E x p o n e n t I I

Volume 27 Number 3

Southern California

2 Exponent II

EditorialLetter from the Guest Editors ..........................................................3

InterviewLael Littke: A Lifetime of Writing ...................................................4

Pondering the Proclamation on the Family ...................................6Lori F. Smurthwaite

Family Home Evening and Our Forever Family ..........................8Ruth Hathaway Mauss

Panel and Roundtable DiscussionFeminism and Mormon Women Today .......................................12

Red Moon and Metaphor................................................................18Rosalynde Frandsen Welch

Transformations ...............................................................................20Susan Layton Freitas

No Swans Allowed ..........................................................................22Catherine Vaughan

InterviewThen and Now: Erna Wong............................................................26

Poetry ..................................................................................................27Resurrected Thin by B. Jean WilliamsThe Fidgeting Ghazal by Brooke WilliamsSome News About the Soul by Sunni Brown

Negotiating Identity: Keeping My Name ....................................28Amy Hoyt

So I Married a Mormon Feminist ..................................................30Mike McBride

Exponent IIEDITORIAL STAFF

Editor Nancy DredgeGuest Editors Caroline Kline

Jana Bouck RemyAssociate Editors Kate Holbrook

Heather SundahlEditorial Assistants Kimberly Burnett

Aimee HickmanDesigners Nancy Dredge

Evelyn HarvillArtists Kathryn Knudsen

Emma Donaldson TaylorPhotographer Hideko CannellBusiness Mgr. Barbara Streeper TaylorPoetry Editor Ann StoneGuest Poetry Editor Brooke WilliamsBook Review Editor Deborah FarmerProduction Evelyn Harvill

EXECUTIVE BOARDPresident Aimee HickmanSecretary Linda AndrewsTreasurer Barbara Streeper TaylorHistorian Cheryl Davis DiVito

BOARD MEMBERSLinda Andrews, Robin Zenger Baker,Kimberly Burnett, Emily Curtis, Cheryl Davis DiVito, Nancy Tate Dredge, JudyRasmussen Dushku, Karen Call Haglund,Evelyn Harvill, Kate Holbrook, AimeeHickman, Heather Sundahl, Barbara Taylor,Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is publishedquarterly by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit corporation with no official connection with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles published represent the opinions of authors only and not necessarily those of the editor or staff. Letters to Exponent II or its editors andSisters Speak articles are assumed intendedfor publication in whole or in part and maytherefore be used for such purposes.Copyright © 2005 by Exponent II,Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon womento share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and accep-tance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other andshape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connectionto The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and our commit-ment to women. We publish this paper as a living history in celebra-tion of the strength and diversity of women.

CONTENTS

Cover art and artwork on pages 20,27, and 32 by Emma DonaldsonTaylor. Artwork on pages 18 and 22by Kathryn Knudsen. Photographson pages 4, 13-16 by Hideko Cannell.

Vol. 27, No. 3 3

Editorial

Letter from the Guest EditorsCaroline Kline

Last summer, Jana and I volunteered to beguest editors for a Southern California issueof Exponent II. As young Mormon women�Jana has two children and I am just begin-ning to think about starting a family�wewere trying to find ways to deal with theexpectations and roles placed upon us bythe Church and by society. As we talkedtogether at church, during visiting teaching,and at our UC Irvine graduate studentInstitute class, we discussed the needs wesaw among the young Mormon womenaround us, who seemed to need a forum to reach out to otherwomen and learn from each other�s stories and insights. Wesaw editing our own issue of Exponent II as the perfect vehicleto gather these women�s insights and perspectives and to jointhe powerful community of women already supporting andempowering each other through the Exponent II readership.

Last fall, during election time, as Jana and I worked on gather-ing articles and organizing our feminist panel, I couldn�t helpbut think of the women who so inspiringly fought for women�srights in our nation�s history: Elizabeth Cady Stanton and SusanB. Anthony. As we compiled and edited articles in our ownattempts to empower the women around us, I began to identifywith Anthony�the childless, intense woman of action, organiz-ing and dealing with practical issues. Jana took the role ofStanton in my mind�thinker, writer, idea-generator, a motherbalancing her own pursuits with the needs of her family.

In putting together this issue, we were inspired by the firstissues of Exponent II that came out in the 1970s�fiery, frankattempts to reconcile the gospel with current societal theoriesand concerns. Like these issues of the past, you may notice thebold, forthright tone of many of the articles in this issue. Withmany of the contributors in their twenties and thirties, this issueprimarily reflects the concerns of women dealing with theexpectations of the Southern California communities we live in,as well as the expectations the gospel places upon us women.Articles dealing with feminism, body image, and gender rolesdominate this issue, tempered with the stories and insights of aprevious generation of women who dealt with similar concerns.

Jana Bouck Remy

One of the greatestgifts I�ve ever re-ceived from mymother is the stackof yellowed ExponentII papers that shegave me when I wasa freshman in col-lege. The articles Iread inspired me,and the women whowrote them became

my heroines. Among that group ofpapers was the 1979 Southern Californiaissue that Lael Littke edited. What aprivilege it is to be following in her foot-steps with this issue! I look forward tothe day that I�ll pass a copy of this paperon to my daughter. Perhaps she will findsome joy in reading about what hermother and other women thought aboutin the early years of the twenty-first cen-tury. Perhaps she will identify with theissues and challenges we face. Perhapsshe will see that many things havechanged. Hopefully, she will herself bea subscriber and contributor to Exponent II.

The most significant lesson that I�velearned in putting this issue together isthat Mormon women have so much toshare with each other. We may think weare so different�in age, in color, in mari-tal status, in education, and so forth�butI think we too often let these differencesdivide us. However, these differencesgive each of us a unique voice and per-spective. It�s my hope that this issue,with its many voices, will inspire each ofyou to create a dialogue with the sistersin your own community.

4 Exponent II

Author Lael Littke is perhaps bestknown for her books for adolescentgirls, which include a number ofnationally popular suspense novels,such as Haunted Sister and Lake ofSecrets. She has also producednumerous novels for Deseret BookCompany that center around youngMormon girls, among which is thesuccessful Bee Theres series. Morerecently, Lael worked with currentChurch historian Richard E. TurleyJr. to co-author the children�s book,Stories from the Life of JosephSmith. Altogether, Lael has publishedthirty-nine books.

Lael Littke grew up on a farm inMink Creek, Idaho. After graduatingfrom Utah State University, shemoved to Denver to pursue a career.There she met George Littke. Theymarried and moved to New YorkCity, where Lael worked full time and studied writing by night. Whenher husband was hired to teach politi-cal science at Cal State Los Angeles,Lael turned her full attention to writ-ing once again, eventually teachingfiction writing at Pasadena CityCollege and the University ofCalifornia, Los Angeles.

In 1979, Lael guest edited the previ-ous Southern California issue of theExponent II. We felt it was particu-larly appropriate for her to be a presence in this current SouthernCalifornia issue since she was so instrumental in bringing about thefirst one.

Lael, now widowed, has one daughterand currently lives in Pasadena withfive cats.

You grew up in times when itwas somewhat unusual for aMormon woman to have a career.How did you decide to become a

writer? What or who influencedyour desire to write?

I think the desire to become awriter came in the package thatwas me; it was included in myDNA. As soon as I learned toread, I knew I wanted to writestories. I don�t remember anybodyinfluencing this desire except myseventh andeighth gradeEnglish teacher,Emil Larson,who told me Idefinitely hadan ability towrite. I think hewas sent to ourtiny town just to teach me howto use that mar-velous tool, theEnglish language. He had us diagram sentences endlessly, for which I�ve always been grate-ful because it taught me structure.He loved my tales of dogfightsand family oddities and neighbor-hood games.

What effect, if any, did growingup in a small Idaho farm townhave on your desire to write?

Growing up in my small Idahofarm town influenced my desireto write because I saw so manystories that needed writing�notonly about people, but animals aswell. One of the first stories I soldwas titled �The Departure of OldDammit,� about an old horse wehad. Our school went through tengrades, and then we had to go toPreston (where Napoleon Dynamitewas filmed!) for the last two yearsof high school. In our tiny two-year Mink Creek High School,which boasted twenty-six stu-

dents, I had the opportunity to bethe newspaper editor and get astart in writing.

How did you reconcile the desirefor a writing career with otherroles for women emphasized bythe Church?

The only role we were encouragedto pursue in my littleMormon town wasthat of wife andmother. I wantedthat, too, but I want-ed more, and I justwent my own wayabout achieving it.

You attended UtahState University.How did family andfriends react to your

decision to move away to attendcollege? In what ways did yougrow and develop both academi-cally and personally during yourcollege years?

My parents definitely encouragededucation, although I don�t recallthat they ever came right out andsaid it. We kids just absorbed theirgeneral attitude, which was thatwe should do all we could educa-tionally�something they hadnever had the opportunity to do.Neither of them went past theninth grade although both wouldhave liked to.

At that time, more and morewomen were starting to attendcollege, so my determination toreceive a higher education wasnot so unusual. Three of mygrowing-up girlfriends were mycollege roommates all four years.We lived off campus in dumpy,affordable apartments. We had

Lael Littke: A Lifetime of WritingInterview

Vol. 27, No. 3 5

already had experience beingaway from home because we�dhad to rent rooms in Preston forthe last two years of high school.We did a great deal of growingand developing, not only in beingon our own but also in the domes-tic arts since we had to cook andclean for ourselves. The four of uswere able to help one another alot. Since we had grown uptogether, we knew one another sovery well. We were all fairly stu-dious, but we also always haddates for the dances. One or moreof us was always in love withsome cute boy!

The encouragement of that juniorhigh teacher gave me the courageto take every writing class avail-able at Utah State, which mademy ability to write grow. Theclasses taught by Moyle Q. Ricewere especially influential. Heloved my Mink Creek stories ofthe Relief Society �bizarres,� thegossip at the general store, andthe woman who fell asleep whiledying her hair and almost diedfrom shock over the results.

What happened after you gradu-ated from Utah State?

I graduated with a teachingdegree but didn�t want to spendmy life in a small Utah or Idahotown, so I went to Denver to joina girlfriend and get a secretarialjob. I met George Littke at theDenver First Ward. I was musicdirector in MIA and needed atenor for a show we were produc-ing. Somebody pointed Georgeout to me and said, �That newguy is a tenor.� So I introducedmyself, and the rest is history. Iwas attracted to him because hewas highly intelligent and ambi-

tious. So maybe it was his brainrather than his beauty that firstattracted me�although he wastall, blond, and good looking, too!I think what we appreciated mostin each other was our commoninterest in the Church and the factthat we supported each other inour individual ambitions.

What special insights have yougained through your experiencesas a wife and as a mother? Havethese experiences influencedyour writing?

I guess you always learn a lotabout human nature by livingclosely with someone else. Ilearned that you can�t change ahusband. You�d better accept himas he is or else not marry him. Ilearned to accommodate. As forbeing a mother�motherhood isan infinite and unending educa-tion. The main thing I�ve learned,I guess, is that you must let yourchildren go. I�ve used ideas likethis as themes in short stories.

Tell us the writing project thatyou are most proud of.

Perhaps I am most proud of my first major magazine sale, ashort story titled �The Day WeLost Max,� which came right outof early family observations although the story itself is fiction.It was first published in TheLadies� Home Journal and thenwent on to be republished some-thing like forty-five times in text-books, anthologies, and foreignpublications.

Which of your writing projects isthe most personal?

Probably my first Young Adult

novel for a major publisher. It�stitled Trish for President and is setin my hometown of Mink Creek,Idaho. (I used a different name forthe town in the book.) Althoughthe story is total fiction, a lot of itsaction happens at my old highschool, and it reflects a lot of myteenage thoughts and my laterphilosophies.

How has your faith affected yourwriting?

Probably in that my heroinesalways have a lot of integrity.Several of my novels have aMormon background and thecharacters act accordingly. Thesenovels are mostly light-heartedand don�t deal with heavy materi-al. However, one titled Blue Skyeis about a little girl abandoned byher mother, who rides off into thesunset with her new husband ontwin Harleys. The girl finds outwhat true family is through thepeople of the town.

Do you feel that your Mormon-ness is reflected in your non-Deseret writing?

Yes, definitely. The novels men-tioned above are not Deseret pub-lications. Even my weird mys-tery/suspense novels reflect myMormon-ness, I think. Lake ofSecrets starts out with �Familiesare forever,� which becomes thetheme in a different kind of way.

What works of Mormon litera-ture have inspired you the most?

Probably two novels�AddedUpon, by Nephi Anderson, andThe Giant Joshua, by MaurineWhipple. I read Added Upon,

continued on page 25

6 Exponent II

Lori F. Smurthwaite

�The Family: A Proclamation tothe World,� more commonlyreferred to by LDS people as �theproclamation on the family,� isconsidered scripture or �nearscripture� by many members ofthe Church. Its language seemsstraightforward and simple, butas with other scripture, when Istudy and ponder it, I discoverideas in it that I do not fullyunderstand. When I�ve shared mythoughts about the Proclamationwith other LDS men and women,I�ve found that I am not the onlyone with questions, but many ofus are not sure how to go aboutasking them. So I want to raisetwo questions, offer tentativeanswers in response, and invitecontinued discussion.

First, I�ve encountered a numberof Church members who are confused by the seeming contra-diction in the following lines:

By divine design, fathers are to pre-side over their families in love andrighteousness and are responsible toprovide the necessities of life and pro-tection for their families. Mothers areprimarily responsible for the nurtureof their children. In these sacredresponsibilities, fathers and mothersare obligated to help one another asequal partners. (emphasis mine)

By conventional definition, some-one who presides occupies a placeof authority or control. The wordpreside seems to set up a hierarchyin the family with men at the top.It is hard to reconcile that defini-tion of preside with the word equal.The words seem to contradicteach other and suggest two differ-ent relationships between men

and women. (Of course, the ideathat men preside in the home isnot new to the Proclamation, butthe Proclamation provides a goodexample of that idea being linkedwith an emphasis on equality.)

I�d like to suggest a differentdefinition of preside that issupported by theProclamation as well as byother counsel given us byChurch leaders. This defini-tion is much closer to that ofthe Latin root word praesidere,one meaning of which is �toguard� or �to sit at the headof� in order to protect. Aguard is one who serves andprotects others. A father whoguards his family serves andprotects family members byfulfilling their physical andspiritual needs. The conceptof presiding as guarding isclear in the admonition tofathers that immediately fol-lows the word preside��to love,protect, and provide the necessi-ties of life� for their families. Thisdefinition is also supported byChurch counsel, which consistent-ly describes presiding as servingand caring for the family, not con-trolling it.

This definition may seem too gen-eral because it makes no usefuldistinction between the roles offathers and mothers; however,LDS fathers serve and care for thefamily in ways that differ fromwhat mothers do. LDS fatherswho hold the priesthood are giventhe authority to act in the name ofChrist, using Him as their exam-ple. The Savior�s life was one ofservice; His highest priority wasto fulfill the spiritual and physicalneeds of those around Him, cul-

minating in His greatest gift ofservice, the Atonement. If fatherstake seriously their assignment to�preside over their families inlove and righteousness,� theirgreatest priority will be to live

worthily so that they can use theirpriesthood to provide service inthe home and to strengthen andprotect family members spiritual-ly through priesthood ordinancesand blessings.

Because preside suggests servicerather than hierarchy, fathers whodo not hold the priesthood alsopreside over (or guard) their families when they address thespiritual and physical needs offamily members so that theimportant work of rearing chil-dren flourishes. By this definition,fathers can simultaneously pre-side in the home and be equalpartners with mothers.

The second apparent contradic-tion of the ideal of equal partner-ship arises in the traditional

Pondering tthe PProclamation oon tthe FFamily

Vol. 27, No. 3 7

division of labor (fathers as bread-winners and mothers as nur-turers) suggested by the statementthat fathers provide for their fami-lies while women are �primarilyresponsible for the nurturing oftheir children.� The phrase �pri-marily responsible for� seems toexclude by definition the idea ofequal partnership. In my observa-tion, this assignment of responsi-bilities is interpreted by some LDSpeople to mean that fathers do notneed to be as active in the dailytasks of child rearing as mothers.But if she is doing most of thework, he is not an equal partner.

Here I�ll borrow words of wisdomfrom a former bishop and coun-selor in a stake presidency whoreminded me that, as with all call-ings or roles in life that have aspiritual component, it is essentialto remember the concept of stew-ardship. One who has steward-ship oversees the work but doesnot necessarily work alone. If weapply the concept of stewardshipto the proclamation, we mightconclude that mothers oversee therearing of children while fathersoversee the provision of necessi-ties, but nowhere is it suggestedthat either should do the bulk ofthe work alone. In fact, quite theopposite is true.

An earlier paragraph of theproclamation reads, �Parents havea sacred duty to rear their chil-dren in love and righteousness, toprovide for their physical andspiritual needs, to teach them tolove and serve one another . . .�The statement continues,�Husbands and wives�mothersand fathers�will be held account-able before God for the dischargeof these obligations.� Note that in

these lines parents are equallycharged with both responsibilities:to nurture their children and pro-vide for their needs. When theidea of accountability is intro-duced, no differentiation of rolesis made based on gender. Thissuggests that the concept ofshared stewardship is more accu-rate than the idea thatmothers and fathershave separate respon-sibilities.

In fact, the concept ofshared stewardshipmakes for healthyfamily relationshipsbecause it leavesroom for women to have interestsand commitments outside of thehome and for men to be activelyinvolved in the lives of their chil-dren. I think it is dangerous tosuggest that men can afford to beless involved in any aspect ofchild rearing than their wivesbecause this assumption may leadmen to fail to prepare themselvesfor their most important eternalrole: Father. In a world wheremen are already too often unin-volved in the daily lives of theirchildren, it makes no sense todownplay the role of father in thelives of LDS men. Once a womanor a man becomes a parent, thatrole is most important.

That truth is clear when we lookat the example of our Father inHeaven. He does not assume Hehas less capacity than women tonurture, as is sometimes assumedof mortal men, nor does He leaveHis parenting responsibilities toHis partner. It seems a littlestrange to me that we continue toemphasize the woman�s role asnurturer when it is apparent that

God�s foremost role is that of anurturing Father. Perhaps weshould not assume, then, that nur-turing capacities are either inher-ently stronger in women or moreimportant for them to develop.We do not yet know much aboutthe specific roles of men andwomen in the eternities, but we

do know that both men andwomen will be nurturers of chil-dren. We know this because,through revelation, we havelearned something of the eternalnature of family relationships,including our identity as spiritchildren of Heavenly Parents. Ifour Heavenly Father acts as bothnurturer and administrator, it islogical to wonder whether ourHeavenly Mother does as well.Although I hope we will yetreceive revelation that teaches usmore about the roles of and rela-tionship between our HeavenlyParents, we have already receivedsufficient revelation to know thatthe role of parent is the mostimportant eternal role for whichboth genders are preparing.

I hope that my ideas will encour-age continued discussion, but Idon�t pretend that they are any-thing more than partial and sub-jective answers. I�ve always takengreat comfort in the ninth Articleof Faith, which emphasizes our LDS faith in the reality of ongoing

continued on page 21

. . .[T]he role of parent isthe most important eternalrole for which both gendersare preparing.

8 Exponent II

Family Home Evening and Our Forever FamilyRuth Hathaway Mauss

A very long time ago�in fact,more than half a century ago�myhusband Armand and I decided toget married and start our family.Like most other young couples,we thought we knew enoughabout life to deal with whateverwe might encounter. Not surpris-ingly, after having the first of oureight children, we soon becameaware that children do not comewith an instruction manual andperhaps we didn�t know as muchas we thought we did. The experton raising children in those goodold days was Dr. BenjaminSpock, who mostly told par-ents how to keep childrenalive from day to day butnot how to deal with theemotional ups and downsand daily unexpectedevents that challenged oursocial equilibrium and goodtempers. Our secondaryresource was well-meaningfriends and relatives, whoseadvice, of course, variedwidely in reliability.

Although �Home Evenings�had been recommended bythe First Presidency as early as1915, the need for them was notvery widely appreciated until thepost-World II �baby boom,� whenLatter-day Saints, even more thanother Americans, produced rela-tively large families in proliferat-ing suburbs. These demographicchanges strained the bondsbetween generations and leftmany new families without thesocial and religious supports thatsmall towns had earlier provided.Finally, in response to PresidentMcKay�s dictum that �No othersuccess can compensate for failure

in the home,� the Churchlaunched a comprehensive weeklyfamily home evening program in1965, complete with a manual oflessons and activities for the guid-ance of parents. (See the accountin Daniel H. Ludlow, ed., TheEncyclopedia of Mormonism, 1992:495-97.)

As early as November of 1959,however, we had already decidedto bring a semblance of order outof the chaos in our family with aregular schedule of family meet-ings in accord with the emphasisPres. McKay was beginning to

stress on their importance. Ourrecollections of these memorabletimes are taken from four volumesof Family Home Evening (FHE )minutes that we faithfully record-ed across two decades. We startedthese meetings on the last Fridayof every month at 8 P.M., whichallowed me to put the twoyounger boys in bed so thatArmand and I could engage thefour older children in a construc-tive discussion.

At our first meeting, Armand stated with great confidence that

he would soon write a FamilyConstitution, specifying the exactrules of conduct that we would allvote to uphold. The children wereimpressed with the importance ofthe occasion, and there was a live-ly exchange of ideas for findingsolutions to the endless array offamily problems. Our oldest chil-dren were so excited that theyended this portentous occasion byvoluntarily singing rousing rendi-tions of their favorite Primaryhymns. They were rewarded withice cream and cookies for suchattentive behavior. That first meeting lasted almost one hour

and was duly recordedby me.

During the followingyear, we introduced arotating chore chart witha system of merits anddemerits. Armand andthe boys would take careof outside tasks; the twogirls and I would beresponsible for house-hold jobs. We also set upa suggestion box fordepositing requests fordiscussion of problemsand reporting achieve-

ments and other items of histori-cal importance. Our children onceagain responded with enthusiasm,but our two daughters expressed their concerns that issues wouldbe settled in a fair and equitablemanner, given the predominantmale majority in our home.

By 1962, Armand had abandonedhis intention to write a formalconstitution and announced that henceforth we would abide by the British constitutional system�that is, a series of precedents.After all, we now had a written

Vol. 27, No. 3 9

record of more than two years ofdiscussions and agreements about rules and policies. We also decided that the age for participa-tion by our youngest child shouldbe age five, after the civilizingprocess acquired from Primaryand Sunday School attendance.Our suggestion box was now realistically referred to as the�gripe box,� and with the increasein the range of problems beingconsidered at each meeting, weresolutely moved forward with adecision to have two meetingseach month, on the first and thirdSunday evenings.

Our oldest son was now age tenand asked if he could take a paperroute as some of his friends weredoing. This request led to regulardiscussions about financial mat-ters�what tasks called for com-pensation and how to deal withmoney in general. We also agreedto give an allowance to our olderchildren based on a sliding scale,according to their ages and needs.This decision led to a series of dis-cussions about the importance oflearning to be reliable and respon-sible workers, savings accounts,paying tithing, deferred gratifica-tion, accepting consequences forone�s actions�in general, learningto be responsible citizens in thehome and larger community.

By the end of 1963, we had beenblessed with the births of twomore sons, which significantlychanged the family dynamics. Wereverted to delaying the start offamily meetings until the twoyoungest could be put in bed.Because of predictable interrup-tions for me having to do with theyounger children, our three olderchildren eagerly agreed to share

in the task of recording the FHEminutes. The increased workinvolved in caring for two infantsprompted our second daughter toinquire if there was a distinctionbetween boys� work and girls�work, as there seemed to be a lop-sided balance in chores assignedto the girls compared to those forthe boys. Since neither Armandnor the boys could adequately jus-tify the existing arrangement,tasks were assigned thereafterwithout regard to gender.

In 1966, a much-needed FamilyHome Evening manual�with itsweekly lessons, songs, and sug-gested activities�was providedby the Church. According to thenew instructions, no competingChurch meetings or activitieswere to be scheduled on Mondayevenings, with the express intentof allowing time for Family HomeEvenings. This welcome instruc-tion came at a crucial juncture forour family because we were mov-ing into an intense period of inter-action�namely, the teenageyears. The manual�s comprehen-sive and adaptable material wasdesigned to include appropriatelessons for various age levels. Ofcourse, some topics and issueswere not covered in these manu-als, but we were resourceful andcreative in finding additionalbooks with appropriate informa-tion for our family. We forgedahead with a meeting schedule ofMonday evenings as suggested.

The year of 1966 was a year ofachievement and increasing matu-rity for our older children. Ourfirst son, age fourteen, receivedhis Eagle Scout award; our twodaughters completed a seven-week �Modern Mormon Miss�

charm-school (?!) course; the threemiddle boys were progressingdutifully through the scoutingprogram; and our bonus boys, atthe ages of four and three, wereenjoying these years as indulgedfamily pets. The six older childrenwere benefiting from the musicaleducation they had begun at ageeight, which included piano, flute,trumpet, clarinet, and violinlessons. All eight were enthusias-tic vocalists, and our family homeevenings were often rather raucous and boisterous.

In April, 1967, Armand accepted afaculty position at Utah StateUniversity in Logan, Utah.Moving from an urban area inCalifornia to a smaller, more ruraltown in Utah prompted severalFHE lessons on the cultural differ-ences between Utah andCalifornia and what we mightencounter in attitudes and accep-tance. Contrary to comments wehad heard from some LDS friendsthat the Church was �always thesame� wherever they went, wesoon found that our Church com-munities had distinct differencesas well as the usual commonali-ties. The advance preparationserved us well because our entirefamily�including Armand andme�had to make adjustments.Because the children�s social skillsand musical talents were valued,and thanks to their years of FHEverbal exchanges, our older chil-dren found acceptance readily inhigh school and middle school.Our next three sons were not sofortunate and were constantly sparring with schoolmates aboutthe lifestyle in California com-pared to that in Utah.

continued on page 10

10 Exponent II

Armand did not find a comfort-able fit at Utah State Universityand, just two years later, we againprepared our family for a move,this time to Washington StateUniversity in Pullman,Washington. We would be goingto a similar small college town butone that was drawn from agreater range of religious commu-nities. We were hopeful that life insoutheastern Washington wouldbe far enough from the strife andsocial upheaval that was takingplace at that time in more urbansettings, especially in California.

Pullman proved to be a secureand relatively stress-free environ-ment during the next ten yearswhile our family navigated itsway through rapidly changing circumstances. The flexible andconsistent material in the FHEmanuals contributed to the structure and stability we werestriving for. With all the childrenin school, I was able to find pleas-ant employment, first with a fran-chise for the newspaper beingdelivered by our sons, then as apolice dispatcher, and eventuallyon the university staff, whichenabled me finally to finish mycollege education. By 1973, ouroldest son and two daughters hadgraduated from high school,found employment, started col-lege, and moved away fromhome. By 1975, our oldest son hadreturned from a mission and wasmarried, our second son was serv-ing a mission, the third son wasworking and living on his own,and our fourth son was now asenior in high school.

By the end of 1979, when werecorded the minutes of our lastofficial Family Home Evening, our

family now consisted of Armandand me and the two youngestboys. We continued to have infor-mal family meetings but no longerrecorded them, probably becauseour family had arrived at a moreagreeable and peaceful stage andour two boys had thoroughlyabsorbed the family rules and traditions they had learned fromus and their siblings.

In the process of reviewing ourFamily Home Evening minutes in this sentimental stroll downmemory lane, I recognize severalthemes that constitute somelessons learned from our sharedexperiences. These thoughts, as set forth here, might seem idealized because they are distilla-tions that do not include all therough-and-tumble experiencesalong the way.

Teaching Basic Values�MilkBefore Meat

The FHE lesson material isdesigned to be flexible in present-ing concepts for a range of agesand maturity levels. A basicunderstanding of gospel princi-ples, starting with the Articles ofFaith, acceptance of an opennessto spirituality, developing empa-thy, and expressing and showinglove for each other were just thebeginnings of simple but bedrockvalues within our religious frame-work. If we had paused to con-sider the immense task ahead ofus of instilling sound principles inour children, we may not havebeen so courageous, but as the oldsaying goes, �We didn�t have toconsume the whole elephant inone day!� As our family wentthrough the usual stages of devel-opment, we gradually introduced

flexibility and relativity in consid-ering the more abstract values,absolutes, and ambiguities. Afteran occasional lengthy and infor-mative sermon from Armand, thechildren would ponder what theyhad heard and then come to me totry out their thoughts and conclu-sions. Of course, Armand and Iwere closely connected to thescholarly community and hadaccess to an increasing number ofbooks and articles about Churchhistory, doctrines, and policies,which with varying success weencouraged our children to consult in order to get a widerperspective beyond our basic FHE lessons.

The Importance of Opportunitiesfor Expression

Our family members relished theopportunities to share ideas andperspectives about a wide rangeof issues, and there were frequentarguments. As parents, we real-ized that each child had a distinctand unique disposition and per-sonality. The children�s learningpatterns were different, as well astheir emotional responses to rulesand discipline, but all wereencouraged to bring up topics thatmattered to them. Especiallywhen the children were quiteyoung, there were outbursts ofanger, many instances of yellingand even tears with hurt feelings,but also many moments of humoras somebody would break the ten-sion with a well-timed quip orjoke. Through it all, we tried tohelp one another find better andmore constructive ways to inter-act. The process of repentance and the act of giving and receiv-ing forgiveness were especiallyimportant in creating bonds of

Family Home Evening continued from page 9

Vol. 27, No. 3 11

trust and loyalty in our family.All of us learned to be less judg-mental about ourselves and oth-ers. We all made mistakes, but wewould not share this informationoutside the family. Armand and I especially made progress inadjusting our attitudes andbecoming more adept and flexiblein accommodating the variety ofopinions and viewpoints.

To this day, our favorite activity isarranging a family gathering tocelebrate birthdays, share reportsof achievements and mishaps, andengage in animated discussions.

Armand and I try not to giveunsolicited advice to our nowmiddle-aged children.

Paradoxical as it might seem, welearned that frank and vigorousargumentation, even contention,across the years in Family HomeEvenings eventually produced thelove and respect now so apparentin the frequent interactions of ouradult children. None of us wouldclaim to have arrived at perfectionyet, but it is obvious that our children all enjoy each other enormously and frequently reflecton our FHE encounters.

The Importance of Example,Tradition, and Family Rituals

FHE lessons stress the importanceof setting good examples for others. Regular attendance at

church, serving and sharing withothers, paying tithing, participat-ing in church and communityevents, respecting and not impos-ing on others, taking pride in hardwork, setting and striving to reachgoals, making clear distinctionsbetween good and bad choiceswere all attributes we continuedto incorporate into our lives.Since we were living in the infor-mation age and received so manyexamples of negative behaviorfrom the media and other sources,we had many examples to discuss,both good and bad. Unfortun-ately, we found that sometimes

the bad examplesoccurred within ourChurch communitiesand even in our fami-ly. Since it was notour responsibility tomake judgmentsabout others, we feltsympathy for those

who were struggling to achieverepentance and forgiveness.

Creating enjoyable family tradi-tions through family activities wasanother positive influence for us.Many of our family traditions centered on the musical talentscultivated by Armand and most ofour children. Our children enjoyimmensely sharing their musicalskills in church and communityperformances. A favoriteChristmas Eve activity every year is for the family to gather for a rousing performance ofHandel�s Messiah, singing until allare hoarse.

Male and Female Perspectivesare Not the Same

I was always convinced divineintervention brought our two

daughters into the family in thebirth order of numbers two andthree. In my daughters I had twoallies to share and promote afemale perspective in a predomi-nantly male household. Ourdaughters and I contributed alternative viewpoints about howto make decisions, solve problems, make compromises,and show compassion. In general,we were more inclined to use gentle persuasion than wereArmand and the brothers. Thisfemale influence had positiveresults on our sons, who werehighly regarded as missionariesnot only for their domestic skills,but also for their kinder, gentlerways of dealing with their com-panions. Our younger daughter,who was once accused by herolder brother Mike of �thirstingfor power,� found in later lifeopportunities for power indifferent paths. At the start ofevery school year, she now gets a completely new group ofkindergarten students to moldinto competent first-graders andpossible future leaders.

In conclusion, to paraphraseanother author, �Almost every-thing we needed to know, welearned in Family HomeEvening.� The trip with our fami-ly continues and we are enjoyingthe journey. �

The mother of eight, grandmother oftwenty-one, and great-grandmotherof three, Ruth lives in Irvine,California, with Armand, her hus-band of fifty-four years. Ruth writesfamily history, is an avid consumer ofthe literature in Mormon Studies,and is regularly sought out by herhusband as his most incisive critic ofhis own writing.

. . . [G]iving and receivingforgiveness were. . .importantin creating bonds of trustand loyalty in our family.

12 Exponent II

Feminism and Mormon Women TodayA Panel and a Cross-Generational Roundtable Discussion

In 2003, Peggy Fletcher Stack, in hernow famous article in The Salt LakeTribune (4 October 2003), asked�Where Have All the MormonFeminists Gone?� This question wasof great interest to a group ofMormon feminists who had noticedwhat seemed to be a generational dis-connect between us and the womenwho were writing and speaking aboutfeminism twenty-five years ago.Where were these women who hadworked so hard to empower us aquarter of a century ago? Had theirviews changed? How well did theirideas reflect the concerns of theiryounger counterparts? How do thetwo generations reconcile their faithand their feminism?

With these questions in mind, we setabout organizing a panel and round-table discussion, which took place onNovember 13, 2004. Sixteen Mormonfeminists from Southern Californiamet together at a common room onthe UC Irvine campus to open up aninter-generational dialogue aboutMormon women�s issues. Four panelists gave short personal presen-tations: Lael Littke, author, and LorieWinder Stromberg, Mormon feministactivist, represented the voices ofolder women who had lived throughthe era of ERA feminism. AmeliaParkin, UC Irvine graduate studentin English, and Jana Bouck Remy,UC Irvine graduate student in histo-ry, spoke as younger Mormon femi-nists. A roundtable discussion, inwhich audience members were invitedto raise questions and make com-ments, followed each panelist�s pre-sentation.

The following are excerpts from thefour panelists� presentations and theroundtable discussion, which we havegrouped into categories.

Lael Littke

I grew up on a farm in MinkCreek, Idaho. One of my dailytasks when school was out was totake the cows to a summer pas-ture. I herded them along, makingsure they all stayed together andthat none of them wandered off tofollow her own fancy and thenfunneled them all through thegate to the same destination.

I mention this because I used toponder life as I rode along on myhorse, and one day it occurred tome that, as a Mormon female, Iwas being herded along, too, tothe same �pasture� as all the otheryoung women I knew. That �pasture� was called �wife andmother.� It was obvious fromwhat we were taught that this wasthe only acceptable destination.

I had nothing against going there.I wanted to get married. I wantedchildren. But I wanted to visitother pastures first. I wanted tofind out what I could do withwhatever talents I had. I wantedto get an education.

The conventional wisdom comingdown from the pulpit, in my wardat least, was that women shouldseek an education but only tomake them better wives andmothers. As far as going off to see the world, that was danger-ous. Dark things were lurking outthere. As for fulfilling my destiny�developing my talents�thatwas selfish unless it contributed to my being a better wife andmother.

When I was a Beehive girl, oneMutual night our teacher askedthe six of us girls in the class what

we wanted to be when we grewup. The other five obediently said,�Wife and mother.� I said, �I wantto be a writer.�

Sister Anderson blinked. �Don�tyou want to be a wife and a mother?� she asked.

�Of course I do,� I said. �But Ialso want to be a writer.�

Many years later, when I wasengaged to be married, I remem-bered that Beehive teacher, and I wondered if I could really be agood wife and mother if I fol-lowed my own fancy like thoseold cows used to try to do. Whenmy fiancé George and I wenthome from Denver to meet eachother�s parents, I made anappointment with a formerInstitute teacher I had especiallyenjoyed. I spoke with him, layingmy dilemma out for him andtelling him how much I wanted to become a writer. He leanedback, steepled his hands, smiledbeatifically, and said, �Oh, Lael,when you hold your first baby in your arms, you'll forget all aboutthat stuff.�

Out of that remark, a feminist wasborn. I became a women�s advo-cate. I have never put down beinga wife and mother because Ibelieve that is where the greatwarm heart of womanhood is. Butfor many of us, there must bemore. Contrary to what thatInstitute teacher said, I did notforget all �that stuff� when I heldmy baby in my arms. I loved heras completely as any mother everloved a child, but I also knew thatI would continue to pursue a writ-ing career. And I would encour-age other women who had

Vol. 27, No. 3 13

dreams not to abandon them.

I spoke my mind for the twenty-two years that I taught ReliefSociety. Then I was released andasked to be a counselor in the YW.The bishop said he wanted methere specifically because I wasthe kind of woman I was.

I�ve learned to accom-modate. I've learnedto be a Mormon onmy own terms. I�velearned to love thepeople of theChurch�not only thewomen but also themen, especially thosewho are like my hus-band was�not theproblem but part ofthe solution.

I think things are bet-ter these days. At leastwomen are allowed topray in sacrament meetings!Young women are told to �beeverything that you can be.� Inher article (�Where Have All theMormon Feminists Gone?�),Peggy Stack quotes PresidentHinckley as saying, �. . . studyyour options. Pray to the Lordearnestly for direction. Then pur-sue your course with resolution.The whole gamut of humanendeavor is now open to women.�

I have always felt empowered,maybe because I took whateverpower I was given and �magni-fied my calling,� not always stay-ing within the prescribed bound-aries but never being shrill aboutit. A good friend told me I gotaway with it because I did it gently. Quietly.

I have had both a lovely familylife and also a career as a writer.Nobody gave me permission. Ijust did it.

Lorie Winder Stromberg

I�ve been a Mormon feministactivist for over thirty years. I date

my feminism from 1973, when Iwas invited by a BYU FamilyHome Evening sister to attend ameeting of the Utah ValleyChapter of the Women�s PoliticalCaucus. The discussion focusedon the Equal Rights Amendment,which had passed throughCongress in 1972 and was beingratified by the states. I was con-verted. However, it took me a fewyears to take my newfound femi-nist sensibilities from the secularto the religious arena.

When the Church came outagainst the ERA, I initially ques-tioned my commitment to thecontroversial amendment.However, after reexamining allthe arguments, I decided I couldnot in good conscience supportthe Church's position.

When the issue of power andinfluence arises, Mormon femi-nists are derisively accused ofbeing power hungry, as if want-ing power were necessarily a badthing. And it is, if it is only seenas coercive and controlling. ButI�ve spent too many years on thedefensive about this subject. It�s

time I took the offen-sive and owned theterm. Perhaps I ampower hungry . . .

If by power hungryyou mean I believewomen must have avoice in the Church,then, yes, I�m powerhungry.

If by power hungryyou mean I desire theability not only toaccept responsibilitiesin the institutional

Church but to be part of defining what thoseresponsibilities are, then, yes, I'mpower hungry.

If by power hungry you mean Ibelieve that women should notonly be represented but should bean integral part of every majordecision-making body of theChurch, then, yes, I�m power hungry.

If by power hungry you mean Iwould welcome a heightened abil-ity to bless the lives of others, thenyes, I�m power hungry.

Finally, if by power hungry youmean I want the ability to partici-pate in a model of power basedon partnership rather than patri-archy, based on empowerment

continued on page 14

Lael Littke laughs at a comment Lorie Stromberg makes.

14 Exponent II

Feminism and Mormon Women Today continued from page 13

rather than submission, then, yes, I�m power hungry. UCLAprofessor Scott Bartchy gave a presentation at a Sunstone sympo-sium in which he declared thatChrist came to overthrow tradi-tional models of power that werebased on domination, coercion,and control. In their place, heoffered a model of power inwhich power is only used toempower. Power used to coerce or dominate will always burnitself out, suggested Bartchy.Only power used to empower iseverlasting.

Just as by power I do not meandomination or coercion but rathervoice and influence and empow-erment, so by hungry I do notmean gluttony. I�m talking aboutsustenance. I'm talking about asoul-deep yearning for a life-sustaining, sacramental mealto which all are invited.

[For the full text of Lorie WinderStromberg�s remarks on women andpower in the LDS Church, see�Power Hungry,� Sunstone, No.135, December 2004, pp. 60-61.]

Amy Parkin

I have identifiedmyself as a fem-inist for almostten years. Myfeminism beganat BYU, where Ifound myselffrustrated withthe lacka-daisi-cal acceptanceof male andfemale roles.Men andwomen therewere equals.

And women did pursue educa-tion. But in my major�English�many of them were in my classesbecause English was a good,pleasant major�a nice thing for a cultured woman to do. Andreally, there was no need to prepare for a future.

I became frustrated with the rolethat had been assigned to women.Wife. Mother. Period. My primaryconcern when it comes toMormon feminism is the issue offemale identity formation, ofallowing female individuals theopportunity to become that whichthey will become, rather thanmerely that which they, by defini-tion, already are.

I am not a quiet feminist. I havetalked and written about theseideas a lot. So I was surprisedwhen I found myself a bit at a lossas to how to respond to PeggyFletcher Stack�s article. I don�thave a problem with the per-ceived power imbalance. In theworld of disappearing Mormonfeminists alluded to by Stack fem-inism is equated with protest.And I do not protest. I believe

protest to be coun-terproductive.Protest doesn�tspeak to theMormon masses. Itpushes them away.

My brand of femi-nism has to do withtaking very serious-ly some keyMormon doctrines.I believe JosephSmith when he saysin the King FollettDiscourse that �the

mind of man [and

woman!]�the intelligent part�isas immortal as, and is coequalwith, God Himself.� I believe thatJesus Christ is my exemplar and Iam to become everything that heis. Everything. Not just the nur-turing, gentle parts of what He is.I am also to be powerful. To learnto create life. To love perfectly. Tostand in passive but powerfulresistance to the inequalities andinjustices of this world. Because Ibelieve these things, I can�t simplybe a wife and mother. I will be awife and a mother and manythings beyond. Good things.Strong things.

But how does one become thesethings if there is a structure inplace that prevents that? I don�thave an easy answer to this prob-lem, but I believe that structuralchange will only come after indi-viduals change. Women must firstshow that they are intelligent andstrong as well as loving and gen-tle. Women must become all thatthey know they can become. Aswe are accepted as individuals,others will necessarily change.Policies will change. New oppor-tunities will open themselves.

Jana Bouck Remy

When I married at age twenty-oneand soon became pregnant, I wasin the final year of my studies as apre-med student. At that time, Ihit a wall and lost my desire topursue a career. I wanted to quitmy jobs and create a cozy nest formy soon-to-be-born child. I want-ed to greet my husband at thedoor each evening with a kiss; Iwanted to be nothing more than astay-at-home mom. This desirewas applauded on all sides by myfamily and my church friends.

Amy Parkin

Vol. 27, No. 3 15

Oddly enough, it was in thosefirst years of at-home-ness that Idiscovered Mormon feminism. Iread through my Mom�s oldissues of the Exponent II from the1970s and 80s. I logged on to theMormon Internet world andlearned that several Mormonwomen had been excommuni-cated for their writings. I readMormon Sisters, Mormon Enigma,and Mormon Women Speak.

It was after the birth of my secondchild that I began to feel dissatis-fied with being a stay-at-homemom. After serving in severalPrimary presidencies and spend-ing several wintermonths indoors withsmall children while myhusband pursued gradu-ate studies, I realizedthat more than anythingI wanted a secondchance at my academiccareer, and I didn�t wantto wait eighteen yearsuntil my kids weregrown to pursue mystudies. As I talked toother young mothers, Ilearned that few of themfelt entirely satisfiedwith a domestic role.Few felt that theChurch�s urging forwomen to �be in thehome� was fair. We talked aboutnineteenth century Mormonwomen who fought for suffrage;we started meeting in bookgroups, in writers� groups, inplaygroups�wherever we couldfind space to discuss our feelings.

In some ways our issues were different from those that we readabout from the 1970s and 80s. Ashistorian Jill Derr has said, young

Mormon women today �takeequality between men and womenon a personal and professionallevel as a given.� She says, �It�snot even a question . . . [Mormonwomen] expect to balance familyand career and presume theChurch�s approval.� We grew upin an era of greater social equalityfor men and women, and so weexpected the same in our lives.

I expect that my husband willchoose a job where he will beavailable to care for our childrenas needed. I expect that he cancook, clean, and nurture just aswell as I can. I expect him to

support methroughschool just asI have him. Iexpect to betreated as anequal bymen atchurch. Iexpect thatno one cantell me howto plan myfamily orhow to planmy career. Iexpect to fin-ish graduateschool andhave my kids

cheer me on as I get my diplo-ma�just as I will for them whenit�s their turn. I expect to work asa team with my husband as wemake choices for our family�sfuture together.

Just as I expect all of these things,I also expect to make meaningfulcontributions to each of the wardsI live in. Even if the Church isslow to make large-scale changes

for women, I expect that we cancreate networks of Mormon feminists within our own spheresto forge relationships with eachother that transcend ecclesiasticalor institutional organizations.

Roundtable Discussion:Women�s Issues Changing OverTime

Caroline: Sophia, as a feminist,how did you handle things duringthe time of the ERA?

Sophia: I lived here in SouthernCalifornia at the time. I had twoor three girlfriends who were ofmy opinion, so we just didn�t getinvolved in the debates. I remem-ber one woman who came to talkagainst it who said, �If the ERApasses, we�ll have unisex bath-rooms.� And I thought, �If that�sthe worst thing that will happen,will that really bother anybody?�We just distanced ourselves fromthe frenetic behavior around usand were looked at as weird.

Judy: There was a time when Ithought the Church just laggedtwenty-five years behind in termsof women�s roles, but now I seemore of a retreat. Do you reallythink that there will be anychange in women�s roles in theChurch?

Sophia: You young womenshould be able to answer thismuch better than we older ones. Don�t you see a change inwomen�s lives compared to what we experienced? The wholegamut of things to do is open towomen now, which really wasn�t the case when I was a child.

contineud on page 16

Jana Bouck Remy, holding upthe first Southern California

Exponent II issue.

16 Exponent II

Brooke: I was just in a YoungWomen�s presidency. I think what direction young women are pointed in all depends on individ-ual wards and leaders. I couldemphasize the part of the lessonthat says go out and get an educa-tion and have a career and youcan still be a mom but put lessemphasis on other parts of the lesson. I�m encouraged.

Sandra: I think there is aprogress. When I was in YoungWomen�s, all of the lessons wereabout being a righteous youngwoman, getting married in thetemple, and that was the end ofthe story. Then when I startedgoing to college, I heard, �Oh, it�sgood for women to get an educa-tion because that way you can bea better mother.� So it�s a progres-sion, but it�s still limited, held inplace by the culture of what menexpect from us and what we aswomen have come to expectbecause we learn these thingsfrom the men.

I remember going to a GeneralRelief Society Conference recentlyand being angry that the leaderswere talking about motherhoodand being a wife and that was thelimit. And I thought, �Why am Ihere? I don�t need to hear this.�Then Sheri Dew spoke aboutbeing a disciple of Christ. It wasso refreshing to hear that it didn�thave anything to do with being amother and wife. She just focusedon being a disciple and how thatdoesn�t depend on our relation-ship with others; it only dependson our relationship with God.

Sue: I�m delighted that so manyyounger women are here�thatwe have fresh faces going in a

fresh directionbecause obviouslywhat we did didn�twork.

Shannon: It didwork! I�m a convert to theChurch. I didn�t havementors or positiveinfluences in my ownfamily. But YoungWomen�s made me afeminist. My leadersweren�t career women�they weremoms�but they taught me that Icould do what I wanted. I foundmy experience at BYU to be radi-cally feminizing. I don�t feelsilenced at church. I feel silencedin other areas of my life, but forme it�s always been the Churchthat�s given me voice. I can�tabandon that. So there is a genera-tion like me that has foundempowerment.

Lorie: There appears to be a grow-ing gap between Church and soci-etal norms for women. Will theChurch eventually change, or willit become increasingly more con-servative by comparison?

Jana: I think it is becoming moreconservative, but over the pulpitthere�s an acknowledgement ofworking women and there�sabsolutely acknowledgment ofwomen who aren�t married. This acknowledgment constitutesan accommodation at an institu-tional level.

Roundtable Discussion: TheDisconnect

Judy: There is a real disconnectbetween my professional life andmy church life, so essentially what

I�ve done at church is disconnect.I don�t speak out anymore. I go tochurch and I take what I wantfrom it. But it�s also that discon-nect that�s made it okay. Thepeace between the two is that I nolonger feel that I can change thesituation in the Church.

Mary Ellen: It wasn�t until Iphysically and emotionally dis-connected myself recently that Ifound power within myself. Thiswas when Proposition 22 (Defenseof Marriage Act) was on the ballotin California. I got so sick of hear-ing about it at church that I wroteletters to leaders saying, �I don�tagree with this proposition. I�vecome to a different conclusionafter my own soul-searching, andyou are messing with my spiritualequilibrium by talking about itevery Sunday. I�m not going tochurch until after the election.� Ijust left it at that, and there wasno repercussion.

Roundtable Discussion: Maleand Female Roles

Judy: My husband and I are bothprofessors. It�s been a great com-bination for our kids. Since theywere born we�ve both had jobsand we have shared the responsi-bility for the kids. My husband

Feminism and Mormon Women today continued from page 15

Vol. 27, No. 3 17

took my baby daughter or son todepartment meetings, or some-times I did. To them, it is perfectlynormal that they have as muchassociation with their dad as withme. He really knows everythingabout our kids. Sharing this nur-turing role really works for us. Ithink it�s a fabulous model for our kids.

Lorie: What happens when theyhear conflicting stuff at church?

Judy: That�s part of what we�retrying to figure out. I thoughtPrimary was the safe place to be,but recently a leader got up andsaid, �What do mothers do? Whatdo fathers do?� and I thought,�Oh, no, Primary isn�t even a verysafe place to be.�

What I see in my own life is thedifference between the principleand prescription. I see the Churchleaning more and more towardsprescription. So I would ask,�Don�t you feel that in your choices you are following theprinciple that the family comesfirst?� I�m not doing it as theChurch prescribes, but in our family, the family definitelycomes first. I think that that�s areally important distinction.

Jana: I�ve received some criticismas a result of my decision to go toschool full time, but my husbandhas received much, much more.The reason for this is that we left asuburban ward and moved to anapartment on campus so I couldgo to school. My husband took apay cut by getting a job on cam-pus with flexible hours so hecould be home more with the chil-dren. Everyone said to him, �Whywould you move down the

ladder?��the assumption beingthat the husband is going to keepmoving up his career path, and ifthe wife wants to do something,like go to school, she has to moldher life to his. Yet, looking at theProclamation on the family oranything that prophets have said,to have two parents in the homeon a regular basis is far superiorin every way to having an absentfather and a nurturing mother.

Judy: But the men can stand up atthe pulpit and say, �I have donenothing in parenting my children;my wife deserves all the credit�and they�re applauded for doingso. If a woman stood up and said,�I�ve done nothing for my chil-dren; it�s my husband whodeserves all the credit for whatthey are . . .�

Shannon: It�s important toremember, though, that it�s notthe fault of the Church that it isdifficult when both parents work.It�s the way that American societyis set up that makes it hard for usto have those choices. It�s beenthis way for so long that change isdifficult. This problem reallydoesn�t have anything to do withthe Church.

Judy: Whatever women choose inequal partnership with their hus-bands is fine. I think the problemis when women don�t have achoice or they choose a role forcertain reasons and then they�recriticized.

Jana: The Church reinforces themodel of separate spheres for menand women. And if the highermodel is parents� working togeth-er, then why is that not at leastbeing encouraged at any level?

Hilda: When my husband comesback from Priesthood meeting, healways says they tell the men thatthey have to let their wives go outand seek education or whatever.So I think it�s happening.

Mary Ellen: It�s in men�s intereststo support women and what wewant to do and for us to attain ourpotential. And some of them don�tget that. It�s an educationalprocess. But think how muchmore it would enrich your familyif you were able to learn and grow as your own person. That�sgood for you, for him, and foryour kids.

Trista: If a woman wants to dosomething outside the home,there is often a sense of judgmentfrom other women. I think thatthe greatest impetus that we canhave for change is the support ofother women. A destructive forceenters in when women choose tojudge each other vis à vis whetherthey�re not feminist enough or toofeminist. This judgmental attitudeis defeatist to the women�s move-ment, to us, and to any sort ofspiritual growth. �

18 Exponent II

Rosalynde Frandsen Welch

I remember an afternoon, lit frombelow by the barren whiteness ofa lake bed, my mother and threesisters around me, the shiftingpatterns of our pace, conversation.A certain pressure is generated bythe gathering of one�s belovedfemales, a surface tension thatbinds women together as if withthe threads of our collective stories, protecting and confining. I do not remember that after-noon�s shared conversation, however; it was my mother, years later, who furnished mymemory with words.

We must have been talkingabout what we girls wanted to bewhen we grew up. By that sum-mer, I already had dreams ofBoston and graduate school andtenure; Gabrielle planned to be ateacher, I believe; and Naomi awriter. Rachel was still too smallto have seriously considered theissue. But maybe that wasn�t theconversation at all; maybe wehad been retelling my mother�sstory�how she�d graduatedfrom BYU with honors and thenstored her degree besideunopened wedding presents andgone to work at the telephonecompany to support my father inlaw school.

My mother recounts my contri-bution to the conversation. �It just seems like such a waste,� Isaid. My mother asked me what I meant.

I would have walked faster,becoming passionate, kicking atthe coarse, glittering sand beneathmy feet. �It�s not worth it. You goto college, you�re smart and work

hard, graduate, have all thesegreat plans�just to give it all upto raise daughters who go to college, they�re smart and work,they graduate and make greatplans so that they can . . . what?Have babies too. It�s a waste. Whygo to college at all? Or else whyraise daughters to do the samething? What�s the point?�

The questions were laced with asarcasm even eleven-year-oldNaomi could taste. I don�t think Ihad worked the sentences over in

my head before that afternoon,but they poured out quickly, as ifI had.

My mother has never told mehow she answered. I think I canremember, though. And I�m sorrythat my fifteen-year-old self wastoo blind to see that she was cry-ing�or too heartless to care.

A moment comes in every youngwoman�s life when she begins tounderstand the paradox of female

economy. We�re trained in thebracing ethic of frugality: we saveand make do; we clip coupons,mend clothing, launder diapers;we reuse decorations from Enrich-ment Night for Standards Night.We are not extravagant; we do notwaste. And yet our prodigalmonthly blood flaunts nature�sown extravagant waste. Twenty-eight days of costly preparation,twenty-eight days of meticulousalchemy, elements distilled fromour own bodily springs�flushedout in a flagrant issue of blood.

Outrageously profligate, our bod-ies recycle nothing, reuse nothing,reabsorb nothing, month aftermonth, year after year. It seemssenseless; what�s the point?

It is tempting to see women�s livesas so much somatic plagiarism; itis poetic to claim that from thebody�s unthrifty text we must takethe stories of our lives. Earlywe�re taught to prepare our mindswith the same meticulous carethat monthly prepares our

Red Moon and Metaphor

Vol. 27, No. 3 19

wombs�the dreams and plans,the acts of imagination and effortthat infuse the mind are no lessprecious than the red blood thatinfuses the womb. But we�re alsotaught to release our plans withthe same exorbitant disregard forcost modeled in the abundance ofour monthly flow of blood.

Our stories come in a thousanddifferent shapes, but if they arestolen from our bodies� loss theywill all bear the same tidings. I�dheard the news hundreds of timesby my sixteenth year when Iwalked with my mother and sisters across the asphalt by thatdry lake. �You�re a daughter ofGod destined to stand tall. You�reequal to all and inferior to none inthe eyes of your Father, who is aKing. So be equal to your birth-right; educate your mind, developyour talents, realize your individ-ual potentials, find creative andimportant ways to serve, cultivatedreams and preparations andplans.� This was the first page ofthe story, and it was read to me�and I learned it by heart�withoutcynicism or caveat or compro-mise. When I�m asked now toattribute any accomplishments, Ifull-heartedly credit the Churchand my parents for giving me theimplements that underlie anyachievement.

But a second page of the storyalways followed, though notalways immediately. �You are adaughter of God destined tobecome a wife and perhaps amother. You�re still equal to alland inferior to none in the eyes ofyour Father, but now yourbirthright requires something different of you. Now you arerequired to let go of your dreams

and preparations and plans(unless you�re one of the luckyones who�s only dreamed of being a wife). You are required to leave it all behind you andpress forward without lookingback (remember Lot�s wife).Moreover, you must do it cheer-fully and gratefully withoutcounting the cost.�

At fifteen, I knew both pages ofthe story well enough to grasp itsimplication; when I was nineteen,I determined that I could changeit, at least for myself. A sopho-more at BYU and at my most mili-tantly idealistic, I�d gone to theannual women�s broadcast in theMarriott Center one Saturdayevening in the autumn of 1993. Iremember the evening well. I was seated near the floor besidemy roommate, both of us listeningclosely to the speaker, an articu-late woman and a dynamic speaker and, to my great delight,a law school graduate. She spokeabout the importance of educationfor women, the fulfillment shehad found in her profession, andthe importance of not judgingwomen who choose or are com-pelled to work outside the home.As I watched the dark-haired fig-ure at the podium before me, I feltthat I had encountered, for thefirst time in my life, words fromthe pulpit on this topic withwhich I could fully and legiti-mately identify. Into her experi-ence I projected my own plans: amission, graduate school inBoston, a career as a professor ofliterature bridging the gapbetween my communities of faithand reason.

I whispered to my roommate,�Isn�t she great?�

�Shhh. Listen.� My roommatedidn�t whisper during meetings.

I looked back up at the oversizedscreen on which the image of thespeaker was projected and real-ized that the narrative hadchanged direction. The speakerwas explaining her resolution tomarry and have a child later inlife and her consequent choice toabandon a successful law career inmid-stride. She spoke of her joy inmotherhood, which I did notdoubt, and her wholehearted,seemingly effortless decision toleave behind her other life. Herplans, I thought, her achievement,all her preparation and hardwork. Was it all for nothing?Could it be she�s telling me that,in the end, none of it will go any-where? Is she telling me to culti-vate my dreams now simply toabandon them later?

A nineteen-year-old dreams andmourns ardently, and I felt gen-uinely devastated�first withwhat I felt was a blunt betrayaland then with the energy of grief.I had been wounded, I felt, and Iwas not ready to let my woundsbe salved. This will not be mystory, I told myself. This will notbe the story I tell myself, mydaughters, my MIA Maids. I willrevise, rewrite. I will not permitmy life to plagiarize my biology,no matter how much poetry in thesymbolism.

There is a lovely temporal relapsein the body�s twenty-eight dayseason, and I find similar respitesin this story: the summer I am fifteen, the autumn I am nine-teen, and then the winter I amtwenty-three.

continued on page 21

20 Exponent II

TransformationsSusan Layton Freitas

I get out of the car, turn around,and push the big door shut.Daddy drives off. My big sisterhas already bounded up the stepsand into the chapel. Cripplinglyshy, incredibly uncomfortable insocial situations, I�m just gratefulthat I know that I�m supposed tosit with my Sunday School class. Islip into the pew as a safe havenand try to make myself invisible.

The safe haven�s over, though,when I get to class. Brother Love.What an ironic name for an abra-sive, demanding personality. Henever asks, just tells, and puts uson the spot with his questions. Inever know the answers, probablybecause I�m so preoccupied withhow uncomfortable I feel. Theworst is when he assigns talks.�You will give the two and a halfminute talk two weeks fromnow.� Abject terror. Me, in frontof a whole chapel full of people,opening my mouth? Not likely!On those occasions I pull out theultimate weapon and fake illnessto my mother, who, miraculously,lets me stay home.

�Why do I have to go to churchwhen you and Daddy don�t?�

�Because children need to learnabout religion. We had to gowhen we were your age. Whenyou�re grown up, if you don�twant to go anymore, you don�thave to.�

Ah! Salvation! Can�t wait for theday!

MIA. I go sometimes but mostlynot. Probably three people in theward know who I am, and one is

the beautiful MIA Maid teacherwho picks me up and then takesme home, which is nowhere nearher house. On the way she tellsme about her conversion and howmuch she values her temple marriage over the earlier churchceremony she had. Though Iwon�t be taking her advice, I learnto be grateful that she caredenough to tell me.

Another person who knows me isthe MIA secretary, who diligentlycomes to my house now and thento ask me to attend. I always tellher, �I�ll try,� knowing full wellthat I�m not going to go. Yearslater, I have a good laugh when Ihear the same words from ayoung woman I�mhoping to activate.

College. At long last,I�m grown up. I don�thave to go to church anymore. I don�thave a car, and onlynow and then doessomeone offer to takeme. Hallelujah. Butthere�s a hitch. Darn.Through the haze of my growingup years, something�s gottenthrough. Now I know it�s true. Ican�t just walk away.

Marriage. I realize I�ve chosen themale equivalent of my high schoolfriends. He�s not LDS, but he pretty much lives the way we do.I�ve loved having a few churchfriends, but I never feel as if I fitin with them. They know stuff Idon�t know. With one foot in theChurch and the other in theworld, my best friends are alwaysnon-Mormon non-smokers/non-drinkers.

Motherhood. My first baby hasjust been born, a new stake hasjust been formed, and I�m calledto what? The Stake Relief SocietyBoard? What a hilarious idea!That�s for old ladies. I�ve nevereven been to Relief Society. Itmeets days, and I�ve been teach-ing school. I call my sister and welaugh and laugh.

Who knew they were such anincredible group of women�thatthey truly follow the Savior. Theygive and give, taking care ofeveryone else. So lovely, loving,and kind. My mentors, my rolemodels, my friends. I don�t wantto let them down. I want to learnto be like them. I�ve never met

people for whom Ihave more admi-ration and respect.We go to ReliefSociety Confer-ence together, andI sit in a tabernaclefilled with LDSwomen and feelsuch a part ofsomething good,important, and

satisfying. It feels wonderful. Ibelong. I fit in. I�m becomingsomething better.

Relief Society is where I feel theSpirit the most. I feel loved. I learnto give talks without terror, feellike I can contribute something,get emotional and spiritual sup-port and great ideas. I make true,fast friends.

My non-member husband joinsthe Church. Now he�s in a bish-opric, now in a stake presidency.I�m having a General Authority tolunch. Good grief, I�m part of theestablishment. Who, me? The

Vol. 27, No. 3 21

bishop�s wife? That can�t be me.It�s always been someone else. Itall seems so strange.

Christ�s big tent welcomes allwho�ll come. Step by step weforge ahead, helping each other.Join the happy throng. �

Susan is a wife, mother of three sonsand two daughters, and grandmotherof four living in Newport Beach,California. She enjoys reading, writ-ing, teaching adults, traveling, andtime with family members andfriends. She can be reached atsusan@freitas.org.

revelation from above. WheneverI have questions about doctrine, it�s comforting to be remindedthat there are answers eventhough we may not have themyet. However, as much as Ibelieve that members of theChurch have to be patient and at times put some of our doctrinalquestions on the �back burner,�so to speak, I also believe that it iseasy for us to become complacent about the doctrine we do have.Complacency indicates that we donot desire to learn more or eventhat we reject discussion of revela-tion we already have. The Lord has made it clear that a desire for

more understanding is a prerequi-site for more revelation. If wedesire to understand the doctrinesin the Proclamation on the familyin greater depth, it is possible thatour earnest seeking and prayerwill lead to greater revelation. �

Lori is a native Oregonian who wassurprised to find that she loves livingin Southern California. She teachesAmerican Literature and Writing atCalifornia State University, LongBeach, and the gospel doctrine classin her ward.

Proclamation on the Family continued from page 7

It is Monday. It is early March. Istand at my kitchen window facing the veiled monochromemountain to the east. The clouds,heavy and threatening, managetemporary restraint; it is my eyesthat overflow. I have recentlyreturned from San Diego engagedto be married, and I am unnatu-rally aware of the band on my lefthand. After three days, it still feelsunfamiliar on my finger.

I stand with two white envelopesbefore me on the kitchen counter,each torn open hastily. I can�t help feeling that it is myself on thecounter in front of me, straddlingtwo white roads to the future�two white envelopes reflectingtwenty-three years of preparationand planning. I cannot give theenvelopes to another woman�notto my daughter, not to my friend.They will be wasted, the lifebloodof my dreams until now�yes, themetaphor is careless�like my redblood is wasted every month. I

sense that I am over-dramatizingthe situation, but I cannot helpmourning my loss.

One envelope is postmarked SanDiego: We�re sorry but you havenot been admitted to our graduateprogram. The other envelope ispostmarked from Boston: We arepleased to offer you admissionand a five-year fellowship. Mystory has been written in spite ofmyself, it seems.

Postscript

I am less inclined now than I wasthat March morning seven yearsago to read my story as menstrualmetaphor. The sacrifice turned outto be slighter than I had expected.For one thing; I was admitted tograduate school in San Diego thenext year and completed my PhDwhen my second child was tenmonths old.

I am less susceptible now to the

charms of metaphor, particularlymetaphor that comes perilouslyclose to naturalizing women�ssocial possibilities in biology.However, the choices and storiesthat faced me at fifteen, at nine-teen, and at twenty-three are substantially the same as thosethat will face my eleven-year-oldsister; indeed, my daughter�schoices will probably resemblemine more closely than mineresembled my mother�s. And inthis way, in the intractable andinconclusive questions of personalcost and social benefit, our storiesbring us together as surely as ourbodies bleed. �

Rosalynde lives in Webster Groves,Missouri, with her husband John andher children Elena, three, and Jack,one. Most days she mothers, reads,writes, sings, and runs.

Red Moon and Metaphor continued from page 19

22 Exponent II

Catherine Vaughan

When I was in elementary school,there was a week when my momhad to brush another woman�steeth. She explained to me thatmy best friend�s mom was toosore from her recent surgery to do it on her own. Eachafternoon I would playwith my friend at herhouse while my momput a casserole in theoven, tidied up, andlooked for other helpfulthings she could do. Myfriend�s mom was toosore to give hugs, butyou could see the grati-tude in her eyes. Ilearned an importantlesson that week: noth-ing beats a sincere friendafter you�ve gotten yourbreast implants.

As far as I know, noneof my mom�s otherfriends were doing thissort of thing. I found itbizarre, but not muchmore bizarre than otherthings adults did, likemaking their beds orgoing to all the sessionsof General Conference.

Fast-forward to lastyear. I�ve moved fromWashington state to Utah, toIndiana, and finally to SouthernCalifornia. I�ve settled into myown adult life, which revolvesaround constantly trying to dis-tract a two-year-old from sharpobjects and electrical outlets.(Don�t you want to listen to classi-cal music and read this sciencebook instead, honey?)

My husband is working late, andI�ve just put my son to bed. I grabmy bonbons and head for thecouch in time to catch the openingcredits for a new series called TheSwan. This is the show where eachweek two lucky women are surgi-cally transformed from ugly duck-lings into beautiful swans.

As a feminist, I am disgusted. Asan exhausted, brain-dead mother,I am fascinated.

The surgeons explain why eachpatient will be almost impossibleto salvage. This one will need chinimplants, cheek implants, a newnose, and lipo all over, and that�sjust for starters. The other willneed her forehead raised, her

underarms tucked, and herkneecaps reconfigured amongother drastic changes. At the endof the show, the women will bejudged on how well they cleanedup. The winner goes on to thefinal �beauty� pageant at the endof the series. The loser drags hercrushed ego back home.

My temperature is ris-ing, but I�m unable toturn the channel. Is polit-ical correctness reallythis dead? Why aren�tthey pushing the mes-sage that a woman�s selfworth should come froman inner understandingof her status as a daugh-ter of God? Clearly thisprogram is a tool of theplastic surgery industry,which is clearly a tool ofSatan�trying to keepwomen from realizingtheir inherent divineworth.

I�m still worked upabout the show the nextday when I�m talking tomy neighbor in thecourtyard between ourapartments. We arewatching our sons chaseeach other with toyshopping carts and flingbaby dolls at each other.

I�m so proud. Surely they�ll neverbuy into the gender stereotypingthat leads to voluntary surgicalmutilation of women.

�I will never, ever understandhow anyone could pay all thatmoney just to make their boobsbigger or their nose smaller,� Ishudder. �It�s major surgery. Youcould die from it. And after the

No Swans Allowed

Vol. 27, No. 3 23

surgery, you spend weeks allpuffed up and sore from it all.�My flat-stomached, busty, beauti-ful, mother-of-four neighborlaughs at me. �The recovery is alot quicker than it used to be,� shereplies. �I was only sore for a cou-ple of days, and it�s getting to be alot cheaper.�

�Pardon?�

�People do it all the time,� shecontinues. �Practically a third ofthe ward has had somethingdone, and the other two thirds aremen and kids. Haven�t younoticed Dana, Tiffany, and thatlady who wears all the hats andmakes weird comments aboutCatholics?�

A lot of things suddenly makesense to me. I had always foundit strange that the women I�dmet at church revealed their ageto be ten years older than what Iwould have guessed. And thereare an unusually high number ofwomen in the ward who I�d con-sidered �genetically blessed.� I�dpreviously assumed they wereall thin because they were moti-vated to exercise in theCalifornia sun.

But now I know the truth. I amsurrounded by vain women withlow self-esteem.

The subject of plastic surgerycomes up in daily conversation for about a month after the bigrevelation from my neighbor. My informal poll of everyone Italk to reveals that plastic surgeryisn�t considered vile anymore byanyone but me and, surprisingly,my mom. One friend, whowouldn�t dream of allowing

Barbie dolls in her house becauseof the body image issues theycould create, looks forward totreating herself to new breasts in afew years.

Another friend confides that itwas either new breasts for her or aboat for the family. The breastswon out since those last longer.She also got a nipple lift�I�m stillgagging over the concept.

One of my sisters admits thatwhen she gets together with hergirlfriends, they fantasize aboutwhen they�ll get their plasticsurgery done. She�s a size zero.She had a flat tummy five daysafter her son was born. Five daysafter my son was born, I couldfinally fit into her full-size mater-nity clothes.

�I feel like a boy ever since Istopped nursing,� she confides tome over the phone. �I wouldn�tgo too big, but I think I deserve aB or maybe a C.�

All my energy goes toward fight-ing the urge to tell her how nuts Ithink the whole thing is. Howcould she even consider spendingthousands of dollars to undergo a

surgery she doesn�t even need tofix something that isn�t even broken? This is the same womanwho goes pale when you mentionhaving blood drawn, who nearlyrefused an epidural because of the needles.

With so many otherwise reason-able people accepting, evenembracing, plastic surgery, I�vebeen forced to do some real soulsearching. Maybe there�s some-thing I haven�t considered, someunexamined prejudice that blursmy understanding.

I confront my bias. Is it fair tobelieve that the plastic surgeryindustry promotes unrealisticideals of so-called beauty at theexpense of women�s physical andemotional health? Is it fair to

believe that women send an uglymessage to future generations byputting their bodies at risk inorder to achieve the look of apin-up model? Is it fair to believethat plastic surgery TV showsexploit vulnerable women byobjectifying their insecurities,turning them into light entertain-ment for a mass audience thatgrows dumber by the day?

Yes.

Yes, but . . . if I�m really honestwith myself, I have to admit that

I�ve done a few things to makemyself look a bit moreHollywood-ish. I never pluck myeyebrows, but I do shave my legsabout twice a year. Sometimes Iwear makeup. I had braces for seventeen months when I was inmiddle school. My favorite jeans aren�t comfortable, but they makemy butt look smaller. I do work

continued on page 24

. . . [S]omewhereinside this uglyduckling is aswan waiting tobe set free.

outs I find in magazines thatpromise to zap my flab for fababs. I�ve been on the SuzanneSommers diet. Aw crud, I�msuperficial.

Is it fair to believe that my vanityand body image issues are lessextreme because my method fordealing with them is less extreme?

No, probably not.

Then why is it that plas-tic surgery is so funda-mentally appalling to me?

�Cleavage� is not a wordthat anyone would usewhen talking about me. Iused to be an A until Ihad a baby. When I wasnursing, I was promotedto a B, but when I stopped afterseventeen months, my breastswere so tired that they retreatedinto my body for an extendedhibernation period. There is nolonger a letter to describe me. Oneof the first things my mother saidwhen she saw me after weaningwas, �Hey, where�d they go?�

Being small-chested was more ofan issue for me when I was ateenager, desperately interested inattracting attention from the slow-er-to-develop gender. In highschool, I bought two padded brasthat quickly got lumpy in thedryer and made me look like Ihad marshmallows stuffed downmy shirt. I never tried actualmarshmallows, but only becauseit didn�t occur to me at the time.It wasn�t until I was in college andtook up running that I realizedwhat a blessing a small chestcould be. No backaches, no

bouncing around, and no double-bra wearing. When I�m not exer-cising, I don�t even need to wear abra if I don�t feel like it.

Until this whole plastic surgerything came up, I hardly thoughtabout my breasts at all. Maybethat�s what irks me so much aboutthe idea. It�s not just the feministin me getting riled up for the

future of society, but it�s also mydefense to a perceived attack onmy own appearance. I�m afraidthat there are people who can�thelp but think it�s a shame howgenetics mistreated me. That Icould look so much better if Iwould just get over my self-right-eous aversion to surgical interven-tion. That somewhere inside thisugly duckling there�s a swan wait-ing to be set free.

I am not a bird.

I�m as likely to sprout boobs as Iam to sprout wings.

In my more rational moments, Irealize that the people I want tohave as friends either don�t thinkabout me like that or are smartenough to keep their opinions tothemselves. If we can�t help beingjudgmental, at least we can keepour judgments from interfering

with our friendship. That�s not toomuch to ask.

Maybe these women I love dothink of their new bodies aswings. Maybe their new bodieshelp them experience the world ina way that is more fulfilling tothem. Maybe their decisions toalter their looks have nothing todo with me.

I feel good about mychoices, and my friendsfeel good about theirs.There will probablyalways be a part of methat believes they wouldbe happier if theythought more like me,and there must be a partof them that thinks it�ssad that I don�t want tolook my best. Really, this

is just one of millions of differ-ences between us, most of whichnobody cares about. Besides, if allmy friends were exactly like me,I�d get sick of them pretty quickly.

In the end, I think that my momhad the right approach. The nexttime any of my friends go in forsome nipping or tucking, I�ll bewaiting with a toothbrush. �

Catherine watches bad reality TVfrom her home in Redondo Beach,California, with her husband and son.She still has all her original bodyparts but has been known to dye herhair flaming orange and wear controltop pantyhose.

24 Exponent II

No Swans Allowed continued from page 23

Maybe their new bodieshelp them experience theworld in a way that ismore fulfilling to them.

Vol. 27, No. 3 25

Interview with Lael Littke continued from page 5

considered to be the first Mormon novel, when I was fourteen. SinceAnderson attempts to encompass the whole gospel plan in his book,I found it compelling. The GiantJoshua taught me a whole lotabout creating conflict and tensionin a novel. I was also inspired andinfluenced by two collections ofshort stories by Donald R.Marshall � The Rummage Saleand Frost in the Orchard. I�d alsolike to mention a novel titled TheBroken Covenant, by CarrollHofeling Morris. It starts out withan LDS woman committing agrievous sin, and then goes on toexplore what happens to her andher family as a result of it anddeals with how she puts thingsback together again.

What non-Mormon authors doyou admire? Which have influ-enced your writing?

First of all, I have to mention myLunch Bunch colleagues withwhom I�ve met together twice aweek for over thirty years. Allsuccessful authors, they have mygreat admiration and have allinfluenced my writing throughtheir sage criticisms. (Eve Bunting,one of the group, has over 250titles.) We were all taught writingby Helen Hinckley Jones, a finewriter and the world�s best writ-ing teacher. (She was LDS.) Theauthor who has probably mostinfluenced my style was BettySmith, author of A Tree Grows inBrooklyn, which I read when I wasfourteen and which I re-readevery few years. I was captivatedby her writing, and my first shortstories were attempts to copy herway of writing. Later, I developedmy own style.

Tell us about your writinghabits.

Oh, mercy me. My writing habits.Some days I clean out my refriger-ator to postpone going to the com-puter. Some days I�m glued to mychair for six or seven hours at astretch when I get caught up in aplot. I try to maintain a scheduleof at least three hours a dayMonday through Thursday, andthen take the weekend off.

What role have female friend-ships played in your life? Canyou tell us about a time in whichyour friends or sisters in yourward influenced/impacted yousignificantly?

My female relationships growmore important every year, notonly those within the Church butalso my non-member friends andwriting colleagues. As for howthey�ve influenced me, I have tocite my girlhood friend ArthellaMoosman Basinger, with whom Ishared an intense desire to see theoutside world; my career girlroommate Dorothy Stuart Hall,who was (and is) an outstandingcook; my long-time friend MaryEllen MacArthur, a former highschool English teacher and depart-ment head, who sets a high intel-lectual standard that I�m alwaysstruggling to measure up to; andGeni Williams, my long-timefriend and visiting teachee, whohas taught me a whole lot of psychology from her experienceas a nurse, as well as from life ingeneral. She was the one whoheld me together when my husband died.

What changes in the Church withregards to women have struck

you as most important in the lastforty years?

I assume you mean in the Churchitself rather than in the women,who when they weren�t given avoice simply created one forthemselves in Exponent II. In theChurch, a major change was whenwomen were allowed to pray inSacrament Meeting. I found thatsignificant on many levels. Anoth-er major change has been the cor-relation arm of the Church, whichhas had both positive and nega-tive ramifications. I wasn�t happy,for instance, when the ReliefSociety lost its autonomy�and itsvoice, The Relief Society Magazine,which is where I first sold a story.I understand why the changes arenecessary, but I still mourn whatwas lost. But the pluses include atruly international church. Thechurch I knew as a child wasprovincial and clannish. Now wefind it reaching out all over theworld and becoming a majorinfluence for good everywhere.

In what direction would you liketo see the Church go with regardsto women?

I would like to see women givingmore conference talks and beingquoted in manuals more so thatour beautiful young girls willknow that women, too, haveimportant things to say. I thinkthe Church will face a major chal-lenge in keeping the youngwomen in the fold if the profile ofwomen is not raised.

Tell us about the project you areworking on right now.

I�m working on three novels at continued on page 29

26 Exponent II

Then and Now: Erna WongIn the Summer 1979 issue ofExponent II, the first-everSouthern California issue, ErnaWong was a young Mormon third-year medical student at USC.Erna, then pregnant with her firstchild, was asked about her choice ofprofession and her hopes for bal-ancing family with her chosencareer path. She said, �I will meetthe problem of combining a familyand a medical career as it comes.�Now a mother of a large family anda practicing physician, Erna tellsus a little bit about how she�s con-tinued to balance her life as herfamily has grown.

What led you to pursue a careeras a physician?

I had a strong interest in biologyat a very young age. I was verycurious about how living thingswork. My ninth grade biologyteacher was very inspiring, and Iexcelled in the sciences. It was ona trip back to my country of birth,Taiwan, when I was thirteen that Idecided I wanted to be a doctorand help my people. It was sad tosee my mother's aunt dying ofliver cancer in only a cot in asmall two by three yard hospitalroom. The medical staff gave hernothing for her pain; we couldonly offer her a bottle of Excedrinwe had brought with us from theU.S. We sent some more after wereturned home. I believe she livedfour more months after we left.The medical level there was farbelow ours at that time.

Do you ever feel conflictbetween your role as a motherand your career as a doctor?

I have occasionally had secondthoughts about being a physician

because of the fear that I amneglecting my own children'sneeds and well-being. Also, theprophet and general authoritiesrepeat often that a woman�s placeis in the home and that no greaterwork is done than in the walls ofour home.

No one ever directly made me feelI had made the wrong choice towork outside of the home. On thecontrary, I always heard words ofadmiration and amazement fromChurch members. My sense ofguilt or doubts about what I wasdoing would come up when Iwould hear the prophet's counsel.

However, I have many times hadconfirmed in my heart the ideathat each of is unique and that therelationship I have with my hus-band and the way we haveworked out our roles has allowedus to provide care from both parents. I have seen familieswhere the father is rarely homebecause he�s busy working to provide for the family. My children have always had theattention of both parents�not tomention that they are my best

friends since I don�t reallyhave any social life outside ofthe Church. My life doesn�tinvolve television or other dis-tractions that do not includemy family. Where there�s aconflict between the childrenand work, I have most everytime resolved it in favor of myfamily. My children have hadto learn to help a lot and beself-sufficient. All my children,including my oldest daughterand her husband, live in ourhome.

What advice would you giveto an LDS woman considering acareer as a physician?

I would advise a young woman tomake sure she�s choosing a careerin medicine because she reallyloves the challenge of helping oth-ers. It can be draining to be con-stantly giving at work and thenturn right around and continue togive to a family clamoring for herservice and attention. She needs tohave a strong sense of balance toprovide herself support and care.

I went to medical school at USCand then did my training in pedi-atrics at Kaiser at Los Angeles.The fact that my path was madevery easy is a testimony to methat the Lord intended for me topursue this career. In addition, mypatriarchal blessing states that Ishould not fear to give advicebecause many would seek it from me.

How have your children adaptedto your dual roles of mother anddoctor?

I have had ten pregnancies, one of continued on page 29

Interview

Vol. 27, No. 3 27

The Fidgeting Ghazal

That�s me sitting with head bowed,my hands in my lap, crisp shirt and skirt.

Still and reverent, but not quite still.Very, very reverent.

Third pew on the left, rightbehind the Sorenson�s grandsons.

The Holy Spirit speaker on her third mainpoint, I make an asterisk next to

the word in my head: longsuffering.My fingers, not long (my hands are tiny),

But suffer from my habit of absently concentratingon cuticle, hangnail, dry fraying callus, while I listen.

Intensity in listening heightens the picking level,but it almost never comes to biting.

Brooke Williams

Resurrected Thin

This is newbecause I made it up:Faith without fat is merely thin.

This is how we�ll lose those extra inches.We simply won�t talk about it.We�ll just believe.

And later on we�ll slap our thighsand wiggle our arms.

As if we didn�t know.

As if we loved us �just the way we are�with seemingly masking-taped chestsand free handles for love.

Independently heaviertogether, flailing andquietly fishing for the reassurance

that really we have the upper swollen footof a lack of faith in thin.

Although our mirrors stay skinny,our shoes ever-slender.

B. Jean WilliamsSome News About the Soul

Poetry

In my solitude I speak to the other side of myself: quiet lark of heavy wings, oh, supple remorse.

If you sit still enough the birds of your body will settle on one dark branch and rest in chords of ceremony.

The fluttering behind our shoulders throwing light as from dusty lanterns we mistake for birds.

The mackintosh tree my father pruned last April has now two branches that extend toward the sparrows like arms.

Sunni Brown

28 Exponent II

Amy Hoyt

Being Mormon, married, andkeeping your own last name presents particular challenges.When Kevin and I decided to getmarried, we began negotiations:where to get married, where tolive, how many children we wanted, and so on. Among thedebated issues was whether Iwould hyphenate our two lastnames or take his name. I reluc-tantly agreed to hyphenate. I hadevery intention of actually doingit, but when it came time to signthe paperwork, I couldn�t. I feltsuch a sense of identity loss that Icouldn�t bring myself to do it. Iwas afraid that by changing myname I would somehow be lostwithin the marriage.

Understandably, Kevin was disappointed and hurt. He feltthat somehow my attitude was a

reflection on how I felt about himand his extended family. Over the past several years, I have triedto reassure him that my individu-ality, and not his family, are at theheart of my decision. Technically,we are still in negotiations overthis issue, and I suspect they willlast many more years as weattempt to forge a marital relation-ship that is representative of bothof our expectations.

Because the issue is still muddledfor Kevin and me, it is not surpris-ing that it is even more so formembers of our ward. Althoughthey are kind and warm to ourfamily, I�m sure that we are a puz-zle to them. If there are judgmentsor criticisms, I am unaware ofthem, for which I am grateful. Ifanything, there is confusion. Theydon�t know where to put me inthe ward directory, they aren�tsure what to call me, and they

aren�t sure what tocall my husband.Last month inSunday school,Kevin and I wereasked to give theopening and closingprayers. The teacher,who is new to theward, asked us ournames. �Amy Hoytand Kevin Dearing,�we each replied.When she startedclass, she mentionedthat the �Hoyt-Dearings� would begiving the prayers.At the end of classshe called on�Brother Hoyt.�Sometimes when weintroduce ourselvesat church, it�s easier

simply to say our first names.

We have lived in four wards sincewe�ve been married. Twice, uponmoving in, the ward clerk haschanged my church records toreflect Kevin�s last name, assum-ing it was an oversight by the lastward clerk. I know it is inadver-tent because when we haveapproached the clerk, he is apologetic and embarrassed andworried that he has somehowoffended me. The ward directorylists us as the Dearings, but Isometimes worry that those whodon�t know Kevin�s last namewon�t be able to get in touch withme. Our old ward directory listedus in both the D�s and the H�s,which worked better.

A few years ago, a high council-man in charge of visiting singlesisters came to visit me. He wasgracious and kind but a little con-fused when we explained why Iwas probably listed as a single sis-ter, as well as being listed as SisterDearing. The overwhelming emotion he showed was reliefwhen he realized that I was married to Kevin and not simplycohabitating with him!

Kevin and I had our first child lastyear. At my baby shower, I wasasked what we had named him.�Jackson Preston,� I said. �Andhis last name?� they asked. Iguess it was a fair question.�Dearing.� I wanted Jackson tohave my maiden name as his middle name, but after morenegotiations we decided to use his middle name as a way tohonor male relatives on both sidesof our families.

Over the last few years, I�ve tried

Negotiating Identity: Keeping My Name

Vol. 27, No. 3 29

to convince Kevin to change hisname or suggested that we bothhyphenate our last names. He isresistant to these ideas; he likeshis last name and feels a strongaffinity to it because of his familialties. I can certainly relate. Men inthe ward have asked him if itbothers him that I kept my name.�Yeah, sometimes,� he replies. Iwish it didn�t, just as I�m sure hewishes that becoming a Dearingwouldn�t be difficult for me.

There are days when I wish weshared a last name, but I feel thatthis feeling is part of my compro-mise. I give into tradition at timesand Kevin gives into innovation at

times. Neither of us are com-pletely content during these com-promises, but we manage tostretch ourselves towards eachother�s perspectives.

For me, having different lastnames is a powerful example ofhow two autonomous individualscan carefully craft a marriage thatis based on partnership, sharedresponsibilities, and values�not amarriage that is perfect or trouble-free, but one that is based on acommitment between two peopleto develop a marriage that is egal-itarian, equitable, and rewardingin the midst of constant negotia-tions. I understand that forging

new models of marriage and partnership will take time, and I am sure that being impatientwith those who hold fast to traditional models will not pro-duce quicker results. BeingMormon, married, and keepingyour own last name presents par-ticular challenges�none of whichis insurmountable. �

Amy is a doctoral candidate inWomen�s Studies in Religion atClaremont Graduate University. Sheand her husband, Kevin Dearing, andtheir son, Jackson Dearing, currentlylive in northern California. Amyenjoys gardening, cooking, and any-thing related to travel.

once. Two of them are intendedfor the Young Adult age group(11�14). One of them is a newmystery-suspense for a nationalpublisher. The second is a novelthat takes place in Nauvoo at thetime of Joseph Smith�s death. Thethird, aimed at LDS women, I�mwriting with two writer friendsabout three Mormon women fromdifferent parts of the country whomeet at BYU Education Week in1975. Their lives becomeentwined as they go about raisingtheir families, and we get to dis-cuss a lot of problems faced byMormon women in general.

What interests do you have inaddition to writing?

Cats, of which I have five. Travel,which has taken me all over theworld, most recently to China. Ilove plays and musicals. Andmovies. And, of course, books. �

Lael continued from page 25

which ended in a miscarriage. I had six girls and three boys. Mysecond daughter died at almostthree months of crib death, whichwas very difficult. It was a chal-lenge having children while inmedical school and residency, but it was all worth it. We loveour children very much and haveno greater sense of joy and accom-plishment than them. My husband has always supported�even encouraged�my pursuit ofa career I loved because of mybeing able to help others.

Our children have been veryunderstanding of what I havechosen to do with raising themwhile working part time and occa-sionally full time. I�m blessed towork for Kaiser, where I can havesome flexibility in my scheduleand the great advantage of work-ing at night while the children areasleep or on weekends when theydon�t need as much help withhomework. It helps also that most

of our families, parents, and sib-lings live in Irvine, too. They havehelped to raise the children. Ican�t deny that there have beentimes when the children at a veryyoung age would cry for me to beat home, despite the good caretheir dad gave them. There�s stillno substitute for mom!

Do your church responsibilitiesbalance with your other duties?

I have been married for almostthirty years. I was a convert tothe Church at age twenty-one, oneyear after marrying David, whohad joined the Church about sixweeks before we met. Currently,I�m a Webelos den leader. Ibelieve so far my greatest andmost satisfying calling has been award missionary. �

Then and Now continued from page 26

30 Exponent II

Mike McBride

It�s not like she didn�t warn me.Six years ago Caroline went out ofher way to let me know what Iwas getting into. Like when shetold me over and over she hadsomething important to tell me,something that could make mestop dating her. The funny thingis that when she made her �big�announcement during a dinnerdate�that she was going to keepher name when she got married�I didn�t even blink. She was dis-appointed because she was hoping for some sort of reaction,but I already knew about thisdecision since her brother, whohad introduced us, had hinted atit weeks earlier. This informationdid not deter my pursuit of her.To be honest, I wasn�t even pursu-ing her then. I told my brother atthe time that I was only going outwith her because she was fun andinteresting and not because I con-sidered her �wife material.�

That changed of course. Ourcourtship, once it began, was funand romantic but also unique. Wewere in school on opposite sidesof the country, but thanks to de-clining long distance telephonerates and the proliferation of e-mail, we communicated frequent-ly. Progression in the relationshipmeant discussing more and deep-er topics. It was during this timethat I got to know her desire to beher best by stretching and chal-lenging herself, her ability to feelothers� pain, and, most promi-nently, her feminism. Surpris-ingly, aspects of her feminismattracted me to her. She is smart,she cares about real world issues,and she is not afraid to engage indifficult conversations.

On the other hand, because I donot consider myself a feminist, herfeminist views have presented dif-ficulties for me in our marriage,some of which were unexpected.Take having different last names,for example. The only two advan-tages are the shock value wesometimes get when new acquain-tances do not know how to treatus once they find out and the factthat I always know it�s a telemar-keter on the phone when I�masked if Mr. Kline is home, thusallowing me to quickly developmy exit strategy. The biggest dis-advantage is that she sometimes ishurt when people�especiallyChurch members�who know shekept her last name still intention-ally refer to us as the McBrides. Ineach ward we�ve lived in, herchurch records have listed her by my name.

This is not a profound example ofhow my marriage is different thanexpected since I married aMormon feminist. But it actuallyhints at some of the more difficultissues that have come into my life.Often, as with her last name, shefeels misunderstood and frus-trated with Church members whodo not exhibit respect for herideals about gender equality. Herinnate feminist beliefs and think-ing were finely honed whileattending a women�s college,which means she is particularlysensitive to Church leaders� lan-guage, thoughts, and theoriesabout women and their roles inthe family, the Church, the tem-ple, and the eternities. Because Iam not as sensitive to these issues,I often react differently than she.For example, I often take a some-what impersonal or analyticalapproach, focusing on what we do

not know and on how Churchleaders teach or emphasize differ-ent things at different times, allthe while trying to maintain faithin the reality of inspired Churchleadership. While I can success-fully separate my own personalfeelings (for example, about vari-ous �folk� doctrines that circulatein Sunday School classes and areoffensive to her) from the realiza-tion that much is unknowndespite what is said, she cannot soeasily separate her passions fromthe cold realities of proof burdens.These different approaches some-times prevent us from engaging inbeneficial conversations.

Similar stumbling blocks exist inmany marriages, but the fact thatit takes place within the Churchcontext poses unique complexi-ties. For one, many Mormon doctrinal or historical issues often lead to questions of ultimatetruths and moralities, and thesemay impact the way we conceptu-alize our relationship and ourfuture. For example, does awoman have to �hearken unto�her husband because of someeternal female characteristic that makes her inferior to a man?Would I take a second wife in the next life if God personallyasked me to? Ultimately, our feelings about these issues aremore similar than different, butour different approaches to discussion often lead us to talkpast each other.

A second difficulty revolvesaround the ideal of being a supportive spouse. For example,if the treatment of women in theendowment ceremony bothers herso much that she dislikes attend-ing the temple but I still want to

So I Married a Mormon Feminist . . .

Vol. 27, No. 3 31

go, am I being unsupportive?More commonly, the issue ofbeing supportive arises whensomething is said at church thatshe feels is insensitive to women.Her critical reactions are oftenwarranted and ones I agree with,but sometimes I do disagree withthe tone or content of her concernsand criticisms. It is difficult to besensitive to her feelings when Idisagree with her. I feel obligatedas an individual to express mydisagreement, but this is difficultto do in a respectful manner.

I hope these examples give asense of some difficulties in beingmarried to a feminist, but I alsohope they do not give the wrongimpression. Ourday-to-day life is not as stress-ful as the aboveexamples mightsuggest. In fact,to me the moststressful aspectof our marriageher messiness.

The truth is thatI am a muchbetter persontoday because Iam married to her. She demandsthe best from me, and I do mybest to comply. Moreover,Caroline is aware of the manygood things the Church brings topeople throughout the world, andshe often gives the Church and itsleaders the credit they deserve.

To marry Caroline was thesmartest decision of my life. Infact, I can pin down three, amongmany, important ways she andher feminism have made me a better person. First, and obvious-

ly, she has raised my awareness ofthe concerns of many LDSwomen. I am a better personbecause I have a better, even if notcomplete, understanding of issuesconfronted by many LDS women.If I am ever needed to helpwomen who have similar con-cerns, I will be a much better toolin the Lord�s hands.

Second, she demands that I dowhat is right not just because it isright, which is easy for me to do,but for the right reason. Inessence, she has raised my ownawareness of my own desiresabout living the gospel of JesusChrist.

Third, I have learned more aboutJesus� Atonement in my yearsmarried to her than in all the com-bined years of my pre-marriedlife. I have never so strongly feltthe desire to take another person�spain. In our most intimatemoments, her emotional and spiritual burdens become mine,and I feel closer to her when Imanifest this pure love. I neverascribed to the belief that eachperson has �one true love,� but if I have a soul mate, then she�sthe one.

As I meet more Mormon femi-nists, I find that many of themshare Caroline�s feelings but eachis unique. I�m sure Exponent IIreaders are familiar with the factthat there are different types offeminists. One of Caroline�s text-books classifies, among others,socialist feminists, radical feminists, liberal feminists, andcultural feminists. Even though�feminist� is a label used in derision by many Church mem-bers for various reasons, manytypes of feminists remain in theChurch. What role they will havein our Church is not for me todecide, but I know that Carolinehas an important place that she isstill searching for. Her journey of

finding it is morehers than mine, but Iam along for theride. And I am gladfor it.

In all honesty, Ibelieve I have thebest marriage in theworld. I am continu-ally challenged, edi-fied, and exhilarated.In Mormon lingo, Iam progressing.Actually, she has

told me that I am a feminist�justnot a very good one. I tell her thatshe�s crazy to call me a feminist,as anyone who knows me wouldagree. But I secretly hope she stillbelieves it since it could reconfirmto her my (albeit limited) ability tojourney with her. �

Mike McBride has been CarolineKline�s husband (she likes him intro-duced as her posssessed object) forfive years. He enjoys reading hard-boiled detective novels and teachesgame theory at UC Irvine.

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Please save September 23�25 forthis year�s Exponent Retreat to beheld at Camp Jewell in the north-west corner of Connecticut (nearColebrook). Camp Jewell sits inthe beautiful Berkshire Mountainson the banks of a private lake.

This year�s keynote speaker willbe Pandora Brewer. Pandora hasbeen a popular workshop pre-senter at various Exponentretreats over the years, the mostrecent one being on femalesocialization and empowerment.A manager in the Boston area of

the inventive and upscale chainof Crate and Barrel stores,Pandora was recently transferredto Chicago with her husbandMark and sons Alex (14) andWalker (11) to be the company'sMidwest Area Trainer. Pandora'sinterests include medievalhistory, myth, and religion.

To accommodate the camp, wemust have your retreat registra-tion by September 7. The fee,which includes all meals, lodging,and a tee shirt, is $140.

To reserve your place, e-mailBarbara Taylor atsaige3tb@yahoo.com or call her at(508) 478-4469. Let her know ifyou have a talent you�d like toshare in our annual talent show.

Fall Retreat

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