Dreading Those Difficult Conversations? What Supervisors Need to Know and Do to Hold Supervisees AccountableAnthony Salerno, PhD

July 16, 2020

Agenda‣ Hard Conversations: Why so hard?

‣ Why Important?

‣ Common Mistakes

‣ Helpful Strategies

‣ Scenarios

Hard Conversations‣ What do you say to an employee who over-indulged at the holiday party?

‣ The person who is generally silent at meetings and rarely interacts with fellow team members. Does the work but never shows an interest in supporting the team - never volunteers or go beyond their role no matter the circumstances.

‣ What about the skillful therapist who delivers results but also has a serious problem with getting paperwork done on time?

‣ What to say to the diligent employee who dresses in an inappropriate manner (who defines inappropriate…)?

‣ What about the supervisee who is very vocal and continually makes negative comments about nearly every aspect of the work and the organization?

Hard Conversations‣ The very anxious/insecure employee who tends to blur boundaries with some of

his/her clients? ◦ begins initiating hugs and repeatedly embracing a number of clients before and after

each session◦ indiscriminately shares personal information about him/herself with clients.

‣ The old timer who undermines the supervisor’s position in meetings. The old timer may have developed significant informal power and can influence others.

‣ And then there’s Ned or Nancy, the one who needs to hear some feedback but is always so wound up you fear the person will unleash a tirade of emotions and leave you asking yourself why you didn’t become an accountant.

‣ How do you support a practitioner who manifests behavior that reflects a significant mental health and/or substance use problem?

‣ The clinician who receives negative feedback/complaints from 2 family members in the past month.

‣ The person who typically calls in sick or takes time off on a Monday or Friday‣ The person who, at times, talks about clients in a demeaning and negative

manner after having been counseled on this before.

Hard Conversations:General inattention to work tasks (lateness, forgetting)

Team members who vie for position and advantage:

What’s a supervisor to do? Try to avoid favoritism and sibling rivalry among team members

Chat into “ALL PANELISTS”:‣Type in real/actual hard conversation

dilemmas you are currently facing or anticipate facing with one or more supervisees?

Poll: How likely will you be having a “hard” conversation in the next several weeks?

A. Absolutely willB. Very likelyC. LikelyD. PossiblyE. Probably not

Poll: How uncomfortable is it for you to have conversations with your supervisee about work performance problems?A. Very uncomfortable (I would rather have a

root canal)B. UncomfortableC. Just a little uncomfortableD. Generally comfortableE. Very comfortable - piece of cake

Why so difficult?

Chat in to “ALL PANELISTS”:

‣ Please type in why talking to a supervisee about a problem in performance can be very difficult? ‣ What emotions might it engender in you (the

supervisor)?‣ What emotions might it engender in the supervisee?

Common ineffective reactions associated with the emotions related to difficult conversations?Avoidance• Letting the person slip away - literally• Pray the person will somehow change• Convince yourself this is not your job (nobody else has dealt with

him/her - “Now I have to do it?”)• Hope the person will leave• Hope you will get a different job• Saying to yourself, criticism of any kind will only make things worse• The person is impossible - we just have to put up with it• Shying away from further confrontation: didn’t go so well the first time

around• Powerless: The person is in a union or has a permanent status

state/county job. I’ll be the one on trial!• This is a scary employee - I’m not going to risk it.

Common ineffective reactions associated with the emotions related to difficult conversations?‣ Guilt: Beginning with an apology‣ Winging it: Avoid the process of thinking it through - planning

and deciding on a course of action.‣ Getting too emotional: waiting until you are really angry and

collected enough ammunition to clobber the supervisee.‣ Belaboring the point: ◦ Not knowing how to end the process◦ Hoping for a positive response or ◦ Need to convince oneself it was the right thing to do.

‣ Turning the conversation into a debate or argument‣ Picking the wrong time and place‣ Failing to follow up‣ Waiting for the annual performance review

Consequence of avoiding and/or mismanaging the hard conversations

‣ Behavior doesn’t change and your power has been reduced‣ Behavior gets worse ‣ “Infects” other team members (“I guess people are not held

accountable around here”)‣ Increased dissatisfaction/disaffection among other

employees‣ Frustration, anger, resentment build and festers‣ More energy spent on intra-team conflict and divisive

allegiances rather than client care. ‣ Overly punitive process resulting in a very angry employee

who doesn’t keep it to him/herself.

If not handled well: The conversation may not stay confidential.

The other side of the continuum: the supervisor perceived as a pushover

‣ let employees walk all over them. ...‣ have clear favorites. ...‣ say 'sorry' a lot. ...‣ flee any kind of confrontation. ...‣ don't handle problem employees. ...‣ don't lead — they go with the flow. ...‣ only give positive feedback. ...‣ rarely say ‘no’…

The Annual Showdown! Waiting for the performance reviews to provide feedback.‣ “The performance appraisal nourishes short-term performance,

annihilates long-term planning, builds fear, demolishes teamwork, nourishes rivalry and politics… it leaves people bitter, crushed, bruised, battered, desolate, despondent, dejected, feeling inferior, some even depressed, unfit for work for weeks after receipt of rating, unable to comprehend why they are inferior.” – Edward Deming

‣ “It is unfair, as it ascribes to the people in a group differences that may be caused totally by the system that they work in.”

http://performance-appraisals.org/faq/deming.htm

The dilemma of waiting for the annual appraisal: avoidance of uncomfortable conversations during annual performance review

Be open to the contribution of organizational policies, practices and culture on the supervisees’ performance.

‣ Ask for the employee's view of the situation and be open to organizational factors: Do they see the same problem or opportunity that you do?‣ Do barriers exist that interferes with the employee's ability

to work effectively?‣ Four common barriers are time, training, tools, and

temperament. ‣ Identify the degree to which these barriers exist, if and how

these barriers might be minimized and the role both the supervisor and supervisee may play in addressing them.

Be Reasonable and Fair

Are you working in a punitive organizational culture?

Tips for Supervisors

‣ Before the talk vs flying by the seat of your pants

‣ During the talk vs losing control of the conversation

‣ After the talk vs don’t want to do that again

Before the Talk: Preparation/Planning

‣Don’t delay. The longer the delay, the harder it gets - avoidance related emotions build with time.‣Choose the right time and place (less likely to

have disruptions, maximize privacy and confidentiality)‣Prepare for all possible scenarios. Before you

have a difficult conversation, consider all the possible reactions of the supervisee based on your best assessment of their temperament‣Decide if a third person should be present

Before the Talk: Preparation/PlanningEstablishing a problem solving emotional and psychological mindset

• Examine your emotional state; find an optimal arousal zone (calm, serious, emotionally regulated.) High levels of anger, frustration and contempt is not likely to be helpful in the long term.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity, a search for understanding and problem solving rather than judgment. You are not entering a courtroom - this is not a trial - you are not the prosecutor and the staff member is not the accused!

Focus On Creating Value• Ask yourself, how can this conversation create value for me, for the

other person, and for the organization? - Lianne Lyne, PLP Coaching, LLC

Before the Talk: Preparation/Planning

Understand why you need to addressing the issue.Ask yourself:‣ Do I really need to have this conversation? Why?‣ Is it more difficult having the conversation or keeping

the status quo?‣ What’s the upside and downside of keeping things as

there are? ‣ Is this really my job?‣ What is the consequence of leaving the issue alone?

Before the Talk: Preparation/Planning‣ Balancing facts with perceptions• Make a distinction between what are facts/behavioral observations/hard data

and your impressions, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.• Hard data is difficult to refute and dismiss• Perceptions, feelings and impressions are subjective but still important. • When perceptions are involved, the approach is one of curiosity - sharing your

perspective and listening to the person’s perspective. • The purpose is to see if there is a share perspective and providing feedback

as well as receiving feedback.

Example:‣ “ I want to share an impression I’m getting which may or may not be

accurate, but I thought it would be helpful for us to discuss. First, I have a number of positive impressions such as……..On the other hand, I sometimes feel that you are not engaged in our morning planning sessions. I perceive your body language and tone to be uninterested and restless for the meeting to be over. I’m concerned because I think it affects the way the team experiences the morning meetings. These are just my impressions, so I wanted to get your take on what I’m saying?”

Before the Talk: Preparation/Planning

‣ Empathic Perspective: Step Into the supervisee’s shoes‣ Be compassionate to yourself and the person who is receiving your

feedback. ‣ You may want to start by saying, "I need to tell you something that

might be difficult to hear." ◦ Consider what factors could be driving a person to act/say/do things the

way they are doing? ◦ What is the other person looking to get out of the situation? ◦ Knowing these viewpoints will help you create a win-win situation and

deliver the message in a calm manner.

The highly defensive supervisee

Who, me?? I

didn’t do anything!!

Common Pitfalls: Distractions and Defense Strategies

Changing the subject• “Why pick on me? You don’t know what really goes on here! I actually

do more work than others around here.”• “What about Jane? She really does what you are accusing me of!”

Turning the tables• “I don’t get support form you or anyone else!”• “This place sucks! Everything is so disorganized. In my other job, I

didn’t have any problems.”• “I’m going to call my shop steward.”• “My annual performance review said I was doing just fine.”

Expressing outrage• “ How dare you &*^%#$ talk to me that way!!!”

Guilt induction• “After all I have done for this program, how can you treat me this way?”• “I’m going through a lot at home and my medical treatments, you should

be ashamed of yourself.”

During the Talk: Opening and initial statements that may be helpful in framing the conversation

‣ “Thanks for finding the time to meet with me”‣ “The purpose of this meeting is to discuss a number of concerns

that I have and give you a chance to raise concerns that you may have.”

‣ "I need to tell you something that might be difficult to hear but my hope is that we end this meeting with a positive plan that works for the program and works for you.

‣ I’m raising these concerns with the hope that it will increase your success and satisfaction working here.

‣ “We both have a stake in addressing some concerns - I’ll do my best to be a support to you in performing at your best”

‣ “I am most concerned about………….I believe it negatively affects…….. and I would like us to find ways to address it.”

‣ “How do you see (what are your thoughts about) the concerns that I am raising?”

Opening statements (cont.)

‣ “I first want to start out with my observations of how you contribute to the team and the organization. There are also a couple of areas for improvement that I would like to discuss.”

‣ “There is a lot at stake for both of us. For you, being successful and satisfied with the work and for me, the morale of this team along with how the organization views both of us. I want to resolve this issue with you and I’d like to hear your viewpoint along with ideas on how to move forward.”

https://www.themuse.com/advice/confronting-an-employee-3-communication-mistakes-managers-make

During the TalkUse 'I' Statements: more likely to promote a willingness to find a solution and seek constructive change without conflict. - Loren Margolis, Training & Leadership Success LLC‣ Starting your sentences with "I" avoids putdowns, judgment and blame,

which are key to keeping your composure. Simple formula for addressing a concern:• Share observation: "When I hear/see you say/do..." • State your emotional/thought response: "I react/feel/think ..." • Impact: "It impacts…....“

Example:When I observe you coming in late or missing a meeting, I think that you have lost interest in our program and your team members. I believe it negatively impacts the entire sense that we are a team. I wonder if something has happened that is contributing to these problems?

During the TalkDon't Take It Personally: Do you feel like Tina?‣ I'm a people pleaser at heart -- I hate to upset someone! But I've learned

over the years that if I approach conversations from this place, then I won't have the conversation at all.”

‣ “Instead, I aim to find the "truth" of the matter and to have the conversation from that place instead. How the other person responds is up to them; all I can do is be honest and real while looking for a solution”.

- Tina ForsythUse The Bad News Sandwich (some are for - some are against this approach)‣ “A difficult conversation is often better received when delivered using a

"bad news sandwich," where the "buns" of the sandwich include positive words of praise, and the "meat" in the middle deals with the heart of the matter. This method allows you to share good news along with hard-to-share news — ideal for those of us who dread conflict.” - Virginia Franco, Virginia Franco Resumes

During the Talk: Importance of expectations Self- fulfilling prophecy dilemma:• Expect that the conversation will go very well and that the employee will be

grateful for discussing performance issues in a professional, calm and respectful manner.

• If you go into a conversation expecting an issue, that's what you're going to get. Have good intentions in your confrontation. Remember that your reputation will precede you. Maleeka T. Hollaway, The Official Maleeka Group, LLC.

‣ Be confident and direct but open to the other person’s perspective - to changing your understanding of the situation

‣ Be open to identifying and taking responsibility for anything you have done as a supervisor that may have contributed in some way to the problem.

Language during the talk.‣ "What are you doing that you feel good about and is making a real contribution

to the program/clients?" ‣ "What are you finding that is quite challenging and continue to struggle with?" ‣ "What would help you meet these challenges?" ‣ “Any thoughts on what you would need to change to be most effective?

Avoidance of Critical Parent Language‣Words associated with critical parent

communication:◦ You should, you must, why don’t you? ◦ What were you thinking? ◦ What’s wrong with you? ◦ I can’t believe you did that” ◦ You don’t listen. ◦ I’m not going to put up with this behavior. ◦ For the last time….. ◦ This is what you’re going to do and I don’t want no ifs, ands and buts about

it! ◦ I don’t think I have ever had an employee like you? ◦ Don’t tell me you weren’t inebriated at the staff picnic! ◦ You’d better apologize right now!

Avoidance of Hurt Child Language

•Words associated with hurt child communication:◦ You make me look bad when you do………◦ I don’t know what else to do with you!◦ I’ve never been so upset about an employee!◦ You make the whole team look like flunkies!◦ You’re not the only one who could get fired!◦ It’s embarrassing when you do……◦ I’m so sorry you’re so upset about what I said to you.◦ I didn’t mean to get you upset, your making me feel bad that I

brought this up.◦ I feel terrible having to discuss this matter with you.◦ Any use of expletives &8%$@*&^

During the Talk: Problem solving focus

End on finding a solution that is agreeable to both parties. ‣ Determine whether issues exist that limit the employee's ability to perform the task or

accomplish the objectives. • Four common barriers are time, training, tools, and temperament. • Determine how to remove these barriers. • Determine whether the employee needs your help to remove the barriers — a key

role of a manager — or if he is able to tackle them by himself.

‣ For example, if you’re telling an employee who failed to follow up with a number of families that called for assistance, identify…• what contributed to this problem from the employee’s perspective• what steps to take immediately • how to ensure this doesn’t happen again. • ask the employee for ideas on how to correct the problem or prevent it from

happening again. • once you’re in agreement, commit to the resolution and make sure there is an action

plan going forward.

After the TalkFollow up to prevent fallout‣ Some people have delayed reactions to bad news and may experience

feelings of frustration, embarrassment or resentment after leaving the conversation.

‣ Some people are very sensitive to criticism and experience a hurt that is disproportionate to the actual feedback.

‣ Some might act out which then becomes another difficult conversation (passive aggressiveness, sulking, increased hostility, uncooperative behavior)

‣ They may also “bad mouth” you to others in the organization (maybe embellish a bit as well)

‣ Be aware of this and check up on the person periodically to make sure they’re doing okay. In some cases, based on your relationship with the person, you may consider scheduling time for another discussion or perhaps meet offsite in a less formal setting (e.g., coffee shop)

Beyond Words: Body Language‣ Our facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, body

movement, hand gestures communicates as strongly as the words we use.‣ The goal is to engage in a professional adult to adult

conversation. ‣ The supervisees body language indicates how they are

responding to the feedback.‣ The most common pitfall is communicating from a critical

parent emotional state.‣ The critical parent approach is more likely to “hook” the

person’s child emotional state of hurt, passivity and/or anger.

Rate the Body Language of the Supervisor from 1-101= Very likely to be ineffective- can cause much more harm than good

5 = Barely acceptable. Outcome can go either way

10 = Optimal body language: Appropriate and professional and likely to be effective

Rate the following body language of the supervisor (1-10)

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?

Supervisor

Rating 1-10?Supervisor

Rating 1-10?Supervisor

Poll Question: How would you describe the impact this webinar has had on you?‣ A. I am much more confident in my ability to have

productive conversations.

‣ B. I’m more confident but still worried

‣ C. Not so confident: I’m still anxious about having these types of conversations.

‣ D. I’m thinking about finding a non-supervisory job.

Q&A

Chat in questions to “ALL PANELISTS”!

Thank you!Please contact us at ctac.info@nyu.edu with any

questions or comments.

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