C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKC.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKLecture 16bLecture 16b

TALK, TALK, TALK!TALK, TALK, TALK!

BASIC FORM OF HEAVY BASIC FORM OF HEAVY

C.O.N.T.R.O.L.C.O.N.T.R.O.L. • YOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGES

• LABELS - “YOU’RE AN IDIOT”LABELS - “YOU’RE AN IDIOT”• COMMANDS - “DO IT”- COMMANDS - “DO IT”- YOU IS UNSPOKENYOU IS UNSPOKEN

• JUDGMENT - “YOU’RE WRONG”JUDGMENT - “YOU’RE WRONG”

• BLAME - “YOU MADE ME..”BLAME - “YOU MADE ME..”

• ACCUSATION-“YOU DON’T CARE” ACCUSATION-“YOU DON’T CARE”

YOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGES1. FOCUS ON THE 1. FOCUS ON THE PERSONPERSON RATHER THAN RATHER THAN

THE BEHAVIOUR/SITUATIONTHE BEHAVIOUR/SITUATION

2. IS A DISGUISED 2. IS A DISGUISED FEELINGFEELING STATEMENT STATEMENT

3. PLACES 3. PLACES BLAMEBLAME RATHER THAN PROBLEM RATHER THAN PROBLEM SOLVESSOLVES

4. OTHER HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO 4. OTHER HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO DEFENDDEFEND

5.5. AVOIDS OWNERSHIPAVOIDS OWNERSHIP - INVADES OTHERS’ - INVADES OTHERS’ SPACE - MAKES THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR SPACE - MAKES THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGSYOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND INFLUENCEC.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND INFLUENCE

• HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. • PERSUASION IN RELATIONSHIPS STUDYPERSUASION IN RELATIONSHIPS STUDY• COUPLES ASKED “DOES ONE OF YOU CONTROL?”COUPLES ASKED “DOES ONE OF YOU CONTROL?”

– IF YES,IF YES,

• CONTROLLER USED HEAVY TACTICSCONTROLLER USED HEAVY TACTICS• ““NON-CONTROLLER” USED LIGHT TACTICS.NON-CONTROLLER” USED LIGHT TACTICS.• IF BOTH SAID YES - RATIONAL BARGAINING, IF BOTH SAID YES - RATIONAL BARGAINING,

COMPROMISECOMPROMISE• LOW SELF-ESTEEMLOW SELF-ESTEEM - CAN’T BELIEVE SIMPLE - CAN’T BELIEVE SIMPLE

REQUEST WILL WORK - REQUEST WILL WORK - SO USE HARD TACTICSSO USE HARD TACTICS

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. & THE PUNCTUATION C.O.N.T.R.O.L. & THE PUNCTUATION PROBLEMPROBLEM

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. & THE PUNCTUATION C.O.N.T.R.O.L. & THE PUNCTUATION PROBLEMPROBLEM

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS:INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS:• CONTINUOUSCONTINUOUS• OVERLAPPING, INTERWEAVED OVERLAPPING, INTERWEAVED

COMMUNICATION CYCLESCOMMUNICATION CYCLES• COMPLEXCOMPLEX• MULTI-CAUSAL MULTI-CAUSAL • HARD TO ACCEPT - PARTICULARLY WHEN HARD TO ACCEPT - PARTICULARLY WHEN

THINKING AND FEELING DEFENSIVELYTHINKING AND FEELING DEFENSIVELY• SO WE SIMPLIFY, SO WE SIMPLIFY, PUNCTUATEPUNCTUATE

THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOPTHE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP

• WE GO FOR HEAVYWE GO FOR HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

• ““CIRCLE” BECOMES CIRCLE” BECOMES CHAIN OF CAUSE CHAIN OF CAUSE AND EFFECT AND EFFECT

• ““YOUR BEHAVIOR YOUR BEHAVIOR CAUSED MY CAUSED MY REACTION” REACTION”

• I NEED TO SEE I NEED TO SEE MYSELF AS “RIGHT” MYSELF AS “RIGHT” OR OK!OR OK!

THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOPTHE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

• THREE APSECTS OF STRUGGLE OVER THREE APSECTS OF STRUGGLE OVER “RIGHTNESS”“RIGHTNESS”

• ““WHAT WAS SAID”WHAT WAS SAID”• ““WHAT WAS MEANT”WHAT WAS MEANT”• ““WHO’S TO BLAME”WHO’S TO BLAME”

WHAT WAS SAID WHAT WAS SAID

• ““WHAT WAS SAID”WHAT WAS SAID”• STRUGGLE ABOUT STRUGGLE ABOUT “TRUTH”“TRUTH”• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONSCRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONS

– I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONGI AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG– IF I PERSIST YOU’LL CHANGEIF I PERSIST YOU’LL CHANGE–PERSISTENCE CREATES PERSISTENCE CREATES

RESISTANCERESISTANCE

““WHAT WAS MEANT”WHAT WAS MEANT”• DID YOU MEAN TO HELP OR HURTDID YOU MEAN TO HELP OR HURT• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONCRIPPLING ASSUMPTION

• I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANTI KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT• INFER THEIR INTENTIONS FROM YOUR FEELINGS INFER THEIR INTENTIONS FROM YOUR FEELINGS

ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIORABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR

• IT’S SO AUTOMATIC - DON’T NOTICE IT’S SO AUTOMATIC - DON’T NOTICE OUR CONCLUSION IS AN ASSUMPTIONOUR CONCLUSION IS AN ASSUMPTION

• UNCALCULATED RISK - UP THE INFERENCE UNCALCULATED RISK - UP THE INFERENCE LADDERLADDER

• ONE ALLNESS TYPE OF “FALSE ONE ALLNESS TYPE OF “FALSE ACCUSATION” AND THEY’RE OFF THE ACCUSATION” AND THEY’RE OFF THE HOOKHOOK

““WHO’S TO BLAME”WHO’S TO BLAME”• SPEND MOST TIME HERESPEND MOST TIME HERE

• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONCRIPPLING ASSUMPTION• IT’S NOT THE SITUATION, IT’S IT’S NOT THE SITUATION, IT’S

THEMTHEM• ASSUMES PROBLEMS ONLY HAVE ASSUMES PROBLEMS ONLY HAVE

ONE CAUSE - OVERATTRIBUTIONONE CAUSE - OVERATTRIBUTION• AVOIDS INTERWOVEN NATURE OF TALKAVOIDS INTERWOVEN NATURE OF TALK• LET’S US AVOID RESPONSIBILITYLET’S US AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

THE BASES FOR D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. THE BASES FOR D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALKTALK

• WHERE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STARTS WHERE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STARTS FROM REFLEX, REACTION AND FROM REFLEX, REACTION AND RIGHTNESSRIGHTNESS

• D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. STARTS FROM D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. STARTS FROM AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, APPROPRIATENESSAPPROPRIATENESS

THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-SOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPSSOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPS

CONNECT TALK

(SMALL TALK)

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK BEING RIGHT

ASSUME/JUDGE

LIGHT - HEAVY

D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM

LEARN/ ACCEPT

PROBLEMPROBLEM

CHOICECHOICE

- MINDFULNESS- MINDFULNESS- FLEXIBILITY- FLEXIBILITY- META-TALK- META-TALK