Effective Mentoring 7-13-12 Master

7/30/2019 Effective Mentoring 7-13-12 Master

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Effective Mentoring

Jeanette Nadonley, DC, BA

Connections Program

July 13, 2012


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Effective Mentoring

What is a successful mentoringrelationship?

What are the qualities of an effectivementor?

What strategies do mentors use to

engage and connect with youth?

These questions are at the heart of allmentoring relationships.


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Effective Mentoring

Why were some relationships doing so well whileothers had come apart?

The key reasons had to do with the expectationsand approach of the mentor. Most of the mentors

in the relationships that failed had a belief thatthey should, and could, reform their mentee.These mentors, even at the very beginning of thematch, spent at least some of their time togetherpushing the mentee to change. Almost all the

mentors in the successful relationships believedthat their role was to support the youth, to helphim or her grow and develop. They sawthemselves as a friend.


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Effective Mentoring

Those successful mentors understoodthat positive changes in the lives ofyoung people do not happen quickly orautomatically. If they are to happen atall, the mentor and youth must meetlong enough and often enough to build arelationship that helps the youth feel

supported and safe, develop self-confidence and self-esteem, and seenew possibilities in life.


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Effective Mentoring

Those mentors knew they had to:

Take the time to build therelationship

Become a trusted friend Always maintain that trust


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Effective Mentoring

While establishing a friendship may soundeasy, it often is not. Adults and youth areseparated by age and, in many cases, bybackground and culture.

Even mentors with good instincts canstumble or be blocked by difficulties thatarise from these differences.

It takes time for youth to feel comfortablejust talking to their mentor, and longer stillbefore they feel comfortable enough toshare a confidence.


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10 Important Features of SuccessfulMentors Attitudes and Styles

What are the qualities of an effective mentor?

1. Be a friend. 2. Have realistic goals and expectations. 3. Have fun together.

4. Give your mentee voice and choice in deciding onactivities.

5. Be positive. 6. Let your mentee have much of the control over what

the two of you talk aboutand how you talk about it. 7. Listen.

8. Respect the trust your mentee places in you. 9. Remember that your relationship is with the youth,

not the youths parent. 10. Remember that you are responsible for building the

relationship.


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Be a Friend

The reality is that mentors have a uniquerole in the lives of children and youth.

But what does that mean? What makes

someone a friend? They are like an ideal older sister or

brother someone who is a role modeland can provide support and gentleguidance.

They are also like a peer, because theyenjoy having fun with their mentee.

But they arent exactly either of these.


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Be a Friend Sometimes it seems easier to talk about what mentors are by describing what

they should not be: Dont act like a parent. One of the things your mentee will appreciate about you is that you are not his or her parent. However

much they love their parents, young people might sometimes see them primarily as people who setrules and express disapproval. Youth need other adults in their lives, but they are unlikely to warm to afriendship with an unrelated adult who emphasizes these parental characteristics.

Dont try to be an authority figure. If you sound like you think you know everything and you tell your mentee what to do and how to act,

you are likely to jeopardize your ability to build that trust. If youth feel that they risk criticism whenthey talk to you about something personal, they are unlikely to open up to you.

Dont preach about values. Dont try to transform the mentee. Take a hands-off approach when it comes to the explicit

transmission of values. And especially, hold back opinions or beliefs that are in clear disagreement withthose held by the youths family. In general, young people do not like being told how they should thinkor behaveand they are uncomfortable if they feel that their family is being criticized. Preaching about

values is likely to make it difficult for you to build a trusting relationship. Dont preach; instead, teach silently, by being a role model and setting an example.

DO focus on establishing a bond, a feeling of attachment, a sense of equality,and the mutual enjoyment of shared time.

It can be a challenge for mentors to step outside traditional adult-youth authority roles. The successfulmentors are the ones who can be a positive adult role model while focusing on the bonding and fun of atraditional friendship.


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Have Realistic Goalsand Expectations

Strong mentoring relationships do leadto positive changes in youth. These

changes tend to occur indirectly, as aresult of the close and trustingrelationship, and they often occur slowlyover time.

Mentoring may be more like the slowaccumulation of pebbles that sets off anavalanche than the baseball bat thatpropels a ball from the stadium.


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Have Realistic Goalsand Expectations

Focus on the whole person and his or heroverall development. Do not focus narrowly onperformance and change.

Especially early on, center your goals on therelationship itself.

You are very likely to find that you derive a sense of meaningful accomplishment from therelationship itself, from the growing closeness and trust.

Throughout the relationship, emphasizefriendship over performance.

A strong mentoring friendship provides youth with a sense of self-worth and the security of knowing that an adultis there to help, if asked. This friendship is central, and it is eventually likely to allow you to have some influenceon your mentees behavior and performance outside the relationship. As your relationship becomes stronger andmore established, your mentee may begin to approach you with requests for more direct advice or help. If andwhen your relationship reaches this stage, be sure to maintain a balance between attempts to influence theyouths behavior and your more primary goal of being a supportive presence. Keep the focus on your friendship.


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Have Fun Together

It is important to remember that fun is nottrivial for youth. Having fun and sharing itwith an attentive adult carries a great

weight and a meaning beyond arecreational outlet. It is a chance to blowoff steam, or an opportunity to play.

There are a number of reasons why you

should focus on participating in activitieswith your mentee that are fun for both ofyou.


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Have Fun Together

Many youth involved in mentoring

programs have few opportunities forfun.Having fun breaks monotony,provides time away from a tensehome situation, or introduces them to

experiences they would not otherwisehave.


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Have Fun Together

Having fun together shows your menteethat you are reliable and committed.

Youth see the adults interest in sharing funas a sign that the mentor cares aboutthem. They experience a growing sense ofself-worth when their adult partner not onlypays persistent, positive attention to them,

but also willingly joins them in activities theyouth describe as fun.


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Have Fun Together

Focusing on fun activities early in the relationship canlead to more serious activities later.

As your mentee comes to see you as a friend, he or she is likely to be far more receptive tospending some of your time together in activities that are less obviously fun, such as working

on school-related assignments. Always be sure that these more serious activities are notforced upon the youththat they are something your mentee seems agreeable to doing.

Remember, it is always possible to weave educationalmomentsreal-life learninginto most fun activities.This is the kind of learning that youth tend to enjoyit islearning with an immediate purpose and an immediate

payoffand they often dont even realize that they arelearning. You can, for example, encourage your mentee to figure out the rules of new games, read road

signs to help you figure out where you are going, or do the math to see if the two of youreceived the right amount of change for a purchase. One mentor discovered bowling. Bowlingis a great way to teach addition, she says. Youve got to count the pins and add the scores.


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Give your Mentee a Voice andChoice in Deciding on Activities

Be sure that your mentee is a partner in the processof deciding what activities you will do together. Givingyour mentee a voice and choice about activities will:

Help build your friendship: It demonstrates that youvalue your mentees ideas and input and that youcare about and respect her or him.

Help your mentee develop decision-making andnegotiation skills.

Help avoid the possibility that you will impose its-

good-for you activitieslike homework sessionsonyour mentee without her or his agreement. This kindof imposition may make you seem more like a teacheror parent than a friend.


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It might seem like it would be relatively easy to include your mentee inthe decision-making process, but often it is not. Mentees might bereserved about suggesting activities because:

They dont want to seem rude.

A girl speaks about her belief that she should agree to everything:

Well, I never have said where I want to go. She makes plans for theday, and she asks if I want to go there. I cant say no because I thinkthat would be sort of rude to say, No, I dont want to go there.

It really is difficult for them to come up with ideas. Many youthin mentoring programs have had little opportunity to travel outsidetheir neighborhoods and so do not know what the possibilities might

be. If it is difficult for your mentee to request activities or voicepreferences, you can use these approaches to make it easier: Give arange of choices concerning possible activities. Be sure thechoices are youth-focusedbe sure your mentee will enjoy theactivities.


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Create an idea file together. One good activity to do togetheris to make a list of activities you would like to do in the future. Youcan write the list on a piece of paper (or on a computer and thenprint it out), or use index cards and write one idea on each card.This is a great strategy because the list or file will help both of you

when you are looking for ideas about activities you can dotogether. Making an idea file together is also an importantsymbolic actit reminds mentees that you care about theirpreferences and value their input.

Listen. You can learn a lot about what might capture yourmentees interest.

Emphasize to your mentee that her or his enjoyment isimportant to you. If your mentee is extremely quiet and you feelas though you have to play the lead role in choosing activities, youcan let him or her know you want the activities to be fun.


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A potential challenge:

Once young people are comfortable enough torequest activities, they might make requests

that are extravagant, such as frequent trips toamusement parks and adventure centers theyhave seen advertised on television or heardabout from their friends. Even more modestrequestsfor movies, video arcades, orrestaurantscan cost more than you arecomfortable paying, especially if the requestsare made week after week.


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To address this issue, you can:

Negotiate. Particularly as your relationship develops, you are likely tofind times when you and your mentee are negotiating about whatactivities you will do together. If you have a positive relationship, onewhere the mentee feels secure in your friendship and support, this

negotiation can be a valued aspect of the relationship (particularly forteenagers) because it signals the presence of equality between the twoof you.

Feel comfortable about setting clear limits on the amount ofmoney you will spend. Extravagant requests are typical for youthand especially understandable for youth from low-income families orother disadvantaged circumstances. Take the requests in stride. Youcan negotiate with your mentee until the two of you find somethingthat, while less costly, is still to the youths liking. Your mentee willunderstand and will appreciate that her or his voice is still a factor indeciding on activities.


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Be Positive

People who feel negatively about themselves tend to live down to their own self-image. Andyouth who are matched with mentors usually have a number of situations in their lives thatare leading them to feel exactly that way. They might, for example, have problems with aparent or sibling, difficulties in school, conflicts with peers, or involvement with the juvenile

justice system.

One of the most important things you can do as a mentor is to

help your mentee develop self-esteem and self-confidence. Doing activities together provides many opportunities for you to encourage your mentee to feel

good about himself. You can:

Offer frequent expressions of direct confidence. See handout Praise and encouragement help build your mentees self-esteem

Be encouraging even when talking about potentially

troublesome topics, such as grades. Be supportive; dont sound like you are criticizing.

Offer concrete assistance. At times, your activities might include helping your mentee with schoolwork, and this

assistance should be given in a way that helps build his or her self-confidence.


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Let Your Mentee Have Much of the Control OverWhat the Two of You Talk Aboutand How YouTalk About It

Along with doing enjoyable activitiestogether, listening and talking are at theheart of your relationship with yourmentee. The communication patterns youestablish early on will be key to therelationships development over time.

Take the time and effort necessary for yourmentee to develop trust in you. While you

know that your mentee should trust you,the reality is that you have to earn thetrust.


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Following these approaches can help you earnthat trust:

Dont push. It should come as no surprise to you that your mentee, especially at first, may be shy and

reluctant to talk, especially about difficult-to-reveal issues, such as problems in school or athome. Be careful not to push your mentee to discuss issues that she or he feels are toopersonal or might risk your disapproval.

Be sensitive and responsive to your menteescues.

Follow your mentees lead in determining what issues the two of you discuss and when.

Understand that young people vary in theirstyles of communicating and their habits ofdisclosure.

Some youth open up only very slowly while some confide in their mentor just a few weeks ormonths into the match.


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Be direct in letting your mentee knowthat she or he can confide in youwithout fear of judgment or exposure.

Having a mentor is probably a new form of relationship for the youth, who thus does not knowwhether, and to what extent, she or he can trust you. Make deliberate attempts to let yourmentee know that you are a safe person to talk to.

Remember that the activities you dotogether can become a source of

conversation. Whether you are playing catch together or enjoying a snack after seeing a movie, having a

conversation about the activity itself can help your mentee become more comfortable talkingto you. This, in turn, can ultimately help your mentee feel safe about making more personaldisclosures.


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Listen

Just listening gives mentees a chance to ventand lets them know that they can disclose

personal matters to you without worryingabout being criticized. The process of venting can also help them gain insight into whatever is bothering

them.

When you listen, your mentee can see that you

are a friend, not an authority figure. Many youth appreciate being able to bring up issues and having an adult who

responds primarily by listening. They recognize that listening is a form ofemotional support, and they may have few other sources of support in their lives.


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Respect the Trust YourMentee Places in You

Respond in ways that show you see yourmentees side of things.

This will encourage your mentee to continue sharing with you things that he or she mightnormally keep from an adult.

Reassure your mentee that you will be therefor him or her.

Some youth may be reluctant to disclose things about themselves because they worry thattheir mentor will disapprove of them and, as a result, disappear from their lives. This is areasonable fear for youth, especially those who have an absent parent and may feelresponsible for the parents leavingyouth often believe that they did something to drive the

parent away.

If you give advice, give it sparingly. A mentors ability to give advice will occur at different times and to varying degrees in

relationships, depending upon the mentees receptivity and needs. In every case, though, donot let advice-giving overshadow other ways of interacting and other types of conversation.


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Respect the Trust YourMentee Places in You

If you give advice, be sure it is focused onidentifying solutions.

The situations for which youth most commonly seek advice tend to involve arguments athome, struggles at school, and problems with friends. If your mentee asks you for advice, heor she is most likely looking for help with arriving at practical solutions for dealing with the

problem.

If, on occasion, you feel you have to conveyconcern or displeasure, do so in a way thatalso conveys reassurance and acceptance.

As your relationship develops into one of closeness and trust, there might be times when your

mentee discloses something to you that causes real concern. As a supportive adult friend, youmay be able to express that concernbut deliver your message in a way that also showsunderstanding.

Sound like a friend, not like a parent. Youth have a keen ear for the difference.


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Remember That Your Relationship iswith the Youth, Not the Youths Parent

Maintain cordial but distant contact with familymembers.

Be friendly and polite

Keep your primary focus on the youth.

Refrain from developing relationships with other members of your mentees family theywould compete with your relationship with your mentee.

Resist any efforts by the family to extract helpbeyond providing friendship for the youth.

Dont allow your mentees parent(s) to influence you into disciplining the youth or lecturingyour mentee about his or her behavior at home or school. In joining with the parent in thisway, you would be taking on a parental role yourself. In addition, do not allow family members

to draw you into their problems or disputes. Resist any desire you might have to intervenewith the family. If there is a problem in the family that seems to require outside services,contact program staff so they can deal with the issue. Also, do not hesitate to contact programstaff about any difficulties you are having with the family and to ask them to talk to the familyabout your role.


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Remember That Your Relationship iswith the Youth, Not the Youths Parent

Be nonjudgmental about the family. Both in interactions with your mentees family and in conversations with your mentee about

them, do not be judgmental. If your mentee complains or vents about his or her parents,provide support and, if appropriate, help your mentee find ways to deal with the problems, but

refrain from commenting in ways that disparage the youths family. Finding a response thatsimultaneously conveys understanding of your mentees difficulties with parents, and implieslittle or no criticism, can be a challenge. But criticizing a parenteven if you believe you areonly agreeing with the youths criticismputs your mentee in an awkward and embarrassingposition. The key is to listen without judgment and to assure the youth of your empathy andcaring.


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Remember that You are Responsiblefor Building the Relationship

Building a relationship cannot be rushed. During the earlyperiod, when you and your mentee are getting to know oneanother, you may have to be particularly patient andpersistent as you work to establish the foundation of ameaningful friendship, one that could ultimately help leadto positive changes in your mentees life. At first, therelationship might seem one-sidedyou might feel like youare putting out all the effort while your mentee seemspassive or indifferent. Remember that this is the time whenyoung people are going to be at their shyest and most

reticent, because they do not yet know you. It is also thetime when they may be testing you, because they couldhave limited reason to believe that adults can, in fact, bereliable and trustworthy.


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Remember that You are Responsiblefor Building the Relationship

Take responsibility for making and maintaining contact. Having regularmeetings with your mentee is essential if you are going to be able to develop a

strong relationship. You are the adult and must be responsible for being sure that the two ofyou meet regularly.

If you expect the youth to contact you, it is very likely you are going to feel disappointed andfrustrated, and it also means that you very likely will not be meeting consistently. Beunderstandingconsider the situation from your mentees point of view.

As your relationship develops, your mentee might, at times, initiate contactand that could beone indication that your relationship has evolved into a real friendship.

Understand that the feedback and reassurancecharacteristics of adult-to-adult relationships are oftenbeyond the capacity of youth.

At times, some mentors feel unappreciated because they get little or no positive feedback from

their mentee. They may interpret this as meaning that their mentee does not care aboutseeing them. But the fact that youth are reserved does not mean they are indifferent.

Mentors should allow themselves to recognize andappreciate the quiet moments that indicate they are makinga difference.


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Summary

Mentoring Best Practices Think of yourself as a learning facilitator rather than the personwith all the answers. Help your mentee find people and otherresources that go beyond your experience and wisdom on a topic.

Emphasize questions over advice giving. Use probes that helpyour mentee think more broadly and deeply. If he or she talks onlyabout facts, ask about feelings. If he or she focuses on feelings,ask him or her to review the facts. If he or she seems stuck in animmediate crisis, help him or her see the big picture.

When requested, share your own experiences, lessons learned,and advice. Emphasize how your experiences could be differentfrom his or her experiences and are merely examples. Limit yoururge to solve the problem for him or her.


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Summary

Resist the temptation to control the relationship and steer itsoutcomes; your mentee is responsible for his or her own growth.

Help your mentee see alternative interpretations and approaches.

Build your mentees confidence through supportive feedback.

Encourage, inspire, and challenge your mentee to achieve his or hergoals.

Help your mentee reflect on successful strategies he or she has usedin the past that could apply to new challenges.

Be spontaneous now and then. Beyond your planned conversations,call or e-mail out of the blue just to leave an encouraging word or

piece of new information. Reflect on your mentoring practice. Request feedback.

Enjoy the privilege of mentoring. Know that your efforts will likelyhave a significant impact on your mentees development as well asyour own.


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In Closing

Keep up the good work!

You are very appreciated by yourmentee and Catholic CharitiesConnections Program!

Dont rush the relationship, let itprogress at its on pace.

Enjoy your mentoring relationship!

Thank you, Thank You, Thank You!!!

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Effective Mentoring 7-13-12 Master