Dear Boris Johnson

7/27/2019 Dear Boris Johnson

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Dear Boris Johnson,

Salve!

First of all, I wish to congratulate you both on your victory in retaining stewardship of London, and

the good work you have done in your post. Your promotion of public transport is especially

heartening given both the health risks inherent in the choking smog of the vast majority of modern

metropolises, and the ever-growing threat to our ursine friends in the Arctic Circle that their homes

might all but dissipate, leaving their habitats as an accurate portrayal of the picture on the front of a

bag of Fox’s Glacier Mints. You are, therefore, concertedly a man of action. It is for this reason that I

write to you concerning a matter of the utmost importance, and I hope that you accept my invitation

to take on one of the heaviest burdens a person could carry in modern academia.

As far as I am aware, you yourself are an Oxford graduate and indeed a Balliol man. I, for my part am

a member of Wadham, and I have to say given the almost fetishistic fascination with orgies,

Bacchantes and the like, the classicists do tend to fit in with the stereotype that the rest of Oxford

has always held us to. In any case, ceterum censeo Cantabrigia esse delendam. You have studied

some of the greatest empires of antiquity, and this is why I wish to extend to you an invitation to

govern a great empire of this great city. A veritable cyber-state, with its own citizens and frequently

a law unto itself, I refer you to the perennially popular Facebook group, “Overheard at Oxford Uni”.

I doubt much has changed since your day, with regards to the fact that procrastination, such as

writing absurd letters to extremely busy public officials, is effectively a national sport (insofar as

Oxford University is its own country). On this Facebook group, bored students recount the odd

snippets that they have heard around the city, divorced from any context that might give them

merit, and then whoring them out for the inexplicably popular currency that is the Facebook “like”.

This might seem bizarre, so I refer you to some of our timeless classics:

It’s not just the PPE students who understand how important polls are.



Apparently this is a perennial problem at Fresher’s. Each other stand thinks the other is weird…

I think we can both agree this is a highly common sentiment experienced by all Oxonians.

All in all, it’s very good harmless fun. However, a group of this size simply cannot exist without good

leadership. I am the sole administrator of this page and already I struggle with a plethora of

individuals with questionable veracity of identity attempting to sell poor quality trainers, ineffectivelife coaching, and student deals (bizarrely enough) from Birmingham. On top of this, there are

individuals who feel as if their “banter” and “laddishness” is best demonstrated by sitting in their

room boasting about such feats to 12,000 disinterested onlookers.

In any case, one man should not have so much power. I opened up a democratic poll to the citizens

of Overheard, a referendum if you like to select their new leader. The forum has spoken; by a clear

majority, the procrastinators of today (and hopefully bright minds of the future) have chosen you to

be their leader. I am duty bound by their decision to extend an invitation to you to become the

Overlord of Overheard at Oxford Uni. You are the man who brought back the Routemaster;

hopefully banning a few plebeians from selling knock-off designer sunglasses should not be toomuch of a challenge to your abilities.



This is where we decided we wanted you to be our new king.

I appreciate you are a busy man, and what with your consistently excellent personal popularity

ratings you expect a career in mainstream politics for many years to come; something that I, as

somewhat of a “BoJo” fan, am all too pleased to see come to fruition. However, if it should be the

case that stewarding a principality on par in terms of population size with many large towns should

prove to be too much of a responsibility at this time, it would at least be a great honour should you

become our figurehead.

Ubi nihil erit quod scribas, id ipsum scribito.

Yours,

Joseph Miles

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Dear Boris Johnson