1

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

A pantomime by Simon Sladen

[Script Excerpts]

2

© Simon Sladen 2014 Simon Sladen has asserted his rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work. All rights reserved. No part of this script may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the copyright holder. All rights whatsoever in this pantomime are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsals begin to the copyright holder via s.sladen@live.co.uk. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

3

Cast

[GOLDIE] Goldilocks [PRINCE] Prince Furgold

[KING] King Henry [QUEEN] Queen Matilda [MALICE] Evil Enchantress Malicious Malice [FAIRY] Fairy Fortune

[MRS.T] Mrs Tabitha Titters (the Dame) [TATTERS] Tatters [GIRL] Girl

[VOICE] Telephone voice-over [WANDA] Wonderful Wanda, the Fairy Queen

Scene Synopsis

Act 1 Prologue

Sc 1 – Village Fete Sc 2 – Tumbledown Castle Sc 3 – The Castle Gardens

Sc 4 – Fairy Fortune and Malicious Malice meet again Sc 5 – The Castle Kitchens Sc 6 – Fairy Fortune and Malice Sc 7 – The Banqueting Hall

Act 2 Prologue

Sc 1 – In the Forest Sc 2 – Tumbledown Castle Sc 3 – The Bears' House Sc 4 – Fairy Fortune thinks…

Sc 5 – Back at Tumbledown Castle Sc 6 – Audience Participation Sc 7 - The Grand Wedding

4

[Script Excerpt 1]

Act One Scene One: Village Fete

[...]

GOLDIE: Do you think the King will come here today to meet his people?

TATTERS: Good old King Henry? GOLDIE: Yes, good old King Henry.

TATTERS: No. Why would he want to come down here and mix with the “common people”?

GOLDIE: We’re not common Tatters. We’re just not…well….as rich TATTERS: We’re his royal subjects, his servants; commoners. They have everything, money, wealth…

GOLDIE: But money doesn’t buy you happiness Tatters. And anyway, King Henry and Queen Matilda aren’t mega rich. Not any more.

TATTERS: Well, it’s just that, well, why can’t I be King? King Tatters of Tumbledown. Has a certain ring

to it doesn’t it? GOLDIE: Oh Tatters, you would make a good King, but you can’t be the King as you don’t have royal

blood. TATTERS: Well I don’t think it’s right. Prince Furgold’s our age and he’ll be King one day and I’ll still be here, fixing and mending and kissing his shiny little…

PRINCE: My shiny little what?

TATTERS: } GOLDIE: } Oh your majesty. (Bow) PRINCE: Arise, arise you two. Look, I don’t want to draw attention to myself here. If my father knows

that I’ve been mixing with common ers TATTERS: See, I told you, why I….

PRINCE: Then he won’t be too happy at all. We’re not supposed to converse with people below status in public.

TATTERS: Then why are you here? Go away Frubbort or whatever your name is, Goldi locks and I were having a nice conversation before you arrived. GOLDIE: Don’t be so rude Tatters. Apologies Prince Furgold, ignore him.

TATTERS: He normally does, everyone does. PRINCE: I don’t ignore you Tatters, I value the work that you do for us. You’re one of our mos t reliable

servants. TATTERS: You’re just saying that.

5

GOLDIE: No he’s not Tatters. Take a compliment when it’s handed to you.

TATTERS: (Quietly) Thank you. What are you doing here anyway Princey boy? PRINCE: I just had to get out of the castle. It’s a bit stressful there at the mo, what with the money

problems and everything. I wanted to see what you get up to in your free time. TATTERS: Well you’ve seen now, so you can go back.

GOLDIE: Tatters! Well, I think it’s lovely that you’re here your highness. PRINCE: Please, call me Furgold.

TATTERS: Can I call you Furgie? GOLDIE: Tatters! That’s quite enough, go and get us both a toffee apple please

TATTERS: Oh I see. I know when I’m not wanted.

PRINCE: What’s his problem? GOLDIE: He’s just a little bit jealous I think your Highness.

PRINCE: Please Goldilocks, it’s Furgold.

(Market starts to shut up and leave. TATTERS chases toffee apple cart off. GOL DIE and PRINCE relax)

GOLDIE: Sorry. You know I think it’s ever so wonderful that your mum and dad gave us this morning off so that we could celebrate

PRINCE: I’m glad you think so. It was my idea. You all work so hard for us, I think it’s only right you get some time to enjoy yourselves now and again. And besides, I wanted to have some time with you on my own, well as alone as we can be. At least we’re away from my parents and the prying eyes of the castle.

(PRINCE goes to take her hand)

GOLDIE: Furgold, not here. Look, if Tatters sees, he’ll be so upset. I don’t know how to break it to him

really. I think he knows though, he can read me like a book. Ever since mum and dad died he’s been like a brother to me. He’s very protective.

PRINCE: You’re going to have to tell him properly one day Goldie. If we’re to get married. (Produces ring). GOLDIE: Woah. But you know you’re parents won’t bless the marriage, I don’t have royal blood.

PRINCE: But I love you Goldie.

GOLDIE: And I love you too. (Takes ring) PRINCE: And I’m fed up of playing this silly little game “Good morrow young lady, could you polish my shoes?”

GOLDIE: Why of course your highness, anything for you.

(PRINCE and GOLDIE giggle and go to kiss, TATTERS runs on straight through the middle to st op them)

6

TATTERS: (Out of breath)They only had one left, so I got it for you Goldilocks. Sorry Furby.

PRINCE: Furgold. Prince Furgold. TATTERS: What kind of a name is that? Why couldn’t you be Prince Charming – something normal. Oh,

because you’re not normal are you? GOLDIE: Tatters! Don’t be so rude to his majesty.

PRINCE: I’d better be getting back. GOLDIE: Oh yes, we’ve got to be back by one and it’s nearly that now

PRINCE: And if mum and dad realise I’m gone, then I’ve had it. Come on you two, you can ride back in my coach if you like

GOLDIE: That would be amazing, thank you. PRINCE: Tatters?

TATTERS: What? PRINCE: Are you coming with us?

TATTERS: No. Commoners shouldn’t ride in carriages and gallivant with royalty. PRINCE: Last chance. (TATTERS doesn’t answer) Ok then, see you back at thepalace.

TATTERS: I don’t like him. There’s something about him. He’s…he’s….he’s everything I’m not and Goldilocks loves him because he’s handsome and the prince. No one loves me. Goldilocks

does, but only as a friend. She’s the only real friend I’ve got. Hey, would you like to be my friends? Would you? Great! We can have a secret code, that only real friends have. Hmm, what could it be. I know! When I come on the stage, I’ll ask you “Hiya kids, how’s it going?” and you’ll say “Terrific Tatters, Ta!” Did you get that? Shall we give it a try? “Hiya Kids” (Etc). I

feel much better now. I feel top of the morning Tatters terrific! Oops, its nearly one o’clock – I’m going to have to run as fast I can back to the palace. Tuttah Kids!

7

[Script Excerpt 2]

Act 1 Scene 2 – Tumbledown Castle

[...] QUEEN: Mrs Titters, if you’ve quite finished. We need to talk to you about dinner. We will be having an extra guest.

MRS.T: How exciting. Anyone I know?

KING: Princess Pontefract. MRS.T: Princess Pompeypants? Urgh not her, that obese hippopotamus of a child.

QUEEN: Yes, her. MRS.T: Well, I’ll have to go out again now to get some more food. There won’t be

enough. She’ll eat it all and you’ll go starving. QUEEN: Yes, very well, very well.

MRS.T: May I ask why she’s coming? Has she devoured everything there is in her own kingdom? KING: The reason she’s coming, is because her and Prince Furgold are to be betrothed.

MRS.T: Be-what? QUEEN: Betrothed.

MRS.T: Bless you! QUEEN: (Confused) Thank you. They are going to get married.

MRS.T: Does he know yet? Oh the poor child. Married to that thing. QUEEN: But we know that Furgold will love her, she’s just his type, a Page Three model.

MRS.T: Yes, out of the Argos catalogue.

KING: It will solve all of our money problems. MRS.T: But…

KING: Enough Mrs Titters, please get on with the preparations. If you need some help, Tatters is around here somewhere. Goldilocks is upstairs, getting the room ready for her visit.

QUEEN: We shall be in the drawing room if you require us.

(Exit)

MRS.T: Oh no, Poor old Furgold. To be married to Princess Pontefract. She really is ugly you know. I

think she was once a princess and a prince kissed her and she turned into the frog! I know it’s cruel, but it’s true. Anyway my dears, I haven’t introduced myself properly. Mrs Tabitha

8

Titters at your service. No job too big for me. Don’t flatter yourself sir. I’m the housemistress here, which basically means I am in charge and have to ensure that this place is spick, span,

spotless and running like clockwork. I also do the cooking. Times are hard you see, and they can’t afford a cook as well – so muggings here was giving a “promotion”. Ha rk at me moaning, it’s not really that bad. Who else can say they live in a castle? Apart from the King, Queen and Prince. We do have some fun here. My husband, bless his soul, used to work

here as well when he was alive. He was the gamekeeper – always game Gerald. He came from a very musical family, he did. Yes, even his sewing machine was a Singer! We had such a lovely honeymoon. We went to this posh hotel and the restaurant served breakfast at any time, so he asked for toast from the Renaissance. I do miss him, but Goldie and Tatters keep

me on my toes.

SONG

MRS.T: Oh, look at the time. I must dash. Get to the shops, get more food, get back here, cook a

meal for Princess Guzzletrumps, wash up, do my corns, shave my legs, have a wash and go to bed. So much to do, so l ittle time – I’d better hurry. Bye boys and girls!

9

[Script Excerpt 3] Act 1 Scene 7 - The Banqueting Hall

[...] KING: Is everything to your approval dearest? QUEEN: Just about. Everything must go exactly to plan this evening. We don’t want to show ourselves

up in front of our royal neighbours. KING: No we don’t.

QUEEN: So, Henry, dearest, do try not to grunt and snuffle when you’re eating your food. And don’t slurp your wine.

KING: Yes dear QUEEN: And whatever you do, don’t belch.

KING: But sometimes I can’t help it. All the bubbles and everything, well, you know, they… QUEEN: No I don’t know. I despair sometimes, really I do. You have been warned.

KING: And so have you.

(KING covers his mouth as if he is about to burp, QUEEN gives him a glare. Enter PRINCE)

QUEEN: Ah, there you are son and looking so handsome this evening. PRINCE: Thank you.

KING: Come and sit down son. There’s lots of lovely food for us all. Oh, no, don’t sit there, that seat is reserved for our guest.

QUEEN: Would you like some wine son? PRINCE: No thank you.

KING: Go on. It’s Mrs Titters’ top tipple. PRINCE: I think I’ll pass.

KING: Tatters likes Mrs Titters’ top tipple.

QUEEN: Today Tatters tried Mrs Titters’ top tipple and tottered tipsily toward some trees. PRINCE: (Sarcastically) What a treat to try the top tipple of Mrs Titters, tenaciously trying to not get tipsy or tiddly like Tatters today.

KING: To me Mrs.Titters’ top tipple sounds tremendously tasty.

QUEEN: Do try Mrs.Titters’ tasty top tipple as a treat. PRINCE: No, Tatters told me Mrs Titters’ top tipple tastes like turps! Try to avoid…

10

KING: Suit yourself.

QUEEN: Darling, there’s something we want to talk to you about, isn’t there Henry? KING: Yes, yes there is. Son, you’re at that age…..

PRINCE: Actually Mum, Dad, there’s something I want to talk to you about. KING: Huh?

QUEEN: Can’t it wait? This is very important, not just for you, but for us as well, isn’t it Henry?

KING: Yes. Yes it is. PRINCE: What I’ve got to say is just as important. You know Goldilocks…

QUEEN: We all know Goldilocks, golden locks, cleans up after us… PRINCE: Her and I, we…

(A doorbell rings)

QUEEN: Mrs.Titters, would you see to that please?

PRINCE: (Coughs) Goldilocks and I, me and Goldilocks, well, we’re… QUEEN: Don’t say it. Just do not say it. Tell him not to say it Henry.

KING: Do as your mother says.

PRINCE: But Mum, you don’t understand. I love her. QUEEN: I don’t want to hear any more of this. Love, you don’t know what love is.

PRINCE: I do understand and I’m old enough to make my own decisions.

(MRS.T arrives with the cloaked guest , MAL ICE in disguise)

MRS.T: Your guest Ma’am. QUEEN: Thank you Mrs.Titters. I’ll hear no more of this nonsense Furgold. And especially not in the

presence of our guest. (Turns to guest) Please sit down Princess Pontefract and help yourself. (She devours a lot) As healthy appetite as ever we see. That’s our family friend Princess Pontefract for you. It is such a pleasure to have you here. Are you cold? Would you like to take your cloak off? I can call our House Mistress, who would be more than happy

to take it for you? So, what do you think of your new husband? PRINCE: I won’t do it mother.

QUEEN: Furgold, not when we have guests. Remember, it’s the best for everyone. PRINCE: I won’t marry her. I won’t. I love Golidlocks, and nothing any of you can do will ever change

that. MALICE: I wouldn’t be too sure Prince Furgold.

11

PRINCE: Sorry?

MALICE: I wouldn’t be too sure Prince Furgold. PRINCE: It’s nothing personal, but I’m in love with someone else you see and…

MALICE: (Unveiling herself) And? PRINCE: Who are you, you’re not Princess Pontefract. What’s going on here?

KING: I demand to know who you are young lady. How dare you come in here masquerading as the princess.

QUEEN: And ruin our plan, we will be poor forever now. KING: Who are you and what do you want?

MALICE: It’s very simple your highness. Give me your crown and none of you will be harmed. QUEEN: Are you threatening us?

MALICE: I suppose I am, yes. Hand over your crown and you can all go free. KING: Now look here.

MALICE: No, you look here King Henry. You have no money to offer me, so offer me your crown. KING: Never!

MALICE: Or your son gets it. And then he’ll never be able to marry Princess Pontefract, will he?

PRINCE: It’s a trick, it’s a trick. Don’t do it Dad. KING: Should I boys and girls?

MALICE: I’m waiting. I’ll give you five seconds. Five, four, three, two… QUEEN: I can’t bear this any longer

MALICE: Why that’s it. What a novel idea. Hmm. Thank you your highness. If you won’t give me the crown, then there’s only one thing left to do.

Princess Pontefract will get no kisses For you did not fulfil my wishes

With all my powers I do declare Turn each one into a bear

(Flash, Music, Effects etc)

MALICE: Run, run, run, l ittle bears. Before the hunter shoots you dead. Quickly run, you don’t want anyone to see you looking like that do you? Forgetting something?

(She takes the crown from where it has fallen on the floor in the transformation

and puts it on her head. Cackles. )

12

[Script Excerpt 4]

Act 2 Scene 1 – In The Forest

(Teddy Bear’s picnic music plays)

KING: Can’t we just stop for a while please? I think we’re far enough away now. No one ever ventures this deep into the forest.

QUEEN: Stop now, stop now! And where are we going to l ive? We may be bears…

KING: Thanks to you

QUEEN: Thanks to me? KING: If you hadn’t have said “I can’t bear this”, none of this would ever have

happened

QUEEN: If you had asserted yourself more and… PRINCE: Mum, Dad, can we just stop arguing for one minute please! We just need to accept that we

are bears. QUEEN: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept it.

KING: At least I can play with my food now, and growl and belch as much as I like. QUEEN: Oh Henry! That’s not an excuse for bad manners. Who would have thought it, one day

Queen, the next a bear. I bet they don’t even write such things in panto, it’s far too absurd, no one would ever believe it.

PRINCE: Well you’ve got to believe it Mum. KING: So what are we actually going to do now that we’re not ruling the kingdom. We can laze

around all day I suppose.

QUEEN: Next thing I know, you’ll be dancing around like a loon to Bear Necessities. KING: That’s an idea.

QUEEN: Don’t even think about it. What are we going to do. We’ll never survive, we don’t even have

a house.

KING: Bears don’t live in houses, dear. QUEEN: Well this one does. I may not look human, but I am under all this fur. You on the other hand

I’m not so sure. Seriously though, where are we going to l ive? PRINCE: We’ll have to make a house I suppose.

KING: I’ll call the royal architect, he can draw up some plans. QUEEN: You’re not the King anymore Henry. You are a bear.

13

KING: Hmm.

PRINCE: Come on, you clear away those twigs there, I’l l cut down some of these branches and we’ll make a shelter.

(They start to cobble together a shelter)

FAIRY: (Flash and freeze onstage) This just isn’t right. They’ll never survive the cold nights with that

thing, even if they are wearing their own built in duvet. No, they need a house, just as Queen Matilda said. There must be one around here somewhere. (She surveys the area) There’s

one. But there are people already living in it. What about this one? Nope, people there too. Aha – what’s this one? It looks pretty empty. No signs of life there, apart from some mould on an old coffee cup. It looks perfect. It’s quite far away though. Hmm, boys and girls, would

you help me to cast another spell? Will you? Great! Spizzle Sparkle Spozzle Spoo We’ll move that house from me to you

Spizzle Sparkle Spozzle Spee A brand new house for the bears, three (Flash)

Huh? Where is it? Oh no, don’t say it didn’t work. (She shakes her wand) Are you sure you’re awake? Perhaps not all of the boys and girls were helping with the spell. I think there were a few mums and dads not joining in too. Let’s try it one more time, and this time I want to see everyone joining in. Are you ready?

Spizzle Sparkle Spozzle Spoo We’ll move that house from me to you Spizzle Sparkle Spozzle Spee

A brand new house for the bears, three (Flash)

Hmm, well it’s here somewhere. It’s definitely worked. Being a fairy isn’t all that easy, see!

(She looks down and notices the bears in their frozen state) Oh dear I nearly forgot about them! They’ll never find their new home stuck in that position for the rest of eternity. (She waves her wand and they unfreeze). Greetings your majesties! (They look confused and look around) Up here!

BEARS: Woah! Who are you? KING: Have I been eating something I shouldn’t? As a bear, everything looks appetising.

FAIRY: My name is Fairy Fortune

QUEEN: You should be called Fairy Mis -Fortune, look at us. PRINCE: How did you know we were the royal family?

FAIRY: I know everything Prince Furgold, well apart from trigonometry, I never understood that. I know about that evil enchantress Malicious Malice stole into your castle and took the crown . I know how she turned you into bears and how you fled from the scene so that no -one would

find out, especially Goldilocks. PRINCE: Oh poor Goldie. She doesn’t know that her fiancé is a bear now.

QUEEN: Look here Miss Fairy. Can you change us back? We’d be very grateful. FAIRY: I’m afraid I can’t. Only enchantresses can change form. I am a fairy, we have different

powers.