Delaware - Issue 7 - 12/5/2013

UD Replaces RoDney anD Dickinson

BY: Russel Kogan

Two new freshmen residence halls, under construction across from Perkins, are set to take Rodney and Dickinson’s place as “shittiest dorms on campus,” according to a UD statement. President Harker claims that the university needs to have at least one shitty freshman residence hall at all times.

“Socializing over a bad living experience is a part of the UD promise,” he said. As a result, the university plans on making the new residence halls as similar to Rodney and Dickinson as they can possibly be. Not only will the floor plans of the new building be the same, but the team of ar-chitects and construction work-ers plan on giving the building the same “ambience” of Rodney and Dickinson in their present state.

“Many of our alumni come back eager to see the initials that they etched into the door of bathroom stall when they were a freshman,” Harker said in a dis-cussion with the lead architects. “I want you to reproduce every scratch, every broken mirror, and every blood stain that evokes

nostalgia for these people.”

Students living in the new residence halls will endure the same multitude of problems that Rodney and Dickinson resi-dents currently face. Today, the primary issues with the halls are small room sizes, a lack of air-conditioning, and a sketchy atmosphere. Other complaints include an oozing green liquid from the ceiling and a constant odor of burning flesh.

Steve Rokan, a Rodney resident, said, “I can’t get to my room with-out having to walk over dead hookers and actual piles of shit. Like, piles. Not just one shit in the hallway, a pile of multiple shits. You just sort of get used to it af-ter a while.”

Still, students claim that Rodney and Dickinson’s saving grace is that they’re some of the most so-cial dorms on campus. It’s almost impossible not to say something to your across-the-hall neigh-bors when they’re dealing crack out of their room to local Newark citizens.

Dickinson’s Ella Freedman noted, “I wouldn’t look twice if I saw a large forty-year old man passed out in one of the lounges.”

Freedman says that the heroin needles and cigarette burns found throughout the dorms give it a “comforting, homeless shelter feel.”

And that’s exactly what to ex-pect from the new buildings. The rooms of the halls will be 5 feet by 5 feet, just enough room to taste your roommate’s armpit sweat when you sleep. In addi-tion, the structure will have no windows or air-conditioning, but instead there will be a small slit in each room’s outside-facing wall.

“This way,” head architect Roy Walker said, “we allow just enough space for the freezing cold air to enter the room, but not circulate out.”

In addition, the slit gives stu-dents the ability to smoke mari-juana or cigarettes in their room as they please.

While the initial project of build-ing the two residence halls is

estimated to cost $80 million dollars, the university plans on spending another $120 million to make dorms “nice and shitty.”

In a speech to UD’s top donors, Harker stated, “in the last six months of construction, we’re going to try to do something never been done before. We’re going to take the squeaky clean

new dorms, and make them un-dergo a rapid aging process to make them look older than they actually are. We’re going to shit-ty-ify the buildings in the name of UD’s history.”

This procedure involves moving dust into the building, strategi-cally placing vomit stains on carpets, and getting fat people

to fart and rub their sweat on the furniture.

Harker confidently concluded his speech: “We will lose our sense of tradition by adding a state-of-the-art building to our campus. Instead, we want to bring tradi-tion back.”

The Black SheepVol.5, Issue 7 12/5/13 - 2/13/14

• Keep Up With Us! • @theBlacKsheepUD • theBlacKsheeponline.com •

why more students are wearing more sweat pants and sweating less.

stUDents Wear Gym clothes more DUrinG Finals

page 12

at least in her final moments her goofy face looked cute and goofy.

everyone taKinG snapchat selFies hit By car at once

page 4

Be careful with that cold or you might end up on the no-fly list.

JUnior Girl DeclareD “Bio-terrorist”

page 13

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CAMPUS MANAgERMike Cox

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WRITERS Chase Karpus, Dillon McLaughlin,Carolyn beaty, Mike Cox, Russel Kogan, Melinda Nanovsky, Matt Roarty, Alexis Miller, Shannon Poulsen

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GueSS The MaScoT

A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with

pink flamingos instead.

cRapsizesimply, falling asleep while taking a dump.

“Billy crapsized in the first-floor bathroom after holing up in there for several hours

following taco night.”

I got you a present with a

bow on it...

Now I just need to put it in your box.

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Early Tuesday evening, all 8 million Snapchat users were fatally hit by a car as they all took a selfie. Tragically, there were no survivors.

Eyewitnesses report that just as the 8 million Snapchat users stepped out into the road, faces screwed up in typical Snapchat fashion, a silver 2006 Mercury Sable plowed through them, sending bodies and Chinese-made technology flying through the air.

“I saw them stepping into the street, staring into their front-facing smartphone cameras, and then there was a screech,” said bystanders Phillip Jacobson. “Next thing I knew, there were a half a dozen cellphones at my feet and blood everywhere.”

“There was nothing I could do,” continued Jacobson. “I tried to signal to the car that the entire user base for Snapchat was about to cross the street, but the driver must not have seen me.”

In a dark twist, the victims’ faces all froze as they were at their time of death, making this the most hilarious case of rigor mortis ever and causing raucous laughter at the coroner’s office.

“The untimely death of 8 million people is not something to be taken lightly,” said local coroner Angus Fleetman. “but did you see their faces? It’s a shame we have to put these in a body bag, because these are some of the

funniest facial rearrangements I’ve seen in a long time, and I was at the Polaroid Party of 1976.”

Snapchat Inc. could not be reached for comment.

“Sure it’s tragic, but really, what were they expecting?” mused Damien LaTomes, Snapchat protester and frequent Dunkin’ Donuts customer. “If people need an app for texting and walking, how can they expect Snapchatting to turn out any better?”

“Is this what vindication feels like?” asked LaTomes, allowing the inhumane but admittedly relatable facet of his personality to shine through for just a moment.

The car that hit the victims was allegedly driven by someone Instagramming the sunset instead of controlling their two ton careening death trap.

president harker spends entire endowment on Fine Walnut bookcase

University of Delaware President Patrick Harker revealed in a press conference today that he had, “after much thought,” elected to spend the university’s entire 2012 endowment on a fine walnut bookcase. The exact amount of the endowment is unknown but is estimated to be even higher than 2011’s endowment of $1.1 billion.

“Delaware is a school on the rise,” said Harker as he led reporters through his campus residence, the interior walls of which had been lined entirely with the bookcase. “This move reflects that rise. Professors come and go. Students come and go. but a nice bookcase – that says, ‘we’re here for good.’”

Harker waxed nostalgic about the literature-holding prowess of other elite universities, such as Yale, Harvard, and Princeton.

“Who doesn’t tell their kids the stories of [Yale’s] Ol’ Marbley, or [Stanford’s] big Oak?” he asked. “When I had nightmares as a child, like dreaming that I was attending a public college, the nanny at the prestigious boarding school I attended would bring me a warm glass of milk. Then she would throw the milk in my face. She didn’t speak English, but as she yelled at me in her native, exotic tongue while I changed out of my now-

soaking-wet velour nightgown, I could tell what she meant: A man is only as good as the shelf he has to put his books on.”

“Now when [Princeton University’s President Christopher L.] Eisgruber comes to visit, it won’t be ‘oh Paddy, yes Paddy, what an adorable antiques collection’ or ‘how quaint Paddy, your first Nobel Prize winner,’” said Harker, scratching his nails in the bookcase. “When he sees this it’ll take the grin right off his shit-eating face. And then we’ll see who gets to sit at the big kids table at the Association of American Colleges and Universities banquet.”

“Me, it will be me,” clarified Harker in front of the empty bookcase, as he had saved no money for any books.

everyone taking snapchat selfies hit by caR at once

BY: Dillon Mclaughlin

BY: Joe ZiegleR

on the StreetS

“everything is better in slushy form.”

austin, senior

06

“i’d rather eat it because when things are cold, you can’t taste them as well.”

meredith, senior

“if it’s melted, you’re drinking piss. if it’s in the snow form, you can atleast pretend it’s a lemon-flavored

snow cone.”

kori, senior

WoUlD yoU RatheR eat a cUp oF pee-snoW, oR let it melt bUt have to DRink it

thRoUgh a stRaW?Send uS your party picS to [email protected]

Around cAmpus

Finals week is the worst time of the year for students at UD. It is the time of year when procrastination is at its highest, and your self-esteem is at its lowest. Out of all the shitty reasons why finals suck for UD students, The black Sheep has got you covered with the Top 10.

10.) hearing about how little sleep people got: Quit trying to impress your friends with your lack of sleep. “Dude, I stayed up ‘til 5 last night studying for econ, I only got 20 minutes of sleep..#nosleepnovember.” You got that right, it really is no big deal. We all lack sleep during finals. And you weren’t up until 5 study-ing, you jerked off to some girl’s “beAch LyFe 2012” photo album, you lying procrasturbator.

9.) “Club Morris”: To some, Morris Library resembles a club. Limited seating, 2:1 girl to guy ratio, kids poppin’ pill bottles - it’s all there. We get it, but that term is god awful. ISE lab’s better for studying anyway. #iseisemaybe?

8.) Finding the right kid to sit behind: So you’ve decided to sit behind someone and cheat. You go into the lecture and check out the talent. You either sit behind the Asian kid, the long-haired nerd with glasses, or the terribly average looking girl filling out her Scantron. Odds are, she’s ready to take the test. It’s a tough choice.

7.) Ryan gosling memes: “Hey girl, do your best, forget the rest,” says an avant-garde looking Ryan gos-ling. The dude is awesome, but he doesn’t give two shits about how you do on finals.

6.) addy dumps: It comes about every hour, even if you haven’t eaten. It’s a skinny, serpentine-like coiler that leaves you unsatisfied, because no one likes to poop on Adderall. They’re never one wipe wonders too, and the TP at “Club Morris” leaves your ass hurting.

5.) annoying bodily functions while taking an exam: Lecture halls in Smith can hold 300 people, and when it’s dead quiet, you can hear every page turning, sneeze, cough, foot tap, and sniffle. Everyone’s so sick at this time of year, and it’s distracting when some dude next to you is sniffling like Charlie Sheen after a 7 gram rock.

4.) Finding adderall: Drug usage at UD is at an all time high during finals week. Unless you have a buddy with a script, you’re out of luck. Even then, your buddy will say “Dude, I need them man, sorry,” and then you’re left drinking coffee and using your normal brain power like a normal.

3.) When you get 10 of the same answers in a row: You were fairly confident and prepared coming into this exam, but then you get 10 b’s in a row. Then you begin to second guess yourself. “There’s no way the test maker would put 10 b’s in a row… Should I change some? I’m scared…” Scared of what? 10 b’s is way less scary than 10 D’s to the face. #bukkake.

2.) Your “friend” wants to sit next to you: You guys sit together in a barely-packed Purnell lecture hall to take your final. You don’t know this person well, but you pity her because she “barely studied.” That’s when you realize you are the only two sitting together. The awkwardness climaxes when the instructor looks at you two and tells you to spread out. You can’t help but think “She sat next to me! I hope she fucking fails.”

1.) The kid who finishes first: As he walks out every person gives him the death stare. We all hate him and how hard he studied, that well-prepared bastard. Or he gives zero fucks, and you can only wish you were as carefree and cool as him.

TheTop

TenBY: MiKe Cox

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1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest5) The Rose bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes

8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman

1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.

2) hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?

3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?

4) new Year’s eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?

5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose bowl is played in what stadium?

6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”

7) history: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.

8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971

9) snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.

10) holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?

1) Rodney’s 2) 6 3) A decade 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) Rose bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) I don’t

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JanitoR DisappointeD by clean FReshman bathRoom

BY: shiv PaTel

Harvey greene, janitor at UD, walked into his Rodney b2 bathroom late Monday afternoon to find it clean and spotless.

Mr. greene is one of UD’s hardworking custodial staff.

“He and his colleagues work tirelessly to ensure that UD’s campus and its facilities are pristine. They are the greatest” said head manager Stephen bricken.

greene works solely in the Rodney complex. He empties the trash cans, sweeps the floor, and, his favorite duty, cleans the bathrooms.

“While I mop the floors and wash the sinks, I think about how much joy I give to the students who live here,” says greene. “I expected to feel that bliss on Monday. but when I walked into the bathroom and smelled a fresh pine scent in the air, I knew I wasn’t going to experience that happiness.”

On the preceding Friday, the residents on the all-boys floor decided to “take it easy”

with the drinking over the weekend so that the bathrooms would not become a pigsty.

Jonah DiMateo, one of the b2 residents, explains his floor’s motivation. “We thought we were doing Mr. greene a favor. You know, he works so hard, and my boys and I thought that by giving him an easier task, we would be showing our thanks and appreciation.”

Not only did the residents in Rodney b2 not drink over the weekend, but they also cleaned up after themselves.

“It actually wasn’t that bad,” says DiMateo, “Me and the rest of the boys enjoyed it. We may do it next weekend too!”

greene does not hope so. After experiencing the tragic event, greene took a week of leave citing “emotional distress” The Black Sheep visited greene’s apartment to see how we was coping. When we sat down on the living room couch, Melanie greene, Harvey greene’s twelve year-old daughter, sat next to us.

“Daddy always smiles and laughs when he comes home from work. When we’re at dinner, he’ll usually tell me and mom his favorite vomit story. It’s usually about how there was dried, crusty vomit on the toilet and how he had to spend thirty minutes chipping it off using his fancy tools.”

She then explained that on the evening after the incident, her father sulked into the doorway and silently watched Wheel of Fortune.

“Not even mom’s meatball sandwich could cheer him up.”

Mr. greene walked into the living room, turned on the television, and sat next to his daughter. His black hair looked disheveled and knotted. His eyes were red, puffy, dark circles surrounding them. The green Eagles shirt he wore looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. He stared at the television screen, Live! With Kelly and Michael was on. When told that the b2 boys were planning

on keeping the bathroom clean, he finally said, “I understand where they are coming from. They’re young and naive, but cleaning those bathrooms gives me a sense of purpose in my life. That’s all I live for, and they’re taking that away from me.”

He gets up from the couch opens the fridge and takes out a leftover meatball sandwich. We hear muffled whimpers, and Melanie tells us that we should go.

The Black Sheep wishes Mr. greene and his family the best.

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Girl Who doesn’t need any more coffee keeps Getting coffeeBy Dillon McLaughlin

At 11:56 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, sources confirmed Candice Sletter, sophomore fashion merchandising major, had purchased another cup of coffee. This marked her fifth cup that day and third trip to Saxby’s.

“Sometimes I need a boost,” Sletter said to reporters outside the coffee shop on Amstel Ave. “My alarm goes off so early, so after I get out of bed, it’s all I can do to get myself to a Starbucks.”

Eyewitnesses report seeing Sletter galloping out of her dorm on Laird Campus at 6:15 every morning in the direction of the Main Street Dunkin’ Donuts.

“besides, it’s not like it’s habit forming or anything,” Sletter bubbled while in line for that morning’s Dunkaccino.

Sletter says the pressure is on as leader of the university’s pep band to make sure she’s at the top of her game at all times.

“Hey guiiiizze!” Sletter exclaimed upon seeing some friends while crossing Elkton Rd. “Does anyone want to grab some coffee? I’m hitting a wall here and I could really use a pick-me-up. Let’s go!”

She then stuck her arm through Kotta’s and enthusiastically marched to her fifteenth visit to the coffee shop in as many hours.

Environmental groups on campus have taken to

protesting outside Sletter’s dorm, holding recyclable signs that read, “buy a reusable mug you heartless murderer,” “That cup lasts longer than your caffeine high,” and “Don’t dispose of your ability to empathize with Mother Earth.”

Some speculate that Sletter does not enjoy the taste of coffee, and is only going for the business-like but casual look that the thick paper cup and accompanying cardboard heat guard provide.

“I think she likes looking like she’s busy and important,” said Sletter’s friend Doreen Argentine, a middle manager at Macy’s. “Coffee in her right hand, phone in the left, power walking to whatever thing she has going on next.”

This assertion has since been disproved by Sletter’s 35th espresso today, as no one has the strength to commit to a false image like that.

Friends and family have begun to organize an intervention for Sletter, hoping to finally shake the young woman of her destructive drinking habits.

In response, brewed Awakenings and Saxby’s both deployed rapid retaliation spec ops forces to protect the integrity of their profit margin. Their press release concerning their foray into black ops says only, “Long live the Free Market.”

As of press time, Sletter was visibly shaking, while reassuring friends that she was fine and the shaking was just because she had just eaten a bit of human flesh.

Students Wear Gym clothes more, exercise less during Finals

By Carolyn Beatty

Students at the University of Delaware have been seen lately sporting less-than-casual wear. The exceptionally comfortable clothes appear to be a result of a strange phenomenon known as “finals.”

“Finals are a stressful time,” says junior Alyssa Pinto. “gym clothes offer a special sense of comfort that no amount of coffee can provide.”

Pinto offers shocking insight about comfort, seeing as coffee is a known stimulant.blaming the outfit change on “finals,” students appear to be wearing more gym attire, complete with sweatbands for the forehead and wrists. The proper use of gym

clothes entails students sporting this attire in order to work off th extra stress that accompany finals. However, the Little bob has been deserted for weeks.

Investigative reporters from The Black Sheep took this matter seriously and decided to see where students were, if not at the gym. The first place checked was the Hugh Morris Library. Students normally flock to “Club Morris” during midterms and finals in the hopes of better concentrating on the task of studying. Finding no students in the library shocked reporters more than the deserted newly built gym.

Where are these students hiding and why are they wearing such relaxed clothing?

I t t u r n s o u t most students a r e w e a r i n g c o m f o r t a b l e c l o t h e s t o accompany their television binge-watching. Rather than taking the appropriate time

to study for exams, students are turning to the boob tube as a means of relaxing and to help avoid any stressful thoughts about getting out of shape, studying for or actually taking finals.

Freshmen across campus responded to this idea with mass confusion.

“Who has time for TV right now!? That’s what our three-month winter break is for,” says freshman Pat Mahaffy spews. “Final exams are the most important thing in the entire world right now, I just…” Mahaffy was cut off as he collapsed to the ground in a state of shock and terror.

However, reports from senior Jamie Roberts clarify this phenomenon: “I worked hard all semester, I deserve a break right now. It will be a miracle if I can actually make it to all of my exams this time,” she said. “At least I can run to Smith faster in my yoga pants than in my jeans. Hey, bonus! I can get a little workout in too. Now before I work up a sweat thinking about that final too much, I need to finish The Wire.”

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Katie Worshaw was declared a bio-terror-ist and faced legal action last Friday after spreading her cold to her roommate, Sarah Doggen. While the investigation is ongoing, rumors spread that Worshaw purposefully dealt with her illness in an irresponsible way, causing it to infect her least favorite roommate.

Worshaw displayed cold-like symptoms, such as sneezing and coughing, last Monday. Doggen began to display simi-lar symptoms on Thursday evening, fully experiencing them Friday afternoon.

“I’m so scared. Katie got really pissed at me last week ‘cause I spilled beer on a dress I borrowed, and now, she might kill me with one more cough. All she had to do is lick my silverware or sneeze on my computer and bOOM, now I’m slowly dy-ing” said Doggen.

“All I did was steal a bit of her mac and cheese when she wasn’t looking. That’s hardly a big deal,” said Worshaw.

The girls’ third roommate Megan Lau-rence came to The Black Sheep with the story.

“I’m stuck in the middle of this! It’s so hard. I want to support Katie, but she maliciously spread her cold to Sarah. I want to support Sarah because she’s the victim, but I’m afraid Katie might get me too. This is why you DON’T live with your friends gUYS!” said Laurence.

Worshaw reportedly went to the Student Health Center to get her cold checked out after it persisted for a few days. Stu-dent Health recorded “another hung-over one” in their record books alongside Worshaw’s name.

Noticing that Student Health “was not going to do anything,” Doggen reported the terrorist activity to the UDPD. The fol-lowing day, Worshaw’s room was covered in caution tape.

“Who does that?! I came home and it looks like Hot Topic attacked my room,” said Worshaw.

UDPD measured the levels of cold-tox-icity and confirmed the measurements were equal to chemical warfare.

The UDPD reached out to the CDC, who then secretly reported to the UN about Worshaw’s actions.

“We at the UN absolutely forbid the use of chemical weapons against innocent people. Once we heard about the ru-mors of possible bio-terrorist warfare in Newark, we immediately began an in-vestigation. Let it be known that no acts of virus-ridden crime will fly by the UN,” said UN security representative, Chuck Melar. “Absolutely, it must end. If we need to step in, then so be it. Oh — I must go now though, I have a Syria conference to attend.”

After a scolding email from the UN, Wor-shaw’s email was searched by the NSA for possible tips on terrorist actions. Addi-tionally, her email was scanned for virtual anthrax.

“This is ridiculous! I think I accidentally sneezed on Sarah? I don’t know! I want to not be followed by the government any-more!” said Worshaw.

Worshaw, who lives in Indiana, then was placed on the no-fly list by the TSA. Wor-shaw’s family expects her for winter break but must now find alternative transport.

“A weapon? My baby? Maybe if she sharp-ened her mind and beat people with her words, but never with chemical warfare!” said hopeful mother Mary Worshaw

Worshaw additionally can no longer at-tend her organic chemistry classes she shares with Doggen due to the possibility that she might infect the studies.

“I can’t even go to class anymore! How can I learn? How can I make my mom proud? Most importantly, how do I prove to everyone that I’m not a walking virus-rocket? This is by far the worst side-effect to my cold, and the most passive-aggres-sive I’ve ever seen a roommate get,” said Worshaw.

While more reports come in and rumors are verified, we at The Black Sheep will deepen our own investigation in order to get to the bottom of this heinous crime.

JUnioR giRl DeclaReD

“bio-teRRoRist”BY: shannon Poulsen

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Grocery ShoppingSpending my firSt year in a ___1___ apartment is overall exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about; grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, pick-ing up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine how ___8___ I was when I stepped into ___9___.

I was like… ___10___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with, I can only presume, ___11___ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start.

I saw a wall of candy from across the store and ___12___ my way over there faster than a ___13___ girl swallows a lemon drop. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___14___ and ___15___ and ___16___! Like a ___17___ in heat, I dived in___18___-first into one of those bins of ___19___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___20___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___21___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___22___ and got a concussion. Scary!

So I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___23___ for the rest of the year!

madlib

1: Popular apartment complex2: Synonym for good3: Push-over relative4: Meat5: Breakfast pastry6: Type of cheese7: Vegetable8: Synonym for confused9: Local grocery store10: Basic vegetable11: Drug

12: Verb13: Sorority14: Gummy candy15: Type of nut16: Weird grain or legume17: Wild animal18: Body part19: Favorite candy20: Old celebrity21: Nationality22: Hard candy23: Crappy fast food

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Delaware - Issue 7 - 12/5/2013