Darling, You Can't Do Both by Janet Kestin & Nancy Vonk

8/11/2019 Darling, You Can't Do Both by Janet Kestin & Nancy Vonk

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Darling, YouCant Do BothAnd Other Noise to

Ignore on Your Way Up

JANET KESTIN AND NANCY VONK


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Darling, You Cant Do BothCopyright 2014 by Swim Program Inc.

All rights reserved.

Published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

First Edition

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publisher,

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, orsales promotional use through our Special Markets Department.

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd2 Bloor Street East, 20th Floor

Toronto, Ontario, CanadaM4W 1A8

www.harpercollins.ca

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publicationinformation is available upon request.

ISBN 978-1-55468-581-3

Printed and bound in the United StatesRRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1


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For Farokh Monajem and Katharine Miller,

the angels on our shoulders from the rst to the last.


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CONTENTS Introduction 1

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N: If you have a life, youre not working hard enough. 13

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N :

Gender bias is an issue of the past. Moving on, ladies. 41


Mentoring is an act of charity. 59

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Good things come to those who wait. 79

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Nice girls dont get in your face . 103

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Because youre not worth it. 127

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Ill do it myself, thanks. 153

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Darling, you cant do both. 177

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N : Stay safe. 201


Networking is for men. 227


To win, you have to play the game. 253

R U L E T O B E B R O K E N: Ambition is a straight line to the top. 279

Acknowledgments 293

Notes 297


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Introduction

Our story is a counterintuitive one. We spent our advertising

careers breaking rules, challenging the status quo and prod-

ding others to do the same. But rather than punishment, we found

reward, with ever-bigger leadership roles. Ironic, considering that

we started as two women who had exactly no ambition to be the

leaders of anything; we just wanted to do good work, enjoy life with

friends and family and have fun along the way. In the advertisingbusiness, this is more likely to help you beat a path to early retire-

ment than the corner suite. But we found that ignoring the norms

of our business put us on the fast track, not the bread line. Much

of our success has come not in spite of motherhood but because of

it. Were women who had to be pushed through the glass ceiling by


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others (including men). And we never would have become leaders

if we hadnt done it together: two, two, two mints in one.

This isnt to say it was a glass-smooth journey.Over our longcareer together, our rule-breaking ways landed us in trouble. Often.

But we wouldnt have done it any other way. And this career-making

strategy started with a bar of soap.

The litmus testIn the early 1990s, as a newly minted creative team, we managed

to incur the disdain of the advertising establishment right out of

the gate when we shattered some time-honored rules in creating

a campaign called Dove Litmus Test. It proved to be pioneering.

Not only did we help sell a stupid amount of soap, but Litmus

paved the way for Doves Campaign for Real Beauty, which reached

millions of people and sparked a global debate about our cultures

warped denition of beauty. For us, it ignited a personal interest in

looking much more closely at what women are up against at home

and at work.

The tipping point for Dove, and our careers, came when thebrands thirty-ve-year-old patent expired. Our new client at

Lever, Peter Elwood, was worried that a competitor had a clone in

the works. This was the rst time in years that Doves comfy spot at

the top of the soap aisle looked shaky. We agreed with him: the bar

with 1/4 moisturizing cream needed a face-lift.Because we were new to Doves marketing team, Peter thought


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we should understand the product fundamentals. He organized a

technical brieng where people in lab coats gave us a crash course

on all the unique aspects of the bar wed grown up with. We learnedthat Dove isnt a soap, technically. It has a non-soap ingredient

developed during World War II to clean the skin of burn victims.

Because of that, Dove is pH neutral, one of the fundamental rea-

sons its easier on skin: It doesnt strip away skin oils like soaps do.

Squeaky clean skin is actually dried out, easily irritated.Which soaps?

All soaps.

Do you remember those yellow litmus papers from high school

science class? Our new friends in the Lever lab told us that if you

pressed one up against a wet bar of Dove, it wouldnt change color

because Dove is pH neutral, while other soaps would instantly turn

the strip dark blue, indicating high alkalinity. They showed us the

jolting color change with ve or six soaps, including a baby soap,

to demonstrate that they were all about the same when it came to

pH. They gave us examples of things that are alkaline, things that

are acidic and things that are pH neutral, for context. Their littlechemistry lesson was a gripper. This was an unexpected way to see

the big difference between Dove and all its competitors, but we

had to try it ourselves to really believe it. We swept dozens of soaps

off the shelf at a nearby drugstore and took over a boardroom back

at the ofce to do our own pH tests. Those little yellow papersturned ink blue again and again and again. Every single bar had


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about the same pH as Mr. Clean. No, that didnt mean theyd peel

the skin off the user. But that level of alkalinity struck us as rather

aggressive. We felt duped by those brands ads that blathered onabout how mild, gentle, natural and pure their product was.

Sitting on overstuffed couches at Janets house with Persian tea in

hand, we generated a carpet of quickly sketched storyboards as we

tackled the advertising challenge. In a single morning we decided

to pitch a campaign to Peter that would recreate in the minds of TV viewers the exact feeling we had when we did the test. The

campaign we produced was literally a litmus test. Unlike any Dove

ad before it, Litmus didnt show any women, save for a hand. And

in another unconventional move, there was no voice commenting

on what was happening to lead the viewer, because we wanted this

story to be told objectively. Finally, we didnt end with the pour

shotthe sacred sign-off through decades of Dove commercials,

where moisturizer is magically poured into the shape of a bar ofDove. In this context we thought it would seem gimmicky and

distracting. The headline in magazine ads asked, Do you really

need the alkalinity of a household cleaner to wash your face? Thereader could write away for free litmus paper so she could test her

own brand. She didnt need to take our word for it, she could see for

herself and decide how she felt.

The campaign was perceived as an enormous risk by top brass at

both Ogilvy & Mather, our agency, and Lever in New York. They were not impressed when they saw what we were doing in Canada.


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We were breaking rules that had been carved in stone not only for

Dove but for the larger world of advertising. David Ogilvy, the leg-

endary agency founder, had famously created Doves rst ad cam-paign. Who were we to mess with decades of success?

Ogilvy himself wrote a scolding letter saying science wont sell.

But the consumer didnt see it that way. Dove sales went through

the roof and their main competitors took a nosedive. The cam-

paign reframed Dove and challenged the way other brands weretalking to women. It gave them a compelling, intelligent reason to

buy a product and didnt condescend to female stereotypes.

Litmus was the blueprint for our success. It was about risk

taking and authenticity. There was reward for nding inspiration

in unconventional places, listening to unconventional voices and

speaking the truth.

Weve now worked together for over twenty years, thirteen in the

chief creative ofcers role at Ogilvy Toronto. Weve been named

ad women of the year, been handed lifetime achievement awards

and won many of the ad industrys most prestigious honors (just go

with us here: ads, prestigious and honorscan all belong in thesame sentence). We speak at events around the world, and some nice

people call us role models. Today we run our own company, Swim,

a creative leadership lab. Were authors (Pick Me ) and longtime

career advice columnists (Ask Jancy) on ihaveanidea.org. We sit on

boards. Weve made it, by most standards. But along the way, wevestruggled with many of the issues commonly faced by women in


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the workplace: poor self-esteem, missed networking opportunities,

gender bias, the chronic guilt and exhaustion of balancing career

and kids. It wasnt a straight line upward on a career graph, and thelows were plenty low. We stumbled, fell, stumbled, rose, tripped,

ew. In part because we had each other, in part thanks to the faith

of others, in part because of real hard work, but mostly because we

didnt know what we didnt know : we were unconsciously breaking

The Rules all the time.

Redening the game

As two of the very few female leaders in a notoriously sexist indus-

try, weve got perspective on whats in your way, and we think it

will serve you no matter what eld youre in. There are many excel-

lent books, countless articles and other tools out there, designed

to make a difference. (We had classics likeGames Mother Never

Taught Youon our bookshelves even as students in the 1970s.) But

we wanted to try to address some big gaps we see in the dialogue

about gender in the workplace, and in the comprehension of whats

really at play today. Theres still much more to talk about. We knowenlightenment alone isnt enough; we want to share ideas that will

help you build a new plan.

If most women cant have it all, we can have it a whole bunch,

to quote Shelly Lazarus, chairman emeritus of Ogilvy & Mather.

And we believe that a big step in the right direction is putting ablowtorch to outdated rules that dont serve us.I ts time to think a


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little differently. What if you ignored ofce politics, took a solemn

vow of authenticity and spoke your truth no matter how painful

the short-term consequences? What if you asked your boss for what you need to succeed, even as you head out on maternity leave?

What if you prioritized mentoring others, even, by all appearances,

over your own personal advancement? What if the best people right

out of school, packed with ideas and navet, could collaborate with

the most seasoned for the perfect combustion of creativity to solveproblems? And what if, once the leader, you created a culture of

teamwork instead of fostering the typical model of be the hero?

For us, doing these things translated to long-term success.

We had to stop our self-sabotaging behaviorsrules of our own

makingthat tripped us up as surely as any external force. Ever

nd yourself cleaning up after a client meeting, playing out the

woman-as-caretaker role, while your male counterparts snag a few

extra minutes networking in the lobby? Maybe you hold back from

expressing a strong opinion because youre worried that people will

think youre too aggressive; after all, nice girls dont get in your face.

Or maybe youre run ragged, not ring on all cylinders at the jobbecause you do the lions share of the housework and child care

even if your partner offers to do more.

Maybe, like the younger version of Nancy, you dont think gender

bias is an issue in your career. Maybe you feel that if you put your

head down and work really hard, youll get the life and career youdream of. Weve been there, done that, and heres the T-shirt: Hard


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Work Isnt Enough. There are other forces at play in the working

world, and women need to get a better handle on them if we have

any hope of creating careers and lives that truly fulll us. Advertising isnt just about coming up with the Big Idea. Its

about rst taking the time to truly understand the target of the

brands youre working for. In our case, that target was usually

women. Weve spent decades studying womens experiences and

often maddening challenges. And weve had the opportunity tocoach and mentor scores of women through many of those chal-

lenges. Heres what we know: there are a lot of women who could

use a better understanding of workplace issuesthe ones that make

them frustrated, angry, confused, paralyzed. That takes a clear-eyed

look at a very big factor: those XX chromosomes you were born

with. For better and worse, gender is playing a part in the career

of every woman at every level. Yes, still. Sometimes itsnot just

you its your gender at play when things go badly. And until youre

aware of that, youre ying blind.

Seeing and understanding the gender bias that may be invisible

to you right now is empowering. We want to help you see whatsreally going on around you, and what you may be doing yourself

thats putting potholes in the road. If you know where the land

mines are, you can act accordingly.

Youll hear a lot about our hope for more women in high places,

but we dont have an agenda for you to get to the top.Darling, YouCant Do Bothis for every woman whod like more career happiness,


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whatever her mission. More supposes youre not currently bound-

ing out of bed every morning, pointed straight at your goals with blue

sky, rainbows and unicorns marking the clear path to achieving them.

We still have work to do

Long after we joined the workforce in the 1980s, so many women

continue to have a drastically different experience than men. It

wasnt job done by the feminists of our youth. Were all in theirdebt, but they passed the baton with much left to do. Business was

created by men for men a zillion years ago, and women have been

in the workplace doing mens jobs for less than seven decades.

Maybe its to be expected that big problems linger, still directly in

your way.

Think of it this way: business is just not designed for female

success, despite the unique strengths we bring to the party. The

workplace model hasnt changed to suit us; were still square pegs in

round holes. Nothing underscores that like the stats: women hold

only about 4 percent of the worlds top jobsand that number

hasnt budged since Don Drapers day. The business world has its own set of rules, some explicit, others

invisible. These rules tell women how they should act and what

they shouldnt ask for or expect. These rules have created a norm

for female behavior in the workplace and punish those who dont

t the mold. And again and again, the rules suggest to

women that when it comes to motherhood and ambition, pick one.


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Motherhood isnt a word normally associated with success in

the business world, but it should be. When we became mothers, our

careers really took off. The same skills that make you a good mothercan make you better at your job and ideal for leadership roles. But

the ongoing reality is that a lot of us step back when we decide to

have kids. Theres a mass exodus of women from healthy careers

at that pointmaybe because we get signals from both male and

female employers that our value will dim when we return from matleave, or because we dont anticipate support for our pre-baby goals.

Meanwhile, at home, its still common to nd talented women with

partners who are unsupportive of their success. This is as likely to

hold back your advancement as anything at work.

It can look harder than ever to pull off the two-full-time-jobs thing

with unprecedented pressure to be perfect at both. Its easy to spot

women struggling to be Super Mom at home and Wonder Woman

in the workplace, where on top of new time management demands

theyre routinely penalized (right along with their not-mom female

co-workers) for being too feminine or too masculine and plagued by

reluctance to seize the spotlight or accept full credit for their work. Were here to tell you theres a lot you can do to get past the

obstacles and achieve your goals. And how about dialing up those

happiness levels? You dont have to follow the old rules. You can

bend them, break them, ignore them. This book is the how-to,

approached in the spirit of Greek wedding plate-smashing. Doneright, there should be some fun to it.


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Weve spent our careers in advertising, and many of the stories

in this book come from our industry. But its not just for Mad

Women. The tools and insights are going to be relevant and useful whether youre a professor, banker, lawyer, teacher, nurse, butcher,

baker, candlestick maker. The lessons inDarling are grounded in

both triumphs and epic fails, our own and others. Youll hear candid

voices from places like medicine, the arts, science, journalism and

entertainment. Theres the odd helicopter pilot. (Speaking of others, weve changed names and details in some instances, for the sake of

condentiality). To state the obvious: we dont have all the answers.

Were still learning every day, and we dont always walk the walk. Its

a journey.

Nothing in these pages is ultimate truth. But we can promise

you a big platter of food for thought, and well help equip you to

make more money, advance as far as you want to and enjoy your life.

Youll note two voices as you read: as with everything else weve

taken on since we rst joined forces at Ogilvy, this book was created

by both of us. You wont agree with everything we believe and sug-

gest. Robots singing in harmony isnt what were going for here. Wedont even always agree with each otherhow boring would that be?

When you come right down to it, we helped redene Doves

brand by reminding people it was different and that its difference

was its strength. Were going to try like hell to do the same for you.

Documents

Darling, You Can't Do Both by Janet Kestin & Nancy Vonk