GL09 sample

“A GOOD TRAVELLER HAS NO FIXED PLANS, AN

D IS NOT INTEN

T ON ARRIVING” LAO TZU |AUSTRALIA

|BURMA

|BOLIVIA|BOTSW

ANA|CHILE

|CHINA|GERM

ANY|ICELAND

|INDIA|ITALY

|JAPAN|KOREA

|USA|SOLOM

ON ISLANDS

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KARAOKETOKYO

text: aaron davis + justin jamieson

images: liesel cole + aaron davis

THIS NARROW STRING OF ISLANDS, 1/23RD the size of Australia but with more than sixtimes the population, is battered by nature

in almost every way: heavy snow in the 3,000-metre plus mountains; 15 per cent of the world’sactive volcanoes; an active fault line that producesone third of the world’s 4+ magnitude earth-quakes; a rainy season; and around 20 typhoonsannually. No wonder tsunami is a Japanese word.

I have no doubt nature’s volatility helps explainJapan’s ubiquitous gambling, hard drinking andbinge partying.

IN 24 HOURS

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get in the know! After a Sumo wrestler was involved in a serious car accident the Sumo Association banned its members from driving their own cars. ISSUE #09 get lost! #23

“Well, my friends, the time has cometo raise the roof and have some fun.Throw away the work to be done. Let the music play on.”All Night Long, Lionel Ritchie

I only have one night so I follow the lights. The Albatross bar supplies my first drink via a

friendly barman called Yuji. It’s packed, even thoughI’m sharing the bar with just six others. There’s anart gallery upstairs but I would have to dislodgeeveryone to get to it. Many other bars occupy thisstrip called ‘Piss Alley’ near Shinjuku station – theworld’s busiest. Each day, more than 2.5 millionpunters pass across a platform inside the rabbitwarren that was targeted by religious terroristAsahara Shoko with his sarin gas attack andArmageddon message. He will die this year, Yuji tells me. Ten years of silence means chargescan be pressed and penalties handed out.

japan

“Country road, take me home, to the place, I belong...”Country Road, John Denver

Darkness cloaks us as the train travels throughfields and past houses to brightly-lit buildings in a quiet and comfortable silence. In 1962, theShinkansen (bullet train) linked Kyoto and Tokyo at over 215 km p/h in time for the summerOlympics. It’s current speed is 333km p/h which,astoundingly, is set to almost double next year.

People sleep around me. They are gently shaken by kind strangers when we arrive at the trainterminal. I’m in the last carriage, which is ‘women’sonly’ during rush hour – a reaction to the ‘groping’problem that exists here. This wouldn’t work in thewest. Female friends (mine anyway) would bitch about their fellow carriage mates. ‘Do you thinkshe really needs to be in here? I mean, she is in no danger of a ‘touch up’ surely’. Yes, ouch.

“Relax said the night man, we are programmed to receive.You can check out any time you like,but you can never leave.”Hotel California, The Eagles

The large man behind the desk of the CapsuleHotel in the centre of town barely looks like hemoves. Without saying a word and moving nothingbut a chunky right index finger, he politely has mefilling in forms I can’t read a word of, nodding thatthe towel in my hand is sufficient for my needs. In truth, it wouldn’t cover my pet parrot’s testicles. I remove my shoes and lock them in the postboxbefore scurrying through the door marked sauna.

ARRIVAL CHECK IN HEAD OUT

Give a guy amicrophone and the same man who hastrouble getting out awedding speech neverwants to stop! ’’

’’

There are 5,000English songs in thesystem but the beers in me select this one.

’’

’’42PM 5 25

PM 7 28PM 8


#24 get lost! ISSUE #09 get in the know! Pachinko in Japan is widely regarded as having links to organised crime.

I take a long walk to a bar in Roppongi. I make iteven longer by going through Shibuya where partsof Lost in Translation were set. Lights, massive LCDscreens and flashing vending machines (yup, thatwould be a two-litre milk carton of sake I spy) pavethe way and provide more entertainment than anyiPod. I’m looking for Karaoke-Kan – the seven floorsof karaoke box rooms where Bill Murray sang RoxyMusic’s ‘More Than This’ in the film. I pass a theatrerestaurant. Its brochures show handcuffed patronswatching near-nude female wardens through prisonbars. The caesar salad in front of them looks good. I take a brochure.

Hollow Point shooting bar is everything I expect. A shot here is literally that. I produce a picture of aformer lover and blow her face out with an M93R

Auto 9. The target slowly returns on the winch alittle worse for wear. Akira and a colleague havecome with a photo of their old boss. He says theyhave to photocopy some more versions soon. After a good drink and shoot they like to sing – and drink some more.

My first karaoke song, but not my last, is ‘Africa’by Toto. I can’t recall why. There are 5,000 Englishsongs in the system but the beers in me select this one.

“It’s the eye of the tiger,It’s the thrill of the fight,Rising up to the challenge of our rival,”Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

They may have just started life as Sumo wrestlers,but these boys are huge. Around the National SumoStadium in Ryogoku are numerous beyas (stables)where a great time can be had watching some earlymorning training. The bullying of the smaller boys by older boys makes a few of them cry. It’s tough towatch – well removed from the relative safety andrespectful veneer of society outside.

The big boys arrive with different colouredloincloths and all the others take turns to be thrown

“Need a little time to wake up, need a little time to wake up, wake up...”Morning Glory, Oasis

Tsukiji Fish Market is its own town: 25,000workers, a library, a post office, restaurants andfamily stores that have sold knives to sushi chefsfor centuries. The sushi bars nearby have becometrendy places to end a night’s endeavours with theopposite sex: a few sweet nothings over $US40 oftuna and eel. My small but stylish – no sushi trainhere – 24-hour bar is full of young suits and olderpermed yakuza with Russian women who can’tspeak Japanese and don’t appear to like raw fish.

16AM 5 03

AM 8KEBAB TIME TRAINING

The big boys arrive with different colouredloincloths and all theothers take turns to bethrown around and intothe dirt floor.

’’

’’

HEAD OUT

japan


get in the know! Daisuke Inoue came up with the karaoke machine in 1971 but never bothered to patent it. ISSUE #09 get lost! #25

“We gonna rock down toElectric Avenue, and then we’ll take it higher.”Electric Avenue, Eddie Grant

The otaku (geek) culture in Akihabara is a bigdrawcard. Ten square blocks of electric stores are sprinkled with costume play restaurants, hairsalons and foot massage parlours. I just love theatmosphere. Am I a freak for enjoying watchingthe freaks? The maid restaurants pop up as youwalk the narrow streets. A young girl smiles andis dishearteningly kawaii (cute). Her outfit isWuthering Heights meets Evanesence. The coffee is very bad but that hardly matters to those whoput their hard-earned yen through the register.

“Even on my favourite tableHe can beat my best.His disciples lead him inAnd he just does the rest.He’s got crazy flipper fingersNever seen him fall...”Pinball Wizard, The Who

In the famous Ginza section of central Tokyothe Sony Building offers seven floors of Sony fun. I start at the top and work my way down trying to get on some of the latest riding, dancing,punching, shooting games. Seven-year-oldsthrash me at all but the dancing game which I rule for 20 minutes before a four-year-old girltakes my crown, as judged by the machine that’sfilming us. The digital camera on the way outweighs four grams, has one billion colours and isworth more than some countries’ GDP. I noisilywind on my disposable to get a shot of it.

around and onto the dirt floor. By the end of trainingit’s time to pray, bow and scream the beya motto.Everyone is wet with sweat and covered in sand. It could be a beach volleyball tournament. Themaster nods goodbye. For the past hour he has sat on a mat, read the sports pages of seven dailynewspapers and smoked six cigarettes. Tough gig.

16AM 10

36AM 11

MID-MORNINGCOFFEE

GAME ON


#40 get lost! ISSUE #09 get in the know! In Burma, tea is complimentary wherever you go to eat a meal.

Juliet Coombe awakens in an ancient Burmese temple and contemplates the mysteries of her host country.

splendidtext: juliet coombe

images: juliet coombe

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get in the know! The beauty cream Thanaka is also applied to the face of men but only at night. ISSUE #09 get lost! #41

isolation

burma


#42 get lost! ISSUE #09 get in the know! British author George Orwell’s novel Burmese Days was published in 1935.

ALMOST EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE IN BURMAseems designed to baffle, even down to the days of the week. There are eight in Burma,

including Wednesday afternoon. All women usethanaka, a bark-based yellow paste, in a variety of thicknesses and shapes on their faces, arms and legs. As a result, everyone looks consistentlyyounger than their age, with skin that is clear of acne, blemishes and wrinkles. Cut off from theoutside world due to years of political turmoil, theBurmese have developed their own way of doingthings. “This is Burma,” wrote Rudyard Kipling. “It will be quite unlike any land you know about.”Nowhere is this truer than Inle Lake, where catsbelonging to a group of Buddhist monks jumpthrough hoops, cabbages grow on water andfishermen row with one leg.

Nga Phe Cahung is a 200-year-old teakmonastery in the middle of this sacred lake. The rather jolly Buddhist monks welcome visitors to their humble home, which also houses somethirty fluffy cats. At the clap of a monk’s hands,the cats perform the most extraordinary tricks.They line up and wait patiently in turn for the

Inle Lake is where cats jump through hoops, cabbages

grow on water and fishermen row with one leg.

’’’’


get in the know! Burma is bordered by China, Laos, Thailand, Bangladesh and India. ISSUE #09 get lost! #43

monks to place a hoop the size of a side plate in the air. The monks count in turn, “1, 2, 3, jump”and the cats bounce on their hind legs, leap fourfeet in the air and, amazingly, clear the hoop.This unusual behaviour started three decadesago, when the cats’ mother insisted on playing with the old monk when he was meditating. To get his attention she would jump through his arms. The trick amused the monks so muchthat they trained the kittens to do the same.

As I travelled around Burma,I found many suchcrazy and sometimes sad examples of a countrywith its own set of rules. At the wave of a decree,the military government can uproot the localsand move a whole town in tourist spots likeBagan overnight, only to later deny anyone everlived in the area. Fortunately, moving ancientmonuments is a little trickier, particularly whenthere are 2,000 of them.

The citadel of Bagan was founded in the earlysecond century. But it wasn’t until 849 AD thatKing Pyinbya constructed the famous walled cityand its twelve gates. The best way to see Baganis at ground level, so I decided to hire a makeshift

wooden ox cart and driver for the day. I regrettedmy decision slightly when I discovered the oxbells clanged constantly as we bounced fromside to side over yet another bump in the road.

As my cart trundled along, I passed peoplecarrying religious offerings of flowers and moneytrees to the Swezigon, Tote Wit Taung, Lawknmndaand Tant Kyi Taung temples. Locals believe that if they can visit three of the four temples beforenoon, they will be willed a lifetime of good luck. As I passed the different temples in varying statesof preservation and disrepair, I lamented its latestcustodians are failing to take care of one of Asia’sgreatest wonders. Time has been a relentlessenemy of this bewitching city. After a bottom-buffing, hour-long ride, I was relieved when theoxen finally came to a standstill and I could climbonto the roof of one of the pagodas to enjoy thesunset turning the buildings from hues of goldenorange to crimson and red. Sitting cross-leggedwatching the sky evolve through this spectacularrainbow of colours, I could have stayed all night.

My guidebook suggested that the best time to see Bagan

burma


#96 get lost! ISSUE #09

AHOY MATEY!” I CRIED AS I BOARDED THEgood ship SS Unmentionable at FremantleHarbour. Three decks below, I found my

cabin between a cupboard and a fire door. I putmy bags on the linen-covered double shelves,then realised they were bunks. I flushed thetoilet, causing a pained shout from the nextcabin. There was little to do but to lay on thefloor in silence until the ship lurched violently.Opening my door I saw the green face of one ofmy fellow performers, a magician. “It’s alwaysrough leaving Freo!” he gagged and promptlydisappeared not to be seen for days

In the evening, I hit the stage for my first stand-up routine. A couple of passengers laughed butmany snored. This should not have been such a

surprise when the average passenger age was72. My dreams of shipboard romance were

shattered. The audience may have beenof an advanced age but my fellowperformers were a great bunch.Dancers, singers and animators (kind of hosts), they came from the UK,

France, Italy, Romania and even Brazil.“Shypsies” I called them, travelling the

world performing to all nations. They werecheerful and talented folk – quick with

a wit that inured them against life at sea.The rules onboard the ship bugged me.

I always try to run my own race and shipdiscipline caught me well short. Sure, the ship’s

master must have complete sovereignty at sea but the laws are made up for the amusement ofofficers. Daily edicts come and go like the weatherand it was impossible to keep abreast of them. Onenight, I was refused dinner for arriving one minutelate. I behaved badly, kicking and swearing (andalternately being polite to passengers) all the way back to my cabin. Using wine-skins, I beganfashioning my own escape craft only to answer aknock at the door to discover one of the shypsieswith food. In gratitude I even ate an orange.

After seven days on the water we reachedDarwin and I finally got ashore. If you want to see how Australians appear to other nationalitiesget a cab and pretend you don’t speak English.After heading in the wrong direction for a while, ourcab driver freaked when I asked in my broadestAussie accent if he was taking us to Darwin. He stammered something about peak hour butturned the meter off. And called me a smartarse. He started it. Darwin was boring but at least it was not the ship. My shipmates filled internetcafes and bought boomerangs and kangaroo pins while I sat in the mall playing my harmonica. A policewoman warned me about busking without a licence.

On Day 17, we sailed through a cyclonebetween Brisbane and Sydney. Some of thepassengers sang hymns. I now know the joy of hanging over the edge of a ship sea-sawingthrough a 15 degree symbiotic arc... or something.Two thirds of all on board remained below, underthe weather. Foolishly I leaned too far over the railand dropped something from my pocket. Sailinginto Sydney Harbour the next morning, I sorelymissed my harmonica.

The shypsies and the crew threw a party butmy own celebrations began five days later as weentered Port Phillip Bay. Tears formed as I spottedPortsea and I almost cried with relief as we tiedup at Station Pier, just down the road from myhouse. “Just here thanks captain,” says I. The Safety Officer threw me a baleful look but I laughed like a man leaving hell.

Hours later, I realised that disembarking takestwice as long as embarking. You require signaturesfrom everyone down to the ship’s cat to leave. I triedto launch my wine-skin raft but it stuck in mycabin doorway. The batteries of the bursar’scalculator died as he tallied the deductions for my bar bill. The penny dropped – I slipped him 50bucks and I was free. The magician reappearedand, as if by magic, we left together.

Earlier this year, comedian Brad Oakes signed on for a stintentertaining the passengers on a cruise around Australia. What had promised to be a relaxing working holiday became an ordeal that was no laughing matter.

get in the know! The world’s biggest cruise ship, the Finnish-built ‘Freedom of the Seas’, boasts an on-board surfing pool, a skating rink and a rock-climbing wall.

confessions

HELL ONTHEHIGHSEAS“

text: brad oakes

image: luke fraser

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