feelings and questions, so don’t expect to understand it ...€¦ · This may seem counterintuitive, but it is vital to working through infidelity in the healthiest way. Talk with

© 2014 Suntia Smith, Infidelity Survival Guide 1

You’ve just discovered your partner is having an affair. Now what?

Your emotions are flying as fast as the

questions. Why? When? What does this mean

for us?

While this discovery is a blow, the good news

is you can survive infidelity. Many relationships

emerge from this traumatizing time stronger

and more committed than ever. Couples who

focus on recovery, rather than fault-finding

and blame have a high success rate in

overcoming the setbacks that can otherwise

derail couples who let emotions and anger

prevail. Knowing what to expect will help you

manage your thoughts and emotions through

this difficult time.

Expect a wide range of emotions; anger,

betrayal, and pain. Emotions you may not be

able to describe. Infidelity in a marriage or

committed relationship severs trust, crushes

dreams, and rocks both partners to the core.

Most people think that an affair is

entirely sexual, such as secret trysts

in a hotel. However, affairs can

also be emotional, where no

physical contact took place.

Emotional affairs happen in the

workplace – for instance, going to

lunch together and sitting alone

together in a car while confiding in

each other, rather than their

spouses. After hours texts or calls

can also be a sign of an emotional

relationship that is not business

like. Social media is also an

avenue for emotional affairs –

inappropriate messages, pokes and

cryptic posts between people other

than your spouse.


It’s not unusual to swing between pain and anger in a flash. However, those feelings

can turn to determination, clarity, and optimism as you work through these steps.

You can beat yourself up with endless questions. Why did this happen? What did

I do to cause this? What do we do now? Why am I angry/sad/mad?

Whether you suspected for a while or were completely blindsided by the

discovery, confusion is a normal reaction. It will take time to sort through the

feelings and questions, so don’t expect to understand it all right now. It is not the

time to make life-changing decisions. It is also NOT the time to bury your head in

the sand and shut down emotionally. This is why it is so important to do the

second step:

It will take time to sort through the

feelings and questions, so don’t expect to

understand it all right now.


This may seem counterintuitive, but it is vital to working through infidelity in the

healthiest way. Talk with a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to get your

thoughts and emotions in order about what you want to say to your partner.

Remember, your goal is to survive, so avoid the temptation to ambush your

partner with accusations and demands for answers. That approach will only put

your partner on the defensive, causing them to withdraw even more. Believe me,

as much as you want to react with anger, it makes it even more difficult to talk

things through later. If you feel like you won’t be able to talk to your partner

calmly, keep talking with your trusted resource until you feel calmer. This is the

key to step three:

The most powerful thing you can do during this

time is to stay calm. Choose a time and a private

place where you both are calm and feel safe.

Your partner should be relaxed, so don’t bring it

up while you are driving somewhere or just as

they’ve come in the door after work.

Choose a time and a

private place where

you both are calm

and feel safe.


You can expect to become emotional while stating your discovery, but because

you took the time to talk things out before confronting your partner, you won’t be

hysterical.

Even when you are calm, your partner may become defensive, deny, or leave

because they are not ready to face the fact that you found out. If they leave,

understand that its part of the confrontation phase.

Give them time to return or calm down and be willing to talk about it. Don’t follow

them, start an argument, or badger them for answers. I know it is difficult, but

they need time to understand that you know the truth about what happened. If

they have left or refused to discuss things, give them 24 hours before you


address it again. Don’t drag it out longer, but do address it the second time. You

can say something like, “I told you what I found out about the affair, and I would

like to talk it out with you to get some answers and discuss our next step.”

It’s up to your partner to continue the conversation. If they still avoid discussing

the infidelity, then your next step is to seek help for you by working with a

therapist, pastor or coach in order to move on to the next step:

Acceptance doesn’t mean you give in to defeat.

It does mean that you understand that you can’t

change the fact that your partner had an affair.

In this phase, it’s not uncommon to still be

dealing with a flood of emotions and confusion.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you have finished

talking about it or processing your feelings.

However, it will allow you to understand it is a

fact and that you are working from there.

By talking with a trusted advisor or friend, you will be able to separate fact from

feelings. Your feelings may continue to change, but you will be ready to move on

to the next step:

Acceptance means

that you understand

that you can’t change

the fact that your

partner had an affair.


Are you willing to save the relationship or walk away? What is your partner willing

to do? If you want to save the relationship, let your partner know. Start with

stating facts, “I know you had the affair, but I’m willing to work the relationship

out.” Leave out the drama and the desire to make your partner feel guilty. If you

are willing to save the relationship assume the spirit of reconciliation right from

the start. Tell your partner that there are steps you’ll both need to work through,

and begin with Couples Therapy.

If you do not want to stay, approach the split factually as well. I know it is difficult,

this is why it is so important to have a support system to listen objectively and

help you sort out your emotions and give you support for making the right

decision.

Are you willing to save the

relationship or walk away?


If you and your partner decide to save your marriage, don’t expect to fix things

overnight. While there are many issues you and your partner may have been

able to work through together, infidelity is one area where a therapist or

counselor’s guidance can be the difference between success or ultimately

splitting up.

If you are truly committed to rebuilding, work with a professional for at least 12

weekly sessions at first. A therapist will give you tools to get through the crisis

phase, learn to communicate and begin to rebuild trust with your partner.


Many couples elect to continue on a less frequent basis to further strengthen

their relationship.

This may seem like a lot of work, and it is, but doing the above steps will help you

ultimately reach the final step:

Your relationship received a heavy blow, there’s no doubt. However, there are

many couples that emerge stronger and better equipped to keep their

relationship thriving. For them, the affair didn’t signal the end of their marriage, it

was a wakeup call to reconnect, seek help, and employ new skills learned in

therapy to improve their relationship.

I’ve given you a checklist for surviving infidelity. While it gives you a clearer

picture of what to expect, you and your partner will still need to do the work.

You’ll continue to experience conflicting emotions, the unfaithful partner may

feel attacked, even couples who are 100 % committed may feel like giving up. In

working with a therapist, you’ll be able to work through those issues. Therapy is a

safe outlet for you both to express your feelings and learn how to be honest, yet

considerate as you work through them. You will learn ways to state your feelings

in constructive ways, listen to your partner’s views without feeling defensive and

focus on moving on in a healthy way.


Rebuilding after infidelity is challenging. One of the most difficult areas for many couples is re-establishing trust. Even couples where infidelity hasn’t occurred struggle when the baggage from past experiences weigh down their current relationship.

If you don't trust your partner because of past experiences then seek individual counseling to work out those issues so you don’t let it affect your relationship.

If you don't trust your partner because of things he/she is doing then communicate your concerns to them. Give them a chance to tell you how they are feeling...it could be a misunderstanding.

If you’ve discussed your concerns with your partner, but still feel they are not being truthful about what is going on, writing your feelings in a journal can help you sort things out. Write down the events or conversation where you felt mistrustful of your partner.

What did they say? Where were you? Who was around? Keep track for two or three weeks, then look back over your notes. If you still feel that your partner is being untruthful, talk with a confidential, objective person such as a friend, family member or therapist so you can work through your emotions and feelings before talking with your partner again.

*Journaling is always an effective way to sort out your emotions and perspectives in any relationship. It serves as your safe place to dream, set goals or consider your next steps when working through personal issues.


Is your relationship becoming a war zone?

Do you and your partner resort to fighting and arguing over money, sex, communication or even infidelity?

These arguments stem from one or both of you feeling that you are not being heard, your needs aren’t being met or that you don’t feel respected or loved.

Here’s a fun, non-confrontational way to discover how you can be a better partner or communicate your needs to the one you love. It’s the Wish game.

Take an index card and write five things that make you annoyed, frustrated or mad. On the flip side, write five things you WISH they would do instead.

Keep the description brief, down to one sentence. For instance. “You make me made when you interrupt me when I am talking.” On the back “I wish you would allow me to finish before you start to talk.”

Bring up one of these at a time, otherwise you can overwhelm your partner and they may become defensive or argumentative. Remember, this game is to help you and your partner express your frustration, but not in a rude, mad or sarcastic way. It is also to help you ask for what you need in the relationship.

When your partner talks, it’s your job to listen and vice versa. Do not argue or debate, just listen to what they have to say. Then answer, “I hear you and I will do my best to make your wish come true.” The end result of this exercise is to become aware that giving and receiving are key components to a successful relationship.


I can tell you yes, it does. I’ve seen it with many couples in my practice. Many times couples approach therapy full of pain and anger, but they also are dedicated to overcoming their issues and saving their marriage.

One couple came to me struggling after the wife discovered her husband of seven years had been in an affair with a co-worker for about six months. Her first reaction was to move out of the home and take their two-year-old son.

Both husband and wife had grown up in broken homes and agreed that they did not want that same situation for their son.

Working from the common ground that they wanted to save their marriage and provide an intact family for their son, we began the Couples Intensive Sessions.

Many issues were identified in that session; the wife felt she had given up her life to be a stay at home mom, the husband felt his wife didn’t see him anymore since the son was getting all the attention, and the co-worker’s attention made the husband feel special. As we worked together, both husband and wife were able to understand and discuss the series of events leading up to the husband’s affair, share their feelings about those events, and vocalize their views in a more constructive way.

I recommended marriage counseling for at least 12 sessions. During those sessions there were some setbacks, including feelings of guilt, shame, rejection and anger,

If you are facing issues in

your marriage or

relationship, you don’t

have to sort it out alone.

Seek help from a

professional such as a

pastor, relationship coach

or therapist.


however I also provided them with strategies to talk through these feelings effectively.

Over the course of the counseling, the couple took steps to rebuild trust. The husband had ended the affair when it was discovered, and to help his wife feel secure, he gave her all his passwords to social media, email, and phone. It demonstrated to her that he was open about his life.

The wife began online classes to help with her career goals while her husband started helping out more with their son. They also began to rebuild intimacy through date nights at least every two weeks and more open discussion of physical wants and needs. By doing so, the wife started to explore more options with her husband sexually, and to their mutual delight, sex increased from two times per month to two to three times per week.

Couples therapy is effective for any couple struggling with issues, especially infidelity. However, it can be a powerful tool to get your relationship back on track before infidelity occurs. The couple above learned how to give each other what they needed within the relationship. The husband felt needed and respected, while his wife felt appreciated and loved.

Infidelity can be overcome in a marriage or committed relationship, but there are no quick fixes. Giving you and your partner the time to work through these issues is the key to surviving infidelity and ultimately, thriving.

If you have any questions about how to save your marriage, please feel free to

contact me at (864) 444-3057.

I wish you and your partner the best,

Suntia Smith, MSW, LISW-CP


Suntia Smith, MSW, LISW-CP, is an Author, Licensed Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert. Suntia has a successful counseling practice in Greenville, SC where she specializes in helping couples who have experienced conflict, infidelity or trust issues in their relationship yet love each other and want to stay together. Suntia infuses her therapy style with her refreshing, empowering, and life-changing attitude. Clients love her authentic and truthful perspective.

Suntia has a Bachelor degree in Psychology, and a Master degree in Social Work from the University of South Carolina.

Suntia is a Popular Speaker, Group Facilitator and Workshop Presenter with an empowering and entertaining blend of down-to-earth teaching. When listening to Suntia, audiences are able to learn new skills and behaviors while being motivated to reach their highest potential.

Email: [email protected]

Website: http://suntiasmith.com/

Phone: (864) 444-3057

mailto:[email protected]

http://suntiasmith.com/

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feelings and questions, so don’t expect to understand it ...€¦ · This may seem counterintuitive, but it is vital to working through infidelity in the healthiest way. Talk with