Introduction

• Thank-you for being a member of this program

• Please take with you the information that is valuable to you from this program

• Respect that others are here to do the same• Feel free to ask questions at any time

Day 1:

Self Disclosure, Boundaries, & Trust

~ Whenever you are ready to stop telling your emotions what they should be,

they will tell you what they really are.~- John Powell

Effective communication

• When a person interprets a message in the way that the sender intended it

Why is this important?

• Our ability to communicate impacts every relationship in our lives (e.g. With spouses, children, friends, etc)

• It also impacts our understanding of ourselves- We learn about ourselves through our relationships with others

Self advocacy

• To stand up for oneself• Expressing opinions according to personal

thoughts

Self disclosure

• Revealing information about your thoughts, feelings, or life experiences to another person

• Essential for healthy relationships- Allows others to get to know you and you to get to know others- Allows you to identify common goals, needs, interests, activities, and values with others

Effective self disclosures

1. Are more about feelings than facts2. Have breadth (number of topics) and

depth (amount revealed on a topic)3. Focus on the present4. Must be reciprocal

Benefits of self disclosures

• Validate our own ideas about the world• Increase our self-awareness• Help us manage stress and adversity• Feels good to be known intimately

Finding the balance

• If someone has been untrustworthy, it would be foolish to continue to disclose to that person

• Go slowly, allow time to build trust• Give people less critical information first

and see how they handle it, then work up to bigger disclosures accordingly

Trust your instincts

• Everyone has a choice about how much of themselves to reveal to other people

• Increased awareness of feelings and context help in determining how much information to give

Boundaries

• Limits or rules that define you as separate from others

• Promote integrity• Help to define self

• Can be divided into categories:• Emotional• Social• Physical• Sexual

Boundaries depend on context

• Context includes 3 things:• Your thoughts and feelings• Who you are with• Where you are

• Behavior that is appropriate in one context may be unhealthy or harmful in another

Thoughts and feelings

• Give us valuable information about boundaries

• Allow you to consider how others treat you, and how much to trust them

• We are sometimes taught to ignore them

Who you are speaking with• What is the relationship?• What is the culture?

• We learn about boundaries by the ways that we are treated as children

• What have you taught the person so far about your boundaries?

• We teach people where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us

• Has this person been respectful of your boundaries in the past?

• With some people, we need to be more active in protecting our boundaries

Where you are

• What is the environment like?• Are you familiar with this place?• What resources are available?• Is there privacy from other people?

Emotional boundaries• How do you identify and express your

feelings and emotions to others?• (e.g.. What personal information will you give out?)

• How do you respond to the feelings of others?

• How do you allow others to treat you? • (e.g.. What can people say to you?)

• What relationships do you keep, and what relationships do you back away from?

Social boundaries

• How do you interact with other people?• When do you interact with other people?• What are your rules about privacy?• How close or distant should people be?

Physical boundaries

• How close is your body is from other people’s bodies?

• How do you share physical space?• Who, how and when do you touch or allow

touch?• Context

Sexual boundaries

• What is ok for you, in terms of any sexual acts or expression of sexuality?

• Are interconnected with elements from physical, emotional, and social boundaries

• If sexual intimacy is not grounded in respect for boundaries, it can lead to problems in the relationship (e.g. Pain, rejection)

Boundary violations

• When someone knowingly or unknowingly crosses the emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual limits of another

• Two types of boundary violations: • Intrusion• Distance

Intrusion and Distance

• Intrusion• When a physical or emotional

boundary is breached• Distance

• When intimacy is less than appropriate to the relationship

How to build boundaries

• Increase self awareness• Identify childhood violations and the

offenders, become aware of resulting feelings, and get care for that damage

• Examine the state of your boundaries in current relationships, clean them up!

Defending boundaries

• Our ability to protect ourselves is related to the strength of our boundaries

• If we don’t develop clear boundaries, we are more likely to be violated

• Weak boundaries lead to a weak self-image• If we don’t defend our boundaries, we tell

our minds and bodies that they are not important

Trust

• Openness and sharing with others- Being willing to make yourself vulnerable in hopes of gaining something positive

• Constantly changes in relationships

Disrupting Trust

• Rejection, ridicule, or disrespect to openness

• Lack of reciprocation to openness• Refusal to disclose thoughts and

feelings after the other person has been accepting, supportive, and cooperative

Strengthening trust

• Support for personal process• Acceptance of differences• Enhancement of our uniqueness• Permission for expression• Respect for feelings• The right to say “no”• The freedom to say “yes”

Empowerment

• Regardless of what has happened to you in the past, you have the right to defend your boundaries from now on

• It is never too late to build healthy boundaries

• When you protect yourself, you empower yourself

Day 2: Listening skills

~ The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second stage is listening.~

Listening skills

1. Attending2. Following3. Reflecting

Attending

• A posture of involvement • Lean in, look attentive

• Appropriate body movement• Eye contact• Non-distracting environment

Body language:

• Posture• Eye contact• Gestures• Facial expressions• Tone of voice• Breathing

Following

• Welcome the conversation• Give little encourages (yes, go on, really?)• Ask some questions• Be silent!• Protect other person from your attacks!

Reflecting

• Paraphrase – Repeat in your own words• Briefly say what you think the feelings are• Briefly say what you think the meaning is• Briefly say your understanding of the main

themes

Roadblocks

• High risk ways of responding to others • Include:

Judging Solution Sending Avoiding concerns

Active Listening

• Concentrating on reflecting the feelings that we hear and don't hear

• Requires reading between the lines• Creates free and open space without

judgment

Active Listening

• Shows that you care and understand the other person– People will enjoy talking to you and will open

up more• If you have misunderstood, the talker can

immediately correct your impressions – You learn more about people.

• Usually directs the conversation towards important emotional topics

Active Listening

• Elicits acceptance and welcomes more intimate, personal topics

• Makes it safe to talk about "deep" subjects, so the talker can relax and more accurately express him or her self

• Reduces our irritation with others because we understand– To understand is to forgive

Active Listening

• May reduce prejudice or negative assumptions about others– Discover everyone is "understandable."

• Fosters more meaningful, helpful, and closer friendships

• Empathy is one of the more important skills you will ever acquire– Few people do it well

Empathy

• We often assume things about people, despite having little or no information

• Everyone is trying to do the best they can with what they know and feel at that moment

• Try to become persuaded by the other person’s position

Day 3: Behavior styles

~We must be the change we wish to see in the world.~

- Mahatma Ghandi

Behavior styles

• Passiveness - Not advocating for personal rights

• Aggressiveness - Threatening or violating the rights of others

• Assertiveness - Standing up for your rights while acknowledging the rights of others

Choose for yourself!

• Assertive behavior is the most effective in most situations

• However, it can be wise to be submissive or aggressive in some situations

• In general, being assertive helps people develop the power of choice over their actions

Six steps for assertion

1. Prepare yourself2. Send the message3. Be silent4. Listen reflectively (expect defensiveness)5. Recycle steps 2-4 as necessary6. Focus on finding a solution

Preparing yourself

• Write your message down• Practice sending it and responding to

defensiveness• Do not begin with small talk

• Make an appointment with the person

Before asserting, ask yourself:

• Is this appropriate?• Am I invading the other person’s rights?• Is there a base of trust?• Is this a persistent concern?• Am I likely to get my needs met?

How do I assert myself?

Behaviors+

Feelings +

Effects

(Then stop talking!)

Stating the behavior 1. Be specific2. Only refer to behaviors3. Be objective, not judgmental4. Be brief5. Assert about real issues6. Assert to the right person

Disclosing your feelings 1. Give your true feelings

• What was the first feeling?

2. Express intensity of feeling accurately3. Avoid using judgmental words4. Listen to your body5. Listen to your emotions

Clarify the effect 1. Be concrete2. Avoid imposing your values on others3. Only speak about the effect on you4. Talk about the real effect, not something

that seems more acceptable

After asserting yourself:• Be silent• Practice reflective listening, try to reduce

the defensiveness• Answer any questions with reflective

listening• Reassert your message when necessary• Persist – It usually takes 3-10 repetitions

How the other person responds

• Acknowledge emotional responses, offer to reconvene later

• If the person withdraws (won’t say anything), reflect their behavior and reassert yourself

• If the person continues to withdraw, suggest a solution and say that you would like to meet in a week to discuss how well it worked

Defensiveness

• Often occurs when people are told that they are causing a negative effect

• Breeds more defensiveness• Often blocks constructive communication• Respond to it with reflective listening and

when necessary, repeating your message

Use body language that says:

• I know what I want• I expect to have my needs met• I respect you

When someone becomes hostile

1. Attempt to stop the hostile behavior2. Avoid becoming emotionally involved3. Accept other person’s feelings4. (Perhaps) suggest an alternate way of

resolving the conflict

Day 4: Conflict Management and Problem Solving

~A problem well defined is half solved.~

Conflict

• Unavoidable• Can be disruptive and/ or destructive• Can cause positive change• Helps us understand ourselves better• Best to try to solve as early as possible

Two types of conflict:

• Realistic• Opposing needs, goals, means, values or

interests

• Nonrealistic• From ignorance, error, historical tradition,

prejudice, dysfunctional organizational structure, hostility, win/ lose competition

Preventing nonrealistic conflict• Use fewer roadblocks• Reflective listening• Assertion skills• Awareness• Emotional support• Tolerance and acceptance of others• Weighing out “costs” and “consequences”• Protecting others from attack (no harsh words or

put downs!)

Preparing for conflict

• Location – neutral ground, no distractions• Only those involved should be there• Contributing circumstances (e.g. Emotional

pain from grief, etc.)• Set a time with other(s)

• No surprise attacks!

Strong emotions

• Focus on emotions first!• Blood supply to the problem solving part of

the brain is decreased during emotional arousal

• Try reflective listening until the strong emotions recede

• This sends the message “How you feel matters to me”

Conflict resolution

1. Treat the other person with respect 2. Listen until you “experience the other

side”• Feelings• Content• Meaning

3. State your views, needs, and feelings

Demonstrate respect by:

• Listening• Maintaining eye contact• Tone of voice• Word selection• Type of reasoning

Being respectful is a true challenge!

Listen

• What is the other person saying?• What do they mean?• How do they feel?

Try to become persuaded by their position

Keep listening

• Repeat back what you have understood about meaning and feelings when the other person is finished talking

• Do not defend yourself against verbal remarks

• Do not say “I know how you feel”• You do not have to agree to listen

State your views, feelings, or needs

• Only after the other person feels heard• Be brief• Mean what you say – don’t over or under

exaggerate• Avoid loaded words (i.e. that imply

judgment, etc.)

Evaluate the conflict

• What was learned?• Was anyone hurt?• How useful was the fight in terms of

developing the relationship?• How well did I use the techniques?• How could I improve?

Potential outcomes to conflict

• Emotional connectedness• Personal growth• Other person may change• Creative problem solving• Deeper relationships

Problem Solving

Win/lose problem solving

1. Denial2. Avoidance Passive behavior3. Giving in4. Dominance - Aggressive behavior

Collaborative problem solving

1. Define the problem2. Brainstorm solutions3. Select a solution4. Make a plan5. Act out the plan6. Evaluate

Define the problem

• According to needs• Distinguish between means and ends• Why does each person want their proposed

solution?• What are the absolute needs of each person?

Brainstorming

• Go for quantity, not quality• Do not clarify or evaluate yet• Be open to “crazy ideas”• Expand on each others ideas• List all ideas

Select a solution

• Ask other person/ people which solutions they would prefer

• Say what you would prefer• Check for matches• Jointly choose the solutions to the problem

together• Called a consensus

Make an action plan

• Write out the agreement• Have each person state what they plan to do• Arrange a time to meet again to discuss

how well the solution is working

Act out the plan

• Do what you said you would• If other person doesn’t come through,

assertion and reflective listening may be needed

Evaluate

• Meet a few days or a week later• Discuss how well the solution is working• If necessary, brainstorm additional solutions

and create a new and improved action plan

Important reminders:

• Address emotions first• Define problems according to needs• Do not evaluate or clarify solutions when

brainstorming• Work out the details• Follow to ensure everyone’s satisfaction

with solution• Try to discover any underlying problems

~ The End ~