Up Your Self-esteem

Spring 2010

Marisa Mariano, MFT

“Beautiful” – Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM

• Silent reflection.

Objectives

• Be able to identify the concept and significance of factors which contribute to one’s self-esteem

• Develop an assessment of their personal self-esteem

• Evaluate and determine factors in their lives which have undermined their positive self-perception.

Agenda• 8:30-8:45 Attendance/Intro/community

agreements

• 8:45-9:00 Ice breaker

• 9:00-9:20 KWL

• 9:20-9:30 Self-esteem assessment

• 9:30-10:30 Class

• 10:30-10:45 Break

• 10:45-12:30 Class

Agenda (continued)

• 12:30-1:30 Lunch

• 1:30-3:00 Class

• 3:00-3:15 Break

• 3:15-4:15 Class

• 4:15-4:30 Closing

Community Agreements

• Confidentiality

• Step-up, step back

• Respect (agree to disagree)

• One mic

Ice breaker – Bonding Bingo

• We will be working closely together today and it is important that we begin the process of getting to know each other.

• Roam around the room and try to find as many classmates as you can who fit the descriptions on the back of this sheet. Each time you find someone, introduce yourself, then write his or her name in the square. Try to remember their faces, too.

•  The rules are:• You may use each person’s name no more than once.• You may not use your own name.• The first student to fill in all of the squares on the sheet

wins! 

• HAVE FUN!!!

Let’s get started…

“KWL”• K – What I know about self-

esteem…• W – What I want to learn about

upping my self-esteem…• L – What I learned today…

Self-esteem assessmentStatement Strongl

y agreeAgree Disagre

eStrongly Disagre

e1. I feel I am a person of worth, at least on an equal plane as others

2. I feel I have a number of good qualities.

3. All in all I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

4. I am able to do things as well as most other people.

5. I feel that I do not have much to be proud of

6. I take a positive attitude towards myself.

7. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

8. I wish I could have more respect for myself.

9. I certainly feel useless at times.

10. At times, I think I am no good at all.

Your score on the Rosenberg

Self-esteem assessment• Scores are calculated as follows:

• For items 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7:• Strongly agree = 3• Agree = 2• Disagree = 1• Strongly Disagree = 0

• For items 3, 5, 8, 9 and 10• Strongly agree = 0• Agree = 1• Disagree = 2• Strongly Disagree = 3

What does my score mean?

• **Remember self-esteem is not set and can decrease or increase depending on your current life experience/situation

• The scale ranges from 0 – 30

• Scores between 15 – 25 are within normal range.

• Scores below 15 suggest low self-esteem

Let’s watch a video clip…

• “Dead Poets Society” – Peter Weir• Robin Williams• Ethan Hawke• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meLjxRTg8A&feature=related (5:44-

8:01)

• Synopsis: Set in a well-respected prep school in 1959. Several of the students, have their thoughts on the learning process (and life itself) changed when a new teacher comes to the school. John Keating (Williams) is an unconventional educator who introduces his students to poetry, and his free-thinking attitude and the liberating philosophies of the authors he introduces to his class have a profound effect on his students, especially Todd (Ethan Hawke), who would like to be a writer; Neil (Robert Sean Leonard), who dreams of being an actor, despite the objections of his father; Knox (Josh Charles), a hopeless romantic; Steven (Allelon Ruggiero), an intellectual who learns to use his heart as well as his head. Keating urges his students to seize the day and live their lives boldly.

Reflection questions

• How much do you think Todd believes in himself?

• How strong do you think Todd’s self-esteem is (1-10)? How can you tell?

• How successful do you think Todd will be if he doesn’t increase his self-esteem?

• Why is strong self-esteem important in college and life?

Some definitions of self-esteem

• Self-esteem is the ability to value one’s self and to treat one’s self with dignity, love, and respect. – Virginia Satir

• Self-esteem is the experience of being capable of managing life’s challenges and being worthy of happiness. – National Council for Self-Esteem

• Self-esteem is the capacity to experience maximal self-love and joy whether or not you are successful at any point in your life. – David Burns

• Self-esteem is the feeling that we are worthwhile in our personal, social, and work lives.  It comes from feeling loved and respected as a child in our family, by friends, and at school. – Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

• Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves. – Nathaniel Brandon

What are some key impacts on one’s self-

esteem?• Childhood envir0nment, experiences, and relationships

• Core beliefs

• Healthy and Unhealthy boundaries

• Perfectionism

Childhood

• Relationships with parents and others

• Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)

Relationships with parents and others

• Unconditional positive regard vs. conditional positive regard

• Acknowledgment and identifying positive and negative messages we carry with us

• Amount of praise and encouragement = level of self-esteem

Effects of abuse

• Any type of abuse or trauma has impact on self-esteem

• Abuse is an invasion of personal boundaries

• What is abuse and its impact on boundaries?

Two common reactions to coping with abuse

• Withdrawl (left afraid to feel, connect and make a mistake)• Disassociate• Shy and introverted• Emotionally shut down

• Defense (build a wall and forced to keep up an act)• Angry• Controlling• Sarcastic or funny• Overachiever

Ways to work through

abuse/trauma…• Be honest about our abuse

• Forgive those who hurt us

• Surrender our coping mechanisms

• Embrace the truth about who we really are

• Join a safe community

Core beliefs

• Messages we hear in our childhood in various environments may become core beliefs that we carry with us in our adulthood.

• What are core beliefs?

• Core beliefs affect your inner monologue.

• These core beliefs impact our ability to succeed in life and the relationships we make.

• These core beliefs can become twisted/distorted thinking or illogical thoughts.

Distorted Thinking

Let’s look an example:

Meet Tyrone

Just lost job

Now depressed and anxious

Negative thoughts (in bubble)

Now its your turn

Victim vs. CreatorsVictims (Inner critic):

• Focus on weaknesses

• Make excuses

• Complain

• Compare themselves unfavorably to others

• Blame

• See problems as permanent

• Repeat ineffective behaviors

• Try

• Predict defeat and give up

Creators (rebuttals):

• Focus on how to improve

• Seek solutions

• Turn complaints into requests

• Seek help from those more skilled

• Accept responsibility

• Treat problems as temporary

• Do something new

• Do

• Think positively and look for a better choice

Boundaries

• What are boundaries?• Emotional and physical space between

you and another person.

• The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. 

• Examples of healthy boundaries…

Unhealthy boundaries

• Signs of unhealthy boundaries:

• Over Enmeshment

• Disassociation

• Excessive Detachment

• Victimhood and Martyrdom

• Chip on the Shoulder

• Aloofness or shyness

• Smothering

• Lack of privacy

Building healthier boundaries

• Unhealthy

• “I can never say ‘no’ to others”

• “It is my duty to hold them together.”

• It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

• I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.

• I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy

family or group.

• Healthy

• “I have the right to say ‘no’ to others if it’s a violation of my rights”

• “I have the right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together, its up to each individual to try”.

• I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated.

• _________________________________

• __________________________________

Assertiveness

• A key to building boundaries is learning to be assertive.

• Let’s look at the different types of communication people have (refer to handout):• Assertive• Passive• Aggressive• Passive aggressive

Activity

“Four corners”

What is perfectionism?

• People who are perfectionists:

• have standards and expectations that are very difficult or impossible to meet.

• Are associated with having standards that are so high that they actually interfere with performance.

• Often experience anxiety and depression.

Perfectionism vs. A healthy pursuit of

excellencePerfectionism vs.

• 1. You feel stressed and driven and motivated by the fear of failure.

• 2.Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you.

• 3.You feel you must impress others with you intelligence or accomplishments to get them to like and respect you.

• 4.If you make a mistake of fail to achieve an important goal, you become self-critical and feel like a failure as a human being.

• You think you must always be strong and in control of your emotions.

Healthy pursuit of excellence

• 1. You feel creative and motivated by feelings of enthusiasm.

• 2.Your efforts give you feelings of joy and satisfaction.

• 3.You do not feel that you have to earn love or friendship by impressing people. You know that people will accept you as you are.

• 4. You are not afraid to make mistakes. You see failure as an opportunity for growth and learning.

• You are not afraid to be vulnerable or share your feelings with others.

Areas prone to perfectionism

• Performance at work and school

• Neatness and Aesthetics

• Organization and ordering

• Writing

• Speaking

• Physical appearance

• Health and personal cleanliness

Perfectionism Exercise

• Choose one of the following beliefs listed below and write it at the top of the Attitude Cost-Benefit Form.• “I must always try to be perfect.”• “People will think less of me if I fail or

make a mistake.”• “I must be outstanding to be worthwhile

and loved by others.”

• List the advantages and disadvantages of that attitude.

Ways to boost self-esteem

• Let’s revisit Todd from “Dead Poets Society”

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meLjxRTg8A&feature=related

• How would you rate Todd’s self-esteem now?

• If you think it is higher now, why?

• Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to go up in a matter of only a few minutes?

6 steps to improving your self-esteem

• 1) Recognize and acknowledge

• 2) Don’t be so hard on yourself

• 3) Be positive

• 4) Reward yourself

• 5) Take care of your health

• 6) Be patient

Recap

• Let’s role play to have a better understanding…Break into groups of 2-3

• Each group will be given a prompt.

• As a group you will act out your prompt, the class will guess what you are trying to portray.

• Discussion

Art activity

• Upper left: Something your good at

• Upper right: Something you are trying to improve

• Middle left: Your most prized material possession

• Middle right: You most prized non-material possession

• Lower left: Your future career

• Lower right: 3 qualities you aspire to

• **Remember use only symbols except for the 3 qualities

On an index card write…

•I am a ___________, ____________, and ____________ (man/woman/student).

I would like to leave you with this…

• Everybody wears sunscreen…

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&feature=PlayList&p=7E7CAFB3CC0B5324&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3