Some Text MissingJoemar M. RiveraWhy do I need to smile if everything is a mess? Isaac, come on, lets go. Its getting late, said Kuya Christopher, one of the editors-in-chief of our college publication. In one fluid motion, as I turned my head to face him, I saw him starting to put all of his scattered possessions inside his blue Jansport backpack. The couch potato just finished watching that foreign T.V. series he used to be addicted to, no doubt.Wait, Kuya Topher. Ill just finish this part of my story Im working on for our literary folio.A lie.Sure, no problem. Im giving you five more minutes. Its okay since today is the deadline. He said without looking at me. Instead, his eyes were glued to the cheap watch on his wrist as he stomped his left foot.A liars lie to another.After hearing that, I quickly posted the status I composed a while ago that summed up the mixture of emotions I felt this whole afternoon and logged out. I shut down my laptop and put it to its bag. The whole thing I think took only three minutes.Are you done? Can we go now? Tara na at baka abutan pa tayo ni April dito sa office, Kuya Topher said, trying to sound scared. Great. April, the ghost, came to picture; a good tactic for him to kick my butt out of the publications office. Why is he in a hurry?I think so, Kuya, I replied while putting my bag on my back. I pulled out the male plug of the airconditioner and proceeded to the offices door where outside, Kuya Topher is waiting. I then locked the door since Im the key keeper. After that, we started to walk out of the university.What time will you be going here tomorrow?Around 10 a.m., Kuya.Aga-agahan mo ha. Tomorrow is the first day of the filling up of forms for our annual qualifying examination, he said, now looking straight to my eyes.Noted, Kuya Topher, I answered while nodding.Good, he responded in a low tone.-----July 3, 2013, three days before the deadlineWorking Title: Three and a Half ExpossIf there is one person in our section whom I will never dare try to have some either nice or nasty conversation, it would be Alvin. Hes this guy whose life goes into a two-step routine: talk less and engage more in reading non-fiction books. Most of the time, hes carrying the classics The Catcher in the Rye his favorite, I guess. Irony riddles how that happened. Hes no Holden Caulfield, really.Evidently, he has no time for amity matters which is why my classmates used to call him weird. And that just means one thing: he is the center of attentioncriticisms, insults, negative judgments, you name themthat makes him so vulnerable to my bully classmates. He never fight back so if youll ask me, Ill just say that hes introvert.I honestly admit that my real reason of not being clingy to Alvin is, of course, unoriginal. Since he is weird, talking to him would lead the social animal within me in suicide. The moment I approached him is the moment when my established identity would collapse. So to sum it up, Im just playing safe like anybody else does. I cant bear to see the killing stares of others swallow me whole. After all, you cant blame me why for teenage years is easy just like how Math is easy copying others answers and solutions is inevitable.Aside from our professors, the only living entities who approach him are the girls who try to flirt but always end up for nothing. Theres no question that Alvin is good-looking but with the kind of attitude he possess, theres no way hell end up with a girl. It is needless to repeat that his focus is fixed to something else, if not by himself, to his books. If there are other persons who know him well in the university, no one knows.Not until Theodore came to the scene.To be continued-----Kuya Topher, can I ask you something? I broke after a couple of minutes of silence between us while riding on a jeepney. He looked startled. Based on the expression he had, he wasnt expecting that I would open a discussion.Sure, Isaac. Fire it up, he answered back. I hesitated for a moment with what Im going to say. That, Im sure would create either a negative or a positive comeback. Im waging on the former.How would you react if I resign from our publication? There it was, a dreamers suicide.Kuya Topher did not reply, instead he gave me twenty pesos to pass for his fare.Saan areng bente, asked by the driver of the jeepney after receiving the bill. I think he was in his late 40s.Sa Hyper laang po, Manong. Dalawa, estudyante,Kuya Topher replied. He then looked at me and said, Bayad ka na. Drama mo kasi, yan tuloy nakapanlibre ako ng di oras. I passed him his four-peso change.Matapos kang ilibre, tatahimik ka? Is your silent mode on? He must have read whats on my mind. Im not actually used to being offered by someone with a free fare. Especially if the offer is from someone whom I did not expect.Its not like that, Kuya. Im just flattered. Salamat po talaga, I timidly replied. Thats it? Its no big deal, Isaac. And dont worry, bukas, ikaw naman, he said, somewhat mockingly. I smiled and turned my head to the window of the vehicle. Its already dark but I can see the silhouette of everything due to the electric posts lights. We are now by the Provincial Capitol.So, Isaac, lets bring back your question. This time, it was Kuya Topher who broke the forming silence.Its nothing, Kuya. Forget about it, I said, trying to end the topic which I suppose would lead to a dramatic conversation.Isaac, why on Earth are you asking for my reaction? Are you going to resign from our publication?Kuya, forget that stup---Stupid question? No, Isaac. Its you whom I think is stupid, not the question. Kuya Topher, the most immature person Ive stumbled upon in my whole life said. This time the easy-go-lucky guy is being possessed by Boy Abunda, serious and full of sense.Theres no point in stopping me, now that you who opened up the matter. Dont worry, Isaac, Ill not judge you, he added.A part of me hesitated to respond, but since the bomb was already ignited, theres no point in turning back. I know that reality slaps hard so, a thicker cheek is a necessity for me. Whatever happens, will happen. Lets bring it on.Okay, Kuya. But answer my question first, What would be your reaction if I quit the publication? My heart is now pumping in the fastest way possible. Can I take his reply?No, Isaac. My reaction doesnt matter in your current situation. I think what matters this time is your reasons for leaving. I took a deep breath.My reasons for leaving? I asked.Yes, you heard it right. So, what are your worthy reasons?Actually, I have only two reasons, those I think are stupid---Its you whos stupid, he interrupted me.--- and not worthy. I still finished what I wanted to say.I am, thank you, I replied and added to his comment.Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Both of us paused for a while. I looked once again to the window of the jeepney while Kuya Topher is checking the message he just received. The silhouettes are now gone. I peeked at my watch, its short hand on the seventh dot. We are now by the Kumintang Elementary School.-----October 18, 2013; 2 days before the deadlineWorking Title: You Only Live OnceNinong!The deep, resonant voice coming from the terrace welcomed me the moment I stepped foot in front of my bungalow. When I looked, there on a monobloc sits Cynex, my best friend Daniels son and my inaanak, waving. In this late hour, I cant help but wonder what he is doing in my house. Not that hes not welcome here hes always in my place weekly. When I glanced at my glow in the dark wristwatch, the hands say 10:52 p.m. At this point in time, what could he need? There must be an important matter he wants to share with me, I wonder.Hey! What brought you here? I asked after I put my shoulder bag to the nearest table and opened the front door. I walked in and he followed.So welcoming, Ninong, he replied, mocking.Sorry, Cynex, Im just curious. Usually, you go here when its too early in the morning or late in the afternoon; but never this late. This was your first time, actually. Did Precious know that youre here? Yeah, nong, I think I got your point. But dont worry, I already texted Mom that I would come home late because I, though not really planned, wanted to visit you, he explained and then paused for a second.I made a deep breath before I spoke.Spill the beans now, Cynex. I know you came here for a reason, I cornered him.I just scanned him while my arms were crossed like a detective finding a hint from a crime suspect. He hadnt answered the question I asked minutes ago yet.Ninong Aldren, theres no need to look at me that way. Ill tell you later, promise. But, if you werent aware, Ive been here for about an hour or two and evidently, Im absobloodylutely hungry. Lets eat first, shall we?Manners, inaanak, manners. And, I think, originality, too. That absobloodylutely word is mine. Just mine, I said while smiling. Whatever, he replied. This young man in front of me really beats the shit out of me in conversations like this. Just like his father, I thought.Wait for me here, Ill just change, I added. Cynex nodded so I proceeded to my room to change from my office attire to my usual sando and khaki shorts. After a few minutes, I returned to the sala and called my inaanak.Follow me, Cynex. Well cook my all-time favorite, easy to prepare de-lata. Ugh, what do I need to expect from your cooking, Ninong? Nothing changes, Cynex replied.Dont be choosy, boy. I smirked.To be continued-----Sorry for the interruption, Isaac. Anthony just texted me to inform other staffers for our annual qualifying examination tomorrow. I sent them messages right away, Kuya Topher blurted out after ten minutes. No doubt that a great gap appeared in our conversation, Kuya Anthony is our great boss in the publication- his words are synonymous to gold.Its okay, Kuya. I understand naman po, I replied.So where are we now? Your reasons?Yes, Kuya. My unworthy and stupid reasons.Oh, yeah, I got it. Your reasons and unworthy and stupid self, Kuya Topher said, his lips now curved by a smile. Hes teasing again.What are those two reasons, he asked quickly.I have difficulty coping with all of the attitudes present with you and the staffers. I stopped and continue after five seconds, Sorry. There it went, the bullet was released, which I think will ricochet back to me, the fire starter. I bowed my head.Really? I raised my head slowly and faced him. He did not look surprised, there was no trace of him being offended. He instead, smiled.You are not the first one to say that. Most of our staff confessed the same thing to me. Im getting used to hearing that, actually. Theres no need to feel sorry, you just said what you were feeling towards me, towards us. That, I greatly commend you for. That was a mature and brave move. Thank you, Kuya. But still, the problem exists, I said.It still does. But do you think quitting the publication will solve the problem? Frankly, no, it will not. It will never be. You have a point, Kuya. But lets flip to the other side of the coin: quitting the publication will erase all of the issues that Im currently facing. Also, with that move, there is no more point to pushing myself to people whom I think dont bother to pay any attention to me, I defended. Thats true, yet wrong. With that, youre putting all of the efforts that you exerted to trash. Consider the fact that a while ago, you accepted the idea that you cant cope with our diverse attitudes and characteristics, you were not in a state of denial with your problem. Since time immemorial, that has been the first move in solving every problem: knowing the real problem, Kuya Topher said, now firm on his stand, his tone somewhat raised. I looked for the nth time out the window, and noticed that we are now passing Golden Country, just meters away from my destination. I sighed.Isaac, as a friend and a co-staffer, Ill say think through all of the memories that you shared with us and will be sharing in the future. You have potential, dont let it rot. Every move you take, think of all the possibilities the pros and cons. Beware, you can never tell if what will you do is a good or wrong move.Before you file your resignation, which I hope you will not do, think twice. The only person who can put a verdict on your situation is you. The fault of your would-be action lies not on the stars; you know very well who made the mistake if you continue with what you are thinking, he added. Kuya Topher now composed himself and put his bag to his shoulders.Para po, diyan lang po sa kanto, Manong, I said.The jeepney stopped and Kuya Topher and I, together with other passengers, got out of the vehicle. Silence formed again. But this time, as we came nearer and nearer to our respective commutes, no one dared to break it. There were no final words of wisdom. There were no goodbyes. And the second stupid reason is not revealed to anyone.Not yet.-----October 19, 2013; a day before the deadlineWorking Title: Kanang Walang KaliwaBakas na bakas sa aming mga mata ang pananabik na muli siyang makita at makasama. Matapos ang halos labingdalawang taon,ang pangungulilang bawat miyembro ng aming pamilya ay matatapos na rin sa wakas. Sa muli niyang pagbalik, alam kong ito na ang huling pagkakataon sa aming buhay na sasalubungin namin siya sa lugar na ito. Hindi na ito mauulit, iyan ang lagi kong itinatatak sa aking kukote. Hindi na muli pa.Sawang-sawa na ang aking mga mata sa tuwing nahuhuli ko ang aking ina na tahimik na nagmumukmok sa kanyang kwarto, pinipigil ang luhangn agbabadyang pumatak. Hindi ko na rin makakayanan pangmakaramdam ng sakit habang pinapanood ko ang kanyang pagsusumikap na palakihin kami ng maayos kahit wala sa kanyang tabi ang kabiyak. At higit sa lahat, ayaw ko na ring masaksihan ang linggo-linggong pangungumusta ng aking ina sa kanya na kababakasan ng pag-aalala at lungkot gaya ng gawain ng isang tapat na maybahay.Alam ko sa aking sarili na matutuldukan na rin ang mga ganiyang senaryo oras na dumating siya. Tama na ang paghihirap ng aking ina. Marapat lamang na masuklian na rin ng kagalakan ang labing-dalawang taon niyang paghihintay.Habang ang mga mata namin ay malikot na lumilibot sa paligid attinutunton ang mukhang kinasasabikan naming makita, sa may hindi kalayuay may kumakaway na lalaki na nasa edad singkwenta sa aming direksyon. Kapansin-pansin ang ngiti niyang halos umabot na hanggang tenga. Natahimik kaming lahat. Tanging ang papalapit na yabag buhat sa kanyang mga paa ang umaalingawngaw ng mga sandaling iyon. Pinagmasdan ko ang aking mga kapatid, gaya ng akin, hindi rin maipinta ang kanilang mga mukha. Samantala, paglingon ko sa aking kaliwa, nakikita ko ang aking inang umiiyak;ang kanyay hindi pangkaraniwan dahil kasabay ng pagbuhos ng mga luha sa kanyang mukha ay ang di maipaliwanag na ngiti.Harris, wika ng aking ina habang lumalapit sa lalaki. Walang anu-anoy hinawakan niya ang pisngi nito at tuluyang niyakap.Sa mga oras na iyon, unti-unting napalitan ng saya ang kaninang pagtataka. Marami mang mga pagbabago sa kanyang pisikal na anyo, ramdam ko ang nananatiling pagmamahal niya sa aking ina. Hindi ako maaaring magkamali dahil sa loob-loob koy alam kong siya na nga iyon --- ang aking ama.To be continued-----When, after fifteen minutes of a tricycle ride, I reached our house and went directly to my room. I put my bag to the nearby table and collapsed in bed. I did not dare change my clothes. I looked at the ceiling, somewhat waiting for answers to come. Unfortunately, nothing appeared.Will I continue with what I was planning to do?That is the question.I then went to my table and got my bag. I unzipped it and dug up the laptop inside. I pushed the power button and waited for two or three minutes while it boots up. This is the perfect time to write a story and prove myself worthy. Its my last chance, I told myself.Would I be able to finish it?That is the other question.