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Friendly Behaviours Prep to Year 6
Friendships
Playing gives lots of opportunity to solve social problems
Friendships develops their social and emotional intelligence
Learning positive friendship skills can help children socially so they feel happier and more
confident, thereby promoting mental health and wellbeing.
3 – 6 years• Egocentric• Play side to side
5 – 7 years• Still egocentric• Can be bossy• Beginning to notice
other’s needs• Beginning to learn
how to play fairly
Friendship Stages7 – 8 years• Friendships based on mutual shared interests• Reciprocal relationships develop• Playing more fairly – follows rules• Can form ‘groups’ but these can change• Normal for conflict to occur• Normal for day to day misunderstandings
8 – 9 years• Forming groups with similar interests• Friendships can change at this stage• Can be exclusive groups formed• Normal for conflict to occur• Can be heightened emotional reactions to normal
conflicts and misunderstandings
10 – 12 years• Friendships more settled – less emotional reactions• Sharing of secrets / personal information• More empathy• Able to resolve conflict more calmly / negotiate• More acceptance around differences
Conflict teaches kids:
• How to give and take
• How to come to an agreement
• How to compromise
• How to solve problems
• That people have different needs to their own
• How to understand others
• How to communicate needs in a respectful way
• To develop more empathy
• How to get along in a group
• How to develop successful, healthy & loving relationships as adults
Misunderstanding – usually problems around communication.
Disagreement – do not agree on something and both want their own way.
Conflict – people usually want to solve the problem. Can be over a period of time if not sorted properly.
Bullying – threatening, repetitive, targeted, deliberately wanting to harm, abusive, no attempt to resolve issue
Conflict, Misunderstanding, Disagreement or Bullying ?
Common styles
Giving in
Avoiding
Forcing
Compromising / Collaborating
Common styles
Giving inPeacemaker, tries to make others happy,
tries to prevent conflicts
(pattern - creates low confidence – more likely to be
bullied)
Jelly Fish
Common styles
Avoidingdistracting, avoiding conversation, leaving
relationshipsTimid Turtle
(pattern - creates low confidence – less developed social and emotional skills,
more anxiety)
Common styles
ForcingArgues, yells, physical aggression, threatens,
imposing own view(includes passive aggressive)
(pattern of aggression / ‘winning’ create bullies)
Loud Lion
Common styles
Compromising / Collaborating
Compromising, win/win, try to find ways so everyone
gets what they need fairly
Friendly Fox
Wise Owl
Ineffective Conflict Management
• Arguing
• Physical aggression
• Blaming others
• Withdrawal
• Manipulation of other friends
• Avoidance
• Always being a peacemaker – ignoring own needs
• Backing down
• “Someone is right and someone is wrong”
• “Someone wins and someone loses”
Passive
Aggressive
Effective Conflict Management
• Assertiveness
• Compromising
• Negotiating
• Using a problem solving approach
• Ability to talk/share feelings
• Ability to express needs without being demanding
• Understanding other’s perspective
• Flexibility
• Ability to take risks
• Understanding of social situations
• Knowing when to seek help
• View the conflict as a problem that needs to be solved
Assertive
Calm
Helpful attitudes
• Positive
• Enthusiastic
• Calm
• Easy going
• Accepting
• Trusting
Anxious parents
Anxious kids
Anxiety is catchy !
Responding as a parent
• Stay Calm
• Help to express how they are feeling using Reflective Listening
• Guide them to use words not actions
• Encourage them to say what they would like to happen
• Problem solve ways to make things ‘right’
Reflective Listening
• Reflect Emotion
• Reflect Content
• Discuss different ways to think about situation
• Then solve together
Emotions
‘Name it / Tame it’
– calms emotional part of the brain.
Teach Problem
Solving Skills
• Sort through possibilities together when faced with a problem
• Ask “what could you do?” “What would happen if you did this?...”
• Let them try out possibilities on their own first and give lots of emotional support
• Treat difficulties as though you are both trying to solve it together
• Discuss situations together by using reflective listening
Teach Problem
Solving Skills
Trial and Error !
Let them make lots of MISTAKES
Step back when mistakes are made. (only step in if you have to!)
Give chances to develop independence.
Let them make small decisions and larger ones as they grow.
Important friendship / play skills
Self Control – waiting for what they want, turn taking
Coping Skills – managing disappointment, disapproval, rejection – bouncing back
Empathy – responding to other’s feelings and needs, helping others
Flexibility – consider other ways of playing taking considering everyone
Communication – expressing themselves respectfully, good conversation skills
• Develop basic physical skills
• If under-confident in sport – Auskick / soccer
• Organising ‘play dates’
• Help with winning and losing games at home – make sure your child does not win all the time.
• Taking turns, following directions – lots of practice at home.
Skills For the Playground
• Teach calming strategies, stop – take a breath, take a break before reacting.
• Help children manage feelings and recognise when they feel upset.
• Teach – delaying gratification
• Encourage kids to negotiate and compromise when trying to solve problems
Skills For the Playground
• Coach children with conflicts - try not to take over
• Teach problem solving skills – sort through things together. Have relaxed conversations (no direct questioning)
• Model resilient behaviours and thinking – be a coach and role model. Stay calm.
Building skills at home
• Lots of time for informal play at home –don’t overschedule.
• Supervise play but don’t take over or micro-manage – need lots of opportunity to sort things out themselves
• If we take over it makes children feel like they are not capable.
Building skills at home
Bigger Picture• Reassure that conflict is common and
normal in life and can happen from time to time (it’s how we deal with it that matters!)
• Role model calm behaviour – stay calm
• When things go wrong / difficult - Great ‘teachable moments’
8 Types of Healthy Thinking
• Perspective Thinking means thinking it’s not the worst thing that could happen to me.
• I Can do this thinking means thinking while this is hard, I can still do it.
• Accepting Thinking means thinking that when I make mistakes or people don’t want me to be around, I know that I am not a loser or hopeless. I still have my good points.
• Fearless Thinking means thinking that it’s OK to make mistakes when learning new things.
• Independent Thinking it’s important to be myself and have a go at new things.
• Confident Thinking if I really put my mind to this I will be able to do it!
• Persistent Thinking we all have to work hard to achieve even though they may not like doing it.
• Tolerant Thinking things are hard / frustrating but I can stand it
• Catastrophic thinking this is the worst thing in the world
• Self-Downing thinking putting yourself down
• Perfectionistic thinking Needing to be perfect
• Needing approval Everyone must approve / like me
• Pessimistic I can’t do it
• Giving up I can’t be bothered
• Being intolerant of others people should behave as I want them or expect them to
• Low frustration thinking everything in life should be fun, comfortable and easy and I cannot stand frustration of any sort
8 Types of Unhelpful Thinking
Steps to solving problems / conflictUse reflective listening - Find out feelings and content
Make sure child feels heard (Keep your own emotions / anxiety separate)
Help child to consider the other person’s point of view / situation
Brainstorm different options to solve the problem
Try to solve problem together as though you are both trying to find solutions
(Try not to solve it for them unless safety is an issue)
Give child the space to try the solution/s out
Use reflective listening after child has tried out a solution & give positive praise for having a go at solving the problem
(Give more guidance if necessary but still use the problem solving approach and step in early if there are safety concerns)
✓I am tolerant of others✓I take interest in other people✓I listen to my friends✓I realise I can’t always have my own way✓I take turns in games✓I play fairly and by the rules✓I do not blow things out of proportion when bad things happen✓I don’t make things worse than they are✓I am aware of when I become upset so I can calm down✓I control my emotions even if I get frustrated/angry/worried/upset✓I try being assertive (not bossy)✓I have a go at solving a conflict or a problem even though I am anxious✓If I make a mistake with a friend I don’t get really down ✓I use positive and optimistic thinking ✓I try to figure out how to solve problems including conflict✓I seek support when I need it but try to have a go on my own first✓I let my friends know what I need (but I am not demanding)✓I forgive others and move on as quickly as I can✓I realise that conflict is a normal and natural part of growing up – it’s how I deal with it that really matters
Friendship Checklist for Kids !
Behaviour – the behaviour they are doing that shows resilience, confidence, getting along skills.
Specific – be very specific e.g. “I like the way you went up and spoke to that girl you did not know –that was really confident !”
Feedback – Verbally praise when you see it. You are giving feedback as a “resilience” coach and children need guidance and positive praise when they are on the right path !
Catch them in the act !
Give lots of BSF
• LOTS of independence
• Lots of free play!
• Allow for boredom
Rescuing our kids
Our role is to help our children COPE when things go wrong or are difficult –
not to rescue !
Common conflict styles
ForcingArgues, yells, physical aggression, threatens, imposing
own view
Giving inPeacemaker, tries to make others happy, tries to prevent
conflicts
Avoidingdistracting, avoiding conversation, leaving relationships
Compromising / CollaboratingCompromising, win/win, try to find ways so everyone gets
what they need fairly
• Goals / lack of shared goals
• Personality conflicts / clashes
• Competing over resources
• Different styles of thinking or communication
• Different perceptions
• Conflicting pressures
• Conflicting roles
• Values
Where does conflict come from?
Building skills at home
• Lots of informal play opportunities
• Regular relaxation techniques
• Regular flow time
• Increase fun exercise
Jelly Fish – GIVING IN
Peacemaker, tries to keep fights from happening, tries to make others happy
Timid Turtle – AVOIDING
Passive, withdraws, does not speak up, blames self
Loud Lion – FORCING
Aggressive, loud, bossy, dominating, considers only their point of view, blames others
Wise Owl – COMPROMISING / COLLABORATING
Knows when to seek help and when to try to solve it independently
Friendly Fox – COMPROMISING / COLLABORATING
Considers everyone's point of view, confident, self-protective,
self-aware
3 – 6 years• Egocentric• Play side to side
5 – 7 years• Still egocentric• Can be bossy• Beginning to notice
other’s needs• Beginning to learn
how to play fairly
Friendship Stages7 – 8 years• Friendships based on mutual shared interests• Reciprocal relationships develop• Playing more fairly – follows rules• Can form ‘groups’ but these can change• Normal for conflict to occur• Normal for day to day misunderstandings
8 – 9 years• Forming groups with similar interests• Friendships can change at this stage• Can be exclusive groups formed• Normal for conflict to occur• Can be heightened emotional reactions to normal
conflicts and misunderstandings
10 – 12 years• Friendships more settled – less emotional reactions• Sharing of secrets / personal information• More empathy• Able to resolve conflict more calmly / negotiate• More acceptance around differences
3 – 6 “It’s all about me !”• Still in ego-centric stage • Has very few feelings of like or dislike• Friend as partner in physical interaction• Friends are people to spend time with• Friendships easily formed and dissolved• Friends are someone who does something to please you• Plays well in partners• Approaches others to join in• Learns how to play fairly through play• Informs adults if someone if being unfair• Social world is reinforced through adult responses• Needs to win and be in charge
5 – 7 “Who am I, Who are you”• A friend is someone who does something that pleases them or meets their needs• Cares a lot about friendships and having friends• Can bargain “I won’t be your friend if you don’t play with me’• Friends help and look after you• Beginning to taking others’ feelings into account• Beginning to see others’ viewpoint• Start to play fair and follows the rules• Talks and shares interest• Social world is reinforced through adult responses• Needs to win and be in charge• Can be heightened emotional reactions to normal conflict & disagreements
Friendship Stages
7 – 10 “Let’s be friends”• Friendships based on mutual shared interests• Trust and responsiveness to other’s needs• Kindness important component of friendship• Reciprocal relationship with some idea of other person’s needs• Learns to appreciate another person’s point of view• Plays fair – follows the rules• Talks and shares interests• Talking and listening to each other• Forming groups with similar interests• Aware of social expectations• 8/9 years - Common to form small friendship groups based around similar
interests and established rules about who can join them.
10 – 12 “You are my friend”• Friends should trust each other• Shares secrets and hopes• Able to negotiate• Respects one another• Solid friendships beginning to form• Can form exclusive friendship groups• Friendships are more settled, less emotional reactions to normal conflict
Friendship Stages
