Einstein AZA#2134Issue 22013 Spring Board:Godol- Ry ArnoldS’Gan- Harrison McCabeMoreh- Matt SilberMazkir- Yonah HymanMazkir- Jake BalfourGizbor- Garrett KatzShaliach- Adam NewburgerM’Takh’Nen- Jake Smith/ Jeremy LissSopher- Ben ScheerSopher- Harry LichmanAdvisor- Sara Sopher

Calender:

Ry Arnold’s birthday party is on May 15th. It will be at his house, and you can bring whatever you want.

Matthew Roomberg will have another growth spurt sometime in February. Feel free to watch it happen.

On the 27th of March, Josh Norwitz will grow his first chest hair.

Einstein Blues

December 21, 2013

Written and Edited by Aleph Fall Term Sopher Ben Scheer

Top 17 Worst Real Baby Names

By Harrison McCabe

Disclaimer: These are REAL PEOPLE’s names. Yes, every one of these names was given to a newborn by its parent(s). I am not going for the low-hanging fruit of “ghetto names”. While

those are funny, they turn the attention away from these unfortunate souls who dream of the day when they can legally change their name. Some of these folks have had celebrity parents, but that

does not excuse them from this list of the 17 worst real baby names.

17. Sunday Rose

16. Disney

15. Barack

14. Pilot Inspektor

13. Number 16 Bus Shelter

12. Ikea

11. Moxie CrimeFighter.

10. ‘.’ (Just a period. It is pronounced “full stop”)

9. B.J.

8. Facebook

7. Mafia No Fear

6. Zuma Nesta Rock

5. Abcde

4. Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii

3. Sage Moonblood

2. "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116" (pronounced “Albin”)

1. Muhammad

Einstein Blues

Music Maniac: A Most Fantastical Edition

By Ben Scheer

Today I shall dive into the roaring seas of musical entertainment. In other words, I will be giving different awards to songs. These reviews are completely serious.

Most Confusing Solo: Metropolis- Dream Theater

Most Inspirational Song: Comfortably Numb- Pink Floyd

Makes You Feel Schwasted: Just What I Am- Kid Cudi, Alien Days-MGMT

Most Epic Ending: Madness-Muse, The Count of Tuscany- Dream Theater, It’s Time- Imagine Dragons

Most Satisfying: In The Flesh- Pink Floyd, Your Life is a Life- MGMT

Best Sing Along: Juicy- Notorious B.I.G.

Best Homework Song: Siberian Breaks- MGMT

Makes You Feel like a Rapper: Where U Been? - 2 Chainz

Makes Your Dumps Better: First of the Year- Skrillex

Best Unknown Song: Strawberry Letter 23- Brothers Johnson

When You Are About to Sneeze: Set Fire to the Rain- Adele

When Someone Eats Bread With Mold On It: You Got a Friend In Me- Toy Story

When You Kiss A Monkey: You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift

The Scariest Song I Have Ever Heard: Sterile Nails and Thunderbowels- Silencer

The Best Song Ever: Who Let The Dogs Out? – Baha Men

A Satirical Commentary On The Relevance And Potency Of Yiddish Swearing In The Twenty First Century

By Matthew Roomberg

As Jews, many of my readers probably grew up with one or multiple grandparents or great-grandparents speaking some amount of Yiddish in the house. While most American Jews from that generation can't speak the language Yiddish, I'm willing to bet my readers have heard them use a word or two here and there. Not knowing what these words mean and, more importantly, not caring has led to a significant decrease in the use of this unique language. We have grown up as assimilated Jews in an American culture, and Americans don't speak Yiddish. While some more Reformed Jews may dismiss this language as outdated and obsolete, I for one see it as an opportunity, an opportunity to insult our fellow Americans without their knowledge. In this article, I will discuss the advantages of such an opportunity and teach you some words along the way.

First, I will begin with a brief history of how this very unique language came to be. Throughout the 1800s and early 1900s, most Ashkenazi Jews lived in Eastern Europe, which at the time was largely dominated by Austro-Hungarian culture, which coincidently was a German speaking culture. This culture was so nationalistic and important to individual success that many historians believe the Jewish assimilation into that culture was worse than it is in America today. Part of that assimilation was learning the language, German, but culture being the way that it is, the Jews maintained large parts of their own original culture and fused them into the culture of the nation-state. Language was a large part of that. While traditional Hebrew (different from modern Hebrew) had not been a spoken language in a long time, Jews still knew individual words and phrases, and over time these words and phrases were worked into the German language, until it had become its own recognizable language: Yiddish. To this day, Yiddish is one of the dirtiest languages in the world. For people who can actually speak the full language, the chances of using a curse word in any given sentence is about 20%, which leads me to my first contention.

Speaking Yiddish is a Jewish tradition and part of participating in that tradition involves swearing. To speak Yiddish without cursing is oxymoronic, and such an attempt to do so would probably fail miserably. That being said, you should feel no guilt in using Yiddish swears, especially against your fellow countrymen (as opposed to tribesmen; non-Jews and Jews, respectively). Not using these words is an insult to our heritage, which brings me to my second contention.

Continued on next page.

So other than tradition, why speak Yiddish? There are many reasons, but above all is the elegance of the spoken language and the complexity of the translation. The spoken language of Yiddish uses letters and articulations that are attention-grabers to English speakers. For example, the way the "h" sound is rolled (best comparison is the sound of the chai in Hebrew) is a beculiarity to Americans who can't even fathom making such a sound. Even when you are insulting them they will listen when you speak. And the complexity of the translation elevates your insults to levels beyond what English could ever do for you, as in the case of the commonly used word shvartza. In English, during an attempt to invoke racism, one would have to choose which word they felt adequately incompassed their racist insult, but simply by using the commonly known Yiddish word shvartza, one incompasses every English word from spooke to the N-word, a significant advantage. Also notice the elegant pronunciation of this word as well: three consecutive consonants and a silent "r", quite interesting compared to English.

My third and final contention is insulting your fellow American is an American pasttime. You should not feel shame, but pride in insulting your fellow Americans, best seen in the American cultural capital of New York City where citizens of the great city go out of their way to insult each other. Doing so in another language is not cowardly, but impressive, as most Americans can only do so in English. The United States is a melting pot and it is time to look upon assimilation in a new way; it's time to bring the fight to them. Those goyim won't know what hit 'em.

See you out there gentlemen.

Origins of Holding Up the “One” During Photos

By Ben Scheer

The tradition of holding up the one began in 10 B.C., when an Egyptian frog named Elizabeth decided to hold up the one during a photo.

Ever since then, people all around the world have held up the one during photos. But why?

There are several theories to prove why.

Jesus Theory: When we hold up the one, we are pointing to Jesus, inviting him into the photo if he would like to be in it. This has yet to work.

The Booger Theory: Holding up the one during photos shows that you don’t have any boogers on your index finger, proving that you have not picked your nose, and furthermore showing the world that you are a sanitary person. This will attract the female sex.

The “No, No, No!” Theory: Holding up the one during photos originated from Mutombo, who went around holding up the one. It soon caught on and everyone was doing it.

Top 10 Ways to Screw up Your Fantasy Football TeamBy Harry Lichtman

10. Not know what team your player is on

9. Have too many or too little players on your team

8. Draft too many players from a certain position

7. Start a bad player over a good player from that position

6. Start players on byes

5. Your entire roster is on a bye

4. Draft terrible players (Ex. David Wilson)

3. Drop your best player (Ex.: Peyton Manning)

2. Unwittingly trade somebody good for somebody bad (Ex.: Jamaal Charles for David Wilson)

1. Be Josh Norwitz

My Second Ode to Hammocks

By Quatro Quatro

In my more vulnerable years,I used to miss the toilet,Puddles of yellow and brown,Lay upon the tiles.But now I’m a big boy,And I said,“I don’t need no diaper mama”,And she said, “Lemme’ tell you,Life ain’t no crystal stair,Because my stairs are covered in your shit.”

The grass is greener on the other side,And my spoon, is, in fact,Too big.

The mouse is in the house,Eating Lucky Charms and watching cartoons,But there are no marshmallows,So he goes to cereal court,And the judge says “guilty”.

So here I am, standing in jail,Waiting for the big man to spoon me.And the spoon was too big.Next time, I thought,I would take a bath,And my rubber ducky would say,“I found your spoon.”

So I looked into the blurry water,Looking for my silver spoon,That was too big,But instead I found the man from jail, Who spooned my again,In the bathtub.Mr. Ducky saw everything.

So next time you say spoon,Think before you act.You’re a gorilla,I’m a gorilla,Let me see your balls.

Storytime: The Wobbler

By Tyga Snoobly

The Wobbler was an insane creature who lived in a cave in Las Vegas. He ate

whatever he wanted and stole whatever he could steal, and he could steal anything

as he ate nothing. As times went on, The Wobbler decided that he was spending all

of his time eating and stealing. He was reading Golf Digest and suddenly came to a

realization that his life had no purpose. Eating and stealing would not satisfy him for

the rest of his life. So he sat there in the dark and thought for a long time. And after

two years of thinking, he came up with a plan that would surely astound anyone.

The plan: Dress up as a human. Find Ry Arnold and steal his wallet. Use the money

in the wallet to use at the casino in the city. Get rich, buy a home, get married, have

kids. And last but not least, learn how to ride a horse.

So The Wobbler set off into the city, with an ambiguous grin and a loud roar. He

went to the Halloween store and stole a human mask and some clothes. He stole an

airplane and flew it to Bethesda. He found Ry Arnold. Ry was walking into Chipotle

when The Wobbler came behind him and stole his wallet from his pocket. Ry

screamed…his scream was a high-pitched squeal that could be heard from miles

away, and then he kicked The Wobbler in the balls and ran off into the street. The

Wobbler (who didn’t have balls so it didn’t hurt) happily looked inside the wallet,

but…it backfired, as there was no money in the wallet. The Wobbler cried, for his

plan did not work, and he ran back to his cave. The lesson: Don’t mess with the

Jews.

Random Facts by Glaser:

Right now Obama’s approval rating is lower than Bushes was ever.

Obama has spent more money than every past president combined (adjusted for inflation).

There are more Subways in the US than McDonnalds.

The frozen yogurt place SweetFROG stands for ‘Fully Rely On God’

I still do not have a smart phone.

Smoothie king is overrated.

If you open the passenger door in my car, you can hear water swish around.

I cannot legally leave the lower 48 states and Canada until I turn 18.

My grandpa was the architect of Churchill and Wootton.. I think he had something to do with the rivalry.

Technically I have 9 grandparents.

I once had a conversation with the governor of Mississippi.

I was born in Linkin Park, Chicago.. though that has nothing to do with the band.

I think Panera’s coffee is the best, followed consecutively by: 7-11, Starbucks, Dunkin Doughnuts, Krispy

Kreme, Giant Food.

I wrote this article in 213.4 seconds.

Sometimes I enjoy a nice Jewish corn beef for an after school snack.

I play the symbols for Wootton’s drum-line, and somehow get an honors credit for it!

Once, my edline said I had a 320% in Latin because my teacher gave me a 10,000/10 for homework

I feel morally obligated to avoid things that are made in China.

Continued on next page.

Last night I ate at a restaurant called ‘mannequin piss,’ however I am 99% sure that there was no urine

in my food.

I am allergic to pineapple.

Police get unlimited free slurpees along as they drink them inside 7/11

Wootton is home to many Asians and Jews. There is at least one person that is both.

I have never been inside the house next door to me.

At the shell station on Hurley Ave, the guy wouldn’t give me my change from my beef jerky.

My car is named Mitt Romney.

There is a gift card for Borders books in my wallet, but Borders no longer exists.

If you can tell me which of the above facts is false, I will give you the Borders gift card.

Chapter convention is going to be awesome, and everyone block off your calendars for Memorial Day

weekend. Like really. So I don’t always make it to everything, and I don’t think I’ve ever been to a

Monday meeting since 8th grade, but I always go to chapter convention, and you guys should too. If you

need some convincing, give me a call.

EINSTEIN #2134