Fairground Story

By Mr Brewis

Mr Brewis has written a story about the fairground BUT it

needs A LOT of improving to make it better.

Can you help?

Lo: to change the vocabulary in a sentence to make it more interesting for the reader.

We need to change some of the words used so that they are WOW words!

There was a boy called Peter. He went to the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair. Peter liked the fair. He went home and told his mother about it.

“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.“Yes” said Peter.

Peter’s coconuts.

They went to the fair. It was fun. Lights were flashing.

Peter went to the ghost train, then on the waltzer, then the merry –go-round. Then Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut but he didn’t win one.

Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he couldn’t find it. Peter was sad. He didn’t have enough money to try to win another coconut. Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a policeman.

“Is everything ok?” said Peter.“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said Joe.“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.

Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet. Then he had one last go at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.

This story could be so much better if we used some exciting vocabulary.

Can you think of a sentence to describe what you see at the funfair? Make sure you include a WOW word to describe it.

You task is to take your sheet and add or change a word or to write a whole new sentence to make the story more interesting for the reader.

Lo: to use connectives to add more detail to our sentence.

The story is so much more interesting now that we have improved the vocabulary that has been used. Now we can make it even better by using some connecting words so that we add more detail for the reader.

Peter loved the fair.

Peter loved the fair because the flashing lights and loud music where so exciting.

Using a connective gives us the chance to add more detail to the story (and more wow words)!

“but” or “so”? Which is the best connective?

It was very dark outside…. I took my torch.

I heard an owl hooting… I couldn’t see it anywhere.

I love making cakes… I don’t like doing all the washing up afterwards.

I was really good at the weekend… so Mum let me do some baking with her.

Mum was cross …. I broke her favourite vase.Mum shouted at me … she sent me to my room.I did all my work …. everyone else.My teacher said I could play …. I had finished all my work.

“before” or “because”? Which is the best connective?

Your task is to choose a connective from the box at the top of the sheet and add it to the sentences so that you add some more detail to the story.

Don’t forget to use some wow words when you add more detail!

The story is looking so much better now.Here it is again with some of your improvements added in. Try to remember any parts you think are much better now and tell me afterwards.

There was a young boy called Peter. He went to the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair. Peter absolutely loved the fair because there were so many exciting rides you could go on. He went home and told his mother about it.

“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.“Yes” said Peter.

Peter’s coconuts.

They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights were flashing everywhere and there was loud music that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear himself speak.

Peter went to the scary ghost train, then on the amazing waltzer, then the spinning merry –go-round. Then Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are so tasty but he didn’t win one.

Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he couldn’t find it. Peter was sad because he didn’t have enough money to try to win another coconut. Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a policeman.

“Is everything ok?” said Peter.“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said Joe.“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.

Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet because now he had enough money for one last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.

Do you think the story was better now? What parts do you think were improved?

Here is a copy with all of the improvements you made in red.

There was a young boy called Peter. He went to the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair. Peter absolutely loved the fair because there were so many exciting rides you could go on. He went home and told his mother about it.

“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.“Yes” said Peter.

Peter’s coconuts.

They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights were flashing everywhere and there was loud music that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear himself speak.

Peter went to the scary ghost train, then on the amazing waltzer, then the spinning merry –go-round. Then Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are so tasty but he didn’t win one.

Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he couldn’t find it. Peter was sad because he didn’t have enough money to try to win another coconut. Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a policeman.

“Is everything ok?” said Peter.“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said Joe.“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.

Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet because now he had enough money for one last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.

Haven’t you done a lot of work improving my story!

Well, we can make it even BETTER!

Lo: to change the start of the sentence so that it is more interesting for the reader.

Have you noticed in my story I use the word “then” a lot.

We need to think of some better ways to start our sentences than boring old “Then he…”

We are going to use 3 different types

“When” starter Last night….“How” starter Carefully, he crept …..“Where” starter At the fair….

What is the most interesting way to finish the sentence?

A long time ago ….Quickly …One dark and stormy night ….Cautiously ….

What is the most interesting way to finish the sentence?

Quickly …To his great surprise ….I will never forget the day that …Spookily …

Your task today is to change the start of the sentence so that it is more interesting for the reader.

This story is now so much better than it was when I first wrote it.

It is so important to go over your work and make improvements just like you have to mine so that you write the best story you possibly can!

Today we are going to look at the punctuation that we use in our writing and see how we can improve the story by using correct punctuation.

Lo: to use punctuation correctly in a sentence.

.

,

“speech marks”

?

!

…

Full stop, question mark or exclamation mark?

The mouse ran across the floorLook out It’s a catWill the mouse be able to escape

Full stop, question mark or exclamation mark?

Be quietThis class is getting too noisyHave you forgotten how to work quietly

Speech marks only go around what the person is actually saying.

“I love coconuts” shouted Peter.

Peter cried “Oh no, I’ve lost my wallet!”

Where do the speech marks go?

The music is so loud shouted Mum.

Look at the fantastic flashing lights called Peter.

I found a wallet on the floor replied Joe.

Your task is to go through the story and make sure the correct punctuation marks have been used. Where there is a box you will have to place one of the marks.

Have you noticed that I have used the word said so many times.

He said, she said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said,

It all gets a bit boring doesn’t it.I don’t like said!

Lo: to use alternative words for said when using dialogue.

We are going to change the word said for a different word that still makes sense, like shouted, called or replied.

Don’t say “said” say ……

Who might speak in this way? When? Why?

Shouted groaned bellowedstuttered announcedasked whimpered

Your task is to change the word said for a different word that still makes sense, like shouted, called or replied.

Lo: to add more detail about how the characters are feeling to our story.

I think that you could make the story even better now by adding new paragraphs to the story about how Peter is excited to be at the fair and how much fun he and Joe have when he has got his money back.

What sentences could we use to show how excited Peter is when he gets to the fair?

Remember to use connectives, wow words and punctuation.

What sentences could we use to show what fun things the boys do after they have found the wallet?

Remember to use connectives, wow words and punctuation.

Lo: to add more detail about how the characters are feeling to our story.

Your task is to write two new paragraphs:

1. to show how excited Peter is when he gets to

the fair.

2. to show what fun things the boys do after they have found the wallet.

Remember to use good openers, speech, connectives, wow words and punctuation.

Thank you!

You have helped me to really improve my story. Here is a new version with all of the really good ideas that you have come up with to help me!

Today you will be writing your own story about a visit to the fair.

One day Peter went to the park with some of his friends. While he was at the park he saw a notice about the fair. Peter absolutely loved the fair because there were so many exciting rides you could go on. Later Peter went home and told his mother about it.

“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.“Would you like to go?” asked his Mum.“Yes!” cried Peter “Thank you so much”.

The next day Peter and his Mum went to the fair. It was so amazing. Lights were flashing everywhere and there was loud music that filled the air.

Peter could hardly hear himself speak the music was pumping so loudly! He could see lots of fantastic ride like the dodgems, the rollercoaster, the big dipper and the hook a duck. He wanted to go on all of them! He was so excited!

First Peter went to the scary ghost train, after that he went on the amazing waltzer. Later he had a go on the spinning merry –go-round. Finally Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are so tasty but he didn’t win one because he didn’t knock it off the pole.

Later that night Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he couldn’t find it. Peter was sad because he didn’t have enough money to try to win another coconut. He turned around and he saw his friend Joe talking to a policeman.

“Is everything ok?” asked Peter.“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” answered Joe.“That’s mine, you found it. I was looking everywhere for it and I thought I would have to go home” replied Peter.

Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet because now he had enough money for one last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.

Joe and Peter decided to go on the twisting and turning roller coaster.“Wheeeeee” shrieked Joe.“I’ve had the best day ever!” shouted Peter.

Eventually they ran out of money and it was time to meet Mum and go home.

That night Peter slept like a log because he was so tired out from his trip to the fair.

To improve your writing in the future remember to use VCOP.

There are lots of ideas for you to use on the literacy wall, as long as you put your hands up and ask you can always go and take a look.

Will you win a VCOP sticker for your work?

Who are your characters?

What words will you use to describe the fair?

What happens to the characters (problem)?

How do they solve the problem?

What happens at the end of the story?

Lo: to plan a story about an exciting trip to the fair.

Lo: to write an opening paragraph that describes the setting.

Imagine your partner has never been to the fair before. Think of a sentence to describe

Cats – What you smellChimps – What you can hearCrocs – How you feelGoats – what you can see

Remember to use powerful adjectives.

We need to make sure that the reader wants to carry on reading our story, we have to make it interesting and add detail.

Lets put some of those ideas into a paragraph.

Steps to success

• Include why your characters are going there.

• Use powerful adjectives and wow words to describe what things they will be able to see, hear, smell and how they feel.

• Lets your words paint a picture in the reader’s head.

Lo: to write an opening paragraph that describes the setting.

Lo: to write a story using the plans we have written.

Steps to success.

• Make sure you use your best handwriting

• Make sure you have included everything from your plan.

• Use full stops, capital letters and paragraphs.

• Use wow words - Use the VCOP display to help.