Forgiveness: An Important But Misunderstood Process that Can Heal the Wounded and the World We Live...
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Forgiveness: An Important But Misunderstood Process that Can Heal the Wounded and the World We Live In Neag School of Education, October 7, 2010 Forgiveness:
Forgiveness: An Important But Misunderstood Process that Can
Heal the Wounded and the World We Live In Neag School of Education,
October 7, 2010 Forgiveness: An Important But Misunderstood Process
that Can Heal the Wounded and the World We Live In Neag School of
Education, October 7, 2010 Jim ONeil, Ph.D Jim ONeil, Ph.D
Counseling Psychologist Professor Department of Educational
Psychology & Family Studies University of Connecticut
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Forgiveness: A Bold Choice Contexts for forgiveness Contexts
for forgiveness Definitions of forgiveness Definitions of
forgiveness What forgiveness is and is not What forgiveness is and
is not Personality qualities of those who forgive Personality
qualities of those who forgive Process of forgiveness Process of
forgiveness My own forgiveness process and yours too My own
forgiveness process and yours too
Slide 3
Forgiveness What is in forgiveness for you? What is in
forgiveness for you? I have received the most polarized I have
received the most polarized reactions to this presentation of all
reactions to this presentation of all of my lectures. of my
lectures. Positive------------------------------------Negative
Slide 4
What Is Forgiveness? To give up the right to legitimate anger
and hurt and to let go of the negative attachment to the hurt and
to show compassion, care, love, to the person who has hurt us
(Snyder et al., 2000).
Slide 5
2. Initial Shock, Anger, Rage, Grief, Loss, Confusion,
Emotional Pain Published in ONeil et al., 2005 ( Copyright, 2005
Haworth Press) The Wounded Person 3. Initial Quest for
Understanding Why the Injury Happened 4. Distorted Schemas &
Defense Mechanisms (Denial, Projection, etc.) 5. Grievance Story
& Grudges: Ongoing Attributions to Explain Injury - Blame
Others - Self Blame 6. Rehearsals of the Hurt, Injury, and Negative
Thoughts about Offender 7. Bonded in the Negative: Reoccurring
Negative Emotional Outcomes: Anger, Rage, Hate, Fear, Depression,
Anxiety, Shame, Guilt 1. Injury, Violation & Victimization
Break Through to Healing or Forgiveness 1. Recognition that injury
has permanently and negatively changed self. 2. Recognition that
old strategies are not producing resolution/closure. 3.
Consideration of healing approaches The Wounded Person Cycle
Slide 6
Quote about Forgiveness "Having forgiven, I am liberated! I
need no longer be determined by the past!" Father Martin Jenco,
Bound to Forgive, 1995
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No Doubt a Spiritually Evolved Human Being
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Father Martin Jenco was an ordained Roman Catholic priest in
the order called "The Servants of Mary" (O.S.M.). He was an
American hostage held in Beirut with others, including Terry
Anderson, Rev. Ben Weir, and Thomas Sutherland. Father Jenco's 564
days in captivity, which started in 1985, are told in his book
"Bound to Forgive" (Ave Maria Press, c1995).
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Your Assignment: Forgiveness Reflection Instructions: Reflect
on & visualize a person you need to forgive from the past or in
the present. Reflect on & visualize a person you need to
forgive from the past or in the present. Allow yourself to bring
this person into your complete consciousness. Allow yourself to
bring this person into your complete consciousness. Address each of
the following in your response: Address each of the following in
your response:
Slide 12
Assignment: Forgiveness Reflection Describe how this person
hurt you. Describe how this person hurt you. What feelings or
thoughts are unresolved related to your hurt? What feelings or
thoughts are unresolved related to your hurt? Is forgiveness a
possibility for you now? Is forgiveness a possibility for you now?
If yes, explain how. If yes, explain how. If no, explain what is in
the way. If no, explain what is in the way. Describe your reaction
to this exercise and the lecture on forgiveness. Describe your
reaction to this exercise and the lecture on forgiveness.
Slide 13
Forgiveness is Everywhere In Our Culture
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Forgiveness as a Choice
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Forgiveness as Letting Go
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The Movie: Invictus
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The Movie Invictus The Word Invictus Means: Unconquered Morgan
Freeman plays Nelson Mandela Tense moment early in the movie: Where
Mandelas head of security questions the arrival of the previous
white presidents bodyquards as back up staff
Slide 20
Not long ago these guys tried to kill us Mandelas replies :
Yes, I know, forgiveness starts here. Forgiveness liberates the
soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful
weapon
Slide 21
Forgiveness in Music Don Henleys : Heart of the Matter Rebecca
Lynn Howard: Forgive The Dixie Chicks: Not Ready to Make Nice
Slide 22
Forgiveness In Politics President Bill Clinton Sought
Forgiveness Three Times
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Forgiveness In Politics: Connecticut
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New Books
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Forgiveness is Everywhere
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Why is Forgiveness Important?
Slide 30
Forgiveness as A Universal Human Concept Forgiveness is found
in every major religious creed worldwide Even though forgiveness is
a universal concept, it remain a very difficult process for human
beings Why Have I invested my time in forgiveness? Some people
think that some horrific violations are impossible to forgive
Slide 31
Nidal Malik Hasan - Fort Hood gunman
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Omar Thornton Killed 8 at Hartford Distributors in Manchester
CT Hannah
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U.S. Society & Forgiveness Are We Currently a Forgiving
Society in America after 9/11?
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How Many of You are prepared to Forgive Osama bin Laden ?
Slide 40
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Forgiveness: What it is NOT Pardoning Pardoning Excusing
Excusing Forgetting Forgetting Denying Denying Condoning Condoning
Reconciling Reconciling Seeking justice or compensation Seeking
justice or compensation Having an attitude of superiority /
righteousness Having an attitude of superiority / righteousness
Denying anger, hurt, rage, and pain Denying anger, hurt, rage, and
pain Ceasing to be angry Ceasing to be angry Feeling better Feeling
better
Slide 42
Forgiveness: What it IS: Choice or a decision Choice or a
decision Letting go of anger and pain Letting go of anger and pain
Act of courage Act of courage Not being determined by the past Not
being determined by the past Working with emotions Working with
emotions A new attitude A new attitude Perceptual changes
Perceptual changes A process A process Positive power Positive
power A gift A gift Spiritual deepening Spiritual deepening A
transcendent act A transcendent act A way of life A way of life
Redemptive Redemptive
Slide 43
Forgiveness Definitions: I found 10 definitions in the
literature 1. A willingness to abandon ones right to resentment,
negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly
injured us, while fostering the undeserved quality of compassion,
generosity, and even love toward him or her (Enright, Freeman,
Rique, 1998).
Slide 44
2. The adaptive framing of a seeming mistreatment or
transgression such that one is no longer constrained by a negative
attachment to it (Thompson & Snyder, 2000). Forgiveness
Definitions (cont'd)
Slide 45
3. To give up the right to legitimate anger and hurt and to let
go of the negative attachment to the hurt and to show compassion,
care, love, to the person who has hurt us (Snyder et al.,
2000).
Slide 46
Forgiveness Definitions (cont'd) 4. The replacement of negative
emotions by positive other-oriented emotions (such as empathy,
sympathy, compassion, agape love, or even romantic love)
(Worthington, 2001).
Slide 47
Common Themes With The Definitions 1. Letting go of anger,
hurt, loss, & resentment. 2. Redefining the violation through a
perceptual shift in understanding the person/event that hurt us. 3.
Replacing the negative emotions with positive ones as it relates to
the offender (empathy, care, objectivity, compassion, even
love).
Slide 48
Problems With Forgiving Contradictory, paradoxical, difficult,
confusing, emotionally upsetting Peoples reaction to what I am
presenting here today are usually polarized
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Forgive Lyrics Rebecca Lynn Howard A Misunderstanding of What
Forgiveness is: You know what they say [say say] Forgive and forget
Relive and regret!
Slide 52
I always said that'd be it That I wouldn't stick around if it
ever came to this Here I am, so confused How am I supposed to leave
when I can't even move? In the time it would have took to say
"honey I'm home, how was your day?" You dropped the bomb right
where we live And just expect me to forgive...
Slide 53
Chorus: Oh, that's a mighty big word for such a small man And
I'm not sure I can Cause I don't even know now who I am It's too
soon for me to say...forgive
Slide 54
I should ask but I won't Was it love or just her touch? Cause I
don't think I wanna know So get you some things And get out (Get
out)
Slide 55
Don't call me for a day or two So I can sort this out Well you
might as well have ripped the life right out of me Right here
tonight And through the fallin' tears you said "Can you ever just
forgive?"
Slide 56
Oh, hey, that's a mighty big word for such a small man And I'm
not sure I can Cause I don't even know now who I am It's too soon
for me to say...forgive
Slide 57
You know what they say [say say] Forgive and forget Relive and
regret Hey
Slide 58
Forgive... Well, that's a mighty big word for such a small man
And I'm not sure I can Cause I don't even know now who I am. Its
too soon for me to say: Forgive Oh...it's too soon for me to say
FORGIVE
Slide 59
Forgiveness Workshop At UCONN in 2003
Slide 60
Forgiveness Skills Workshop We did 5 evaluations during after
the workshop, including a 1 month follow-up. We did 5 evaluations
during after the workshop, including a 1 month follow-up. Results:
Results: 25% Didnt get anything out of workshop 25% Didnt get
anything out of workshop 75% Got much out of workshop. 75% Got much
out of workshop. Why do you think that 25% got little out of the
workshop?
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Holding on to Anger: Why Do People Do It ? To keep themselves
in the victim role To keep themselves in the victim role To avoid
feelings that are underneath the anger To avoid feelings that are
underneath the anger Avoid taking responsibility for their present
life Avoid taking responsibility for their present life To feel
safe or protect themselves To feel safe or protect themselves To
Get things done To Get things done To feel powerful and in control
To feel powerful and in control To control others To control others
To avoid communication To avoid communication To show they are
right To show they are right To make others feel guilty To make
others feel guilty To hold on to a relationship To hold on to a
relationship
Slide 64
Misunderstanding what forgiveness is Misunderstanding what
forgiveness is Thinking that forgiving is a sign of weakness
Thinking that forgiving is a sign of weakness Mahatma Gandhi: The
weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an Mahatma Gandhi: The weak
can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
attribute of the strong. Fearing that the offence (and hurt) will
be repeated and making oneself vulnerable to being hurt again
Fearing that the offence (and hurt) will be repeated and making
oneself vulnerable to being hurt again Believing that justice will
not be served Pardoning a debt violates standards of justice and is
morally incorrect Believing that justice will not be served
Pardoning a debt violates standards of justice and is morally
incorrect Losing rewards of victim status Losing rewards of victim
status What Keeps People from Forgiving?
Slide 65
Self discipline Self discipline Emotional control Emotional
control Emotional awareness and intelligence Emotional awareness
and intelligence Instinctual restraint Instinctual restraint
Capacity for perceptual shifts Capacity for perceptual shifts
Desire to live in the here and now Desire to live in the here and
now Telling the truth Telling the truth Awareness of one's
personality defenses Awareness of one's personality defenses Quest
for positive emotions Quest for positive emotions Heightened sense
of morality Heightened sense of morality Contextual sensitivity
Contextual sensitivity Compassion Compassion Empathy Empathy
Capacity to forgive self Capacity to forgive self Psychological
Qualities Needed for Forgiveness (How Many of these Do You Have?)
Psychological Qualities Needed for Forgiveness (How Many of these
Do You Have?)
Slide 66
Research Is Beginning to Document the Positive Effects of
Forgiveness
Slide 67
Benefits of Forgiveness Decreases anger, depression, and
anxiety Decreases anger, depression, and anxiety Increases
self-esteem, self-control, and emotional stability Increases
self-esteem, self-control, and emotional stability Strengthens
relationships Strengthens relationships Reduces fear and guilt in
life Reduces fear and guilt in life Improves emotional and physical
health Improves emotional and physical health Increases inner peace
Increases inner peace
Slide 68
Phases of Forgiveness* Phase 1: Uncovering Your Anger and Other
Emotions: Internal-Emotional Processes Phase 1: Uncovering Your
Anger and Other Emotions: Internal-Emotional Processes Phase 2:
Deciding to Forgive: Focus on Self Phase 2: Deciding to Forgive:
Focus on Self Phase 3: Working on Forgiveness: Focus on Self and
the Offender Phase 3: Working on Forgiveness: Focus on Self and the
Offender Phase 4: Deepening Discovery: Release from Emotional
Prison Phase 4: Deepening Discovery: Release from Emotional Prison
* Taken from Enright (2001) & Enright & Fitzgibbons (2000),
but revised / expanded using literature by James M. ONeil,
University of Connecticut.
Slide 69
Working Through the Phases Is Difficult Contradictory,
paradoxical, difficult, confusing, lonely, an experience in loss
and vulnerability, emotionally upsetting, feelings of weakness,
dealing with anger, and eventually HEALING AND TRANSFORMATION
Slide 70
The Heart Of The Matter Lyrics Don HenleyDon Henley
Slide 71
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear But I knew that it
would come An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone, She
said you found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And the
struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What
are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our
contentment And beg for something more?
Slide 72
I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I
knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart
of the Matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you
don't love me anymore
Slide 73
T hese times are so uncertain There's a yearning
undefined...People filled with rage We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age The trust and
self-assurance that can lead to happiness They're the very things
we kill, I guess Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us, Doesn't keep me warm
Slide 74
I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you, Baby The
more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I
figured out, I have to learn again I've been tryin' to get down to
the Heart of the Matter But everything changes And my friends seem
to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if,
even if you don't love me anymore
Slide 75
There are people in your life who've come and gone They let you
down and hurt your pride Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
Slide 76
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter But my
will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's
about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me
anymore
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I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter Because
the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I'm thinkin'
about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me
anymore
Slide 79
21-Step Process of Forgiveness 1. Recognize that forgiveness is
about a person changing themselves cognitively, emotionally, and
behaviorally. 2. Recognize that the forgiveness process is hard,
takes time, is ambiguous, and sometimes paradoxical. 3. Have a
clear definition of forgiveness. 4. Take responsibility for ones
own emotional feelings. 5. Forgive self, if necessary, before
forgiving others.
Slide 80
6. Recognize that the old ways of resolving the negative
emotions are not working. 7. Know the costs of the pain from
keeping the negative emotions. 8. Seek new ways of resolving
unfinished emotional business. 9. Commit to the forgiveness
process. 10. Evaluate and alter rigid personal rules for how people
should behave. 21-Step Process of Forgiveness
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11. Work toward understanding. a. Reframe the injury. b.
Increase contextual understanding of offender and situation. c.
Recall hurtful event as objectively as possible. d. Understand the
hurtful event from the others point of view or at least from a
neutral viewpoint. 12. Change the grievance story to reflect the
need to heal. 21-Step Process of Forgiveness
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13. Release the pain, anger, hurt, and need for revenge. (But
How? : any way possible) 14. Move away from blame to acceptance of
the injustice. 15. Stop rehearsing the hurt and holding the grudge.
16. Empathize with the offender show compassion. This may be hard
and difficult. 17. Create careful strategies for attitudinal or
behavioral forgiveness.
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21-Step Process of Forgiveness 18. Talk through the strategies
with a wise friend or therapist. 19. Do it! 20. Commit publicly to
the forgiveness process. 21. Discover the meaning of suffering and
the positive outcomes for forgiving.
Slide 84
An Example of Forgiveness The Movie About Schmidt: Warren is
definitely on the wounded person cycle Burned out insurance agent
in Omaha, Nebraska Retires and his wife suddenly dies Find her love
letters to Warrens best friend Warren has a pen pal relationship
with an orphan in Africa.
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Summary: Approaches to Forgiveness 1. Uncovering the anger
& using it positively. 2. Generating more information about the
person that hurt you & the situation. 3. Developing new context
& perceptual shifts to understand your pain. 4. Knowing how
your thoughts / feelings have been distorted in the areas of trust,
self-esteem, power / control, intimacy, & safety.
Slide 88
Approaches to Forgiveness 5. Changing the grievance story. 6.
Stopping the rehearsal of the injury. 7. Breaking the bond with the
anger.
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How Can You Work on Forgiveness ? Journaling, writing,
expressing the pain positively Journaling, writing, expressing the
pain positively Investigating your thoughts, feelings, and
defenses; Investigating your thoughts, feelings, and defenses;
Investigate and revisit the person that hurt you and the situation
Investigate and revisit the person that hurt you and the situation
Stop the blame and begin to reframe the hurt Stop the blame and
begin to reframe the hurt
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Use external resources (support groups, therapy, self-help
books, wise friends and mentors). Use external resources (support
groups, therapy, self-help books, wise friends and mentors). Use
prayer, meditation, and other spiritual resources Use prayer,
meditation, and other spiritual resources Explore strategies to do
forgiveness Explore strategies to do forgiveness Create metaphors
for healing Create metaphors for healing Implementing
Forgiveness
Slide 91
Assignment: Forgiveness Reflection Describe how this person
hurt you. Describe how this person hurt you. What feelings or
thoughts are unresolved related to your hurt? What feelings or
thoughts are unresolved related to your hurt? Is forgiveness a
possibility for you now? Is forgiveness a possibility for you now?
If yes, explain how. If yes, explain how. If no, explain what is in
the way. If no, explain what is in the way. Describe your reaction
to this exercise and the lecture on forgiveness. Describe your
reaction to this exercise and the lecture on forgiveness.
Slide 92
I hope this information helps you personally or the people you
serve in your life! Thanks, Warmly Jim One of my sons drawings
Slide 93
Forgiveness: A Bold Choice Contexts for forgiveness Contexts
for forgiveness Definitions of forgiveness Definitions of
forgiveness What forgiveness is and is not What forgiveness is and
is not Personality qualities of those who forgive Personality
qualities of those who forgive Process of forgiveness Process of
forgiveness My own forgiveness process and yours too My own
forgiveness process and yours too