Granger Love and Logic Presentation April

8/13/2019 Granger Love and Logic Presentation April

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Presented by- Aimee Goodson HerbertCounselor

Kay Granger Elementary

Love and Logic

Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

www.loveandlogic.com


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There will never be enoughrewards or consequences to

get tough kids to want tobehave and learn if we arenot first developing

relationships.

-Charles Fay


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Philosophy of Love and Logic

Choice and freedom to make mistakes.

Adult demonstrates empathy and

compassion.

Child takes responsibility of his/heractions.

Child learns from the consequences ofhis/her mistake.


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Be involved in your kids education.

(We want you to hover them andpunish them for bad grades.)


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We would like you to provide a

warm, loving, supportive home foryour child to go home to. Onewhere they have feel a sense ofpurpose and belonging through

jobs, roles, and responsibilities theyfulfill in the family.


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Helicopter

As child sends the SOS flare,helicopter parents are ready andhovering nearby to swoop in and

shield them from teachers,playmates, and peers.

Message sent-

You cant help yourself. I have todo it for you.


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UNEQUIPPED for life

Learning opportunities STOLE fromthem.

In order to grow children must learnfrom their mistakes

The REAL WORLD does not run on

the bail-out principal.

Why is this not good?


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Drill Sergeant

Commands

Message Sent-

You cant think. I have to

think for you.


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Why is this not good?

Children:

Become DEPENDENT on theirparents for the answers

Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily

because they are used tobeing told what to do

Do not learn how to make decisions-opportunity to make mistakes and seenatural consequences arise is robbed fromthem.

Become followers as they have been taught


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Decide that childrenshould raise themselves

Believe that they should be

their childs friend Feel guilty and allow them to run

free

Laissez-faire parents:


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Consultant

Shares alternatives

Message sent-

You are capable and can

make wise decisions.You are responsible.


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Consultant

Modeling

Focus is relationship instead

of task achievement

Ask questions

Stay Calm

Choices and natural

consequences.


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Love and Logic

Love allows kids to grow throughtheir mistakes.

Logic allows them to live withthe consequences of their

choices.


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Responsibility cannot betaught, it must be

caught.

- Jim and Charles Fay


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I am sure you will

remember on your own,but if you dont, youllsure learn from theexperience.


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Misbehaving

Results from the child taking theonly choice available to them in

order to gain some control.

Can lead to power struggles.

Can be eliminated or maintainedthrough choices.


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Misbehavior Cycle

Adult shows

Anger orfrustration

Misbehavior

Child feels

lowself-concept


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5 Questions: Is Love and Logic

for you?

1. Think of all the things you havetried in the past.

2. Think of all the things the teachers

have tried in the past.3. Are any of these showing long-

term results?

4. Can you think of anything elsethat makes sense that we couldtry?


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If everything else that

makes sense has alreadybeen tried, maybe itstime to try something that

doesnt appear to makesense.


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Show Empathy-You must feelsad.

Send Power Message-What will

you do about it? Offer Choices-Would you like to

hear what your sister tried?

Have child State Consequences-How will that work?

Allow child to Solve the Problem

Guide Child to Solve the Problem

5 Steps


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Power Struggle?

Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead!

You dont love me anymore I love you too much to argue

It is not fair Maybe so

You love her more than me Mmmm

You dont care

I know

Dad wouldnt do that

Maybe so

I am going to run away!

I will love you wherever you live.


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Empathy Adults must demonstrate a sincere and

empathetic response to childs misbehavior.

One-liners: This must really hurt.

This is so sad. That is really hard

I am sorry you feel that way.

I feel bad for you.

Bummer It must be hard to feel so frustrated.

I will love you wherever you live.

I love you too much to argue.

I argue between 5-5:30 am.


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Let empathy and consequences

do the teaching

NOT sarcastic or condescending

Keep it short, sweet and repetitive.

Express your empathy beforeyour anger or a consequence

Delaying your consequencegives you time to think

Use less words.lectures dont work


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Power Messages

What are you going to do about it?

Have you come up with anything so

far? I am here to help. Just let me know

what you decide to do about it.


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hoicesGive choices:

If child does not choose, be prepared to chooseyourself

Be sure to pick choices you can live with Allow the child to live with the consequences

Children must control the problem. If they dont,

you could:

Steal kids opportunities to learn

Become overwhelmed with raising kids

Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinnertime


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Ownership of the ProblemWhos problem is it?

Am I upset because hes upset?

What happens to me personally? Am I twisting the problem to make it

mine?


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What is going to happen to me ifthat problem doesnt get solved?

If your answer is nothing, then it isthe childs problem.

Allowing children to own the problemallows for them to find ways to

solve their problem.

How to determine when

it is not our problem


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In todays world, we dontwant our kids to feelstruggle. Why? ALLOW kidsto struggle. Dont steal thatgift. Help them cope withchallenges where they have

to learn. -Charles Fay


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Choices- Phrasing

Would you rather ______or______?

What would be best for you:

______or______?

Feel free to________ or ________.

You can either ______or_______.


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Opportunity for Thinking and

Decision-Making

Fighting Words

Get to work now!

Thinking Words

Feel free to go out as soon as

you have cleaned your room.

OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES


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Lectures dont work;kids dont learn through

lectures.

-Charles Fay


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We would rather they

THINK than FIGHT.

-Jim and Charles Fay


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Garbage: Training you to ignoremy words through nagging andlectures. Fighting invites

disobedience.

Gold: Teaching to you listen to my

words. Get them THINKING! Describe what you are going to do or

allow instead of telling THEM what todo.


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Garbage: YOU WILL

Gold: I WILLThis is how I am going to do

things. You might want topay attention.


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Times can be real tough

and you have theopportunity to learn fromthem. If anyone can copewith them, I bet you can.


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Kids learn better from whatthey tell THEMSELVES.

-Jim and Charles Fay


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You are not going to talk to methat way!

I will be glad to discuss this withyou as soon as the arguing stops.


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Would you rather carry your coator wear it?

If I have told you once, I have toldyou a thousand times! Get that coat

on!


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Told you not to spend all yourmoney on toys that just break!

Ooooh, you are out of money?Dont worry, allowances come onSaturday.


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Get your clothes on

Time to get your clothes on!

How many times do I have

to tell you to get your clothes

on! We are going to be late!

Feel free to put your clothes on in theprivacy of your room or in the car on theway to school.


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Would you rather play nicely in theliving room or noisy in your room?

SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you willgo to your room! Adam is about tosing!


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You can either wash your clothesor spend your allowance to have thecleaners do it.

I am NOT picking your clothes.


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Dinner is served until 7pm.

Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get inhere.

Feel free to enjoy your next meal

with the family as soon as the yard ismowed.


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Dont you dare raise your voice atme.

I will listen to your voice when it iscalm like mine.


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Charles Fay believes that the fastestway to put a teenager in danger isto let them drive for free.

Hope you can drive one day. In thisfamily, the only people who can afford

it get to drive.


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Follow Through

Now, you have to keep your word.

It might be difficult.

Do NOT show your disappointmentor anger at their poor decision-making.

Remember, the consequence should

speak for itself.


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ream World

Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure

now that I know you mean what yousay. I appreciate your loving me

enough to set limits.

t C d


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Let Consequences andEmpathy do the Teaching

Consequences allow: Child to be involved in the decision

Child to hurt from the inside out

Child to develop a new plan ofreacting

Parent to be friendly and helpful

Child to see adult modeling problem-

solving techniques Child to learn about real world

consequences


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Kids need to thinkHARDER about their

problems than the adultsaround them.

-Charles Fay


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Punishment vs. Consequence

Punishments allow:

Adult to make decision

Child is hurt from the outside in

Child to pay for his past deed

Adult to display anger

Child to feel the imposition of power

Child to learn about the imposition ofpower


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Child Chooses Consequence

What are you going to do about

it?

How do you plan to solve the

problem?

Th T hi V l f


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The Teaching Value of a

Consequence

You will destroy the teaching value ifyou:

Say, This will teach you a lesson.

Display anger

Explain the value of theconsequence

Threaten

Talk too much

Give in!


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Delayed Consequence

When you are too angry or frustrated to useempathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!

Delayed consequences:

Child has to do more thinking about it than we do.Child owns the problem.

We have time to think about an appropriateconsequence that is reasonable.

There is less chance of blowing up and making athreat that you cant back up.


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Im not sure what Im going to do. Ill let you

know after dinner.

This is so sad. I am going to have to do

something about this. But not now, later.

Try not to worry about it.

I am too angry right now. I make better

decisions when I am calm.

Delayed Consequence


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If a child causes aproblems, it should be NO

problem for the adult; buta BIG problem for thechild.

-Charles Fay

TRAINING SESSIONS


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Give the child a task he can handle

Hope the child blows it

Let equal parts of empathy andconsequence do the teaching

Give the same task again

TRAINING SESSIONS

for building responsibility


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STEP 1

Give the child a task he can handle


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2. Hope the child blows it?

Teaches a real world lesson

Helps children find new solutions

Gives children an opportunityto fail in a safe environment

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Be empathetic before you share the bad news

Empathy builds relationships

Children must learn that mistakes hurt them -

When the adult gets angry the message getslost

Children need to attend to how to make betterchoices, not to their parents anger

Consequences allow the child to own theproblem

3. Let empathy and consequences

do the talking . . .


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4. Have them do the same task again

Children learn from their mistakes

Communicates to childrenthat you trust them

Says, You are capable


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Let them fail . . .

Gives them a chance to learn

Helps them to understand thatevery action has a consequence,

both good and bad Learns the lesson of decision

making early so that harderdecisions are easier later

Learns the skills of decision makingand problem solving

Learning at a time when it


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Learning at a time when it

is an affordable price

Little kids.little problems

Big kids.bigger problems

M h t h t


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Consistency is key

If you dont followthrough your child

takes on the lotterymentality

If it is new, your childwill test you

Mean what you say, say what you

mean


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Sameness= LOVE

The message you aresending:

I love you enough to createa same and predictable

environment.-Charles Fay


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The primary focus of parentingwith Love and Logic is todramatically increase the oddsthat kids will make good andhealthy decisions when NO ONEis making them do it.

-Charles Fay

Primary focus of Love and Logic


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Assignment

Think of a commonargument that you getinto with your child

Write down how youusually handle this

Write down your childsresponse

Think of a new natural

consequence that youcan try


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Love and Logic Resources

Conferences

Workshops

Books

Videos

www.loveandlogic.com
http://www.loveandlogic.com/http://www.loveandlogic.com/


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Teaching Children Responsibility Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for

the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Yourchildren will win because theyll learn to solve their own problemswhile gaining the confidence they need to meet lifes challenges.And youll win because youll establish healthy controlwithout

resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting powerstruggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back intoparenting!


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Unless youve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetimetrust fund, theyre going to end up spending most of their adultlives working. Wouldnt it be a great gift if your children grew upto enjoy workrather than dread it? Bosses are desperate foremployees who understand:

The importance of personal responsibility How to remain positive when the going gets tough That success comes from hard work and

determinationrather than handouts


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DVDs


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Books


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Prizes!

One-liner

Favorite heart quote or Ah-hamoment


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This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy touse techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age rangesfor Parents and Educators.

Techniques for: Avoiding Power Struggles Homework Eliminate Sibling Rivalry


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Thank You

Documents

Granger Love and Logic Presentation April