RESPE Tdissed

Jason Perry

getting and giving the props we all need and want

RESPE Tdissedgetting and giving the props we all need and want

Jason L. Perry

Acknowledgement and Dedication This book is dedicated to the young men of the man to Men mentoring program. It was my conversations with them that inspired and informed this project. I can only hope that it will inspire you just as much.

Roy Barron Caleb Brayboy Christian BrookensKenan Brown Milo BrownLawrence BrownGeorge Buckley Daniel CameraEmmanuel ChildsD’ontae Coleman Malik Curtis Brian Davis James DelangeK. William DeLangeCody DixonAmari Dorsey Brandon Dorsey Tim Dorsey James EdwardsJamman Ellis Joseph Evans William Flowers Danny GatsonJavian Gay Jake Gonzalez

Nathan Gonzalez Jesse GrahamJacob GrutziusEvan HaleRonald HaleDonald HamiltonRoger HardyJared Hoekstra Caleb Holman Reginald HowellGentry Hunt Joshua IzenbartCaleb Izenbart Gage Karczewski Malcolm KnutsonSean KowyniaJayln Johnson Amari JonesJimmy KitchellDavid LewisJulian LewisShaquille Lott Andre McNairTimothy MooreAmilio Moralez

Kenyon NealKhaston NealDeyon PamonAndrew PattonAntoine PattonJaron PerryKevin PettitEvan PoinsetteCecil RossTyler SkinnerTimothy StephensKamari StephensShawn StringfellowPhilip StuffsDeion ThomasJovan TriplettPhil VanHeestCaleb WatkinsKyle WatkinsLawrence Watkins Josh WilkersonJordan WilliamsWyell WoodsSteven Wright

First Edition 2010Copyright © 2010 by Jason L. PerrySecond Edition 2011

All Rights Reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without prior written permission of the author and Oak Tree Publications, except for brief excerpts in reviews by magazines or professional journals. Use of sample documents is authorized for local schools and noncommercial entities only.

For additional information about purchasing books or booking Jason Perry for speaking and training engagements write: Oak Tree Ministries and Publications2103 Marston Ln, Flossmoor, IL 60422info@oaktreepub.org

Printed in the United States of America.

Introduction ......................................................... 6

Chapter 1 - Defining Respect .............................. 8

Chapter 2 - Dissed ............................................. 13

Chapter 3 - Respect - It’s not just about you! .... 18

Chapter 4 - Dismiss the diss! ............................ 23

The Final Chapter - Wrapping it up! ................... 38

Table of Contents

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RESPE Tdissed

Introduction“I don’t have to respect her!” That was the response. The question?“Do you think your comments in class were respectful to the

teacher?”This exchange took place between me and a group of teenaged

boys in the mentoring program I lead. We were discussing responsibility and self-control when one of the young men shared how he had gotten into trouble that day in school because of something he said in class.

In the conversation that followed, we talked about a number of issues surrounding respect and how we get it. What became really clear to me was that the young men in the class and I were worlds apart when it came down to our thoughts on this topic. I questioned myself and wondered, “Am I just getting old and don’t understand the present generation or is there a serious issue of misunderstanding about respect on the part of these teens?” While I am getting older, I have spent the majority of my life talking to teenagers and feel that I have a pretty good handle on what maddens and motivates them. I also feel that there is a need to help teens check their own attitudes and actions about this important issue of respect.

7

Introduction

What is ‘dissedRespect’?At the root of many conflicts young people face is the issue

of being disrespected or “dissed.” The feeling is that in some way the offender has violated a code of behavior or relating that makes the offended feel put down. The response is usually some level of physical or verbal confrontation and retaliation.

But in my opinion, it is respect itself that has been dissed. I believe that we have altered, diminished, maybe even lost sight of what it means to respect and be respected. The term “dissedRespect” communicates our need to go back to work defining respect and understanding how it impacts all of our lives in deeply significant ways. It is time that you as a young person and we as a community take a long hard look at who we are and who we want to become individually and collectively.

My hope for this book?◆ I hope that you will stay with me (I promise to work to keep it

short) and read the whole thing with an open mind. ◆ I hope to be able to help you understand why giving and

receiving respect is so deeply important and powerful.◆ I hope to give you some tools that will empower you to gain

and keep the respect of others.◆ I hope to make families, relationships, schools and

communities a better, safer place to live, by helping you and others to stop “dissing” respect. This is a big one, but I can dream can’t I?

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RESPE Tdissed

Chapter 1 - Defining RespectBefore you read any further, I want you to think about and

answer a few questions: 1. Whom do you respect and why?2. Whom don’t you respect and why?3. How would you define respect?4. Why is being respected important to you?

Here are samples of some of the responses I received from my students to the first question:

◆ Tiger Woods because he took responsibility for his mistakes, is seeking to correct them and is trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

◆ Parents and grandparents because they love, care for and want the best for me.

◆ Brothers and sisters because they look out for me.◆ Oprah Winfrey because she is a strong, African-American

woman who gives back to people and didn’t allow difficult things in her past defeat her.

◆ Chris Gardner because he believed in himself and his dreams even when others did not.

◆ Jackie Robinson and Jesse Owens because of their athletic achievements and the fact that they didn’t let racism stop them.

◆ Teachers and mentors because they take the time to invest in me.

◆ President Obama because he is working to help our country.

If I asked you to give me a definition of “respect,” you might have a hard time of coming up with a response. But when you look at the previous list of respected people, it is easy to see a common

9

Introduction

theme that is captured in the dictionary definition: “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” We have respect for people because of how they can perform, because of the successes they have experienced or because of the character they display.

But I don’t think the definition goes far enough or actually starts early enough. There is another definition for respect I want to run by you: the validation, affirmation and honor of someone’s existence. Basically, what this means is that to respect a person is to agree with and place a high value on a person’s life. In other words, everybody deserves the basic level of respect that comes from simply being alive. It says that everyone deserves a measure of respect purely on the basis that they are a fellow human being.

When I put these ideas together, I come up with the Respect Ladder.

Res

pect

Lad

der PERSONAL

Who you are

PERFORMANCEWhat you do

POSITIONALWhere you are

PRIMARYBecause you are

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RESPE Tdissed

Primary Respect - You get respect BECAUSE YOU ARE

This is that basic, fundamental understanding that every human being has value, purpose and meaning and deserves to be treated with a degree of dignity and honor. Whether you are a genius or severely developmentally disabled, filthy rich or desperately poor, employed or unemployed, athletically gifted or wheelchair bound, own the hotel or clean it, we all possess the innate right to be treated fairly and with respect.

Positional Respect - You get respect because of WHERE YOU ARE.

This is the respect that is due to people who are in certain positions or places of authority. They have been given the responsibility to care for your personal well-being and development or for that of the larger community. They will be held accountable for the fairness and the quality with which they do their job. We give them respect, not because we personally know or even like them, but because of the role, the place, the job they have been given to do and our understanding of the need for their job to be done. My friend Ron, an Army Veteran, tells me that in the military you are taught to “salute the suit” regardless of who is in it; you salute the uniform not the man. Other positions that might fall in this category are teachers, school administrators, law enforcement officers, parents/grandparents/guardians and work bosses.

Performance Respect - You get respect because of WHAT YOU DO.

This is respect that comes from admiration of a person’s skills or abilities. For example, I have respect for LeBron James’ basketball