Embed Size (px)
DESCRIPTION
A transcript of fall 2015 Orgo Night at Columbia University.
Citation preview
[Roar]
{SANTA}
Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the
impenetrable safe space wall, it’s the most intellectually dangerous band in
the world, the Columbia University Marching Penis Joke!
[Fanfare]
{RON}
Featuring:
J. Paris: Going up in flames.
J. Terrorists: Blowing up for fame.
J. Ferris: Stairs
[Fanfare]
{SANTA}
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,
sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic,
recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where
the shelves are longlasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are
checked out but long overdue. As well as Turkish missiles going up,
Russian planes going down, and Syria at an alltime fuck, the Band now
presents its 62nd consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in
Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous
Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyone’s enjoyment:
{SANTA}
SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.
{RON}
GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.
{SANTA}
CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.
{RON}
Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!
[Who Owns]
{JOKE 1 ACTIVISM}
{SANTA}
Recently it seems, things have been firing up all over campus, from the
Hartley laundry room to your postChipotle butthole. The Carman Facebook
group argued over whether it’s worse to live on the 8th floor and have to
wait for the elevator, or to live on the 13th floor and be trans. Student
Worker Solidarity had the gall to ask that they be paid a Sweetgreen salad
per hour. Things are so crazy that nobody noticed when the “Jews Control
the World” guy took his sign and moved on to a more receptive part of New
York—Trump Tower.
But everyone’s favorite antiSemite isn’t the only campus activist who
hasn’t been showing up this semester. Like a Columbia boy after a one
night stand, No Red Tape faded away. Like a fetus on the black market,
Radical C.U.N.T.S. broke apart. Like a Palestinian child after a beachside
excursion, SJP has been MIA. And just like the polar bears, Columbia
Divest for Climate Justice is a group none of us care about.
Still, at least Columbia Divest has been trying to meet with PrezBo about
Columbia’s $400 million invested in fossil fuels—that’s roughly the cost of
one dose of AIDS medication or 200 private Wu Tang Clan albums. After
months of threatening civil disobedience, Columbia Divest was finally ready
to pull the trigger, like the Planned Parenthood shooter after that baby parts
joke we just made. But, at the last minute, they were caught up in the red
tape of how to incorporate No Red Tape… along with Student Worker
Solidarity, the International Socialist Organization, and, because they
realized they were severely lacking, black people.
By creating the Student Power Coalition—[Ron whispers] wait, they
changed their name, the Barnard Columbia Solidarity Network—[Ron
whispers] whoops, it’s just changed again, Columbia for the Eradication of
People Who Disagree With Us—student activists have become what
they’ve always hated: a bloated, ineffective, dicksucking bureaucracy.
That’s right, just like a CPS therapist, activists are supposed to be here to
help you, but are so disorganized they can’t even find a time to meet.
Eventually though, they all managed to pull their heads out of each other’s
asses, rising up to start the first allyoucanprotestbuffet, except at this
buffet there’s no choice because you’re forcefed everything.
Now, according to activists, you’re only allowed to care about the
environment if you’re an atheist socialist that didn’t use a French flag filter
on Facebook. And a group like No Red Tape, whose mission statement
once again should be pretty simple—“Don’t Rape People”—has been
forced by the radical protest community to make themselves more
intersexual I mean intersectional—“Don’t Rape People, You Dirty Jew.”
By creating this dogooder donothing superpac, activist organizations
forced together should finally be realizing something about themselves:
they’re all impossible to work with. Which is weird, because they literally
have to do one thing—do things. Ultimately, what this means is Columbia
activists have become less effective than abstinence in the Bible Belt.
In honor of standing up for what you believe in, the band now marches into
Low and plays “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked in This
Office.”
[I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE]
{JOKE 2 FOOTBALL}
{RON}
As the world witnessed terrorists explode outside a stadium, we witnessed
the football team implode inside a stadium. While everyone watches as
Trump spewed offensive lines, no one watched the Lion’s lack of an
offensive line. And everybody lost it when that dentist killed Cecil the Lion,
yet nobody cared that the Lions killed the losing streak. The Lions ushered
in a new era, by winning their first game in two years and remaining
undefeated for an entire week.
We’re going to come right out and say it: this doesn’t mean our team is
good at football. Hell, we’re still not sure this team even plays football. We
only won 2 out of 10 games. 20% is still a hard F. Or, if you’re in SEAS, a
hard B+. The worst thing is now we’re just the team that loses all the time
instead of being the team that’s best at losing.
At Cornell, we lost 03. That’s as pathetic as the Paris attacker who only
managed to blow up himself. And Brown beat us faster than their police
officers beat a Latino student. For fuck’s sake, former coach Pete
Mangurian, the guy who thought ignoring concussions made them go
away, won three games in his first year here. Really makes you think...too
bad the team can’t anymore.
What’s incredible to us is that the administration still cares about football,
throwing money at the program as if a new field, new uniforms, and new
coach will magically give us players who are good enough to pass a
football... Lit Hum. And we know students don’t actually care, except for
that one guy who dresses in the Roaree costume, because football game
attendance is still worse than the next Eagles of Death Metal concert. But
after only two wins everyone seems to be intoxicated by school spirit and
football players can finally say they score on the weekends without using
roofies. It just goes to show that, even at a school like Columbia, football is
so revered that when you’re the captain of a 2win team, everyone forgets
that you committed a hate crime your sophomore year.
In honor of the #NewEra, the band now forms our new head coach and
plays, “You Can Call Me Al Bagnoli.”
[YOU CAN CALL ME AL]
{JOKE 3 BARNARD}
{SANTA}
Barnard’s administration—for a school that has all but denied any
culpability in the campus rape epidemic, it seems happy to fuck over its
students at every turn. It’s almost as if they value the flowered magnolia
more than its deflowered student named Magnolia. Unless you're Dean
Hinkson, in which case you value Magnolia more than every other student
on campus who's not crying.
For example, the admin moved to change their winter break housing policy,
which has become the biggest obstacle to Barnard girls securing a
bed—after signins. The proposed policy change would allow only “mission
critical” students to stay on campus, like tour guides, athletes, or Dean
Hinkson, the workstudy girl who gives undercuts in the Diana. But it didn’t
take long before petitions, Facebook posts, and opeds prompted SGA to
abandon the role of being DSpar’s clitsucker and solve the issue with Dean
Hinkson’s most potent weapon—a pandering mass email. Now, Barnard
students in need of winter break housing will only have to prove they’re
actually homeless, by harassing deans as they come and go from
MortonWilliams.
Those aren’t the only changes affecting students. Barnard also decided to
withdraw its funding for CUE, which, for those of you that don’t know, is like
COOP for fat kids with asthma. Another problem is yeast infections—the
second most foul thing on Barnard's campus since Dean Hinkson took
office. Also, students are feeling sentimental over the decaying, rotten
husk that is Lehman Library, whose destruction has forced them to find
new, secluded places to study, like their professor’s apartment the morning
after.
But not all of Barnard’s problems are Dean Hinkson. Frat boys sloppily
constructed a “No Girls Aloud” fort, which was probably modeled after the
sloppily constructed Lerner Hall. They also passed around a petition to
repeal the 19th Amendment, which was mistaken for the Greek Council’s
decision that women only count as 1/3rd of a person.
Shortly after its creation, the fort went down faster than a Barnard girl.
Students rushed in to dismantle the oppressive, violent, global
patriarchy—by which we mean, they cleaned up the boys’ mess and
headed back to their kitchens. All of this of course means some freshmen
Dean Hinkson proteges decided to write the most blowhard oped we’ve
seen since, well, the last oped Spec published. The oped, entitled
“Barnard’s Not Here For Your Entertainment,” insisted that Barnard and its
students aren’t a punchline—well, this is pretty awkward.
In honor of blowing hard, the band now forms Dean Hinkson and plays,
“Barnard Girl.”
[BARBIE GIRL]
{JOKE 4 IVY LEAGUE}
{RON}
The countdown to the 2016 election means taking a hard look at the
internal politics and culture of one of America’s oldest institutions:it’s
alienating to minorities, committed to “traditional values,” ruled by financial
interests, and views dissenting voices as a threat.
Yes, The Ivy League, the Grand Old Party of sports conferences, home to
the rich, white, and selfobsessed. When you look at the candidates in the
presidential race, they each bear resemblance to one of America’s top
schools.
Jeb Bush is the Harvard of the Republican candidates, showing promise
despite only getting into the race thanks to family connections.
Unfortunately for Jeb and Harvard, both managed to lose debates to men
who admitted to stabbing someone. Not to mention, their guaranteed #1
ranking was lost to some obscenely rich orange asshole.
Of course, we mean Princeton and Trump, because both of them suddenly
spiked to #1 in the polls despite clearly being fuckboys with bad hair. Also,
Trump’s stance on immigration seems to be directly pulled from Princeton’s
admissions policy: Muslims and Mexicans need not apply.
Dartmouth College is running for president in the form of John Kasich.
Confusing to pronounce, boringly white, and hailing from the middle of
nowhere, Kasich’s campaign follows the Dartmouth school motto — a voice
crying out in the wilderness. (Plus, if you look into his eyes, you can see
deep down in his soul that he’s fucked a sheep).
Cornell is an Ivy League school as much as Carly Fiorina is a politician —
only technically, with no merits or accomplishments. With her madeup
facts about Planned Parenthood, she sounds as educated as a Cornell
alum. And, at HP, Carly left as many people unemployed as the Cornell
School of Hotel Administration.
We were going to have Bobby Jindal be Brown because… I mean, it’s kind
of obvious… he went there! Unfortunately, like the Brown alum he is, he
couldn’t manage to pass/fail the presidential election and dropped out. But
with Jindal pulling out, we’ve decided the only other candidate for Brown is
Marco Rubio because… I mean, it’s also kind of obvious… they’ll talk a lot
about diversity, but they’re really just asses.
Speaking of asses, let’s not forget the democrats! Having spent decades as
Bill’s #2, Hillary Clinton embodies her lawma mater, Yale. She, too, was
fraught with an email scandal, except that while Yale’s emails caused their
approval to plummet to President Bushlevels, Hillary’s scandal will earn
her the democratic nomination.
Finally, you are what you tweet, so Columbia is Bernie Sanders. While
Hillary’s Yale might be the Blue Ivy ahead in the ranks, the true blue among
us just can’t say no to idealistic liberal extremism. Which is why, like
Bernie, most of us will soon be unemployed.
In honor of the democratic process, the band forms everyone’s favorite
news source and plays, “What Does The Bigoted Racist Say?”.
{JOKE 5 NATIONAL RACISM}
{SANTA}
In 2015, white people—for the second year in a row—have been forced to
acknowledge that other people exist. It’s been a great year for hip hop, with
instant classics from Drake, Kendrick Lamar, and LinManuel Miranda. It
was also the year white people learned about the phrase “whip and nae
nae.” 2015 also saw some of the most diverse casting in television history
from critically acclaimed shows like Master of None, Fresh off the Boat, and
Empire. It’s nice to see mainstream media casting people of color in roles
other than “looter,” “thug,” or “math nerd.”
Despite all this, 2015 was also a great year for racism. We saw continued
highprofile police violence in the murder of Laquan Macdonald. Chicago
police officers involved in the coverup thought they could take the Burger
King security footage to go and “Have it Their Way.” In Minneapolis, the
Black Lives Matter movement began protesting after Jamar Clark’s murder
by the police. Soon after, the cops allegedly hired NRA hitmen to kill the
protesters, which is precisely the kind of PR move we’ve come to expect
from police. This circle of racist rightwing skullfuckery dominates national
discourse, at least until tomorrow’s Star Wars premiere.
Tensions also flared at the University of Missouri, where after a month of
students of color protesting ineffectively, the football team went on strike
because the only thing more scary to a white man from Missouri than an
educated black man, is a black man not playing football. Within two days,
the president resigned. That’s crazy—our football team went on strike for
two whole years and Prezbo actually got a raise.
Likewise, Dartmouth’s Black Lives Matter group has gotten attention for a
recent protest and it seems they and the band have a very similar
understanding of what it means to form a safe space: storm a library,
scream a little, and piss everyone else off. Though, we must say, the band
prefers to beat drums rather than random people.
To make things worse, now we’ve got the Donald Trump campaign bringing
hatred back to the mainstream. Fans love how he “says what everyone
thinks but is too afraid to say.” Though, based on what he’s saying, it
seems more like he’s actually just too afraid to think. Let the Trump
campaign be a lesson to us at Columbia: some groups, like Trump
supporters, should be marginalized.
In honor of assbackwards opinions, the band now travels to 1950 and
plays Time Warp.
[TIME WARP]
{JOKE 4 IVY LEAGUE}
{RON}
The countdown to the 2016 election means taking a hard look at the
internal politics and culture of one of America’s oldest institutions:it’s
alienating to minorities, committed to “traditional values,” ruled by financial
interests, and views dissenting voices as a threat.
Yes, The Ivy League, the Grand Old Party of sports conferences, home to
the rich, white, and selfobsessed. When you look at the candidates in the
presidential race, they each bear resemblance to one of America’s top
schools.
Jeb Bush is the Harvard of the Republican candidates, showing promise
despite only getting into the race thanks to family connections.
Unfortunately for Jeb and Harvard, both managed to lose debates to men
who admitted to stabbing someone. Not to mention, their guaranteed #1
ranking was lost to some obscenely rich orange asshole.
Of course, we mean Princeton and Trump, because both of them suddenly
spiked to #1 in the polls despite clearly being fuckboys with bad hair. Also,
Trump’s stance on immigration seems to be directly pulled from Princeton’s
admissions policy: Muslims and Mexicans need not apply.
Dartmouth College is running for president in the form of John Kasich.
Confusing to pronounce, boringly white, and hailing from the middle of
nowhere, Kasich’s campaign follows the Dartmouth school motto — a voice
crying out in the wilderness. (Plus, if you look into his eyes, you can see
deep down in his soul that he’s fucked a sheep).
Cornell is an Ivy League school as much as Carly Fiorina is a politician —
only technically, with no merits or accomplishments. With her madeup
facts about Planned Parenthood, she sounds as educated as a Cornell
alum. And, at HP, Carly left as many people unemployed as the Cornell
School of Hotel Administration.
We were going to have Bobby Jindal be Brown because… I mean, it’s kind
of obvious… he went there! Unfortunately, like the Brown alum he is, he
couldn’t manage to pass/fail the presidential election and dropped out. But
with Jindal pulling out, we’ve decided the only other candidate for Brown is
Marco Rubio because… I mean, it’s also kind of obvious… they’ll talk a lot
about diversity, but they’re really just asses.
Speaking of asses, let’s not forget the democrats! Having spent decades as
Bill’s #2, Hillary Clinton embodies her lawma mater, Yale. She, too, was
fraught with an email scandal, except that while Yale’s emails caused their
approval to plummet to President Bushlevels, Hillary’s scandal will earn
her the democratic nomination.
Finally, you are what you tweet, so Columbia is Bernie Sanders. While
Hillary’s Yale might be the Blue Ivy ahead in the ranks, the true blue among
us just can’t say no to idealistic liberal extremism. Which is why, like
Bernie, most of us will soon be unemployed.
In honor of the democratic process, the band forms everyone’s favorite
news source and plays, “What Does The Bigoted Racist Say?”.
[WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY]
{JOKE 5 NATIONAL RACISM}
{SANTA}
In 2015, white people—for the second year in a row—have been forced to
acknowledge that other people exist. It’s been a great year for hip hop, with
instant classics from Drake, Kendrick Lamar, and LinManuel Miranda. It
was also the year white people learned about the phrase “whip and nae
nae.” 2015 also saw some of the most diverse casting in television history
from critically acclaimed shows like Master of None, Fresh off the Boat, and
Empire. It’s nice to see mainstream media casting people of color in roles
other than “looter,” “thug,” or “math nerd.”
Despite all this, 2015 was also a great year for racism. We saw continued
highprofile police violence in the murder of Laquan Macdonald. Chicago
police officers involved in the coverup thought they could take the Burger
King security footage to go and “Have it Their Way.” In Minneapolis, the
Black Lives Matter movement began protesting after Jamar Clark’s murder
by the police. Soon after, the cops allegedly hired NRA hitmen to kill the
protesters, which is precisely the kind of PR move we’ve come to expect
from police. This circle of racist rightwing skullfuckery dominates national
discourse, at least until tomorrow’s Star Wars premiere.
Tensions also flared at the University of Missouri, where after a month of
students of color protesting ineffectively, the football team went on strike
because the only thing more scary to a white man from Missouri than an
educated black man, is a black man not playing football. Within two days,
the president resigned. That’s crazy—our football team went on strike for
two whole years and Prezbo actually got a raise.
Likewise, Dartmouth’s Black Lives Matter group has gotten attention for a
recent protest and it seems they and the band have a very similar
understanding of what it means to form a safe space: storm a library,
scream a little, and piss everyone else off. Though, we must say, the band
prefers to beat drums rather than random people.
To make things worse, now we’ve got the Donald Trump campaign bringing
hatred back to the mainstream. Fans love how he “says what everyone
thinks but is too afraid to say.” Though, based on what he’s saying, it
seems more like he’s actually just too afraid to think. Let the Trump
campaign be a lesson to us at Columbia: some groups, like Trump
supporters, should be marginalized.
In honor of assbackwards opinions, the band now travels to 1950 and
plays Time Warp.
[TIME WARP]
{JOKE 6 CAMPUS RACISM}
{RON}
This semester, Mizzou wasn’t the only school experiencing racial conflict,
as Yale students reminded us every fucking day. Yes, they got an equal
amount of attention for screaming about an email which essentially said
that they should all be smart enough to avoid offensive Halloween
costumes. “Of course we are!” said one Yalie dressed as Darth Jenner.
Meanwhile, Princeton is grappling with the legacy of former University
President Woodrow Wilson, who was racist even by the standards of
America a hundred years ago, or Long Island today. And frankly, it’s
impressive that he could be so behind the times. He’s kind of like your
friend who just found out about Serial… the breakfast food, not the
podcast. But Princeton has moved beyond Wilson’s repugnant racial
theories, as recent generations of Princeton students have proved that
people of color are just as capable as white people of being elitist
dickholes.
And this semester, Columbia’s seen its own share of controversies: A
recent oped revealed that at Basketball Mania, one of the most historically
oppressed groups in this country suffered another blow. That’s right,
women’s basketball players. The oped accused their pep rally dance
routine, which featured players twerking with basketballs stuffed in their
shorts, of being “a modern minstrel show, featuring a bunch of slam
dunking Rachel Dolezal wannabes.” Though we agree the performance
was pretty tasteless, if only because it featured white people dancing at all,
we don’t think protesting was the right solution. In fact, the small group of 8
activists practically tripled the number of people in attendance. Plus, we
think it’s actually a little transphobic to say that the women’s team isn’t
allowed to have balls in their shorts.
The bottom line is, when Missourians are being threatened with
supremacist violence, Chicagoans are being gunned down by police, and
Muslims are being scapegoated by an entire political party, it really puts
your twitter activism into perspective #ThisHomeworkIsLiterallyKillingMe
#NoPrideAllPrejudice #StayWokeinThis8:40. After all, not everyone’s
problems can be solved as easily as using a color swatch system to match
students with CC professors.
One thing’s for sure though, racism isn’t dead. And neither are the baby
boomers making Facebook statuses which say: “College kids these days
are too sensitive. We didn’t have protests when I went to school—hell, we
didn’t even have black people.”
In honor of navigating racial issues, the band now forms a Twitter slacktivist
and plays Bound 2 ##
[BOUND 2]
{SANTA}
Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you
with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:
{RON}
Avogadro's number is to a mole what Avocado's number is to guacamole.
{SANTA}
Organic chemistry is like regular chemistry, but it costs more.
{RON}
The ring forming reaction involving azide groups on an alkane is known as
a click reaction. When you put a ring on her finger, it's known as a clit
reaction.
{SANTA}
And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part
of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the
solution are part of the Band!
{RON}
Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way
out!
[Raw]
