For preview only - pioneerdrama.com · rights must be purchased before reproducing this script ii 35 the enchanted bookshop by todd wallinger cast of characters (in order of appearance)

By Todd Wallinger

© Copyright 2017, by Todd Wallinger

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TODD WALLINGER to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

HEIDI’S LANGUAGEBeing Swiss, Heidi speaks German as her native language. The language she speaks here, however, is a mishmash of English, German, and some made-up words. Here’s a glossary to help you make sense of it all.Mein Himmel! (mine HIM-mel)—Heavens!Ach du lieber! (ock doo LEE-ber)—Oh, my goodness!Was ist los? (VAHS ist LOHS)—What’s the matter?Kaput (kuh-POOT)—Done for.Klinken-klanken (KLINK-en KLANK-en)—Made-up. Represents the

sound of a doorknob being turned.Gebrochen-schnappen (guh-BROKH-en SHNOP-en)—Made-up.

Combines the German words for “broken” and “snapped.”Mein (mine)—My.Auf wiedersehen, Fräulein Margie! (owf VEE-der-zane FROY-line MAHR-

jee)—Goodbye, Miss Margie!As a guide to her accent, some of her words have been spelled rather

creatively, with “w” becoming “v,” “s” becoming “sh,” and “th” becoming “s” or “z.” These are suggestions only.

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ii 35

THE ENCHANTED BOOKSHOP

By TODD WALLINGER

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

MARGIE ..............................bookshop owner; scatterbrained, 140 eternally hopeful

BOMBALURINA ....................Margie’s cat; likes to steal things 8MOM ..................................bored bookshop customer 24TIMMY ................................kid; hates books 10ROBIN HOOD ......................vain Medieval English outlaw 54TOM SAWYER ......................mischievous Missouri schoolboy 36SHERLOCK HOLMES ............brainy English detective 58TOTO ..................................Dorothy’s dog; not as brave as n/a

he thinks he isDOROTHY ...........................Kansas farm girl; fearless, clever 64HEIDI..................................Swiss mountain girl; 38

melodramaticPOLLYANNA .........................New England schoolgirl; 42

annoyingly optimisticBOOK FAIRY ........................brings the book characters to 29

life; overbearingLADY IN RED .......................mysterious bookshop customer 24FAGIN .................................English pickpocket; sneaky 13LONG JOHN SILVER .............English pirate; treacherous 17OFFICER KETCHUM..............confused police officer 24FINGERS .............................jewel smuggler; dumb 61EDDIE.................................another; bossy and dumb 90DOCTOR DOLITTLE ..............English veterinarian; talks 16

to animalsQUEEN OF HEARTS ..............ruler of Wonderland; hothead 9FRANKENSTEIN ...................monster; grunts a lot n/aWICKED WITCHOF THE WEST ......................Dorothy’s nemesis; smart aleck 8HOPALONG CASSIDY ...........noble cowboy 7

BOMBALURINA—Cat ears. Use makeup to give her a cat nose and whiskers.

MOM—Fleece jacket, yoga pants.TIMMY—Whatever kids are wearing these days.

The book characters dress like they do in their books. It’s not necessary, however, to give them elaborate costumes. For the most part, each of the book characters can be identified by two or three key items, as listed below:

ROBIN HOOD—Green pointed hat, green tunic.TOM SAWYER—Straw hat, suspenders.SHERLOCK HOLMES—Deerstalker hat, trench coat.TOTO—Black pointy dog ears. Use makeup to give him a dog nose

and whiskers.DOROTHY—Calico dress, silver shoes (as in the book). Note that

the ruby slippers are from the 1939 MGM movie and are not in the public domain.

HEIDI—Dirndl, braided hair.POLLYANNA—Frilly 1910’s-era dress, large hair bow.LADY IN RED—Red dress, mink stole, red pillbox hat with veil.FAGIN—Shabby overcoat, flat wide-brimmed hat, scraggly beard

and moustache.LONG JOHN SILVER—Pirate hat, long coat, parrot. For the peg leg,

wrap the lower leg in a cardboard tube painted to look like wood. Or you can buy a “peg leg sock” from one of several online vendors. Either way, the realism of the effect will mostly depend on the stiff-legged walk of the actor.

OFFICER KETCHUM—Police uniform including hat.EDDIE and FINGERS—Black knit cap, black sweatshirt.DOCTOR DOLITTLE—Top hat, frock coat, stethoscope.QUEEN OF HEARTS—Crown, gown with hearts.FRANKENSTEIN—Dark jacket, clunky shoes, green makeup.WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST—Witch hat, black dress, green

makeup.HOPALONG CASSIDY—Cowboy hat, neck bandanna.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGBOMBALURINA, TIMMY, TOTO, OFFICER KETCHUM, FINGERS, and EDDIE can be played by either gender with few, if any, line changes.

The actor playing FAGIN can double as DOLITTLE and either FRANKENSTEIN or HOPALONG. The actress playing LADY IN RED can double as QUEEN OF HEARTS and WICKED WITCH.

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SETTINGTime: Present.Place: A Likely Story used book store.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: One evening near closing time.Scene Two: That night.Scene Three: The next day.Scene Four: That night.Scene Five: The next day.

ACT TWOScene One: That night.Scene Two: The next day.Scene Three: That night.Scene Four: The next day.

SET DESCRIPTIONA quaint used book store with the walls lined with bookshelves. The main entrance is at STAGE RIGHT. The entrance from the upstairs apartment is at STAGE LEFT. A counter with a cash register is UP RIGHT. The counter hides a low opening in the UPSTAGE WALL through which the book characters enter and exit.

Bombalurina’s cat bed is DOWN LEFT. A sign shows the name of the store, “A Likely Story.”

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEShelves with books, cat bed hiding a rabbit’s foot and a locket, sign showing the name of the store, “A Likely Story,” and a counter with cash register, phone, pen, notepad, bottle of glue, and containing some shopping bags.

In ACT TWO, Scene Four, a fake necklace is added to the locked book that is onstage.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE

Scene One:Book (MARGIE)Phone (TIMMY)

Scene Three:Locked book containing diamond necklace (LADY IN RED)

Scene Four:Pillow, Robin’s hat (BOMBALURINA)Slingshot, three marbles, two pennies, string, magnifying glass,

beetle (TOM)Bow, arrow (ROBIN)Hairpin (POLLYANNA)Lock pick (FAGIN)Parrot (LONG JOHN)

ACT TWOScene One:

Slingshot (TOM)Scene Two:

Photo (FINGERS)Scene Three:

Binoculars (BOMBALURINA)Stretcher (ROBIN, DOLITTLE)

Scene Four:Lasso (HOPALONG)“Real” diamond necklace (LONG JOHN)Book (TIMMY)

COSTUMESThe real-life characters wear contemporary clothing.

MARGIE—Funky, bohemian-style clothing.

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BOOK FAIRY: No, Margie. They’re not gone. They’re right where they’re supposed to be, just waiting for someone to open their books and bring them to life.

MARGIE: But how will that ever happen? Hardly anyone comes to the store anymore. And when they do, they don’t buy anything.

BOOK FAIRY: Oh, Margie. You’ve got to have faith! Someday, maybe, if you truly believe— (Hears MOM and TIMMY approach.) Uh oh. Somebody’s coming. I’ve got to go. (EXITS UPSTAGE.)

MARGIE: (Calls after her.) It was nice knowing you! I guess.MOM: (Bursts IN RIGHT with TIMMY, who clutches his copy of White

Fang.) We’re back!MARGIE: What’s the matter? Didn’t he like the book?MOM: Are you kidding? He loved it!TIMMY: It was the greatest book ever!MARGIE: I’m so glad you enjoyed it!TIMMY: Do you have any more?MARGIE: Do I have any more? I’ve got a whole store full of books!MOM: What would you recommend?MARGIE: (Pulls books off the shelf and names each one.) Well, there’s

Robin Hood and Pollyanna and Sherlock Holmes and Heidi and Tom Sawyer and… (Pauses at The Wizard of Oz.) And then there’s this one, the most special one of all. (Places the book in TIMMY’S hands.)

TIMMY: The Wizard of Oz? I thought that was a movie.MARGIE: Oh, sure. They made a movie out of it, but if you really want

to see some great special effects, you’ve got to read the book.TIMMY: Awesome!MOM: We’ll take them all.MARGIE: Wonderful! I’ll bag these up for you. (Goes behind the counter

and gets out a shopping bag.)MOM: No, no. I don’t mean these all. (Gestures toward the books in

MARGIE’S hands.) I mean these all. (Gestures toward all the books in the store.)

MARGIE: The entire store?MOM: The entire store.TIMMY: Wow! Thanks, Mom!MARGIE: Well, Bombalurina, it looks like we’re going to need some

more bags! (Gets out a big stack of bags and starts bagging up books as MOM and TIMMY eagerly look through The Wizard of Oz. Delighted to finally get rid of them, BOMBALURINA brings her more books. And more books. And still more books. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

END OF PLAY

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ACT ONEScene One

AT RISE: MARGIE reads The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood. BOMBALURINA lies in her cat bed, listening contentedly.MARGIE: Listen, Bombalurina! Here comes the exciting part! (Acts

out the story as she reads.) “At last Little John struck like a flash, and—rap!—the Tanner met the blow and turned it aside, and then smote back at Little John, who also turned the blow, and so this mighty battle began.”

MOM: (ENTERS RIGHT with TIMMY, who plays a game on his phone. MARGIE doesn’t notice them.) Excuse me.

MARGIE: (Reads.) “Then up and down and back and forth they trod, the blows falling so thick and fast that, at a distance, one would have thought that half a score of men were fighting.”

MOM: I said, excuse me.MARGIE: (Reads.) “Thus they fought for nigh a half an hour, until the

ground was all plowed up with the digging of their heels, and their breathing grew labored like the ox in the furrow—” (MOM taps her on the shoulder.) Aaah! (Startled, throws up her hands, causing the book to fly across the room.)

MOM: I’d like some help, please.MARGIE: (Flustered.) What? Oh, uh, yes! Of course! You want some

help! And I’m going to help you! Just as soon as I get my book! (Rushes over to the book. After checking to make sure it’s okay, sets it on the counter.) Welcome to A Likely Story. How can I help you this evening?

MOM: I’m here to buy a book for my son, Timmy.MARGIE: Oh! Isn’t that exciting! What kind of books do you like,

Timmy? Timmy?MOM: Timmy, she’s asking you a question.TIMMY: (Continues playing with his phone.) I hate books.MARGIE: Ha ha! Surely you don’t mean that. Don’t you have a favorite

book at home?MOM: Timmy doesn’t have any books.MARGIE: No books at all?MOM: We always meant to buy him one, but we could never make the

commitment. Books take up so much room, you know?MARGIE: Yes, well, I’m sure I can find something he’ll like. (Scans

the bookshelves.)

POLLYANNA: I just wish we could have helped you save the store.MARGIE: Don’t worry about that. I’m just so excited you’re here!DOROTHY: (Jerks backward.) Oh, no!MARGIE: What’s the matter?DOROTHY: I don’t know. Something seems to be tugging on me! (Now

the other BOOK CHARACTERS jerk backward.)HOPALONG: It feels like I got a lasso around my waist!BOOK FAIRY: Huh. So that’s how it works.MARGIE: What do you mean? How what works?BOOK FAIRY: The spell, of course. It’s over. Dorothy and Tom and all

the rest of them, they’re going to disappear into their books now.WICKED WITCH: Curses! And I just got here too!HEIDI: Can’t you do something, Book Fairy?BOOK FAIRY: I’m sorry. It’s out of my hands now. (The BOOK

CHARACTERS lurch backward toward the hidden EXIT, bodies jerking, arms flailing, as though pulled by an unseen force.)

MARGIE: No! Don’t go! There are so many things I want to talk to you about!

POLLYANNA: We can’t help it, Miss Margie! The force is too strong!TOM: Uh-oh! Here I go! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Tom!POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! Even I can’t put a positive spin on this!

(EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Pollyanna!HOPALONG: Oh, well. I guess this is the last roundup! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)SHERLOCK: A most curious sensation, this! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)LONG JOHN: Hold fast, Captain Flint! We’re going down with the ship!

(EXITS UPSTAGE.)WICKED WITCH: And I thought melting was bad! (EXITS UPSTAGE.

FRANKENSTEIN lets out a groan and EXITS UPSTAGE.)HEIDI: Auf wiedersehen, Fräulein Margie! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)ROBIN: We’ll never forget you! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Oh, Dorothy! You’ve got to stay!DOROTHY: I’m sorry, Miss Margie! I don’t have the strength! (TOTO

barks, then EXITS UPSTAGE with DOROTHY.)MARGIE: (Heartbroken, stares at the spot where they vanished.

BOMBALURINA rubs up against her and purrs.) Oh, Bombalurina! They’re gone! They’re all gone!

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MOM: We wouldn’t be here at all except his teacher is making him write a book report.

MARGIE: (To TIMMY.) Ooh, how about a mystery? Or maybe science fiction. Wait. I’d bet you’d love a heartwarming animal story!

TIMMY: (To phone.) Take that! And that!MOM: I don’t know why he has to write a book report. I mean, books

are so old-fashioned.MARGIE: Oh, but they’re not! Books are wonderful! They strengthen

your vocabulary! They fuel your imagination! They teach you about other times and other cultures!

MOM: What do you mean?MARGIE: (Picks up the book from the counter.) Well, take this book,

for example. Robin Hood. It’s about these highway robbers in medieval England…

MOM: Oh, no. We would never let Timmy read a book like that. We’re very careful about what we expose him to.

TIMMY: (To phone.) Blam! Blam! Blam!MARGIE: (Pulls a book from the shelf.) Okay. How about this one?

White Fang by Jack London.MOM: What’s that? A book about dentistry?MARGIE: No, it’s about this dog named White Fang, see? And he lives

in the Yukon, and he gets sold to an Indian named Grey Beaver, only because he’s part wolf, the other dogs refuse to accept him. (Acts out the story.) And then he gets into this fight with a dog named Cherokee. They pounce at each other, slashing and biting, tearing and clawing, until Cherokee manages to close his jaws over White Fang’s throat. White Fang tries to shake him off, but he doesn’t have the strength and he stumbles to the ground, exhausted… (On the floor now, looks up at MOM for approval.)

MOM: Sounds violent.TIMMY: (To his phone.) Die, ogre, die!MARGIE: (Scrambles to her feet.) Oh, no. It’s really a very good book.MOM: How much is it?MARGIE: Three dollars.MOM: I don’t know. That seems like an awful lot of money.MARGIE: Would you buy it for two dollars?MOM: Come on, Timmy. Let’s see what they have at the library. (Starts

to leave with TIMMY.)MARGIE: No, no! Please, just take it! (Holds out the book.)MOM: You’re giving us the book?

WICKED WITCH: (Puts her hand on FRANKENSTEIN’S shoulder.) Where we come from, it’s always Halloween. (FRANKENSTEIN grunts.)

EDDIE: We didn’t do nothin’, officer. We was just buyin’ a book.OFFICER KETCHUM: Oh, yeah? Which book?FINGERS: That book over there with the jewels in it.EDDIE: How many times do I gotta tell you, Fingers? You’re supposed

to shut up when you’re talkin’!OFFICER KETCHUM: (Picks up the book and the fake necklace.) Huh.

A book with a secret compartment. So this is how the jewels were smuggled. But this isn’t the necklace that was stolen.

EDDIE: Gee, officer. I guess that means you gotta let us go.LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with the real necklace.) Could this be

of interest to ye, constable? (Hands over the necklace.)OFFICER KETCHUM: (Takes it.) This is the necklace, all right. But what

were you doing with it?LONG JOHN: Me? Oh, uh, I was just keeping it safe from those two

bilge rats over there.EDDIE: I don’t know what he’s yappin’ about.FINGERS: Sure you do, Eddie. That’s the necklace we was gonna smuggle.EDDIE: You know your problem, Fingers? Your mouth keeps workin’

overtime while your brain is still on break.OFFICER KETCHUM: I don’t understand. If this is the stolen necklace,

then where did the other necklace come from?POLLYANNA: That was my fault, officer. I thought if I gave the smugglers

my Aunt Polly’s necklace, they would leave Miss Margie alone. I didn’t realize the necklace was fake.

BOOK CHARACTERS: Pollyanna!WICKED WITCH: See? I always said you can’t trust little girls.LONG JOHN: Young lads ain’t much better.TOM: Hey!OFFICER KETCHUM: All right, you crooks. I’m running you in. I’ve got

more than enough evidence to book you. Hey, did you hear that? Book you! I made a joke!

FINGERS: That’s a good one, copper! Hey, Eddie, ain’t that a good one?EDDIE: When I say shaddap, I mean shaddap! (OFFICER KETCHUM

escorts EDDIE and FINGERS OFF RIGHT.)MARGIE: Thanks, everybody. I don’t know what I would have done

without you.DOROTHY: We had to help, Miss Margie. We couldn’t stand by and

see you get hurt.

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MARGIE: Sure. Why not?MOM: (Reluctant, takes the book. To TIMMY.) I guess if you don’t like

it, we can always sell it online.TIMMY: (To his phone.) Yay! Another five thousand points! (EXITS

RIGHT with MOM. BOMBALURINA gives MARGIE a dubious look.)MARGIE: Don’t look at me like that, Bombalurina. I had to give it to

them. I can’t imagine a child not owning a book. (Peers OFF RIGHT.) Oh, well. Might as well close up shop. It doesn’t look like we’re going to get any more customers tonight. (Locks the front door.) Well, Bombalurina? Are you going to come up to the apartment with me, or are you going to stay down here and guard against burglars? (Alarmed, BOMBALURINA jumps out of bed and follows her.) I thought so. You wouldn’t be much help against burglars anyway.

BOMBALURINA: (Stops to put her paws on her hips.) Meow! (MARGIE EXITS LEFT. BOMBALURINA hurries after her. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP: That night.ROBIN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE through the hidden EXIT behind the counter.

Staggers dizzily.) Odds bodkins! It feels as though the whole world is spinning…

TOM: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) What’s the matter, old man? Did you swing into a tree again?

ROBIN: No. Miss Margie threw my book. I swear, every time she reads me, I end up flying across the room.

SHERLOCK: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) I thought you enjoyed flying, my good man.ROBIN: I do. It’s the landing I’m not so fond of. (TOTO ENTERS

UPSTAGE, barking.)DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE, following TOTO.) Toto, you’ve got to be

quiet! You could wake up Miss Margie!HEIDI: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Vorse yet, you could vake up zat

cat, Bamboozle-o-mania!SHERLOCK: Her name is pronounced Bombalurina, Heidi.HEIDI: Zat’s vat I said, Bamboozle-o-mania!DOROTHY: What’s the matter with him? (Indicates ROBIN.)SHERLOCK: I’m afraid he’s suffered a traumatic injury to his cranium.HEIDI: Mein Himmel! I can’t undershtand a vord he says!TOM: He means he took a blow to the noggin.

WICKED WITCH: Cool it, Frankie. They’ve already surrendered. (FRANKENSTEIN lets out a disappointed grunt.)

TOM: If only we had somethin’ to tie ‘em up with.HOPALONG: (ENTERS UPSTAGE holding a lasso.) I’ve got just what you

need right here, pardner.POLLYANNA: Thanks, Hopalong! You came just in the nick of time!HOPALONG: Of course, little lady. I always come in the nick of time.DOROTHY: I just wish the nick of time had come a little earlier.HOPALONG: (Ties up EDDIE and FINGERS.) Would someone please

call the police? (FRANKENSTEIN picks up the phone and grunts into it.)

POLLYANNA: Uh, Frankie? It might be better if I make the call. (Takes the phone from FRANKENSTEIN.)

MARGIE: Dorothy! Heidi! Tom! You’re real!DOROTHY: You bet we’re real!HEIDI: As real as ze books ve came from!MARGIE: But what are you doing here?HOPALONG: It’s simple, pardner.SHERLOCK: It was all the Book Fairy’s idea.BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Did somebody call my— (Looks

around.) Whoa!MARGIE: You made this happen?BOOK FAIRY: Who, me? (Laughs nervously.) I don’t know if I’d go

that far.WICKED WITCH: Sure it was you! You’re the one who gave us life!HOPALONG: Only you told us to lay low.DOROTHY: You said if we ever left the building or were seen by any

humans, we’d disappear into our books.BOOK FAIRY: Oh, yeah. Now it’s coming back to me.MARGIE: But I don’t understand. I’m seeing you now.ROBIN: Yes, and I fear this shall be the end of us.MARGIE: You mean…?DOROTHY: We gave up our lives, Miss Margie. To save you.OFFICER KETCHUM: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Stop! You’re all under a nest!

No, wait. Not a nest. Arrest! You’re all under arrest!MARGIE: Those are the smugglers you’ve been looking for, officer.

Right over there. (Indicates EDDIE and FINGERS.)OFFICER KETCHUM: (Crosses to the THIEVES, looks around at all the

strange-looking characters.) It’s kind of early for Halloween, isn’t it?

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ROBIN: Miss Margie tossed me across the room again.DOROTHY: Oh, please. You don’t know what tossing is until you’ve

been tossed by a tornado!HEIDI: Vat means zis vord, tornado?POLLYANNA: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Ooh! Ooh! Let me explain it! A

tornado is this great rush of wind that sounds like a freight train and goes around and around like a carnival ride!

DOROTHY: You know something, Pollyanna? Only you could make a tornado sound fun.

HEIDI: Did anyvun see vat book vas taken?SHERLOCK: I believe it was White Fang by Jack London.TOM: Oh, no! Not White Fang! I’m gonna miss that ol’ mutt!DOROTHY: Not me! I’m glad he’s gone. He used to chase Toto all

around the bookshop! (TOTO growls.)ROBIN: And he was always chewing on my boots!POLLYANNA: Well, look on the bright side! At least Miss Margie sold

another book!SHERLOCK: She didn’t sell the book, Pollyanna. She gave it away.TOM: Miss Margie’s got to stop doin’ that.DOROTHY: I know. If business doesn’t pick up soon, she’s going to

have to close the bookshop.HEIDI: Ach du lieber! Vat vill happen to us?ROBIN: Who cares what happens to us? It’s Miss Margie I’m

worried about.TOM: Yeah. This shop is her life.DOROTHY: I just wish we could help.POLLYANNA: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we raise some money for

her by opening a lemonade stand?SHERLOCK: I’m afraid we can’t, Pollyanna. That would violate the two

rules that were established for us by the Book Fairy.DOROTHY: Oh, no! You said it again!SHERLOCK: Said what? What do you mean?BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with a flourish.) Did somebody call

my name?BOOK CHARACTERS: (Unenthusiastic.) Hello, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: Tom, I didn’t hear your greeting.TOM: (Downright glum.) Hello, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: That’s better. Now what do you need my assistance with?

EDDIE: All right, Fingers. Pick another book.FINGERS: (Grabs another book.) This one’s got a funny name.

(Mispronounces Don Quixote.) Don Quicksoddy. (Tears pages out of the book.)

MARGIE: Stop! I’ll give you all my money! Just please don’t hurt my books!

EDDIE: Pick another one.FINGERS: (Grabs another book.) Ooh, I know this one! Heidi! (Prepares

to tear pages from this book.)ROBIN: (Bounds IN UPSTAGE.) Halt, you villainous rogues!

(BOMBALURINA lets out a screech and ducks behind the counter. EDDIE, FINGERS, and MARGIE stare in shock.)

FINGERS: Whoa!EDDIE: Who are you?ROBIN: Who am I? Why, I am only the greatest outlaw in the land!EDDIE: Al Capone?ROBIN: No! Robin Hood!DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with TOTO, HEIDI, TOM, POLLYANNA, and

SHERLOCK.) Boy, you really need to read more!HEIDI: Now please put mein book down! You’re making me nervous!FINGERS: I don’t like this, Eddie! Let’s get outta here!EDDIE: We ain’t goin’ nowhere! Not until we get the real necklace!

(FRANKENSTEIN ENTERS UPSTAGE with a roar.) On second thought, maybe we should get outta here! (Runs with FINGERS for the RIGHT EXIT.)

TOM: (Blocks the way with ROBIN and SHERLOCK.) Oh, no, you don’t, you big bullies! (FRANKENSTEIN stomps toward them. EDDIE and FINGERS cry out.)

EDDIE: Quick! Go the other way!FINGERS: But we don’t know where it goes!EDDIE: Who cares? It’s better than here! (Runs with FINGERS toward

the LEFT EXIT.)DOROTHY: Get ‘em, Toto! (Barking, TOTO chases after EDDIE and FINGERS.)WICKED WITCH: (ENTERS LEFT, cackling witchily. To EDDIE.) I’ll

get you, my pretty! And your little friend, too! (With a yelp, TOTO hightails it away.)

DOROTHY: Whew! I never thought I’d be glad to see you!WICKED WITCH: Yeah? Well, I still want those shoes back!EDDIE/FINGERS: (Stick up their hands.) We give up! We give up!

(FRANKENSTEIN continues stomping toward them.)

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POLLYANNA: No assistance, Book Fairy! Mr. Holmes was just explaining to me why we can’t open a lemonade stand, only he hadn’t gotten to that part yet.

BOOK FAIRY: A lemonade stand? Oh, no, no, no, no! That’s simply out of the question! You know the rules I laid down for you when I gave you the gift of life.

BOOK CHARACTERS: Yes, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: Well, maybe we should go over them one more time—ROBIN: (To SHERLOCK.) You had to open your big mouth.BOOK FAIRY: Can anyone tell me the first rule?POLLYANNA: (Raises her hand.) Ooh! Ooh! I can! I can!BOOK FAIRY: Yes, Pollyanna?POLLYANNA: Rule number one—No leaving the bookshop!BOOK FAIRY: Actually, you’re not allowed to leave the building. Miss

Margie’s apartment is right upstairs, and while I don’t recommend going up there, it is fair territory.

POLLYANNA: Good to know, Book Fairy!BOOK FAIRY: And the second rule? Anyone?POLLYANNA: (Raises her hand.) Ooh! Ooh! Call on me! Call on me!BOOK FAIRY: Anyone else? Please? (SHERLOCK raises his hand.) Yes,

you, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: Rule number two—We must never permit ourselves to be

seen or in any way perceived by human beings.BOOK FAIRY: A little wordy, but correct.TOM: Rules are dumb.HEIDI: But, Thomas, if it veren’t for ze rules, ve vouldn’t be here at all.BOOK FAIRY: That’s right, Heidi. You’ve got to realize I went way out

on a limb for you guys. I mean, book characters are supposed to come to life the normal way—by being read.

ROBIN: Here it comes…BOOK FAIRY: But when I realized that was unlikely to happen here, I

decided to step in.DOROTHY: We know, Book Fairy, and we’re all very grateful. But can’t

you make an exception just this once?BOOK FAIRY: Absolutely not! I mean, can you imagine what chaos it

would cause if the humans saw you cavorting around? No, I have to insist. If you break either of the two rules, you’ll disappear into your books forever.

TOM: How’s that supposed to work?

MARGIE: Oh, you don’t want to read that one. How about a book like Crime Never Pays or Twenty Thousand Years in Sing Sing?

EDDIE: No. It’s got to be the vegetable book. There’s a recipe I’m really interested in. It involves a lot of ice.

FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. I don’t think ice is a vegetable.EDDIE: Shaddap! You’re ruinin’ my metaphor! (Picks up the book with

the lock from the counter.) Ah, here it is.MARGIE: Wait! Let me explain—EDDIE: No explanation is necessary. Either the necklace is here or it

ain’t. (Opens the book, pulls out a “fake” diamond necklace.) Well, well, well. Lookie here. Book Lady decided to return the necklace after all.

MARGIE: What? Oh, yes! Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I?EDDIE: Come on, Fingers. Let’s take these rocks to the boss.FINGERS: What happened to the ice?EDDIE: Ice. Rocks. It’s all the same thing.FINGERS: You know somethin’, Eddie? Some days you don’t make

any sense at all. (EXITS RIGHT with EDDIE, taking the fake necklace and the book with the lock.)

MARGIE: Whew! That was a close one, Bombalurina. I don’t know how the necklace got in there, but I’m glad it did. Now I finally have a chance to fix that Sherlock Holmes book. (Grabs the Sherlock Holmes book from the counter.) Well, that’s odd. It looks perfectly fine. I could have sworn the spine was broken.

EDDIE: (Bursts IN RIGHT with FINGERS.) Hey, what’s the big idea?MARGIE: Why? What do you mean?EDDIE: (Holds up the fake necklace.) This ain’t the necklace we was

looking for. These rocks is fake. (Breathes on the diamonds.) See? They fog up when I breathe on ‘em. (Tosses the fake necklace and the book with the lock on the counter.) What happened to the real necklace?

MARGIE: I don’t know! I never had it!EDDIE: Tryin’ to pull a fast one, are ya? Well, we’ll see about that. Fingers?FINGERS: What book should I start with?EDDIE: I don’t care. Just pick one.FINGERS: (Grabs a book from the shelf.) How about Mary Poppins?EDDIE: Whatever. (FINGERS tears pages out of the book.)MARGIE: No! Stop!EDDIE: Are you gonna tell us where the real necklace is?MARGIE: I already told you! I don’t know where it is!

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BOOK FAIRY: I don’t know, but it won’t be good. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I need to go look for Scarlett O’Hara. I understand she’s missing.

HEIDI: Oh, no! Vat happened to her?BOOK FAIRY: What do you think? She’s gone with the wind. (EXITS

UPSTAGE. BOMBALURINA ENTERS LEFT, creeps toward ROBIN.)TOM: Can you believe that Book Fairy? She sounds like an old schoolmarm!POLLYANNA: I know! Isn’t she wonderful? (Like a flash, BOMBALURINA

grabs ROBIN’S hat and runs OFF.)ROBIN: Stop, thief!TOM: (Chases after BOMBALURINA, but misses her.) Sorry, Mr. Hood.

I thought I had her.HEIDI: Was ist los? (German pronunciation: “Vas ist los?”)ROBIN: Was ist los? This is los! I mean, this is the matter! (Points at

his head.) That foul feline stole my hat!DOROTHY: Wait a minute. Don’t you steal from the rich?ROBIN: What? Oh, uh, sure. But that’s different. I give everything I

steal to the poor.DOROTHY: So it’s okay to steal as long as you don’t keep the stuff

for yourself?ROBIN: Yes! Well, not exactly. I mean, it’s complicated.DOROTHY: Not as complicated as you make it out to be.TOM: I wouldn’t talk, Dorothy. Didn’t you swipe the wicked witch’s shoes?DOROTHY: What? No! The good witch gave them to me!TOM: Oh. So it’s okay to keep somethin’ that was swiped as long as

somebody else did the swipin’?DOROTHY: If the person’s dead, it’s not swiping! (Continues bickering

with TOM. Soon, EVERYONE but POLLYANNA joins in.)POLLYANNA: (Shouts.) Quiet! (ALL stop and stare at her, stunned

by the outburst. Takes a moment to compose herself.) Look, I’m glad you’re all so passionate about this subject, but I think you’re forgetting something.

ROBIN: My hat?POLLYANNA: No! We need to figure out a way to save the store!TOM: Oh, yeah.ROBIN: Now I remember.POLLYANNA: So what do you think? How can we help? (EVERYONE

looks at each other, then they all start bickering again. Throws up her hands in defeat.) Why do I even try? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

SHERLOCK: Dorothy, I admire your courage and I know you have only the best intentions, but you must accept the facts. Without the necklace, there’s nothing we can do to help Miss Margie.

DOROTHY: I suppose you’re right.SHERLOCK: Of course I’m right. I’m Sherlock Holmes.BOOK FAIRY: Now please, let’s get a move on. Miss Margie will be

coming downstairs any second! (EVERYONE but QUEEN OF HEARTS and LONG JOHN EXITS UPSTAGE.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Would you like to join me in a game of croquet?LONG JOHN: As long as I can use me wooden leg. (Makes a stiff-

legged kick. QUEEN OF HEARTS laughs.)BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Are you still here? Come on! We’ve

got to hit the road!LONG JOHN: All right! All right!QUEEN OF HEARTS: You and that White Rabbit! Always in such a rush!BOOK FAIRY: (Steers QUEEN OF HEARTS and LONG JOHN OFFSTAGE.

To herself.) Why didn’t I listen to my mother and go into an easier field, like teeth? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The next day. Exhausted, BOMBALURINA shuffles in LEFT and collapses into bed. As soon as she does, MARGIE hurries IN RIGHT. BOMBALURINA groans.MARGIE: Oh, Bombalurina! What am I going to do? I’ve been to every

jewelry store in town and none of them have the right necklace!BOMBALURINA: Meow meow! Meow meow meow!MARGIE: What’s that? You want me to lock the door?BOMBALURINA: Meow!MARGIE: Ooh, that’s good. Maybe if it looks like we went out of

business, those hoodlums will go away. (Goes to the RIGHT EXIT to try to lock the door.)

EDDIE: (Saunters IN just then with FINGERS.) It’s a little early to be closin’ up shop, ain’t it?

MARGIE: What? Oh, uh, not at all! It’s National Book Lovers Day! You know, the day people all over the country stay home and read a book!

EDDIE: Hey, that sounds like a great idea. And I know just the book I’d like to read. It’s a book about vegetables.

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ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The next day. MARGIE and BOMBALURINA ENTER LEFT. MARGIE unlocks the door at STAGE RIGHT.MARGIE: Look, Bombalurina! It’s a brand-new day! A day filled with

infinite possibilities! Why, today might be the day our business finally turns around! (LADY IN RED ENTERS RIGHT, holding a book with a lock on it. She looks around suspiciously.) See, Bombalurina? We have a customer already! (BOMBALURINA hisses. MARGIE goes to LADY IN RED.) Good morning! I’m so glad you’re here!

LADY IN RED: A Likely Story.MARGIE: No, really! We appreciate all our customers!LADY IN RED: No, I mean that’s the name of your store. A Likely Story.MARGIE: What? Oh, right. (Laughs nervously.) I forgot.LADY IN RED: (Examines the bookshelves.) Tell me, do you do a lot of

business here?MARGIE: Oh, yes! We sell oodles and oodles of books! Well, maybe

not oodles. A couple of books here and there.LADY IN RED: Interesting. Very interesting. (Examines the bookshelves

some more.) And do you have people come in and look through the books? You know, without buying anything?

MARGIE: Oh, sure. We get the occasional looky-loo. But not very often.LADY IN RED: Fascinating. Simply fascinating. And what about police?MARGIE: What about police?LADY IN RED: Do they come in? Nose around at all?MARGIE: Oh, no. The police wouldn’t be interested in this place.

Nothing much really happens here.LADY IN RED: Excellent. Excellent. You’re just what I’m looking for.MARGIE: Is there a particular book you’d like to buy?LADY IN RED: What? Oh, no. I’m here to sell a book.MARGIE: Oh. (Disappointed.)LADY IN RED: You do buy books, don’t you?MARGIE: Well, yes, but I prefer to sell them. I make more money that way.LADY IN RED: Oh, but you’ll want to buy this book. It was left to me by

my great-great-great-grandfather. He was a general in the Civil War. (Hands MARGIE the book.)

MARGIE: (Reads the cover.) 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family Will Love?LADY IN RED: Oh, yes. You should see some of the recipes.MARGIE: Well, sure, I’d love to. But there’s one teensy little problem.LADY IN RED: What’s that?

DOLITTLE: Indeed, madam. I am.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Well, do I look like an animal to you?DOLITTLE: No, but you don’t look quite human either.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Of course not! I’m a playing card!LONG JOHN: What kind of doctor do you want to see, then?QUEEN OF HEARTS: What else? A cardiologist!SHERLOCK: (Looks in BOMBALURINA’S bed.) By Jove!HEIDI: Vat is it, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: There’s a veritable treasure trove of pilfered items in this

cat bed. (EVERYONE rushes over.)ROBIN: My hat!TOM: My lucky rabbit’s foot!HEIDI: Mein locket!ROBIN: I knew the beast was a thief!DOROTHY: (Sarcastic.) Oh, I don’t know. Maybe she was planning on

giving this all to the poor.HEIDI: Vell, I’m poor, so I’m taking zis all back! (Grabs the items and

hands them back to their owners.)TOM: (Pockets the rabbit’s foot.) Thanks, Heidi.ROBIN: (Puts on his hat.) At last, I feel like myself again!HEIDI: (Puts on her locket.) Zat cat better not steal anything else.SHERLOCK: Great Scott! What’s this? (Grabs the note from the cat bed.)DOROTHY: That’s the note we wrote to Miss Margie!ROBIN: No wonder she didn’t know those villains would return. She

never saw the note!DOROTHY: Is the diamond necklace there?SHERLOCK: Not that I can see.DOROTHY: Then where did it go?SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Dorothy. (The other BOOK

CHARACTERS look to SHERLOCK as though expecting some great announcement.) I have no idea. (The BOOK CHARACTERS sag.)

BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) What are you all doing here? It’s almost daybreak!

POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! We have to return to our books!DOROTHY: No! We have to stay and help Miss Margie fight those thugs!BOOK FAIRY: Are you crazy? If anyone sees you, you’re going to

disappear forever!HEIDI: Ach du lieber! I don’t vant to disappear!DOROTHY: But we can’t just leave! Miss Margie needs us!

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MARGIE: The book has a lock on it. (Holds up the book.)LADY IN RED: So it does. So it does.MARGIE: Do you have the key?LADY IN RED: Let me see. (Pats herself all over.) No. I sure don’t.MARGIE: Then how am I supposed to know what’s in it?LADY IN RED: Oh, I can tell you. On page one, there’s a nice

ratatouille. Then on page two, there’s a green bean casserole that’s out of this world…

MARGIE: Well, that’s great and everything, but are you going to go home with whoever buys this book so you can tell them what’s in it?

LADY IN RED: Oh, I see the difficulty. Yes. Yes. That would be very awkward.

MARGIE: I suppose I could try to break the lock.LADY IN RED: Oh, no! You must never do that!MARGIE: Why?LADY IN RED: Because this book is priceless! My great-great-great-

grandfather would be devastated if anything happened to it!MARGIE: You mean he’s still alive?LADY IN RED: I suppose not. But I don’t want to take any chances.MARGIE: Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t buy this book.LADY IN RED: Not even a little bit?MARGIE: Not even one little corner.LADY IN RED: (Takes the book and starts to leave.) My great-great-

great-grandfather will be very disappointed.MARGIE: I’m sure he’ll get over it.LADY IN RED: (Stops.) You know, on second thought, maybe I will buy

a book.MARGIE: Wonderful! What kind of book would you like?LADY IN RED: Oh, you know. One with a cover. And some words inside.MARGIE: Okay… (Turns to look through the shelves.) Let’s see. Moby

Dick is an excellent book. And I just adore Robinson Crusoe. Oh, and you can’t go wrong with Little Women.

LADY IN RED: Fine, fine. I’ll take them all.MARGIE: Really? That’s great! (Starts to get the books down. LADY

IN RED sticks her book on a bottom shelf and ducks OUT RIGHT.) I really think you’re going to— (Turns to find LADY IN RED is gone.) Miss? Miss? (Looks around.) Bombalurina, did you see where that lady went? (BOMBALURINA shakes her head.) Well, that’s odd. It’s almost as if she didn’t want the books at all. Oh, well. We’ve still got the whole day ahead of us. Maybe someone else will come

DOROTHY: You’re scaring her. Let me talk to her.DOLITTLE: I speak fluent cat. I’ll talk to her. (Stopped by the wall

behind her, BOMBALURINA looks around with wild eyes.)ROBIN: Tell her we’re looking for a diamond necklace.DOLITTLE: Bombalurina, meow meow meow meow.DOROTHY: Tell her if we don’t find it, those thugs will destroy all

the books.DOLITTLE: Meow meow meow meow meow.BOMBALURINA: Meow meow.DOLITTLE: She says she doesn’t have it.SHERLOCK: Ask her if she’s laid eyes on it anywhere.DOLITTLE: Meow meow meow?BOMBALURINA: Meow meow meow meow.DOLITTLE: She says she hasn’t seen it either.LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) If the scurvy beast won’t tell ye,

make her walk the plank!DOROTHY: We don’t have a plank. We’re in a bookshop.QUEEN OF HEARTS: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Off with her head then!

(BOMBALURINA screeches, runs away, and EXITS LEFT.)DOLITTLE: I dare say, madam, you’ve frightened her off!SHERLOCK: It’s just as well. Bombalurina would never admit to the

crime anyway.DOROTHY: Oh, please. Bombalurina didn’t steal the necklace. It’s not

like her to steal something so valuable.ROBIN: Then what happened to it?DOROTHY: I—I don’t know.TOM: I’ll bet she hid it around here somewheres.ROBIN: Good point, lad. Let’s spread out. If the necklace is in this

room, one of us is sure to find it. (With HEIDI, TOM, POLLYANNA, and SHERLOCK, they spread out, looking for the necklace.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS: You know, it would save time if we just chopped off everyone’s heads.

LONG JOHN: I say chop off their heads, then make them walk the plank.DOLITTLE: I’m afraid that’s a physical impossibility, my good man.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Well, someone ought to lose a head!DOLITTLE: You know, I’m a little concerned about your preoccupation

with violence. It may be a sign of something more serious. Can you stop by my office next week for a consultation?

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Wait. Aren’t you an animal doctor?

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in. (Puts the books away. She yawns.) Oh, Bombalurina! I’m so tired! Your snoring kept waking me up last night. Would you mind sleeping down here tonight?

BOMBALURINA: (Frantically shakes her head.) Meow! Meow!MARGIE: Oh, you’ll be fine. It’s a lot quieter down here anyway. I’ll even

get your favorite pillow for you. (EXITS LEFT. BOMBALURINA turns to AUDIENCE and heaves a huge sigh. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA sleeps in her bed, snoring. Robin’s hat is by her side. TOM and ROBIN creep IN from the hidden EXIT behind the counter. TOM has a slingshot. ROBIN has a bow with an arrow.ROBIN: Have you spotted the villain yet, lad?TOM: Sure have! She’s sawin’ logs somethin’ fierce!ROBIN: Very good. Let us advance quietly. We don’t want to wake

her. (They creep toward BOMBALURINA. When they get close, they stop and aim their weapons.) All right now. On the count of three. One. Two—

POLLYANNA: (Bursts IN UPSTAGE.) Hey, what are you up to? (BOMBALURINA wakes up, screeches, grabs the hat and runs OFF LEFT. ROBIN is so startled he drops his arrow.)

TOM: Confound it, Pollyanna! You done scared her off!ROBIN: And just when we were about to spring our attack!DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with HEIDI and SHERLOCK.) Don’t tell

me you were going to hurt that poor kitty!TOM: (Hides slingshot behind his back.) What? Oh, uh, no! Of course not!ROBIN: (Hides bow behind his back.) We wouldn’t dream of it!DOROTHY: Then why is there an arrow on the floor?ROBIN: An arrow? What arrow?DOROTHY: That arrow.ROBIN: Fine. So maybe I did aim my bow at the beast. But I didn’t

mean to hurt her. I only wanted to take back what is rightfully mine.HEIDI: You mean your silly hat?ROBIN: It’s not silly. I find it rather dashing.DOROTHY: This from a guy who wears pajamas all day.ROBIN: (Picks up his arrow and notices the new book.) Hallo!

What’s this?HEIDI: I sink zat’s your arrow, Mr. Hood.

DOLITTLE: I’m sure it is. After all, you have a broken spine.DOROTHY: Is there anything you can do for him, Doctor?DOLITTLE: I’m afraid not, Dorothy. Whenever one of my regular patients

breaks their spine, I usually put them to sleep.DOROTHY: Put them to sleep? But that’s horrible! Isn’t that what you

do to horses?DOLITTLE: Precisely.TOM: That’s what we get for callin’ Doctor Dolittle.DOROTHY: You know, Mr. Holmes, I think I can fix your spine with just

a few drops of glue.SHERLOCK: It’s going to take a lot more than glue to mend this back,

Dorothy.DOROTHY: I’m not going to put the glue on your back. I’m going to put

it on your book. (Goes to the counter, grabs the book and a bottle of glue.) Like this. (Pours a few drops of glue inside the spine of the book.) There we go.

SHERLOCK: (Sits up.) You know something, Dorothy? I feel better already.

DOROTHY: Are you sure?SHERLOCK: (Stands.) Oh, yes. In fact, I’m quite back to normal.POLLYANNA: Yay! I knew you’d get well!ROBIN: And not a moment too soon!HEIDI: Vat do you mean?ROBIN: Didn’t you hear? The necklace is missing. If it isn’t back by the

time those villains return, they’re going to destroy all the books!HEIDI: Oh, no! I don’t vant my shpine to be gebrochen-schnappen!SHERLOCK: It’s worse than that, Heidi. Those scoundrels are liable

to tear us page from page! No one will ever be able to put us back together!

HEIDI: Ach du lieber!DOROTHY: Can’t Miss Margie get the necklace back from the police?SHERLOCK: Ah, there’s the rub. Miss Margie didn’t give the necklace

to the police. She never had it in the first place.DOROTHY: Then what happened to it?SHERLOCK: I can’t say for certain, but I suggest we question the

one creature whom we know to be a thief. (EVERYONE turns to BOMBALURINA.)

BOOK CHARACTERS: Bombalurina! (Terrified, BOMBALURINA starts to back away.)

ROBIN: Stop! We want to talk to you!

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ROBIN: I don’t mean the arrow. I mean this book. (Removes the locked book from the bottom shelf.) I’ve never laid eyes on it before.

DOROTHY: 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family Will Love?HEIDI: Sounds like a cookbook.POLLYANNA: Open it up, Mr. Hood!ROBIN: Alas! I wish I could, but the book has a lock on it.SHERLOCK: What? Let me see that. (ROBIN hands him the book.) Well,

that’s rather peculiar. A lock is normally used to secure something of value.

TOM: Yuck! What’s so valuable about some ol’ vegetable recipes?SHERLOCK: My point exactly. There must be more than recipes inside.

A treasure map, perhaps. Or a secret message.POLLYANNA: Now we have to open it!HEIDI: But how? Ve don’t have ze key.TOM: If I had my pocketknife, I could bust it open!HEIDI: It’s a good thing you don’t! You could hurt ze poor book!DOROTHY: Tom, do you have anything else we could use?TOM: Let me see. (Removes the items one by one from his pockets

and sets them on the counter.) Three marbles. Two pennies. Some string. A magnifyin’ glass. And a dead beetle.

HEIDI/POLLYANNA: Ewww!SHERLOCK: It doesn’t take a detective to know that none of these

items will be effective.DOROTHY: What about you, Mr. Hood? Do you have anything in

your pockets?ROBIN: I’m from the Middle Ages. I don’t even know what a pocket is.SHERLOCK: If I had a long thin piece of metal, I could fashion myself

a lock pick.POLLYANNA: I have a hairpin you could use! (Removes a hairpin and

hands it to SHERLOCK.)SHERLOCK: Thank you, Pollyanna. This should prove most helpful.

(Unbends the hairpin and sticks one end into the lock.)POLLYANNA: Be careful now!HEIDI: You don’t vant to ruin it!SHERLOCK: I’m not going to ruin it. I’m just going to insert this end

in here and— (Jiggles the pick.) Wait a moment. Perhaps if I insert it like this— (Jiggles the pick.) Oh, it’s no use! We need someone with the right experience to pick this lock.

POLLYANNA: But who, Mr. Holmes? It’s not like any of us are criminals. (ROBIN whistles innocently.)

MARGIE: No! Please! Don’t hurt that book!EDDIE: I’m not gonna hurt it. I’m just gonna bend it a little. (Bends

the book backward, cracking the spine. MARGIE cries out. Tosses the book on the floor.) Now, are you gonna give us the necklace or ain’t you?

MARGIE: Sure! I’ll give you the necklace! I just don’t have it right now!EDDIE: What happened to it?MARGIE: I had to take it somewhere! But I can get it back!EDDIE: All right. I’ll give you one day. (Holds up the book with the lock.)

If the necklace ain’t back inside this book by tomorrow, I’ll do the same thing to the rest of these books.

MARGIE: Understood.EDDIE: (Sets the book with the lock on the counter.) Come on, Fingers.

Let’s get outta here. (EXITS RIGHT with FINGERS.)MARGIE: (Rushes to pick up the damaged book.) Oh, no! They broke

the spine! And on The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, too! (Sets the damaged book on the counter. BOMBALURINA rubs up against her and purrs.) Oh, Bombalurina! There’s no time for that now. I have to try to find a necklace that looks just like this one. (Shows BOMBALURINA the photo.) Maybe if I buy it and give it to those hoodlums, they’ll think it’s the one they lost. You’ll be all right here alone, won’t you?

BOMBALURINA: (Waves her paws in an emphatic, “No!”) Meow! Meow meow meow!

MARGIE: Good. I knew I could count on you. Now remember, we take all major credit cards, but no out-of-town checks. Oh, and make sure you give each customer their receipt. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BOMBALURINA: (Follows her to the door, peers OFF RIGHT after her. Sad.) Meow? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA still peers OFF RIGHT, only now peers through binoculars. ROBIN and DOLITTLE bustle IN UPSTAGE, carrying SHERLOCK on a stretcher. DOROTHY, TOM, POLLYANNA, and HEIDI follow. Alarmed, BOMBALURINA hides past the end of the counter.DOLITTLE: Careful now! We don’t want to aggravate the injury!ROBIN: Let’s set him down here. (He and DOLITTLE set down

the stretcher.)DOLITTLE: How are you feeling, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: My back, Doctor! It’s killing me!

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SHERLOCK: I do know one person who possesses this particular skill. (Goes to the hidden EXIT.) Oh, Fagin!

DOROTHY: The pickpocket from Oliver Twist?FAGIN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) I beg your pardon, my dear, but I’m much

more than a pickpocket. I’m a criminal extraordinaire!SHERLOCK: Enough of your bluster, Fagin. I wouldn’t have invited you

here at all except I have a lock that needs picking.FAGIN: Oh, dear, dear, dear. Do you mean to say that even the great

Sherlock Holmes is in need of my felonious proclivities?SHERLOCK: Just open the lock, would you?FAGIN: Certainly I’ll open it, but first you must agree to one

minor stipulation.SHERLOCK: And what might that be?FAGIN: I get half of whatever’s inside.DOROTHY: But Mr. Fagin, we don’t even know what’s in there!TOM: I’ll bet it’s a treasure map! (OTHERS turn to shush TOM.)FAGIN: (Smiles.) Then, I want half of the treasure, or you shan’t reap

the benefit of my talents.SHERLOCK: One quarter and only if the treasure can be easily divided.FAGIN: What? You must take me for a fool!SHERLOCK: (Grabs FAGIN and calls OFFSTAGE.) Oh, Mr. Fang! I have

the thief you’ve been searching for!FAGIN: (Tears himself away.) Fine! Fine! I’ll pick the lock, but I do so

under protest!ROBIN: Do it any way you like. Just do it! (FAGIN pulls out a lock pick

and starts to work on the lock.)POLLYANNA: Are you getting it? Are you getting it?FAGIN: Silence, please. I must have absolute silence.SHERLOCK: Criminals can be quite temperamental.FAGIN: (Works in silence for a moment.) And so, as that great thief Ali

Baba said, “Open Sesame!” (Opens the book to reveal the hidden compartment inside. EVERYONE gasps.)

DOROTHY: Why, it’s not a book at all! It’s a place to hide valuables!FAGIN: (Removes a diamond necklace from the book.) And what a

valuable! A diamond necklace!SHERLOCK: Hand it over, Fagin!FAGIN: But you said I could have half!SHERLOCK: I said a quarter and only if the item could be easily

divided. (Grabs the necklace away.) Clearly, this necklace cannot.

MARGIE: Good morning, Bombalurina! I trust we didn’t have any burglars last night? (BOMBALURINA shakes her head.) Good. I feel so much safer knowing you’re down here guarding the store. (Goes to unlock the front door. Finds that it’s already unlocked.) Well, that’s odd. I could have sworn I locked this door last night. I guess I was so flustered by those two hoodlums, I forgot. (Goes behind the counter.) Oh, well. It’s a brand-new day. Time to put all that behind us.

EDDIE: (ENTERS RIGHT with FINGERS. BOMBALURINA hisses.) Well, well, well. If it ain’t the book lady.

MARGIE: I thought I told you two to get out of here.EDDIE: I don’t know. You might have said that. The thing is, we don’t

hear so good. Do we, Fingers?FINGERS: Huh?EDDIE: See?MARGIE: What do you want?EDDIE: Oh, not much. Just a little somethin’ that belongs to us.

Somethin’ you seem to think is yours.MARGIE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.EDDIE: Show her, Fingers.FINGERS: (Pulls out a photo.) Did you take this?MARGIE: What? The picture?FINGERS: No! The necklace that’s in the picture.MARGIE: (Grabs the photo and looks it over.) I’ve never seen it before

in my life.EDDIE: Come on. We know you found a diamond necklace inside that

cookbook and decided to keep it for yourself.MARGIE: I didn’t. I swear I didn’t.FINGERS: Playin’ dumb, huh? Well, maybe you’ll get some smarts if

we rough you up a little.MARGIE: Rough me up all you want. I don’t have the necklace.EDDIE: That ain’t no good, Fingers. If you want her to hand over

the goods, you got to threaten her about somethin’ she really cares about.

FINGERS: Like what?EDDIE: Like books.MARGIE: Wait. What do you mean?EDDIE: (To FINGERS.) You saw how upset she got when we dropped a

couple of books on the floor. Just think what she’ll do if we rough up one of her books. (Grabs a book from the shelf.)

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FAGIN: It’s not fair, I say! Not fair! I did a dishonest day’s work! I expect a dishonest day’s pay!

SHERLOCK: Come, Robin. Help me get rid of this thief before he tries to steal something else.

ROBIN: For once, I’m glad I don’t have any pockets to pick. (Helps SHERLOCK hustle FAGIN toward the hidden EXIT.)

FAGIN: (Scoops TOM’S pennies off the counter as they go.) Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! Always cheated out of my unfair share! (SHERLOCK and ROBIN shove him OFFSTAGE.)

TOM: (Searches the counter.) Hey! He swiped my pennies! (EXITS UPSTAGE, going after FAGIN.)

SHERLOCK: (Examines the necklace.) A curious thing indeed.DOROTHY: Who hid it there, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: I can’t say for certain. But I do know one thing. This

necklace was stolen.POLLYANNA: Wow! What clue tipped you off?DOROTHY: Did you find a suspicious hair inside the compartment?HEIDI: Or a fingerprint on ze clasp?SHERLOCK: Not at all. I saw a story about it on the news.ROBIN: Alas! If Miss Margie gets caught with a stolen necklace, she’ll

be thrown in jail for sure!DOROTHY: We have to warn her!POLLYANNA: But how?HEIDI: (Points OFF DOWNSTAGE.) Ach du lieber! Look! Sunlight is

coming srough ze vindow!POLLYANNA: Hurry! We have to clean this place up!SHERLOCK: We don’t have time. Miss Margie will be coming down

the stairs soon.HEIDI: Zat’s right! If she catches even a glimpse of us, ve vill all

be kaput!POLLYANNA: But we made such a mess!SHERLOCK: Leave it. When Miss Margie finds the necklace, she’ll

know what to do.HEIDI: Come on! Ve have to shkedaddle! (ALL EXIT UPSTAGE.)LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE. To the parrot on his shoulder.) Well,

Captain Flint, it’s about time those scalawags abandoned ship. Now we can see if they left any booty. (Goes to the counter and picks up the necklace.) Well, shiver me timbers! A necklace made of the finest diamonds! What do you think I should do with it, Captain Flint? (Puts his ear to the parrot’s beak.) A most excellent

ROBIN: Ah, but who shall serve as scribe?TOM: Don’t look at me. It sounds too much like schoolwork.POLLYANNA: I’ll write it! I have the best penmanship in my class!TOM: (Rolls his eyes.) Of course you do.POLLYANNA: (Grabs a pen and notepad from the counter.) I’m ready!SHERLOCK: Very good. Now write down exactly what I say. (Dictates.)

Dear Miss Margie, we do not wish to alarm you…ROBIN: Have you gone mad? Of course, we wish to alarm her! That’s

the whole point of writing the note!POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Dear Miss Margie, we wish to alarm you…SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) As there are a pair of scofflaws…ROBIN: The word is ruffians.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Bad guys.SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) Who shall return tomorrow for a diamond

necklace they misplaced.ROBIN: Mislaid.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Lost.SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) Be on your guard as they may cause you a

grievous affliction.ROBIN: Great injury.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Harm.SHERLOCK: Do you have it all?POLLYANNA: I think so.SHERLOCK: Excellent. Now leave it there on the counter. Miss Margie

will be certain to see it in the morning. (The BOOK CHARACTERS start to leave.)

ROBIN: I think that was rather well-written, don’t you?SHERLOCK: Well, it’s not as gripping as an Arthur Conan Doyle story,

but it’ll do. (The BOOK CHARACTERS EXIT UPSTAGE. A relieved BOMBALURINA ENTERS LEFT with her pillow. As she passes the counter, she sees the note. Looking around to make sure no one’s watching, she takes the note and stashes it in her bed, where she promptly falls asleep. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP: The next day. BOMBALURINA sleeps in her bed. As MARGIE ENTERS LEFT, BOMBALURINA stretches and yawns, having finally gotten a good night’s sleep.

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plan. Those scalawags will never miss it! (Laughs evilly, pockets the necklace, and EXITS UPSTAGE. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP: The next day. A weary BOMBALURINA pokes her head into the room from OFF LEFT. Seeing no one around, she tiptoes IN and falls into bed.MARGIE: (Bursts IN LEFT.) Wake up, Bombalurina! It’s a brand-new day!

A day filled with infinite possibilities! Why, today might be the day our business finally turns around! (Unlocks the STAGE RIGHT door. BOMBALURINA sits up, bleary-eyed, sees the mess on the counter, rushes over to clean it up and closes the book with the lock.) What are you doing? (BOMBALURINA stretches out arms, blocking her view of the mess.) Are you hiding something from me? (BOMBALURINA shakes head.) Come on. Let me see. (Reluctantly, BOMBALURINA steps aside. She gasps.) Oh, Bombalurina! Why did you steal all these things? (BOMBALURINA claps a paw to forehead.) If you’re not careful, one of these days the police are going to come right through that door and arrest you! (OFFICER KETCHUM ENTERS RIGHT. BOMBALURINA lets out a screech.) I didn’t mean it!

OFFICER KETCHUM: Didn’t mean what?MARGIE: That you’d arrest Bombalurina!OFFICER KETCHUM: Bombalurina? That’s a rather unusual name for

a cook. Wait. Not cook. I meant crook. That’s an unusual name for a crook.

MARGIE: You’re not going to lock her up, are you?OFFICER KETCHUM: Of course I’m going to lock her up! I can’t let

hardened criminals run around willy-nilly! Well, maybe I can let them run around willy. But I certainly can’t let them run around nilly! Now where is the miscreant?

MARGIE: What do you mean where is she? She’s right here. (Indicates BOMBALURINA.)

OFFICER KETCHUM: What? Behind the cat?MARGIE: No. She is the cat.OFFICER KETCHUM: You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not going to arrest

a cat!MARGIE: Then why are you here? (Looks around.)OFFICER KETCHUM: Don’t tell anyone, but I’m after a gang of

jewel thieves.MARGIE: (Gasps.) Jewel thieves?

FINGERS: Because I’m holdin’ it right now.EDDIE: What? Let me see that. (Goes over to FINGERS.) That’s the

book, all right. (Opens the unlocked book.) And see? There’s the secret compartment.

FINGERS: Yeah, but where’s the necklace?EDDIE: Look around. Maybe it fell out. (He and FINGERS search the

store.) Well, if it’s here, I ain’t seein’ it.FINGERS: Maybe it’s invisible.EDDIE: You meatball! The boss ain’t goin’ to have us smuggle an

invisible necklace! How would he know we delivered it to him?FINGERS: How would he know we didn’t?EDDIE: Ah, you got bats in your belfry! (Thinks.) Hey, now that I think

about it, that book lady was actin’ kind of suspicious-like. I’ll bet she picked the lock and kept the necklace for herself.

FINGERS: What are we gonna do?EDDIE: What do you think we’re gonna do? We’re gonna come back

tomorrow and make her hand over the necklace. Now let’s scram! (The THIEVES start for STAGE RIGHT. TOM pokes his head out from behind the counter and shoots his slingshot. Slaps the back of his neck.) Ow! (Swats FINGERS.) What did you do that for?

FINGERS: What are you talkin’ about? I didn’t do nothin’! (EXITS RIGHT with EDDIE, still bickering.)

HEIDI: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with ROBIN, SHERLOCK, and POLLYANNA.) Oh, zis is bad! Zis is very, very bad!

ROBIN: I know Miss Margie like I know the back of my perfectly muscled hand. She would never steal a necklace.

SHERLOCK: Perhaps she recognized that the necklace was stolen and turned it over to the proper authorities.

DOROTHY: But if she doesn’t have the necklace when those thugs come back, they might do something terrible!

ROBIN: Have no fear! I am the finest swordsman in all England! I shall cut them to ribbons!

DOROTHY: That won’t work. We can’t let ourselves be seen.POLLYANNA: I know! We could leave Miss Margie a note!TOM: (Sarcastic.) Oh, sure. And we’ll sign it, “From the characters

inside your books.”HEIDI: Thomas is right! Ve can’t give ourselves avay!DOROTHY: No, but we could sign it, “From a concerned friend.” Miss

Margie will never know it came from us.SHERLOCK: A brilliant suggestion, Dorothy.

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OFFICER KETCHUM: Shhh! Keep it down!MARGIE: (Softer.) Jewel thieves?OFFICER KETCHUM: Who told you?MARGIE: You did.OFFICER KETCHUM: Well, keep it under your hat. Wait. Forget that.

You’re not wearing a hat. I’ll keep it under my hat. (Lifts his hat and pretends to place something under it.)

MARGIE: Do you know what the thieves look like?OFFICER KETCHUM: No. All I know is they’ve been stealing diamonds

from a number of jewelry stores, then smuggling them out of the country, only I don’t know how they’re smuggling them.

MARGIE: Oh, how exciting! It’s just like a mystery novel!OFFICER KETCHUM: This is nothing like a mystery novel, ma’am. This

is serious. Why, your very knife could be in danger!MARGIE: What?OFFICER KETCHUM: Did I say knife? Sorry. I meant life. Your very life

could be in danger.MARGIE: Oh, dear!OFFICER KETCHUM: Have you seen any suspicious activity lately?MARGIE: Well, I did have a very well-dressed young woman come in

and try to sell me a book that she couldn’t unlock.OFFICER KETCHUM: I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about

thieves! I’m talking about criminals! I’m talking about people with bad teeth and horrible scars!

MARGIE: I thought you didn’t know what they looked like.OFFICER KETCHUM: All criminals have bad teeth and horrible scars!MARGIE: All right. I’ll keep a lookout for them.OFFICER KETCHUM: You do that. After all, it’s citizens like you who

are the mouth and stomach of the police force.MARGIE: Don’t you mean the eyes and ears of the police force?OFFICER KETCHUM: Not when it’s this close to lunch. I’m starving!

(EXITS RIGHT.)MARGIE: Did you hear that, Bombalurina? Jewel thieves! Oh, how

I wish they’d come here! I’d give them a good drubbing with my quarterstaff, just like Robin Hood used to do! Oho! (Pretends to hold quarterstaff and fight off the thieves. Embarrassed, BOMBALURINA buries head in paws. MARGIE returns to the counter.) Oh, well. I suppose I’d better get these things out of the way. But first thing tomorrow, I want you to return them to whomever you stole them from! (Leaves the book with the lock on the counter, picks up the

EDDIE: I don’t know. Why don’t you start lookin’ on that side of the store? I’ll look over here. (FINGERS goes to the other side of the store.) And this time, make sure you put the books back where you found them. We don’t want book lady to know we was here.

FINGERS: You got it, Eddie. (She and EDDIE start to look through the books. TOM sticks his head out from behind the counter. Taking careful aim, he shoots his slingshot at her. She slaps the back of her neck.) Ow!

EDDIE: What’s the matter with you?FINGERS: I just got bit by a mosquito.EDDIE: Are you crazy? There ain’t no mosquitoes in here!FINGERS: If you say so, Eddie. (She and EDDIE continue looking

through the books. Again, TOM shoots his slingshot at her. She slaps the back of her neck.) Ow!

EDDIE: What’s your problem now?FINGERS: Somethin’ bit me that ain’t a mosquito.EDDIE: Yeah, it’s called a stupid bug. Now shut yer yap! (He and

FINGERS continue to look through the books.)DOROTHY: (Sneaks IN UPSTAGE, sticks head out from behind the other

end of the counter. Whispers.) Tom!TOM: (Whispers.) What?DOROTHY: (Whispers.) I told you to put that slingshot away!TOM: (Whispers.) But I’ve got a clean shot on her! (Shoots his slingshot

at FINGERS.)FINGERS: Ow! (Slapping the back of her neck, looks around for the

culprit. TOM and DOROTHY duck behind the counter. Joins EDDIE on his side of the store.)

EDDIE: What are you doin’?FINGERS: I’m helpin’ you look for the book over here.EDDIE: Well, don’t! You’re supposed to be lookin’ on that side of the store!FINGERS: But I don’t like that side of the store. It hurts.EDDIE: If you don’t get over there right now, I’m going to hurt you myself!FINGERS: All right, Eddie. If I hafta. (Starts for the other side of the

store. The book with the lock catches her eye and she picks it up off the counter.) Hey, Eddie. Did you say the book we was lookin’ for had a lock on it?

EDDIE: Only about a million times.FINGERS: And was it called 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family

Will Love?EDDIE: Yeah. How did you know?

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rest of the items, and EXITS LEFT. EDDIE and FINGERS ENTER RIGHT. BOMBALURINA hisses.)

FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. Is this the place?EDDIE: It sure looks like the place, Fingers. I mean, it’s got books

and everything.FINGERS: I thought we was lookin’ for jewels.EDDIE: We are lookin’ for jewels, you meatball! The jewels are inside

the book!FINGERS: How’d they get in there?EDDIE: Let me go over this one more time. Step one, the Lady in Red

steals the necklace. Step two, she puts the necklace in a book. Step three, she sells the book to a used bookstore. Step four, we buy the book from the used bookstore. Step five, we give the book to the boss.

FINGERS: That’s a lot of steps.EDDIE: It’s for the boss’s protection. He don’t want the Lady in Red to

know who he is, in case she gets caught.FINGERS: Oh, okay. (Thinks.) Hey, wait a minute. What if we get caught?EDDIE: Who cares? We ain’t doin’ nothin’ illegal. We’re just buyin’

a book.FINGERS: Oh, yeah. (Looks around.) Well, there sure are a lot of books

here. How are we supposed to know which one has the jewels?EDDIE: The boss told me to look for one book in particular. He even

made me repeat the title again and again so I’d remember it.FINGERS: Oh, really? What’s the title?EDDIE: I forget. But I know the book has a lock on it.FINGERS: (Scans the bookshelves. Pulls out a book.) How about this one,

Eddie? Treasure Island. It sounds like this might have jewels in it.EDDIE: Does it have a lock?FINGERS: No.EDDIE: Then that ain’t it.MARGIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Oh! Can I help you?EDDIE: You the book lady?MARGIE: I’m the proprietor of this bookshop, yes.EDDIE: Well, my name’s Eddie and this here’s my business

partner, Fingers.MARGIE: Oh? What type of business are you in?EDDIE: Business?MARGIE: Yes. If you’re business partners, you must be in some type

of business.

away. BOMBALURINA turns to the audience and meows a sound like, “Uh-oh!” BLACKOUT.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA tosses and turns in bed. POLLYANNA, HEIDI, DOROTHY, ROBIN, TOM, and SHERLOCK ENTER UPSTAGE, all of them staggering dizzily. Annoyed, BOMBALURINA covers head with pillow.POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! What happened?HEIDI: I sink ve vent through a—vat do you call it?—tornado?DOROTHY: That was no tornado. Those thugs hurled our books to

the floor.ROBIN: I really wish people would stop doing that.TOM: I don’t know what you’re all bellyachin’ about. I thought it was fun!ROBIN: Of course, you thought it was fun. You’re just a paperback. You

had a much softer landing than we did. (BOMBALURINA gives up on falling asleep, grabs pillow, and storms OFF LEFT.)

HEIDI: Uh-oh! Did you hear zat?SHERLOCK: What is it, Heidi?HEIDI: I heard a funny sound, like a klinken-klanken!POLLYANNA: Oh, no! Somebody’s trying to break into the store!TOM: Don’t worry! I’ll chase ‘em off with my slingshot!DOROTHY: You’d better not! If the burglars see you, we’ll all disappear!SHERLOCK: Quick! We must endeavor to conceal ourselves!HEIDI: Vy doesn’t he ever shpeak English? (TOM hides behind the

counter. The other BOOK CHARACTERS EXIT UPSTAGE.)FINGERS: (ENTERS RIGHT with EDDIE.) Wow. This is the easiest break-

in we ever broke.EDDIE: That’s because we didn’t break in. Book Lady left the

door unlocked.FINGERS: Why would she do a thing like that?EDDIE: Oh, you know these book types. They read so much their

brains turn to mush.FINGERS: You got that right, Eddie. I ain’t never read a book in my life

and look at how I turned out.EDDIE: Please, I’m tryin’ not to look at you.FINGERS: So where do you think this book is at?

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EDDIE: Hey, Fingers. She wants to know what business we’re in.FINGERS: Monkey.EDDIE: Ha ha! She means we import monkeys.FINGERS: And export them. That’s right, import and export. We send

them out, and then we bring them right back.MARGIE: The same monkeys?FINGERS: Oh, yeah. Monkeys is very active creatures. They don’t like

to do a lot of sittin’ around.EDDIE: We was hopin’ you could help us find a book.MARGIE: Well, you came to the right place. I’ve got thousands

of books.EDDIE: Yeah. The thing is, we’re lookin’ for a particular book.MARGIE: What’s the name of it?EDDIE: We don’t know.MARGIE: Can you tell me what it’s about?EDDIE: (Holds hands a few inches apart.) Oh, about this big.MARGIE: No, no. I mean what’s inside. Its contents.FINGERS: Oh, jewels!MARGIE: What?EDDIE: (Swats FINGERS.) You’ll have to excuse Fingers. She means

the book is a jewel, it’s so well-written. Ain’t that right, Fingers?FINGERS: Yeah. It’s got some good words and stuff.MARGIE: Well, that’s not a lot to go on, but I’ll see what I can find.

(Removes a book from the shelf.) Could this be the book? (Hands book to EDDIE.)

EDDIE: (Opens it.) No. That ain’t it. (Hands back the book.)MARGIE: Is there something wrong with the book?EDDIE: Yeah. It opens too easily.MARGIE: It opens too easily?EDDIE: We’re lookin’ for a book that don’t open.MARGIE: Then how are you going to read it?FINGERS: Oh, we’re not goin’ to read it. We’re goin’ to smuggle it.

(EDDIE swats her.)MARGIE: What?EDDIE: Snuggle. She means we’re goin’ to snuggle it. You know, put

it close to our cheeks.MARGIE: On second thought, maybe you should just look for the

book yourself.FINGERS: We can do that?

MARGIE: Of course you can do that. Just make sure you put the books away when you’re done.

EDDIE: You got it, Book Lady. (MARGIE returns the book to the shelf and goes to busy herself behind the counter.)

FINGERS: (The THIEVES grab a couple of books.) This ain’t it.EDDIE: This ain’t it either. (They toss the books over their shoulders

and grab a couple more.)FINGERS: Nope.EDDIE: Not even close. (He and FINGERS toss those books over their

shoulders. They grab a couple more books.)FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. I’m not findin’ it.EDDIE: Well, keep lookin’. It’s got to be here.MARGIE: (Looks up to see the books on the floor. Horrified, charges out

from behind the counter.) What are you doing?EDDIE: We’re doin’ just like you said. We’re lookin’ for books.MARGIE: But you’re throwing them on the floor! I told you to put them

away when you’re done!FINGERS: Well, see, that’s the thing. We ain’t done yet. (She and

EDDIE toss the books in their hands.)MARGIE: (Grabs books off the floor.) Stop it! Don’t you know you could

damage them that way?EDDIE: They’re just books.FINGERS: Yeah. It ain’t like they got any feelings. (She and EDDIE

check a couple more books and toss them over their shoulders.)MARGIE: (Scrambles around, picking up all the books.) Get out!EDDIE: What?MARGIE: I said, get out!FINGERS: But we haven’t found what we’re lookin’ for.MARGIE: I don’t care! I can’t have you ruining my books!EDDIE: But— (BOMBALURINA arches her back and spits.)FINGERS: Uh, Eddie? I think we’d better go! (Gestures toward BOMBALURINA.)EDDIE: All right. We’ll go. But mark my words. We’ll be back! (EXITS

RIGHT with FINGERS.)MARGIE: Oh, Bombalurina! Thank you for chasing those horrible people

away! I guess you’re a lot braver than I thought! (BOMBALURINA holds herself up proudly.) In fact, you’re so brave, I’m going to have you sleep down here from now on. (BOMBALURINA makes a questioning sound.) Why, sure. After all, you heard those two brutes. They could come back at any time! (Goes to put the books

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EDDIE: Hey, Fingers. She wants to know what business we’re in.FINGERS: Monkey.EDDIE: Ha ha! She means we import monkeys.FINGERS: And export them. That’s right, import and export. We send

them out, and then we bring them right back.MARGIE: The same monkeys?FINGERS: Oh, yeah. Monkeys is very active creatures. They don’t like

to do a lot of sittin’ around.EDDIE: We was hopin’ you could help us find a book.MARGIE: Well, you came to the right place. I’ve got thousands

of books.EDDIE: Yeah. The thing is, we’re lookin’ for a particular book.MARGIE: What’s the name of it?EDDIE: We don’t know.MARGIE: Can you tell me what it’s about?EDDIE: (Holds hands a few inches apart.) Oh, about this big.MARGIE: No, no. I mean what’s inside. Its contents.FINGERS: Oh, jewels!MARGIE: What?EDDIE: (Swats FINGERS.) You’ll have to excuse Fingers. She means

the book is a jewel, it’s so well-written. Ain’t that right, Fingers?FINGERS: Yeah. It’s got some good words and stuff.MARGIE: Well, that’s not a lot to go on, but I’ll see what I can find.

(Removes a book from the shelf.) Could this be the book? (Hands book to EDDIE.)

EDDIE: (Opens it.) No. That ain’t it. (Hands back the book.)MARGIE: Is there something wrong with the book?EDDIE: Yeah. It opens too easily.MARGIE: It opens too easily?EDDIE: We’re lookin’ for a book that don’t open.MARGIE: Then how are you going to read it?FINGERS: Oh, we’re not goin’ to read it. We’re goin’ to smuggle it.

(EDDIE swats her.)MARGIE: What?EDDIE: Snuggle. She means we’re goin’ to snuggle it. You know, put

it close to our cheeks.MARGIE: On second thought, maybe you should just look for the

book yourself.FINGERS: We can do that?

MARGIE: Of course you can do that. Just make sure you put the books away when you’re done.

EDDIE: You got it, Book Lady. (MARGIE returns the book to the shelf and goes to busy herself behind the counter.)

FINGERS: (The THIEVES grab a couple of books.) This ain’t it.EDDIE: This ain’t it either. (They toss the books over their shoulders

and grab a couple more.)FINGERS: Nope.EDDIE: Not even close. (He and FINGERS toss those books over their

shoulders. They grab a couple more books.)FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. I’m not findin’ it.EDDIE: Well, keep lookin’. It’s got to be here.MARGIE: (Looks up to see the books on the floor. Horrified, charges out

from behind the counter.) What are you doing?EDDIE: We’re doin’ just like you said. We’re lookin’ for books.MARGIE: But you’re throwing them on the floor! I told you to put them

away when you’re done!FINGERS: Well, see, that’s the thing. We ain’t done yet. (She and

EDDIE toss the books in their hands.)MARGIE: (Grabs books off the floor.) Stop it! Don’t you know you could

damage them that way?EDDIE: They’re just books.FINGERS: Yeah. It ain’t like they got any feelings. (She and EDDIE

check a couple more books and toss them over their shoulders.)MARGIE: (Scrambles around, picking up all the books.) Get out!EDDIE: What?MARGIE: I said, get out!FINGERS: But we haven’t found what we’re lookin’ for.MARGIE: I don’t care! I can’t have you ruining my books!EDDIE: But— (BOMBALURINA arches her back and spits.)FINGERS: Uh, Eddie? I think we’d better go! (Gestures toward BOMBALURINA.)EDDIE: All right. We’ll go. But mark my words. We’ll be back! (EXITS

RIGHT with FINGERS.)MARGIE: Oh, Bombalurina! Thank you for chasing those horrible people

away! I guess you’re a lot braver than I thought! (BOMBALURINA holds herself up proudly.) In fact, you’re so brave, I’m going to have you sleep down here from now on. (BOMBALURINA makes a questioning sound.) Why, sure. After all, you heard those two brutes. They could come back at any time! (Goes to put the books

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rest of the items, and EXITS LEFT. EDDIE and FINGERS ENTER RIGHT. BOMBALURINA hisses.)

FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. Is this the place?EDDIE: It sure looks like the place, Fingers. I mean, it’s got books

and everything.FINGERS: I thought we was lookin’ for jewels.EDDIE: We are lookin’ for jewels, you meatball! The jewels are inside

the book!FINGERS: How’d they get in there?EDDIE: Let me go over this one more time. Step one, the Lady in Red

steals the necklace. Step two, she puts the necklace in a book. Step three, she sells the book to a used bookstore. Step four, we buy the book from the used bookstore. Step five, we give the book to the boss.

FINGERS: That’s a lot of steps.EDDIE: It’s for the boss’s protection. He don’t want the Lady in Red to

know who he is, in case she gets caught.FINGERS: Oh, okay. (Thinks.) Hey, wait a minute. What if we get caught?EDDIE: Who cares? We ain’t doin’ nothin’ illegal. We’re just buyin’

a book.FINGERS: Oh, yeah. (Looks around.) Well, there sure are a lot of books

here. How are we supposed to know which one has the jewels?EDDIE: The boss told me to look for one book in particular. He even

made me repeat the title again and again so I’d remember it.FINGERS: Oh, really? What’s the title?EDDIE: I forget. But I know the book has a lock on it.FINGERS: (Scans the bookshelves. Pulls out a book.) How about this one,

Eddie? Treasure Island. It sounds like this might have jewels in it.EDDIE: Does it have a lock?FINGERS: No.EDDIE: Then that ain’t it.MARGIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Oh! Can I help you?EDDIE: You the book lady?MARGIE: I’m the proprietor of this bookshop, yes.EDDIE: Well, my name’s Eddie and this here’s my business

partner, Fingers.MARGIE: Oh? What type of business are you in?EDDIE: Business?MARGIE: Yes. If you’re business partners, you must be in some type

of business.

away. BOMBALURINA turns to the audience and meows a sound like, “Uh-oh!” BLACKOUT.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA tosses and turns in bed. POLLYANNA, HEIDI, DOROTHY, ROBIN, TOM, and SHERLOCK ENTER UPSTAGE, all of them staggering dizzily. Annoyed, BOMBALURINA covers head with pillow.POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! What happened?HEIDI: I sink ve vent through a—vat do you call it?—tornado?DOROTHY: That was no tornado. Those thugs hurled our books to

the floor.ROBIN: I really wish people would stop doing that.TOM: I don’t know what you’re all bellyachin’ about. I thought it was fun!ROBIN: Of course, you thought it was fun. You’re just a paperback. You

had a much softer landing than we did. (BOMBALURINA gives up on falling asleep, grabs pillow, and storms OFF LEFT.)

HEIDI: Uh-oh! Did you hear zat?SHERLOCK: What is it, Heidi?HEIDI: I heard a funny sound, like a klinken-klanken!POLLYANNA: Oh, no! Somebody’s trying to break into the store!TOM: Don’t worry! I’ll chase ‘em off with my slingshot!DOROTHY: You’d better not! If the burglars see you, we’ll all disappear!SHERLOCK: Quick! We must endeavor to conceal ourselves!HEIDI: Vy doesn’t he ever shpeak English? (TOM hides behind the

counter. The other BOOK CHARACTERS EXIT UPSTAGE.)FINGERS: (ENTERS RIGHT with EDDIE.) Wow. This is the easiest break-

in we ever broke.EDDIE: That’s because we didn’t break in. Book Lady left the

door unlocked.FINGERS: Why would she do a thing like that?EDDIE: Oh, you know these book types. They read so much their

brains turn to mush.FINGERS: You got that right, Eddie. I ain’t never read a book in my life

and look at how I turned out.EDDIE: Please, I’m tryin’ not to look at you.FINGERS: So where do you think this book is at?

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OFFICER KETCHUM: Shhh! Keep it down!MARGIE: (Softer.) Jewel thieves?OFFICER KETCHUM: Who told you?MARGIE: You did.OFFICER KETCHUM: Well, keep it under your hat. Wait. Forget that.

You’re not wearing a hat. I’ll keep it under my hat. (Lifts his hat and pretends to place something under it.)

MARGIE: Do you know what the thieves look like?OFFICER KETCHUM: No. All I know is they’ve been stealing diamonds

from a number of jewelry stores, then smuggling them out of the country, only I don’t know how they’re smuggling them.

MARGIE: Oh, how exciting! It’s just like a mystery novel!OFFICER KETCHUM: This is nothing like a mystery novel, ma’am. This

is serious. Why, your very knife could be in danger!MARGIE: What?OFFICER KETCHUM: Did I say knife? Sorry. I meant life. Your very life

could be in danger.MARGIE: Oh, dear!OFFICER KETCHUM: Have you seen any suspicious activity lately?MARGIE: Well, I did have a very well-dressed young woman come in

and try to sell me a book that she couldn’t unlock.OFFICER KETCHUM: I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about

thieves! I’m talking about criminals! I’m talking about people with bad teeth and horrible scars!

MARGIE: I thought you didn’t know what they looked like.OFFICER KETCHUM: All criminals have bad teeth and horrible scars!MARGIE: All right. I’ll keep a lookout for them.OFFICER KETCHUM: You do that. After all, it’s citizens like you who

are the mouth and stomach of the police force.MARGIE: Don’t you mean the eyes and ears of the police force?OFFICER KETCHUM: Not when it’s this close to lunch. I’m starving!

(EXITS RIGHT.)MARGIE: Did you hear that, Bombalurina? Jewel thieves! Oh, how

I wish they’d come here! I’d give them a good drubbing with my quarterstaff, just like Robin Hood used to do! Oho! (Pretends to hold quarterstaff and fight off the thieves. Embarrassed, BOMBALURINA buries head in paws. MARGIE returns to the counter.) Oh, well. I suppose I’d better get these things out of the way. But first thing tomorrow, I want you to return them to whomever you stole them from! (Leaves the book with the lock on the counter, picks up the

EDDIE: I don’t know. Why don’t you start lookin’ on that side of the store? I’ll look over here. (FINGERS goes to the other side of the store.) And this time, make sure you put the books back where you found them. We don’t want book lady to know we was here.

FINGERS: You got it, Eddie. (She and EDDIE start to look through the books. TOM sticks his head out from behind the counter. Taking careful aim, he shoots his slingshot at her. She slaps the back of her neck.) Ow!

EDDIE: What’s the matter with you?FINGERS: I just got bit by a mosquito.EDDIE: Are you crazy? There ain’t no mosquitoes in here!FINGERS: If you say so, Eddie. (She and EDDIE continue looking

through the books. Again, TOM shoots his slingshot at her. She slaps the back of her neck.) Ow!

EDDIE: What’s your problem now?FINGERS: Somethin’ bit me that ain’t a mosquito.EDDIE: Yeah, it’s called a stupid bug. Now shut yer yap! (He and

FINGERS continue to look through the books.)DOROTHY: (Sneaks IN UPSTAGE, sticks head out from behind the other

end of the counter. Whispers.) Tom!TOM: (Whispers.) What?DOROTHY: (Whispers.) I told you to put that slingshot away!TOM: (Whispers.) But I’ve got a clean shot on her! (Shoots his slingshot

at FINGERS.)FINGERS: Ow! (Slapping the back of her neck, looks around for the

culprit. TOM and DOROTHY duck behind the counter. Joins EDDIE on his side of the store.)

EDDIE: What are you doin’?FINGERS: I’m helpin’ you look for the book over here.EDDIE: Well, don’t! You’re supposed to be lookin’ on that side of the store!FINGERS: But I don’t like that side of the store. It hurts.EDDIE: If you don’t get over there right now, I’m going to hurt you myself!FINGERS: All right, Eddie. If I hafta. (Starts for the other side of the

store. The book with the lock catches her eye and she picks it up off the counter.) Hey, Eddie. Did you say the book we was lookin’ for had a lock on it?

EDDIE: Only about a million times.FINGERS: And was it called 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family

Will Love?EDDIE: Yeah. How did you know?

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plan. Those scalawags will never miss it! (Laughs evilly, pockets the necklace, and EXITS UPSTAGE. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

LIGHTS UP: The next day. A weary BOMBALURINA pokes her head into the room from OFF LEFT. Seeing no one around, she tiptoes IN and falls into bed.MARGIE: (Bursts IN LEFT.) Wake up, Bombalurina! It’s a brand-new day!

A day filled with infinite possibilities! Why, today might be the day our business finally turns around! (Unlocks the STAGE RIGHT door. BOMBALURINA sits up, bleary-eyed, sees the mess on the counter, rushes over to clean it up and closes the book with the lock.) What are you doing? (BOMBALURINA stretches out arms, blocking her view of the mess.) Are you hiding something from me? (BOMBALURINA shakes head.) Come on. Let me see. (Reluctantly, BOMBALURINA steps aside. She gasps.) Oh, Bombalurina! Why did you steal all these things? (BOMBALURINA claps a paw to forehead.) If you’re not careful, one of these days the police are going to come right through that door and arrest you! (OFFICER KETCHUM ENTERS RIGHT. BOMBALURINA lets out a screech.) I didn’t mean it!

OFFICER KETCHUM: Didn’t mean what?MARGIE: That you’d arrest Bombalurina!OFFICER KETCHUM: Bombalurina? That’s a rather unusual name for

a cook. Wait. Not cook. I meant crook. That’s an unusual name for a crook.

MARGIE: You’re not going to lock her up, are you?OFFICER KETCHUM: Of course I’m going to lock her up! I can’t let

hardened criminals run around willy-nilly! Well, maybe I can let them run around willy. But I certainly can’t let them run around nilly! Now where is the miscreant?

MARGIE: What do you mean where is she? She’s right here. (Indicates BOMBALURINA.)

OFFICER KETCHUM: What? Behind the cat?MARGIE: No. She is the cat.OFFICER KETCHUM: You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not going to arrest

a cat!MARGIE: Then why are you here? (Looks around.)OFFICER KETCHUM: Don’t tell anyone, but I’m after a gang of

jewel thieves.MARGIE: (Gasps.) Jewel thieves?

FINGERS: Because I’m holdin’ it right now.EDDIE: What? Let me see that. (Goes over to FINGERS.) That’s the

book, all right. (Opens the unlocked book.) And see? There’s the secret compartment.

FINGERS: Yeah, but where’s the necklace?EDDIE: Look around. Maybe it fell out. (He and FINGERS search the

store.) Well, if it’s here, I ain’t seein’ it.FINGERS: Maybe it’s invisible.EDDIE: You meatball! The boss ain’t goin’ to have us smuggle an

invisible necklace! How would he know we delivered it to him?FINGERS: How would he know we didn’t?EDDIE: Ah, you got bats in your belfry! (Thinks.) Hey, now that I think

about it, that book lady was actin’ kind of suspicious-like. I’ll bet she picked the lock and kept the necklace for herself.

FINGERS: What are we gonna do?EDDIE: What do you think we’re gonna do? We’re gonna come back

tomorrow and make her hand over the necklace. Now let’s scram! (The THIEVES start for STAGE RIGHT. TOM pokes his head out from behind the counter and shoots his slingshot. Slaps the back of his neck.) Ow! (Swats FINGERS.) What did you do that for?

FINGERS: What are you talkin’ about? I didn’t do nothin’! (EXITS RIGHT with EDDIE, still bickering.)

HEIDI: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with ROBIN, SHERLOCK, and POLLYANNA.) Oh, zis is bad! Zis is very, very bad!

ROBIN: I know Miss Margie like I know the back of my perfectly muscled hand. She would never steal a necklace.

SHERLOCK: Perhaps she recognized that the necklace was stolen and turned it over to the proper authorities.

DOROTHY: But if she doesn’t have the necklace when those thugs come back, they might do something terrible!

ROBIN: Have no fear! I am the finest swordsman in all England! I shall cut them to ribbons!

DOROTHY: That won’t work. We can’t let ourselves be seen.POLLYANNA: I know! We could leave Miss Margie a note!TOM: (Sarcastic.) Oh, sure. And we’ll sign it, “From the characters

inside your books.”HEIDI: Thomas is right! Ve can’t give ourselves avay!DOROTHY: No, but we could sign it, “From a concerned friend.” Miss

Margie will never know it came from us.SHERLOCK: A brilliant suggestion, Dorothy.

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FAGIN: It’s not fair, I say! Not fair! I did a dishonest day’s work! I expect a dishonest day’s pay!

SHERLOCK: Come, Robin. Help me get rid of this thief before he tries to steal something else.

ROBIN: For once, I’m glad I don’t have any pockets to pick. (Helps SHERLOCK hustle FAGIN toward the hidden EXIT.)

FAGIN: (Scoops TOM’S pennies off the counter as they go.) Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! Always cheated out of my unfair share! (SHERLOCK and ROBIN shove him OFFSTAGE.)

TOM: (Searches the counter.) Hey! He swiped my pennies! (EXITS UPSTAGE, going after FAGIN.)

SHERLOCK: (Examines the necklace.) A curious thing indeed.DOROTHY: Who hid it there, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: I can’t say for certain. But I do know one thing. This

necklace was stolen.POLLYANNA: Wow! What clue tipped you off?DOROTHY: Did you find a suspicious hair inside the compartment?HEIDI: Or a fingerprint on ze clasp?SHERLOCK: Not at all. I saw a story about it on the news.ROBIN: Alas! If Miss Margie gets caught with a stolen necklace, she’ll

be thrown in jail for sure!DOROTHY: We have to warn her!POLLYANNA: But how?HEIDI: (Points OFF DOWNSTAGE.) Ach du lieber! Look! Sunlight is

coming srough ze vindow!POLLYANNA: Hurry! We have to clean this place up!SHERLOCK: We don’t have time. Miss Margie will be coming down

the stairs soon.HEIDI: Zat’s right! If she catches even a glimpse of us, ve vill all

be kaput!POLLYANNA: But we made such a mess!SHERLOCK: Leave it. When Miss Margie finds the necklace, she’ll

know what to do.HEIDI: Come on! Ve have to shkedaddle! (ALL EXIT UPSTAGE.)LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE. To the parrot on his shoulder.) Well,

Captain Flint, it’s about time those scalawags abandoned ship. Now we can see if they left any booty. (Goes to the counter and picks up the necklace.) Well, shiver me timbers! A necklace made of the finest diamonds! What do you think I should do with it, Captain Flint? (Puts his ear to the parrot’s beak.) A most excellent

ROBIN: Ah, but who shall serve as scribe?TOM: Don’t look at me. It sounds too much like schoolwork.POLLYANNA: I’ll write it! I have the best penmanship in my class!TOM: (Rolls his eyes.) Of course you do.POLLYANNA: (Grabs a pen and notepad from the counter.) I’m ready!SHERLOCK: Very good. Now write down exactly what I say. (Dictates.)

Dear Miss Margie, we do not wish to alarm you…ROBIN: Have you gone mad? Of course, we wish to alarm her! That’s

the whole point of writing the note!POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Dear Miss Margie, we wish to alarm you…SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) As there are a pair of scofflaws…ROBIN: The word is ruffians.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Bad guys.SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) Who shall return tomorrow for a diamond

necklace they misplaced.ROBIN: Mislaid.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Lost.SHERLOCK: (Dictates.) Be on your guard as they may cause you a

grievous affliction.ROBIN: Great injury.POLLYANNA: (Writes.) Harm.SHERLOCK: Do you have it all?POLLYANNA: I think so.SHERLOCK: Excellent. Now leave it there on the counter. Miss Margie

will be certain to see it in the morning. (The BOOK CHARACTERS start to leave.)

ROBIN: I think that was rather well-written, don’t you?SHERLOCK: Well, it’s not as gripping as an Arthur Conan Doyle story,

but it’ll do. (The BOOK CHARACTERS EXIT UPSTAGE. A relieved BOMBALURINA ENTERS LEFT with her pillow. As she passes the counter, she sees the note. Looking around to make sure no one’s watching, she takes the note and stashes it in her bed, where she promptly falls asleep. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

LIGHTS UP: The next day. BOMBALURINA sleeps in her bed. As MARGIE ENTERS LEFT, BOMBALURINA stretches and yawns, having finally gotten a good night’s sleep.

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SHERLOCK: I do know one person who possesses this particular skill. (Goes to the hidden EXIT.) Oh, Fagin!

DOROTHY: The pickpocket from Oliver Twist?FAGIN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) I beg your pardon, my dear, but I’m much

more than a pickpocket. I’m a criminal extraordinaire!SHERLOCK: Enough of your bluster, Fagin. I wouldn’t have invited you

here at all except I have a lock that needs picking.FAGIN: Oh, dear, dear, dear. Do you mean to say that even the great

Sherlock Holmes is in need of my felonious proclivities?SHERLOCK: Just open the lock, would you?FAGIN: Certainly I’ll open it, but first you must agree to one

minor stipulation.SHERLOCK: And what might that be?FAGIN: I get half of whatever’s inside.DOROTHY: But Mr. Fagin, we don’t even know what’s in there!TOM: I’ll bet it’s a treasure map! (OTHERS turn to shush TOM.)FAGIN: (Smiles.) Then, I want half of the treasure, or you shan’t reap

the benefit of my talents.SHERLOCK: One quarter and only if the treasure can be easily divided.FAGIN: What? You must take me for a fool!SHERLOCK: (Grabs FAGIN and calls OFFSTAGE.) Oh, Mr. Fang! I have

the thief you’ve been searching for!FAGIN: (Tears himself away.) Fine! Fine! I’ll pick the lock, but I do so

under protest!ROBIN: Do it any way you like. Just do it! (FAGIN pulls out a lock pick

and starts to work on the lock.)POLLYANNA: Are you getting it? Are you getting it?FAGIN: Silence, please. I must have absolute silence.SHERLOCK: Criminals can be quite temperamental.FAGIN: (Works in silence for a moment.) And so, as that great thief Ali

Baba said, “Open Sesame!” (Opens the book to reveal the hidden compartment inside. EVERYONE gasps.)

DOROTHY: Why, it’s not a book at all! It’s a place to hide valuables!FAGIN: (Removes a diamond necklace from the book.) And what a

valuable! A diamond necklace!SHERLOCK: Hand it over, Fagin!FAGIN: But you said I could have half!SHERLOCK: I said a quarter and only if the item could be easily

divided. (Grabs the necklace away.) Clearly, this necklace cannot.

MARGIE: Good morning, Bombalurina! I trust we didn’t have any burglars last night? (BOMBALURINA shakes her head.) Good. I feel so much safer knowing you’re down here guarding the store. (Goes to unlock the front door. Finds that it’s already unlocked.) Well, that’s odd. I could have sworn I locked this door last night. I guess I was so flustered by those two hoodlums, I forgot. (Goes behind the counter.) Oh, well. It’s a brand-new day. Time to put all that behind us.

EDDIE: (ENTERS RIGHT with FINGERS. BOMBALURINA hisses.) Well, well, well. If it ain’t the book lady.

MARGIE: I thought I told you two to get out of here.EDDIE: I don’t know. You might have said that. The thing is, we don’t

hear so good. Do we, Fingers?FINGERS: Huh?EDDIE: See?MARGIE: What do you want?EDDIE: Oh, not much. Just a little somethin’ that belongs to us.

Somethin’ you seem to think is yours.MARGIE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.EDDIE: Show her, Fingers.FINGERS: (Pulls out a photo.) Did you take this?MARGIE: What? The picture?FINGERS: No! The necklace that’s in the picture.MARGIE: (Grabs the photo and looks it over.) I’ve never seen it before

in my life.EDDIE: Come on. We know you found a diamond necklace inside that

cookbook and decided to keep it for yourself.MARGIE: I didn’t. I swear I didn’t.FINGERS: Playin’ dumb, huh? Well, maybe you’ll get some smarts if

we rough you up a little.MARGIE: Rough me up all you want. I don’t have the necklace.EDDIE: That ain’t no good, Fingers. If you want her to hand over

the goods, you got to threaten her about somethin’ she really cares about.

FINGERS: Like what?EDDIE: Like books.MARGIE: Wait. What do you mean?EDDIE: (To FINGERS.) You saw how upset she got when we dropped a

couple of books on the floor. Just think what she’ll do if we rough up one of her books. (Grabs a book from the shelf.)

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ROBIN: I don’t mean the arrow. I mean this book. (Removes the locked book from the bottom shelf.) I’ve never laid eyes on it before.

DOROTHY: 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family Will Love?HEIDI: Sounds like a cookbook.POLLYANNA: Open it up, Mr. Hood!ROBIN: Alas! I wish I could, but the book has a lock on it.SHERLOCK: What? Let me see that. (ROBIN hands him the book.) Well,

that’s rather peculiar. A lock is normally used to secure something of value.

TOM: Yuck! What’s so valuable about some ol’ vegetable recipes?SHERLOCK: My point exactly. There must be more than recipes inside.

A treasure map, perhaps. Or a secret message.POLLYANNA: Now we have to open it!HEIDI: But how? Ve don’t have ze key.TOM: If I had my pocketknife, I could bust it open!HEIDI: It’s a good thing you don’t! You could hurt ze poor book!DOROTHY: Tom, do you have anything else we could use?TOM: Let me see. (Removes the items one by one from his pockets

and sets them on the counter.) Three marbles. Two pennies. Some string. A magnifyin’ glass. And a dead beetle.

HEIDI/POLLYANNA: Ewww!SHERLOCK: It doesn’t take a detective to know that none of these

items will be effective.DOROTHY: What about you, Mr. Hood? Do you have anything in

your pockets?ROBIN: I’m from the Middle Ages. I don’t even know what a pocket is.SHERLOCK: If I had a long thin piece of metal, I could fashion myself

a lock pick.POLLYANNA: I have a hairpin you could use! (Removes a hairpin and

hands it to SHERLOCK.)SHERLOCK: Thank you, Pollyanna. This should prove most helpful.

(Unbends the hairpin and sticks one end into the lock.)POLLYANNA: Be careful now!HEIDI: You don’t vant to ruin it!SHERLOCK: I’m not going to ruin it. I’m just going to insert this end

in here and— (Jiggles the pick.) Wait a moment. Perhaps if I insert it like this— (Jiggles the pick.) Oh, it’s no use! We need someone with the right experience to pick this lock.

POLLYANNA: But who, Mr. Holmes? It’s not like any of us are criminals. (ROBIN whistles innocently.)

MARGIE: No! Please! Don’t hurt that book!EDDIE: I’m not gonna hurt it. I’m just gonna bend it a little. (Bends

the book backward, cracking the spine. MARGIE cries out. Tosses the book on the floor.) Now, are you gonna give us the necklace or ain’t you?

MARGIE: Sure! I’ll give you the necklace! I just don’t have it right now!EDDIE: What happened to it?MARGIE: I had to take it somewhere! But I can get it back!EDDIE: All right. I’ll give you one day. (Holds up the book with the lock.)

If the necklace ain’t back inside this book by tomorrow, I’ll do the same thing to the rest of these books.

MARGIE: Understood.EDDIE: (Sets the book with the lock on the counter.) Come on, Fingers.

Let’s get outta here. (EXITS RIGHT with FINGERS.)MARGIE: (Rushes to pick up the damaged book.) Oh, no! They broke

the spine! And on The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, too! (Sets the damaged book on the counter. BOMBALURINA rubs up against her and purrs.) Oh, Bombalurina! There’s no time for that now. I have to try to find a necklace that looks just like this one. (Shows BOMBALURINA the photo.) Maybe if I buy it and give it to those hoodlums, they’ll think it’s the one they lost. You’ll be all right here alone, won’t you?

BOMBALURINA: (Waves her paws in an emphatic, “No!”) Meow! Meow meow meow!

MARGIE: Good. I knew I could count on you. Now remember, we take all major credit cards, but no out-of-town checks. Oh, and make sure you give each customer their receipt. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BOMBALURINA: (Follows her to the door, peers OFF RIGHT after her. Sad.) Meow? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA still peers OFF RIGHT, only now peers through binoculars. ROBIN and DOLITTLE bustle IN UPSTAGE, carrying SHERLOCK on a stretcher. DOROTHY, TOM, POLLYANNA, and HEIDI follow. Alarmed, BOMBALURINA hides past the end of the counter.DOLITTLE: Careful now! We don’t want to aggravate the injury!ROBIN: Let’s set him down here. (He and DOLITTLE set down

the stretcher.)DOLITTLE: How are you feeling, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: My back, Doctor! It’s killing me!

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in. (Puts the books away. She yawns.) Oh, Bombalurina! I’m so tired! Your snoring kept waking me up last night. Would you mind sleeping down here tonight?

BOMBALURINA: (Frantically shakes her head.) Meow! Meow!MARGIE: Oh, you’ll be fine. It’s a lot quieter down here anyway. I’ll even

get your favorite pillow for you. (EXITS LEFT. BOMBALURINA turns to AUDIENCE and heaves a huge sigh. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

LIGHTS UP: That night. BOMBALURINA sleeps in her bed, snoring. Robin’s hat is by her side. TOM and ROBIN creep IN from the hidden EXIT behind the counter. TOM has a slingshot. ROBIN has a bow with an arrow.ROBIN: Have you spotted the villain yet, lad?TOM: Sure have! She’s sawin’ logs somethin’ fierce!ROBIN: Very good. Let us advance quietly. We don’t want to wake

her. (They creep toward BOMBALURINA. When they get close, they stop and aim their weapons.) All right now. On the count of three. One. Two—

POLLYANNA: (Bursts IN UPSTAGE.) Hey, what are you up to? (BOMBALURINA wakes up, screeches, grabs the hat and runs OFF LEFT. ROBIN is so startled he drops his arrow.)

TOM: Confound it, Pollyanna! You done scared her off!ROBIN: And just when we were about to spring our attack!DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with HEIDI and SHERLOCK.) Don’t tell

me you were going to hurt that poor kitty!TOM: (Hides slingshot behind his back.) What? Oh, uh, no! Of course not!ROBIN: (Hides bow behind his back.) We wouldn’t dream of it!DOROTHY: Then why is there an arrow on the floor?ROBIN: An arrow? What arrow?DOROTHY: That arrow.ROBIN: Fine. So maybe I did aim my bow at the beast. But I didn’t

mean to hurt her. I only wanted to take back what is rightfully mine.HEIDI: You mean your silly hat?ROBIN: It’s not silly. I find it rather dashing.DOROTHY: This from a guy who wears pajamas all day.ROBIN: (Picks up his arrow and notices the new book.) Hallo!

What’s this?HEIDI: I sink zat’s your arrow, Mr. Hood.

DOLITTLE: I’m sure it is. After all, you have a broken spine.DOROTHY: Is there anything you can do for him, Doctor?DOLITTLE: I’m afraid not, Dorothy. Whenever one of my regular patients

breaks their spine, I usually put them to sleep.DOROTHY: Put them to sleep? But that’s horrible! Isn’t that what you

do to horses?DOLITTLE: Precisely.TOM: That’s what we get for callin’ Doctor Dolittle.DOROTHY: You know, Mr. Holmes, I think I can fix your spine with just

a few drops of glue.SHERLOCK: It’s going to take a lot more than glue to mend this back,

Dorothy.DOROTHY: I’m not going to put the glue on your back. I’m going to put

it on your book. (Goes to the counter, grabs the book and a bottle of glue.) Like this. (Pours a few drops of glue inside the spine of the book.) There we go.

SHERLOCK: (Sits up.) You know something, Dorothy? I feel better already.

DOROTHY: Are you sure?SHERLOCK: (Stands.) Oh, yes. In fact, I’m quite back to normal.POLLYANNA: Yay! I knew you’d get well!ROBIN: And not a moment too soon!HEIDI: Vat do you mean?ROBIN: Didn’t you hear? The necklace is missing. If it isn’t back by the

time those villains return, they’re going to destroy all the books!HEIDI: Oh, no! I don’t vant my shpine to be gebrochen-schnappen!SHERLOCK: It’s worse than that, Heidi. Those scoundrels are liable

to tear us page from page! No one will ever be able to put us back together!

HEIDI: Ach du lieber!DOROTHY: Can’t Miss Margie get the necklace back from the police?SHERLOCK: Ah, there’s the rub. Miss Margie didn’t give the necklace

to the police. She never had it in the first place.DOROTHY: Then what happened to it?SHERLOCK: I can’t say for certain, but I suggest we question the

one creature whom we know to be a thief. (EVERYONE turns to BOMBALURINA.)

BOOK CHARACTERS: Bombalurina! (Terrified, BOMBALURINA starts to back away.)

ROBIN: Stop! We want to talk to you!

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MARGIE: The book has a lock on it. (Holds up the book.)LADY IN RED: So it does. So it does.MARGIE: Do you have the key?LADY IN RED: Let me see. (Pats herself all over.) No. I sure don’t.MARGIE: Then how am I supposed to know what’s in it?LADY IN RED: Oh, I can tell you. On page one, there’s a nice

ratatouille. Then on page two, there’s a green bean casserole that’s out of this world…

MARGIE: Well, that’s great and everything, but are you going to go home with whoever buys this book so you can tell them what’s in it?

LADY IN RED: Oh, I see the difficulty. Yes. Yes. That would be very awkward.

MARGIE: I suppose I could try to break the lock.LADY IN RED: Oh, no! You must never do that!MARGIE: Why?LADY IN RED: Because this book is priceless! My great-great-great-

grandfather would be devastated if anything happened to it!MARGIE: You mean he’s still alive?LADY IN RED: I suppose not. But I don’t want to take any chances.MARGIE: Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t buy this book.LADY IN RED: Not even a little bit?MARGIE: Not even one little corner.LADY IN RED: (Takes the book and starts to leave.) My great-great-

great-grandfather will be very disappointed.MARGIE: I’m sure he’ll get over it.LADY IN RED: (Stops.) You know, on second thought, maybe I will buy

a book.MARGIE: Wonderful! What kind of book would you like?LADY IN RED: Oh, you know. One with a cover. And some words inside.MARGIE: Okay… (Turns to look through the shelves.) Let’s see. Moby

Dick is an excellent book. And I just adore Robinson Crusoe. Oh, and you can’t go wrong with Little Women.

LADY IN RED: Fine, fine. I’ll take them all.MARGIE: Really? That’s great! (Starts to get the books down. LADY

IN RED sticks her book on a bottom shelf and ducks OUT RIGHT.) I really think you’re going to— (Turns to find LADY IN RED is gone.) Miss? Miss? (Looks around.) Bombalurina, did you see where that lady went? (BOMBALURINA shakes her head.) Well, that’s odd. It’s almost as if she didn’t want the books at all. Oh, well. We’ve still got the whole day ahead of us. Maybe someone else will come

DOROTHY: You’re scaring her. Let me talk to her.DOLITTLE: I speak fluent cat. I’ll talk to her. (Stopped by the wall

behind her, BOMBALURINA looks around with wild eyes.)ROBIN: Tell her we’re looking for a diamond necklace.DOLITTLE: Bombalurina, meow meow meow meow.DOROTHY: Tell her if we don’t find it, those thugs will destroy all

the books.DOLITTLE: Meow meow meow meow meow.BOMBALURINA: Meow meow.DOLITTLE: She says she doesn’t have it.SHERLOCK: Ask her if she’s laid eyes on it anywhere.DOLITTLE: Meow meow meow?BOMBALURINA: Meow meow meow meow.DOLITTLE: She says she hasn’t seen it either.LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) If the scurvy beast won’t tell ye,

make her walk the plank!DOROTHY: We don’t have a plank. We’re in a bookshop.QUEEN OF HEARTS: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Off with her head then!

(BOMBALURINA screeches, runs away, and EXITS LEFT.)DOLITTLE: I dare say, madam, you’ve frightened her off!SHERLOCK: It’s just as well. Bombalurina would never admit to the

crime anyway.DOROTHY: Oh, please. Bombalurina didn’t steal the necklace. It’s not

like her to steal something so valuable.ROBIN: Then what happened to it?DOROTHY: I—I don’t know.TOM: I’ll bet she hid it around here somewheres.ROBIN: Good point, lad. Let’s spread out. If the necklace is in this

room, one of us is sure to find it. (With HEIDI, TOM, POLLYANNA, and SHERLOCK, they spread out, looking for the necklace.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS: You know, it would save time if we just chopped off everyone’s heads.

LONG JOHN: I say chop off their heads, then make them walk the plank.DOLITTLE: I’m afraid that’s a physical impossibility, my good man.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Well, someone ought to lose a head!DOLITTLE: You know, I’m a little concerned about your preoccupation

with violence. It may be a sign of something more serious. Can you stop by my office next week for a consultation?

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Wait. Aren’t you an animal doctor?

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ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: The next day. MARGIE and BOMBALURINA ENTER LEFT. MARGIE unlocks the door at STAGE RIGHT.MARGIE: Look, Bombalurina! It’s a brand-new day! A day filled with

infinite possibilities! Why, today might be the day our business finally turns around! (LADY IN RED ENTERS RIGHT, holding a book with a lock on it. She looks around suspiciously.) See, Bombalurina? We have a customer already! (BOMBALURINA hisses. MARGIE goes to LADY IN RED.) Good morning! I’m so glad you’re here!

LADY IN RED: A Likely Story.MARGIE: No, really! We appreciate all our customers!LADY IN RED: No, I mean that’s the name of your store. A Likely Story.MARGIE: What? Oh, right. (Laughs nervously.) I forgot.LADY IN RED: (Examines the bookshelves.) Tell me, do you do a lot of

business here?MARGIE: Oh, yes! We sell oodles and oodles of books! Well, maybe

not oodles. A couple of books here and there.LADY IN RED: Interesting. Very interesting. (Examines the bookshelves

some more.) And do you have people come in and look through the books? You know, without buying anything?

MARGIE: Oh, sure. We get the occasional looky-loo. But not very often.LADY IN RED: Fascinating. Simply fascinating. And what about police?MARGIE: What about police?LADY IN RED: Do they come in? Nose around at all?MARGIE: Oh, no. The police wouldn’t be interested in this place.

Nothing much really happens here.LADY IN RED: Excellent. Excellent. You’re just what I’m looking for.MARGIE: Is there a particular book you’d like to buy?LADY IN RED: What? Oh, no. I’m here to sell a book.MARGIE: Oh. (Disappointed.)LADY IN RED: You do buy books, don’t you?MARGIE: Well, yes, but I prefer to sell them. I make more money that way.LADY IN RED: Oh, but you’ll want to buy this book. It was left to me by

my great-great-great-grandfather. He was a general in the Civil War. (Hands MARGIE the book.)

MARGIE: (Reads the cover.) 1001 Vegetable Dishes Your Family Will Love?LADY IN RED: Oh, yes. You should see some of the recipes.MARGIE: Well, sure, I’d love to. But there’s one teensy little problem.LADY IN RED: What’s that?

DOLITTLE: Indeed, madam. I am.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Well, do I look like an animal to you?DOLITTLE: No, but you don’t look quite human either.QUEEN OF HEARTS: Of course not! I’m a playing card!LONG JOHN: What kind of doctor do you want to see, then?QUEEN OF HEARTS: What else? A cardiologist!SHERLOCK: (Looks in BOMBALURINA’S bed.) By Jove!HEIDI: Vat is it, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: There’s a veritable treasure trove of pilfered items in this

cat bed. (EVERYONE rushes over.)ROBIN: My hat!TOM: My lucky rabbit’s foot!HEIDI: Mein locket!ROBIN: I knew the beast was a thief!DOROTHY: (Sarcastic.) Oh, I don’t know. Maybe she was planning on

giving this all to the poor.HEIDI: Vell, I’m poor, so I’m taking zis all back! (Grabs the items and

hands them back to their owners.)TOM: (Pockets the rabbit’s foot.) Thanks, Heidi.ROBIN: (Puts on his hat.) At last, I feel like myself again!HEIDI: (Puts on her locket.) Zat cat better not steal anything else.SHERLOCK: Great Scott! What’s this? (Grabs the note from the cat bed.)DOROTHY: That’s the note we wrote to Miss Margie!ROBIN: No wonder she didn’t know those villains would return. She

never saw the note!DOROTHY: Is the diamond necklace there?SHERLOCK: Not that I can see.DOROTHY: Then where did it go?SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Dorothy. (The other BOOK

CHARACTERS look to SHERLOCK as though expecting some great announcement.) I have no idea. (The BOOK CHARACTERS sag.)

BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) What are you all doing here? It’s almost daybreak!

POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! We have to return to our books!DOROTHY: No! We have to stay and help Miss Margie fight those thugs!BOOK FAIRY: Are you crazy? If anyone sees you, you’re going to

disappear forever!HEIDI: Ach du lieber! I don’t vant to disappear!DOROTHY: But we can’t just leave! Miss Margie needs us!

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BOOK FAIRY: I don’t know, but it won’t be good. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I need to go look for Scarlett O’Hara. I understand she’s missing.

HEIDI: Oh, no! Vat happened to her?BOOK FAIRY: What do you think? She’s gone with the wind. (EXITS

UPSTAGE. BOMBALURINA ENTERS LEFT, creeps toward ROBIN.)TOM: Can you believe that Book Fairy? She sounds like an old schoolmarm!POLLYANNA: I know! Isn’t she wonderful? (Like a flash, BOMBALURINA

grabs ROBIN’S hat and runs OFF.)ROBIN: Stop, thief!TOM: (Chases after BOMBALURINA, but misses her.) Sorry, Mr. Hood.

I thought I had her.HEIDI: Was ist los? (German pronunciation: “Vas ist los?”)ROBIN: Was ist los? This is los! I mean, this is the matter! (Points at

his head.) That foul feline stole my hat!DOROTHY: Wait a minute. Don’t you steal from the rich?ROBIN: What? Oh, uh, sure. But that’s different. I give everything I

steal to the poor.DOROTHY: So it’s okay to steal as long as you don’t keep the stuff

for yourself?ROBIN: Yes! Well, not exactly. I mean, it’s complicated.DOROTHY: Not as complicated as you make it out to be.TOM: I wouldn’t talk, Dorothy. Didn’t you swipe the wicked witch’s shoes?DOROTHY: What? No! The good witch gave them to me!TOM: Oh. So it’s okay to keep somethin’ that was swiped as long as

somebody else did the swipin’?DOROTHY: If the person’s dead, it’s not swiping! (Continues bickering

with TOM. Soon, EVERYONE but POLLYANNA joins in.)POLLYANNA: (Shouts.) Quiet! (ALL stop and stare at her, stunned

by the outburst. Takes a moment to compose herself.) Look, I’m glad you’re all so passionate about this subject, but I think you’re forgetting something.

ROBIN: My hat?POLLYANNA: No! We need to figure out a way to save the store!TOM: Oh, yeah.ROBIN: Now I remember.POLLYANNA: So what do you think? How can we help? (EVERYONE

looks at each other, then they all start bickering again. Throws up her hands in defeat.) Why do I even try? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

SHERLOCK: Dorothy, I admire your courage and I know you have only the best intentions, but you must accept the facts. Without the necklace, there’s nothing we can do to help Miss Margie.

DOROTHY: I suppose you’re right.SHERLOCK: Of course I’m right. I’m Sherlock Holmes.BOOK FAIRY: Now please, let’s get a move on. Miss Margie will be

coming downstairs any second! (EVERYONE but QUEEN OF HEARTS and LONG JOHN EXITS UPSTAGE.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS: Would you like to join me in a game of croquet?LONG JOHN: As long as I can use me wooden leg. (Makes a stiff-

legged kick. QUEEN OF HEARTS laughs.)BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Are you still here? Come on! We’ve

got to hit the road!LONG JOHN: All right! All right!QUEEN OF HEARTS: You and that White Rabbit! Always in such a rush!BOOK FAIRY: (Steers QUEEN OF HEARTS and LONG JOHN OFFSTAGE.

To herself.) Why didn’t I listen to my mother and go into an easier field, like teeth? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

LIGHTS UP: The next day. Exhausted, BOMBALURINA shuffles in LEFT and collapses into bed. As soon as she does, MARGIE hurries IN RIGHT. BOMBALURINA groans.MARGIE: Oh, Bombalurina! What am I going to do? I’ve been to every

jewelry store in town and none of them have the right necklace!BOMBALURINA: Meow meow! Meow meow meow!MARGIE: What’s that? You want me to lock the door?BOMBALURINA: Meow!MARGIE: Ooh, that’s good. Maybe if it looks like we went out of

business, those hoodlums will go away. (Goes to the RIGHT EXIT to try to lock the door.)

EDDIE: (Saunters IN just then with FINGERS.) It’s a little early to be closin’ up shop, ain’t it?

MARGIE: What? Oh, uh, not at all! It’s National Book Lovers Day! You know, the day people all over the country stay home and read a book!

EDDIE: Hey, that sounds like a great idea. And I know just the book I’d like to read. It’s a book about vegetables.

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POLLYANNA: No assistance, Book Fairy! Mr. Holmes was just explaining to me why we can’t open a lemonade stand, only he hadn’t gotten to that part yet.

BOOK FAIRY: A lemonade stand? Oh, no, no, no, no! That’s simply out of the question! You know the rules I laid down for you when I gave you the gift of life.

BOOK CHARACTERS: Yes, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: Well, maybe we should go over them one more time—ROBIN: (To SHERLOCK.) You had to open your big mouth.BOOK FAIRY: Can anyone tell me the first rule?POLLYANNA: (Raises her hand.) Ooh! Ooh! I can! I can!BOOK FAIRY: Yes, Pollyanna?POLLYANNA: Rule number one—No leaving the bookshop!BOOK FAIRY: Actually, you’re not allowed to leave the building. Miss

Margie’s apartment is right upstairs, and while I don’t recommend going up there, it is fair territory.

POLLYANNA: Good to know, Book Fairy!BOOK FAIRY: And the second rule? Anyone?POLLYANNA: (Raises her hand.) Ooh! Ooh! Call on me! Call on me!BOOK FAIRY: Anyone else? Please? (SHERLOCK raises his hand.) Yes,

you, Mr. Holmes?SHERLOCK: Rule number two—We must never permit ourselves to be

seen or in any way perceived by human beings.BOOK FAIRY: A little wordy, but correct.TOM: Rules are dumb.HEIDI: But, Thomas, if it veren’t for ze rules, ve vouldn’t be here at all.BOOK FAIRY: That’s right, Heidi. You’ve got to realize I went way out

on a limb for you guys. I mean, book characters are supposed to come to life the normal way—by being read.

ROBIN: Here it comes…BOOK FAIRY: But when I realized that was unlikely to happen here, I

decided to step in.DOROTHY: We know, Book Fairy, and we’re all very grateful. But can’t

you make an exception just this once?BOOK FAIRY: Absolutely not! I mean, can you imagine what chaos it

would cause if the humans saw you cavorting around? No, I have to insist. If you break either of the two rules, you’ll disappear into your books forever.

TOM: How’s that supposed to work?

MARGIE: Oh, you don’t want to read that one. How about a book like Crime Never Pays or Twenty Thousand Years in Sing Sing?

EDDIE: No. It’s got to be the vegetable book. There’s a recipe I’m really interested in. It involves a lot of ice.

FINGERS: Hey, Eddie. I don’t think ice is a vegetable.EDDIE: Shaddap! You’re ruinin’ my metaphor! (Picks up the book with

the lock from the counter.) Ah, here it is.MARGIE: Wait! Let me explain—EDDIE: No explanation is necessary. Either the necklace is here or it

ain’t. (Opens the book, pulls out a “fake” diamond necklace.) Well, well, well. Lookie here. Book Lady decided to return the necklace after all.

MARGIE: What? Oh, yes! Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I?EDDIE: Come on, Fingers. Let’s take these rocks to the boss.FINGERS: What happened to the ice?EDDIE: Ice. Rocks. It’s all the same thing.FINGERS: You know somethin’, Eddie? Some days you don’t make

any sense at all. (EXITS RIGHT with EDDIE, taking the fake necklace and the book with the lock.)

MARGIE: Whew! That was a close one, Bombalurina. I don’t know how the necklace got in there, but I’m glad it did. Now I finally have a chance to fix that Sherlock Holmes book. (Grabs the Sherlock Holmes book from the counter.) Well, that’s odd. It looks perfectly fine. I could have sworn the spine was broken.

EDDIE: (Bursts IN RIGHT with FINGERS.) Hey, what’s the big idea?MARGIE: Why? What do you mean?EDDIE: (Holds up the fake necklace.) This ain’t the necklace we was

looking for. These rocks is fake. (Breathes on the diamonds.) See? They fog up when I breathe on ‘em. (Tosses the fake necklace and the book with the lock on the counter.) What happened to the real necklace?

MARGIE: I don’t know! I never had it!EDDIE: Tryin’ to pull a fast one, are ya? Well, we’ll see about that. Fingers?FINGERS: What book should I start with?EDDIE: I don’t care. Just pick one.FINGERS: (Grabs a book from the shelf.) How about Mary Poppins?EDDIE: Whatever. (FINGERS tears pages out of the book.)MARGIE: No! Stop!EDDIE: Are you gonna tell us where the real necklace is?MARGIE: I already told you! I don’t know where it is!

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ROBIN: Miss Margie tossed me across the room again.DOROTHY: Oh, please. You don’t know what tossing is until you’ve

been tossed by a tornado!HEIDI: Vat means zis vord, tornado?POLLYANNA: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Ooh! Ooh! Let me explain it! A

tornado is this great rush of wind that sounds like a freight train and goes around and around like a carnival ride!

DOROTHY: You know something, Pollyanna? Only you could make a tornado sound fun.

HEIDI: Did anyvun see vat book vas taken?SHERLOCK: I believe it was White Fang by Jack London.TOM: Oh, no! Not White Fang! I’m gonna miss that ol’ mutt!DOROTHY: Not me! I’m glad he’s gone. He used to chase Toto all

around the bookshop! (TOTO growls.)ROBIN: And he was always chewing on my boots!POLLYANNA: Well, look on the bright side! At least Miss Margie sold

another book!SHERLOCK: She didn’t sell the book, Pollyanna. She gave it away.TOM: Miss Margie’s got to stop doin’ that.DOROTHY: I know. If business doesn’t pick up soon, she’s going to

have to close the bookshop.HEIDI: Ach du lieber! Vat vill happen to us?ROBIN: Who cares what happens to us? It’s Miss Margie I’m

worried about.TOM: Yeah. This shop is her life.DOROTHY: I just wish we could help.POLLYANNA: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we raise some money for

her by opening a lemonade stand?SHERLOCK: I’m afraid we can’t, Pollyanna. That would violate the two

rules that were established for us by the Book Fairy.DOROTHY: Oh, no! You said it again!SHERLOCK: Said what? What do you mean?BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with a flourish.) Did somebody call

my name?BOOK CHARACTERS: (Unenthusiastic.) Hello, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: Tom, I didn’t hear your greeting.TOM: (Downright glum.) Hello, Book Fairy.BOOK FAIRY: That’s better. Now what do you need my assistance with?

EDDIE: All right, Fingers. Pick another book.FINGERS: (Grabs another book.) This one’s got a funny name.

(Mispronounces Don Quixote.) Don Quicksoddy. (Tears pages out of the book.)

MARGIE: Stop! I’ll give you all my money! Just please don’t hurt my books!

EDDIE: Pick another one.FINGERS: (Grabs another book.) Ooh, I know this one! Heidi! (Prepares

to tear pages from this book.)ROBIN: (Bounds IN UPSTAGE.) Halt, you villainous rogues!

(BOMBALURINA lets out a screech and ducks behind the counter. EDDIE, FINGERS, and MARGIE stare in shock.)

FINGERS: Whoa!EDDIE: Who are you?ROBIN: Who am I? Why, I am only the greatest outlaw in the land!EDDIE: Al Capone?ROBIN: No! Robin Hood!DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with TOTO, HEIDI, TOM, POLLYANNA, and

SHERLOCK.) Boy, you really need to read more!HEIDI: Now please put mein book down! You’re making me nervous!FINGERS: I don’t like this, Eddie! Let’s get outta here!EDDIE: We ain’t goin’ nowhere! Not until we get the real necklace!

(FRANKENSTEIN ENTERS UPSTAGE with a roar.) On second thought, maybe we should get outta here! (Runs with FINGERS for the RIGHT EXIT.)

TOM: (Blocks the way with ROBIN and SHERLOCK.) Oh, no, you don’t, you big bullies! (FRANKENSTEIN stomps toward them. EDDIE and FINGERS cry out.)

EDDIE: Quick! Go the other way!FINGERS: But we don’t know where it goes!EDDIE: Who cares? It’s better than here! (Runs with FINGERS toward

the LEFT EXIT.)DOROTHY: Get ‘em, Toto! (Barking, TOTO chases after EDDIE and FINGERS.)WICKED WITCH: (ENTERS LEFT, cackling witchily. To EDDIE.) I’ll

get you, my pretty! And your little friend, too! (With a yelp, TOTO hightails it away.)

DOROTHY: Whew! I never thought I’d be glad to see you!WICKED WITCH: Yeah? Well, I still want those shoes back!EDDIE/FINGERS: (Stick up their hands.) We give up! We give up!

(FRANKENSTEIN continues stomping toward them.)

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MARGIE: Sure. Why not?MOM: (Reluctant, takes the book. To TIMMY.) I guess if you don’t like

it, we can always sell it online.TIMMY: (To his phone.) Yay! Another five thousand points! (EXITS

RIGHT with MOM. BOMBALURINA gives MARGIE a dubious look.)MARGIE: Don’t look at me like that, Bombalurina. I had to give it to

them. I can’t imagine a child not owning a book. (Peers OFF RIGHT.) Oh, well. Might as well close up shop. It doesn’t look like we’re going to get any more customers tonight. (Locks the front door.) Well, Bombalurina? Are you going to come up to the apartment with me, or are you going to stay down here and guard against burglars? (Alarmed, BOMBALURINA jumps out of bed and follows her.) I thought so. You wouldn’t be much help against burglars anyway.

BOMBALURINA: (Stops to put her paws on her hips.) Meow! (MARGIE EXITS LEFT. BOMBALURINA hurries after her. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

LIGHTS UP: That night.ROBIN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE through the hidden EXIT behind the counter.

Staggers dizzily.) Odds bodkins! It feels as though the whole world is spinning…

TOM: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) What’s the matter, old man? Did you swing into a tree again?

ROBIN: No. Miss Margie threw my book. I swear, every time she reads me, I end up flying across the room.

SHERLOCK: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) I thought you enjoyed flying, my good man.ROBIN: I do. It’s the landing I’m not so fond of. (TOTO ENTERS

UPSTAGE, barking.)DOROTHY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE, following TOTO.) Toto, you’ve got to be

quiet! You could wake up Miss Margie!HEIDI: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Vorse yet, you could vake up zat

cat, Bamboozle-o-mania!SHERLOCK: Her name is pronounced Bombalurina, Heidi.HEIDI: Zat’s vat I said, Bamboozle-o-mania!DOROTHY: What’s the matter with him? (Indicates ROBIN.)SHERLOCK: I’m afraid he’s suffered a traumatic injury to his cranium.HEIDI: Mein Himmel! I can’t undershtand a vord he says!TOM: He means he took a blow to the noggin.

WICKED WITCH: Cool it, Frankie. They’ve already surrendered. (FRANKENSTEIN lets out a disappointed grunt.)

TOM: If only we had somethin’ to tie ‘em up with.HOPALONG: (ENTERS UPSTAGE holding a lasso.) I’ve got just what you

need right here, pardner.POLLYANNA: Thanks, Hopalong! You came just in the nick of time!HOPALONG: Of course, little lady. I always come in the nick of time.DOROTHY: I just wish the nick of time had come a little earlier.HOPALONG: (Ties up EDDIE and FINGERS.) Would someone please

call the police? (FRANKENSTEIN picks up the phone and grunts into it.)

POLLYANNA: Uh, Frankie? It might be better if I make the call. (Takes the phone from FRANKENSTEIN.)

MARGIE: Dorothy! Heidi! Tom! You’re real!DOROTHY: You bet we’re real!HEIDI: As real as ze books ve came from!MARGIE: But what are you doing here?HOPALONG: It’s simple, pardner.SHERLOCK: It was all the Book Fairy’s idea.BOOK FAIRY: (ENTERS UPSTAGE.) Did somebody call my— (Looks

around.) Whoa!MARGIE: You made this happen?BOOK FAIRY: Who, me? (Laughs nervously.) I don’t know if I’d go

that far.WICKED WITCH: Sure it was you! You’re the one who gave us life!HOPALONG: Only you told us to lay low.DOROTHY: You said if we ever left the building or were seen by any

humans, we’d disappear into our books.BOOK FAIRY: Oh, yeah. Now it’s coming back to me.MARGIE: But I don’t understand. I’m seeing you now.ROBIN: Yes, and I fear this shall be the end of us.MARGIE: You mean…?DOROTHY: We gave up our lives, Miss Margie. To save you.OFFICER KETCHUM: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Stop! You’re all under a nest!

No, wait. Not a nest. Arrest! You’re all under arrest!MARGIE: Those are the smugglers you’ve been looking for, officer.

Right over there. (Indicates EDDIE and FINGERS.)OFFICER KETCHUM: (Crosses to the THIEVES, looks around at all the

strange-looking characters.) It’s kind of early for Halloween, isn’t it?

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MOM: We wouldn’t be here at all except his teacher is making him write a book report.

MARGIE: (To TIMMY.) Ooh, how about a mystery? Or maybe science fiction. Wait. I’d bet you’d love a heartwarming animal story!

TIMMY: (To phone.) Take that! And that!MOM: I don’t know why he has to write a book report. I mean, books

are so old-fashioned.MARGIE: Oh, but they’re not! Books are wonderful! They strengthen

your vocabulary! They fuel your imagination! They teach you about other times and other cultures!

MOM: What do you mean?MARGIE: (Picks up the book from the counter.) Well, take this book,

for example. Robin Hood. It’s about these highway robbers in medieval England…

MOM: Oh, no. We would never let Timmy read a book like that. We’re very careful about what we expose him to.

TIMMY: (To phone.) Blam! Blam! Blam!MARGIE: (Pulls a book from the shelf.) Okay. How about this one?

White Fang by Jack London.MOM: What’s that? A book about dentistry?MARGIE: No, it’s about this dog named White Fang, see? And he lives

in the Yukon, and he gets sold to an Indian named Grey Beaver, only because he’s part wolf, the other dogs refuse to accept him. (Acts out the story.) And then he gets into this fight with a dog named Cherokee. They pounce at each other, slashing and biting, tearing and clawing, until Cherokee manages to close his jaws over White Fang’s throat. White Fang tries to shake him off, but he doesn’t have the strength and he stumbles to the ground, exhausted… (On the floor now, looks up at MOM for approval.)

MOM: Sounds violent.TIMMY: (To his phone.) Die, ogre, die!MARGIE: (Scrambles to her feet.) Oh, no. It’s really a very good book.MOM: How much is it?MARGIE: Three dollars.MOM: I don’t know. That seems like an awful lot of money.MARGIE: Would you buy it for two dollars?MOM: Come on, Timmy. Let’s see what they have at the library. (Starts

to leave with TIMMY.)MARGIE: No, no! Please, just take it! (Holds out the book.)MOM: You’re giving us the book?

WICKED WITCH: (Puts her hand on FRANKENSTEIN’S shoulder.) Where we come from, it’s always Halloween. (FRANKENSTEIN grunts.)

EDDIE: We didn’t do nothin’, officer. We was just buyin’ a book.OFFICER KETCHUM: Oh, yeah? Which book?FINGERS: That book over there with the jewels in it.EDDIE: How many times do I gotta tell you, Fingers? You’re supposed

to shut up when you’re talkin’!OFFICER KETCHUM: (Picks up the book and the fake necklace.) Huh.

A book with a secret compartment. So this is how the jewels were smuggled. But this isn’t the necklace that was stolen.

EDDIE: Gee, officer. I guess that means you gotta let us go.LONG JOHN: (ENTERS UPSTAGE with the real necklace.) Could this be

of interest to ye, constable? (Hands over the necklace.)OFFICER KETCHUM: (Takes it.) This is the necklace, all right. But what

were you doing with it?LONG JOHN: Me? Oh, uh, I was just keeping it safe from those two

bilge rats over there.EDDIE: I don’t know what he’s yappin’ about.FINGERS: Sure you do, Eddie. That’s the necklace we was gonna smuggle.EDDIE: You know your problem, Fingers? Your mouth keeps workin’

overtime while your brain is still on break.OFFICER KETCHUM: I don’t understand. If this is the stolen necklace,

then where did the other necklace come from?POLLYANNA: That was my fault, officer. I thought if I gave the smugglers

my Aunt Polly’s necklace, they would leave Miss Margie alone. I didn’t realize the necklace was fake.

BOOK CHARACTERS: Pollyanna!WICKED WITCH: See? I always said you can’t trust little girls.LONG JOHN: Young lads ain’t much better.TOM: Hey!OFFICER KETCHUM: All right, you crooks. I’m running you in. I’ve got

more than enough evidence to book you. Hey, did you hear that? Book you! I made a joke!

FINGERS: That’s a good one, copper! Hey, Eddie, ain’t that a good one?EDDIE: When I say shaddap, I mean shaddap! (OFFICER KETCHUM

escorts EDDIE and FINGERS OFF RIGHT.)MARGIE: Thanks, everybody. I don’t know what I would have done

without you.DOROTHY: We had to help, Miss Margie. We couldn’t stand by and

see you get hurt.

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ACT ONEScene One

AT RISE: MARGIE reads The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood. BOMBALURINA lies in her cat bed, listening contentedly.MARGIE: Listen, Bombalurina! Here comes the exciting part! (Acts

out the story as she reads.) “At last Little John struck like a flash, and—rap!—the Tanner met the blow and turned it aside, and then smote back at Little John, who also turned the blow, and so this mighty battle began.”

MOM: (ENTERS RIGHT with TIMMY, who plays a game on his phone. MARGIE doesn’t notice them.) Excuse me.

MARGIE: (Reads.) “Then up and down and back and forth they trod, the blows falling so thick and fast that, at a distance, one would have thought that half a score of men were fighting.”

MOM: I said, excuse me.MARGIE: (Reads.) “Thus they fought for nigh a half an hour, until the

ground was all plowed up with the digging of their heels, and their breathing grew labored like the ox in the furrow—” (MOM taps her on the shoulder.) Aaah! (Startled, throws up her hands, causing the book to fly across the room.)

MOM: I’d like some help, please.MARGIE: (Flustered.) What? Oh, uh, yes! Of course! You want some

help! And I’m going to help you! Just as soon as I get my book! (Rushes over to the book. After checking to make sure it’s okay, sets it on the counter.) Welcome to A Likely Story. How can I help you this evening?

MOM: I’m here to buy a book for my son, Timmy.MARGIE: Oh! Isn’t that exciting! What kind of books do you like,

Timmy? Timmy?MOM: Timmy, she’s asking you a question.TIMMY: (Continues playing with his phone.) I hate books.MARGIE: Ha ha! Surely you don’t mean that. Don’t you have a favorite

book at home?MOM: Timmy doesn’t have any books.MARGIE: No books at all?MOM: We always meant to buy him one, but we could never make the

commitment. Books take up so much room, you know?MARGIE: Yes, well, I’m sure I can find something he’ll like. (Scans

the bookshelves.)

POLLYANNA: I just wish we could have helped you save the store.MARGIE: Don’t worry about that. I’m just so excited you’re here!DOROTHY: (Jerks backward.) Oh, no!MARGIE: What’s the matter?DOROTHY: I don’t know. Something seems to be tugging on me! (Now

the other BOOK CHARACTERS jerk backward.)HOPALONG: It feels like I got a lasso around my waist!BOOK FAIRY: Huh. So that’s how it works.MARGIE: What do you mean? How what works?BOOK FAIRY: The spell, of course. It’s over. Dorothy and Tom and all

the rest of them, they’re going to disappear into their books now.WICKED WITCH: Curses! And I just got here too!HEIDI: Can’t you do something, Book Fairy?BOOK FAIRY: I’m sorry. It’s out of my hands now. (The BOOK

CHARACTERS lurch backward toward the hidden EXIT, bodies jerking, arms flailing, as though pulled by an unseen force.)

MARGIE: No! Don’t go! There are so many things I want to talk to you about!

POLLYANNA: We can’t help it, Miss Margie! The force is too strong!TOM: Uh-oh! Here I go! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Tom!POLLYANNA: Oh, dear! Even I can’t put a positive spin on this!

(EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Pollyanna!HOPALONG: Oh, well. I guess this is the last roundup! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)SHERLOCK: A most curious sensation, this! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)LONG JOHN: Hold fast, Captain Flint! We’re going down with the ship!

(EXITS UPSTAGE.)WICKED WITCH: And I thought melting was bad! (EXITS UPSTAGE.

FRANKENSTEIN lets out a groan and EXITS UPSTAGE.)HEIDI: Auf wiedersehen, Fräulein Margie! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)ROBIN: We’ll never forget you! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)MARGIE: Oh, Dorothy! You’ve got to stay!DOROTHY: I’m sorry, Miss Margie! I don’t have the strength! (TOTO

barks, then EXITS UPSTAGE with DOROTHY.)MARGIE: (Heartbroken, stares at the spot where they vanished.

BOMBALURINA rubs up against her and purrs.) Oh, Bombalurina! They’re gone! They’re all gone!

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BOOK FAIRY: No, Margie. They’re not gone. They’re right where they’re supposed to be, just waiting for someone to open their books and bring them to life.

MARGIE: But how will that ever happen? Hardly anyone comes to the store anymore. And when they do, they don’t buy anything.

BOOK FAIRY: Oh, Margie. You’ve got to have faith! Someday, maybe, if you truly believe— (Hears MOM and TIMMY approach.) Uh oh. Somebody’s coming. I’ve got to go. (EXITS UPSTAGE.)

MARGIE: (Calls after her.) It was nice knowing you! I guess.MOM: (Bursts IN RIGHT with TIMMY, who clutches his copy of White

Fang.) We’re back!MARGIE: What’s the matter? Didn’t he like the book?MOM: Are you kidding? He loved it!TIMMY: It was the greatest book ever!MARGIE: I’m so glad you enjoyed it!TIMMY: Do you have any more?MARGIE: Do I have any more? I’ve got a whole store full of books!MOM: What would you recommend?MARGIE: (Pulls books off the shelf and names each one.) Well, there’s

Robin Hood and Pollyanna and Sherlock Holmes and Heidi and Tom Sawyer and… (Pauses at The Wizard of Oz.) And then there’s this one, the most special one of all. (Places the book in TIMMY’S hands.)

TIMMY: The Wizard of Oz? I thought that was a movie.MARGIE: Oh, sure. They made a movie out of it, but if you really want

to see some great special effects, you’ve got to read the book.TIMMY: Awesome!MOM: We’ll take them all.MARGIE: Wonderful! I’ll bag these up for you. (Goes behind the counter

and gets out a shopping bag.)MOM: No, no. I don’t mean these all. (Gestures toward the books in

MARGIE’S hands.) I mean these all. (Gestures toward all the books in the store.)

MARGIE: The entire store?MOM: The entire store.TIMMY: Wow! Thanks, Mom!MARGIE: Well, Bombalurina, it looks like we’re going to need some

more bags! (Gets out a big stack of bags and starts bagging up books as MOM and TIMMY eagerly look through The Wizard of Oz. Delighted to finally get rid of them, BOMBALURINA brings her more books. And more books. And still more books. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

END OF PLAY

SET DESIGN 1

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SETTINGTime: Present.Place: A Likely Story used book store.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: One evening near closing time.Scene Two: That night.Scene Three: The next day.Scene Four: That night.Scene Five: The next day.

ACT TWOScene One: That night.Scene Two: The next day.Scene Three: That night.Scene Four: The next day.

SET DESCRIPTIONA quaint used book store with the walls lined with bookshelves. The main entrance is at STAGE RIGHT. The entrance from the upstairs apartment is at STAGE LEFT. A counter with a cash register is UP RIGHT. The counter hides a low opening in the UPSTAGE WALL through which the book characters enter and exit.

Bombalurina’s cat bed is DOWN LEFT. A sign shows the name of the store, “A Likely Story.”

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEShelves with books, cat bed hiding a rabbit’s foot and a locket, sign showing the name of the store, “A Likely Story,” and a counter with cash register, phone, pen, notepad, bottle of glue, and containing some shopping bags.

In ACT TWO, Scene Four, a fake necklace is added to the locked book that is onstage.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONACT ONE

Scene One:Book (MARGIE)Phone (TIMMY)

Scene Three:Locked book containing diamond necklace (LADY IN RED)

Scene Four:Pillow, Robin’s hat (BOMBALURINA)Slingshot, three marbles, two pennies, string, magnifying glass,

beetle (TOM)Bow, arrow (ROBIN)Hairpin (POLLYANNA)Lock pick (FAGIN)Parrot (LONG JOHN)

ACT TWOScene One:

Slingshot (TOM)Scene Two:

Photo (FINGERS)Scene Three:

Binoculars (BOMBALURINA)Stretcher (ROBIN, DOLITTLE)

Scene Four:Lasso (HOPALONG)“Real” diamond necklace (LONG JOHN)Book (TIMMY)

COSTUMESThe real-life characters wear contemporary clothing.

MARGIE—Funky, bohemian-style clothing.

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By TODD WALLINGER

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

MARGIE ..............................bookshop owner; scatterbrained, 140 eternally hopeful

BOMBALURINA ....................Margie’s cat; likes to steal things 8MOM ..................................bored bookshop customer 24TIMMY ................................kid; hates books 10ROBIN HOOD ......................vain Medieval English outlaw 54TOM SAWYER ......................mischievous Missouri schoolboy 36SHERLOCK HOLMES ............brainy English detective 58TOTO ..................................Dorothy’s dog; not as brave as n/a

he thinks he isDOROTHY ...........................Kansas farm girl; fearless, clever 64HEIDI..................................Swiss mountain girl; 38

melodramaticPOLLYANNA .........................New England schoolgirl; 42

annoyingly optimisticBOOK FAIRY ........................brings the book characters to 29

life; overbearingLADY IN RED .......................mysterious bookshop customer 24FAGIN .................................English pickpocket; sneaky 13LONG JOHN SILVER .............English pirate; treacherous 17OFFICER KETCHUM..............confused police officer 24FINGERS .............................jewel smuggler; dumb 61EDDIE.................................another; bossy and dumb 90DOCTOR DOLITTLE ..............English veterinarian; talks 16

to animalsQUEEN OF HEARTS ..............ruler of Wonderland; hothead 9FRANKENSTEIN ...................monster; grunts a lot n/aWICKED WITCHOF THE WEST ......................Dorothy’s nemesis; smart aleck 8HOPALONG CASSIDY ...........noble cowboy 7

BOMBALURINA—Cat ears. Use makeup to give her a cat nose and whiskers.

MOM—Fleece jacket, yoga pants.TIMMY—Whatever kids are wearing these days.

The book characters dress like they do in their books. It’s not necessary, however, to give them elaborate costumes. For the most part, each of the book characters can be identified by two or three key items, as listed below:

ROBIN HOOD—Green pointed hat, green tunic.TOM SAWYER—Straw hat, suspenders.SHERLOCK HOLMES—Deerstalker hat, trench coat.TOTO—Black pointy dog ears. Use makeup to give him a dog nose

and whiskers.DOROTHY—Calico dress, silver shoes (as in the book). Note that

the ruby slippers are from the 1939 MGM movie and are not in the public domain.

HEIDI—Dirndl, braided hair.POLLYANNA—Frilly 1910’s-era dress, large hair bow.LADY IN RED—Red dress, mink stole, red pillbox hat with veil.FAGIN—Shabby overcoat, flat wide-brimmed hat, scraggly beard

and moustache.LONG JOHN SILVER—Pirate hat, long coat, parrot. For the peg leg,

wrap the lower leg in a cardboard tube painted to look like wood. Or you can buy a “peg leg sock” from one of several online vendors. Either way, the realism of the effect will mostly depend on the stiff-legged walk of the actor.

OFFICER KETCHUM—Police uniform including hat.EDDIE and FINGERS—Black knit cap, black sweatshirt.DOCTOR DOLITTLE—Top hat, frock coat, stethoscope.QUEEN OF HEARTS—Crown, gown with hearts.FRANKENSTEIN—Dark jacket, clunky shoes, green makeup.WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST—Witch hat, black dress, green

makeup.HOPALONG CASSIDY—Cowboy hat, neck bandanna.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGBOMBALURINA, TIMMY, TOTO, OFFICER KETCHUM, FINGERS, and EDDIE can be played by either gender with few, if any, line changes.

The actor playing FAGIN can double as DOLITTLE and either FRANKENSTEIN or HOPALONG. The actress playing LADY IN RED can double as QUEEN OF HEARTS and WICKED WITCH.

For preview only

By Todd Wallinger

© Copyright 2017, by Todd Wallinger

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TODD WALLINGER to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

HEIDI’S LANGUAGEBeing Swiss, Heidi speaks German as her native language. The language she speaks here, however, is a mishmash of English, German, and some made-up words. Here’s a glossary to help you make sense of it all.Mein Himmel! (mine HIM-mel)—Heavens!Ach du lieber! (ock doo LEE-ber)—Oh, my goodness!Was ist los? (VAHS ist LOHS)—What’s the matter?Kaput (kuh-POOT)—Done for.Klinken-klanken (KLINK-en KLANK-en)—Made-up. Represents the

sound of a doorknob being turned.Gebrochen-schnappen (guh-BROKH-en SHNOP-en)—Made-up.

Combines the German words for “broken” and “snapped.”Mein (mine)—My.Auf wiedersehen, Fräulein Margie! (owf VEE-der-zane FROY-line MAHR-

jee)—Goodbye, Miss Margie!As a guide to her accent, some of her words have been spelled rather

creatively, with “w” becoming “v,” “s” becoming “sh,” and “th” becoming “s” or “z.” These are suggestions only.

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videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.

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For preview only - pioneerdrama.com · rights must be purchased before reproducing this script ii 35 the enchanted bookshop by todd wallinger cast of characters (in order of appearance)