“FARMERS ONLY DOT COM ISN’T RACIST” BY JARRED HODGDON

INT. STRIP MALL RESTERAUNT - NIGHT

JOE (25), black waiter, leads DAISY (30), white in farmer clothes complete with a straw hat, to her table.

JOE

Right this way ma’am. The rest of your

party will be arriving shortly?

DAISY

I should imagine. He’s a good lookin’

fella I met on Farmers Only dot com.

Joe recoils - examines his hand to see his skin color.

JOE

Um. Isn’t that an exclusive sight? The

one that...?

DAISY

Oh you think it’s code racism?! No.

That’s simply a misconception of which

I am only too happy to clear up.

JOE

Oh, good.

DAISY

Farmers y’see are a cultural and

economic subgroup that need a specific

dating site for a variety of reasons.

Cyclical economic patterns which make

for unconventional work shifts for

instance -- Oh! And not to mention our

geographical isolation.

JOE

Perfect sense. Please forgive my

ignorance. Say, it looks like your

date is arriving!

DUKE (30), a cowboy, struts up and tips his cowboy hat. He has a look of unease as Joe shows him his seat.

DUKE

Mmm hmm.

JOE

I’ll be back in a moment to take your

orders.

Joe leaves Daisy and Duke with the menus.

DUKE

Was that guy botherin’ you?

DAISY

The waiter? Naw, we just got to talkin-

DUKE

Don’t you jus hate when those--

DAISY

--when service folk overstep their

bounds and get to chit-chat? Sure, I

s’pose sometimes.

DUKE

I mus’ say, this is my first time

cyber dating and it sure is nice to be

sittin’ across the table from someone

so much like myself.

2.

DAISY

Right. A farmer!

DUKE

No. I mean--

Joe swoops in and drops off two glasses of water.

DAISY

Oh, thank you!

Daisy beams a smile to Joe as Duke grimaces and wipes his glass. Joe departs.

DAISY (CONT’D)

Tell me about yer work then.

DUKE

Whelp, corns my primary biz. I pump

rivers of corn oil to all the big

names in candy and fast food.

DAISY

Oh. So you’re sorta like a factory

farmer? Shucks. Me? I’m just a small

time family farmer.

DUKE

Well, that’s alright darlin’! We’re

the same where it counts!

DAISY

Our historical cultural and

demographic similarities?

DUKE

Naw. We’re both white!

Daisy GASPS.

3.

DAISY

You are a bigot!

Duke stands up in a HUFF.

DUKE

BIGOT ?! I’ll have you know I employ

many of the Latino persuasion!

DAISY

I’d throw this here water on you if I

wern’t so keenly aware of the present

drought and the imperative for

responsible use of natural resources!

Duke storms off. Daisy pouts. After a few moments Joe steps forward.

JOE

Is everything alright?

DAISY

You were right. My date put the cock

in Caucasian.

JOE

I’m sorry to hear that. Y’know...I get

off shortly, and I’d hate for you to

have to dine alone. Would you consider

dating outside of your--

DAISY

--Occupation? Well I would be open to

a farm to plate romance.

BLACKOUT

4.