the behavior if needed and preserve the relationship at all costs
Nurturing Discipline
2. CONTWhen Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident Avoid comments like that makes me sad, those words hurt my feelings
Instead, try you are really frustrated; you wanted me to say yes and I said no
Can say This is not good...this needs to stop we will talk about this later
Warm calm tone more important that any words
Revisit the behavior later when the intensity has calmed remember collect and then direct
11/22/2014
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Nurturing Discipline
3.When things arent working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach the lesson
Be the Agent of Futility and the Angel of comfort
Present the reality firmly (but NOT harshly), without a lot of explanation or justification lest you withdraw the very futility you are working to instill save this for after the futility has sunk in
Nurturing Discipline
4.Solicit the good intentions instead of demanding good behavior Focus on the childs intentions, rather than their actual behaviors
Good intentions are like goldthey represent value and a sense of responsibility
Collect the child and cultivate connection so they are open to your influence
Do you think you could? Can I count on you? Are you willing to give it a try?
Highlight the childs will rather than your own
11/22/2014
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Nurturing Discipline
5.Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior
Behavior is typically driven by instincts and emotion, not conscious decisions
Self-control is driven by mixed feelings, not will power
This and that We are having such a good time right now. I remember
earlier you were so mad at me you really let me have it. Isnt it funny the way we can get so mad at the ones we love.
Nurturing Discipline
6.When dealing with an impulsive child, script the desired behavior rather than demanding maturity
Especially helpful if child does not have the capacity for mixed feelings yet
Scripting allows the child to function until the natural maturation process unfolds
Provide cues for what to do and how like teaching a skill e.g. skating
Collect before scripting
Avoid: No, dont stop, not, quit
11/22/2014
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Nurturing Discipline
7.When unable to change the child, try changing the childs world This change alters the experiences that give rise to the behavior
Structure and routine
Three necessary precursors
We must recognize the futility of our own previous courses of action
We must have some insight about possible triggers for the child
We must have the power to exert some influence over these triggers
NOT to the exclusion of the other 6 keys
Collecting
Get in space/face in friendly way
the eyes, the smile, and
the nod - Dr. Neufeld
2.
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Resources
www.zoneinworkshops.com
www.gordonneufeld.com - Hold Onto Your Kids (newest Edition)
www.sickkids.ca/imp
www.odinbooks.ca
11/22/2014
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Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych & Associates
778-294-8732
www.lapointepsychology.com
South Surrey, BC
Encouraging hope through nurturing
support, counselling, assessment,
consultation, and training.
Visit our blog after
todays workshop we would love to hear
from you!
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
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