Got Your Back

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by Ryan Basen

Deal ing with Friends and Enemies

Essential Health


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Published by ABDO Publishing Company, 8000 West 78th Street,Edina, Minnesota 55439. Copyright 2011 by Abdo ConsultingGroup, Inc. International copyrights reserved in all countries. Nopart o this book may be reproduced in any orm without writtenpermission rom the publisher. Te Essential Library is a trademarkand logo o ABDO Publishing Company.

Printed in the United States o America,North Mankato, Minnesota062010092010

Editor: Rebecca RowellCopy Editor: Nick CaarelliInterior Design and Production: Marie upyCover Design: Marie upy

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataBasen, Ryan.Got your back : dealing with riends and enemies / Ryan Basen.

p. cm. (Essential health: a guys guide)Includes index.ISBN 978-1-61613-540-91. FriendshipJuvenile literature. 2. Interpersonal relations

Juvenile literature. 3. BoysPsychologyJuvenile literature. I.itle.BF575.F66B367 2011155.632dc22

2010017072


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Good luck!Ryan


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aking riends might come

easily to you. You may have

many riends and spend a lot

o time with them. Perhaps you hang out

with your riends several times a week

or see each other every day in school.

You spend the rest o the time with your

amily. So, maybe you dont know what

its like to be alone.

Some boys know that lonely

eeling, though. For some reason, they

dont click with other kids at school, at

camp, or at extracurricular activities such

as sports or band. Even ater spending

hours around other kids, they dont

become riends with any o them. hey

are loners.


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Being a loner is no fun. Fewkids, if any, would choosenot to have friends.

Being a loner is no un. Few kids, i any, would

choose not to have any riends. Even the shiest

guys try to make riends. But they arent always

successul. hey hang out by themselves and study by

themselves. As a result, they eel isolated.

Jake was one such loner. Check out his

experience to see how he handled going to school

without any riends.

Like all o his ith grade classmates at his elementary

school, Jake graduated in June and prepared to move

to a new school. Unlike his peers, though, Jake had a

ew riends, but not many. He preerred to play video

games and sometimes even board games by himsel.

Jakes new middle school reaked him out. He

was used to attending a school with about 100 kids

in his grade. He knew many o them because he

had been going to school with them or years. Jakes

middle school, however, had 300 kids in the sixth

grade. He didnt know most o his classmates.

At the start o the

school year, many o

Jakes old classmates

continued hanging out

with each other. But, just as had been the case in

elementary school, Jake didnt hang out with them.

And he elt weird starting conversations with kids he

didnt know.


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He could hear them talking as he walked by in

the hall. A guy would say, Hey, do you have Mr. Ash

or math?

Yeah, the other guy would say, and just like

that, two kids would become instant riends.

Other kids didnt reach out to Jake, either. Jake

elt as i he didnt it in with any o his classmates. He

wasnt a great athlete. He wasnt in the school band.

He didnt want to join any clubs. He was a good

student, but he couldnt ind anything in common

with his peers outside o class.

Jake oten ate lunch in the school caeteria by

himsel or sat with teachers. During ree times in gym

class, he would shoot baskets by himsel. Jake studied


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by himsel, too. He did so even during study hall,

when students were allowed to work together.

Jake couldnt work by himsel orever, though.

One day in social studies, Mr. Murray announced,

For your oral reports on Australia, I am dividing you

into groups. Lissy, Jamie, Zach, and Jake will be in

our irst group.

Jake elt a shiver go through his body when

Mr. Murray said his name. Jamie immediately took

charge. Jake, what section do you want to do? he

asked. Jake paused. He knew nothing about Australia.

Lets see, Jamie said, I have Sydney already.

How about Melbourne?

Uh, okay, Jake replied.

Why did Jake have trouble adjusting tohis new school? Why do you think Jake

avoided conversations with other kids? Have you ever fel t too intimidated toapproach other kids? Why did you feelthat way?

Have you seen a lonely student in yourschool? Have you tried to reach out

to him?


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Jake accepted the invitation, but he was really

nervous. He went to the park ater school on Friday.

He had butterlies in his stomach as he got to thepark and saw about two dozen kids he barely knew.

Although he wasnt great at ootball, he was decent

enough to play. He caught a couple o passes and

made a ew tackles.

Most o the guys didnt know Jake. hey only

knew him as the kid who oten shot baskets byhimsel in gym class. Ater the ootball game, though,

they came over and talked with him.

Youre pretty good, Zach said. I hope youre

on my team next time. hen, Jamie came up to Jake.

Hey dude, he said. Youre in my math class too,

right?Yeah, I think so, Jake replied.

We have that test on Monday. You wanna

come over and study or it on Sunday? Jamie said.


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his time, Jake did not hesitate to give an

answer. Sure, thatd be great he said. Let me know

what time I should be there.

As Jake walked home rom the park ater the

game, he smiled to himsel and took a deep breath.

He still was not entirely comortable at his new

school. He still elt too shy to approach many o his

classmates. But he no longer elt isolated. Some o

his classmates had noticed him and tried to get to

know him. hey seemed to like him and wanted to

hang out with him. Maybe they would even become

riends.

Why was Jake sti l l a bi t apprehensiveabout his new friends as he walked home?

Have you ever reached out and tried tobefriend a loner? What happened? Did youbecome friends?

What about students who have an evenharder time fitt ing in than Jake? Howmight you help them feel less alone?

Do you think Jake wi l l continue to hangout with Jamie and the other guys? Whyor why not?


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sk any adult i they were

popular when they were

your age. Many will laugh.

Others will shudder. Still others will get

nostalgic. Popularity is not as important

to most adults. Many o them are even

embarrassed that they considered their

popularity to be so important when they

were kids. Yet, thats just the way it is.

Being popular is important to most kids

your age.

Being popular is so important, in

act, that some guys get carried away

with it. hese guys make decisions based

on how they think other kids will react

to them. hey might go out o their way

to stay on top o rumors. hey want to


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Being popular is so importantthat some guys get carried

away with it. They makedecisions based on how theythink other kids wil l reactto them.

go to every dance or party. And when they become

popular, they are sometimes mean to kids who arent

popular because they think that it will make them

look better in the eyes o the other popular kids.

hey sometimes orget who they really areand

who their real riends areand act like someone they

really arent.

Sean was one o those popular kids. all, good-

looking, and athletic, Sean quickly became popular

at camp one summer. ake a look at Seans story or a

lesson about being Mr. Popular.

Sean jogged over to the sideline, grabbed his bottle o

Gatorade, and took a big gulp. He wiped his orehead

with his sleeve. He was playing a pickup basketball

game on this irst day o summer camp.

Hi, Sean, he heard a girl call out.

Sean turned around and saw Ashley. She was

a tall, brown-haired girl he had known or a couple

years but had rarely talked to.

Hey, he replied. Shes hot, he thought.

Ashley smiled and continued walking past the

court with a ew riends.

Sean had been

attending the same camp

or a ew years. He knew

a lot o the kids there,

but he had never thought


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much about being popular until the summer he

turned 13. Suddenly, playing sports and working at

the camp radio station werent the only things Sean

cared about. He now paid attention to girls and wasdesperate or them to notice him. He also wanted

other guys to think he was cool.

Sean didnt know why being popular was

suddenly important. He just knew that it was. his

urge inluenced every decision he made, rom what

shorts to wear to what cereal to eat or breakast.Ater all, other kids were watching him, he thought.

Pretty soon, Sean was very popular at camp. He

became riends with some o the prettiest girls his

age. He started on the camp basketball and baseball

teams. He cohosted a show on the radio station once

a week with another popular boy. Other camperswatched his games and cheered or him. he cheers

elt intoxicating to Seanso did the attention rom

the girls.


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By the end o the second week o summer

camp, Sean began to date a popular girl named Lisa.

hey would hold hands and hang out with otherpopular kids. Being popular made Sean eel like he

was better than other, regular guys. One aternoon,

Gabe, who had been his riend the summer beore,

came up to Sean as he was sitting with Lisa and her

riend Izzy on a table in the shade.

Hey, Sean, wanna come play soccer? Gabeasked.

Sean looked at Lisa and Izzy, then turned to

Gabe. He knew the girls thought Gabe was too geeky

to hang out with them.

Uh, I dont think so. Soccer is or geeks, Sean

laughed.Gabe s whole ace turned red. He quickly

walked away. Later that aternoon, Sean came up

How did Sean get popular? Do you thinkhe was being himself or being who hethought others wanted him to be?

Why would Sean pay so much attention towhat other kids thought about him?

Why do you think Sean felt so intoxicatedby the cheering and attention?


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rom behind and knocked Gabe to the ground. Gabe

was not his only target. Sean pushed a lot o kids

around, taunting them and putting them down in

ront o girls. Doing this made him eel stronger,

more powerulmore popular.

Sean igured he had enough riends. He

shunned other kids, even though he had things in

common with them. I they wanted to play pickup

basketball with Sean and his riends, hed tell them to

go away.

As the second session began, new kids arrived

at camp. A ew o them were in Seans cabin, but he

ignored them. He was too cool or them, he thought.

A ew o the new kids didnt like the way Sean

treated them and other guys. hey hated how he

would cut in line or the shower and rip on them in

Why would Sean feel l ike he was better thanother kids just because he was popular?

How did popul arity change Seans behav ior?

Why would Sean close his mind to o ther kidswho were potential friends? What do you

think wil l happen because of this?


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ront o girls. Unlike other kids who had tolerated

Seans antics during the irst session, these new guys

decided to stand up to Sean.Hey, dude, Brendan said to om one

morning, as they cleaned up their bunk. hat Sean

kid is such a jerk.

I know, om replied. He thinks hes all that.

om and Brendan came up with a plan to teach

Sean a lesson. First, they played simple pranks onSean. hey loosened the screws on his bed so when

he got into it, the bed slammed to the loor. hey

told the girls he was riends with rumors, saying

things like he wet the bed and still slept with a

blanky.

wo weeks into the second session, Lisas riendBeth knocked on the door at Seans cabin. Sean came

out to talk to her.


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Wheres Lisa? Seanasked. He nervously looked

around, but did not see heranywhere.

just laughed at him and gossiped about him. One

morning, he was playing basketball when Lisa, Beth,

and two other girls walked by. hey looked at Sean

and giggled. Sean wanted to approach them, but he

was too embarrassed.

What a loser, he

heard Lisa say as they

walked past the court.

Other boys no

longer looked up to Sean.

He didnt know what to do. he summer had started

o so well . . . but he now realized that being popular

had gone to his head. He couldnt wait to get back

home and start attending a new school in the all.

At least there hed have a clean slate.

Did the boys who tricked Sean handle thesituation appropriately?

What else could they have done in thesituation?

Could Sean change the way the kids atcamp view him now? If yes, how?


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What a dork, Brad said.

Pedro, Brad, and others made un o his glasses

and braces. hey called him names. hey laughed

at his poor coordination. During gym class oneaternoon, Amir ell while trying to grab a rebound.

All the boys in classeven some girlslaughed

loudly.

But that teasing was nothing compared to

what Amir had to deal with rom bullies. Some o

the bigger, meaner kids in Amirs class oten pushedaround other kids. So did other kids who had

suddenly become popular.


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Amir told him, Im just having a bad day. I

lunked my history test. alking about the situation

with Mr. Johnson was the last thing Amir wanted

to do. But Mr. Johnsons concern got Amir thinking

about maybe telling his parents sometime.

Amir . . . is everything okay? Amirs mom put

her hand on his orehead as he lay on the couch ater

school that day.

Amir paused. He wanted to say he was ine, but

he couldnt get any words out.

Whats wrong? his mother asked.

Again, Amir said nothing. He just looked at the

loor and tried hard not to cry. his time, though,

tears started rolling down his cheeks.

Why was Amir such a popular target forbull ies? Have you ever been a target?

Why would other kids laugh when Amir wasbeing bull ied, instead of helping him?

Why wouldnt Amir talk to his teacherabout the bullying?

Why does Amir feel l ike less of a personbecause of the bullying?


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ell me whats wrong, his mother begged. Are

you having problems at school?Yes, Amir whispered.

Little by little, Amir told his mother all about

the bullying. She was angry. She couldnt believe the

school allowed this to go on. Why didnt you tell me

this beore? she demanded. We need to put a stop

to this. his is a serious problem. Your classmateshave no right to treat you like this.

he next day, Amirs mother spoke to the

principal, Mr. Elliott. He agreed to try to stop the

bullying. Mr. Elliott called some o the kids who had

been bullying Amir into his oice. He sat them across

rom his desk and looked them in the eye.Ive been told that some o you have been

pushing around one o our students, he said. his

will stop right now.


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Mr. Elliott made it clear they were not to bully

Amir, or any other kids, anymore.

I you continue this behavior, he told them,

you will receive detention, suspension, and possibly

expulsion.

hat aternoon, Amir got on the bus to go

home. He elt nervous as he climbed the stairs. No

one touched him or called him names, but they

watched him. he bullies and their riends shot dirty

looks at Amir.

He was relieved to get home. He made it

through another day. Amir wasnt sure what the

next day would bring, but he no longer elt alone in

dealing with the situation.

What do you th ink prompted Amir to

final ly tel l his mom about the bul lying? Why do you think the principal spoke toAmirs bull ies without Amir in the room?

Do you think the bul lying is real ly over?

What else could Am ir do to help end the

bullying?


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Blake resented that he hadto work harder than theydid just to keep up.

parents who loved him very much. He was athletic,good-looking, and girls talked to him at school.

But not everything was easy or Blake. He had a

learning disability. Sometimes, it took a long time or

something to make sense to him. his held him back

in school. I he didnt work hard at his schoolwork

every day, he would all behind.Blake resented that

he had to work harder

than other kids just to

keep up. When Blake

looked at the bright kids, he became even more

inuriated. hey werent as athletic or cool as him.Few o them were even popular, which he was. How

dare they act like they were better than him.


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Blake eventually started taking out his anger

on the kids he resented. Jonah was answering a lot

o questions in biology class one aternoon. He was

one o the brightest students in the class, with an A

average. Blake had just received a D on his last test,even though hed done all the homework.

his angered Blake. Ater class, as they walked

into the hallway, Blake stuck out his oot and tripped

Jonah. Ooooops, Blake said, laughing.

As he walked away, he heard Jonah whimpering.

A ew classmates laughed. Have a nice trip, Jonah?Ray called out.

For the irst time in weeks, Blake elt better

about himsel. He noticed the same eeling the next

day when he made un o odd, a bright kid in his

history class. odd wore clothes that were too small

or him and parted his hair neatly.Beore class, Blake said to odd, You look like

a girl with your hair like that. Do you have to get up

extra early to make it look so pretty?

Do you have a learning disabil ity? How doesit affect learning and studying?

Why would B lake resent kids he barelyknows? What do you think wil l happenbecause of his resentment?


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One aternoon, Blake ound another target:

Brett. He punched Brett in the arm. hen, he

grabbed Bretts nipple and twisted it until Brettscreamed.

David saw what happened. Blake, why are

you such a bully? he asked. You never pick on kids

your own size. You never tease anyone who is in the

popular crowd. You just pick on people who will

give in to you. You think that makes you cool, but itdoesnt. It just makes you mean.

Several kids in the group were stunned.

Ooooooh, a ew o them said in unison. hey

igured Blake would attack David next.

But Blake did nothing. He couldnt answer

Davids questionsat least not out loud. Instead,Blake just walked away, eeling ashamed. He thought

about what David had said. He knew he didnt bully

stronger kids because he was araid they would ight


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aying attention in class can be

hard sometimes. You have to sit

still and ocus on a subject that

may not interest you. hat can drive

some guys to act out. hey may make

aces, crack jokes, or make noises. hey

do whatever they can or attention. You

probably know at least one o these guys.

He is the class clown.

Being a class clown can be un. o

an extent, you get away with acting out.

Classmates laugh at your jokes, which

can make you eel popular. You dont

have to take school so seriously.

But being the class clown usually

doesnt work out in the long run.

Everybody is in school or a reason: to


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Is something wrong? Aarons mother asked.

He is out o control and has no respect or this

class, she promptly responded.

Something had to be done, they agreed. Im

not sure Aaron is being challenged in this class,

Aarons mother told Ms. Schwartz. It may move too

slowly or him. Mrs. Silver noted that Aarons grades

were not bad and he usually did well on tests. So, she

knew that even though he was acting like a clown, he

had no trouble learning the material. Why dont we

move him to another class? Mrs. Silver suggested.

Not just any class, but the advanced class.

At the end o the quarter, Aaron was moved to

the advanced class. At irst, he tried to be a clown.

He made the usual noises and aces, cracked jokes,

and blew bubbles with his gum.

Do you think Aaron cared about how hisbehavior impacted other students?

Why would Aarons mother suggest movinghim to the advanced class? What do youthink wi l l happen there?

Has a teacher or parent ever moved youto a different class? Why?


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Aaron was stunned. Hehadnt heard such honestwords from another guy inhis class before.

Mark leaned over and said, Nice costume, but

Halloween is still a month away.

Aaron didnt know

what to say.

Mark went on,

Look, youre a unny

guy, but youre really

distracting. How do you

get good grades when you never pay attention in

class?

Aaron was stunned. He hadnt heard such

honest words rom another guy in his class beore.

he whole walk home, Aaron thought about what

Mark had said.

Why would Aarons new classmates ignorehis behavior? What do you think Aaronthought when he couldnt get a reactionout of them?

How did changing classes affect Aaron?

Why do you think Mark said what hedid? Why was his opinion so surprisingto Aaron?


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t started with toys and cereal.

Now, its apparel and sneakers.

Pretty soon, it may be cars and

gadgets. hroughout your lie, you will

be bombarded with advertisements rom

people trying to get you to buy stu.

Some o them are hard to resist.

Its especially diicult as an

adolescent. Because you are still iguring

out who you are, you may be on the

lookout or the next hot product to

identiy with. Look around your school.

You probably see kids exhibiting any

number o styles. Many o them will

change by this time next year.

Some kids go overboard. In an

attempt to it in or ind an identity,


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Kevin was a kid who alwayswanted to be ahead of thecurve with new styles andtrends. He thought they

would make him more popularand make classmates thinkhe was cool.

they jump rom one ad to the next. Many o these

ads dont it them at all, but they are desperate to

try them out. hese guys seem oblivious to how silly

they may look.

Kevin was a kid who always wanted to be ahead

o the curve with new styles and trends. He thought

they would make him more popular and make

classmates think he was cool. But he learned he was

wrong.

When he started

middle school, Kevin

suddenly started to pay

a lot o attention to his

appearanceespecially

what he wore. He noticed

that many o the eighth

graders looked much cooler than he did. hey

seemed to be popular, talked to girls, and looked

happy. I want to be like that, Kevin thought.

O course he couldnt be exactlylike the other

kids, so he settled or what he considered the next-

best thing: to act and look just like the most popular

kids in school. Not many o Kevins riends ollowed

the trends, but Kevin decided he would have to be

stylish i he wanted to be popular.

At the time, all kinds o ads had iniltrated

Kevins school. Many guys wore baggy, dark jeans


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Kevin adopted all thosefads. After al l , he wantedto look l ike he fit in. By theend of his f irst semester of

middle school, his friendsdidnt recognize himanymore.

watched hip-hop videos over and over again on his

computer. He memorized some o the lines and

repeated them out loud at school. He started wearing

his baggy jeans pulled down low, showing his boxer

shorts. When he spoke to his parents, Kevin repeated

the slang terms he heard

in the videos and had

seen in his new avorite

television shows.

Whats up with

Kevin? Brandon said to

Billy one morning at the

bus stop.


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I know, Billy said. Hes gotten weird.

Kevins parents only shook their heads and tried

to ignore his behavior.

Hes going through a phase, his mother said.

How long is this phase going to last? his ather

shot back. Hes getting to be obnoxious.

One day ater school, Kevins old riend Nate

called to him across the hallway. Kevin! Will you sit

by me on the bus? Ive got some new songs we can

listen to on my iPod, Nate yelled.

Kevin was embarrassed. He was walking with

a group o his new riendsthe guys who dressed

like himand he didnt want to be seen hanging out

with Nate. Kevin turned his shoulder and pretended

he hadnt heard Nate. He knew it was wrong, but he

What do Kevin s parents mean when they sayhes going through a phase?

Have you ever changed your entireappearance and tastes so much that your

friends didnt recognize you? Why did youdo it?

Why do you think Kevin changed so much,so quickly?


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didnt care. He had more important people to hang

out with.

By the end o the school year, Kevin had

completely stopped hanging out with many o his old

riends. His new riends were into the same styles he


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Why did Kev in find it hard to connectwith his new friends?

What did Kevin real ize about hisfriendship with Nate?

Do you think Nate wi l l forgive Kevin? Whyor why not?


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eaving riends behind is one o

the most diicult things some

guys have to do. Suddenly, your

amily moves to a new town or you

transer to a dierent school. You were

used to seeing your riends almost every

day. Now, you see them once a week,

once a month, or only once a year.

When a guy moves, he loses the

daily support o old riends whom he

trusted. Suddenly, hes surrounded by

kids he barely knows. And no parent,

teacher, or coach can ill the voidno

matter how hard they try.

Ron is one guy who had this

experience when he moved to a new

school. He started sixth grade in one


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When a guy moves, he losesthe daily support of oldfriends whom he trusted.Suddenly, hes surroundedby kids he barely knows.

school, while most o his riends enrolled at another.

ake a look at Rons story to see how he coped with

the anxiety o leaving riends behind.

Ron had been happy at

his elementary school.

It was close to home, so

he walked there every

morning with his littlebrother and his riends Steve and John. Ron would

spend recess playing ootball or basketball with his

riends. Ater school, he competed on organized

sports teams with those same riends. He volunteered

at the school store and knew many o the teachers.

Ater ith grade, Rons parents transerred himto a private school. hey said the new school would

challenge him more academically and provide

more structure.


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his will help you become a better student and

learn discipline, his ather said.

Do I have to? Ron asked.

Yes, you do.

Rons ather was right about the new school.

Rons sixth grade classes were much harder than his

classes had been at the old school, and his teachers

expected him to be more organized and more

respectul in class. But moving to a new school had

negative consequences, too. For the irst time he

could remember, Ron was not around his riends

every day. In act, he barely saw them at all.

Ron missed his old riends. Most o them still

attended school together. hey hung out all the time

and made more riends at their middle school. With

the longer drive home rom school, Ron missed a lot

o un every aternoon. Ron worried that he would

be abandoned by his old buddies because he was

suddenly not at school with them.

Why was Ron so comfortable at hiselementary school? Are you happy with your group of friends?What would you do if you had to leave thembehind?


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Mom, he said to his mother one night shortly

ater school started in the all, what i my old riends

dont want to hang out with me anymore?heyre all in the neighborhood. Youll still see

them around, his mother replied, but Ron didnt eel

any better. He just wasnt sure.

Why did Ron feel isolated without his o ldfriends around?

Have you ever moved away from closefriends? Were you able to keep in touchwith them?

Why was Ron so anxi ous about what hisold friends were up to?


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In winter, basketball season started and Ron

rejoined a ew o his riends on their league team.

His ace broke into a broad smile when he saw Ross,

David, and a ew other old riends on the irst day

o practice. He hadnt smiled so big in a while. Hey

guys, he called out as he walked into the gym. he

other boys looked at Ron and smiled. Dude, David

said, where have you been?

At irst, Ron elt like nothing had changed.

But he realized that he was let out o a lot o

conversations. When the guys talked about the time

Mr. Wallaces toupee ell o in class, Ron thought the

story was unnybut he hadnt been there to see it.

And they had all kinds o inside jokes that Ron didnt


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get. He couldnt igure out why they all yelled out

Kidneys! and laughed hysterically when someone

did something stupidbut he didnt want to ask,

either.

Ron was sad that he was growing apart rom

his old riends. But he really liked some o the new

riends he was making, like Barry rom his science

class. He wondered i maybe moving on was or

the best.

Have you ever reunited with old friendsafter being apart for a long time? How didthat feel?

Do you agree with Ron that moving on tonew friends is for the best?


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Here, he responded meekly.

he other students were surprised to hear a new

name, and several turned around when Dan spoke.

Class, we have a new student with us this

morning, Ms. Claiborne said. Daniel just moved

here rom Pennsylvania. Please welcome him. Daniel,

introduce yoursel.

Dan stood up. His voice quivered, and his body

shook a bit. Uh, my name is Daniel Simpson, he

said. I grew up in York, in Pennsylvania. I moved

here last week.

At lunch and recess, Dans new classmates

surrounded him.

Whats Pennsylvania like? Chris wondered.

Why did you move here? Kelsey asked.

Uh, I moved here because my dad got a new

job, Dan replied. Pennsylvania is okay, I guess.

So do you, like, play baseball or anything?

Chris went on.

Why would Dan try to avoid being noticed byhis new classmates?

Why do you think Dan was so nervous aboutintroducing himself? Have you ever beennervous about meeting new kids?


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What kind o music do you listen to? Kelsey

asked. I love hip-hop.

No, I dont really like baseball, but I like

basketball. No, I dont listen to hip-hop. Dan liked

the interest the kids showed in him, but he elt so

dierent rom them. He didnt seem to like what they

liked. Im never going to fit in, he thought to himsel.

He just wanted the school day to end.

Dan sat through a ew more classes and was

barraged by more questions until the day inally

ended. He trudged home rom the bus stop and

walked in the ront door.

How was your irst day? His mom asked

cheerully. Did you make any new riends?

Mom, do I have to go back tomorrow? he

asked, though he knew what her answer would be.


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His mother chuckled. O course you do,

honey. But cheer up. Itll get better. Just be yoursel.

Dan didnt eel encouraged by his moms words.

He went to bed dreading going to school the next

day. he rest o the week was just as tough or Dan.

he kids kept asking him questions, and Dan elt like

he kept giving the wrong answers. He got less and

less talkative as the week went on. Soon, the others

stopped talking to him all together.

Dan didnt know what to do to it in better. He

couldnt pretend to like things he wasnt interested

in. he kids in his classes had learned to ignore him

because he wouldnt carry on a conversation with

them. Dan was miserable. His grades were starting

to suer because he wouldnt speak in class and did

poorly on group projects.

Dan got into the habit o eating his lunch really

ast and then going to the library to read by himsel

or the rest o the period. One day, he had just settled

Why do you think Dan wanted the other kidsin class to leave him alone?

Why would Dan want to stay away fromschool? Have you ever wanted to avo id aplace because you were new?


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in at one o the tables to start his avorite authors

new graphic novel, when he heard the chair across

rom him moving. A guy who hed seen in the hall

but never met sat down across rom him.

Hi, the other guy said. Im Steve. Youre Dan,

right? You moved here a ew weeks ago?

Yeah, said Dan, warily. From Pennsylvania.

Hes my avorite author, said Steve, pointing

to Dans book. I havent read the new one yet.

Hes great, right? replied Dan, warming up.

You wanna borrow it when Im done?

he guys talked about graphic novels until

lunch was over. Dan went to his next class with a new

spring in his step.Maybe there is someone in this school

I can talk to, he thought.

Why did Dan have so much trouble fitt ingin with his new classmates?

Why did Dan start to struggl e withschoolwork? Has a personal problem everaffected your schoolwork?

Why did one conversation make such adifference to Dan? Do you think he wil lstart making more friends now?


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Life can be complicatedfor a guy with culturaldifferences. While many ofhis classmates eat pizzaand play football , he may

eat shepherds pie, atraditional Engl ish food, andlove soccer.

Raphael struggled to overcome cultural

dierences with his classmates. His amily moved

rom Brazil to the United States. Raphael barely

spoke English and knew nothing about U.S.

culture, except or what he saw in the movies and on

television. ake a look at Raphaels story to see how

he handled this situation.

Raphael came rom a

large Brazilian amily. He

grew up playing soccer

with his brothers and

going to the beach near

his amilys house. He was

competitive and smart,

and lots o guys wanted

to be his riend.

When Raphael was 12, his amily moved to the

United States. Raphael quickly realized that his new

classmates were dierent rom his riends in Brazil.

On his irst day o school, many o them organized a

ootball game at recess. Raphael joined in.

But he was surprised when they started

throwing around a unny-shaped brown ball with

white stripes. Football? he wondered out loud.

his is ootball?

Yeah, Michael answered. What did you think

we were going to do?


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Raphael had expected them to be kicking

around a soccer ball. In Brazil, kids called soccer

futbol, which sounds like ootball.

Raphaels new classmates were dierent in other

ways, too. hey only went to the beach during the

summer, because it was a ew hours away. Worst o

all, none o them spoke a word o Portuguese. hat

was the only language Raphael knew well.

Raphael was determined to it in at his new

school. At irst, that was diicult. Raphael joined

the ootball games his classmates played during

recess. But he didnt know the rules o American

ootball. One morning, he tackled a classmate ater

the boy had stepped out o bounds. Raphael did not

understand the play had ended.

Raphael! Michael yelled. What the heck are

you doing?


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On another play, he tried to kick the ball

instead o throw it. Raphael, Justin said, sounding

agitated, were not attempting a ield goal now.

Football has so many weird rules, Raphael

thought.

Most o the time, Raphael could barely

understand what his classmates were saying. When he

started his new school, he was placed in a special class

with other students who primarily spoke languages

other than English.

One day in the caeteria, a popular kid named

Scott called Raphael over to his table. Raphael

elt special that Scott had singled him out. Hey,

Raphael, Scott said, sit down. We were just

talking about that new spy movie that came out this

weekend. Did you see it?

Describe a situation where everyone wasdifferent from you. How did you handle it?

Is there anyone i n your class from anotherculture? How are you different? How areyou al ike?

Would being different from yourclassmates make you feel uneasy oruncertain about yourself?


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No, Raphael answered. He was embarrassed.

He had no idea what Scott was talking about, but the

other guys seemed to be excited about the movie.

I loved that chase scene, Scott continued.

Remember what the spy called the bad guys? he

other guys laughed and said the word aloud. It was a

new word to Raphael.

Yeah, piped in Jack. hat actors so cool. You

should really see that movie, Raphael.

Raphael knew he probably wouldnt

even understand the movie i he saw it. But he

remembered the word the guys had said. I that

movie was so cool, then that word must be cool, too.

It wasnt until later, when a teacher overheard

him saying the word in the hallway, that he learned it

wasnt so cool ater all. He was so embarrassed when

he ound out what the word meant.

Raphael was upset about what had happened.

He told his mom about it when he got home.

What do you th ink it would be l ike to moveto a place where everyone spoke a differentlanguage?

Do you think the boys tricked Raphael intosaying a bad word? Why or why not?


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So, why dont you, honey? Lets sign you up or

a team. hat way, youll meet boys who like soccer

just as much as you do. And as or the language, well,

your ather and I want you and your brothers to sign

up or extra English classes on Saturday mornings.

We think they will help a lot.

Raphael agreed. He was excited about the soccer

league. As much as he wanted to it in with his new

classmates, he didnt want to orget everything about

his Brazilian culture. It was an important part o who

he was.

Raphaels English improved quickly. Now, he

could understand what his classmates were saying. He

was able to move out o the special education class he

started in to the larger class that was conducted ully

in English.

Raphael loved his soccer league. He discovered

that, although most o his classmates preerred

Have you ever taken interest in a newculture? Was it difficult to understand?

Do you think joini ng a soccer team andtaking Engl ish classes wi l l help Raphael bemore comfortable with U.S. culture? Why orwhy not?


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ootball, plenty o American kids also liked soccer.

And Raphael was great at soccer. He was instantly

one o the top players on his team. He scored a ton o

goals playing orward.

At the end o the season, Raphaels teammates

were invited to his house or a party. His mother

cooked them an authentic Brazilian lunch.

Wow, what is this? Zach asked as he dug into

a second helping.

Fried plantains, Raphael replied, in perect

English.

Its really good, Zach said.

Zach also ound it ascinating when Raphael

and his mother spoke to each other in Portuguese.

Hey, Raphael, Zach said, could you teach me some

Portuguese?

Sim, Raphael replied in Portuguese. Sure.

How did Raphael overcome his cultura ldifferences?

Why do you think Raphael invited histeammates to his house for a party at theend of the soccer season?

Have you ever gone to the house of afriend from another culture?


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angs are groups o people, oten

young males, who band together

in the name o brotherhood.

Yet, they can be violent and sometimes

engage in illegal behavior such as drug

dealing, thet, and assault. Gangs might

ight with other gangs or other groups o

people. Many gang members oten end

up in jailor worse.

Guys might join gangs to eel

secure and popular. You might eel that

joining a gang will help you stay sae. It

may be tempting to join a gang i your

amily isnt involved in your lie or i

you wish you had more riends. Maybe

you live in a poorer part o the city or

youre not doing well in school, and you


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Guys might join gangs tofeel secure and popular.You might feel that joining agang wil l help you stay safe.

think this will be a way to make you eel better about

yoursel. But gangs are dangerous and can lead you

down the wrong path.

In some neighborhoods, though, it seems like

everyone is in a gangmaybe even someone in your

own amily. You may

eel pressure to go into

the amily business.

Or maybe you live in a

part o the city that has

so many gangs it could

be dangerous i you didnt join one. I a guy grows

up in an area with a lot o gang activity, he may not

even think joining a gang is a choice. Michael ound

himsel in this situation.

Bye, Michael, have a good day, ina said as

she climbed into the bus.


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Bye, ina. See you later, he said.

Each day beore he walked to school, Michael

stayed at the bus stop with his little sister, ina, to

make sure she got saely on the bus. heir mom

worked two jobs, and she was already at her irst one

beore Michael or ina woke up in the morning.

Michael would never let his sister wait alone outside

their apartment, so he had to wait with her.

Michael and his amily lived in a large, busy

city. he area was pretty run-down, and it had more

than its share o gang activity. Gun shots and police

or ambulance sirens could oten be heard at night.

Michaels mom oten shut their apartment windows

to drown out the sound.

As Michael walked to school that morning, he

thought about his neighborhood and his initiation

Why do you think Michael has to wait withhis sister? What do you think could happen

if he didnt? What do you think goes through Michael smind when he hears the sirens each night?Why do you think his mom tries to drown outtheir sound?


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that night. He had to use two hands to count the

number o times hed been approached by gang

members. Although he tried to keep his cool, each

time they talked to him he elt a sinking eeling in hisgut and his heartbeat raced. he threats to him and

his sister were getting to be too much. He saw what

happened to guys who didnt join up. It wasnt pretty.

In the hallway at school, Michael ran into Sam.

You ready or tonight? Sam asked him.

Yeah, man, Im ready. Ill see you at 10. Youstill cant tell me whats going on? Michael asked.

No, youll ind out soon enough.

As Michael walked into class, he thought about

Sams last comment. Why did he need to wear all

black? o rob someplace? He didnt think thatd be

that bad. He knew initiations could be much worse.Sam was initiated last month by being beaten. He

almost had to go to the hospital, and the last o his

cuts and bruises were still noticeable.


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At 10:00 oclock that night, Michael met some

o the members o Sams gang in an abandonedparking lot. His palms were sweating as he walked up

to them.

Croz, one o the leaders, spoke irst. He told

Michael the gangs initiations were meant to weed

out the guys who werent tough enough to make it in.

Each member protected the others, and they had tobe sure he was willing to do anything or them.

Do you know what blood in, blood out is?

the leader asked.

Ive heard o it, Michael said.

Well, its pretty simple. o get in, bloods gotta

spill. Either your own or someone elses. Youre lucky,cuz tonight its someone elses.

Why is Michael joi ning a gang? What wouldyou do in his situation?

Why cant Michael just igno re the gangmembers and do his own thing? Do you thinkhes thought about that? If so, what do you

think his conclusion was? Have you ever known someone who joined agang? Why do you think he joined?


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He told Michael that a rival gang was

encroaching on their territory, and that they needed

to be taught a lesson. Michael was the one who

would do it. His initiation was to stab one o the rival

gangs members.

You ready? the gang leader asked.

I Michael did this, hed be in. Hed have

protection or himsel and his sister. But would he

get caught? What would happen then? And he had

to stab this guy. He might kill him. But i he didnt

stab the guy, Sams gang would beat him badlyhed

heard the storiesand probably be out or him in the

uture. Hed be unprotected.

Michael hesitated, and then he answered.

What do you think Michaels answer wil lbe? If you were in his posit ion, what wouldyou do?

Can Michael get out of this situationwithout joining the gang? If so, how? Doyou think hed have to worry about hissafety afterward?

Have you ever been in a situation l ike

Michaels? Have you ever had to make ahard decision that could end negativelyeither way? How did you decide?


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Good luck!Ryan


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Haber, Joel David. Bullyproof Your Child for Life: Protect

Your Child from Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying forGood. New York: Perigee, 2007.

Marcus, Dave. What It Takes to Pull Me Through: Why

Teenagers Get in TroubleAnd How Four of Them GotOut. Boston, MA: Houghton Milin, 2005.

Sheras, Peter L. Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understandingand Ending Schoolyard Tyranny. New York: Fireside,2002.

Clment, Claude, and Melissa Daly. Dont Be Shy: How

to Fit In, Make Friends, and Have FunEven If YouWerent Born Outgoing. New York: Amulet, 2005.

Desetta, Al, ed. The Courage to Be Yourself: True Stories byTeens About Cliques, Conflicts, and Overcoming PeerPressure. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit, 2005.

Humphrey, Sandra McLeod. Hot Issues, Cool Choices:Facing Bullies, Peer Pressure, Popularity and Put-downs.Amherst, NY:Prometheus, 2007.

o learn more about dealing with riends and enemies,visit ABDO Publishing Company online at

www.abdopublishing.com. Web sites about dealingwith riends and enemies are eatured on our Book Linkspage. hese links are routinely monitored and updated toprovide the most current inormation available.


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For more inormation on this subject, contact or visit theollowing organizations:

Big Brothers Big Sisters of America230 North 13th Street

Philadelphia, PA 19107215-567-7000www.bbbs.orgVolunteers are connected to youth ages 6 to 18 to create amentoring relationship in which all kinds o activities canhappen.

Boy Scouts of America

www.scouting.orgBoy Scouts o America provides a program oryoung people to build character, get trained in theresponsibilities o participating citizenship, and developpersonal itness.

National Center for Bullying PreventionPACER Center, Inc.8161 Normandale BoulevardBloomington, MN 55437888-248-0822www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.orghe center provides inormation about how to counterand deal with bullying.


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o desert or leave somebody alone who you used tocare about.

Feeling apart and dierent rom people around you.

Feeling nervous and hyper.

A tight bond between guys who are similar to eachother, almost as though they are really brothers.

A tight group o riends who oten exclude othersrom their group.

he ability to control your actions even under toughcircumstances.

Control and power over somebody else.

Emotional circumstances; commotion betweenpeople.

o prevent somebody rom joining in.


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A quirky trend or style that usually does not last long.

Embarrassed to an extreme level.

Able to be inluenced by others; vulnerable.

Standing by your riends and amily, even in toughsituations.

Grown up; acting more like an adult than a kid.

A period o time when a person acts in a way that isunlike them.

o conirm; endorse somebody elses ideas.


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adjusting, 13, 18aggression, 38, 46avoidance, 13, 18, 19, 78, 80, 84, 104, 105

bullying, 18, 4047bystander, 4345, 104

victim, 3039, 47, 104

class clown, 4857clothes, 42, 66, 67, 74cultural diferences, 8493, 105culture, 85, 87, 90, 91, 9293

depression, 18, 38discipline, 70, 108

embarrassment, 20, 27, 30, 31, 62, 87, 88, 92, 109extracurricular activities, 10, 82

ad, 9, 59, 60, 61, 67, 104amily, 10, 29, 40, 68, 77, 84, 85, 92, 93, 9496, 99,

100,ear, 18, 39, 45, 82, 83

gangs, 94101, 105gossip, 20, 27

humiliation, 30, 31, 34, 43, 109

identity, 5859, 66, 67insecurity, 18, 46


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labels, 9, 50, 5867language, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90

body, 46, 47leaving riends, 6875loner, 8, 1019, 104loyalty, 101, 102103, 105, 109

making riends, 11, 1819, 74, 82, 101

new kid, 8, 68, 7083

parents, 18, 19, 29, 34, 3536, 38, 40, 47, 49, 53,6062, 67, 68, 69, 74, 95

personality, 29, 66,popularity, 2029

schoolhomework, 42new, 11, 13, 17, 27, 68, 6970, 73, 77, 86, 87principal, 36, 37,teacher, 12, 18, 3435, 42, 50, 51, 53, 54, 56, 68, 69,

70, 88sel-esteem, 43style, 58, 59, 63, 66, 67support, 68, 74

teasing, 32, 33, 34territoriality, 100

trend, 59, 60, 66, 104, 109

validation, 74, 109violence, 94, 100


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Ryan Basen is a writer and journalism proessor livingin Charlotte, North Carolina. A ormer newspaper andmagazine reporter, Ryan has also written books aboutNBA and NASCAR stars and sports issues. He earnedawards rom the North Carolina Press Association andAssociated Press Sports Editors or work he did as areporter with The Charlotte Observernewspaper in 2007and 2008.

iStockphoto, cover, 3, 71, 97; James Pauls/iStockphoto,

12; Alan Crosthwaite/iStockphoto, 16; Lori Sparkia/iStockphoto, 22; Duncan Walker/iStockphoto, 25; SkipOdonnell/iStockphoto, 26; Chris Schmidt/iStockphoto,32; Cat London/iStockphoto, 34; Patrick Herrera/iStockphoto, 36; Arthur Kwiatkowski/iStockphoto,41; Matty Symons/iStockphoto, 44; Courtney Navey/iStockphoto, 49; ova eitelbaum/iStockphoto, 50;Julin Rovagnati/iStockphoto 52; Gautier Willaume/

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