Cyrano de

Bergeracby

joseph harper

an unnecessary ebook

Introduction

In France in the 1600s there was a man

named Cyrano de Bergerac. He is one

of my heroes kind of. He was famous

for being really good at sword fights

and also for having a big nose and also

for being a man of letters. He wrote

romance stories and love letters. He

was a musketeer. He came from the

Burgundy part of France, which is also

where Jack Kerouac’s family came

from. I actually think that Cyrano and

Jack Kerouac were pretty similar in that

they both kind of embraced this

supposed romance that they saw in the

world and didn’t seem to care whether

or not it was all in their head or not;

it felt real and intoxicating enough to

them. He only lived for thirty-six years,

but he must have fought in heaps and

heaps of duels. He could fight dozens

of guys at the same time and still just

absolutely annihilate them. Actually I

don’t know if any of this stuff is true.

I only know what I gathered from this

play that was written about him in the

late 19th century. In the play Cyrano is

this super articulate guy who is also

really revered. He has this massive

nose and is kind of sensitive about it.

He just cuts people up if he thinks they

are making fun of it. He is in love with

this girl named Roxane who is his

cousin. She likes this random guy

named Christian though and convinces

Cyrano to look after him. Then

something happens so that Cyrano has

to write these love letters and stuff like

that and give them to Christian to give

to Roxane so she will be wooed by him.

(because that’s the kind of thing that

is the most impressive to her). It’s a

romantic comedy with a tragic ending.

The play is the reason the word

‘panache’ became part of the English

lexicon.

In real life Cyrano died in 1655. He

died by a big piece of wood falling and

hitting him in the head. I decided to

rewrite some important scenes from

Cyrano de Bergerac’s life.

I Cyrano is born

A French woman is in labour in some

little house that has a roof made of

thatched hay. She is pushing out a

baby. It has crowned. She is pushing

really, really hard. There is a midwife.

The midwife is feeding the woman red

wine and sponging off her sweaty

forehead with a piece of white cheese.

“Come on baby.” says the woman.

“How much can you see of it?”

“I can see all of its forehead. It has a

good forehead.”

“It feels like it’s stuck. Is something

blocking it?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Jesus.”

The woman is so sweaty. She is the

sweatiest woman of all time. She

pushes and pushes and pushes and

her face goes red and her hair starts to

fall out and she is screaming like a big

bird. The midwife doesn’t understand

what is going on. She gets in really

close to the woman’s private parts to

see if she can figure it out. Then she

sees that the baby is actually being

blocked by its own massive nose. She

says, “Oh. Its nose is stopping it from

getting out.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. What can we do?”

“Um. I could cut off its nose?”

“No. God no. I’m not having some freak

kid with no nose.”

“It’s pretty big. I mean. He’ll probably

look kind of freakish anyway.”

“How do you now its a boy?”

“Because of his haircut.”

“Oh. Okay. I’ll try to push one more

time and if it doesn’t come out then

you can cut off the nose.”

“Okay. Cool.”

She pushes the biggest push of any

pregnant person and the baby rips

through her and out onto the floor. All

of the woman’s insides fall out of her

and she dies. The midwife vomits and

runs away. The baby is left to raise

itself.

II Cyrano and Roxane as little

kids

Cyrano is four years old. He has

enrolled himself in kindergarten and is

sitting in a sand-pit with his sexy

cousin Roxane (also four years old).

He has a toy sword and an orange. She

has big eyes.

He says, “Do you want some orange?”

“Yes. Thanks Cyrano.” she says. They

sit there eating orange. Roxane plays

with a digger. Cyrano looks at her and

is in love with her. A group of three

mothers come up to them.

“God.” says one mother.

“Yeah.” says another.

“That baby is disgusting because of its

nose.”

“Please don’t be mean about my

nose.” says Cyrano. “Please. It’s really

not nice.” and the mothers all laugh

and one of them pokes his nose and

they laugh way way more.

Cyrano becomes angry and takes his

toy sword and slashes at one of the

mothers’ shin. He cuts “CYRANO WAS

HERE” into it. They mothers all run

away. Cyrano is breathing heavily and

crying and grunting and his eyes are

all bloodshot. Roxane licks the orange

juice off of her fingers then pats Cyrano

on the head. The blood drains out of

Cyrano’s eyes and he calms down. He

looks at Roxane and she is the best

thing that exists.

III Cyrano is a fearsome adult and poetic guy

Cyrano is an adult musketeer and is

surrounded by a group of admirers and

is eating a macaroon and laughing. His

friend Ligniere comes up to him. Lig-

niere says, “Hello Cyrano.”

“Hello.”

“Um. Can you help me?”

“What?”

“I need a place to sleep tonight. Can I

sleep at your house?”

“Why?”

“I can’t go home because there is this

group of about one-hundred soldier

guys who want to munt me up.”

“Oh.”

“So can I stay at your house.”

Cyrano twiddles his moustache and

eats the macaroon. He says, “No. But

I’ll fuck up those hundred guys for

you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Why?”

“I feel like it’ll be good. I want to

show my panache.

I’ll be furious, and glitter like

lightning, so,

I need a whole army, to bring

them to their knees!

I’ve ten hearts: twenty arms: it’s

not enough for me

to split paltry dwarves in two... I

must have giants!”

“Okay. Then.”

A group of musketeers who are friends

with Cyrano come up to him. “We’ll

fight with you Cyrano.” they say.

“NO.” says Cyrano. “Just me.”

“I all alone, beneath this plume

that Glory herself lends to adorn

my hat,

proud as a Scipio, and triply-

nosed at that! ...

- You understand? It’s forbidden

to interfere! -

One, two three! Porter, open the

doors! We’re here!

Ah! ... Paris there, nocturnal, neb-

ulous almost:

over blue sloping roofs where

moonlight flows:

a set prepared, exquisitely, for

this scene:

there, beneath veils of vapour, is

the Seine,

a magic mirror filled full with mys-

tery,

that trembles…And you’ll see

what you will see!”

“Man. You are really cool, Cyrano.”

says Ligniere.

“Yeah. Okay. Lets go.” says Cyrano and

he walks off and is followed by all the

admirers. They all sing a song about

Cyrano’s panache.

IV Roxane doesn’t love Cyrano and

Christian is an idiot

Cyrano and Roxane are hanging out.

She says, “So. I’m in love.”

“Yeah?” (hopeful).

“Yeah. With Christian.”

“Yeah?” (dejected). Cyrano

internalises his grief. He will punch

himself in the thigh fifty times when

he gets home. All his fluids bubble and

turn into steam and fill him up up up

and his nose grows three inches.

“I want you to look after him because

all the other musketeers hate him.”

“Jeez. Okay. I guess I will.” Cyrano is

real real dark.

“Cool. Thanks Cyrano.” She pats him

on the head. He boils and boils and a

little bit of steam actually comes out

of his left ear. “Okay,” she says, “I’m

going to get some bread. Do you need

anything?”

“No. Thanks.”

She leaves and Cyrano just stands

there and is quiet and thoughtful and

sad. Then Christian comes over to him.

He says, “Hello Cyrano.”

“Hi.”

“Man. Your cousin’s pretty great.”

“Yeah. Obviously.”

“Yeah. So. I kind of, y’know, like her.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah. I mean. She’s really great.”

“She’s beyond great. She’s like the

moon or something. She’s celestial.”

“Yeah. Hey, I really want to impress

her. But I don’t know how to write

poetry or do any of the stuff that she

likes.”

“Right.”

“Do you think you could help me?”

“Jesus. Really?”

“Please.”

“Shit man. Okay. Um-”

“She’s coming! Please?”

“God. Okay. Just. Stand here, and I’ll

hide behind this rock and I’ll tell you

exactly what to say. Just say exactly

what I say. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you Cyrano.” Exit Cyrano

behind a rock.

Roxane comes in.

Christian halts her.

He speaks to her really soft and coy

and cute like a little dog. Every line and

sentiment is fed to him by Cyrano.

“So. Roxane. Um. I wanted to say.

Love grew within rocked in my

anxious soul… which that…cruel boy

took for…… a cradle! This ... new-born

babe Madame’s a young ... Hercules!

So that he…strangled easily the twin

snakes, of ... Pride and…Doubt!”

“That’s a pretty nice thing to say. But

why are you stuttering? You sound like

a friggen idiot with that stutter.”

It’s not going that good and so Cyrano

has an idea from behind the rock. He

jumps out behind Roxane and uses

his sword to cut her eyes up just a tiny

bit (so they can heal) and then pushes

Christian away and pretends to be him.

Roxane has bloody eyes.

He says, “Now I, I have a great heart,

you, a tiny ear. Besides the words you

speak fall swiftly here, mine climb,

Madame: that takes them quite a time!

You don’t know what these

moments are to me! Language has

never launched itself till now from my

heart, so truly. The moment comes, an

inevitable one, and I grieve for those

to whom it never comes, when we feel

that a noble love’s within us. I love,

I’m stifled, I love you! I’m maddened!

No more: I tell you, your name in my

heart’s a little bell and as I tremble,

Roxane, all the time, so all the time the

bell rings your name as its echo! I

remember all about you, love all of

it. Ah! How I’d give my happiness for

yours, though, even though you

yourself might never know if sometime

perhaps, far off, I might delight in the

happy laughter born of my sacrifice! -

Each look of yours excites a new virtue,

a new courage in me! Now at last do

you, begin to see? For you yourself, do

you allow? Can you feel my soul, at all,

rise through the shadow… Oh! But truly

this night’s too beautiful, too sweet!

I saying all this to you, you listening,

you, to me! Too sweet! In my dreams,

even the least humble I never hoped

for such! There’s nothing else to do but

die now!”

“Jesus.” she says.

“Yeah.” he says.

“I am yours. You have intoxicated me.”

Roxane reaches out her hands. Feeling

about for a body. Cyrano dodges her

advance and thrusts Christian into the

midst. She grasps him and they kiss

and kiss and kiss and kiss and Cyrano

looks at it and feels broken and dying.

He walks off.

V The death of Cyrano de

Bergerac

It is 1655. Roxane loves Christian still.

Cyrano is kind of bitter and middle-

aged. He is standing under a tall

buiding. Maybe it’s a church. He’s just

standing around, writing a sonnet or

something. A pigeon lands on a

wooden gargoyle. It sits for a bit. It

pecks at the ticks and the termites in

the gargoyle. It says, “coup coup.” It

flaps off suddenly and the force and

surprise of its violent wings set the

gargoyle wobbling. It wobbles and

wobbles and wobbles and falls. It

falls at terminal velocity at Cyrano de

Bergerac. It hits his skull and breaks

it. Blood comes out of Cyrano’s nose

like a heavy tide. His eyes roll back. His

brain is smashed.

Roxane comes running over. She

cradles her dead cousin and pats the

hole in his head, trying to cap it. She

has big eyes and they are sad.

Later she finds out that Cyrano wrote

all the love letters Christian ever gave

her and fed him the poetry he used to

make her love him.

Everybody in France is unhappy for a

while.

you’ve been reading an

unnecessaryebook