Grieving with Jesus - Concordia University-Nebraskawp.cune.org/.../2012/09/GrievingWithJesus-Presentation.pdfDon’t say things like “she lived a full life…he is better off now…and

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Grieving with Jesus:

Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart

By Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D.

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What is Grief?What is Grief?

•• Grief: the process of reacting Grief: the process of reacting

to the perception of loss to the perception of loss

•• Mourning: the cultural Mourning: the cultural

response to griefresponse to grief

•• Bereavement: the state of Bereavement: the state of

having suffered a losshaving suffered a loss

Grief…

is a continuing development involving many changes

is a natural and expectable reaction to loss

the reaction is based on the unique and individual perception of loss

by the griever

Grief can be many things…

It is complicated and problematic for the normal flow of our daily life –

it effects all the systems that we are a part of

We are impacted by it as we seek the new equilibrium for our life

It is common…all people will at some point experience it (when did you first?)

Grief is NOT…

Something we just get over…we learn to cope with it, but it never goes

away

time oriented, there is not a time frame in which one should complete

or progress through grief

unhealthy…there are more negative effects on a person who doesn’t

grieve (remember, we all grieve differently)

the same for each person

the same for various types of loss

a smooth experience for most

easily done alone! We need support and encouragement!

able to be fixed for us by someone else!

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Normal Responses to GriefNormal Responses to Grief

•• Loss of weight and appetiteLoss of weight and appetite

•• Shock and numbness Shock and numbness

•• Crying, Sadness, DespairCrying, Sadness, Despair

•• Fear, Anxiety, Guilt, AngerFear, Anxiety, Guilt, Anger

•• Loneliness and VulnerabilityLoneliness and Vulnerability

•• WithdrawalWithdrawal

•• Inability to focus or be stillInability to focus or be still

•• Inability to maintain activitiesInability to maintain activities

•• Feeling of abandonmentFeeling of abandonment

•• Relational changesRelational changes

Cognitive impact of Grief

1. Concentration decreased

2. Obsession with “what if” or blaming self (desiring different outcome)

3. Loss of self worth

4. Self identity changes

5. Impact on decision making

6. Questioning abilities (coping and other)

7. Thoughts of own death (not necessarily suicidal)

8. Identifying old strengths and finding new ones

Physiological Effects

1. Loss of appetite and weight

2. Crying

3. Sleep difficulties

4. Sighing increases

5. Lack of energy/strength

6. Feeling like something is stuck in your throat

7. Heart palpitations or other indications of anxiety (shortness of breath)

8. Restlessness or searching for something to do

9. Headaches, upset stomach, gastrointestinal disturbances

10.Heaviness in the chest

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Normal Responses to GriefNormal Responses to Grief

•• Search for meaningSearch for meaning

““Why did thisWhy did this…”…”

•• Constant need to know where Constant need to know where

loved ones areloved ones are

•• Anger towards GodAnger towards God

•• Withdrawal from ChurchWithdrawal from Church

•• Questioning faith Questioning faith

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Theories of Grieving Theories of Grieving

•• There are ManyThere are Many

•• Most CommonMost Common

–– Elizabeth KublerElizabeth Kubler--RossRoss

•• DenialDenial

•• AngerAnger

•• BargainingBargaining

•• AcceptanceAcceptance

Lindemann (1944) – Shock/disbelief Acute Morning Resolution of

Grief

Bowlby & Parks (1980) – numbness yearning/searching

disorganization/despair reorganization

William Worden (1982) – accept reality experience pain of loss adjust to new

environment withdraw and reinvest emotional energy

Tatelbaum – experience/express loss let go of attachment and sorrow

recover/reinvest in life

Dr Alan Wolfelt (2006)

1. Acknowledge the reality of death

2. Feel the pain of loss

3. Remember the person

4. Develop a new self identity

5. Search for meaning

6. Receive ongoing support from others

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5 Functions of a Funeral 5 Functions of a Funeral

1.1. RealityReality

2.2. RecallRecall

3.3. SupportSupport

4.4. ExpressionExpression

5.5. TranscendenceTranscendence

Reality: opportunity to see, hear, and take in the reality of death and what has been

lost

Recall: remember and honor the person and their life, hopefully through positive

memories

Support: call for support from family, friends, and community; also a show of

support by attendance, flowers, cards and the like

Expression: opportunity (time/place) to grieve and mourn with others

Transcendence: rite of passage, acknowledging to the world “I am bereaved, I am without my loved one, I am now a …”

Acknowledge faith in and need of God

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BereavementBereavement

•• Companioning the BereavedCompanioning the Bereaved

•• Being Educated and InformedBeing Educated and Informed

•• Walking the journeyWalking the journey

•• Giving Permission Giving Permission

•• Provide SupportProvide Support

•• Encourage the ProcessEncourage the Process

Companioning the BereavedCompanioning the Bereaved

listen to their story (even when you are uncomfortable) as it islisten to their story (even when you are uncomfortable) as it is, not as it needs to be, not as it needs to be

validate their feelings/perspectivesvalidate their feelings/perspectives

Being Educated and InformedBeing Educated and Informed

understand the grieving process and the uniqueness of individualunderstand the grieving process and the uniqueness of individualss

what is and is not okwhat is and is not ok

Walking the journeyWalking the journey

take the person, weaknesses and strengths, and provide genuine stake the person, weaknesses and strengths, and provide genuine support by upport by

walking with them (donwalking with them (don’’t offer support if you will not be there)t offer support if you will not be there)

Giving Permission Giving Permission

place terms where appropriate and allow them the flexibility to place terms where appropriate and allow them the flexibility to experience grief experience grief

(ok to be mad at God and the like)(ok to be mad at God and the like)

Provide SupportProvide Support

We will talk about many ways to provide supportWe will talk about many ways to provide support

there will be times when you can encourage them to get support fthere will be times when you can encourage them to get support from another rom another

place (counseling, support groups, contacting family, resourcesplace (counseling, support groups, contacting family, resources--books/pamphlets)books/pamphlets)

Encourage the ProcessEncourage the Process

help them make choices, but let them make the choice (donhelp them make choices, but let them make the choice (don’’t say, this is what you t say, this is what you

need to do; help them say it for themselves)need to do; help them say it for themselves)

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Elderly GriefElderly Grief

•• 3 out of 4 women will 3 out of 4 women will

experience widowhoodexperience widowhood

•• Interdependence and Role Interdependence and Role

AdjustmentAdjustment

•• Multiple lossesMultiple losses

•• Personal Death AwarenessPersonal Death Awareness

•• LonelinessLoneliness

•• Unnatural Order of ThingsUnnatural Order of Things

Interdependence: with longInterdependence: with long--term marriages, the spouse may not know how to do many term marriages, the spouse may not know how to do many

things (or feel comfortable doing them) as they didnthings (or feel comfortable doing them) as they didn’’t do them in the marriage, thus t do them in the marriage, thus

they are left with out support; some individuals have a difficulthey are left with out support; some individuals have a difficult time adjusting to t time adjusting to

the new roles and will need encouragement and supportthe new roles and will need encouragement and support

Multiple losses: there can include death, job, house, independenMultiple losses: there can include death, job, house, independence, ability to drive, and ce, ability to drive, and

the like (aging has been described as a season of loss)the like (aging has been described as a season of loss)

Personal Death Awareness: the individual knows their mortality aPersonal Death Awareness: the individual knows their mortality and has seen what nd has seen what

death does to peopledeath does to people--this can be very troubling this can be very troubling

LonelinessLoneliness

Unnatural Order of Things: grief is compounded when it appears tUnnatural Order of Things: grief is compounded when it appears to go in an unnatural o go in an unnatural

order (death of a child or younger sibling)order (death of a child or younger sibling)

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ChildrenChildren’’s Griefs Grief

•• Bereaved children need to knowBereaved children need to know……

–– They are cared forThey are cared for

–– They didnThey didn’’t cause the deatht cause the death

–– Clear and correct informationClear and correct information

–– They are involvedThey are involved

–– Their routine will continueTheir routine will continue

–– They have someone who will listen They have someone who will listen

to themto them

–– They can ask questionsThey can ask questions

–– They can remember the loved oneThey can remember the loved one

Children do grieve differently than adultsChildren do grieve differently than adults

Different cognitive abilities; children age 5Different cognitive abilities; children age 5--7 are particularly vulnerable because they 7 are particularly vulnerable because they

grasp the permanence of death but do not have coping skillsgrasp the permanence of death but do not have coping skills

They will often reThey will often re--grieve the death, which may come in waves of griefgrieve the death, which may come in waves of grief

May show increases in behavioral problems as a form of coping (tMay show increases in behavioral problems as a form of coping (this signals the need his signals the need

for extra support if it is continued) for extra support if it is continued)

Often are supported by books and storiesOften are supported by books and stories

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What about Hospice?What about Hospice?

•• What do you think of when you What do you think of when you

hear the word Hospice?hear the word Hospice?

•• Do you have any experience with Do you have any experience with

Hospice care?Hospice care?

““Hospice adds life to days, when Hospice adds life to days, when

days cannot be added to life!days cannot be added to life!””

Hospice is provided when a cure is no longer an optionHospice is provided when a cure is no longer an option

““Hospice adds life to days, when days cannot be added to life!Hospice adds life to days, when days cannot be added to life!””

This is part of the continuum of care, which provides comfort anThis is part of the continuum of care, which provides comfort and peace in the last days d peace in the last days

for patient and familyfor patient and family

often done similar to migraine care (low lights, quiet, less foooften done similar to migraine care (low lights, quiet, less food, gentle touch and d, gentle touch and

smells)smells)

Hospice affirms life and offers hope through spiritual careHospice affirms life and offers hope through spiritual care

This is a benefit afforded by most insurances (must be elected tThis is a benefit afforded by most insurances (must be elected through your carrier) hrough your carrier)

Hospice team is made up of: patient, family, doctor, staff, nursHospice team is made up of: patient, family, doctor, staff, nurses, home health aids, es, home health aids,

social worker, spiritual coordinator (chaplain), bereavement coosocial worker, spiritual coordinator (chaplain), bereavement coordinator, staff rdinator, staff

medical directorsmedical directors

Myths Myths �� 67% of people believe doctors can accurately predict how long s67% of people believe doctors can accurately predict how long someone has omeone has

to liveto live

Reality Reality �� Feb 19, 2000 British Medical Journal ReportFeb 19, 2000 British Medical Journal Report

20% of doctors were accurate (within 33%)20% of doctors were accurate (within 33%)

63% of doctors were overly optimistic63% of doctors were overly optimistic

17% of doctors were overly pessimistic17% of doctors were overly pessimistic

You need to bring hospice up with your doctor!You need to bring hospice up with your doctor!

Average length of stayAverage length of stay

75% less than 14 days75% less than 14 days

25% more than 14 days25% more than 14 days

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Everyone Intends WellEveryone Intends Well

And some kind of helpAnd some kind of help

Is the kind of helpIs the kind of help

That helpingThat helping’’s all about.s all about.

And some kind of helpAnd some kind of help

Is the kind of helpIs the kind of help

We all can do withoutWe all can do without

We all know that everyone intends well…it just doesn’t always come out right!

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Called to CareCalled to Care

•• Challenges in CaringChallenges in Caring

–– Knowing what to sayKnowing what to say

–– Empathizing withEmpathizing with

–– Validating strugglesValidating struggles

–– Talking too muchTalking too much

–– A A ““fixfix--itit”” mentalitymentality

–– Personal discomfortPersonal discomfort

–– Focusing on selfFocusing on self

–– Wanting them to Wanting them to ““get over itget over it””

–– Avoiding painful subjectsAvoiding painful subjects

““ Like one who takes Like one who takes away a garment on a away a garment on a

cold day, or like vinegar cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one poured on soda, is one who sings song to a who sings song to a

heavy heart.heavy heart.””

Proverbs 25:20Proverbs 25:20

Begin with Prayer (p. 13)

Share story (from p. 13-14)

Those who are suffering are very vulnerable. It is as though they have been

stamped FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE. Because suffering people are so

fragile, those who relate to them are called upon to function with the greatest

sensitivity and compassion they can muster. This is where the challenge lies (p. 16)

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Called to CareCalled to Care

•• Challenges in CaringChallenges in Caring

–– Avoiding hurt personsAvoiding hurt persons

–– Being too direct with adviceBeing too direct with advice

–– Minimizing the pain/hurtMinimizing the pain/hurt

–– Being judgmentalBeing judgmental

–– Responding with clichResponding with clichéés s

–– Feeling helplessFeeling helpless

–– Handling someoneHandling someone’’s angers anger

–– Knowing what is welcome Knowing what is welcome

–– Getting people to open upGetting people to open up

““ Like one who takes Like one who takes away a garment on a away a garment on a

cold day, or like vinegar cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one poured on soda, is one who sings song to a who sings song to a

heavy heart.heavy heart.””

Proverbs 25:20Proverbs 25:20

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Biblical SufferingBiblical Suffering

•• Biblical Examples of SufferingBiblical Examples of Suffering

–– JobJob

–– Abram & SariAbram & Sari

–– MosesMoses

–– DavidDavid

–– PaulPaul

Pause with Prayer (p. 19)

Biblical Examples of Suffering (p. 20)

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•• Now & Not YetNow & Not Yet

–– Romans 8:17Romans 8:17--18, 22, 2818, 22, 28

Offers hope but not reliefOffers hope but not relief

–– 2 Corinthians 12:72 Corinthians 12:7--1010

A just deal with it attitudeA just deal with it attitude

–– Revelation 21:4Revelation 21:4--55

In pain people donIn pain people don’’t feel t feel

as though God even caresas though God even cares

Begin with Prayer (p. 13)

Share story (from p. 13-14)

For each scripture, read and discuss

Rev 21 (see page 26)

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•• God Cares for People Through PeopleGod Cares for People Through People

–– Psalm 23:4Psalm 23:4

GodGod’’s Presence in Pain & Sufferings Presence in Pain & Suffering

–– 2 Corinthians 1:32 Corinthians 1:3--55

He Suffered Like us & for usHe Suffered Like us & for us

–– Psalm 34:18Psalm 34:18

God is Close to the BrokenheartedGod is Close to the Brokenhearted

2 Cor 1 (see p. 28-29)

Psalm 34:18 is a personal addition

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•• The Fellowship of SufferingThe Fellowship of Suffering

–– Romans 12:5, 15Romans 12:5, 15

–– Philippians 3:10Philippians 3:10--1111

Empathy Empathy –– ““to feel with someoneto feel with someone””

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A Guest in a Holy PlaceA Guest in a Holy Place

•• Powerful PerspectivePowerful Perspective

•• Avoid ComparisonAvoid Comparison

•• The Source of SufferingThe Source of Suffering

Powerful Perspective - Story of Lou Gehrig (p. 36-37)

Avoid Comparison – p. 38

Source of Suffering – p. 41

Close with Prayer (p. 35)

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Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy HeartBy Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D.

Presented by:

Stephen Henderson

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You Bring JesusYou Bring Jesus

•• The Incarnation of JesusThe Incarnation of Jesus

•• You Bring YourselfYou Bring Yourself

–– Caring AbilitiesCaring Abilities

–– FeelingsFeelings

–– FearsFears

–– HurtsHurts

•• Never underestimate theNever underestimate the

Power of Your PresencePower of Your Presence

Begin with prayer (p. 43)

Incarnation – p. 44-45

Self – see p. 45-50

Power of Your Presence!!! Quote p. 51

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What About After Hello?What About After Hello?

•• What do you say after hello?What do you say after hello?

–– It is good to see you.It is good to see you.

–– An appropriate touch.An appropriate touch.

–– Fill me in on whatFill me in on what’’s been going on.s been going on.

•• What What notnot to sayto say

–– ““How are you?How are you?””

–– DonDon’’t correct them, just feel with themt correct them, just feel with them

•• Help them open up by shutting up Help them open up by shutting up –– Listen!Listen!

Pause with prayer (p. 53)

“How are you?” is probably not the best way to begin a conversation.

Don’t say things like “she lived a full life…he is better off now…and the like”

This may not be EMPATHETIC! People will generally talk about what they are

comfortable talking about.

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Follow their LeadFollow their Lead

•• Remember this is a time to Remember this is a time to care care not a time not a time

to to teachteach

There is a time for everything, and a season for every There is a time for everything, and a season for every

activity under heaven: activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to be born and a time to die, ……

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dancea time to mourn and a time to dance……

a time to embrace and a time to refraina time to embrace and a time to refrain……

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate. a time to love and a time to hate.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 5, 7, 8Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 5, 7, 8

If they want to say things such as those which you should not, allow them to…and

comment “yes, but I am sure it still hurts.”

Simply express your sympathy and allow them to lead!

Remember the value of speaker/listener…be an active listener!

Sometimes the best thing is to simply be there with them!

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Focus on the PersonFocus on the Person

•• This is This is notnot about us, but about their hurtabout us, but about their hurt

•• Focus on the other personFocus on the other person

–– This is the caring This is the caring ““way of lovingway of loving””

•• Some Warning SignsSome Warning Signs

–– ““Well IWell I…”…”

–– ““When IWhen I…”…”

–– ““ I rememberI remember…”…”

–– ““My..My..””

Talk about agape love.

Jesus’ compassion – splanknidzomai.

See page 58-59, and comment on sharing personal experiences (specifically p 60-

63)

Tips for Sharing other’s stories:

1. Do so very sparingly

2. Share later rather than sooner

3. Be brief

4. Be realistic: why are you sharing? (uncomfortable, prideful, trying to fill the

silence, help) May want to wait until you are asked, if they want to know they will ask

5. Don’t’ share traumatic/painful stories

6. Factual information based upon experience (this may be your experience, but it

may not be theirs)

7. Remember who the important person is, not the story you want to share but this

person’s story!

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When there is Nothing to SayWhen there is Nothing to Say

•• Silence can mean different thingsSilence can mean different things

•• Allow time for processing & caringAllow time for processing & caring

•• Say, Say, ““I donI don’’t know what to say or do right t know what to say or do right

now, so Inow, so I’’ll just be here with you if thatll just be here with you if that’’s s

OK.OK.””

Comments on p 63-64

“Remember that God is beneath and within the silence, radiating his love. You are

always there as God’s emissary of love. You can speak in love, you can listen in

love, and you can simply be with the other person in love” (p 64).

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Cry, Feel AwfulCry, Feel Awful

•• A Good CryA Good Cry

•• Believe ThemBelieve Them

•• Share the HurtShare the Hurt

•• Having it out with GodHaving it out with God

•• The Magic BulletThe Magic Bullet

Prayer p. 65

Tears can be healing—releasing tension, and relieving pain

there is danger in burying feelings-emotional, psychological, spiritual

and physically

When someone cries in front of you, they are saying they feel safe

with you

When someone opens up to you, don’t judge, critique, or disbelieve them…simply

trust what they say their feelings are

This validates their pain, rather than dismissing it (see story of losing

hair p. 69)

You do not have to agree with them, but you are acknowledging how

difficult it is

“In truth, validating someone’s feelings often frees that person to decide for him- or

herself to go ahead and do whatever needs to be done. Validating feelings actually

encourages and empowers good decision making” (p70).

Share the Hurt – Heb 13:3; Rom 12:15

People too often try to give pep talks, which don’t work…rather share

their pain

How angry are people allowed to get at God? Job

God-wrestling is important and appropriate – to be angry at God is to

acknowledge Him

Listening – “the ones who helped me where the ones who said little” (p. 75).

Quote Terri Green (p. 75-76)

“Being a listening friend is like being someone’s human journal. The

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Wishing the Hurt AwayWishing the Hurt Away

•• It is easy for us to wishIt is easy for us to wish……

–– The hurt awayThe hurt away

–– They would get betterThey would get better

–– They would accept their situationThey would accept their situation

–– They would just see the good/hopeThey would just see the good/hope

–– They would feel close to GodThey would feel close to God

–– They would no longer be angryThey would no longer be angry

–– They would have a strongerThey would have a stronger……

The best way for these things to happen is if you DON’T impose your thoughts,

feelings, or beliefs on them to attempt to “make” them better.

Being fully present, listening and caring, is a good start on this journey that THEY

have to take.

This should be liberating…you don’t have to provide all the answers or solve the

problems…simply be present!

Story of the Human desire to “fix” p. 79

As a care-giver, “you relate to a hurting person, you can choose the cheap and easy

approach, papering over the other person’s pain. Or you can choose the costly

approach, listening to find out what the person’s real problems are and being there

for him or her in the tick of those real problems” (p. 79).

In suffering, there is NO quick fix

Leave fixing to meals and such…fix things, relate to people!

Leave your agenda at home…your agenda is to be with the person

Analogy, no need to hit homeruns (p. 82)—nothing you say/do will make all the pain

go away…be realistic, and be in it for the long-haul of healing.

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For Better or WorseFor Better or Worse

•• Caring for Better or for WorseCaring for Better or for Worse

““Caring occurs when you express your Caring occurs when you express your good intentions through lovinggood intentions through loving--and and

appropriateappropriate--deedsdeeds”” (p. 85)(p. 85)

•• Six Guidelines for Caring ActionsSix Guidelines for Caring Actions

Prayer (p. 85)

Empathy, feeling with someone

Caring is action – empathy with actions!

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Six Guidelines for Caring ActionsSix Guidelines for Caring Actions

•• Guideline 1Guideline 1 Send Cards & NotesSend Cards & Notes

–– Write a Personal NoteWrite a Personal Note

–– Focus on the Suffering PersonFocus on the Suffering Person

–– Write Your HeartWrite Your Heart

Personal Note (p. 86) A card is good, but adding a personal note is great!

Focus (p. 86-87) Use you statements…I’m sorry to hear about your…It hurts to

know you are going through…and the like

Write Your Heart (p. 87-88) write as if the other person is right in front of you

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•• Guideline 2Guideline 2 Make Phone CallsMake Phone Calls

–– Only Call if You are CloseOnly Call if You are Close

–– Gauge the Time to CallGauge the Time to Call

–– Ask, Ask, ““Is this a good time to talk?Is this a good time to talk?””

–– The Telephone is for The Telephone is for Listening!Listening!

The ringing telephone often adds chaos to the pain and confusion

Offer to make calls that they don’t want to (sample script p. 89)

Be cautious about when you call, how often you call, and keep your calls short—if

you know them well, read their signals or simply give them an out when they need

one.

When leaving a message/voice mail…”no need to call me back…”

Listening expresses more care than talking!

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•• Guideline 3Guideline 3 Asking QuestionsAsking Questions

–– Ask, then ListenAsk, then Listen

–– Curb Your CuriosityCurb Your Curiosity

–– Ask OpenAsk Open--Ended QuestionsEnded Questions

p. 92-93

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•• Guideline 4Guideline 4 Using HumorUsing Humor

–– Wait!Wait!

–– Allow it to Develop Naturally Allow it to Develop Naturally

–– Develop Based upon Personal RelationshipDevelop Based upon Personal Relationship

–– Follow Their Lead!Follow Their Lead!

Don’t use humor until they do. Humor can be healing, when it is appropriate (as

deemed by the suffering person) OR it can be destructive, communicating you don’t

get it or care.

p. 94-96

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•• Guideline 5Guideline 5 Sharing BooksSharing Books

–– Wait for Crisis to PassWait for Crisis to Pass

–– Share Materials You are Familiar WithShare Materials You are Familiar With

–– BitBit--Sized MorselsSized Morsels

–– Give, Rather than LendGive, Rather than Lend

They are probably not going to want to read large pieces.

Be sure you know the material well…maybe from personal experience.

Don’t make them remember who to give it back to, gift it for them!

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•• Guideline 6Guideline 6 Sharing GodSharing God’’s Loves Love

–– Hearers Need to Hear vs. Hearers Need to Hear vs.

Your Need to ShareYour Need to Share

–– When Angry, RefrainWhen Angry, Refrain

–– When they Ask, Wait!When they Ask, Wait!

See quote p. 100-101!

Your best reply, may well be another question!

Study reported from suffering people, “I have mostly felt God’s love through

someone’s care and presence and acceptance, not from their words!”

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Words That Hurt, Not HealWords That Hurt, Not Heal

•• Seven Words NOT to SaySeven Words NOT to Say……

–– ““I know how you feel.I know how you feel.””

–– ““ItIt’’s for the best.s for the best.””

–– ““Keep a stiff upper lip.Keep a stiff upper lip.””

–– ““At leastAt least…”…”

–– ““You should/shouldnYou should/shouldn’’tt…”…”

–– ““God doesnGod doesn’’t give you more than you can handle.t give you more than you can handle.””

–– ““Its GodIts God’’s will.s will.””

Prayer (p. 103)

“I know how you feel” - Not ONE respondent liked this statement…and like

just/exactly even less! DON’T say it!

Instead, ASK how they feel!

“It’s for the best” – also “he’s at peace now” “well, you know she’s in a better place”

“It’s good he’s not suffering anymore” “she’s with Jesus now” “he’s better off” or “It’s

a blessing”

It seems to say…get over it

These may be the case, but let them say it…when it comes from a

care-giver, they hurt rather than heal!

“Keep a stiff upper lip” – See examples p. 106

Statements like these dismiss their pain and belittle them

98% didn’t like these statements…this tough talk chafes the

sensibilities of the one suffering

The person just as well say…”your doing this all wrong, your too

weak, just get over it!”

Consider…”how long should suffering last?” Much longer than you thing!

“At least…” – you had… tells people to focus on the good and minimizes their loss!

It is ok to think this, NEVER say it!

“You should/shouldn’t…” – This almost ALWAYS terminates communication!

you may be right, but let that person come to the understanding of

what they should/shouldn’t…

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Pink ThinkingPink Thinking

–– Cheering People UpCheering People Up

–– Glossing OverGlossing Over

–– DenialDenial

–– Tough EncouragementTough Encouragement

–– Unbridled Celebration Unbridled Celebration

These are things we should be extremely careful about!

These are more subtle, but can be just as harmful!

Pink thinking tries to banish the gloomy sadness with positive thinking regardless of

the situation…this is when the power of positive thinking doesn’t help the one

suffering!

Cheering People Up – story p. 117

May make them feel even worse then when you started

hazard of the yo-yo effect

Glossing Over – examples p. 118-119; some encouragement may trivialize or

minimize suffering…allow for authentic feelings/emotions

Denial – it is ok to hope for a miracle, but don’t deny someone who wants to talk

about death!

“Denial is not just proposing an alternative view of a situation. Rather,

it’s the unwillingness to acknowledge and accept the reality that the suffering person

is recognizing and sharing” (p. 120).

Tough Encouragement – research shows people who are suffering, don’t like to be

told they are strong! They don’t feel strong…so it signals to them that something is

wrong with them.

Allow them to be weak! Tell them it is ok to be weak, this is how they

feel! � “I admire your strength, but it is OK to be weak too!”

Unbridled Celebration – don’t forget to rejoice with them in victories…but do so

appropriately

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Creating A Safe PlaceCreating A Safe Place

•• Sometimes it is Easier to Act HappySometimes it is Easier to Act Happy

•• Suffering often isnSuffering often isn’’t Prettyt Pretty

•• Heart Over HeadHeart Over Head

•• Body LanguageBody Language

•• ReallyReally RealReal

•• Demonstrate Acceptance Demonstrate Acceptance

•• Avoid Avoidance Avoid Avoidance

Prayer (p. 125)

“So how are you?” … “Fine.” FINE-Fouled up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Empty

Sometimes easier to act happy (p. 126-127)

Suffering often isn’t pretty – “Join them on their journey, wherever you find them,

whatever their condition, and create a safe environment where honesty and

openness can flourish” (p. 129).

Heart over Head – trust and respond from your heart “I’m so sorry” “that’s terrible”

“oh, no!” “I was hoping it would be different”

Body Language – p. 130

Really Real – “How are you really doing? This changes the whole meaning…telling

them you want an honest answer and are giving your listening ear!

Demonstrate Acceptance – CS Lewis story (p. 132-133)

Meet them where they are

Focus on the hear and now

Acknowledge the feelings

Avoid Avoidance…be present, open, compassionate, and empathetic

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Simple & ProfoundSimple & Profound

•• Seven Caring ActionsSeven Caring Actions

–– Genuine PrayerGenuine Prayer

–– Showing UpShowing Up

–– Naming the Elephant Naming the Elephant

–– ReminiscingReminiscing

–– Ask How Others Are DoingAsk How Others Are Doing

–– Practical HelpsPractical Helps

–– Following UpFollowing Up

Prayer (p. 135)

Practical Helps (p. 143-145)

Meals

Child care

House care/chores

Transportation

Errands/shopping

Pet care

Phone calls

Presences with others (other ill family members)

Following Up – check in at anniversary dates, birthday of loved one, and

anniversary of death

41

Documents

Grieving with Jesus - Concordia University-Nebraskawp.cune.org/.../2012/09/GrievingWithJesus-Presentation.pdfDon’t say things like “she lived a full life…he is better off now…and