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A House of Care:
Equipping
pastoral
ministry in the
local church James Seager
A house of care: Equipping pastoral ministry in the local church
ISBN 9781980567677
Copyright © 2018. James Seager. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW
INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by
Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations marked (NKJV) are taken from the New King James
Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All
rights reserved.
About this book
This book is focussed on equipping people for caring and pastoral
ministry. It is suitable for:
• Every Christian who wants to discover more about their role in
caring for others;
• People involved in providing focussed pastoral ministry in a local
church, such as members of pastoral teams or small group
leaders;
• Those leading pastoral ministries, such as Pastors;
• Teachers and trainers who want a resource to equip people for
pastoral ministry.
In it you will learn the following:
• The importance of every Christian caring for each other
• The role of Pastors and members of a pastoral team
• Personal choices you need to take to be effective in pastoral
ministry
• How to build pastoral ministry into the life of a church
• Skills needed to provide effective pastoral care:
o Listening to people
o Teaching biblical principles in a one-to-one setting
o Leading people towards hope
o Flowing in the gifts of the Holy Spirit
o Watching over a group of people
Notes:
Terms such as ‘Pastor’ and ‘member of pastoral team’ are used regularly
in this book. In this context, these terms are interchangeable with any role
that involves a pastoral element. Much of the knowledge and skills
explored in this book applies across the whole range of pastoral ministry –
so whether you’re a small group leader, ministry leader with a pastoral
remit for those on your team, part of an ‘official’ pastoral team or leader
of a local church, you are considered to be a ‘Pastor’ or part of a ‘pastoral
team’ in this book. Don’t be put off by those terms – you can put your
name or role in that place!
This book is solely about pastoral / caring ministry. If you are a ‘Pastor’ or
leader in a local church you will have other areas of responsibility as well,
and other teaching / training books are available to help you in that. In
this book you will only learn about how to provide care and equip others
in pastoral / caring ministry.
In the skills section you will learn about the basic and general skills you
need to provide effective pastoral support: listening, teaching, leading,
using the gifts of the Holy Spirit and watching over a group of people. You
will learn how to apply these skills to a wide variety of pastoral situations.
However, this book does not cover specific pastoral issues in detail, such
as grief, debt, depression, relationship problems, etc. After completing
this book, you may want to look at other teaching / training to be better
equipped in these specific areas of pastoral ministry.
Contents Introduction: A ministry for all ..................................................................... 1
Introduction: Love at the Core ................................................................. 2
Chapter 1: Introducing the why, how and where of pastoral care .......... 5
Section 1: Living like the Good Shepherd ................................................... 12
Chapter 3: Live as a disciple ................................................................... 14
Section 2: Raising your pastoral skills ........................................................ 25
Chapter 6: Listen .................................................................................... 26
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Introduction: A
ministry for all 1 John 3:16 ‘This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his
life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and
sisters.’ (NIV)
Love at the core
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Introduction: Love at the Core
When gangster, Nicky Cruz, pulled a knife of Pastor David Wilkerson in
New York, David’s reply was this: you can cut me into a thousand pieces
and every piece would say Jesus loves you. At the core of Pastor David
was the love of Jesus.
At the core of God Himself is love: God is love. If you could cut Him into
1000 pieces each piece would cry out ‘I love you’.
At the core of Jesus is love: greater love has no one that this, to lay down
one’s life for one’s friends. (NIV, John 15:13) During his last breath he
declared love for the dying thief by promising him a place in paradise, and
he declared his love for his mother by providing her a new son in John.
At the core of Christian experience is love: ‘now these three remain, faith,
hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.’ (NIV, 1 Corinthians 1:13)
Love is what caused God to forgive us, bring us into His family and give us
the seal of the Holy Spirit. When He comes into our lives, it is, above all
else, His love that we experience.
At the core of Christian mission is love: ‘by this everyone will know that
you are my disciples, if you have love one for another.’ (NIV, John 13:35)
Our love for others is what reveals the love of God to the world. Those
who are not yet Christians can recognise and respond to the love of God
when it is shown by those who have personally experienced God’s love.
The ‘core’ of something is described as ‘The part that is central to its
existence or character’. The core reason that the Church exists is to go
Love at the core
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into all the world and preach the good news to everyone. That ‘good
news’ is this: ‘for God so loved the world that He gave His one and only
Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting
life.’ (NIV, John 3:16) The character of the Church is the same character of
Jesus – ‘attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ’.
(Ephesians 4:13) Therefore, our characteristic is love. Love is absolutely
central to our existence and character: love must be at our core. On a
personal basis and a church-wide basis, we should be able to say, ‘cut us
into a thousand pieces and every piece will cry out love.’
It is not only love that should form our core. Other things are also central
to the existence and character of Church and Christians: faith, the
presence of God, the power of the Holy Spirit, worship and sound
doctrine. Without these things, the Church and our personal Christian
experience becomes weak and ineffective; Great faith, powerful times in
the presence of God, awesome worship and inspiring preaching, without
love, creates weakness. ‘If I have faith… but do not have love, I am
nothing.’ (NIV, 1 Corinthians 13:2) Again, love is not the only part of the
core, but it must be part of the core.
If love is at the core of the Church and our personal Christian experience,
then its’ impact should be felt through everything we do. It is not one of
the things we do, it should be part of everything. In the same way that
worship should permeate every part of our life, families, ministries and
work, so should love. The ultimate vision of pastoral ministry is not to see
churches that do acts of love, but churches where love flows through
every part of the vision, mission, worship and activity of the church.
Love at the core
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There are a million excellent reasons for having a pastoral team in
churches. But, one of those reasons should never be to delegate the ‘love’
or ‘care’ bit of what any local church does to a set group of people.
Everyone is called to love and care. ‘Love one another as I have loved
you.’ (NIV, John 13:34) ‘Carry each other’s burdens.’ (NIV, Galatians 6:2)
‘Do good to all people, especially those who belong to the family of
believers.’ (NIV, Galatians 6:10) Pastoral care, which will be defined
shortly, should be received and given by every person in the Kingdom of
God. The Church is the caring team for the world. The whole of your local
church is God’s pastoral team for those who are part of your worshipping
community, and those who are part of your wider community. We are in
this together; loving together, caring together. Every Christian and every
local church should have love running through their core. All of us should
be taking our place in God’s plan to show His love to each other and the
world.
Questions:
Give some practical examples of where love has been shown in your
church? Have you been able to show love in a practical way to someone
else?
Have you been the recipient of good pastoral care? What did that care
look like?
Why, where & how
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Chapter 1: Introducing the why, how and where of
pastoral care
It’s great when God uses people to do the spectacular – lead people to
Jesus, preach a powerful sermon, pray and see the sick healed and the
dead rise. That’s great. We should all look for that. But the reality is that
most people won’t personally lead hundreds to Jesus or pray for
thousands to be healed. Most people we will just get on doing life the way
God wants us to do life. They will simply get up each morning and choose
to grow in their discipleship, grow in their worship and grow in their
relationship with God and with others. We should all look for God to use
us in the spectacular, but most us will not won’t experience that very
often. That can lead to a mind-set where we believe that God doesn’t use
people in everyday life as much as he uses those who regularly lead
people to Jesus and see people healed.
However, God works just as much through consistent, genuine care
among Christians as He does through miracles, signs and wonder. Real
pastoral care is often not spectacular. It usually happens under the radar.
But, consistent love and care for each other, in the Kingdom of God is
hugely powerful. This is highlighted very clearly in Isaiah 61:1-2 ‘The Spirit
of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to
proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-
hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness
for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’S favour and the day of
vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn.’ (NIV) Jesus came to
What, where & how
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bring comfort and the miraculous; to bind the wounds and heal the sick.
The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead has now been given to us.
The Holy Spirit anointing, for us today, is as much for comforting the
bereaved, binding the broken-hearted and leading people to a place of
freedom, as it is for healing and raising the dead.
In our churches and communities there are people who are broken-
hearted, bound in dark circumstances and mourning. They don’t always
need signs of powerful miracles, they need the wonder of another person
meeting them in their point of need. They don’t necessarily need a 3-point
prophetic word on deliverance, they need Holy Spirit inspired words of
comfort and peace. Whilst we should always look for the miraculous in
our everyday Christian life and ministry (more on this in the chapter on
‘flowing in the gifts of the Holy Spirit’) we should not diminish the power
of simple, consistent care for those who are in need. Caring is just as
much a demonstration of the Kingdom of God as the spectacular miracles.
Question:
Do you agree with the statement that ‘Caring is just as much a
demonstration of the Kingdom of God as the spectacular miracles.’?
Explain your view.
Why is caring for each other so important?
We live in a very ‘me’ focussed world. All too often we live in a ‘me’
focussed version of Christianity. Where it’s all about what God can do for
me, how the church can help with my needs, getting my weekly fix of
worship experience. It is very easy to make ‘you’ the most important
Why, where & how
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person in your journey of faith. Yet God is quite clear: 1 John 3:16 ‘lay
down your life for the brothers and sisters’. (NIV) Caring for others is more
important that having my personal needs met. Why?
• It is the way we serve God. Have you ever thought about how people
serve God? They worship and pray. But how do people serve God
when they are working or in their family or at school? We serve Him
by serving others. Matthew 25:31-40. ‘Whatever you did for these,
you did for me’. (NIV) Please get out of your head a separation
between serving God and serving people. Caring for each other is one
of the most significant ways we serve God.
• It gives life a godly purpose. Does God care for you? Were you made
in the image of God? Yes. That means that God’s caring nature is in
you. Therefore, when we care, we are engaging in God’s purpose for
our lives. It taps into the very heart of who God made us to be. When
we are engaged in God’s purpose for our lives then that gives us an
amazing sense of fulfilment. Caring is what God made you for!
• It is the way we demonstrate Jesus to the world. John 13:35 ‘By this
all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one
another.’ (NIV) Jesus links care with evangelism. Pastoral ministry is
often separated from mission – we care for each other in the church
and we do mission in the world. Really, it is inherently linked. The care
for each other is one of the most powerful witnesses to the world –
we just need to let it out! And, how can we genuinely care for those
outside the Kingdom of God if we can’t first care for those inside? God
uses the care of the church to demonstrate His love to the world. In
What, where & how
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Acts 2:42-47 we don’t read about big evangelistic services in the early
church. We read that they met together, the apostles performed
miracles, the congregations had everything in common – and God
added to their number daily. Add consistent great pastoral care to
spectacular miracles, with a willingness to go and you have a
tremendously powerful movement of mission. By loving each other
we demonstrate Jesus to the world.
How should we care for each other?
• Up close. There is a difference in caring about someone and caring for
someone. Caring about someone is like this: imagine you’re on safari
– the Serengeti in Africa – and on a trip out you notice a lion that has
been hurt. He’s lying by the side of the road, whimpering and
bleeding. When he sees you coming he gathers all his strength and
crawls towards you, looking through his big brown eyes. You could
almost hear his thoughts ‘help me!’. Your heart would go out to that
poor lion. You would feel sorry for it. You may hope that he gets well
and survives. But, unless you are highly trained or a complete fool,
there’s no way you would get close enough to care for the lion. The
Priest and Levite on the way to Jericho from Jerusalem looked down
at a man who had been robbed and beaten, lying on the road. They
may have felt pity, they may have cared about him. But it was the
Samaritan who was prepared to get close enough to care for him.
How should we care for each other? By getting close. That means
building relationships.
Why, where & how
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• Sacrificially. ‘Lay down your life for the brothers and sisters’. That
means giving up something of yourself. What is the most precious
thing that everyone has? Time. Our lives are made up of minutes,
hours, days and years. The thing about time is that we can never get
back what we give away – that’s why it’s so important. If you give
someone your time, you are giving them a part of your life that you
can never get back. It is the most sacrificial thing you can give. We
may not have much money to spend on caring for each other. We
might not have many skills that we can use to care for each other. But
every Christian has time. And, what helps people the most is not
words, money or skills – what people appreciate most is spending
time with them.
What are the opportunities to care for each other?
Very often it is not a lack of desire to care that holds us back but knowing
the opportunity. There are opportunities around us all the time – we just
need to notice them. Every person will have their own opportunities –
with their family, work or social connections. And there are natural
opportunities to care for people in the church. Below are two
opportunities that could be taken by any Christian to care:
1) Do mission with others. This is more about being in a mission than
going on a mission trip or taking part in an evangelistic outreach.
Being in a mission means serving and outreaching where you are. That
will be different for different people, but everyone’s mission contains
one common element. Part of your mission is to help the person next
to you in fulfilling their mission. Everyone’s mission is intertwined in
What, where & how
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the mission of God to the world. Each of us are called to reach people
for Jesus in our own areas of influence – our families, friends, work,
school, community. Everyone has a personal mission from God, but
they are also called to doing mission together. Recognising that gives
great opportunity to encourage, strengthen and support each other.
Remember that fulfilling God’s plan for your life will always involve
helping others fulfil God’s plan for their lives. Getting alongside others
as they engage in their mission, and doing mission together is a great
opportunity to provide pastoral ministry.
2) Small Groups. Another very practical way you discover opportunities
to care is Small Groups. Lots of churches have an organised small
group ministry. Some groups may be ministry focussed teams – like a
Children’s work team. Others are much more focussed on Bible Study
and prayer. Even if your church doesn’t have an official Small Group
ministry, you will have a circle of friends in the church that you
connect with. By their nature, these groups are built around
relationships. When you’re in a small group you naturally build
connections with each other. Out of those connections come
opportunities to care. It is great when members of a Small Group will
visit their members when they are in hospital or make them a meal
when they’ve had a fall or give a gift. None of that needs to be
organised centrally by the church – it just happens spontaneously
because people know each other and take the opportunities to care
when they arise. Small Groups, informal or official, help people to get
plugged into communities that will love and support each other. Being
part of a Small Group enables you to make a real difference to the
Why, where & how
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lives of others. It’s not the only way of caring for each other, but it’s a
great opportunity!
Challenged to care
When you know that you should care for others as your service to God,
commit to sacrificially supporting others and recognise the opportunities
around you, then you should be inspired to care. Therefore, the challenge
that comes out of this book is not ‘will you care for people’, but how will
you use the opportunities that you come across to care for each other. It’s
not about a willingness – people can easily say ‘I will care for others when
they cross my path’. It is about being intentional, where you say, ‘I will
build relationships so that I have the opportunity to care.’
Questions:
What effect should it have when people understand that God’s caring
nature is in them?
How much time can you give to caring for others?
What are your current opportunities to support people? Are you using
those opportunities?
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Section 1: Living like
the Good Shepherd
An obvious, but very important thing to remember, when thinking about
developing pastoral ministry in the church is this: any ministry needs
ministers, and ministers are people. Everything that God does in the world
and Church, He does through people (well, nearly everything!). Pastoral
work needs people. Without people focussed on caring and equipping
others to care, there would be no-one to provide love, care and pastoral
support in churches. Therefore, the foundation of an effective pastoral
ministry in the church is pastoral people who are equipped and
empowered by the Holy Spirit.
At the heart of developing as a Pastor or member of a pastoral team is
this: becoming more like Jesus, the Good Shepherd. The more we choose
to live like Him, the more we can love and care for people in the same way
that He did. The knock-on effect of that is that people will then be
equipped to care for each other. Therefore, this section is all about how
members of pastoral teams can live like Jesus. What follows is very
personal and can be very challenging. There are many who would like to
skip over this and head straight into the later chapters that deal with
pastoral skills. But don’t! Having the right skills without the right
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foundation makes a very fragile building! Making the right choices, on a
personal level, will build great strength into your ministry, and into the
pastoral culture of your church.
Disciple
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Chapter 3: Live as a disciple
Question:
What words or phrases would best describe Jesus? Think about His
power as well as His character.
What is discipleship?
Matthew 10:24-25 tells us that students should aim to be like their
teachers. (The word ‘student’ here is the same Greek word used for
‘disciple’ in other places in the gospels.) Therefore, whatever you were
thinking Jesus is like – that is what a disciple should be like. Do you find
that a challenge?
The reality is that the vast majority of Christians will never become fully
like Jesus in their life-time. You will know that God has already made you
holy and you are, right now, the righteousness of God. Yet, turning the
inward reality into an outward reality that consistently shows a true
likeness of Jesus is something that rarely, if ever, happens. It often seems
that Jesus is asking us to strive for the unobtainable. For that reason,
many simply choose to ‘do the best they can’. They attend church,
worship, pray, do good things for others when they can, avoid bad
language and immorality and so on. But that lowers the bar. Such a
mindset makes ‘our best’ the benchmark of discipleship, rather than the
life of Jesus. God is not particularly interested in how good people can be,
He’s interested in how much like Jesus they want to become.
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Question:
Think about the statements you made about Jesus. How much you are
like Him? List 3 areas that you will work on to become more like Jesus
Showing the way of discipleship
As we saw in Chapter 2, Pastoring, at its’ heart is about leading people to
become more like Jesus: to grow in maturity and unity until we ‘attain to
the whole measure of the fullness of Christ’ (Ephesians 4:14). To help
people take a journey towards becoming like Jesus, Pastors must also be
on that journey. Note that God doesn’t expect us to have already become
like Jesus to lead people toward Christ-likeness. Ephesians 4:13 tells us
that God wants pastoral ministry to happen in the Church ‘until’ we come
to the place of maturity in Jesus. That word until shows us that we are not
there yet; we are on a journey together. Leaders in the church, including
Pastors, are part of that journey. They are not at the destination calling
people to join them. Instead, they are walking with, alongside, probably a
little bit, but not too far ahead. The point is that they are not just telling
others the way to becoming like Jesus, they too are on the journey of
discipleship. Pastors do not give directions, they show people the way!
Therefore, part of a Pastors life-goal is this: I am going to become more
like Jesus. It’s not about just doing your best and it’s not about already
being fully like Jesus. It is a choice to become more like Him.
Discipline
Discipleship requires discipline – notice the similarities in the two words!
Discipline could be described like this: choosing to ignore short-term
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wants that we might receive long-term success. For example, athletes
choose training over leisure so that they might win.
Pastors want others to be successful in faith and life; having favour with
God and man. A disciplined life of discipleship will show people how they
can move into that place of favour. Just look at the examples of Noah,
Abraham, Moses, David, Ruth and Daniel.
From God’s perspective, the discipline of a Christian should be motived by
love for Him. He does not want people to see Him as a God who is waiting
to punish those who disobey, but as a God who lavishes favour on those
who love Him. We should choose to discipline our lives because of love,
not terror. Matthew 22:37 lists three areas that we need to be disciplined
in because of our love for God.
• Love God with all your heart. The heart speaks of desires: Psalm 37:4
‘Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your
heart.’ (NIV) The heart is often described as the centre of our
emotions. But this is not about emotions – this is about desires, and
there is a difference. Emotions sometimes just happen to us, and
there is little we can do to stop them invading our hearts: we are
subject to feelings of love, depression, anger, joy and so on. However,
desires are deliberate choices. In your heart, you choose what you
really want. Pastors, choose your desires carefully. Be disciplined
about what you set your heart on.
If you want to lead people to a place of success, then make sure your
heart is set on the things that will bring real success. Ultimately that
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means setting your desires on what God desires, and setting your
heart on becoming more like Jesus.
• Love God with all your soul. The soul speaks of feelings. As we’ve just
seen, there will always be those random feelings that enter our
emotional space, which we can do nothing about. However, our
desires will also provoke feelings. When we set our heart on a certain
cause it will stir up emotions in us. For example, if our heart is set on
justice for the poor then anger will arise when we see people being
taken advantage of. Or, when we set our heart on God then feelings
of love towards Him will rise up. (The book of Song of Solomon is all
about the emotional feelings between God and His people!)
Being disciplined in our soul is about choosing which emotions to
focus on: the ones that just invade our lives, or the ones that are
stirred up by our desires for God. Focusing on the right feelings and
ignoring the wrong ones helps us to lead others in the right way,
especially when they are experiencing conflicting emotions.
• Love God with all your mind. The mind is where decisions are made
about what you will do. Understand this: it is your will, not your soul
(emotions) that chooses your behaviour. People often blame their
feelings for the wrong choices that they make. But disciplined
disciples take responsibility for their actions. They understand that
being angry does not excuse us from speaking nasty words, or that
erotic emotions excuse immortal behaviour. Ultimately, it is our minds
that make our choices.
Leading people in a way that helps them make wise choices, firstly
requires Pastors to be making wise choices. Choose to love God, even
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if you don’t feel love. Choose to follow God, even when it’s hard.
Choose to obey God, even when it is sacrificial.
Notice how being disciplined in one area (heart, soul and mind) helps with
our discipline in the next. By have good control over our desires, we
strengthen our feelings for those things we desire. Then, by having strong
discipline over our feelings, we strengthen our will to act according to our
deep desires, not the invading emotions that enter our lives. Where does
the chain start? In the heart. Therefore, the core of discipleship, and the
core of pastoral ministry is disciplining our desires.
Pastors, make sure your personal desires are good. Long for God. Crave
the things of the Spirit. Eagerly desire spiritual gifts. Have a heart to serve,
love and support. It is out of that heart that strong pastoral ministry will
flow. Matthew 12:35 ‘A good man out of the good treasure of his heart
brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings
forth evil things.’ (NKJV) If our hearts are set on the right desires then we
obey the commands, and then we become like Christ.
Activity:
Think about a time when you have behaved in a ‘not-so-good’ way. Then
consider the feelings and desires that led up to that action.
Are there any repetitive bad behaviours in your life? If so, think about
what desire is at the root of that behaviour. If you can’t work it out, pray
about it and ask God to show you.
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Developing good desires
In a world, where the media and advertising are constantly trying to
provoke many different desires in us, how can we develop good, godly
desires? How can we guard our hearts in such a way that we will only
desire what is pure, wholesome and beneficial for ourselves and those we
care for? There are three things every person in pastoral ministry should
do to develop great desires:
• Grow in personal faith
• Hear Gods call
• Get support from others
These are explored below.
Grow your personal faith.
Jesus had many frustrations during His ministry. There were the religious
leaders who twisted God’s law. There were the market traders in the
Temple who made a profit from worship. Then there were the twelve
disciples, who continually struggled with their faith. You can almost hear
the exasperation in Jesus voice with His disciples when they couldn’t cast
out a demon from a boy: ‘You faithless and corrupt people! How long
must I be with you? How long must I put up with you? Bring the boy here
to me.’ (Matthew 17:17, NIV). Jesus was blunt and direct. He told the
disciples very clearly just a few verses later that they couldn’t cast it out
because of they didn’t have enough faith. But then, as a powerful example
of pastoral leadership, He encourages them to grow in their faith. All they
needed was faith as small as a ‘mustard seed’. And, from another parable
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of Jesus, we know that a tiny mustard seed grows into one of the largest
large shrubs.
Small faith can grow. Your faith can grow. How? By desiring what is not
yet seen. Hebrews 11:1 says ‘Faith is the confidence that what we hope
for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.’
(NIV) Faith grows when our assurance becomes more certain that things
will happen that haven’t yet happened. That assurance and certainty
grows through taking in the Word of God, the Bible. Romans 10:17 ‘So
then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.’ (NKJV).
There are times in our journey of life and discipleship where we need
something to happen that we can’t yet see. Everyone goes through a
tunnel at times where they really can’t see light at the end. Faith is a
certain assurance that the light is there even when we are still in total
darkness. By growing a faith that knows that the darkness will end and we
will step into the light gives us a desire to just keep going. The desire to
keep travelling despite darkness, pain, depression, debt or broken
relationships is one of the greatest acts of faith you will make. And, having
that type of faith gives Pastors an enormous credibility when they walk
with others through their dark times. Develop a personal faith that
believes for that which is not yet seen and allow that faith to give you a
desire to continue.
Hearing the call of God.
In John 10:4 we read that the sheep know the voice of the shepherd. In
other words, we need to desire to hear the voice of Jesus. And not only
know the voice, but also to follow the voice. When Jesus calls His sheep,
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He is revealing to them the desires of God for their lives. He calls them
into new pastures. His voice directs them along rocky paths. His word
takes them into new territory and new adventures. Therefore, if we want
to desire what God desires then we need to be regularly hearing and
acting on what Jesus says to us.
Hearing the voice of Jesus can happen in a variety of ways. We can’t go
into the details here about all the ways God speaks, but it is important to
know some basics so that we can develop a sensitivity to what He is
saying to us. Firstly, Jesus calls us through the Bible. The desires of God for
every man, woman and child are written down. He calls us to love, joy and
peace. He calls us to care for the poor and heal the sick. He calls us to live
righteously and stand for truth and justice. There is no ambiguity in this.
What is written is there for us to follow. It is the voice of Jesus to every
generation, culture and nationality. And, learning to hear Jesus through
the Bible is a great place to start when developing a sensitivity to His call.
But Jesus also talks to us direct. He calls us through the prophetic gift that
He has placed in the church. This is where another person may tell us
something that God wants us to hear. He calls us through our inner
convictions. Perhaps we feel very strongly about the area of justice,
mission or ministry. He speaks direct to our spirit, where we just know for
certain that God has said something to us. Jesus speaks to us through
circumstances. Perhaps a situation comes about that points your life in a
new direction. The list of the ways Jesus speaks could go on and on! It is
important to know more about this than can be covered here. Why not
read another book about hearing God’s voice?
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However, the key is not just to hear. It is one thing to listen to the desires
that God has for you, it is another to make them your desires. What God
says, and where Jesus calls you, may be hugely challenging. The call to
deal with addictions, or to forgive, or to grow in commitment can be
tough. He calls some people to leave jobs, homes or friends. He calls
others to remain in their job despite having a difficult boss! But when we
have developed a strong faith and have learned to recognise the voice of
the Good Shepherd we have a confidence in where He calls us. That gives
us an assurance that God only wants the best, and therefore His desires
are worth making our desires.
A common reason people need focussed pastoral support is because they
have not heard what God is saying to them, or they have not had the
confidence to act on the call of Jesus. If people live according to the Word
of God then they build strength, maturity and unity. If they don’t, they can
quickly become weak and alone.
In people’s struggles, one of the things that will help them hear and obey
the call of Christ is a great role model: someone who knows what the
voice of Jesus sounds like and has the courage to follow and has
experienced the blessing of surrendering to the desires of Jesus.
Therefore, great Pastors are those who learn to hear what Jesus wants for
their lives and then make His desires their desire.
Support from others.
God did not intend for us to develop our faith and to listen to Him in
isolation. When making sure our desires match God’s desires, the support
of others in essential. Left by ourselves, the desires that God has for our
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lives can fade or become distorted. Having people around us who can
provide support and accountability helps us to stay on track. This is why
God put us in a family – the church. In that family there should be mutual
support and accountability.
One thing Pastors often struggle with is accepting that support. We like to
give but are uncomfortable about receiving. Yet, the only way that our
desires will remain healthy is for us to be as open to being ministered to
as much as ministering. We all need to be in a community of Christians
who have the best interest of each other at heart. In that community we
can each receive encouragement when we feel like giving up. We can
receive wisdom that we did not see ourselves. We can receive practical
help.
Pastoral work, done outside of a supportive community, can be a
particularly draining ministry. If we try to carry the burdens of others,
whilst having no one to help us carry our burden we get burned out.
When burn-out happens, it opens the door to all sorts of unhealthy
desires. A drained spirit is much more vulnerable to temptation. A
weakened mind is much more open to cynicism, rebellion and
discouragement. All too often, Pastors who carry others whilst having no
one to help carry their load, crash out of ministry with devastating
consequences. That is not what God intended. We are all called to bear
each other burdens. And the only way that can happen is when we are all
living in supportive relationships.
This does not mean that everyone needs to know everyone else’s business
in church! We all need to be trustworthy with the secret struggles that
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others entrust to us. However, we should recognise that we have our own
struggles, whilst at the same time being called to support others in their
struggles. Receiving support with the struggles we face gives us the
capacity to support others in the struggles they face. This is why it is
important to have a good support network of trusted friends with whom
we can share own struggles and, where appropriate, ask for advice about
difficult pastoral situations.
When we have the support of others then we are strengthened. In that
strength we avoid burn-out, are able to provide support and keep our
desires on track with what God wants for our lives.
Having good desires is essential in our journey of discipleship and
developing as a Pastor. To help others make the right choices and develop
healthy emotions, we need the right desires. Keep growing in your faith,
keep hearing the call of Jesus and keep yourself supported by others.
Activity:
List one practical thing you can do that will help you in each of the areas
of developing good desires: growing in your personal faith, hearing the
voice of God and receiving support from others.
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Section 2: Raising your
pastoral skills In the chapter on ‘choosing to grow’, we saw that to be great Pastors we
need to develop our skills and competence. Through this section you will
discover some of the skills that will make your pastoral ministry effective:
listening, teaching, leading, using the gifts of the Holy Spirit and watching
over a group of people. You will learn how to apply these skills to a wide
variety of pastoral situations.
[Note that this book does not cover specific pastoral issues in detail, such
as grief, debt, depression, relationship problems, etc. After completing
this book, you may want to look at other teaching / training to be better
equipped in these specific areas of pastoral ministry.]
Remember that these skills are what we do as Pastors. But the ‘doing’
should never overtake the ‘being’. It is impossible to over-estimate how
important this is. You could master all the pastoral skills there are, but if
you are not a great example of discipleship, you will still struggle to help
people grow in their maturity and unity. Firstly, we are those who imitate
Christ; secondly, we need to develop skills to help others imitate Christ.
Firstly, we are people who are maturing in faith and unity; secondly, we
use a wide range of skills to help others mature in the faith and unity.
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Chapter 6: Listen
Proverbs 18:13 ‘To answer before listening - that is folly and shame.’ (NIV)
Yet, so many people in pastoral ministry do exactly that. They formulate
answers to people’s problems and issues before really listening to what is
being said. The result is often clichés or standardised Christian answers
that might soothe the pain, but rarely get to the heart of the issue.
There is often more going on than meets the eye. The couple who
constantly fight may have issues of trust, the young man struggling with
sexual temptation may have issues of rejection, the person in debt may
have issues around compulsive behaviour, the elderly person in a spiral of
grief may be afraid of loneliness. To provide advice on anger
management, boundaries in relationships, stewardship or depression,
may help superficially. However, if we want to see real growth in people
we must get to the heart-issues of trust, dealing with disappointment,
addiction and fear. Remember: pastoral ministry is not just about soothing
people’s hurt, it is about supporting them as they grow in unity and
maturity through their pain.
Helping people to deal with the deeper issues requires time and patience.
It requires space for people to share. Above all, it requires security. People
need to feel safe in what they share. They need to know that what they
say will be taken seriously and sensitively. They need the confidence that
their secrets will be treated with respect. That seriousness, sensitivity and
respect is shown when people listen – not just hear, but seriously listen to
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what is being shared. In this chapter, we explore the skill of really
listening.
Assumptions
Exercise:
Think about the two images below. What are your initial reactions?
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Great listening starts the first moment people meet. Before any words are
spoken, our brains start to make assessments and judgements. It’s called
first impressions. How is the person dressed? What do they smell like? Are
they standing straight of stooping? Are the carrying a baby? How old are
they? Immediately we begin to work out what this person is like. That
assessment then becomes a filter through which we hear their words.
The same words can mean very different things depending on the
assumption we make about the person speaking. For example, a young
single mum on benefits who says ‘I am struggling for money’ may be
taken to mean something very different than a twenty-year old business
entrepreneur saying the same thing. We make assumptions about what
people mean, based on what we see. However, our first impressions can
be very misleading.
Your senses can create false assumptions, and if these assumptions are
adopted before you begin to listen then it will alter how you hear the
words that are being said. Therefore, one of the first keys of great
listening is to assume nothing. That may create conflict in your thinking.
One part of your head will be trying to work out things about the person
who is speaking to you, whilst the other is trying to dismiss those
assumptions. Make sure assumptions don’t get embedded into your
thinking. That way you will be freer to take what is being said in the way it
is meant and be able to form a proper view of the genuine needs rather
than what you assume to be the needs.
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Empathy
Hebrews 4:15 ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to
empathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted
in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.’ (NIV) Jesus empathises
with us. This does not mean ‘feeling sorry for’ – that is sympathy. Jesus
didn’t just sympathise for us, He felt what we feel. He felt our pain, our
weaknesses, our temptations – He even felt our sin. As we are called to be
like Jesus, then we are also called to empathise with others, just as Christ
empathises with us. We are not called to sympathy, but to feel with other
people in what they are going through.
Empathy is often described as ‘putting yourself in the other persons’
shoes’. That is a good way of looking at it. Just as Christ became one of us,
so He could feel what it is like to experience our pain, so we should think
how others feel in their time of difficulties. God has given us the great
ability to imagine; and imagining how people feel is a powerful pastoral
tool. Why? Because it causes us to start from a place of grace, rather than
judgement.
It is easy to pass judgement when supporting people with pastoral needs.
If they are struggling with sin, we can quickly point out the wrong things in
their lives and challenge them to repentance. If they are struggling with
depression we can quickly point them to verses in the Bible that talk of joy
and hope and challenge them to stop being depressed. Both of those
actions have their place, but challenge without empathy comes across as
condemnation. Someone in the middle of suffering is likely to hear: ‘your
experience is wrong, so put it right’. However, when we choose to
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understand what people feel, and imagine those feelings for ourselves, it
helps us to support others in the way we would like to be supported –
with an emphasis on grace rather than judgement. (See Matthew 7:21.)
When we show empathy, it shows we accept their feelings as genuine. It
does not necessarily mean that we think they are feeling or thinking the
right things. But it does show that we recognise that their feelings are
genuine. That creates trust. If pastoral ministers can show someone in
need that they appreciate the pain and internal struggle that they are
going through it leads to an openness to share. To be dismissive of
people’s feelings, creates distrust and blocks communication.
A warning about empathy: people feel and respond differently to
different things. What you would feel about a dog dying may be very
different to another person. What you would feel about losing a job may
be very different to how someone else would feel. That is why it is
important to try and feel what the other person is feeling in their
situation, and not feel how you would feel in their situation.
So, how can we develop empathy? Firstly, and simply ask people the
question ‘How are you feeling about your situation?’ If they are struggling
to put it into words, perhaps ask them if they feel depressed, angry,
frustrated, etc. Then accept what they say. And try to feel their feelings. If
they feel angry with God, then sense their anger. If they are depressed
about their marriage situation then sense their depression. Try to
understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. It can
also be helpful to reflect back to people their feelings to show you have
understood. Saying things like ‘I recognise your frustration with your boss
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and understand why you feel like that’ can really put people at ease. You
have shown that you understand and accept their feelings as genuine.
Again, this doesn’t mean you agree with the way they are feeling or how
they are handling situations, but you are showing that you can feel what
they are feeling.
That empathy encourages people to share more, enables you to
understand more clearly what they are saying and helps you to respond
graciously to their needs.
Activity:
Describe how someone might feel in the following situations:
• Their child has been expelled from school.
• They has been overlooked for a promotion at work.
• Their home has been burgled.
Pay attention!
Psalm 116:1 ‘I love the LORD, for he heard my voice.’ (NIV) God hears us
when we talk to Him. Jesus pays attention to our prayers. It is not just a
passive listening. He listens with intensity and a willingness to understand
our thoughts, emotions and desires. That gives us the confidence to talk
to Him in prayer. We only really talk to those who we know are paying
attention. And, as pastoral ministers, if we want people to talk openly
then we must develop the skill of paying attention to what is being said.
Exercise:
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How do you feel when you have told someone something very
important, only to find out that they were distracted and did not
understand anything you said?
The key to paying attention is to avoid distractions. We need to clear
space, both internally and externally, so we are free to focus only on what
is being said. The external distractions are often easy to deal with. Put
simply, if you are going to spend time listening, do so in a place where
your attention is not hijacked by sound, discomfort or visual ‘noise’.
Choose your listening venue wisely! Below is a list of practical things you
can consider when choosing a venue to listen to someone, or things you
can do to make the listening environment better.
• Make the room a comfortable temperature
• Reduce the noise level
• Avoid listening near windows, or close the blinds, so you can’t see
what’s happening outside
• Choose a good time to meet – too early, too late or just after
lunch are not usually the best times.
• Make sure there is enough light, but not too bright
Sometimes you may be faced with a situation where you need to listen to
someone immediately. It may not be appropriate to postpone the
conversation, so you can meet in a good listening-venue. In those
situations, simply do the best you can: find a nearby place with as few
distractions as possible or deal with as many as you can.
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Exercise: Are there other environmental factors you can consider when
minimising distractions?
Internal distractions are often more difficult to deal with. Our thinking, if
left un-checked, spontaneously wanders in a hundred different directions.
If our thoughts are engaged with anything other than what is being said, it
is a distraction. Here are some common internal distractions:
• Shock. Being shocked about something that is being said sends
our thoughts spiralling. Questions pound in our head: how could
they possibly do that, don’t they realise the consequences, are
they even a Christian if they could do that….? Showing shock is
also passing judgement. And the moment we judge we have taken
a mind-set that is hardened.
• Pre-empting. Thinking about what the person will probably say in
the next sentence prevents us from focussing fully on what is
being said in the current sentence. It is really easy to think we
know where the conversation will go before it gets there,
especially if we have listened to this person before or helped
people with similar issues. Reality check: you can’t possibly know
what someone is going to say before they speak the words.
Therefore, it is best not to try. Stop thinking ahead. Listen to what
is being said now.
• Forming an answer before you have heard everything. One of the
great things about Christian pastoral work, is that we have all the
answers we need in the Bible for every situation people face. The
danger or that is that we can often start formulating Biblical
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answers before someone has finished talking. That, again,
distracts us from what is being said.
There are many things we can do to bring these internal distractions
under control. Two of the simplest and most effective are: take your time
and pay attention to your thoughts. Allowing time to listen reduces the
need to think ahead and formulate quick answers. Paying attention to
what goes on in your own head enables you to correct your thinking
quickly.
A final note on paying attention: consider all forms of communication.
Noticing body-language and tone of voice, as well as the actual words will
help you to not just hear what is being said but to understand what is
being communicated. Particularly pay attention to times when body-
language does not match the words, such as if a person tells you they are
happy but look very uncomfortable.
Encourage talking
Talking through problems helps people to get a better grasp on their
thoughts and feelings. As they put into words what is going on inside of
them, they are bringing order to their thoughts. That process, in turn,
enables people to start to see better outcomes or actions that they need
to take. Talking through issues, in a prayerful Christian environment, can
also help people hear God’s solution.
There may be times in the conversation where the listener may need to
intervene to help the person put into words what is going on in their head
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and heart. Below are a few things a listener can do to help, when
conversation stops.
• Allow silence. Sometimes people just need time to collect their
thoughts and consider how to express them. Giving people the space
to be quiet and think encourages them to share in a way they are
comfortable with.
• Give permission to say anything. People may feel nervous about
sharing personal things. Reminding people that you are not there to
judge, and that the conversation is confidential (except in extreme
situations – see note below) will put them at ease. From that place of
trust, the deeper issues of the heart will come to the surface.
• Prompts. If a person has stopped talking, but you feel they have more
to say, then prompting them can often trigger some more talking.
Regular, subtle prompts, can show that you are listening and will
provide general encouragement. Saying things like ‘OK’, ‘I appreciate
how you are feeling’, ‘that’s a really good way of seeing the situation’,
or just nodding your head to show you are still ‘with them’ helps
people to continue.
• Questions. ‘Tell me more about …..’, ‘Can you explain how this is
impacting you / your family’. These are the type of ‘open’ questions
you can use to draw out further information or conversation. If
there’s something specific that you feel someone needs to say, a
more direct or ‘closed’ question can be used: ‘In this situation causing
you to fight with your husband / wife?’ or ‘Are you taking the
medication you have been proscribed for this illness?’
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• Reflecting back. Telling someone what you have heard them say is a
very effective way of encouraging them to open up some more. It
really shows that you have listened and are interested in what they
have said. It can also remind people of where they are in the
conversation if their thoughts get confused.
This listening skill can feel artificial when you first try it. Saying ‘So,
you are feeling angry about missing the promotion’, after someone
has said ‘I’m feeling angry about missing the promotion’, sounds
strange, but is a great tool in the listeners’ skill-set. It really does help
people to share more, when it is used properly.
The aim of encouraging people to talk is so that they can process what is
going on, think of the best way forward and hear God’s voice. By using the
tools above, we can help people open up some more, and then move
forward.
Note on confidentiality: It is important that people know they can talk to a
pastoral minister in confidence. What is shared during pastoral
conversations should usually go no further. However, there are times
when it may be appropriate to pass on information. As a general rule,
information should always be passed on if there is a concern that another
person is at risk, if you discover a crime has been committed or if there is
a serious risk to the testimony and reputation of the church. Information
could also be passed on if there is a risk to the individual. Every church
should have policies in place to deal with this.
A word of warning: people don’t need to talk about their issues, they need
to talk though them and hear God’s wisdom and direction. Having a
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conversation that goes around in circles does not help anyone. The aim of
pastoral ministry is to help them grow, which means dealing with their
struggles. By listening in a way that gives people the space and confidence
to openly share, and using various tools, we can help them put their
thoughts into order, hear God’s solution and move forward in their faith
and discipleship.
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For copies of this book and other pastoral resources visit:
www.pastoringpeople.com
Resources dedicated to raising up people who excel in
caring and pastoral ministry in the local church; though
providing training, encouragement, group studies and
teaching-resources.
