Death and Grief: Helping in Congregations

Helen Harris, LCSW, DCSWCenter for Family and Community

Ministries: May 21, 2009

Loss and Grief…everyone is an expert

• Kinds of losses

• Own experiences

• Theory

• Practice

• Take Aways for Today

Some Definitions

• Loss

• Bereavement

• Grief

• Mourning

Challenges: Societal Attitudes….

• Medicine should have an answer for every problem….especially the enemy of death

• If it doesn’t involve death of a person, it isn’t loss.

• Dependence on others is a burden………

Supported by church processes….

• The Prayer List• Food in crisis• Celebration and

Pollyanna• Out of sight, out of

mind• Defining needs

For example….Loss of Health and Independence…Needs of the

Dying…• Presence

• Honesty

• Hope

• Symptom Management

• Value

• Opportunity to complete unfinished business

Sometimes, it happens badly

• When we judge• When we prescribe• When we

“celebrate”only• When we excuse• When we abandon• When we think we

know just how someone feels

We know………….

• Each person’s grief is unique.

• Each person’s experience is his or hers alone.

• Each experience is unlike any other.

• So, I can never know exactly how someone else feels.

“Though united in that we are grieving, we grieve differently. As each death has its own character, so each grief over a death has its own character, its own inscape.”

Nick WolterstorffLament for a Son

We also know….

• There are some commonalities in loss and grief

• It helps not to walk the path alone

• Plethora of books of person’s experiences

• The development of theory– Kubler-Ross– Worden

First: Grief is Normative

• Consider the age of the bereaved

• Consider the relationship with the lost person or object

• Consider the circumstances of the loss

• Consider the degree of change in day to day life experienced by the bereaved

• Consider the support available

• Consider the bereaved’s history with crisis

EK Ross Model and Keys

• Shock/Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Despair

• Acceptance

Grief impacts us holistically…

These five needs overlap.Social, Physical, Cognitive, Emotional, Spiritual

Grief Takes Time

• Whole first year is one loss after another• Beware of special occasions and holidays all

year• Uncomplicated mourning is normally 2-3 years• Complicated mourning may be a 5-7 year

process.• Grief continues for a lifetime through major life

milestones.

Grief is Work:Worden’s Four Tasks

• Experience the reality of the loss

• Experience the pain of the loss

• Adjust to an environment without the deceased

• Withdraw emotional energy from the deceased and invest it in new relationship(s)

We CAN help…………

Tangibles

• Be present• Mark your calendar for the entire year of

difficult days• Call and send cards• Do concrete tasks….lawn, meals, errands• Assess and refer when needed• Memorialize• Don’t be afraid of tears

Self Care for Ministers

• The Jesus Model: Get away

• The Jesus Model: Say No

• The Jesus Model: Name it

• The Jesus Model: Cry

• The Jesus Model: Spend time with friends

• The Jesus Model: Pray

Why do this work?

• Calling….

• The blessing of being invited into people’s lives when they are most vulnerable

• The opportunity to see courage and strength

• The richness of life intersecting with eternity

The beginning….

• This is the church.• This is the steeple.• Open it up…• And see all the

people.