Humorous article written for now defunct social satire blog 'This Is Modern Living'

Gordon Ramsey's Robotic Abuse Drone

Otherwise known as smoke alarms by the less culinary impaired among us. This evil little device is designed to save our lives, and it does this very well indeed.

Unfortunately, if you are not currently in the process of being burned to a crisp, or have not figured out how to take away its evil side and let out its good, caring side, it will make your life a living hell. It will make death from smoke inhalation and life in the burns unit seem a welcome proposition. This is because when not saving your life, it has another function; Gordon Ramsey's robotic abuse drone that he sends into every household to verbally flagellate the bad cooks of the world.

One sniff of smoky barbeque flavoured chips/crisps, a tiny breath of seared bacon, or the delicate whiff of a charred muffin, and this thing will bring the house down. The cat runs panic-stricken out the door, the dog howls, the goldfish rolls over and floats belly up, and you have three sequential heart attacks. It is well and truly spare underpants time. Better go upstairs and clean yourself off and change. If you happen to live in an apartment building, then you might as well hand yourself over to the lynch mob. If Gordon's drone suspects you are even thinking about burnt toast, it will raise all holy hell, and the entire building will be evacuated.

“Who was it!?” The fireman snarls, once the panic settles down.

“Um, yes, sorry. It was me” you reply - if you're stupid.

The angry mob grows silent. Many pairs of red, sleep-deprived eyes swivel in your direction. The fireman then takes pity on you.

“Take this rope, make a noose, and hang it over a stout tree” he says "If we don't turn up, start without us."

Here's what you must do. Gordon's Drone is location sensitive. In order to transform it into its more benevolent function, that is, saving you from being fried, it has to be moved away from the source. In layman's terms, rip the thing off the roof before you take a baseball bat or a gun to it and stick it in a slightly removed location!

Sleep tight.