Elder Richard G. Scott said: I solemnly testify that when
anothers acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly,
against your will, you are not responsible, and you must not feel
guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not
be permanent. In the eternal plan, in the Lords timetable, those
injuries can be made right as you do your part. Here is what you
can do now.
Slide 3
(first)seek help nowBegin with your Eternal Father and his
Beloved Son, your Savior. They will lead you to others who will
strengthen and encourage youTalk to your Bishop in confidenceHe has
the right to be inspired of the Lord in your behalf. He can use the
priesthood to bless youWhen abuse is extreme, he can help you
identify appropriate protection and professional treatment
consistent with the teachings of the Savior.
Slide 4
(Second, understand) the principles of healingRecognize that
you are a beloved child of your Heavenly Father. He loves you
perfectly and can help you as no earthly parent, spouse, or devoted
friend canGain trust in the love and compassion of your elder
brother, Jesus Christ, by pondering the scripturesHealing best
begins with your sincere prayer asking your Father in Heaven for
helpDo all in (your) power to stop the abuseDo not waste effort in
revenge or retributionLeave the handling of the offender to civil
and Church authoritiesUnderstand that healing can take considerable
time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when
gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement
noted
Slide 5
(Third), you cannot erase what others have done, but you can
forgiveForgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds for it allows the
love of God to purge your heart and mind of the position of hate.
It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes
place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the lord
Slide 6
(Fourth), I caution you not to participate in two improper
therapeutic practices that may cause you more harm than good. (1)
excessive probing into every minute detail of your past
experiences, particularly when this involves penetrating dialogue
in group discussion. (2) blaming the abuser for every difficulty in
your life. There is another danger. Detailed leading questions that
probe your past may unwittingly trigger thoughts that are more
imagination of fantasy than reality. They could lead to
condemnation of acts that were not committed Remember false
accusation is also a sin.
Slide 7
Forgive(Matthew 18) Forgiveness helps heal Begin by withholding
judgment. You dont know what abusers may have suffered as victims
when innocent. The way to repentance must be kept open for them As
you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will
come more easily You cannot erase what has been done, but you can
forgive. Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows
the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate.
It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes
place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord..
Slide 8
HEALING THE TRAGIC SCARS OF ABUSE One of the great tragedies of
our day is the increasing number of cases of abuse. Some of you,
here, may understand this all too well. Some of you know firsthand
the scars that can be left by abuse. There may even be someone here
who has been guilty of abusing another. You need to understand the
pain another may have felt at your hand. Elder Scott said: As a
victim you [may] have experienced fear, depression, guilt,
self-hatred, destruction of self-esteem, and alienation from normal
human relationships.
Slide 9
When aggravated by continued abuse, powerful emotions of
rebellion, anger, and hatred are generated. These feelings often
are focused against oneself, others, life itself, and even Heavenly
Father. Frustrated efforts to fight back can degenerate into drug
abuse, immorality abandonment of home, and, tragically in extreme
cases, suicide. Unless corrected, these feelings lead to despondent
lives, discordant marriages, and even the transition from victim to
abuser. One awful result is a deepening lack of trust in other,
which becomes a barrier to healing (Healing the Tragic Scars of
Abuse).
Slide 10
Elder Scott taught that those scars need not be permanent. He
said: Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely
destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause
pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your
eternal determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your
attitude can control the change for good in you life. It allows you
to have the help the Lord intends you to receive the laws of your
Heavenly Father and the atonement of the lord have made it possible
that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the
children of God (ibid).
Slide 11
INTRODUCTION Some years ago, I struggled to know how to help a
priest in my ward. He had already violated the law of chastity to
some degree and was very close to falling further. We talked about
a mission. He assured me that he still planned to go. I asked him
if he understood that more serious violations of the law of
chastity would certainly delay his mission plans and could prevent
them altogether. He said: Well, I know that repentance is always
available. I know of many who have gone on missions who have
violated the law of chastity. You just repent before you go. Then
he added, My own brother was guilty of fornication before his
mission and was still able to go and.. he served a good mission. I
talked to him about it and he said that he was actually glad that
he had committed those sins. He felt it made him a stronger, better
person. He said he also felt it made him a better missionary. He
was better able to understand people and have compassion for them.
So, you see, he added, I think you actually come out ahead when you
sin and repent. That young man, by the way, has now been married
and divorced twice.
Slide 12
I did all I knew how to do to persuade him to repent and not
sin further. Unfortunately, he was so convinced that he could have
a few free ones, repent, and then go on a mission, that he did not
heed my counsel. He persisted in sin, was guilty of fornication,
lost all desire to serve a mission, and is now out of the church.
What a loss to himself, his future wife and children.
Slide 13
President Spencer W. Kimball said: An error into which some
transgressors fall, because of the availability of Gods
forgiveness, is the illusion that they are somehow stronger [or
better off] for having committed sin and then lived through the
period of repentance. This simply is not true The reformed
transgressor, it is true may be more understanding of one who falls
into the same sin, and to that extent perhaps more helpful in the
latters regeneration. But his sin and repentance have certainly not
made him stronger than the consistently righteous person (Miracle
of Forgiveness, 357).
Slide 14
WHY DO PEOPLE PROCRASTINATE REPENTANCE? Perhaps, the two most
common reasons are: 1.Repentance is perceived to be too easy.
2.Repentance is perceived to be too hard.
Slide 15
(Repentance requires godly sorrow, or suffering) What is Godly
Sorrow? Elder Orson Pratt said: There are different kinds of
sorrows. Thieves, robbers, murderers, adulterers, etc. are
frequently sorrowful because they have been detected in the crimes
they have committed. They are not sorrowful because they have
sinned against God, or because they have injured others Others have
sorrow arising through fear. They are convinced that they have
violated the law of God, and they greatly fear the consequences in
the great judgment day; but yet they feel no disposition to
[change]But the sorrow that is acceptable in the sight of Godis a
sorrow which arises from a knowledge of our own unworthiness
[before] GodThis kind of sorrow will lead us to obey every
commandment of God; it will make us humbleit will cause us to
watch, with great carefulness, every word, [every] thought, and
[every] deed (True Repentance, A series of Pamphlets by Orson
Pratt, 30-31).
Slide 16
GODLY SORROW Godly sorrow, then, consists of three main things.
First: an awareness of our unworthiness before God. Second: an
awareness of our complete dependence upon the Lord. Third: a
willingness to submit to the will of God and to keep every
commandment.
Slide 17
There can be no real repentance without personal suffering and
the passage of sufficient time for the needed cleansing and turning
(Repentance, Ensign, November 1991).
Slide 18
Repentance requires confession. Confession lets the sin that
makes us spiritually sick empty out and the Spirit of the Lord fill
its place. Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught that there are two
confessions required by the Lord. There are two confessions and two
sources of forgiveness. A sinner must always confess all sins,
great and small, to the Lord; in addition, any sins involving moral
turpitude and any serious sins for which a person might be
disfellowshipped or excommunicated must also be confessed to the
Lords agent, who in most instances is the Bishop. The Bishop is
empowered to forgive sins as far as the Church is concerned,
meaning that he can choose to retain the repentant person in full
fellowship and not impose court penalties upon him. Ultimate
forgiveness in all instances and for all sins comes from the Lord
and from the Lord only (A New Witness for; the Articles of Faith,
236).
Slide 19
Pride keeps repentance from even starting or continuing. Some
fail because they are more concerned with the preservation of their
public image than with having Christs image in their countenances!
(Alma 5:14)Giving away all our sins is the only way we can come to
know God (Alma 22:18) Those who hold back some of their sins will
be held back. Partial disclosure to appointed leaders brings full
accountability (Ensign, Nov. 1991, 32).
Slide 20
D&C 19:15-17Elder Dallin H. Oaks said: Do these scriptures
mean that a person who repents does not need to suffer at all
because the entire punishment is borne by the Savior? [No].. [They]
mean that the person who repents does not need to suffer even as
the Savior suffered for that sin. Sinners who are repenting will
experience some suffering, but, because of their repentance and
because of the Atonement, they will not experience the full extent
of [suffering] the Savior [did] for that sin..The suffering that
impels a transgressor toward repentance is his or her own
suffering. But the suffering that satisfies the demands of justice
for all repented transgressions is the suffering of our Savior and
Redeemer. Some transgressors..[ask] Why must I suffer at all? Now
that I have said I am sorry, why cant you just give me mercy and
forget about this?The object of Gods laws is to save the sinner,
not simply to punish him. The repentant transgressor must be
changed, and the conditions for repentance, including confession
and personal suffering, are essential to accomplish that change. To
exempt a transgressor from those conditions would deprive him of
the change necessary for his salvation (Sins, Crimes, and
Atonement, Address to CES Religious Educators,7 Feb. 1992).
Slide 21
Confession involves more that disclosure. Whether we are
confessing our sins to the Lord or to the judge in Israel,
confession involves more than telling them what they need to know.
It is an expression of what we are going to do. It is a covenant
with the Lord.
Slide 22
Contrary to the belief of many in the Church, repentance is not
just returning to where we were before we sinned. It is more than
that. The Second part of the covenant we make in confession is to
fill our lives with righteousness. We must replace evil with
good.
Slide 23
Do not merely try to discard a bad habit or a bad thought.
Replace it. When you try to eliminate a bad habit, if the spot
where it used to be is left open it will sneak back and crawl again
into that empty space. It grew there; it will struggle to stay
there. When you discard it, fill up the spot where it was. Replace
it with something good. Replace it with unselfish thoughts, with
unselfish acts. Then, if an evil habit or addiction tries to
return, it will have to fight for attention. You are in charge of
you. I repeat, it is very, very difficult to eliminate a bad habit
[or sin] just by trying to discard it. You must replace it (That
All May Be Edified, 196).
Slide 24
I cannot comprehend His power, His majesty, His perfections.
But I do understand something of His compassion, His mercy. There
is no burden He cannot life, there is no heart He cannot purify and
fill with joy, there is no life He cannot cleanse and restore, when
one is obedient to His teachings He is your Father; Pray to him. If
your life is in disarray and you feel uncomfortable and unworthy to
pray because you are not clean, dont worry. He already knows about
all of that. He is waiting to be led to support you and guide you
and lift you. Pray that the love of the Savior will pour into your
heart. Pray that the miracle of the Atonement with bring
forgiveness because you are willing to change. I know that those
prayers will be answered, for God loves you. His son gave His life
for you. I know they will help you (Ensign, Nov. 1988, 77).
Slide 25
The Savior desires to save us from our inadequacies as well as
our sinsA sense of falling short of falling down is not only
natural, but essential to the moral experienceThe atonement can
compensate not only for our sins, but also for our inadequacies;
not only for our deliberate mistakes, but also for our sins,
committed in ignorance, our errors of judgment, and even our
unavoidable imperfections I grieve for those whobelieve that in the
quest for eternal life, the Atonement is there only to help
big-time sinners; and that they, as everyday Mormons who just have
to try harder, must make it on their own. The truth is not that we
must make it on our own, [The truth is] that he will make us his
own. [As we hold onto the iron rod] we are likely to find that the
cold rod of iron will begin to feellike [the] loving hand of him
who literally pulls us along the way. We find that hand [both]
strong enough to rescue us [and] warm enough to assure us that home
is not far awayIt is so important for us to be on the Lords side.
But we should never forget that the Lord is also on our side
(Ensign, April 1990, 8, 11).
Slide 26
So while repentance is more an attitude than it is a checklist
of steps, it must, of necessity, include a number of steps in order
to be complete. These include: (1) Recognition of wrong. As with
the prodigal son who finally came to himself (Luke 15:17), A person
must, as Jacob taught, see things as they really are (Jacob 4:13).
Rationalization, self-justification, or minimizing the sin keeps
repentance from continuing. (2) Godly sorrow (3) Confession (4)
Abandonment of sin (5) Restitution. We must restore or give back
what has been taken or lost. (6) Do the will of the Father. We must
fill our lives with good.
Slide 27
It is not enough simply to try to resist evil or empty our
lives of sin. We must also fill our lives with righteousness. We
must engage in activities that bring spiritual power. I speak of
such activities as immersing ourselves in the scriptures. There is
a power that flows into our lives when we read and study the
scriptures on a daily basis that cannot be found in any other way.
Daily prayer is another source of great power. Fastingcan help us
beyond our normal ability Service, church attendancecan all add to
our store house of strength and power (The Law of Chastity).
Slide 28
1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, Confused at
the grace that so fully he proffers me. I tremble to know that for
me he was crucified, That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled
and died. 2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, That he should
extend his great love unto such as I, Sufficient to own, to redeem,
and to justify. 3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay
the debt! Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget? No, no,
I will praise and adore at the mercy seat, Until at the glorified
throne I kneel at his feet. [Chorus] Oh, it is wonderful that he
should care for me Enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful,
wonderful to me!
Slide 29
Without a covenant or promise before God, that we will forsake
sin with an unshaken determination, that we will henceforth yield
to no evil, our confession and repentance will be vain (True
repentance, A series of Pamphlets by Orson Pratt, 31-32;
republished in Orson Pratt: Writings of an Apostle, Mormon Heritage
publishers, Salt Lake City, 1976).
Slide 30
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, Some Latter-day Saints who wrongly
think repentance is easy maintain that a little sinning will not
hurt. Young people of this persuasion may say, It is okay to have a
few free ones, because it is easy to repent before your mission or
marriagePerhaps some would even assert that a person is better off
after he has sinned and repented. Get a little experience with sin,
one argument goes, and then you will be better to counsel and
sympathize with sinners. You can always repent (Sins, Crimes, and
Atonement, An address given to CES religious educators on Temple
Square Assembly Hall, Salt Lake City, Utah, 7 February 1992).
Slide 31
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said: I spoke earlier of persons who think
that repentance is too easy. There are many such among the young.
At the opposite extreme are those who think that repentance is too
hard. Our youth include many of these also. This group of souls are
so tender-hearted and conscientious that they see sin everywhere in
their own lives, and they despair of ever being able to be clean.
One of Satans most potent techniques of discouragement is to deny
the power of the Atonement by persuading a sinner that God cannot
or will not forgive him or her. Or, he may seek to persuade a
sinner that he is so depraved that he must not forgive himselfPart
of the process of repentance is to let go of our sins, to yield
them up to God and follow his example by forgiving ourselves as he
forgave us (ibid).
Slide 32
In the October 1995 General Conference, President Boyd K.
Packer said: Except for the very few who defect to perdition, there
is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no
apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete
forgiveness. That is the promise of the Atonement of Christ
(Ensign, November 1995, 20).
Slide 33
Danger of Pornography Female Student February 3, 2005 Just like
any other college student I have a lot of dreams. The greatest of
all dreams is to marry in the temple and raise children up to the
Lord. As I have thought over many years about the qualities I wish
my husband to possess I never thought much about personal purity.
That quality was something I always assumed he would have but the
importance of that quality has recently been reared into my heart
and soul. The last semester of my sophomore year of college I met a
wonderful young man. He was my first love. We dated a little bit
that semester and then we both went home to our families for the
summer. I think it is safe to say that we fell in love with each
other over one email a day and phone calls on the weekend, with the
occasional visit thrown in for variety. Our relationship blossomed
in a beautiful, healthy way. It was the greatest experience I have
ever had.
Slide 34
When we returned to school in the fall, we became very close,
quickly. I was treated like a goddess, never wanting, really,
because I had the most generous, gentle, sensitive man by my side.
He loved the Lord and he loved me. Add to that my marvelous family
and my testimony of the gospel and love for God and I had it made.
It was the happiest time of my life. Looking back on it now I am
still amazed at how many memories I fit into such a short period of
time. Its unbelievable and almost doesnt seem real. The thought of
marriage crossed y mind. There were times that I could see him
being a father to my children playing with them, teaching them and
rearing them by my side. My fairy tale, I wish I could say ended
well, but it didnt. About six weeks after school started I began to
sense that something was awry in our relationship. I couldnt put my
finger on it and when I asked if he was alright, he always said
yes. However, one day he let me know he had things he needed to
tell me and we went out that night and talked.
Slide 35
Holding the hand of the man that I had come to love so dearly,
I sat next to him as he poured out his soul. I found he had a
problem with pornography and had been dealing with it for a matter
of years. I remember the distinct physical pain I felt upon hearing
that ugly word. It couldnt be true. Sadly enough, it was. We
continued the relationship for a time after that but it soon came
to its needed end. I realize now that I was in a state of shock
after I first found out about things and was not responding as I
normally would have. I had no idea what to do with myself. My
parents knew something was gravely wrong but I had not divulged
information until after we broke things off. The night I sobbed out
my story over the phone to two compassionate parents will always be
etched into my memory. My sobs, so full of a passionate pain, were
so bad that my mother had to tell me to start over and repeat what
I said over and over again because she couldnt understand me
through the tears.
Slide 36
I realize now that I was lucky to have a boyfriend who was so
sincerely honest with me. Many people do not find out about issues
such as this until they are within marriage bonds. My heart goes
out to those people. Seeing how this has ripped at my heart now, I
dont wish to imagine what it would do to a marriage. We made a
mutual agreement to end the relationship and I always felt good
about the decision. I had the decision confirmed in prayer and have
had it confirmed on numerous occasions since. Nevertheless, Ive
learned the hard way that peace does not take away the pain of loss
but does allow you to go forward. Its tricky business to try and
convince your heart of what you head knows and understands. It was
ironic to have such deep, stinging pain in opposition to the
exquisite happiness I had felt just weeks previous.
Slide 37
I was determined to be a friend to him and help encourage him
through the hard times that lay ahead. Previous to our meeting he
had been working with his Bishop and was receiving help from a
counselor on campus. He was doing his part but still finding it a
struggle. His battle with pornography began with inappropriate
media on the Internet. It turned into what I understand to be an
instant addiction and has plagued his life since. I dont understand
it, but I know that people cannot turn of the computer it holds
them entranced. It is not something anyone desires to view but
turns into a monster if not immediately left alone. Pornography is
a disease. It is disgustingly ironic that pornography and family
history hold the top two places hit on the Internetthere are Gods
purposes and then Satans. In a presentation done on pornography in
one of my classes I heard the addiction be compared to that of
heroine. Im not sure how correct that statistic is but it wouldnt
surprise me if it were true.
Slide 38
I always gave my mom a hard time when she insisted that our
computer, once we got the Internet, be put in our family room. Now,
I understand. I didnt understand why she confiscated my brothers
swim suit issue of Sports Illustrated when we were younger and tore
out all the pictures giving my brothers back maybe five pages at
most. Now, I understand. When my brothers came home from the last
General Priesthood Meeting and talked about President Hinckleys
powerful talk I didnt think much about it. Then, pornography was
just a word and it was someone elses problem I dont think that
anymore. It is real. It is an addiction and a disease. It does
nothing but tear peoples lives apart, break hearts, and destroy the
soul of those it takes prisoners. Leave it alone. If you find
pornography as your master, seek help. Heavenly Father loves you
and wants nothing but to help take your pain away but you must ask
and be prepared to work harder than you could ever have imagined.
Know your Savior loves you. Go to your Bishop and seek help from
your loved ones and friends you trust. The counseling department
here on campus is excellent and wants to help. Besides one-on-one
counseling, group therapy is offered as well as a group for those
who have loved ones who suffer from it. Help is available for all
involved in the struggling, whether you struggle with the problem
yourself or know someone who does. The fight is worth it. I believe
that with all of my heart.
Slide 39
When you find yourself in a relationship that looks like it
might have eternal possibilitiesask questions! Make sure you know
the person you love inside and out. Dont be afraid to ask
questionsit could save heartache later. I was surprised with how
much pain pornography brought to my life when I did not suffer from
the problem myself. I became frustrated because it seems like all
counsel available on the subject is geared toward those who suffer
not anyone else. I longed for words of comfort in my own situation.
I asked advice from family members and was struck most by a
sister-in- laws advice to kneel at my Saviors feet and talk with
Him. On my knees was the position in which I found the most solace.
I cried all the time. I dove into the scriptures, collecting, even
still, scriptures pertinent to my situation. I talked with my
family long and hard. I talked with my bishop and went back to him
on multiple occasions. I went to the temple and had never been so
excited to step within its door in all the years I held a
recommend. I craved the peace and the Spirit. I found words of
comfort in the hymns, especially Be Still My Soul and Where Can I
Turn For Peace? Looking back on my experience I laugh when people
tell me they are sorry. I am too. Dealing with this issue was never
something I imagined or suspected. I never once had any indication
of having my heart broken. Over the months since we broke up I have
felt many emotions: anger, hurt, shock, surprise, disgust and most
of all sadness. Thinking of the issue even now brings deep and
profound sadness. I cannot think on it too long or I start to
cry.
Slide 40
Strangely enough, Ive decided that if I had a chance to live my
experience over again I would do it. My testimony has grown in ways
that I cannot adequately express in words. Heavenly Father gives
comfort in time of pain. He even granted me the faith to get out of
bed on those mornings where even that action seemed impossible. I
wouldnt trade my relationship with God for any unbroken heartno
matter how good it felt. The Atonement is real. I always had a
testimony of it but the night I had its power manifested to me
again will always stand out in my memory. I was kneeling in prayer
and had the Spirit wash over me in wave after wave as if to say,
You didnt catch it the first time? Here it is again. I know it to
be real. Christ knelt in that garden and hung on the cross and
truly descended below all things. He knows how we feel and His love
is unfathomable. Christ wants to take away our pain. He wants to
heal our hearts. We need to seek Him and know we can be healed and
made perfectly whole. I wish I could say that my pain is now gone,
but it isnt. I know now that it will take more time than I thought
for both parties to heal. I still communicate with him and want to
jump for joy when I hear of his triumphs. I know he will conquer
his problems. And I believe in him. The Atonement heals all pain,
even that caused by pornography. It is still my own sincere prayer
that my intense pain will fall into its proper place. It will, with
the help of Christs sacrifice.
Slide 41
From: Anonymous Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006 1:51 PM To:
Pyper, Lon Subject: Another Story Brother Pyper, I have been unsure
as to whether I wanted to share with you my story, but I think
getting it out might help. Its a little different than the letters
you shared with us in class but on the same topic. All my life I
grew up in a perfect family at least to me, a child, it was
perfect. The thought that anything could go wrong was unfathomable.
Every one of my brothers and sisters were active and my parents had
the best marriage anyone could have.
Slide 42
One week everyone was out of town and I was alone with my dad.
This week changed my life. I went down in the basement and he would
change the channel or I would see the word, stop on the screen. I
was young and a bit naive, so I just forgot about it. It gave me an
uncomfortable feeling but I didnt know what was going on. A few
months later when my mom and sister were home it happened again. I
went to my sister about it and she got very worried. It didnt even
cross my mind that my father, who had been a bishop and a stake
president, could be involved in pornography. All his life he had
been a musician. Everyone in the church knows him and he composes
and arranges music for the church all the time. This could not be
happening. Finally, my sister went to my mother and my mother
confronted my dad. It broke my mothers heart. He felt like she
wasnt enough, yet she has always been the perfect wife and mother.
It was so hard. My sister, my mom, and I were the only ones who
knew. He went to the bishop and a while later told us he had taken
care of it all and was done with it. What a relief! While he was
involved in it he didnt want to do anything. He kept to himself and
didnt talk to us like he used to. When he was working with the
bishop things got so much better. He started getting involved with
us again and helped around the house. He kept himself busy with
projects and music. I thought everything was good again. I was
wrong.
Slide 43
About a year later my sister came to me and told me that he was
involved in pornography again. He didnt know we knew but we had to
do something. We prayed and fasted. Finally we called the stake
president. We asked him if he could see how our dad was doing. We
were worried though, fearing disfellowsip and what that would do to
him and our mother. At times I hated him for it. I wanted to throw
the TV and computer out the window. I didnt know how my mother
could take it anymore. My dad talked with the stake president and
was disfellowshiped. By this time I think the whole family knew. He
didnt say anything to us about it he still kept to himself. I cant
even imagine how hard it must be to know that eight of your own
children knew what you had done, and to imagine their
disappointment in you. My mother says he is doing fine now and she
reassures me that she loves him. That is what the Savior has taught
us to do, she says. He didnt cast the sinners out, but showed them
love. I try to show my dad all the love that I have because I want
him to know that there is something so much better in me than
anything he can find in pornography. I want him to want to be with
me forever but feel like he doesnt because of the choices he has
made. He is a great man and I still look up to him. I know he loves
us all and would do anything for my mother, but I resent what he
has done. It has scarred me for life. It has scarred his marriage
for life. It has scarred my whole family. Its so hard to forgive
him, especially when I still will go downstairs and see him switch
the channel, but I have faith that he can overcome this.
Slide 44
It is so hard for me to trust men. It is even harder for my
sister, because she had to confront my dad with his problem a
couple times. She hates that her husband wants to be intimate with
her. She sees it as evil. It is hard for her to even let him kiss
her. It frightens me as well. How will I ever know that a man loves
me for who I am? How can I trust that when he tells me he is not
involved in pornography or will never be involved in it, that he
means it? I have never told anyone this story before. I have never
told anyone my feelings before. I dont know how to overcome this
but if you could help me in some way I would be so grateful! I love
my dad more than anything! I pray for him always. I wish there was
something I could do to help him but I dont know what I can do. I
can never stop wondering if he has truly overcome his addiction. It
will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Slide 45
My family is still strong in the gospel. I still cant tell if
this experience has brought us closer together or further apart.
Pornography is a destroying sin. It destroys everything in its
path, leaving nothing left but sorrow and hurt. I pray that my
husband never has and never will be involved in something so
hideous. There are too many good things to see and experience to
waste ones soul on pornography! I hope this temptation will not
plague the next generation as it has plagued this one. I have set
goals for my future family that I hope will aid in bringing my
family safely to the celestial kingdom. It is so close. This life
is but a fraction of the eternities. I hope I can have the faith to
help my father completely overcome this, so it will not even be a
temptation to him, and so we can be together as a family for all
eternity. What can be more beautiful than this?
Slide 46
From: Anonymous Sent: Wednesday, October 17, 2007 4:09 PM To:
Pyper, Lon Subject: Important! For Bro. Pypers Rel 234 class
Brother Pyper, I raced home from class today, after reading/
sharing the letters about abuse and overcoming it. I felt strongly
impressed to share my experience with you. I hope that, should you
feel to share with future classes, it will help someone who may be
going through what I did. It was my 19 th birthday (in August) and
my boyfriend of 15 months and I were engaged!! It was the best
birthday present Id ever received. He was such an amazing man,
honest, and fun. He always treated me with respect and
dignity.
Slide 47
We never argued, just agreed to disagree on some things and
move on. My family loved him. My friends loved him. I loved him, he
loved me. He made me want to be better, made me live the gospel
more fully. He was everything and more that I had ever hoped to
find. I quit going to school at BYUI and moved down to Utah to live
with my brother and his family until the wedding, which was set for
December 9 th in the SLC temple. I found a job and went to work
full-time. The drive between us (hes from UT) was about 20 minutes,
depending on traffic. I learned to drive stick shift on a really
old car that died a lot, so taking it on the freeway was out of the
question. If we were to see each other, it would be his duty to
drive to me. I hated asking that of him, with us trying to save for
married life, but being with him was important to me. Slowly things
started to change between us. He came to see me once a week for 4
hours total. We talked every night before bed, on the phone, except
conversations became unknown between us. All we did was argue.
Everything I did was wrong. Even if I hadnt talked to him all day,
if he was having a bad day, it was my fault. If things were good or
he was happy, it was because of something hed done. He used to tell
me he loved me all the time. He always called me his baby girl (a
somewhat childish name that just made me melt). Now, I had to earn
it. He didnt love me unless I had done something right. I had to
lose weight or work more hours, or get home when he wanted me home,
sleep when he told me to, say what he wanted me to say.
Slide 48
I was angry and hurt by how he was treating me. This was a
different man his evil twin or something! This wasnt the man Id
just devoted a year and a half to! But I blew it off. I didnt let
it get to me. We planned, a month in advance, to go to the SLC
temple and do baptisms together. The much anticipated morning
arrived! Since we were supposed to start at 7 am, I got up about
5:30 to get ready, since he was supposed to come at 6:30 so that we
could get there on time. 6:30 came and 6:30 went. So did 7, 8
finally at 9:30 I called his house when his dad picked up. Hed been
downstairs sleeping. When he picked up I asked him if he was okay,
slept past his alarm, hadnt heard his cell ringing. He blew up at
me. He said hed been on his way but was going to be a few minutes
late, decided it wasnt worth it so he returned home to sleep. I was
sobbing. He told me I was an idiot (and other choice words) for
making such a big deal about it.
Slide 49
When I told him that it was baptisms and those people had been
waiting a long time, of course it was important to me, he said that
I was dumb and nave to the Lords ways. The argument escalated so I
hung up and went to the primary program practice (since I had been
called as a CTR5 teacher). He came into the house that afternoon
and gave me a hug and a kiss and apologized. He asked if it was
okay that we went to the SLC temple anyways, even though we could
no longer do baptisms. I felt relieved for his (what felt) sincere
apology and of course accepted. We drove down there in silence.
When we got to the temple, he parked on a hill. Id never seen this
view before! It was absolutely beautiful! Truly the Lords house. I
was caught up in thoughts and emotions, so much that I couldnt
stand, or get out of the car. How much peace the temple brings! I
had forgotten he was in the car with me, I dont know how much time
passed but I looked over at him, with determination to be better
and to do more for him and our relationship.
Slide 50
That night I stayed up packing thinking, crying and praying. We
left at 6 AM to drive back home to my parents house, my brother and
his family and I. It was a very strong peace, with each mile that
passed between us, that I was making the right decision. That not
marrying him would bring happiness into my life. When I got home, I
tearfully told my mom that the wedding was off. I couldnt why didnt
want to relive the pain hed caused me. He showed up at my house,
just days before thanksgiving, told me he loved me, said that hed
been thinking about what hed done and how he treated me and felt
horrible. He said that I was important to him, and that I made him
a better person. Could I please forgive him and could we get past
this together? I believe in second chances (Ive gotten so many from
God to not believe) and so I said yes but that I wasnt going to
marry him. We could be friends but that was it. Since we had been
together for so long, a big part of me still trusted him and had
faith in him. My family had gone to the movies, but Id stayed home
sleeping because Id been sick with the flu. The phone started
ringing so I turned to grab it, he shut the door, locked it, and
was kissing me before I could walk away 4 steps. I will not share
the details because those things just dont need to be heard but I
was a victim of rape. I dont know nor care to know how long that
took, but when my mom walked in the door, she was shocked to see me
on the side of the couch, huddled in a ball crying and
hyperventilating and him standing over me telling me to breath and
that everything would be okay
Slide 51
My parents thought very highly of him, and never expected
anything like that. And I was just too disgusted to say anything to
anyone. When he left to the airport that afternoon I told him that
I never wanted o see him again, hear from him again or even know
that he existed. He proudly told me that I loved him and would come
crawling back to him in just a short time, hed have me again. For 2
months I kept that secret to myself. Pretending to be happy,
laughing because everyone else was, sharing in conversation so no
one would suspect that real reason behind my tears and quietness,
and sometimes short- tempered rudeness. It wasnt until January
(after I had re- applied to come back here for school and gotten my
acceptance letter) that I could no longer handle the stress, pain
and embarrassment by myself. I tearfully and fearfully, went into
my parents room around midnight, woke them up and told them exactly
why Id been acting the way that I was. After what seemed like a
million questions and tears later, my wonderful father gave me a
fathers blessing.
Slide 52
My parents reassured me of their love for me and their desire
to help me get over this. I met with my bishop and a counselor once
a week until the summer semester began and I moved back up here. I
still meet with a councilor at the health center once a week to
help me continue to get past the pain that I feel, to learn to
trust and become myself again. I found out just a few months ago
that he had been addicted to pornography, had been cheating on me
and now has a little girl that he named Kaylee the name Ive wanted
for my daughter since I was a small child.
Slide 53
D&C 121:7-8 reads, my son (daughter) peace be unto thy
soul. Thine adversity and thine affliction shall be but a small
moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on
high. I am proud to say that I know who Christ is, and I know that
he lives and loves me. I do not hate men, I do not think they are
horrible liars. I just think I happened to find one who lost his
way and lost sight of his true worth in Gods eyes. I pray every day
for his happiness and hope that he finds Christ again. I know that
Jesus NEVER turns his back on us we turn our backs on him. He was
the constant that I had. He never ever left me. There were times
when I felt my parents did not believe me or thought I had made it
up. But, I know my parents love me, are always there for me and
will never give up on me. Families are forever. The church is
true!! God loves us!
Slide 54
PLEASE, please, please if you are in a relationship that causes
any degree of discomfort or that wont allow you to feel the Holy
Ghost GET OUT!! Dont blow it off. Dont think it cant happen to you.
I believed it couldnt happen to me. Im a good girl, planning on
going on a mission, with 6 RM siblings, 4 of whom are married with
families of their own. My dad goes to the temple every week and my
Moms been an RS president and seminary teacher. It happens. You are
a daughter of God with infinite worth. The hurtful things aid and
done to you do not determine who you are. God loves you as much now
as the day you were born. Dont be ashamed to go to your parents,
the bishop, and a counselor. They are loving adults who can help
you heal, help you learn who you are again, and help you learn to
trust again.
Slide 55
Please have faith that your husband is out there that he will
be as amazing as you dream of and more than you hope for. God is
always watching over you, turn to Him. Pray always, pray as though
it all depends on God then get up and go about it as though it all
depends on you! He will help you, but you have to be willing to
help yourself, too. I am grateful for this experience in my life.
Sounds weird, doesnt it? But I now can be that willing hand,
understanding heart and shoulder to cry on for others that I
otherwise could never have been.
Slide 56
From: Anonymous Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006 To: Pyper,
Lon Subject: Private Sensitivity: Confidential I just wanted to
share a few thought and feelings about our last class.
Slide 57
For the past 7 months I have been going through something I
never thought I would have to deal with. I do not want to go into
much detail or information, but I just broke off a 6 month
relationship with a young man here on campus. Two months into the
relationship he told me he had issues with same-gender attraction.
I stayed with him as he opened up to me and asked for help. As time
went on the relationship got very manipulative and emotionally
abusive. I stayed with him and stood by his side as every person
around me pleaded with me to run away from him. I came to find out
that he felt that homosexual activity was okay and allowed in the
church. The relationship was strained as I felt that it was morally
wrong. I was crazy for thinking that guys dont do that. I turned to
my Bishop and a counselor on campus for help. Each of them have
worked very closely with me as I have finally cut things off. As
the letter was read in class I felt that the very words from my
prayers and journal entries were being read to the class. I am a
second witness that personal sins and weaknesses affect more than
one person. They have a rippling effect. My outlook on life,
dating, men, and marriage have been so tainted. I am working so
hard to forgive, grow and move on from this.
Slide 58
Always stand by your beliefs. As my boyfriend opened up with me
I wanted to be good and help him. So in the process I found myself
saying things like That is okay instead of saying Masturbation is
wrong, but you can work through that with the intention of not
judging him, I became complacent with his sins. More then anything
I learned that I needed to open my eyes and listen to the Spirit. I
learned that I am not alone. I have parents who love and care about
me. I have a Bishop that wants the best for me and now I have a
counselor on campus that can help me overcome my jaded views. As I
pray, attend the Temple, ponder, and study the scriptures I can
once again have faith in marriage and move on with life.
Slide 59
I guess more then anything I want to share with you a few
things that I have learned. Listen to the Spirit. From the very
beginning I knew something was not right. Several times I had
distinct feelings to RUN and leave the relationship. The more I
pushed that a way the less I heard the voice. If it feels wrong IT
IS WRONG. Red flags: I, like the Spirit, saw red flag after red
flag. Heed them!!!